| Greetings all,
The last few years have been a real roller coaster ride for just
about everyone who's still here to read this entry. Myself, if I never
repeat half of what's happened to me since the summer of '92 it will
still be way too soon for my taste. ;-)
Despite all the excitement in my life, by sheer good fortune I somehow
ended up working with a whole bunch of work hard/play hard types. You
know, the kind of folks that can't just be content to drink beer, they
first study the stuff until they can flowchart the entire brewing process
at the molecular level...so that they can then go to extreme lengths in
order to brew it *just so*...afterwards, they then debate in rising
tones the best color, whiff (bouquet?), the exact specific gravity you
should strive for etc., etc...all of which used to annoy the other
patrons in the cafeteria. (NOTE: And then they can't figure out why our
group was displaced/excreted from NIO earlier this year. (!)
They can't just golf -- first they have to build their own clubs. Can't
just play a friendly game of chess; no, you gotta go to these
tournaments and test your mental timesharing abilities by playing several
chessgames at the same time. (!)
Even something as simple as waterskiing -- for these guys to be
satisfied the ski boat has to have at least *two* speedometers -- N+1
configuration in case one fails -- "for competition, ya know". (No
kidding, I couldn't begin to make this stuff up.)
****
When I first joined the group I tried really hard to put my best foot
forward & blend in, but it wasn't exactly smooth sailing. One time they
were discussing haute cuisine, but when I tried to tell them about my own
rating system ("Bulk Cuisine", where quantity is key, using a logarithmic
scale of 1-5 buckets) they all just sat there with that pained look on
their face, as if I had just filled their vintage side-oiler-equipped
speedboat with 87 octane unleaded or something. Go figure.
But time has a way of working things out. Over the last couple of years
they have been able to explain to my satisfaction why you shouldn't
break the ice at important social gathering by playing "pull my finger".
Better yet, my boss is no longer making my handler escort me whenever I
decide to leave the lab and walk around the NQO facility. (Even so, the
seat on the big UPS diesel engine out back is *still* off limits as
punishment for my traveling down a little verbal tangent during this
big customer presentation on MTBF...but somehow that phrase got me to
talking about Bill Clinton...and how this guy could have *really* fleshed
out the Jethro Bodine character in the original Beverly Hillbillies show...
talk about a missed opportunity...and the French think that Jerry Lewis
is a comic genius. (!) I watch C-Span, so don't tell me this guy doesn't
know what he's doing -- he trying to win one of those Nobel prizes -- as
we all learned from the guy with funnel-shaped head, Laughter really is
the best medicine.
So, even though once I realized I was no longer reading from the
overheads I immediately context switched and pressed on about this
MTBF thing, but I guess the damage had already been done, and as a
result my boss was kick_my_Fiesta_mad at moi...and for the life of me I
didn't know why. (How was I supposed to know what "DNC" stood for? And
why did this customer need to keep this whole database system up & running
at all times...in order to keep track of a bunch of folks who were trying to
outbid each other in order to stay in a tiny government-subsidized
virtual 1-room bed & breakfast? Talk about counter-intuitive! Personally,
I think they should take all that compute power in that database system
and instead do something safer, like maybe a virtual site, where for a
nominal fee your avatar gets to hang out in a 3-D virtual reality version
of the Lincoln Bedroom. Obviously, another situation where a lack of
customer vision forces us to deliver a solution that is close, but no
Havana.
****
I gotta wrap this up while I'm still feeling cogent, so where was I
going with this? Oh yeah, my coworkers have made some real progress
with my social interaction skills, and now I'd like to return the favor.
After taking stock of my skills, and subtracting all the subjects that my
coworkers already knew more about than I do...I ended up with only one
thing remaining on the list -- Drag Racing! (Oh, the synergy if I can get
these Type-A coworkers interested in solving the engineering problems posed
by accelerating large chunks of iron down the 1320 as fast as possible.)
And if we could use this as an excuse to mix in a little confabulation
with fellow Carbuffers that same evening? The last time I witnessed
Bruce Augenstein's fancy footwork in person it was over 10 years ago!
$10 to watch, $12 to run -- think of it, this could be a working
Confab...
Let the gauntlet tossing begin!
dave
PS - The attached E-mail is self-explanatory. See you there!
*************************************************************************
From: BIRDIE::MELLOR "dave mellor - 9000 Laboratory - RSG Engineering."
2-JUN-1997 15:53:17.00
To: @BIRDIE
Subj: Wed, 18-Jun-1997 -- Inagural RSG Motorsports Invitational
Folks,
Ever since Team BIRDIE worked through the "U-Bet-Your-Badge-System-Move"
back in February we've been looking for a way to unfrazzle the nerves as
well as blow off a little steam. Hopefully an event that would strengthen
the 'esprit de corps' within the Repairs Support Group organization; where
teambuilding, social interaction, and the valuing of (automotive) diversity
could be encouraged.
Therefore, as part of Team BIRDIE's commitment to group morale, science
and the pursuit of knowledge we are inviting every member of the RSG
community to attend the 1st annual RSG Motorsports Invitational to be
held on Wednesday evening, June 18th, at the Epping Dragstrip in (no
kidding) Epping, NH.
(insert background sound of infamous drag racing radio adverts here...)
See the battle of the vintage V8 Mustangs as Hal "The Perfectionist" P-----
goes up against "Straight Shooter" John Wayne I----! Who will win the
Sidewinder 4-Cam Challenge -- Steve "Flip" K---- in the Ocean Blue
Dolphin-Safe Stealth vs. Jeff "He Who Lives With the Most Toys Wins" G----
and his Tire-Shredding SHO? (The winner of which will go on to challenge
the theoretical king of power/weight, Mr. P----.) Will the torque generated
by Colleen's 5.7 liter Firebird cause her vehicle to swerve like an
out-of-control commercial floor polisher in a raised-floor computer room?
Last but not least, will Mr. F------- make use of his patented "Deep Blue"
engine management PROM in order to, and I quote, "blow my rockers arms
clean off"?
****
FAQs:
Q: Is drag racing dangerous?
A: Commuting to work is dangerous, but we all do that. The fact of the
matter is that drag racing at the strip is about as dangerous as driving
down a deserted Rt. 128 on-ramp at 4AM. (From a global perspective, on a
scale from brushing your teeth to participating in paintball, this is
about a 2.)
Q: Will I break my car?
A: Due to the amount of rubber on the pavement at the starting line, with
normal street tires it's very hard to 'hook up'. (ie: get traction) It's
self-limiting in that respect. FWIW, we treat an evening at the drags as
the ideal venue in which to run diagnostics against the drivetrain. Since
the ultimate control of the situation remains with the driver, you can
elect to 'margin' the vehicle to whatever level you are comfortable with.
For example, I'd run my boutique Spider @ 7/10s, the leased Civic at 9/10s...
saving the 11/10s bonzai runs for my unbreakable 215K mile Fiesta.)
Q: Dave, I'm not convinced -- being in charge of the situation isn't
enough -- I don't trust myself, and am afraid of getting carried away
in the heat of the moment. Are there any safeguards against the
overenthusiastic diagnostician?
A: Due to the on-board engine-management computers the newer cars are
almost indestructible - for example, if you miss a shift and/or try to
rev the engine too high, the computer will automatically shut the fuel
off once a predetermined RPM has been reached.
Q: What if my car is under warranty?
A: Just like a computer system, it's always better to run a system exerciser
*before* the warranty period expires. In the unlikely event that a new
car fails the diagnostic run, we always bring a nylon tow-strap so that
we can pull the vehicle to a 'warranty-neutral' location before calling
AAA. ;-) Again, if anything driving your car at the dragstrip is less
demanding than accelerating down a typical New England on-ramp, so
stock cars (being driven by the owner) breaking down at the strip are
extremely rare. (But don't tell this to your friends -- let them
go ahead and assume that taking the Wagon Queen Family Truckster down
the 1320 is just like driving a Nitro-burning unlimited dragster. ;-)
Q: I don't think my car has "the right stuff". What do I do?
A: Wednesday nights are called "Run what ya Brung". The idea is to give
the kids a place to run their cars *safely* instead of street racing. I
have seen some pretty wild combinations up at Epping; one of my all-time
favorites was a factory Turbo Caravan in a high state of tune running in
the low 13s -- completely stock looking, what a sleeper! In other words,
we're going out just have a little fun...and clinch the bragging rights
at this year's Thanksgiving dinner.
Q: Dave, you misunderstood my question. I'm a Type A personality, and I
don't want to go unless I run as fast as the Jeff G----, the reigning NQO
hot shoe. My car doesn't have what it takes. What do I do?
A: Don't overlook the rental agencies - without too much poking around you
can rent a fairly decent ride for not too much money. Rumor has it that
Sheila is thinking about taking this approach.
Q: I'm a golf guy, and I won't even tie my shoelaces unless there's some
sort of trophy involved. Is there anything in this for me?
A: Run what you brung nights don't normally feature trophies...but you
do get the all-important time slip, which guarantees that you will have
the last word in any future bench-racing session. (NOTE: We're looking
for volunteers to help snap pictures of the participants standing w/helmets
in hand next to their cars. (Adorned with the white shoe polish numbers
on the glass -- helps to validate the timeslips.)
Q: I have no bones to pick with my coworkers, but I do have a neighbor who
goes on & on & on about his 318 BMW. Can I invite him to the party?
A: Absolutely -- and don't forget, there's plenty of time to add Nitrous
to the Family Truckster to guarantee that the odds are stacked in your
favor.
Q: What's the cost? This sounds like so much fun it must be even more
expensive than downhill skiing!
A: The cost is $10 to watch & $12 to run. The session is from 6-10pm.
****
If you've read this far, thanks for your time & attention...and please
pass this along to anyone else who might enjoy pushing the envelope in
the interest of science.
Team BIRDIE
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