Conference back40::soapbox

    A cop is driving his suburban route when he notices two guys behaving
    very oddly.  The first man is digging a hole at the side of the road and
    then the second man waits a few minutes and then fills it in.
    The two then walk a few yards down the road and start again.
    
    So, the cop parks up and asks them whats going on, "well you see", came
    the reply, "the man that plants the trees is off today."
    
    R. michael.
    
    
    (I added the cop for all you good old boys out there who miss them so
    much - and then cut there funding)
                                      

   Tommy Turtle and Sam the Clam were the best of friends.  They worked
   together, played together, laughed together...well, you get the
   picture.  Because of their close friendship, Tommy Turtle and Sam the
   Clam were killed in the same accident.
   
   Tommy Turtle found himself standing before St. Peter at the Pearly
   Gates.  St. Peter said, "Welcome, Tommy Turtle.  We're very glad to
   have you here.  Here are your wings, your halo and your harp."  They
   are your pass into Heaven.  Enter and be well."
   
   Tommy Turtle was very happy to be in Heaven, and when he turned to
   talk to Sam the Clam Tommy saw that he wasn't there.  Very
   distraught, Tommy Turtle asked St. Peter, "Oh, St. Peter!  Were is my
   friend Sam the Clam?"
   
   St. Peter's eyes turned sad as he shook his head and said, "I'm
   sorry, Tommy, but Sam the Clam was went to the Other Place."
   
   "Oh, No!" cried Tommy Turtle.  "I so miss my friend Sam the Clam.  I
   wish there were some way I could see him one last time to say
   'Goodbye.'"
   
   "Well, " St. Peter said hesitantly.  "There is one way you could do
   that.  Here is a pass into Hell.  Just show it as you go through the
   Gates of Hell, and they'll let you in.  However, you must leave by
   midnight, or you will be trapped in Hell for eternity.  And your harp
   is your pass back into Heaven."
   
   "Oh, thank you, St. Peter." Tommy Turtle exclaimed gleefully.  "I'll
   be back in time."
   
   So, Tommy Turtle trundled down to the Gates of Hell.  As he tried to
   enter Satan grabbed him and said, "Where do you think you're going?"
   
   Tommy Turtle showed Satan his pass and asked, "Do you know where my
   friend Sam the Clam is?"
   
   "Sam?  Sure.  He's opened a Disco two blocks from here.  You can't
   miss it."
   
   "Oh, thank you, Mr. Satan." Tommy Turtle replied, and he walked to
   Sam's place.
   
   Tommy and Sam were so glad to see each other. They talked of old
   times and danced the night away.  During his last dance, Tommy Turtle
   glanced at the wall clock and saw that it was 11:59PM.  He
   franticly ran out the door and through the Gates of Hell just in
   time.  Unfortunately, he forgot his harp.
   
   As Tommy Turtle approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter exclaimed,
   "Tommy Turtle!  There you are.  We were getting worried about you."
   
   "Thank you for your concern, St. Peter.  I just barely made it out of
   Hell.  I had to hurry to make it."
   
   "I can see that Tommy Turtle.  Where is your harp!  I can't let you
   into Heaven without it."
   
   "Oh, no!" screamed Tommy Turtle...
   ..."I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco."

   What happens when you put the batteries in backwards in the Energizer
   Bunny?
   He just keeps coming, and coming...
   
   

    <- from where?

Guy walks into the Dr's office, and complains about Gas problems.

Says to the Doc., I don't know what to do, I keep having some
serious problems with breaking wind...  Thankfully, so far anyway,
they have all been silent gas emssions, so I'm at least not completely
disgraced.

The Doctor asks him to explain the problem with more detail..

"Well" he beigns, "For example; Yesterday at work during our weekly group
staff meeting, I had 5 or 6 occurances in 1 hour where I experienced
these silent gas emissions. Then last night, while eating dinner with 
my family, I had 7 silent gas emissions in 20 minutes.  Then this morning
in the train on the way here, I had 5 silent gas emissions,,, right there 
on a packed commuter train! Just imagine how disgraced I'd have been had 
these not been silent. I literally at the end of my witts, I don't know 
what kind of state I'd be in today, if these we're anything but silent... 
In fact Doc, I must confess, just now, in the 2 minutes it's taken me
to explain my problem, I've had 4 silent gas emissions!!!!  So, I'm here for
help, I don't know what to do !  What would you suggest?"

Doctor clears his throat and says 

		"Well, first things first..  Lets check your hearing!"


Tish-ba-da-boom.....

    Well the way I heard it, the gas was both silent and odorless.  The doc
    hands the guy some pills.  The guy asks, "this will elminate my gas
    problem?"
    
    To which the doctor replies, "No, it'll clear up your sinuses and next
    week we'll work on your hearing."
    
    -- Jim

    Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson are investing in a Horse-Racing
    business:
    
    
    	Tonya is going to do the handicapping and Michael is going to
    ride the 3 year olds.

... a mile of forwards deleted ... 
...
Billie Markim wrote:
Date: Mon, 24 Oct 1994 17:52:58 +0800
From: [email protected] (Billie Markim)
To: [email protected]
Subject: FYA Humor - I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive

I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MICROSOFT EXECUTIVE

(By Brad Rhodes, with inspiration from Lincoln Spector's "The Pirates
of Pentium" and apologies to Sir William Gilbert...)

Sing to the tune of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General".

Bill Gates:
I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive
Work sixteen hours ev'ry shift on days that are consecutive
I make a line of software that is of the highest quality
But leave in bugs to fix in upgrades in perpetuality

Though some might claim that we compete in ways that are not very just
That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us
Besides they cannot prove a thing, no judge will ever take their side
We'll crush them with our lawyers known for litigation far and wide.

Men's Chourus:
He'll crush them with his lawyers known for litigation far and far and
wide!

Gates:
My coders work a schedule bordering on impropriety
But they'll still work for peanuts til they're vested in entirety
I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
That I'm the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Chorus:
I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Gates:
We made our windows system one which we hold in propriety
And tweak it every now and then to screw up Lotus 1-2-3
Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown
They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town.

We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best
Idea is the first step but the market is the real test
And though we may use other's thoughts and intellectual property
Stealing's such a nasty word, we like to call it R&D.

Chorus:
Stealing's such a nasty word, he likes to call it R&-R&D.

Gates [faster]:
My business tactics are compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn
They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond
And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Chorus:
And while his competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

**Brady Johnson** <[email protected]> writes to announce a new
  product that might be of interest:

  DayDoubler is a new product from Connectrix that gives you those
  extra hours in each day that we've been asking for. Using
  sophisticated time mapping and compression techniques to double
  the number of hours in the day, DayDoubler gives you access to 48
  hours each day. With the shareware hack MaxDay, you can easily
  stretch your day to 60, 72, or even 96 hours! Connectrix warns
  that at the higher numbers DayDoubler becomes less stable and that
  you run the risk of a temporal crash in which everything from the
  beginning of time to the present would come crashing down around
  you, sucking you into a black hole.

  Should this occur, be sure to reboot with the shift key down.

    
    .8
    
    BWAHAHAHAHAA!!!!
    
    The chorus needs work tho.
    

    Conventional wisdom is that space exploration is so expensive, only
    government can afford it.  Wrong!  Space is expensive BECAUSE it has
    been almost totally in the public domain. (Remember the million dollar
    toilet?)  If the current space agency had been in charge of the
    American Frontier, all that would lie west of the Mississippi River
    today would be a luxury condo for 4 government employees somewhere in
    Kansas.
    
    compliments of Rick N. Tumlinson

    
    
    Arguing with an engineer is like mud wrestling with a pig.
    Soon you begin to realize that the pig *likes* it.
    
    
    
    
    
    :*)
    

    The difference between and engineer and a practical man is that an
    engineer knows that liquid will pass through cloth, but a practical man
    will unzip his fly anyway.
    
    (With apologies to the women engineers out there...)

    A door-to-door vibrator saleman joke:
    
    Said salesman goes to the first house, knocks on the door. The
    lady-of-the-house looks at the various implements of seduction
    in his brief case and says, "I like that one... I'll take one
    of those" Saleman collects $25 and moves on to the next house.
    
    Lady of the house says "Hmm.. I think I'll take that one over
    there..." "That will be be $50 maam" the saleman tells her.
    
    He moves on to the third house... the lady of the house says
    "I like that, how much is it?" He responds, "$200" Before
    he can say anything else, she produces the cash...
    
    When he gets back to the office, the sales manager asks him how
    he did. "Well," he said, "I sold a $25 vibrator, and a $50
    vibrator... and I sold my Thermos for $200"
    
    -b

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Who is supposed to read the "Seeing eye dogs only" sign at the
post office - the blind person or the dog?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down
the volume on the radio?

Did you know who in 1923 was:

1.  President of the largest steel company?
2.  President of the largest gas company?
3.  President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4.  Greatest wheat speculator?
5.  President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.  Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men.  At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years
later, do you know what has become of these men?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.

2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.

3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship,
Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments.  Today he is
still playing golf and is solvent.

CONCLUSION:  STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF
This letter originated in The Netherlands.

    
    During the autopsy on J Dahmer, the pathologist found ..
    
    
    
    Jimmy Hoffa!

	Robert!!

    
    Q&A:  THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
    
    Q:   How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:   1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
    
    Q:  What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
    A:   A mad scientist.
    
    Q:  What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
    Pentiums?
    A1:  Warning label.
    A2:  Truth in advertising.
    
    Q:  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
    A:  Successive approximations.
    
    Q:  Complete the following word analogy:  Add is to Subtract as
    Multiply
    is to
            1)  Divide
            2)  ROUND
            3)  RANDOM
            4)  On a Pentium, all of the above
    A:  Number 4.
    
    Q:  What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point
    divider?
    A:  "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
    
    Q:  Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
    A:  Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
    585.999983605.
    
    Q:  According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
    754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic.  If you fly in aircraft
    designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of
    "IEEE"?
    A:   Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
    
    TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
    -
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    - ------
    
      9.9999973251   It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
      8.9999163362   It's Close Enough, We Say So
      7.9999414610   Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
      6.9999831538   You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
      5.9999835137   Redefining the PC--and Mathematics As Well
      4.9999999021   We Fixed It, Really
      3.9998245917   Division Considered Harmful
      2.9991523619   Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
      1.9999103517   We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
      0.9999999998   The Errata Inside
    
    

    Pretty funny!  Did you make them up yourself, or obtain them?

    Slightly rude joke follows...
    
    
    Most people are under the impression that Loreena Bobbitt tossed her
    husband's...um...you know...by the side of the road. Actually, she
    tossed it straight back behind the car as she was driving along. Well,
    seems these farm boys were driving along behind her in a pickup truck.
    John's...um...you know...hit the windshield of their truck. The driver
    just looked at it for a couple of seconds, then turned on the wipers
    to brush it away.  He then turned to his friend and said:
    
    
    "Did you see the size of the dick on that fly?"

<-------BWAHAHAHAHA!

    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
        Stolen from the Humor conference, but worth posting here. (IMO)
    
    	
From "The Tonight Show Staring Johnny Carson" on Wednesday,
Sept. 11, 1991. (C) 1991 Carson Productions, Inc.
 
A tribute from Johnny Carson to all the Soviet republics
seeking freedom ("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing
softly in the background).
 
              "What Democracy Means to Me"
                   by Johnny Carson
 
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy,
giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the
nation.  Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president,
and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
 
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united
by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away
from people of all races, colors, and creeds.  Democracy is
having time set aside to worship--18 years if you're Jim
Bakker.
 
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money
you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And,
unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one
ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective
political parties.
 
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two
consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between
three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is
welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something
to hold onto--usually a mop or a leaf blower.  It means that
with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can
die owing the government a huge amount of money.
 
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of
Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.  Democracy means
our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but
more often they bow to the big butts of campaign
contributors.
 
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you
deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker
people from getting what they deserve.  Democracy means
never having the Secret Police show up at your door.  Of
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at
your door.  It's a tradeoff.  Democracy means free
television, not good television, but free.
 
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a
minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two
minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
 
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god
knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us.
It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o"
out of any rural stop sign you want.
 
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar
bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13
tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies
that when the white man came to this country, it was bad
luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for
the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
 
I thank you.



    
    
                                                                       

    RE: .22 Excellent!
    
    You won't find anything that good on Jay "I'm often confused with Mac
    Tonight from the McDonalds' commercials" Leno...
    
    -b

CBS called that well.  Anyone with any sense watches Letterman.

    [ stolen from another conference ]
    
	At Intel, quality is job 0.999.

					- sam black

    At his press conference announcing his switch to CBS, David Letterman
    ad-libbed a joke that speaks volumes about him.  A reporter asked him,
    "Do you think that your brand of humor will work with the broader, less
    sophisticated audience you'll get at 11:30?"  He replied, "Oh, I don't
    know, you people seem to be following along pretty well."
    
    Jay Leno wears exceedingly well, whereas David Letterman wears out his
    welcome.  By the time he left the NBC executives hated his guts.  And
    his act wears on viewers, too.  Sooner or later, even the rubes get
    tired of being ridiculed.

>    A reporter asked him,
>    "Do you think that your brand of humor will work with the broader, less
>    sophisticated audience you'll get at 11:30?"  He replied, "Oh, I don't
>    know, you people seem to be following along pretty well."

Actually - I think Dave's response was right on the money, and that reporter
(most reporters) deserve to be ridiculed for making such remarks like "less
sophisticated", etc... The press always has this image that we (the people) 
are not as smart as they are... that we need them to tell us what is going
on and how to think...

I love Dave - he's the best...

/scott

    But he still has made his career ridiculing his guests, his audience,
    and his viewers.  How long do you plan to take it?

	the guy has an excellent comic mind, no doubt about it, but
	i have to agree with you, steve.  i used to watch him until
	he kept doing those man-on-the-street things where he'd
	ridicule the average joe's business undertakings or whatever.
	he just goes too far with that stuff.  pretty obnoxious.

    steve allen used to do many of the same things letterman does, but
    allen's was more of a class act.

    There's a difference between holding up stock players Louis Nye, Don
    Knotts, and Tom Posten to ridicule as "men in the street" and doing it
    with real people.

    Letterman is infinitely more amusing when watched during a period of
    altered consciousness. Every time I've tried to watch him while sober
    I've found him boorish and boring.
    
    I found it quite humorous that the reporter would ask Letterman about
    appealing to a "less sophisticated audience," in light of the fact that
    Letterman's is low brow humor in the first place. He's the Don Rickles
    of the late night circuit: incapable of being funny without it being at
    someone else's expense. Is there nothing in his shtick beyond ridicule?
    Apparently not.

    So, it seems like grumpy people don't like letterman. What a shame.

 >>   So, it seems like grumpy people don't like letterman. What a shame.

	hey - who you calling "grumpy"?  he's "doc" and i'm usually "sleepy"
	around then.

    That would make me Sneezy...
    
    (And NONE OTHER!!!)

    <smirk>
    

    Heard on BZ this morn that Michael Jackson and Ms. Presley are already 
    breaking up... 

    She must have wanted sex, but refused to wear a diaper...
    
    -b

    Perhaps the marriage became inconvenient.

JOKES PEOPLE!  JOKES!

Bill and Hillary were going to a function where Bill was to be the keynote 
speaker.  About an hour beforehand Bill tells hillary to go upstairs and 
get dressed.

About 30 minutes later she comes down wearing nothing but a lemon over her 
crotch.  Bill sais "What are you doing woman, you can't wear that!!!" Upon 
which Hillary sais "Look I'm the first lady and if I want to create a 
fashion statement I can do it if I want to!"

Bill gives her a disgusted look and goes upstairs to dress.  He comes down 
about 15 minutes later wearing nothing except for a potato(e) over his 
private part and Hillary has a tirade, "you can't wear that, you're the key 
note speaker and the president, what will people think!!!"

To which Bill replies...


Look, if you can go as a sourpuss, I can go as a Dicktater!

Geoff

    how immensely clever

    	A woman goes into a butcher shop and asks for a Long Island Duck.
    	The guy behind the counter has no idea what it is, so he goes into
    	the meat locker and brings out a pre-packaged duck.  The lady
    	opens the package, shoves her fingers into the duck's butt, and
    	indignantly says, "This isn't a Long Island Duck.  It's a Rhode
    	Island Duck.  I want a LONG ISLAND Duck!"  So he goes into the
    	back and gets another.  The same thing happens:  "This one isn't
    	a Long Island Duck, it's a Martha's Vineyard Duck.  **I want
    	a LONG ISLAND Duck!"  So he goes back a third time to get yet
    	another one.  This time when the lady shoves her fingers up the
    	duck's butt, a look of relief and joy crosses her face.  "Perfect,"
    	she says, and he starts writing up the receipt.
    
    	As he's finishing the sale, the lady starts up some small talk.
    
    	"I really appreciate your service.  The other guy that usually
    	works here isn't so helpful.  Are you new here?"
    
    	"Why yes!  I'm new in town too."
    
    	"Oh?  Where are you from?"
    
    	
    
    
    	The guy turns around, drops his trousers and says, "Why don't
    	you tell me!"

    <--- A man after my own heart.

    Along the same lines:
    
    1st man: If you woke up in the wilderness one morning and your
             pants were down around your ankles, and your butt was
             covered with Vaseline, would you tell anybody?
    
    2nd man: No, I don't think I would...
    
    1st man: Wanna go camping sometime?

    How does a woman get a man to do sit ups?
    
    Put the remote control between his feet.

    bwahahahahahahhaha~~~ been there... :-)

    
    
    
    My 7 year old told me one yesterday:
    
    
    
    Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
    
    
    
    A: To get to the shell station.
    
    

<---    Well, there's one for me to tell *my* 7-year-old tonight.

	Maybe he can replace one of the "Uranus" jokes in his
	repetoire.

				The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart, and,
as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided
a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too
personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Noidstrom's and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for
herself.

During the gift wrapping (we all know what is about to happen... right?), the
clerk mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got
the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package
and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

       "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
	wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
	your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but
	she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a 
	delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she
	had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
	I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I
	was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other
	hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see 
	you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
	putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from 
	wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the
	coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

	All my love,
	....

	PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
	    fur showing."

    ...but then again, so am I, so I should just shaddup.
    
    |-{:-)
    

    don't take it personally, dr dan, we're all gettin' there!

           It's all a matter of who has the bigger headstart... :)
    

    I've been told by sources close to both of us that you DO have the
    bigger head, mine's just fatter :-)

| <<< Note 58.53 by LJSRV2::KALIKOW "Cyberian-American" >>>

| It's all a matter of who has the bigger headstart... :)


	come on now Dan..... too many people are complaining now that Headstart
is too big.... ya wanna make them complain MORE!!??

     :-)
    
    |-{:-)
    

                   <<< Note 58.52 by PNTAGN::WARRENFELTZR >>>

>    don't take it personally, dr dan, we're all gettin' there!

	Well it certainly beats the heck (can I say heck?) out
	of the alternative.

Jim

    Cat discussion in TTHT reminded me of these...
    
    How to you make a dog meow?
    
    
    
    Put it in the freezer, and when its hard, use a table saw...
    	... mmmeeeeeeEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWwwwww....
    
    How do you make a cat bark?
    
    
    
    Douse is with lighter fluid and light it ...
    
    			...WHOOOF...

    yawn

Subj:	safe smoking


This letter was sent to U. S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders
after she announced her recent stand against smoking.

----------------

Dear Dr. Elders:

There is no sense using scare tactics to persuade kids not to smoke.  Young
people are going to smoke no matter what we do, so we might as well accept
that fact.  We would be better off instructing all our young people that
smoking is okay as long as they use a filter.  We should begin by holding
classes that teach young people the proper way to fit a cigarette with a
filter.  We could use pencils as models and have all students practice
placing a filter on a pencil.

I'm sure we'll get flack from parents who don't want their kids to smoke
under any circumstances, whether they use a filter or not.  We can
circumvent these troublemakers by instructing all school health clinics to
issue filtered cigarettes to any student who asks for them -- regardless if
they have permission from their parents.

Since kids are starting to smoke at earlier and earlier ages, we should
start this education process in kindergarten so we make sure every child has
the proper information to experience this whenever he or she desires to do
so.  We might as well teach them how to smoke in the safest way possible.

Daniel P. Erb
Spokane, Wash.

    
    
    haha! of course this is only half-funny.

			Statistics and Moms


 What Mom Said:                     The Statistics (US):
 ----------------------------       -----------------------------------
 You'll break your neck!            Annual number of serious neck
                                    injuries: 86,066
  
 You'll catch your death            Annual deaths caused by
 of cold!                           pneumonia: 48,159; by
                                    excessive cold: 855
 
 You'll put your eye out!           Yearly eye injuries related to
                                    scissors: 104; drinking straws:
                                    619; BB guns: 1554; toy guns:
                                    231; slingshots: 126; fireworks:
                                    1200; recreational sports: 35,000
   
 Your face will freeze              Number of Americans with permanently
 that way!                          crossed eyes due to voluntary
                                    crossing of eyes: 0. Percentage of
                                    Americans with congenitally
                                    crossed eyes: 4.05.
   
 You'll drive your mother           Estimated number of American mothers
 crazy!                             suffering from debilitating mental
                                    illness: 1,500,000
 
 You'll go blind!                   Eye injuries resulting in blindness
                                    annually: 1500.  Cases of blindness
                                    caused by sitting too close to the
                                    TV: 0.  Case of blindness caused by
                                    masturbation: 0.
 
 God will get you for that!         Annual deaths by lightning: 100
 

    >You'll go blind!                   Eye injuries resulting in blindness
    >                                   annually: 1500.  Cases of blindness
    >                                   caused by sitting too close to the
    >                                   TV: 0.  Case of blindness caused by
    >                                   masturbation: 0.
    
    But, if you rent too many dirty movies _and_ sit too close to the TV,
    well, you're in deep doo doo. :-)
    
    -b
    

    
    
     Hear about the tragic accident involving two Polish ice fishermen????
    
    
    
    
      They got run over by a Zamboni!!!!!!!!
    

     Ever wonder why many people put an Angel at the top of their Christmas 
     tree?  Here is how the tradition started.
     
     Many, many years ago on Christmas Eve Santa was very tired and was 
     trying to get some sleep before his big trip.  He was awakened from 
     his nap by somebody knocking on the door.  "Who is it?" Santa asked.  
     "It's your wife, I need you to bring in some firewood".  Santa got up, 
     put on his boots, pants, coat, and hat so he could go outside and 
     bring some firewood in.  Santa had just gotten back to bed when there 
     was another knock on the door.  "Who is it?" Santa asked.  "It's elf 
     in charge of presents, I need you to check the final list".  Santa got 
     up, put on his boots, pants, coat, and hat so he could go to the 
     presents factory and make sure everything was OK.  Santa had just 
     gotten back to bed when he heard a knock on the door.  "Who is it?" 
     Santa asked.  "It's the elf in charge of transportation, I need you to 
     make sure the reindeer and sleigh are hooked the way you like".  Santa 
     got up, put on his boots, pants, coat, and hat so he could go outside 
     and check on his rig.  Just when Santa had gotten back to bed there 
     was a knock on the door.  "Who is it?" Santa asked.  "It's the angels 
     in charge of Christmas trees, We need you to tell us what to do with 
     all these Christmas trees".

    Little Johnny was a bit slow. Well, he was very slow.
    
    Johnny went downtown one day and while he was there he saw a
    terrible traffic accident. Upon returning home, he had the
    following conversation with his mother:
    
    Johnny:	Mama, guess what!? I saw a bad car crash downtown.
    
    Mama:	Yes, I know honey.
    
    Johnny:	How'd you know that Mama?
    
    Mama:	I heard it on the radio.
    
    Johnny:	Oh.
    
    The next day, Johnny went downtown again, and there was a
    big fire, covering an entire block of buildings! He returned
    home excited to tell his mother:
    
    Johnny:	Mama mama! Guess what!? I saw a big fire!
    
    Mama:	Yes, I know honey.
    
    Johnny:	How'd you know that Mama?
    
    Mama:	I heard it on the radio.
    
    Johhny:	Oh.
    
    The next day, Johnny went downtain again, but this time,
    nothing out of the ordinary happened. However, on his
    way home, he spotted a pig, and he had heard about
    what some people did with them, so he decided to go
    for it. When he got home he told his mother:
    
    Johnny:	Mama, mama! Guess what!? I got laid!
    
    Mama:	In a pig's ass!!!!
    
    Johnny:	#$%&*@! radio!

     If Joey Buttafouco (sp) went to Harvard, what would he be?
    
    
    A Kennedy.

    I liked that one.
    
    Speaking of jokes, shall I post the box trial? :-)
    
    ME

Little Billy was playing with his toy trains.

"Chugga-chugga-chugga chug.  Sssssss!  Everybody who wants to get off, get
the hell off!  Chugga-chugga-chugga chug.  Sssssss!  Everybody who wants to
get on, get the hell on!"

Billy's mother was very upset at his language.  "Billy, go to your room!
I want you to think about what you just said and why it's wrong."

So Billy goes to his room.  Two hours later, his mother suddenly remembers
that she sent him to his room.  She goes to his room and says, "Billy, are
you sorry about the language you used?"  "Yes, Mommy."  "All right, you
can come out of your room now."

Billy resumes playing. "Chugga-chugga-chugga chug.  Sssssss!  Passengers
wishing to get off the train may get off now.  Passengers wishing to get on,
may get on now.  And if you're wondering what caused the two-hour delay,



ask the bitch in the kitchen."

{convulsing with silent laughter, tears welling up, etc}

        re: -1

    	Mike put my name on that list of visitors.

    Joe

    After re-reading my "joke" I request that the Moderators to please
    delete it. I apologize to the women for being insensitive, the owners
    who may own a Harley and to Kirby Vacuum Cleaners. The note in question
    is 58.72.
    
    Thank you.   

    You can delete the note yourself...type in delete/noconfirm while
    at the note in question.
    
    It's an old joke anyway.  8^)

    
    I try that at all your notes Leech, but it doesn't work.  :*)
    
    
    
    
    
    (Just kidding.)
    Terrie
    
    :*)  :*)
    

    <simper>

    .72 deleted.
    

    
    Why does it take three Polacks to go ice fishing???
    
    
    
    
     One to cut the hole in the ice....
    
    
    
    
      And two to push the boat through it!!!!!!

        Thought it  was  two to keep the rink manager looking the other
        way...
        

    
    <------
    
    Nah....
    
     Those were the two involved in that tragic accident...
    
    
    
    
     You know the one where they got run over by a Zamboni whilst ice
    fishing?

    Re .75
    
    What are you a man or a mouse ?? Did I hear a sqeak.......

From: Laurie Corrin <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 95 11:20:00 PST 

_________

Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies

REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer inquiries,
Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software
product designed for computer beginners.  Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will
not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first
names.
    "I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Balmer,
Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support.  "It's
ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry
to change their names.  We won't, and our licensing policies for people within
the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never
question them."
    Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the
opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option
allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.
    The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers persons
who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with
the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form
promising never to use OpenDoc.  As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will
also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.
    Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace
period during which they can select another related name.  "We're being very
lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's
Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs.  "People are still free to
call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob.  Bobby however is derivative of
Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't be allowed."
    Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice
President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName
licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead.

    	A farmer from Maine is on vacation in Texas.  He visits a bar,
    	and strikes up a conversation with a local farmer.
    
    	"Ayup.  Back in Maine I have a nice 30-acre place, with an
    	apple orchard, and..."
    
    	"Whoa!  Hold on there, pardner.  30 acres!  What kind of a farm
    	is that?!?  Why out here, if I git into mah truck and start
    	at one end of my farm at sun-up, it'll take me till sundown
    	just to git to the other end!"
    
    	"Ayup, I know what you mean.  I used to have a truck like that..."

    Heard on WCLB this morn:
    
    What do Whitey Bulger and mint jelly have in common ?
    
    
    
    They're both "on the lam(b)".

    
    What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick ?
    
    A tick will drop off of you after you're dead.

    
    
    speaking of lawyer jokes, i had a good one yesterday:
    
    while at the blood drive, one of the women in the office was down there
    as well, giving for the first time.  she is a patent attorney
    trainee...a lawyer of sorts.  well, she started before i did, but i was
    done first and when i was getting ready to sit up, she asked how come i
    was done first and i just said "because lawyers are used to taking
    blood, not giving it..."
    
    i was amused...
    

    
    
    
    Good one, Raq.  Did it go over well? :')
    
    
    Mike

    
    
    well, the red cross lady liked it, and so did the other lady that was
    there from my department...the 'victim' was still too nervous to
    understand it the first time...plus she's blonde... ;> ;>
    
    

    I don't get it.

    
    
    well, asq one of your other selves for help...
    
    

    Of course you didn't get it, dumbo, she gave it to the red cross.
    
    HTH
    Heiko

    .89
    
    BWHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH
    
     ... I spillt my soup on my tie over that one!
    
    /Intern
    

    All of my other selves are blond.

    
    There is NO WAY that someone with the name Boutros Boutros is blond(e).

    .97
    Your right, he has brown hair and I think not much of it. I have not
    seen any pictures of him recently (2 years or so).

    Well, O rude one, last time he & I chatted, he felt the same way about
    YOUR "hirsute endowment," and he even used the term advisedly, and in
    quotes, so as not to be accused of exaggeration...
    

    Two SNARFS and a penguin walk into a bar topless from the waist
    down.......

    My Boutros Boutros is not Boutros Boutros Ghali, my Boutros Boutros is
    Boutros Boutros Ghlenni. He is blond.

    .101
    His office says brown with gray streaks (lots of gray) in his hair.

    You have a comprehension problem, and not only that you don't
    understand what you've just read.

    > Two SNARFS and a penguin walk into a bar topless from the waist
    > down......
    
    The snarfs "What would you like to drink?"
    
    Penguin"Oh, I'll have a bottle of Dom Penguinion"
    
    Gawd I kill me....

>    Gawd I kill me....

Thanks for saving us the trouble.

    A beaver walks into a bar and asks "where is the bar tender ?"
    
    
    Speaking of bars, a kangaroo hops into a bar and asks for a draft. 
    The bartender draws him ome and tells him that will be $5.00.
    He then tells the kangaroo, "say, we don't get many kangaroos in here".
    
    the 'roo replies "and at these kind of prices, you won't get many more"
    
    
    
    
    
    What is the difference between a saloon and elephant flatulence ?
    
    A saloon is a bar-room, elephant flatulence is  a "ba-roooom!!!"
    
    'nuf fer now...

    Thank you

    re .105
    
    Hey that took me all of .043 seconds to think of that. :*)

    Did ya hear the USPS and FedX will merge?
    
    There new name will be FEDUP.

A salesman walks into Wolinski's Bakery and sees no one around but a
little old Chinese fellow.

"I'm looking for Stan Wolinski", says the salesman.

"That's me", says the little old Chinese gentleman.

"What? I've never seen an Oriental with a Polish name", says the salesman.
"How did that happen?"

"Well, when I came through Ellis Island in 1924", starts the Chinese man,
"I was standing in line behind a big Polack. When the INS man behind the
 desk asked him what his name was, he said 'Stan Wolinski'. After they'd
 finished processing him, it was my turn, so I stepped up to the desk and
 the INS man asked me what my name was.

 And I said, 'Sam Ting'."

    
    
    Rep. 110 SOLVIT::KRAWIECKI
    
    
    The sound of one hand clapping!!!    ;-)
    
    
    -mike
    
    
    

    
    <----------------
    
    
    Was that your Dad in front of Sam?????
    
    ;) ;)
    
    

 [Politically]
 Correct Little Riding Hood
 
 There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
 on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
 would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
 study them.
 
 Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
 as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would
 have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact 
 exist.
 
 Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional 
 households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
 
 One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit 
 and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
 
 "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
 have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
 various people in the woods?"
 
 Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
 and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
 
 "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
 
 Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn
 to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
 womyn were free.
 
 "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
 he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
 
 And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
 a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
 womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
 feeling of community.
 
 "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
 hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
 
 But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
 actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
 although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
 inferior to what some people called "health".
 
 Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of 
 delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
 
 Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
 place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
 cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
 the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
 natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
 
 Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
 Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized 
 peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
 lifestyle role models.
 
 On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
 wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
 
 She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her 
 what was in her basket.
 
 Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
 but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
 chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
 
 She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a 
 gesture of solidarity."
 
 The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to 
 walk through these woods alone."
 
 Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the 
 extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
 outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an
 alternative and yet entirely valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse me,
 I would prefer to be on my way."
 
 Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
 Grandmother's house.
 
 But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish 
 adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker
 route to Grandma's house.
 
 He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative 
 of his nature as a predator.
 
 Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
 Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited 
 developments.
 
 Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
 
 "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in 
 your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
 
 The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
 
 Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess!  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
 
 "You forget that I am optically challenged."
 
 "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
 
 "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I 
 didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
 
 "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
 
 The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a 
 reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
 Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see
 her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
 
 "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.  "You
 must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
 
 The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on 
 her.
 
 At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an 
 ax.
 
 "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
 
 "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.  "If 
 I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own 
 abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores
 on college entrance exams."
 
 "Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!  This
 is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
 Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
 
 "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat and her
 grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."
 
 "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.  "I've 
 been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected 
 flowers earlier.  And now I'm going to have such a trauma.  Do you have any 
 aspirin?"
 
 "Sure," said the Wolf.
 
 "Thanks."
 
 "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
 firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any 
 Maalox?"

This morning was Joke Morning on Claprood and Whitley.

An Eskimo is having difficulty with his automobile on a very cold, wintry
morning up in Alaska. Smoke all over the place, sluggish engine, poor
mileage, lousy performance. So he pulls into a gas station for the mechanic
to take a look and explains the problem to the mechanic. The mechanic opens
the hood and begins checking around in the engine compartment. Finally he
raises his head, looks at the Eskimo and says, "It looks like you've blown
a seal."

The Eskimo replies, "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

    
    Know how Polacks play Russian Roulette???
    
    
    
    
    
      With a semi-auto pistol!!!!!!!!

    The best of the worst:
    
    	"You know Superman, you can be a real jerk sometimes."
    
    And the worst of the best:
    
    	"Does this taste funny?"
    
    And the "huh?" of the morning.
    
    	"I'm saving it for later."
    
    								-mr. bill

Excerpted from a long rambling pseudo-detective story in
alt.humor.best-of-usenet:

[Beautiful woman comes into detective's office, starts explaining the problem.]

                                        She paused. "What are you staring
at?"

"I was looking at your shirt, Toots. It's really unusual."

She frowned. "Lots of people wear shirts with writing on."

"Yes, but not usually in braille."

	Can I read what that shirt says?

ME

Article: 1717
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: [email protected] (Karina Montgomery)
Subject: Cat Food Killer
Keywords: smirk, cooking
Approved: [email protected]
Path: jac.zko.dec.com!crl.dec.com!pa.dec.com!decwrl!koriel!cs.utexas.edu!news.sprintlink.net!uunet!looking!funny-request
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: Tue, 7 Feb 95 19:30:02 EST
Lines: 43
 
So this woman has her bridge club every Thursday night, and after a
peaceful game or three with the ladies she goes home to fix her husband
dinner when he gets home from work.  Well, one Thursday, she's playing a
great game, she has an incredible hand, when she notices the time.
"Oh, no!  I have to go fix my husband his dinner!  He's going to be so
angry if it's not ready on time."  And she dashes out fo her friend's
house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
 
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough to go
to the grocery store, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce
leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.  In a panic, she opens the can of cat
food, mizes in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband is pulling up.  She watches in horror as he sits down to his
dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"MMMM, honey, this is the best dinner you have made for me in 40 years of
marriage.  You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!"  And that night
they had sex for the first time in months, and it was great!
 
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on she made this dinner for her
husband.  She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain,"
but she continued to make him his catfood dinner and then afterward they
would boink like fiends.
 
One week, her husband died, and all the bridge women the Thursday after the
funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous.  "You killed him!"
"We told you you would, feeding him that cat food every week!"  "How can
you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?"
 
"Ah, I didn't kill him, he fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
 
Told to me by Kim Kennedy of west New York, NJ
 
====================================
Karina Montgomery
MANYHATS
 
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner.  MAIL your joke to [email protected].
 
Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.

    
    Can't remember if I read this in ::HUMOR, or if someone sent it to me
    via e-mail, but either way, it's stolen.....
    
    
    
    Why do doctors spank baby's bottoms when they are born?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    To knock the penises off the smart ones.
    
    
    :*)
    Terrie
    

    
    
    <--- 
    
    
    that's peni...
    
    :> :>
    
    

    .120
    Do I sense a some penis envoy here:').

	Did someone call me??? :-)

	"penis envoy"?  ahh...the imagery.   

| <<< Note 58.124 by PENUTS::DDESMAISONS "too few args" >>>


| "penis envoy"?  ahh...the imagery.

	That's why I thought someone was calling me.

    
    
    phewww...
    
    glad i wasn't the only one...
    
    what would the qualifications be to be a penis messanger or
    representative, anyway???
    
    

    .126    ah, your name would have to be Lorena Bobbitt?

| <<< Note 58.126 by GAVEL::JANDROW "brain cramp" >>>



| what would the qualifications be to be a penis messanger or representative, 
| anyway???

	What's a penis messAnger? Somone who gets angry at a messy penis???

| <<< Note 58.127 by BIGQ::MARCHAND >>>

| .126    ah, your name would have to be Lorena Bobbitt?


	That wouldn't work Rose. She throws away what she is supposed to
deliver....

    
       .129    Oh yeah, she didn't clean up the mess! She was full of 
    anger though......    I guess you need both  messANGER together. 
    
    
         When she threw it out the window, did the guy in the car
    behind her really believe it was attached to a bug?
    
        Rosie

                   Seemztame that Lorena committed penis envoi.

        He finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually
deaf. It was one of those invisible hearing aids.
        "Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
        "I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I
didn't know existed."
        "Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
        "Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great
time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."

Article: 1753
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: [email protected] (Mark Conty)
Subject: Nursery Tale
Keywords: chuckle, religion, health care
Approved: [email protected]
Path: jac.zko.dec.com!crl.dec.com!crl.dec.com!caen!uwm.edu!news.moneng.mei.com!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!funny-request
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 95 19:30:03 EST
Lines: 47
 
[ Our priest told this one at last Sunday morning's mass.  I don't know what 
his source was, though... ]
 
Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter.
 
To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?  Why
do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"
 
"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied.  "I worked to bring
healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children."
 
"Very noble," said St. Peter.  "You may enter."  And in through the Gates
she went.
 
To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"
 
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied.
"For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who 
tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand 
of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love."
 
"How touching," said St. Peter.  "You, too, may enter."  And in she went.
 
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to
do back on Earth?"
 
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
 
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."
 
"Whew!" said the nurse.  "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to
let me in."
 
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"
--
  Mark D. Conty        
  [email protected]                 
  MPP/OS Testing                       
  Cray Research, Inc.                                                       
  (612) 683-5498                      
  (800) 284-2729, x3-5498            
--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner.  MAIL your joke to [email protected].
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
 
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission.  Extra jokes may be rejected.

    pimp: let me have all of last nights earnings 
    
    Prost:only made $231.00 last night.
    
    Pimp: Who gave you the $1.00
    
    Prost: they all did.

Hey Deb.... thought you might appreciate this one...  ( I play flute in a 
community band where the average age is probably close to 60 - our 
conductor is always telling us these lame "musical" jokes, but I didn't 
think this one was *tooooo* bad)


	Why was the Opera Singer so cool?

    
    <-- I dunno, why WAS the Opera Singer so cool?

Because she was Aria conditioned!    ;*))))

 i knew i shouldn't look.  i tried not to look.  

    The timbre of this discussion trebles me.

    Give it a rest.

    Beat it, before I get my staff and apply measures that coda hurt
    someone.

    you could conduct this elsewhere.

    Who would keep the score then?

    
    Nothing ever gets resolved anyway.

Hey, let's try to be a little more well-tempered.

Please stop. This is a notes conference.

    'bout time this thread got barred.

    Therein lies the key to this discussion. 
    

    was this all accidental?

    
    It's all falling rather flat.

    Wow, what a sharp bunch.

    
    Naturally.

    Who is the dominant in your opinion?

    let's find something else to rag on.

re: .156

Have we PUNished you enough, yet?

Bob

 i was gonna make a joke about staving them off, just to test
 your clef palate.

    This has all been minorly trilling, but thinking of more is major
    treble.  Can we transpose to the normal 'Box topics of sax & violins?

    

	 back tuba rating each other?

    <---- :-) :-) :-)

    
    
    Quit trying to horn in on DrDan's pun, Lady Di........

Make it stop.  I can't stanza it anymore!

    
    
    	I don't know if I like the tone of this conversation.....
    
    
    

    
    It all sounds like a falsetto circumstances to me........all these muse
    are about to make me music......

    I'm tired of this song and dance.
    
    
    <---- You think you can just waltz in here and say that?

    There is no harmony in this topic.  I think that some in here should 
    definitely change their tune.  

I'm calling my mouthpiece. He'll have me outta this joint in no time,
just his signature.

Can anyone just polka in here and make comments?

	Yes

    I've gotta go for a second movement.

| <<< Note 58.171 by POLAR::RICHARDSON "Be ye decrankified" >>>

| I've gotta go for a second movement.

	I think that means he is gonna poop....

Enough!

Here's something amusing I found on the net:

>I was aiding in a love affair with our Pepi and a friend's Gigi, teacup
>poodles.  Jeanne was about 6 and had recently seen Dr. Doolittle.  Pepi
>and Gigi were in circumstances as described above when Jeanne
>unexpectedly came home.  She took one look at the dogs and joyously
>exclaimed: "Oh look" a pushme-pullme!"

    I did not realise you had the gift of interpretation.

	Well.... you know..... it just happens. I never know when it will
happen, it just does. Kinda like chite. I guess that means we're back to the #2
thing again...

	I took the liberty of deleting the headers and end stuff

> 
> This bus driver is just finishing up his route, when he notices a nun at
> the back of the bus...  The nun comes foward and begins to talk to the
> driver.  As they continue talking, the subject comes around to sex.  The
> nun says "You know, I've always wanted to try sex, but it has to be anal,
>  with a non married man.."  The bus driver is quick to respond, pulls
> the bus over into an alley, whips down his pants, and tells the nun that
> it is her lucky day.  After they are finished, the bus driver says "you
> know, I lied to you.. I am a married man.."  the nun replies simply, "I
> lied too.. My real name is Bob, and I'm on my way to a costume party."
> --
> 
>   All generalizations are false, including this one.
> 

	Again, sent to me via e-mail and I deleted headers and stuff.

	
> 
> 
> 
>  Discreetness is a virtue...
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> 
>  A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  The pharmacist
> says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young
> man wants.  "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while
> and she's really hot.  I want the condoms because I think tonight's
> "the" night.  We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're
> going out.  And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
> Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
> me the 12 pack."  The young man makes his purchase and leaves.   Later
> that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
> parents.  He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.  He
> begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.  The
> girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
> religious person."  He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
> that your father is a pharmacist."
>  
> 
> 

   What key do you get when you drop a bowling ball down a coalmine
   shaft?
   
   A-flat Minor

    A woman takes her Chihahua (very small, bald dog) to a contest. 
    She only wins the 3rd price. So she goes to the judging-committee.
    One tells her: "Well it's a very beautiful dog, but has too much hair,
    you'd better go to a drug-store to get some depilatory."
    
    So the woman goes to the drug-store. The Pharmacist says: "if you're
    gonna use it for your arm-pit's, please don't use deo for two weeks".
    
    woman: "Well it's for my Chihuahua"
    
    "Then I must advise you not to cycle for a month"
    
    ;) ...Marc

    A sloppy woman goes to a do-it-yourself-warehouse.
    An employee asks her what he can do for her.
    
    Woman: "Screw for extractor"
    
    "Not for a thousand dollar"
    
    ;) ...Marc

                       <<< Note 58.180 by JGO::VEUGER >>>


	Marc had a joke within a joke. So tell us Marc, what is a 3rd price? :-)

    
    
    How many Dead Heads does it take to change a lightbulb?
    
    
    
    
    
    30,002
    
    1 to change the bulb
    1 to film it
    30,000 to follow the burnt out bulb around after it's dead.
    
    
    How do you tell a group of Dead heads at an airport?
    
    
    
    They are the ones throwing bread crumbs to the hellicopters.
    
    
    :*)
    Terrie
    

    I wish I could find this again.  I once heard a Grateful Dead parody
    song, to the tune of "Oh Come All Ye Faithful."  The bits I recall:
    
    "Oh come, all ye grateful 
     Deadheads to the concert."
    
    "Oh come, let us adore them.
     We quit our day jobs for them."

	That song you are looking for is on the "Twisted Christmas" alblum.  We 
have it in the lab here.

ME

     **           <<< Note 58.184 by OOTOOL::CHELSEA "Mostly harmless." >>>
    
     ** I wish I could find this again.  I once heard a Grateful Dead
     **parody
     ** song, to the tune of "Oh Come All Ye Faithful."  The bits I recall:
    
     ** "Oh come, all ye grateful
     **  Deadheads to the concert."
    
     ** "Oh come, let us adore them.
     **  We quit our day jobs for them."
     
    
    The song is on a tape called "Twisted Christmas".  It is a collection
    of humorous twists of Christmas songs...... "The twelve pains of
    Christmas", "Wreck the malls", "Oh come all ye grateful" etc..
    You can find it in most music stores around Christmas.
    
                                  DJ  

	Thank you for repeating what I said. :-)

ME

    Terrie,
    
    Your joke about throwing crumbs at Helicopters made me larfffffff !!!!
    
    :*) :*)  (it was loudly too)

TO:  ALL EMPLOYEES
FR:  MANAGEMENT
SUBJECT:   SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity 
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained 
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, 
please see your manager.  You will be immediately placed at the top of the 
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you 
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL 
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).  Those who fail to 
take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE 
TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they 
were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full 
of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training 
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST 
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can 
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, 
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,                                       
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

	re: .183   here's the long version ...    ;-)
	
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? 


A: 30,000 

One to change the lightbulb, 499 to tape the event, 15,000 to dance
and twirl in ecstasy, 5000 to sit and grumble that "they used to
change 'em better in the old days", 5,000 to wander around outside
with (mix and match) one finger in the air, calling out "doses", "da
kine", "veggie burritos", "groovy dyes", "guats", "spare change",
"gas/motel/food money", 4000 to wander around outside dancing at
the cars with the tunes blasting from the tape decks, lining up at
the Balloon trucks, 100 scalpers selling fake bulbs, 400
state/local/federal officers looking for all of the above... 

Oops, I forgot the 10,000 to follow the old burned out bulb to the
next town :-) :-) :-) 

(stolen from [rec.music.gdead]) 

    Received (via email 8^)) today:
    
    
    			Why Email is Like a Penis
    			=========================
    
* It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
  hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
  considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still
  think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
  use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will
  just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take 
  this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's
  hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
  late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
  viruses.

* It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it 
  too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think 
  coherently.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
  trouble.

* It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, 
  it will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
  I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.
   
  Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They
  think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think 
  it gives them power.  They are wrong.

  Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think 
  it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, 
  many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people
  would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

* It can be used in solitaire or with others.
    

    
    
    Ok, I confess.  She got it frome me through e-mail this morning,
    but I was too chicken to post it.
    
    
    
    :*)
    Terrie
    

    Terrie, you must learn to come out of your shell.
    
    I have.
    
    Glenn/Deirdre/Pamela/Franny/Ned/Dierdre/Anton/Sean/Alice/Jimi/Pauline/Rex/
    Nathan/Melanie/Ursula/Hildegard/Nigel/Boutros Boutros/Leslie/Shareena
    

    Should that be, we have?

    >Terrie, you must learn to come out of your shell.
    
    >I have.
    
    With all the people you have in there, that must have
    been the Hatch Shell*.
    
    -B
    
    * a large shell-shaped Boston landmark where the Boston Poops
      plays every 4th of July.

	Glenn, when did the new personality break out on ya? Pretty name.

    Boston Poops?
    
    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

    Wannamonkey is responsible for the latest personality.

	how so??? and how can a pretty name have anything to do with
scratchamonkey?

    "What are you wearing today" will answer your questions.

    Ummm Glen, et al:
    
    Haven't you heard of zero population growth?
    

| <<< Note 58.202 by DECLNE::REESE "ToreDown,I'mAlmostLevelW/theGround" >>>


| Haven't you heard of zero population growth?

	I practice this everyday.... :-)

    Silva,
    
    I wasn't talking to youuuuuuuuuuuu :-)
    

	Ohhhhh.... then ya really gotta put that extra N in Glen if yer talkin
about the Richardsons. 

    I only know how to compose characters.
    
    Glenn/Deirdre/Pamela/Franny/Ned/Dierdre/Anton/Sean/Alice/Jimi/Pauline/Rex/
    Nathan/Melanie/Ursula/Hildegard/Nigel/Boutros Boutros/Leslie/Shareena
    

    
    da du du dum dum du DA dum DA dum dum DA da du du dum dum du DA
    
    My Shareena! ... :-)
    

    That always reminds me of Cheech Marin driving around in his van
    singing:

    da du du dum dum du DA dum DA dum dum DA da du du dum dum du DA

    MY SCROTUM!

    <---- :-) :-) :-)

There was once a man who bought a brand new Datsun.  He'd had it only a few 
weeks when it broke down, so he decided to call out the garage. They sent a 
tow truck who recovered it to the dealer and once the mechanic had had a 
look, he decided on his diagnosis. "It's not a bad fault, a cog has broken 
and we don't have any in stock at the moment.  We'll have to call Japan."

So an order is placed to Japan and meanwhile the man can't use his car. Two 
weeks later, the dealer rings, saying that the factory in Japan will only 
dispatch the cogs in boxes of 10,000 and the next ship from Japan wasn't due 
for another six months. The man was quite disgruntled and decided to fly to
Japan to pick up this box of cogs.

On the flight back from Japan, the pilot announces that they've lost a fuel
tank and therefore, to ensure safe passage back to England, any unnecessary
weight will have to be jettisoned from the plane.  The passengers start
throwing their hand luggage out and the man decides that he only needs 1 of
these cogs so he throws the other 9,999 down the plane toilet.

Meanwhile, a couple were having a picnic when suddenly all these tiny little 
cogs came showering down on them.  The wife picked one up, examined it, 
turned to her husband and said "Oh look, darling, it's raining Datsun cogs!".

    <----- That deserves a spanking.

	I agree.... any volunteers to spank our Lady?

Our Lady of Perpetual Spanking?

	HEY!!!! There will be none of that talk around my Lady. 

    .215
    
    Sirrah, thou presumest overmuch.  Milady Diane is not THY Lady, and
    shoudst thou persist in thine inappropriate misapprehension, I would
    take it as a signal honour to demonstrate on thy body the extent of
    thine error.
    
    Translation:  The lady ain't yours, dude, and if you think she is,
    you're gonna have to go through me to get to her.

              <<< Note 58.216 by SMURF::BINDER "vitam gustare" >>>
                                    -< :-) >-
<--------- Imagine, fighting over her after a joke like that! :')

    well, she ain't MY lady, either, more's the pity, but SOME of us around
    here take our responsibilities as gentlemen seriously.

    
    
    Boy, so many men are just Lunging after you Mz. Deb!
    Be carefull....that's how rumors start....
    
    
    
    
    
    
    hehehehehe
    :*)
    Terrie
    

    
    Hey, it ain't me 8^)!  I'm innocent, really.  Today's lungee is Di 8^).

    one hopes a lungee is nothing like a lunger.

| <<< Note 58.221 by SMURF::BINDER "vitam gustare" >>>

| one hopes a lungee is nothing like a lunger.

	A lungee is one who lungs.....

	And as far as fighting for her after a bad joke like that, well, we can
use any excuse to fight for her! :-)

	Two guys walk into a bar.  The third guy ducks.

        "Peter Pan" meets German Opera - "We're following the Lieder"
        

    tell the horse one.

>>    tell the horse one.

	what horse, and how could he understand jokes?

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says,
"Why the long face?"

        White horse  walks  into  a  bar  and orders a beer - bartender
        says; "Y'know, we have a whisky named after you!"
        
        White horse says; "Wot - Eric?"
        

    {chortle}
    
    Thanks guys, you're cheering me up.

A little expectorant would loosen up that {chortle}.

    Perhaps I should take something to help me spit it out too!

	A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

	Bartender: Sorry, we don't serve food here.

    
    .228
    
    Are ALL your pets named Eric?

    re: DNEAST::LARSEN_GARY
    
    Are you that cartoon guy?

	A Canuck walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
	The bartender says "HEY! Where'd ya get HIM?"
	The parrot says "Canada!"

    
    RE: .235
    
    
    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    I'll have to remember that one for my trip to Canada in a few months.
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

	Terrie, ya gonna find Glenn & co and ay hello?

    
    
    I'll be on the other end of Canada.  Going to New Brunswick,
    Nova Scotia, and Prince Edward Island.
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

    Er, um, I wouldn't call that the other end.

>      <<< Note 58.233 by POWDML::LAUER "Little Chamber of Fuzzy Faces" >>>
    
>    .228
    
>    Are ALL your pets named Eric?
        
        Indeed they are, Eric!
        
        &y
        

    
    Almost seems like the other end of the world to me....
    I get out so often don't you know....(insert sarcasm here)
    
    
    
    :*)
    Where do you live Glenn?
    
    
    Terrie
    

    
>    I'll have to remember that one for my trip to Canada in a few months.
    
  Don't put it on a transparancy what ever you do.   
    
    



 Jim    

    
    
    A transparency???  I don't get it....
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

(Jim found out prior to a recent business trip to Canada 
that that country does not allow "presentation materials"
to cross its borders.)

    
    
    What 'type' of 'presentation' were you gonna MAKE Jim?????  :*O
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

    
    
>    What 'type' of 'presentation' were you gonna MAKE Jim?????  :*O
    
      I'm afraid that's classified information, Terrie 


   
    
    Jim    

    
    
    I never get to have any of the fun......<pouty-pouty-pouty>
    
    
    
    
    
    Terrie
    :*)
    

    Terrie, can you see through his little trick?

    
    
    What little trick?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    (does that answer your question?)
    
    :*)
    terrie
    

 I think it went right over head

    
    
    No, I'm in the building.  Maybe it went over the building?
    What was it anyways?
    
    
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

 Thought I'd slide that one by you..

    
    
    Are you in the building here??  I didn't see anything 
    slide by me....
    

    I wonder if she's seen the light yet...

    
    
    Actually, the sun is setting, but it's been cloudy all day.
    

 Ayieeeeeeeee...I've run out of puns

    
    
    Jim runs at lunch time too. Maybe you could run together.
    How close is Puns to Hudson?
    
    
    Terrie
    

    . a few back
    
    ignoring my complete inability to do so, but i would *never* fight over
    a woman. that reduces her to the status of a possession. she is a
    sentient being (well, hopefully !) who i want to be with me cos she wants
    to be not coz i saw off the competition with force.
    
    agree ? disagree ?
    
    ric

   When a Japanese company decided to sell their cars in the U.S., they
   knew that anti-Japanese sentiments would impede their progress.  So
   they decided to name their cars with a non-oriental sounding name. 
   They also knew that the best advertising people for this naming job
   worked for a prestigious firm in Germany.
   
   The Japanese went to Germany to present their needs.  Because English
   was the only common language between the two groups all negotiation
   was in English.
   
   The Japanese presented their desire and their concerns over an
   oriental-like name.  They asked if the Germans could come up with a
   name.  The Germans replied, "Ya. Ya.  It vill be no problem.  Vhen to
   you need the name?"
   
   The Japanese responded, "In two months."
   
   The lead German then exclaimed, "Vhat!!?? Dat Soon?"

Thud!

ME

From alt.humor.puns:

Did you hear about the guy whose wife left him for a tractor salesman....


....he got a John Deere letter in the mail.

    Just got this one from a former Decie who used to contribute
    to SOAPBOX - Tom Krupinski aka Tom_k (Part of a message he sent me)


BTW: Jury in Washington DC rules that the guy who tried to shoot Clinton was 
*not* crazy.... Does this mean.... never mind!

               Tom_K

Three men were relaxing at a bar with a beer and were talking.  A
stranger several stools away was eavesdropping.  One of the men got
annoyed and said: "Who do you think you are to listen to our
conversation?"  The stranger replied: "I'm Jesus Christ."  The first man
said: "Sure you are, and I guess you can prove it, right?"  The stranger
said: "When you were 4 years old, you broke your right arm.  It was not
set properly and since that day you don't have full range of motion."
The first man was amazed at the accuracy of the description.  The
stranger then proceeded to touch the first ma's arm and said: "Move it
now."  The first man was astonished because now he had full range of
motion.  The stranger then turned to the second man and said: "You were
born blind in your left eye."  He proceeded to touch the second man's
left eye.  In amazement the second man exclaimed: "Wow, I can see with
both eyes!"  At this point, the third man said:



 
 "I don't care who you are just STAY AWAY FROM ME, I'm on disability..."

Thankyou, Gerald. :^)

    A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager
    were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland.  They were driving down
    a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.
    The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the
    crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along
    the mountainside.  The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a
    problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no
    brakes.  What were they to do?

    "I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose
    a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
    process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical
    Problems, and we can be on our way."

    "No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and
    besides, that method has never worked before.  I've got my Swiss Army
    knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking
    system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

    "Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we
    should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Reminds me of one I saw a long time ago in PC Mag. To make a long story short:

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Salesman were riding in the 
car and had a flat tire. They get out and propose their solutions:

Salesman: "We need a new car."

Hardware: "Lets change out each tire and see which one is bad."

Software: "Let's just wait a while. Maybe it'll fix itself".

 (I don't think this has been posted before...)

The simple becomes complex .....


High School/Jr.High
===================

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

First year in College
=====================
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.

Senior year in College
======================
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional
================
#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; int i;

for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}

Seasoned professional
=====================
#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>
>
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size) { ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); string
&operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) { return(stream
<< s.ptr);
}

string &string::operator=(const char *chrs) { if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}

Expert Contractor Programmer
============================
[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[
uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader(<windows.h>);
importheader(<ole2.h>);
importheader(<except.hxx>);
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820), aggregatable ]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};


#include "ipfix.hxx"

extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT  __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};


#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk) { cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT  __stdcall  CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString) {
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}


CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop the server cObjRef--; if(
cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration); ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0); }

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } };

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } };

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <string.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT  hRslt;
IHello        *pHello;
ULONG  ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR  wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR  wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1); wcsupr(wcsPath); }
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n"); return(1); }

// get print string
if(argc 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1); else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath); printf("Text String
%ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {


hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk); if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) hRslt =
BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}



Apprentice Hacker
===================
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n"; print
(FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n"; }
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;



Experienced Hacker
===================
#include <stdio.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}



Seasoned Hacker
===================
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out



Guru Hacker
===================
% cat
Hello, world.
^D



New Manager
===================
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END



Middle Manager
===================
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D



Senior Manager
===================
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.



Chief Executive
===================
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout
>
>
         ---------------------------------------------------------

    .268
    
    bwahahahahahahaha
    
    i luv it
    
    can i cross-post it to EF95 please?
    
    ric

----- Begin Included Message -----

<stuff removed>

 
IN THE BEGINNING...THERE WAS A COMPUTER AND GOD SAID... 


                          Humor From The Internet 

Subject: In the Beginning.... 


In the beginning there was the computer.  And God said 


:Let there be light! 
 

#Enter user id. 

:God 

#Enter password. 

:Omniscient 

#Password incorrect.  Try again. 

:Omnipotent 


#Password incorrect.  Try again. 

:Technocrat 

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. 

:Let there be light! 

#Unrecognizable command.  Try again. 


:Create light 

#Done 


:Run heaven and earth 


#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0  errors. 

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. 

#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. 

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. 

:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light 

#Unrecognizable command.  Try again. 

:Create firmament 

#Done. 

:Run firmament 

#And God made the earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. 

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. 

#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. 

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. 


:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let 
the dry land appear and 


#Too many characters in specification string. Try again. 

:Create dry_land 

#Done. 

:Run firmament 


#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. 

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. 

#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. 

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. 


:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night 


#Unspecified type. Try again. 


:Create sun_moon_stars 


#Done 

:Run sun_moon_stars 


#And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. 

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. 

#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. 


#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. 


:Create fish 

#Done 

 

:Create fowl 

 

#Done 

 

:Run fish, fowl 

 

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that 
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged 
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. 

 

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. 

#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. 

 

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. 

 

:Create cattle 

 

#Done 

 

:Create creepy_things 

 

#Done 

 

:Now let us make man in our image 

 

#Unspecified type. Try again. 

 

:Create man 

 

#Done 

 

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have 
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over 
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth 

 

#Too many command operands. Try again. 

 

:Run multiplication 

 

#Execution terminated. 6 errors. 

 

:Insert breath 

 

#Done 

 

:Run multiplication 

 

#Execution terminated. 5 errors. 

 

:Move man to Garden of Eden 

 

#File Garden of Eden does not exist. 

 

:Create Garden.edn 

 

#Done 

 

:Move man to Garden.edn 

 

#Done 

 

:Run multiplication 

 

#Execution terminated. 4 errors. 

 

:Copy woman from man 

 

#Done 

 

:Run multiplication 

 

#Execution terminated. 3 errors. 

 

:Insert woman into man 

 

#Illegal parameters. Try again. 

 

:Insert man into woman 

 

#Done 

 

:Run multiplication 

 

#Execution terminated. 2 errors. 

 

:Create desire 

 

#Done 

 

:Run multiplication 

 

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn 

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. 

 

:Create freewill 

 

#Done 

 

:Run freewill 

 

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn 

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. 

 

:Undo desire 

 

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. 

 

:Destroy freewill 

 

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. 

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. 

 

:Help 

 

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. 

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. 

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. 

 

:Create tree_of_knowledge 

 

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn 

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. 

 

:Create good, evil 

 

#Done 

 

:Activate evil 

 

#And God saw he had created shame. 

#Warning system error in sector E95.  Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 

errors. 

 

:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman 

 

#Search failed. 

 

:Delete shame 

 

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. 

 

:Destroy freewill 

 

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. 

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. 

 

:Stop 

 

#Unrecognizable command. Try again 

 

:Break 

:Break 

:Break 

 

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR 

REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. 

 

:Create new world 

 

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files 

before new ones can be created. 

 

:Destroy earth 

 

#Destroy earth: Please confirm. 

 

:Destroy earth confirmed 


#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 

6 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. 

 

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. 

#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. 


----- End Included Message -----

     
     This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the 
     newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation 
     Board.  So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.
     
     ----------------
     
     Dear Sir;
     
     I am writing in response to your request for additional information in 
     Block #3 of the accident reporting form.  I put "Poor Planning" as the 
     cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust 
     the following details will be sufficient.
     
     I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working 
     alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my 
     work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later 
     were found to weigh 240 lbs.  Rather than carry the bricks down by 
     hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was 
     attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
     
     Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the 
     barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied 
     the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs 
     of bricks.  You will note on  the accident reporting form that my 
     weight is 135 lbs.
     
     Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost 
     my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to 
     say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
     
     In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now 
     proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.  This explains the 
     fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed 
     in Section 3, accident reporting form.
     
     Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until 
     the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley 
     which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.  Fortunately 
     by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold 
     tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now 
     beginning to experience.
     
     At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the 
     ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the 
     weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
     I refer you again to my weight.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid 
     descent down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third 
     floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two 
     fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and 
     lower body.
     
     Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel 
     seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the 
     pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
     
     I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, 
     in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories 
     above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of 
     the rope. And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey 
     back onto me.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, so the wife got a
costumes for both.  On the night of the party she got a headache and told her
husband to go without her.  He protested but she said all she was going to do
was take a couple of aspirin and go to bed, so there was no need of his good
time being spoiled.  He got into his costume and off he went.  The wife, after
sleeping for an hour, woke without a sign of pain.  As it was only a little
after nine, she decided to go to the party.  Inasmuch as her husband didn't
know what kind of costume she was wearing, she thought it would be fun to slip
into the party and see how he acted when she wasn't around.

She joined the party and the first person she saw was her husband, cavorting
around the dance floor, dancing with one babe after another, sneaking a feel
here and there.  So the wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his attention to the new stuff
that had just arrived.  She let him go as far as he wished, and finally he
whispered a little proposition.  She agreed, and they went outside to one of
the cars, etc.  Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home, got into bed, wondering what kind of an explanation her husband
would make for his behaviour.

He came home and went right to the bedroom to see how she was.  She was sitting
up reading, and asked him what kind of time he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old
thing.  You know I never have a good time when you aren't around."  She asked,
"Did you dance much?"  He said, "Well to tell the truth, I never danced a
dance.  When I got there, Pete Jones, Bill Brown, and some other guys were
stag, so we went into the den and played poker.  But I'll tell you one thing,
the guy I loaned my costume to said he had one hell of a good time!!!!"

    
    B.B. King's birthday was coming up so his girlfriend wanted to do
    something unique for a birthday present.
    
     She went to the local tatoo parlor and had his initials tatooed on her
    buttocks...
    
     The day finally arrived and she proudly told him she had a surpise for
    B.B.
    
      She turned around and dropped her drawers...
    
    Mr. King said:
    
     "That's really nice honey...
    
    
      
    
                            but my name isn't BoB!!"
    

| but my name isn't BoB!!"

	It's Bib!

        Dunno if this one made it in here before...
        
        Woman goes to the tattooist, tell him she wants Elvis' portrait
        tattooed right at  the  top  of her inner thigh.  She hikes the
        dress and he gets to work but finds her panties are in the way,
        so off they come.
        
        At last he's done and  holds  up  the  mirror  to let her see -
        "that's awful!" she exclaims;  "nothing like Elvis!".  After an
        argument she agrees to let the tattooist  try  again at the top
        og  the other thigh.  Again with the  mirror  and  again  she's
        horrified - nothing like Elvis.  The tattooist swears that both
        pictures are exactly like Elvis!
        
        They eventually agree to have the first guy who walks  past the
        store  come  in and judge the artwork - unfortunately the first
        guy to come along is so stoned he can hardly walk straight  and
        when the woman lies back to show the images, he says...
        
        "Man,  dunno  who  the  ugly  guys  on either side are, but the
        middle one's a great Willie Nelson"
        

    
    
    What's the defenition of Ethernet?
    
    
    
    
    It's what you use to catch the ether bunny.   :*)
    
    
    
    Happy Easter everyone!
    
    
    Terrie
    

    definition

THE NEW POLITICAL LEXICON FOR 1995
 
An excerpt from PUN INTENDED
The Quarterly Newsletter for the Jeering Impaired
1124-A Clayton Ln. Austin, Texas 78723
 
Copyright (C) 1995 Gary Hallock
Reprinted by permission
 
 
UNFUNDED MANDATE - A night on the town with a guy who has no money.
MANDATE FOR CHANGE - A cheap gigolo.
SHRINKING DOLLARS - Money budgeted for mental health.
CAPITALIST PIGS - Used to fill pork barrels.
PRESS RELEASE - Simplified instructions for manual operation of
elevators.
CONSERVATIVE BACKLASH - The punishment for trying to defy the law of
graffiti in Singapore.
GRIDLOCK - Used to secure the gridiron in case of a football strike.
LANCE ITO - What the podiatrist does if you have a boil on your foot.
JURY SEQUESTRATION - The jurors will be locked up and forced to watch
NBC on Sunday night.
STATE ORPHANAGE - How old is this little waif?
BLOCK GRANT - What the Confederates generally couldn't do.
MATCHING GRANT - Burning a fifty dollar bill.
POCKET VETO - What Mr. Gotti tells his driver after arriving home.
POLITICALLY CORRECT - Some people think you can't do it unless you get
white out.
HOUSE SPEAKER - Intercom.
MAJORITY LEADER - I buy Lipton in metric jugs.
RELIGIOUS RIGHT - How Christians lobby Congress.
PRESSURE TACTICS - Influential breathmints.
OLIVER NORTH - What the Colonel's campaign chairman told him after the
election.
NORTH KOREA - What it is that was Oliver for the Colonel.
LABOR CONTRACTS - Occur just before child birth.
NEW DIRECTION - What Paula Jones claims Clinton offered.
HARASSMENT - She has a butt like concrete.
EDUCATION SECRETARY - Your new personal assistant is a Hebrew from New
Orleans named Ed.
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE - The guys who decide where to buy the Kosher food.
SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP - NASA.
YASSER - The opposite of NASA.
BOUTROS BOUTROS-GHALI - What Gomer Pyle said when he saw two rows of
boots.
FAMILY LEAVE BILL? - Probably not while he's still in the White House.
FED-EX - Former chairman of the Federal Reserve.
PRIME RATE - The amount of coverage a politician gets on the evening
news.
FLAT TAX - What you get charged if you don't re-tire soon enough.
REINVENTING GOVERNMENT - The president is inhaling again.
GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT - Remember that garbage barge that nobody wanted?
PRO-CHOICE - Voting for a billionaire independent candidate with big
ears.
FAMILY VALUES - A blue light special at K-Mart.
AXE OF CONGRESS - What Newt will use to cut the budget.
READ MY LIPS - The two things Bill Clinton says are most important for
saxophone playing.
NO NEW TAXES - The Speaker of the House has buried the hatchet.
WEBSTER HUBBELL - There's a spider on our telescope.
COLIN POWELL - Generally more gutsy than lower G.I.s.
THOMAS DELAY - Anita Hill.
ANITA HILL - What the flooded folks in southern California are thinking
this year.
JESSE HELMS - A Senator who won't bow to pressure and is too stern to
see either end of the boat.
TAX BREAKS - Of course they do!  It's false economy, stupid.  Use nails!
SWEAT EQUITY - A cotton undershirt to put on your horse after riding him
hard.
WORKFARE - Subway tokens for to-the-job training.
WELFARE - The cost of going to the well too often.
WELFARE ROLLS - Kneady people who often loaf on taxpayer dough.
BOB DOLE - Welfare for guys named Bob.
PACKWOOD - The timber industry's political action committee.
PHIL GRAMM - Get in touch with a cracker.
MARION BARRY - The two most important jobs of a clergyman.
BARNEY FRANK - Free postage for purple dinosaurs.
JESSE JACKSON? - Question overheard at Jackie Kennedy's funeral.
TIPPER GORE - What Clinton tells Al when he sends him our for fries.
ALGORITHM - Tipper's method of birth control.
MARIO CUOMO - Catatonic state brought on by playing Nintendo.
RICHARD ARMEY - Bigger budget for the military.
JOYCELYN ELDERS - Shaking up old people.
SONNY BONO - Freshman congressman who's seen his Cher of trouble.
DAN QUAYLE - The State bird of Marilyn.
SPOTTED OWL - What the tourists say when they catch a glimpse of the
Vice President.
LAME DUCK - What becomes of a left wing duck after Peking and just
before he quacks up.
TRICKLE DOWN - When a lame duck bleeds on your golden goose.
ECONOMIC FORECAST - Milton Friedman and three buddies go fly fishing.
RAKIN'OMICS - Retired President's yardwork.
PLY-SIDE ECONOMICS - Bankrupt businesses with boarded-up windows.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE - The guy who shows Clinton how to straddle.
CONGRESSIONAL PAGES - What makes it so difficult for Senator Packwood to
turn over a new leaf.
CONGRESSIONAL AIDS - What some congressmen pursue, but none really want
to catch.
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE - A knee to the groin from a basketball player.
HIDDEN AGENDA - Sexual ambiguity.
FANNY MAY - But you can be sure Bob Packwood.
LIBERAL BIAS - We are in close proximity to a liberal.
MT. RUSHMORE - Good advice for Mr. Limbaugh's bride.
RUSH LIMBAUGH - Dancing under a stick in a hurry.
POLITICAL DYNASTY - Senator Feinstein has a foul mouth.
GIORGIO ARMANI - A request of President Bush to pay off old campaign
debts.
ZERO'S SON GAINS - Former President's kid wins Texas Governor's race.
SON GAINS ZERO - Former President's kid loses Florida Governor's race.
MEDIA AMBUSH - What the new Texas Governor says when introduced
(preceded by the term "Gladta").
ANHEUSER-BUSCH - The usual response of those who meet the new Texas
Governor.
POLITICAL BARB - Female leader of a large tribe of Bushmen.
GEORGE WILL - What you will need to have if you expect to inherit the
4th estate.
SEXUAL INNUENDO - What a peeping Tom is likely to see.
NUDIE MAGAZINES - Where Mr. Gingrich keeps his ammo.
JUDGE'S CHAMBERS - Where Justice Thomas loads his bullets.
CLASS ACTION SUIT - Bulletproof vest for teachers.
CHERNOBYL -  The peace prize was a three-way split this year.
BUDGET DEFICIT - The parakeet is missing!
INFLUENCE PEDDLING - Riding a bike to fight off a cold.
GOPAC - Gingrich's advice to Clinton.
INFLATION INDEX - A rise in the price of playing cards.
WHITEWATER - What Jesus serves with fish.
LAPTOP - What Senator Packwood's secretary works on.
INTERNET - What schools of fish do just before they're caught.
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY - How the Blue Angels fly.
ARBITRATING - The scale by which newt Gingrich and his mom measure first
ladies.
C-SPAN - The new tunnel under the English Channel.
C-SPANISH - What will happen if you watch a non-English Channel.
 
 
A SAMPLE ISSUE OF THE NEWSLETTER *PUN INTENDED*
(INCLUDING A COMPLETE COPY OF THIS LIST) IS AVAILABLE FOR $1 FROM
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From alt.humor.puns:

      Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming.
Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they
differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet
chicken fell ill, began to moult, and soon lost all of its
feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test
case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the
chicken.
      Hing immediately went back to university. Having boned up
on Ornithology and Pharmacology he decided that the answer was a
prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea
leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken
for the two months.
      Meanwhile, Ming travelled all around China, praying at the
shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors
appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree
leaves!!!
      Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that
the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves,
and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for
the two months.
      At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked
as a bowling ball.

Moral:



      All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make
gum tea refeather a hen!

From alt.humor.puns:

      After the third murder in as many months of residents of
the fourth floor of the dormitory, Sherlock Holmes was called in
the case. In each death the body of a student had been discovered
the next morning crushed and covered with tire marks. "How did a
car get onto the fourth floor?", asked the baffled campus
security police. "Have you noticed", Holmes said, "that the
deaths all occurred when there was a full moon?". I believe that
we are dealing with that unhappy curse of modern technological
society- the descendent of the werewolf, the weremobile!!!"
      On the next night that the moon was full, the Great
Detective took action. Every student that lived on the fourth
floor was locked in a separate room, along with an electronically
monitored five-gallon can of gasoline. Toward the middle of the
night the instruments showed the disappearance of the gas in room
440, which was occupied by a Japanese-American student named
Nagawa. "He's pouring out the gas!", whispered the security
chief. "No!, he's drinking it," said Holmes.
      Peering through the keyhole of room 440 they saw that the
student was no longer there, and in his place was a Japanese
compact car!!! The next morning Holmes confronted Nagawa. "When
the moon is full, you become an automobile, and you run over your
fellow students on the fourth floor." "But how did you know?",
gasped Nagawa.



      Holmes replied, "Alimentary, my were-Datsun"!!!

 i must say that you have quite a nerve posting those, gerald.

    I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.  I said "Give me a
    bladder por favor."  The guy said "Is that to go?"  I said, "Well what else
    would I want it for?"  -- Emo Phillips
    
    Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. 
    When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment
    for drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection
    to the Senate?"
    
    I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the
    edge, about to jump off.  so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"  
    "Why shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  
    He said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"  
    He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"  
    He said, "Christian."  I said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"  
    He said, "Protestant."  I said, "Me too!  Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
    He said, "Baptist!"  I said, "Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god 
    or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!"  I said, 
    "Me too!  Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed 
    baptist church of god?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!"  
    I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 
    1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"  He said, 
    "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"  I
    said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.  -- Emo Phillips
    
    Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather
    straps.   -- Emo Phillips
    
    

    
    	Emo is great!!
    
    	Does he have anything else released except for the "Hasty Pudding"
    	album?
    

           <<< Note 58.283 by WAHOO::LEVESQUE "luxure et supplice" >>>

:')

Doesn't Emo know Episcopalians aren't protestants?    
    

 not a joke, but humorous -

   Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.

   European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out
these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
committee staff at top level by participating nations.

  In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse
both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made
with one less letter.

  There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This
would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

  In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments
would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a
deterent to akurate speling.

   We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is 
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the  skem
began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.
Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al,
half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words
kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters.

   Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt  vud
finali hav kum tru.

	     ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF
	     ======================

		Dearest creature in creation,
		Study English pronunciation.
		I will teach you in my verse
		Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
		I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
		Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
		Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
		So shall I!  Oh hear my prayer.

		Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
		Dies and diet, lord and word,
		Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
		(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
		Now I surely will not plague you
		With such words as plaque and ague.
		But be careful how you speak:
		Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
		Cloven, oven, how and low,
		Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

		Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
		Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
		Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
		Exiles, similes, and reviles;
		Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
		Solar, mica, war and far;
		One, anemone, Balmoral,
		Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
		Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
		Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

		Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
		Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
		Blood and flood are not like food,
		Nor is mould like should and would.
		Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
		Toward, to forward, to reward.
		And your pronunciation's OK
		When you correctly say croquet,
		Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
		Friend and fiend, alive and live.

		Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
		And enamour rhyme with hammer.
		River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
		Doll and roll and some and home.
		Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
		Neither does devour with clangour.
		Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
		Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
		Shoes, goes, does.  Now first say finger,
		And then singer, ginger, linger,
		Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
		Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

		Query does not rhyme with very,
		Nor does fury sound like bury.
		Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
		Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
		Though the differences seem little,
		We say actual but victual.
		Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
		Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
		Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
		Dull, bull, and George ate late.
		Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
		Science, conscience, scientific.

		Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
		Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
		We say hallowed, but allowed,
		People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
		Mark the differences, moreover,
		Between mover, cover, clover;
		Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
		Chalice, but police and lice;
		Camel, constable, unstable,
		Principle, disciple, label.

		Petal, panel, and canal,
		Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
		Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
		Senator, spectator, mayor.
		Tour, but our and succour, four.
		Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
		Sea, idea, Korea, area,
		Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
		Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
		Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

		Compare alien with Italian,
		Dandelion and battalion.
		Sally with ally, yea, ye,
		Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
		Say aver, but ever, fever,
		Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
		Heron, granary, canary.
		Crevice and device and aerie.

		Face, but preface, not efface.
		Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
		Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
		Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
		Ear, but earn and wear and tear
		Do not rhyme with here but ere.
		Seven is right, but so is even,
		Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
		Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
		Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

		Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
		Is a paling stout and spikey?
		Won't it make you lose your wits,
		Writing groats and saying grits?
		It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
		Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
		Islington and Isle of Wight,
		Housewife, verdict and indict.

		Finally, which rhymes with enough --
		Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
		Hiccough has the sound of cup.
		My advice is to give up!!!


					       -- Author Unknown

Those who toil in the thankless job of software systems might appreciate this
little tableau:

	Friend: What are you working on these days?
	Me: (A system called) New Part Introduction.
	Friend: Oh is that like "Pleased to meet you"?
	Me: (nodding) Hope you guess my name.

{Ha.
Ha}

From alt.humor.puns:

A symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and things
were getting a bit crazy.  In the fourth movement, the lead
violin player got some string and tied the conductor's music to
the stand.  Meanwhile, the basses had been sneaking shots of
whiskey through the entire performance and were completely
plastered by this point.  The bass trombone player looks up from
his latest issue of Playboy to ask his neighbor what in the world
was going on.  The guy turns to him and says "Well, it's the
bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded and the score is tied."

    Thin, Gerald, thin.  It's probably just as well you didn't invent it.

  hey, it beats the heck out of "...couldn't make gum tea refeather a hen."

    
Subject: Technology

  Bill Gates (Microsoft), Andy Grove (Intel), and Jerry Sanders (AMD)
 were in a  high-powered business meeting.  During the serious, tense
 discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is
 sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper.  Gentlemen, excuse me,
 I really  need to take this call."  So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his
 ear and begins  talking into the end of his tie.  After completing this
 call, he notices the  others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this 
 is my new emergency communication system. I have an  earpiece built into 
 my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie.  That way, I can a
 take a call anywhere." The others nod, and the meeting continues.
 Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy
 starts beeping.  He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.
 Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call."  So Andy taps 
 his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his 
 call, he notices the others staring at him and explains,  "I also have
 an emergency communication system.  But my earpiece is actually implanted
 in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. 
 Isn't that neat?" The others nod, and the meeting continues.
 Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry
 emits a  thunderous fart.  He looks up at the others staring at him and
 says,
      "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

    Got this one in the mail this morning, but I tossed it, so this is a
    paraphrase:
    
    God summons Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates.  He tells them
    that the world is ending in 30 days, and sends them off to prepare
    their people.
    
    Boris addresses his countrymen.  "I have bad news and worse news.  The
    bad news is, we were wrong -- there is a God.  The worse news is, the
    world will come to an end in 30 days."
    
    Clinton addresses America.  "I have good news and bad news.  The good
    news is that our belief system is true -- there is a God.  The bad news
    is, the world will end in 30 days."
    
    Gates addresses his board.  "I have good news and great news.  The good
    news is, God thinks I'm important.  The great news is, we won't have to
    ship Windows 95."

    
    
    (got that last week myself...you pretty much got the gist of it...)
    
    

re:.295

Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

That's even more 'inside' than mine was ;-)

    Our old friend and former boxer Doc Midnight sent this gem to me.
    Enjoy...
    
    
    
Three Men & St. Peter:

    Three  men  stand  before  St  Peter awaiting admission into
    Heaven.  However, St Peter has  been  informed  that  Heaven
    will  only  admit  33%  of applicants today.  The admissions
    standard:  Who died the worst death?  So St Peter takes each
    of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how  they
    died.

    First  man:  "I'd  been  suspecting  for a long time that my
    wife was cheating on me.  I decided to come home early  form
    work  one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in
    the act.  When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water
    running.  My wife was in the  shower.  I  looked  everywhere
    for  the  guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he
    had been there.  But the last place I looked was out on  the
    balcony.  I  found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying
    to get back in!  So I started jumping up  and  down  on  his
    hands,  and  he yelled, but he didn't fall.  So I ran inside
    and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it  until  he
    fell  twenty-five  floors  screaming in agony.  But the fall
    didn't kill the asshole - he landed in these  bushes!  So  I
    dragged  the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about
    a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and  hurled  it  over  the
    edge.  It  landed right on the guy and killed him.  But then
    I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went  back  into
    the bedroom and shot myself."

    St  Peter  nodded  slowly  as  the  man recounted the story.
    Then, telling the first man to  wait,  he  took  the  second
    aside.

    Second  man:  "I  lived  on the twenty-seventh floor of this
    apartment building.  I  had  just  purchased  this  book  on
    morning  exercises  and  was  practicing them on my balcony,
    enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and  fell  off
    the  edge.  Luckily,  I  only  fell  about two floors before
    grabbing another balcony and holding on  for  dear  life.  I
    was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto
    what  must  have been his balcony and started jumping up and
    down on my hands.  I screamed in pain, but he seemed  really
    irate.  When  he  finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up
    again, but he comes out with  this  hammer  and  smashes  my
    fingers  to a pulp!  I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
    landed in these bushes.  I couldn't believe my second stroke
    of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was  this
    enormous  refrigerator falling from the building down on top
    of me and crushing me."

    St  Peter  comforted  the  man,  who  seemed to have several
    broken bones.  Then he told him to wait, and turned  to  the
    third man.

    Third  man:  "Picture  this.  You're  hiding,  naked,  in  a
    refrigerator..."

    I liked that one.  8^)

    I like this SNARF, too.  8^)

    Probably in here... not really a joke.... but cute anyway....
    
    
 Penguin Bowling


 "A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots
 search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it
 at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in
 unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and
 fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like
 spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, 'the
 pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it.
 Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto
 their backs.'"

 Audobon Society Magazine

 Michael Fay, the American teenager who was roundly thrashed for his
 misadventures in Singapore, is currently negotiating for the movie
 rights to his story.  Following is the top 20 list of possible titles
 for his epic tale:
 
      20.  Lethal Whuppin'
      19.  Young Spankenstein
      18.  A Fistful of Hollers
      17.  The Lash Detail
      16.  Bang the Buns Slowly
      15.  Cane's World
      14.  Beat Yerassic Park
      13.  Moonstruck
      12.  Blazing Saddles
      11.  My Left Cheek
      10.  American Graffiti
       9.  Fleshdance
       8.  Buttman
       7.  My Fair Heinie
       6.  Rear Unpleasant Danger
       5.  Lashee, Go Home
       4.  Bunsmoke
       3.  Field of Screams
       2.  Natural Bun Killers
       1.  Sorest Rump
 
   Of course, when this one was sent out at another company, people felt
  compelled to add to it - among the notables:
 
      4. Das Butt
      3. An American Tail
      2. Red Moon
      1. Citizen Caned   (famous last words: Rose Butt! Rose Butt!)

  .303 impressive

    Raising Cane ?

	sugar cane

    
    Adam raised a Cain

    But he wasn't Able.

	There once was a man from Boise
	He had brass balls, quite noisy
	While making a pass
	At a fine young lass
	His balls played "Cracklin' Rose"

	(Wish I had remembered this one when the Neil Diamond
	 discussion was going on! :*)  )

    There was a young lady from Hyde
    Who ate a green apple and died.
    The apple fermented
    Inside the lamented,
    Making cider inside her inside.

 :-)

        I knew a woman who came from Stow, Mass
        Who had a remarkable ass
        It wasn't rounded and pink, as _you_ probably think ...
        It was grey, had long ears and ate grass.
        

    There once was a man from Leeds
    Who swallowed a package of seeds
    Then tufts of grass sprouted out of his ass
    And his balls were covered with weeds

    There was a young lady from Ealing
    She had this incredible feeling
    She laid on her back
    And opened her ..... {actually this limmerick (sp?) is disgusting so
    I'm not going to finish it}

    MARTIN MARIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!z

    There was a young lass from Phizes
    Who had tits of two different sizes.
    One was so small 'twas nothing at all,
    While the other was so large it won prizes.
    

    A guy walks into a bar and notices behaind the bar is a miniature grand
    piano with a tiny man playing it.  The patron says to the bartender
    "where did you get that?"
    The bartender says " I got it out of this magic lantern"
    "Do you mind if I give it a try?" inquires the patron.
    "Go ahead" replies the bartender.  So the patron rubs the lantern and
    out cones a genie who tells the patron he will grant him one wish.
    "I wish for a million bucks" exclaims the patron.
    "Your wish has been granted" answers the genie and returns to the
    lantern.
    
    Suddenly hundreds of ducks start entering the bar.
    
    "I didn't ask for a million DUCKS!" cried the patron.
    
    The bartender shrugs and points to the tiny man playing the miniature
    piano and says ;
    
     "Do you think I asked for a ten inch pianist?" 
                    

    	There once was a man named Brewster
    	who said to his wife as he goosed her
    	"This used to be grand,
    	but now look at my hand!
    	You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."

    
    	RE: -1
    
    	John Valby!!  Great stuff!!
    

    	Perhaps.  I picked it up from a "limerick generator" that I
    	hoarded many years ago.  The .TXT file is dated 1981.

	There was a pair of aliens sent to earth to study sex by humans.  
	One male and one female to study the opposite sex. They came upon   
	this married couple. After talking about it for awhile the 2 males  
	came to the conclusion that maybe they should swap partners for the
	evening. All four agreed.
	
	The male alien and female human went up to the earthlings bedroom.

	The male alien says to the woman "So how do humans start sex?"
	
	The woman answers "First we start by taking our clothes off slow
	and sexy."
	
	The 2 take off their clothes and the woman exclaims "MY Gosh. You
	don't have anything!"

	The alien replies "Just pat me on the top of my head a few times."

	So the woman does and out pops a pencil thin organ 18 inches long.

	She then exclaims "But that way too skinny!"

	The alien then replies "Twist my ears."

	The woman then twists both ears and it suddenly thickens to the 
        thickness of a good size ear of corn and still held it's length
	of a foot and a half. Sheer joy came over the womans face. And
	they both had a night of fulfillment. 

	The next morning she awakens to find the aliens have left and she
	goes down stairs to find her husband half asleep and real grumpy.
	She asks "I had the most wonderful sex in my whole life! How was
	your night?"

        
	The male human replies grumpily "It was horrible! All night long 
	she kept banging the top of my head and twisting my damn ears!"

Space aliens land on earth searching for intelligent life.  Unfortunately
they land late at night in the middle of nowhere.  The only thing around
is a closed gas station.  They decide that the gas pumps must be life forms,
so they take two of them onto their flying saucer.  When they get back to
their planet, their leader yells at them, "Idiots!  You got two males."

    
    <--- I saw a cartoon with a similar theme...
    
    Alien, with spaceship in background, addressing a gas pump:
    
    "Get your finger out of your ear _right now_ and take me to
     your leader".
    

    RE:  .320
    
    John Valby is classic, I saw him a few weeks ago at the Comedy
    Connection in Boston.  He is playing on Saturday June 17th at
    the Hampton Beach Casino Club.

    There was a young lady called Goldie
    Who would eat porridge only
    The Bears disaproved
    Of her unorthorized move
    Now she'll never become a Golden Oldie
    
    
    
    Does that rhyme?
    
    
    joan

    
    	RE: Mike
    
    	No way!!  I haven't heard anything about him for 2-3 years now!!
    
    	Last time I saw him was at The Channel in Boston, and a couple
    	years before that I saw him at Texas [or Uptown, or whatever] in
    	Worcester.
    
    	He's a riot!!
    

    	RE: .327
    
    	The name of Valbys' latest CD is called "Up for Re-erection"
    	and he also released his "Greatest T*ts" CD.  Tickets are on
    	sale now for the Casino Club and they are $15.  The place holds
    	1,600 people and it is general admission, I'm calling Friday to
    	reserve my 10 tix's.
    
    
    	Mike

    I'll stick to Manilow thanks!
    
    -Jack

   One of my favorite alien jokes was a cartoon drawing from the late
   '60s.  Picture a flying saucer with the Earth in the background.  The
   flying saucer has an alien pilot seated at the controls and an alien
   standing behind the pilot holding a gun to the pilot's head.  The
   caption for the cartoon read:
   
   	Cuba?  Where's Cuba?

	Jack, you like that Manilow, huh? He a ball player?

    
    
    	Figures.  I'll be on a plane to CO on 6/17.
    

>    Does that rhyme?

In some ways, yes, Joan. And, the meter is rather unique, too.

    
    	I have an autographed copy of "Sit on a Happy Face" [LP] and I
    	have the Greatest Hits CD "Compact Dirt - Digital Ditties".
    
    	I also have a home-made compilation tape made for me by a friend
    	in 1983 or so ... my introduction to his stuff.
    

    Speaking of aliens, I saw this while browsing through a copy of 
    "Weekly World News".
    
    STOP YOUR alien abduction. Secret I've found works! $3.00 J.S.E. Box
    1774, Hendersonville TN, 37077-1774
    
    

    Hmmm. It looks like that donut lady with the tin foil
    in her hat moved to Tennessee. :-)

Hey, I'll chip in a quarter.

    
    
    Me too, but what does J.S.C. stand for??
    
    
    Terrie
    

        from the net - author unknown... 
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
        Try reading this out loud! 
 ==================================
 
  Computerware    Green Eggs & Ham
 
  =================================
  A grandchild's guide to using Grandpa's computer
  (ode to Dr. Seuss)
 
  Here's an easy game to play.
  Here's an easy thing to say.
 
  If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
  And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
  And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
  Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
 
  If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
  And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
  And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
  Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
 
  You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
  We'll find you another game, sir.
 
  If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
  Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
  But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
  That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
  And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
  So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
  Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
  'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
 
  When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
  And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
  Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
  Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

    
    
    BWAHAHAHAHA :*)  I'm forwarding that to my group
    as we speek &y!!!!  I love it!!!  :*)
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

    	A cartoon I saw hanging on a cubicle:
    
    	A giant rodent sitting at a terminal, controlling the screen cursor
    	with a human-shaped "mouse".

re 58.339 

    
Thankyou!    

From the net:

Overheard at a bridge table:
	"Did you hear about poor Mrs. Smith?  The doctor says she can't have
any more babies."
	"Oh, poor dear.  So now she's inconceivable?"
	(Giggle) "No, no, dearie, you've got the wrong word there.  You should
have said that she was unbearable."
	"Heavens, what malaprops you are!  The correct word is impregnable!"
	"Inconceivable!"
	"Unbearable!"
	"Impregnable!"
	(In comes the husband of one of the ladies.)
	"Ladies, what's going on?"
	"Oh Mr. Johnson, we got into a little argument about Mrs. Smith's
condition.  Do you know what the correct word is?"
	(Slight pause)
	"I believe you should say 'Mrs. Smith is inscrutable.'"

 (from nephew in kaliph - sorry if it has been posted previously)

 If operating systems were airlines.....

 DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of
 the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off
 when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again,
 push it back into the air, hop on, et cetera.

 Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look
 the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions
 about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't
 need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the
 movie.

 Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the
 attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The
 fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet
 takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at
 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.

 OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few
 prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their
 flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there
 are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around,
 apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from
 time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the
 field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be
 on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows
 Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for
 the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until
 mid-1995. Maybe longer.

 Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the
 tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit
 down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are
 flying.

 Unix Express: All passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a
 box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac,
 arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build
 and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into
 groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all
 the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
 All passengers believe they got there.

 Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably
 the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on
 their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight
 attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the
 drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless
 you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
 membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but
 your accounting department can call it overhead.

 MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching
 hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense,
 luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over
 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more
 engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than
 there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger
 mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft
 ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket.
 All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians
 needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in
 the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the
 plane is too big to get through the hangar doors. -

Fairly long, and some of the humor is kinda local, but worth reading.

From: Rich Ahrens <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Subject: [mn.general] Re: Mpls Public Transportation Sucks
 
Newsgroups: mn.general
From: [email protected] (Peter Klausler)
Subject: Re: Mpls Public Transportation Sucks
 
In article <[email protected]>,
  [email protected] (John T. Croteau) whines:
>Does anyone know of an economical way to travel from Maple Grove to the
>Amtrak Station on Transfer Road in St. Paul during early morning hours?
>
>A phone call to several Taxi Cab companies resulted in rates between 
>$1.25/mile and $1.55/mile which IMHO could get quite expensive and I don't
>like the idea of leaving my car parked in St. Paul for a whole week.
>
>I guess I got too spoiled growing up in Boston and Manhatten with the
>excellant Public Transportion.
 
I guess.
 
This being the Information Superhighway, I sure don't want this
request for information to go unanswered. After a little on-line
research, I have uncovered these options.
 
 
(1) Make a friend. Ask the friend to drive you to the station.
 
(2) Move into the city, where the buses run more frequently.
    Just ignore the parks, theaters, restaurants, bookstores,
    diversity, locally-owned non-franchise businesses, and
    friendly neighborhoods, and it'll seem a lot like Maple Grove.
 
(3) Consider moving to Boston or Manhattan, where the
    public transportation is reputed to be excellent.
 
(4) Post on Usenet about the lousy public transportation
    in Maple Grove. Some executive MTCO official will read your
    complaint and be gripped with shame, and will then volunteer to
    drive you personally to compensate for his/her crushing sense of
    inadequacy and failure. Do not forgive this person until he/she
    begs to pick you up and drive you home after your trip.
 
(5) Drive your wood-sided Maple Grove minivan with its
    I (HEART) MY (DOG HEAD) bumper stickers down into the
    crime-ridden inner city and park it by the station.
    The locals won't steal it; we'll just find it amusing.
 
(6) Make an enemy, and tell him/her that the worst thing that
    could ever happen to you would be to be taken to the
    horrible, horrible Amtrak station early in the morning.
 
(7) Take the taxi. When you arrive at the station, fake
    an attack of the Ebola Zaire virus. Crash and bleed out.
    The driver won't want your money then.
 
(8) Use your home iron to join a thousand lawn waste trash bags
    together into a homemade blimp. Get books on blimp piloting
    from your local library. Become a blimp pilot. Ride your
    blimp to St. Paul. Then just let somebody steal the blimp.
 
(9) Realize that in the long run, we'll be dead, and that
    the trip isn't very important after all.
 
(10) Go down into the crime-ridden inner city using one of
     the methods noted above. Steal an MTCO bus. Drive it
     way out to Maple Grove. The day of your trip, take
     the bus and pretend that you're back in Boston or
     Manhattan.
 
(11) Realize that if your trip is truly God's will, He will
     take care of getting you to the station. Consider the
     lilies of the field; they toil not, and neither do
     they commute.
 
(12) Reproduce. When your offspring are old enough to drive,
     make them bring you to the station. Use guilt and
     fear to make them promise to pick you up on your return.
 
(13) Construct a gorilla suit. Menace the neighborhood while
     wearing the gorilla suit. Animal control officers will
     capture you and maybe bring you to Como Park Zoo,
     which is not a terribly long ways from the Amtrak
     station, especially for a strong gorilla.
 
(14) Write artful, insightful poems that cut to the heart
     of the human condition. Become invited as a guest
     on A Prairie Home Companion. When the limousine
     picks you up to take you to the Fitzgerald Theater,
     ask it to stop at the Amtrak station for a second.
 
(15) Go to your Maple Grove neighbors. Ask politely if they
     might be able to drive you to the station. Promise not
     to ask their name or any of that other icky friend-making
     stuff.
 
(16) After the terrible tragic dogsledding death of your
     father, fall into despair about your future until
     you get the idea of entering a big dog sled race
     to St. Paul. Train with spirit and vigor under
     the tutelage of a wise Indian farmhand. Ride with
     your dogs on the train to Winnipeg. (While you're
     there, tell them their hockey team sucks and that
     we don't want it.) Then display great courage
     and depth of conviction as you win the dog sled
     race to St. Paul against formidable odds and
     evil competitors. When people rush out from the
     stands to congratulate you, ask them to bring
     you over to the nearby Amtrak station.
 
(17) Build a canoe. Ride the Mississippi River to
     the crime-ridden inner city. Take a bus there.
 
(18) Write to the Fixit column of the Minneapolis Star
     Tribune. Explain your plight. They know everything.
 
(19) Rip the side off a cardboard box. Use a large black
     marker to write the words AMTRAK STATION on it.
     Go out to I-94 in Maple Grove and stand beside the
     eastbound traffic lanes.
 
(20) Get mightily drunk. One of the many Minneapolis
     Police Department officers who live out in Maple
     Grove may then offer to haul you around in the trunk
     of his squad car. Ask to go to the Amtrak station.
 
(21) Read all of the incessant Amtrak postings on
     mn.general. Somewhere in there there must be
     some mention of planning for local surface
     transportation.
 
(22) Borrow one of those immense American flags from
     the Perkins restaurant in Maple Grove. Tie the
     four corners together and thereby construct
     a balloon that will bring you to the Amtrak
     station and also send a gentle message about
     how we all need to come back together as
     one nation under God, indivisible, with
     liberty and justice for all.
 
(23) The next time you come back on Amtrak, just
     take up residence in the station. Then your
     problem becomes one of getting back to Maple
     Grove occasionally. Wander the station, muttering
     bitterly about the coverage of public transport
     and how much better things are in Boston and
     Manhattan.
 
(24) Figure out a way of getting to Eagan cheaply
     from Maple Grove. Use half of this method.
 
(25) Join a health insurance plan that uses St. Paul
     Ramsey Hospital. Feign a collapse. As the
     ambulance speeds away, ask the EMTs to
     stop at the Amtrak station so you can get
     one last look at your beloved choo-choos.
 
(26) Stuff yourself into a case of returnable bottles
     of Pigs Eye Pilsner. Bounce over to your local
     Maple Grove liquor store. When you get returned to
     St. Paul, take a bus up to University Avenue.
 
(27) Join a homebrewing club. Make beer. Suggest
     that the club do a tour of the Summit microbrewery.
     It's real close to the Amtrak station. Then
     get drunk so somebody else has to do the driving.
 
(28) Realize that from the perspective of somebody
     in Boston or Manhattan, Maple Grove is really
     pretty close to the Amtrak station in St. Paul
     already.
 
(29) Read THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE.
     Become highly effective. Effect a trip to St. Paul.
 
(30) Ask a management consultant how to resource your
     trip to impact the mission statements of the
     people you want to partner with to grow your
     business and impact shareholder value. He will
     be overjoyed that somebody else speaks like
     he does. Then ask him to drive you.
 
(31) Since Maple Grove is at a slightly higher altitude
     than St. Paul, you can build a large Soapbox Derby
     vehicle. Use lots of WD-40 on the axles to minimize
     friction. Crouch low to minimize air resistance.
     Roll to the station.
 
(32) Figure out how to get to St. Cloud cheaply from
     Maple Grove. Execute the plan in reverse.
 
(33) Calculate your weight in ounces. Affix that many
     $0.32 stamps to your body. Write AMTRAK STATION,
     ST. PAUL MN on your forehead. Climb into a
     mailbox. Do the same with your luggage.
 
(34) (I chose to delete this entry. It involved a match
      and the consumption of beer, onions, and Old Dutch
      brand pinto bean dip. It seemed inappropriate for
      a newsgroup that families read together.)
 
(35) Campaign for governor. Win. On your way to the
     mansion on Summit Avenue, stop by to see how
     those stupid Feds are running their train system.
 
(36) Tell Logajan that the tyranny of the majority
     is impeding your right to travel inexpensively
     to the station, and maybe he'll drive you.
 
(37) Steal one of those red bus-stop signs with
     a white T in a circle. Put it up in front
     of your house. Call the MTCO and tell them
     that the damn bus is late again.
 
(38) Post a copy of MAKE.MONEY.FAST to every
     news group. (Your Internet provider will gladly
     supply the text and tell you how to post it.)
     Become insanely wealthy. Then you can afford to
     drive to the station and just abandon your car.
 
(39) Take a U of M commuter bus to campus. Pledge
     a frat. Then ask your frat brothers to drive you.
 
(40) Buy a camera. Propose to the National Geographic
     society that they fund a photo tour called
     THE BRIDGES OF HENNEPIN COUNTY.

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?



The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

    	[Header removed]
    
 A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
 said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."  He
 bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
 
 The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
 into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for a week."  The
 boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
 his pocket.
 
 The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
 Princess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want!" Again the
 boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
 
    
 Finally the frog asked, "What is it?  I've told you I'm a beautiful
 Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do
 *anything* you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

 The boy said,
    
 "Look, I'm a computer programmer.  I don't have time
 for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

Subject: FW: _I'm Glad I'm A Woman_
time for humour!!!!!
 ----------
Subject: _I'm Glad I'm A Woman_
(Many forwards removed)
========================================================================

_I'm Glad I'm A Woman_

     I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
     I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!
     I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
     And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
     Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

    Come on Terrie. We all know that you are jealous because you don't have
    one!   :)
    
    ...Tom

    
    	Oh, Tom, you know the old joke ... with what she's got, she can
    	get as many as she wants.
    
    	8^)
    

    Two white guys are sailing the South Pacific for vacation.  Up comes a
    storm and dismasts their boat.  They put in on the nearest island, with
    no idea where they are, to repair the boat.
    
    Searching inland, they find a tree that will serve as an emergency
    mast.  They cut it down and drag it out to the beach and strip it of
    branches and bark.  Just as they're about to fish it into place, a
    horde of angry natives comes boiling out of the forest and takes them
    prisoner.  The natives frogmarch the sailors inland to a village and
    drag them in front of the chief.
    
    "These two white guys cut down one of the sacred flaoflop trees, O
    Chief, what should we do with them?"
    
    "Hmmm.  You, the one in the blue shirt, what's your name?"
    
    "Harry."
    
    "Okay, Harry, you got a choice.  Death or bolabola."
    
    Given any choice that doesn't include the word death, Harry immediately
    says, "I'll take the bolabola."
    
    So they strip his clothes off and stake him out between two trees, and
    the chief walks around behind him.  The chief drops his loincloth, and
    this guy's equipment would put an elephant to shame.  He steps up
    behind Harry and and <r.o.>s him up the <r.o.> until poor Harry dies.
    
    Then the chief turns to the other white guy.  "And what's your name?"
    
    "Joe."
    
    Okay, Joe, you got the same choice.  Death or bolabola."
    
    Joe isn't particuarly anxious to go the way of Harry, so he says, "I'll
    take death."
    
    "No problem.  We give you death - by bolabola."

    
    
    Gee... I heard the same joke but with two black guys...
    

    .353
    
    Any color works so long as it's not whatever South Pacific natives are,
    I think, Andy.

    Boob envy I assume?  :)
    
    ...Tom

re:  >He steps up behind Harry and and <r.o.>s him up the <r.o.> until 
				^^^^^

Got a little excited while rendering this classic, did we?			
								

    Bwahahaha, your secret's out Mr B.

    {snicker}

    
    
    
    
>>From [email protected] Tue May 23 13:00:14 1995

 1.  How big is the Internet?  When did it start?  How did it grow?
 
     The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think.  It
     is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human
     hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot
     locker.  Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the
     third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors.
 
     Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make
     attractive wigs.  The next time you watch a Sprint commercial,
     you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4
     backbone.
 
     The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient
     Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to
     discuss exploration in the Black Sea.  The Argonets, as they were
     then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won
     one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.
 
     The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described
     elliptically.
 
 
 2.  Who owns the Internet?
 
     There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet.  Instead,
     parts of it are owned by the Illuminati and parts are owned by Free
     Masons.
 
 
 3.  What do the Internet addresses mean?
 
     Precise meanings are often hard to determine.  The address
     baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written
     [email protected] to refer to a computer either owned
     by a baker or by someone named Baker.  This can be deceiving
     however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is
     located.  This one is on top of Mt. Baker.
 
     In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers.
     This is part of the whole right brain/left brain thing.
 
 
 4.  Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.
 
     Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending
     legislation.
 
 
 5.  What is "Netiquette?"
 
     "Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining
     two other words.  In this case, "network" and "tourniquette"
     combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it
     starts transmitting information too fast.
 
 
 6.  What is "Flaming?"
 
     Along with an improvisational approach to floating point
     arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat.
     While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their
     first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips
     caught fire.  This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was
     composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively
     vitriolic verbiage.
 
 
 7.  What is "Bandwidth?"
 
     As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to
     transmit material other than simple text.  One notable example is
     audio recordings of rock concerts.  These audio files are much
     larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard
     unit of network usage.  One Rolling Stone song equals one "band"
     width, and so on.
 
 
 8.  Why can't I FTP to some places?
 
     There are two main reasons for this.  The first is that the site
     you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of
     control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is
     called "fascism."
 
     The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such
     network fads as gopher or the World Wide Web.  This is called
     "keeping up with the times."
 
 
 9.  What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?
 
     The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms
     that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they
     replace.
 
     Gopherspace is an older network term.  In response to the Soviet
     space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program
     to orbit a number of different rodents.  The programmers involved
     in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has
     since been shortened.  The only actual gopher to go into orbit had
     been digging up the carrots in Werner Von Braun's garden, and was
     named Veronica after his daughter.
 

 10. Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?

     It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are
     unable to do things because they are stupid.  The comparatively
     trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a
     WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.

     Three men, an american, a scot, and a canadian are killed in an
    accident. As they get to the pearly gates, they complain about their
    untimely demise to St Peter. St Peter thinks about it a moment and
    tells them that for $500, they can go back.
    
     Tha american awakens, and a bystander asks him about the whereabouts
    of the other two. He answered, "When I left, the scotsman was haggling
    price, and the canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

			WARNING  WARNING   WARNING

			    OJ JOKE FOLLOWS


	Seems that Robert Shapiro was talking to OJ. "I've got good news
	and bad news for you OJ." "Give me the bad news." "Based on the 
	blood tests, it's your blood at Bundy, the walkway, the gate, in
	the Bronco, it's everywhere." "What's the good news?" "Your
	cholestoral is down to 135"

    
    Knock Knock.
    
    Who's There?
    
    Interrupting Cow
    
    Interrupting co
    
    Moo 

That was terrible!  Give yourself a slap.

Chris.

    
    
    Hey, I got a good 2 minute laugh out of it this mornin.
    
    
    

  that's my fave one, mikey.  that and the one where you
  tell the other person to say "knock knock".  some people
  i can get with that one more than once. ;>

    re: interrupting cow
    
    Excellent!  The kids will love this one, thanks...
    
    Chris

snarf!!!!

| <<< Note 58.366 by GRANPA::MWANNEMACHER "NRA member" >>>



| Hey, I got a good 2 minute laugh out of it this mornin.

	Not surprising.... you were the ONLY one who thought my pies crust was
homemade.... everyone else figured it was that cheap store bought crap. :-)

    And all this time I thought you were just a miserable failure at
    crusts.

    Hey, we can't all be wine-making, beer-brewing,
    international-travelling sofisticates like you, eh?
    

    No you're right, because if you all could then the contents of soapbox
    would resemble a 4 alarm fire in an insane asylum.

    As opposed to our present, how you say, 3-alarm fire?
    

        Some of  the  effluvia  herein resembles more the morning after
        aftermath of a poorly made 5 alarm chili...
        
        

    People doing brown clouds in straight jackets?

    This troubles me.

> everyone else figured it was that cheap store bought crap. :-)

I didn't, Glen.

Then again, I didn't have any pie . . . 

    
    
    Glen, Glen, Glen, a pox upon me and my K-Mart tastebuds.  
    
    

| <<< Note 58.371 by POLAR::RICHARDSON "Repetitive Fan Club Napping" >>>

| And all this time I thought you were just a miserable failure at crusts.

	That may be too Glenn.... :-)

| <<< Note 58.377 by MOLAR::DELBALSO "I (spade) my (dogface)" >>>


| I didn't, Glen. Then again, I didn't have any pie . . .

	Yer a smart man Jack... and lucky too!

| <<< Note 58.378 by GRANPA::MWANNEMACHER "NRA member" >>>



| Glen, Glen, Glen, a pox upon me and my K-Mart tastebuds.


	I guess it could be worse........

Jokes, people, jokes!

from rec.humor.funny (will the mods delete this?)

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) has recently been running
ads for a new brand of kitty litter called `Catch-It'.

It looks fine in writing, but how long before someone at the CBC actually
*listens* to a broadcast and pulls the ad?

    Oh, we're a boring lot up here, yes we are.

From alt.humor.puns:

A director was trying to decide between Mitch Ryan and Mark
Hammill for a part in a movie.  The character was to gain entry
to a secluded kingdom located inside a huge golden statue, that
was ruled by a man named Kevin.  The only entrance to the kingdom
was a small opening near the statue's left knee.  Mark went
through easily but Mitch got stuck.  Therefore the director chose
Mark because he discovered it is easier for a Hammill to pass
through the knee of an idol than for Mitch Ryan to enter the
Kingdom of Kevin.

Dick's story about the pothole reminded me of this New English farmer story -

Two salemen are driving through the country in Vermont, and, having no radio
or timepieces with them, are concerned as to whether or not they are in time
for their next appointment. Seeing a farmer in a pasture with his cow, the
salesman driving pulls over and walks up to the fence, hailing the farmer.

"Excuse me, oldtimer, but would you know what the time is?", yells the salesman.

The farmer silently bends down, places his hand beneath the cow's udder and
lifts it slightly, stands up and yells back, "It's nigh onto a quawtah past
fowuh."

The salesman thanks him and goes back to the car to tell his companion. Both
are amazed at what seems to be an extremely sharp sense of animal husbandry.
They drive on to their appointment, spending the night, and return back the
same way the next morning. Once again seeing the farmer in the field with
the cow, they decide to test the technique a second time, so the driver pulls
over and again hails the farmer.

"Excuse me again, oldtimer, but would you know what the time is?", yells the
salesman.

Again the farmer silently bends down, places his hand beneath the cow's udder
and lifts it slightly, stands up and yells back, "It's prett' near a half past
nye-un."

This time, the passenger has been listening and is amazed to find that the
farmer can judge the time so well in this fashion. He gets out of the car
and climbs under the barbed wire fence and approaches the farmer and the
cow.

"Old man, I'm simply amazed to see that you know the bearing of your animal
 so well.", says the salesman.

"Ayuh, an' why's that?", asks the farmer.

"Well, clearly, anyone who can tell the time of day simply by feeling the
 udder of your cow must surely have an excellent sense of their animal's
 habits", replies that salesman.

The farmer replies, "Shucks, tweren't nuthin' really. I just reach down
 and raise up on Bossie's udduh so's I can see the clock on the chuuhch
 down the hillside, theyuh."

re: .387


>    Told to me by my daughter's fianc� last night:
>    
>    What do you ALL a clairvoyant's lover?
>    
>    Seersucker

Does one have to be clairvoyant to understand the joke? :-)

Bob

    Told to me by my daughter's fianc� last night:
    
    What do you call a clairvoyant's lover?
    
    Seersucker

The scene is the porch of Leeman's general stoah in east athens mayun.
Stoah ownah mistah Leeman sittin on the potch big dog layin next to him.

a summah-trouble(tourist) from the big city stops in front of the stoah
and the new-yawker rolls down his window and says "is this your store"
Leeman answers "ayuh". NY-er "Do you sell Coca-Cola?" Leeman "Ayuh".
NY-er starts to open door of car, big dog gets to it's feet, NY-er
"Does your dog bite?" Leeman "nope!". NY-er gets out, dog shreds his ankles,
blood flows, NY-er jumps back in the car opens the window a bit and says
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite?"

Leeman says


"Mine don't, he's home with my wife, _THIS_ ain't my dog!"    
    

Johnson had spent his entire life making wrong decisions.  If he bet on
a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it
would stall between floors; the line he picked for the teller at the
bank or the check out at the market was always moving at a snail's pace;
the day he would choose for a picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so
it went, day after day, year after year.
 
It became necessary for Johnson to travel to a city thousands of miles
away and to do it quickly.  A plane was the only possible conveyance
that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one
company supplied only one flight that would do.  He didn't have to make
a choice!  His heart bounded.  Surely if he didn't have to choose, he
could come to no grief.
 
Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane's engines
caught fire and it became obvious that the plane would crash in moments
<must've been near Philadelphia... heh heh>.  Johnson broke out into
fervent prayer to his favorite saint, Saint Francis.  He pleaded, "Never
in my life have I made the right choice.  Why this should be, I don't
know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained.  On this
occasion however, I did not make this choice,  Why then am I being
punished?"
 
He had no sooner finished his prayer when a giant hand came swooping
down and snatched Johnson from the plane.  There he was, miraculously
suspended 2 miles above the earth's surface, while the plane spiraled
downward far below, crashing towards the earth.
 
A heavenly voice came down from the clouds.  "My son, I can save you, if
you have in truth called upon me."
 
"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson.  "I called on you Saint Francis!"
 
To which the voice replied, "Is that St. Francis Xavier or St. Francis
of Assisi?"

A Scot has been marooned on a desert island for months. Little to drink.
Less to eat. No companionship. One morning, as he awakens on the beach,
he sees a comely lass striding up from the surf in a wetsuit. She approaches
him and says, "Good day to you, Laddie. I'm a magic genie and I'm here to
grant you three wishes."

"Well", replies the Scot, "It's been some time that I'm stranded here and
I could certainly use a good slug of spirits."

With that, the gorgeous woman partially opens the zipper front of the wet suit
and reaches into an inside pocket to bring out a liter of one of the finest
Laphroigs (sp?) that the Scot has ever seen in his life. He grabs it and takes
a small sip. Relishing it, he says, "Aye, but that's good Lass."

"Is there, ANYthing else you'd like?", asks the seductive genie.

"Well, nothing would accompany this Scotch anywhere near so well as a good
 pipe", answers the Scot.

Again the woman reaches into the wetsuit, unzipping the front a bit more.
Now, quite provacatively exposed, she hands him a well seasoned meerschuam
and a pouch of Cavendish, plus a box of blue-tips.

The Scot accepts the offering, packs his pipe, lights it leisurely and draws
from it, sipping the Scotch. "Ah, Lass, ye do a man's heart good!", exclaims
the Scot, blowing a smoke ring or two.

"But, is there ANYthing else you'd like?", asks the genie, wetsuit now open
about to the waist.

"Alas, nothing I can think of right off", says the Scot.

"Well", replies the genie, pulling the zipper down another inch or so, "Are
you sure you wouldn't like to, maybe, play around?"



"Oh, Lassie, now don't be tellin' me you've a set of clubs hidden in there!"

YFEG=Your Favorite Ethnic Group

An YFEG has been stranded on a desert island for some time, but one day,
while strolling the beach, happens upon an old bottle, which he picks up
and begins to rub. Lo and behold, out pops the genie who informs him
that times are tough, so, sorry, fellah, but only two wishes. 

"Well, I've been here so long, and I get _so_ thirsty for a cold drink,
 that I sure could use a nice fresh mug of draft beer", says the YFEG.

ZAP! Immediately the YFEG is holding a frosty mug of beer with a healthy
head and good amber color. Still amazed, he quaffs it down, but no sooner does
he right the empty schooner than it fills again to the top with fresh
draft. Again he chugs the beverage, and again the glass refills as he stands
in awe watching. This sequence repeats a few times, and finally the genie
mentions something about "Places to go, People to see, and how about that
second wish?"

The YFEG stands there for a moment staring at the glass as it refills yet
again and says -


"Boy - I sure could use another one of these!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. Things are quiet
in the bar - very few customers. But he notices that at the opposite end of
the bar from him sits a man who looks rather odd - perfectly proportioned
from the neck down, but the man's skull is barely the size of a navel orange.
Considering this as he sips his drink, the latecomer becomes more and more
curious until he finally can contain himself no longer. He walks to the
end of the bar and confronts the other customer.

"Pardon me, friend, but I couldn't help but notice that you seem to have a
rather odd deformity. Would you mind my asking as to whether or not that's
some sort of congenital problem?"

"Oh,no. Of course not", replies the approached. "But I can tell you how I came
to be this way."

"Please do", says the questioner.

"Well, many years ago I'd been stranded on a desert island for months. One
 day in walking the beach looking for salvation, I happened upon an old
 lamp which I picked up and idly rubbed. Before I knew it almost, a voluptuous
 genie in seductive clothing appeared and told me that I was entitled to
 three wishes.

"As I hadn't had anything other than brackish water and insects for weeks,
 I first asked for a cool drink and a good meal. There was a brief puff of
 smoke and there in my hands was a crystal goblet filled with fresh, cool,
 spring water, and a table at my side with more of the same in a pitcher
 full of ice. Ahead of me was a sumptuous banquet table complete with
 appetizers, soup, salad, pasta, entrees, deserts and wine for all courses.

"Not believing my eyes, I settled in to eat and drink to my fill in any
 event. When I was sated, the genie approached me and asked about my 2nd wish.
 Well, I'm not hesitant to tell you that after such a great meal, this genie
 looked mighty good, so I responded that I thought it might be nice, since I'd
 been secluded for such a long time, if she and I could get it on.

"At this suggestion, she immediately took affront, stomped her feet, crossed
 her arms and said -
	"Absolutely not! That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard. I'm
	 totally repulsed by that idea. I can't _BELIEVE_ that you'd have the
	 unmitigated gall to make such a request. And just for that, you've
	 only got ONE wish left!"

"To which I replied -



	'Well, then, how 'bout a little head?'"

    
    
    No man is an island, Jack.....

    So, Jack, is that feller with the orange-sized head an acquaitance
    of the 10-inch pianist????
    

re: .396

C'est possible, Keith.

 didja hear the one about..

  Snarfs?

    Did you hear the one about
    
    
    MOOOOOOO!
    
    
    
    Would somebody get this stupid cow outa here?!?!?!

	Marg attended one of those Save-Your-Marriage-And-Sex-Life Seminars
	and was extremely enthusiastic about lesson five.  As soon as she got 
	home, she put her aerobics mini-trampoline in the living room right in 
    	front of the door.  She stripped naked and then put on her full-length 
	mink (before the days of animal rights).  When Herb came home from 
	work that evening, Marg was jumping up and down on the trampoline, 
	fanning her coat, flashing, and shouting "SUPER SEX.  SUPER SEX.  
	SUPER SEX."
        
    
    	Herb said, "I'll have the soup."
                                                          

    idjit :*)

    
    
    hey, deb...how come i read your joke yesterday and then it came up as a
    new note today...whatcha do to it?????
    
    

    
    I posted it from a mail message I received but didn't proofread so I
    had to go back and correct a misspelling of 'trampoline'.
    
    Being a pedant and all, you understand 8^).
    

    
      Did ya hear about the man who put an ice cube in his condom?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
        He wanted to keep the swelling down.

	You know growing up in the country, and in the south, leaves one with
some very memorable experiences.  Like my cousin Aaron.  He had finally
convinced Mary Sue, his girlfriend to do the beast with two backs. 
Unfortunately, they couldn't find a suitable location.  The Sand Pit was out
cause Mary Sue didn't want her momma to see any sand in her drawers (pronounced
drawas), and know she'd been doing wrong.   Same thing with the barn (ceptin'
for hay instead of sand). Last Tuesday out back of Hawhammock Church they found
this large grave in the back of the cemetary.  Things worked out well til Mary
Sues' back started botherin' her that evenin'.  John Allen, her brother told me
her momma said "Chile, they ain't nothin wrong witch yo back.  The problem is yo
ass died in 1973."
 
Mikey

My daddy was a wonderful man.  he didn't take anything off anybody, but treated
the four of us like gold.  I'm not spoiled or anything like that.  Some might
say I was conceited.  I have to totally disagree, those are character flaws!  He
fully expected me to be in bed by nine on Friday nites!.  If I wasn't home by
midnight though I got grounded.  No more using the mule for a whole 
month.  He grew up in Johnson County Ga (Home of Herschel Walker BTW.).  When
WWII came around he signed right up along with his best friend John Thomas. (No
I don't know why so many of us have two first names)  On the train going  to the
training post, the conductor came along selling fruit.  "Apples, Oranges
Bananas.  Two fer a nickle."  Well daddy had had Oranges and Apples for XMas 
at home but he  had never eaten a 'nanner.  so he bought two and gave one to JT.
Just when JT took his first bite the train went into a tunnel. 

"Joe Brown!!" he hollered "Have you tried yore nanner yet ?"  

"No not yet "

"DON'T!,  I took one bite of mine and went slap blind"

Mikey

          <<< HUMANE::DISK$CONFERENCES:[NOTES$LIBRARY]HUMOR.NOTE;1 >>>
                          -< Humor - Read Note 2.*  >-
================================================================================
Note 203.368                  SICK/TASTELESS Jokes                    368 of 368
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
	A woman is involved in a serious road accident and she is
	rushed to the local casualty unit where the staff attempt
	to save her life.

	After 4 hours of working on her they stem the bleeding and 
	she remains stable although unconcious (sp?).

	The chief surgeon calls her husband in and says...

	"We have tried all stimuli we can think of, pins, electrodes
	 adrenaline, amphetamines etc. but we just can't get a
	 response."
	
	"However, we think that we should try one last thing..Oral
	 sex."

	The husband agrees to this plan and the surgeons wire the
	woman up to a set of monitors for brain activity, EKG, ECG
	etc.

	The surgeon says to the husband...
	
	"OK, if you'd like to go in and start we will close the door
  	 and monitor her response from out here...good luck"

	The husband enters the room, closing the door behind him.

	Then after a couple of minutes the monitors start to
	bleep and whine...peaks appear on the heart monitor
	and the surgeon starts to smile....

	SUDDENLY the heart monitor drops to a flatline...

	BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....

	The surgeon rushes into the room and shouts to the husband..
	
	"What the hell happened ?...we've lost her !"

	"Oh no" says the husband....

	"she must have choked !"

Subj:	joke-of-the-day

Al Gore was arrested for shooting a spotted owl.  When he got to court,
the judge said, "You know it's illegal to shoot spotted owls, they're
an endangered species."  Gore replied, "I know, Your Honor, but I was
lost in the woods, and I was starving.  That poor owl was the first food
I had seen in three days!"
    
The judge took pity on Mr. Gore and said, "Well, I'll let you off with a
warning this time.  It's obvious you were trying to survive.  Just don't
let it happen again."  The Vice President swore that he wouldn't and
thanked the judge profusely.
    
On the way out the judge stopped him.  "By the way, Mr. Vice President,
how did it taste?"  Gore thought for a moment, then replied, "Not bad...
not bad.  It tasted a lot like bald eagle."

    
    	Oh goody ... maybe we can expect to see that joke every 4 years,
    	with a new VP as the "star"?
    
    	8^)
    

    
    Well hey, it was the first time I'D seen it 8^p.

    	A man was talking with a buddy in a bar, lamenting the decline
    	in excitement in his marriage.
    
    	The buddy suggested that he try some new things with his wife,
    	like playing doctor for an hour or so as foreplay.  The man 
    	asked how he would go about sustaining the fantasy for an
    	hour, and the buddy replied,
    
    
    	Well, first you make her wait outside the door for 45 minutes
    	reading magazines...

    
    	A cop happens to see a nude female sitting on a park bench, so
    	he goes over to her.
    
    	"What are you doing?" he asks.
    
    	"Well", she says, my boyfriend said to me, "let's get naked and
    	go to town.  I guess I got here first".
    

(Forward removed):*)
    
    
> 
>   Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel,
> and   AMD,  in case you didn't recognize one (or more?!) of the names)
> were in a  high-powered business meeting.  During the serious, tense
> discussions, a  beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is
> sitting. 
>   Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper.  Gentlemen, excuse me, 
> I really  need to take this call."  So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his 
> ear and begins  talking into the end of his tie.  After completing this 
> call, he notices the  others are staring at him. 
>   Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. 
> I have an  earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the
> end of my tie.  That way, I can a take a call anywhere." 
>   The others nod, and the meeting continues. 
>   Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts
>  beeping.  He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.  Excuse me, 
> gentlemen, this must be an important call."  So Andy taps his earlobe and
>  begins talking into thin air. 
>   When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and  
> explains,  "I also have an emergency communication system.  But my
> earpiece is actually  implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is
> actually embedded in this   fake  tooth.  Isn't that neat?" 
>   The others nod, and the meeting continues. 
>   Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits
> a  thunderous fart.  He looks up at the others staring at him and says,
> "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax." 
> 

    Subj:	Joke-of-the-day         

    The chicken industry was in terrible shape, losing money and laying off
    employees.  Industry leaders hit upon a plan:  They went to see the Pope
    and said, "We'll give a million dollars to the Church if you agree to
    change the Bible:  Where it says, "Give us this day our daily bread,"
    change it to "Give us this day our daily chicken."

    The Pope was outraged and said, "No!"

    The chicken leaders said, "Okay, 10 million dollars."

    "Absolutely not!  I won't tamper with the Word of God!"

    After some consultation, the chicken leaders said, "Okay.  100 million
    dollars and that's our final offer!"

    The Pope couldn't turn it down.  He accepted.

    At the next General Council, the Pope announced, "I have some good news
    and bad news.  The good news is that I've made 100 million dollars for
    the Church.  The bad news is....
    
    
    
    ...we lost the Wonder Bread account."

    I thought they already changed it! ;-)

	Why does a Scotsman wear a kilt?





	Cuz the sheep would hear a zipper....

    The bagpipes might be a bit of a give away though.

    
    
    What does a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
    
    
    
    
    Someone's going to lose a trailer.
    

================================================================================
Note 203.363                  SICK/TASTELESS Jokes                    363 of 376
                               -< Pretty sick! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Warning some people may find offensive!

    
    
                           The Singing Bl*w J*b
    
    There is this man feeling a bit down, fancies a bit of nook and cranny.
    So he goes down to the local house of ill repent.
    "Hello" he says to the woman at the hoare house "I'm looking for a bit
    of fun but I've only got $10"
    "Yes Sir, we have just the thing for you. Go up the stairs and down to
    the end of the coridoor, first door on the right. The only thing is sir
    she is a bit shy so don't turn the light on"
    So off he goes up the stairs, down the coridoor gets to the door, opens
    it and goes in. It is dark inside but he remembers not to turn on the
    light. Anyway as soon as he is in the room he feels someone undoing
    his trousers. Christ and by-heck he thinks this is alright. She takes
    out his C*#k and starts to give him one of the best bl*w j*bs ever.
    This man has never felt anything like it, absolubtly superb, and then
    as if that wasn't enough she starts singing as well, and the voice is
    heavenly so soft and gentle but yet really sexy. This man is almost in
    ecstacy. Anyway in no time at all he has dumped his load and he goes
    back down stairs.
    "Everything alright for you sir" asked the girl in the reception.
    "Oh yes, marvelous that was the best that I have ever had, Thankyou I
    am feeling much better"
    Anyway a week passes and this man feeling a bit down again decides to
    go back to this hoare house for another one of these bl*wj*bs. He gets
    there and once again gives the lady $10, goes up the stairs, along the
    coridoor opens the door, leaves the light off and once again feels
    someone undoing his trousers. Only this time it is even better than the
    first, absoultely magnificent, out of this world and if that wasn't
    enough for the man to cope with she starts singing again the voice, the
    bl*wj*b, the man thinks he has died and gone to heaven. It was
    UNBELIEVABLE. Once again the man leaves very happy and satisfied,
    thanking the lady in reception on the way out. Well this man can hardly
    contain his excitment and tells all his friends about it.
    "Make sure you ask for the woman at the end of the coridoor, it will
    only cost you $10, but whatever you do don't turn on the light because
    she is a bit shy." he told them.
    Anyway sure enough his friends came back to him and told him that they
    had all received the best bl*wj*b of their lives, and were themselves
    in ecstacy when she started singing with that oh so heavenly voice.
    "See I told you so" said the man.
    Anyway once again this man is feeling a bit down and out and goes back
    once more for another bl*wj*b. He pays the woman and once again goes
    back up to the room. And once agian his c*#k is taken out and he is
    given again another outstanding bl*wj*b and again she starts to sing as
    she is giving him it. Only this time his curiosity gets the better of
    him and he just cannot resist turning on the light to see just how this
    woman is managing to give this man such good singing bl*wj*bs. So he
    turns on the light and the first thing he sees on the floor is....
    
    A GLASS EYE
    

================================================================================
Note 203.376                  SICK/TASTELESS Jokes                    376 of 376
                            -< Cinderella anyone? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What did Cinderella Say when she got to the ball?
    
    
    
    " gguummppphhh "

    
    
    .421
    
    
    very gross...
    
    took me a minute...but still very gross...
    
    

Got this in the mail, headers and forwards removed. Enjoy

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing? 

 Here's an easy game to play.
 Here's an easy thing to say:

 If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is 
 interrupted as a very last resort,
 And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the 
 socket packet pocket has an error to report!

 If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
 And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your 
 data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
 Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! 

 You can't say this?
 What a shame sir!
 We'll find you
 Another game sir.

 If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
 Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your
 packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected 
 by the printer down the hall,

 And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your 
 icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
 Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as 
 I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the 
 microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
 Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. 
 Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

    
    Psst, Andy, my mistake. Don't tell anyone.

Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.

 1.  Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger is involved.
 2.  Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
     They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
 3.  If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
     few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.  Most
     of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
 4.  Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
     usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
 5.  Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In a world
     where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
 6.  Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident that when
     he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
     can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
     from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get
     off the phone in case they call him.
 7.  If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
     play-off season.
 8.  Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes them feel important.
 9.  Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.  Not
     being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10.  All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11.  The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can
     ever care about anyone else.
12.  Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.  They can learn
     in private; in public they have to know.
13.  Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14.  All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my
     pillow, instead of a gun.
15.  A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.  These men usually
     have jobs and bathe.
16.  Men love watches with multiple functions.  My husband has one that is
     a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17.  All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."  These
     seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18.  Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a fire and the
     last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19.  Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to
     get a bikini wax.
20.  All men think that they're nice guys.  Some of them are not.  Contact
     me for a list of names.
21.  Men don't get cellulite.  God might just be a man.
22.  Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.  Women have two types:
     depressing and more depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy and not
     nerdy.
23.  Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
     in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
     heaters that snore.
24.  Women take clothing much more seriously than men.  I've never seen a
     man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
     out of here.  There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25.  Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's department is usually on
     the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26.  If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
     types of lettuce, he is serious.
27.  If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
     got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
     for a nasty surprise.  The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
     cocoons and butterflies.
28.  Men own basketball teams.  Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
     and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29.  No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on record
     saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30.  When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31.  When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32.  Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33.  Men are less sentimental than women.  No man has ever seen the movie
     THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34.  Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?  Am I emotionally and
     creatively fulfilled?"  Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
     How's my car?"
35.  If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...
     he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to
     call you.
36.  Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I asked him,
     "Are we going to have sex again?"  He said, "Yes, but not with each
     other."
37.  Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it
     out of sight of women.
38.  Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
     "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
     challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
     you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes
     they leave skid marks.
39.  Men accept compliments much better than women do.  Example: "Mitch,
     you look great."  Mitch:"Thanks."  On the other side:"Ruth, you look
     great." Ruth: "I do?  Must be the lighting."
40.  Impulse buying is not macho.  Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41.  Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42.  Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
     a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43.  Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
     their clothes all button and zip in the front.  Women's dresses usually
     button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but
     we also need men to help us get dressed.
44.  Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes.
     Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45.  When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
     will assume she has gained weight.  When a man tries something from
     his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46.  Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.  With female
     menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.  Male menopause - you get
     to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47.  Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48.  That's why men need instant replays in sports.  They've already forgotten
     what happened.
49.  Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50.  All men would still really like to own a train set.

    <----- Very insightful indeed! :-)

From: [email protected]

Colm Buckley ([email protected]) wrote:
: > == [email protected] (Vivek Dasmohapatra)
: >> == [email protected] (Colm Buckley)

: >> Why resort to the current version of Windows?  Isn't he William Gates
: >> the Third?  (gosh, how appropriate)

: > Hmmm... Bill Gates the Third. That wouldn't be an obscure piece of
: > rhyming slang, now, would it?

: Hence the "gosh, how appropriate"...  maybe I'm being too subtle for
: this audience :)

Now let's see, how did that song go...

I'm William the Third I am
William the Third I am I am
I got screwed around by IBM
Pretty soon I was screwing them
And everyone uses Microsoft
They wouldn't have an Apple or a Sparc (no Sparc!)
I'm the King of Earth, I'm William
William the Third I am!

(Second verse, same as the first (only three years late...))

Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
From: [email protected] (NED)
Subject: antigravity
 
> >  THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
> >  -----------------------------------------------
> >
> >  If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the
> >  floor butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window
> >  or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
> >
> >  But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side
> >  up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window?
> >  Will the cat land on its feet?  Or will the butter splat on
> >  the ground?
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you
have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
 cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium
point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift,
or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the
civilized species of the Universe already use this  principle to drive
their ships while within a planetary system.  The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of  several hundred
tabbies. And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship
using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.
One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say,
about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs,
thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines.
More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?
I offer a modest proposal:
 We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a
guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat.  Plaster the outside of
your ship with white shirts.  Place four nozzles symmetrically around the
counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine.  Your only hope at
that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide.  This will create
the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

from alt.humor.puns:

      At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was
one small salmon. He was about to kill it when the salmon
shouted, "Wait, I'm too small!"
      "Wow!, a talking salmon", the fisherman exclaimed, "What's
your name?"
      "Rusty", replied the small salmon. "Please throw me back
into the sea!"      The fisherman did so.
      About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot when
he again caught Rusty! "Amazing", exclaimed the fisherman, "What
have you been doing since I last caught you?"
      "I've been sitting on the wreck of the Titanic writing
poetry, it's very inspirational there". The fisherman read some
of the poems and was quite impressed. "These should be
published", he said, "Have you thought of a title for them?"
      After some thought the fish said, "I'll call them



            "Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses"

from alt.humor.puns:

...so this baby harp seal walks into a bar and orders a Canadian Club on
the rocks...

    <---- BWAHAHAHAHAAA!

    
    
    
        What do you get when you cross an american and a dog.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
      
    
        Answer. Nothing a dog would'nt shag an american.......
    

    
    
    	What's the difference between a yank and a bucket of Cack ?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Answer;) The Bucket.

    
    
    	isn't this fun? I'm laughing on the inside....really....
    
    

    
    
      Well here's one that will crack a smile on your face bigger than 
      the one on your butt.........:-)
    
    
      What do you get when you cross an american with a monkey.......
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
       ANS:  A six foot monkey to spank.............
    
    
    
    

    
    
    RE: .437  For you, that would be quite a crack as you're all butt...

    
    <<<<----------------hahahahahhahahhahhhahahhahh   great one!

    What's the difference between America and a pot of yoghurt??
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Answer-After a while the yoghurt creates it's own culture.

    
    
    What's the difference between an American and a Parrot ?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    You can have a conversation with the parrot after you shag it.

    re; 6' monkey... you get one that'd slap you back terminally!

    -1 bwhahahahahaha... and you're from across the pond right?

    
    It pains me to admit it.

    KIRKTN:: - the home node of PPA (pusillanimous posters anonymous)
    

    
    They obviously have difficulty with the `form feed' feature...
    

    
    
    OXYMORON:
    
    
    
    British Intelligence
    

    
    
    You know folks...
    
    The jokes seem to lose something, when you're not familiar with the
    particular country's idioms and phrases...
    
     Yes, we in America finally figure out what "shag" is and "cack" and
    "yoghurt"??? but then the "joke" sorta loses it's bang, so to speak....
    
      Suggestion? Sit in a circle... drink your warm beer... and guffaw at
    each other....

    
    
    And have fun eating the biscuit in the middle.....

    
    
    
    
       Sit in a circle and drink warm beer.....
       Why not sit in a circle and drink our own urine it has the same 
       flavour as american beer.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
         What do you get when you cross an american with a large arse..
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
         answer:  Bill Clinton........
    

    No doubt this passes for UK wit across the pond. How pitiful, the
    paucity of cleverness. 

    
    
    	Yes, WIT.
    
    	I suppose you lot invented that aswell
    
    
    
    and it's probably bigger in Texas too.

    Well, for every David Attenborough you've gotta have an RDOUGLAS for
    balance, I suppose.

from alt.humor.puns:

>       Like the joke about Noah releasing all the animals after the
>Flood, then taking one more walk through the Ark.
>       He sees two snakes curled up in a corner.
>       "Why are you still here?" he asks. "Why don't you go forth and
>multiply?"
>       "We can't," one moans. "We're adders."

Noah, being quite a carpenter, thought he could get the snakes to go
forth and multiply if he gave them a nice gift.  So he made them some
rustic wooden furniture to decorate their new home.  Later, when he went
to visit the snake couple, there were hundreds of baby snakes
everywhere.  Noah asked, "How did you get all these babies if you
couldn't multiply?"  To which the adders replied, "All we needed were
some log tables."

    
    
    	Dear Mr Blister,
    
    			Does your notes header refer to the palms of your
    	hands ?
    
			Or your jerry crash helmet ?
               

    
    
    Wow!!! The wit is astonishing!!!
    
    Where have these guys been???
    
    
    
      Can we send them back??????
    

    
    RDOUGLAS:
    
    Anagram: ROAD SLUG
    
    -b

    What does an American Fighter Pilot do when he comes across a Allied
    battalion of easily Identified British Tanks in a baron desert??
    
    
    
    Answer = He uses that All-American Intellegence and blows them away!!

    
    
    	You did !
    
    	We were sold to Motorola .That leaves just you lot to go down the
        crapper.
    
    	This is our last day.That's our excuse.
    	Go away and work, or you'll be sweeping up in Macdonalds.
    
    	

    
    
    
    Wow what a thrill to be an american land of the free home of the
    stupid..
    
    
    

    
    
    Where have these POMS been all along, their debating style is great.

    
    re: .459
    
    
    "barren"...
    
     NNTTM...
    

    
    
    	Does Oklahoma count as sweeping the streets then   ?
    
    
    
    We may have a laugh but this has gone beyond a joke.
    
    

    
    
    	re: .465
    
    
    	yup, I was right. You have no morals...
    
    
    

    From the sound of things, a few of these gits have been taking
    that "bow before the queen" thing a bit too seriously. Free
    hint: that bloke down the pub wasn't the queen they originally
    had in mind...

    -b

    
    	What is the difference between an American citizen and a British
    	  soldier?

    
    They're soiling the box on their last day because they know they
    don't have the intellectual resources for a sustained defence of
    their behaviour.
    

    
    
    Gee, I wonder if the personnel department at Motorola would 
    enjoy some lite reading this week......
    
    
    
    
    just a thought.. :*)
    
    
    Terrie
    

       
    
    
    
       We have never soiled your box........
    
                                    

    But .440 and a couple of others were pretty good, actually.
    
    A long time ago in the HUMOR conference, I'd asked people from
    countries other than the U.S. to enter their ethnic jokes about
    America and Americans.  I'd figured that we had so many jokes
    about other countries, surely they must have some about us.
    But my request was ignored at the time, alas, so it's interesting
    to see these here now.
    
    Chris

    Intellectual resources-well that's a laugh, let's face it the yanks are
    a nation of dim-wits,i.e. Ronald Reagan president -only idiots would
    have this geezer in power and even he made an arse of himself(remember
    when he said by mistake on air that he'd bomb Russia tomorrow - one way
    route to WWIII). 
    
    Best quote of the 60's=
    
    
    
    We will go in and sort out Vietnam!!
    
    

    
    
    
    		Thanks Mate.
    
    	You must only be first generation American.
    

    
       How does the British keep their s##t together?
    
    
    They keep pressing on their head.

    
    These are recycled ethnic jokes.  Simply insert current target
    locale in place of America.  The Yoghurt joke was originally
    about Australians.

    
    
    RE: .468  Well, the incident was brought up by you folks to begin with.
    

               <<< Note 58.452 by WAHOO::LEVESQUE "Mr Blister" >>>

>    No doubt this passes for UK wit across the pond. How pitiful, the
>    paucity of cleverness. 

	Well he IS one of the "islanders" we were speaking of earlier,
	doncha know.


Jim

    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    Voice replied "Lost British Tourist in Florida" 
    
    
    Eat Lead Sucker Bang Bang Bang!
    
    

Such heavy subject matter for a Friday afternoon . . . .

It's Friday evening in South Queensferry.

    I'd just like to remind my Atlantic cousins that although they feel
    superior to us 'Islanders'(tm) only a few years ago their ancestors
    were slipping out the top of my Jap's eye - i.e you are the long
    discarded belongings of my old bollocks.
    						:-)
    Keep up that sense of humour.
    

    
    
    You have a cheek calling us 'Islanders' when almost all of your nations
    population are so fat they could be called 'Islands' themselves....
    
                               
    
    
    
    What do you get when you cross an american with a queer
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
     Another silly benetton advert.....
    
    
      What do you get when you cross an american with a cactus plant
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
      A huge prick that knows nothing at all....

    
    
    Oh the agony!!!!
    
    
    To think we've been missing this marvelous wit for so long!!!!
    
    

    re: .484
    
    Addendum....
    
    >You have a cheek calling us 'Islanders' when almost all of your nations
    >population are so fat they could be called 'Islands' themselves....
    
    Tell you what...
    
    I'm almost 46 years old, and I'll still run you into the ground in any
    sport or athletic event you choose...  

    
       What do you get when you cross and 'Islander' with a cactus?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
        A huge prick that doesn't come at all.

	If you guys had been this funny in 1776 and 1812 maybe we would not have
had to kick your butts to keep you in line.  Come to think of it a whole bunch
of people have kicked ya'll out since then too.  

	We appreciate the language, though it has taken us a few years to get it
straightened out, so at least those who spoke it could figure it out.  Wasn't
hard once we got rid of that hideous accent. 

	Go back and listen to some young American comedians.  Perhaps then you
can come up with something that is not only truly funny, but hints at having a
brain that thinks as well

;->;-> ;->;->

Mikey  

    
    
    RE: .482  I got a chuckle out of that one, Don.

    
    
    Give me a hug you big galoot.

    That bollox that has been emanating from the node's 'KIRKTN' and
    'KURMA', happens to be a contribution by the Scottish contingent.
    Therefore, all jokes about POMEs and the English will have had 0
    effect.
     

> Note 58.475                           JOKES                      475 of 494
> BIGQ::MARCHAND                                   5 lines  23-JUN-1995 11:00
    
    >   How does the British keep their s##t together?
            ^^^^
            ||||
    
    Seems to me, you should get your own together before trying to make a
    poor attempt at insulting people !!!!!

    hey, do think by now all Brits are related? it would explain a
    lot if the gene pool had been diluted over all these hundreds of
    years. :-)
    
    Chip

Oh yeah, 60 million people, pretty small gene pool that is.  I assume that
was the jist of your note anyway, I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

Chris.

The following is in poor taste...


It's not filthy, but if you are easily offended read no farther


you've been warned


What is Mickey Mantle's favorite inning?


The bottom of the fifth

    
    
    1st guy: Hey! Have you ever seen any Polacks on the Jetsons?
    
    2nd guy: Nope!!
    
    
    
     1st guy: Future looks pretty bright doesn't it???
    

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster wakes up in the morning and clucks defiance.

     8^>

 .500  that's an old one.

Uh-oh, it's the joke police.

 .505  well, it was in .498, so not much flat-footing was involved.

Eep.  And I thought I'd read it in a newsgroup.  That's what comes of having
these newfangled multiple windows.  I'll delete it and hang my head in shame.

Left or right?

    My pre-emptive apologies to any bikers out there...

    What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

    

    You can't fit two dirtbags on a Hoover.

    -b

re .509:

See .75.

    So that was the joke in .75

    What a shame, I thought it was pretty good.

    Dan

    
    <- yeah? so .75 wussed out and deleted the joke... so what?
       It's no more offensive than anything else one might
       find in this conference, and this _is_ the joke topic,
       right?
    
    -b

  thank you, lieutenant sacks.

Case closed.

    > <- yeah? so .75 wussed out and deleted the joke... so what?
    >    It's no more offensive than anything else one might
    >    find in this conference, and this _is_ the joke topic,
    >    right?
    
    I ment that it was a shame I had to wait until now to find out what
    that joke had been.  I thought it was good.
    
    Dan

    
    Yeah, but I was answering Gerald. But gosh, thanks anyway.
    I feel much better now that you've explained it further... :-)
    
    -b

I wasn't suggesting that it was offensive, just pointing out that it had
been posted before.  So didja hear the one about Mickey Mantle?

    I was out playing golf on the weekend and we were being held up by a
    couple of lady golfers who had hit their balls into the rough.
    so I decided to go and give them a hand to find it.
    when I was closer I realized it was my wife and my girlfriend so I went
    back and explained the situation to another golfer waiting to tee off
    and he said he would go over and help them search.    
    he was back in about five seconds flat and said 
    
    Geez it's a small world isn't it.
     
    
    

:^)

Could be an oldie, but I hadn't heard it before.

    I'm old enough to remember watching the first moon landing.  Even watched
    and listened to Neil Armstrong make the walk, but I don't remember the
    following quote attributed to him.  If the following a spoof, or for
    real?
    
    -- Jim
    ---------------------
 It seems when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, he
 not only gave his famous "One Step for Man", etc.
 statement, but followed it by several remarks.  It
 ended with "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."  Over the years
 many people have questioned him as to what the "Mr.
 Gorsky" statement meant.

 Two weeks ago, while answering questions following
 a speech, he finally responded, since Mr. Gorsky had
 finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer.

 When he was a kid, he was playing ball.  His brother
 hit a fly which landed in front of the Gorsky's bedroom
 window.  As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs.
 Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky -

 "Oral sex!  Oral sex you want?  You'll get oral
 sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

    That's very interesting... :-)  I don't remember Armstrong making
    any such remark (I thought he followed up the "one giant leap"
    statement with a boring dissertation on the nature of the lunar
    soil that he was kicking around with the toe of his boot), but
    it would be consistent with his reported dry, subtle wit.
    
    I've got the moonwalk on audiotape, so I could verify it, but
    unfortunately it's on the ancient, obsolete reel-to-reel tape,
    and I don't have a tape recorder that will play it...
    
    Chris

    use the yellow pages then !!!!

    
    				Hey, wait a minute! This is grass!
    			       / We've been eating grass!
			      /
                          (__)
                          (oo)
                   /-------\/ 
                  / |     ||  
                 *  ||W---||  
     |||||||||||||| ~~ || ~~||||||||||||||||
    
						Larson

 I've got that one hanging on my wall ;-)

  .523 ;>  i have that one in my office.  

 boing

Mus' be a DAS thang.

 Yup, I think that's it, Jack.




 Jim

A ten year old kid attended a birthday party at his apartment building. His
mom sent him off and everything would be great. Not so. The kid came back
to his apartment in five minutes. When he got home, he sought out his older
brother and asked him in privacy, "Hey Billy, what's oral sex?"
"Well, Dave. Oral sex is the opposite of written sex, if you read about it,
its written sex. If you talk about it, it's oral sex."
  Soon after, the younger dude approached his mom in dissapointment. She asked
him what was the matter. He said, "The party was so damn boring, everyone was
just sitting around having oral sex!"

A man from Peoria has to make his first business trip, to Boston.
So he gets off the airplane in Boston, collects his luggage, grabs
a cab. He tells the cabbie to take him to his hotel.

While on the way to the hotel he asks the cabbie "Where in Boston
is the best place to get scrod?"

The cabbie thinks for a moment and responds, "Well sir, I've heard
it said many ways, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

The real meaning of True Love:

Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: [email protected] (The Old Bear)
Subject: But it's natural and organic...
 
True story (original)...
 
I once oversaw the management of a small downtown office building in 
Phoenix which was leased in part to a major regional bank.  The bank kept 
complaining of scorpions in the building.  Desert scorpions are small
critters with a nasty sting, much like a bee sting.  And, the bank's
secretaries would sit on the floor to go through bottom file drawers and 
sometimes would get stung on the behind.  
 
So the building manager called the pest control company and they sprayed
the building.  Still got complaints.  Sprayed again.  Still complaints.
 
Clearly another strategy was needed.  The pest control contractor 
pointed out that scorpions are unusual in downtown Phoenix and there were 
no complaints from other tenants on other floors of the building.  He and
the building manager concluded that the bank itself was bringing the 
scorpions into the building from their record center warehouse out in the 
desert.  They alerted the bank to this source of the problem, but the bank 
refused to take any counter measures and continued to complain that it 
was a building problem.
 
After several more sprayings, we started to get concerned about the 
risks of putting more insecticide into the building.  Our pest control 
contractor was adamant that sprayings would do no good if scorpions
kept being reintroduced into the building with each delivery to the
bank from its records warehouse.  So I asked the pest control contractor
and the building manager to look into the possiblity of environmentally
safer biological controls such as natural enemies of the scorpion.
 
A few days later I received a copy of a memorandum from the building 
manager to the bank facilities department.  He had also posted a copy 
of this memo on the bank employees' bulletin board:
 
   "Building management recognizes recent employee complaints 
   of scorpions in the bank's records management areas.  We have 
   attempted to use pesticides but fear that increasing the level 
   of pesticide could pose a health risk for some employees.  
 
   "Because scorpions are native to our desert country and appear to
   be entering the building in the storage boxes delivered from 
   the bank's desert warehouse, we have researched safer natural 
   biological controls such as those which keep scorpions in check in 
   their desert environment.  We have found that scorpions have only 
   one natural enemy.
 
   "Should there be any further complaints from the bank or its
   employees on this matter, building management will be pleased to 
   introduce rattlesnakes into the records management areas."
 
We had no more complaints.

    	
    Subj:  Joke-of-the-day
    
    A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of
    Democrats came flying by.  They were going too fast for the curve and
    turned over in the ditch.  Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the
    farmer if he had seen the car.  "Yep," replied the farmer.  "Where are
    they?" asked the sheriff.  "Over there," replied the farmer, pointing to
    the ditch filled with fresh dirt.  "You buried them?"  asked the
    sherriff.  "Were they dead?"  Replied the farmer, "Well, they SAID they 
    were still alive, but you know how Democrats lie."
    
                                                                      

    <-------

    Thanks Ms Deb, I NEEDED that one today !

    :-)
    Dan

    
    
    i still don't get the one about oral sex at a kid's birthday party...
    
    

    <-------
    ooohhhhh..........ooohhhhhh, I'll need stitches in my tongue form
    biting so hard.  =;^o

    We could discuss this at length.

    Let's not!
    Thank You Very Much
    
    :-)
    Dan

    I'll have to think long and hard about that.

huhuh huh huh huhuhuhuh you said `long and hard' huhuh huhuh huh etc

Chris.

    
    
    well, i got an explanation...and i still don't think it is funny as you
    have to assume things in the joke...
    
    

Bob Packwood's in a lot of trouble these days.  But lucky for him, he has
a couple really good lawyers who think they can get the charges reduced to
"impersonating a Kennedy."

    Obviously not as lucky as Jack though. Now there's a lucky man.

    Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates (no relation).  Saint
    Peter meets him there and says, "Well, you've led an... interesting
    life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, we're not quite sure which place to
    send you.  So we're going to let you decide."
 
    Gates swallows nervously and says, "okay".  St. Peter snaps his fingers
    and they are instantly transported to a sunny beach.  There's beer and
    rock music and topless women playing volleyball.  Gates says, "Hey, is
    this heaven?"  It's GREAT!" 
    
    St. Peter says,"No, this is Hell.  Let me show you what Heaven is
    like." He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to
    a serene city park.  There's a soft breeze and birds are chirping and
    old people are sitting on benches feeding pidgins and playing chess. 
    
    Gates says,"Well, this is... nice.  But, given a choice, I guess I'll
    take Hell."
 
    St. Peter says,"You got it," and snaps his fingers.  Gates is instantly
    imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off in unspeakable
    agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter and the screams of
    the damned. He looks up and shouts,"Hey, it wasn't like this!  Where's
    the beach? Where's the babes?" 
    
    Saint Peter looks down from his Macintosh and says, "Sorry, Bill. That
    was the demo."
    

    From a QAR response:
    
        Your suggestion that we enumerate all the known languages that dbx
        does not support is a good one; however, we have become completely
        bogged down in deciding whether to include Nahuatl, Sanskrit, and
        Old Norse among them and whether to list Egyptian hieroglyphics
        separately from demotic script.  In order to avoid having to form a
        major task force that would probably take until after the
        millennium to reach consensus, we've masterfully decided instead to
        enumerate the known languages that dbx DOES support, and place that
        list in the Description section.

    Gotta be a classic.
    

        [Author unknown (to me, at least)]
 ===================================================================
 
  A line  of Russian soldiers stands in front of a huge
  rectangular hole in the ground.
  Sergeant commands:- "Private Ivanov!"
                   -  "Yes, sir."
                   -  "Stand like this:"
 
                            O
                           _|______
                          | |
                          | |
                          | |
                           | |
                           | |
                           | |
                           | |
                    -"Jump!!"

         
  The soldier jumps  into  the  hole.
  The sergeant  commands again:
                       -  "Private  Pyetrov!!"
                       -  "Yes, sir!"
                       -  "Stand like this:"
 
                         |
                         |  O
                         \ -|-|
                            | |
                            | |
                            \-\
                             | |
                             | |
                             | |
                         -" Yes, sir!"
                         -" Jump!"

         
    The soldier jumps and falls into the  hole.
    The sergeant commands  again:
                          -" Private Sidorov!!"
                          -" Yes, sir!"
                          _" Stand  like  this:"
 
                               O
                             |-|-|
                             | | |
                             | | |
                             | | |
                              | |
                              | |
                              | |
                              | |
                            -"  Yes,  sir!"
 
 
       At  this point a car with a colonel arrives to  that
       place.  Colonel, very angry, comes up to the sergant
       and tells him: "Comrade sergeant, how many times do
       I have to tell  you:"
    
    
     STOP PLAYING TETRIS WITH THE SOLDIERS!!!!!!!!!"
    

from alt.humor.puns:

   A butcher got along great with everyone in the neighborhood except
a mysterious swami. They hated each other! One evening, the swami's
pregnant wife had intense cravings for liver, and the swami had to go
into his enemy's shop. "Give me a pound of liver," he said to the
butcher's clerk. The butcher whispered to the clerk from the back of
the shop, "Here's our chance to screw that no-good bum." Pointing to
the clerk's thumb, he said,



           Weigh down upon the swami's liver!!!

also from alt.humor.puns (though it's not a pun):

This is also true, when my father, a postal worker, was delivering a first
class letter that needed to be signed for. He rang the doorbell and a
woman from behind the door answered, "Who is it?"  My father replied,
"Mailman". A second or two passed and the door opened. Standing before my
father was a totally nude woman. She looked at my father, screamed,
slammed the door, and said, "Oh my God! I thought you said Milkman."

    An oldie but goody;
    
    WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG
    
    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy".  I call mine Sex.
    Sex has been embarrassing to me.  When I went to City Hall to renew
    his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex;
    he said he would like one too.
    
    Then I said, "But this is a dog."  He said he didn't care what she
    looked like.  Then I said, "You don't understand.  I have had Sex since
    I was 9 years old."  He said I must have been quite a kid.
    
    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.  I
    told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special
    room for Sex.
    
    He said that every room in the place was for sex.  I said, "You don't
    understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said, "Me too."
    
    One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
    the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there
    looking around.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. 
    He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.  "But you don't
    understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."  He called me a
    show-off.
    
    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
    the dog.
    
    I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."  The judge said,
    "Me too."  Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me.  He
    said "Me too."
    
    Last night Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around town for
    him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this
    alley at 4:00 in the morning."  I said, "I am looking for Sex."  My
    case comes up on Friday.
    

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: [email protected] (Jeffrey Kaplan)
Subject: Irish Baseball
 
This was told to me recently by an Irish friend.  Read it with
an Irish accent.
 
---------------------
 
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday.  Now,
never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now
would be a good time.  So, he goes to the park, and gets
himself a bleacher seat.
 
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his
hand.  The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at
the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and
starts running down the side.  Everyone around Paddy stands up
and shouts "RUN!  RUN LIKE HELL!"
 
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on
that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again.  And again, the
guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the
side.  And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and
shouts "RUN!  RUN LIKE HELL!"
 
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his
hands.  This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the
ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything.  And the guy
squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to
the guy on the hump of dirt.  And Paddy is thinking to himself,
"What's happening?  Why didn't he hit the ball?"  This happens
three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.
 
After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick
and strolls up the side.  Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN!
RUN LIKE HELL!"  and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he
doesn't have to run.  So Paddy asks him why, and is told that
the batter has four balls.
 
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN!  WALK WITH
PRIDE!"

This Paddy fella gets around...


He went to confession the other day. 

"Forgive me, Father," he said, "for I have sinned."

"Tell me, Paddy, what have you done," said the priest.

"I have used the Lord's name in vain, Father."

"What happened, Paddy, what happened?"

"I was playing in the club championship - you know how much I've wanted to 
win that thing, Father!"

"I know. You've come close a few times, too."

"I made it to the final match this time, and we're all square going into the 
last hole. My opponent tops his drive, so this is my chance! You know the 
18th at Hillcrest, the woods and out-of-bounds on the right?"

"Sure," said the priest. "I parred it last Wednesday!"

"Well, I hit the worst push-slice of my life! So far right it's almost a
shank!" 

"Ah," said the priest with knowing compassion. "So you lost your temper and 
befouled the lord's name? Paddy, it's understandable, but -"

"No! No, father! I kept my cool. God was with me, for sure, because the 
ball hit a tree and was knocked back in-bounds. Still in the woods, but in 
play! In fact, when I got to the ball, I saw I had an opening to the 
fairway. A narrow opening, but it was something. So I took a 5-iron an' 
punched it low. Boy, I hit it sweet. I was sure I'd be up there close to 
the green, but it hit a limb just before it got out of the woods and came 
down right behind tree!"

"That's a stroke of terrible luck, Paddy, but you must not let bad luck 
shake your faith and your duty to respect the Lord and His name - "

"But Father, I didn't swear then! I really didn't. Even though I had a 
tough shot left, I figured if I could fade it low, around the tree, I 
could get it on or near the green."

"Good for you, Paddy! You showed  admirable restraint. So what happened?"

"Father I hit the shot of my life. It bent perfectly around that tree, 
landed in front of the green, and rolled up to about two feet from the 
hole!"

"Jeezus, Paddy, don't tell me you missed the G-ddam*ed putt!"

    
    
    
    How can you tell the differnce between a rectal thermometer and an oral
    thermometer?
    
    
    
    
    The taste!
    

    What does an 80 year old women taste like?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    depends!

    
  As I waited for my luggage at Atlanta's international airport,I noticed
a government agent with a dog sniffing for illegal drugs among the crowd
of arriving passengers. A woman next to me also saw the animal at work and
noted that it was of mixed breed with long shaggy fur. "I thought those 
police dogs were supposed to be German sheperds," she said.
  Overhearing her comment,the agent replied, "He is, but he's working un-
dercover."       -B.N.Henderson
    

Sounds like Reader's Digest material.

    
    
    Another muupet guy?  

    Beverly?

 We're all over the place..

The "We Were Poor" Sketch from "Monty Python Live at City Center" and "Monty 
Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl"                        
 
Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort.  "Farewell
to Thee" being played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.
 
Michael Palin:  Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.
Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine,
                ay Gessiah?
Terry Gilliam:  You're right there Obediah.
Eric Idle:      Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin'
                here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?
MP: Aye.  In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup
    o' tea.
GC: A cup ' COLD tea.
EI: Without milk or sugar.
TG: OR tea!
MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.
EI: We never used to have a cup.  We used to have to drink out of a
    rolled up newspaper.
GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
MP: Aye.  BECAUSE we were poor.  My old Dad used to say to me, "Money
    doesn't buy you happiness."
EI: 'E was right.  I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'.  We used to
    live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.
GC: House?  You were lucky to have a HOUSE!  We used to live in one
    room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture.  Half the
    floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for
    fear of FALLING!
TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM!  *We* used to have to live in a
    corridor!
MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor!  Woulda' been a
    palace to us.  We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish
    tip.  We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting
    fish dumped all over us!  House!?  Hmph.
EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered
    by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.
GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and
    live in a lake!
TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE!  There were a hundred and sixty
    of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
MP: Cardboard box?
TG: Aye.
MP: You were lucky.  We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in
    a septic tank.  We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the
    morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down
    mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out.  When we got home,
    out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
GC: Luxury.  We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in
    the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to
    work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad
    would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we
    were LUCKY!
TG: Well we had it tough.  We used to have to get up out of the shoebox
    at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues.
    We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four
    hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we
    got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.
EI: Right.  I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night,
    half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump
    of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill
    owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home,
    our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves
    singing "Hallelujah."
MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't
    believe ya'.
ALL: Nope, nope..

The Penguin on top of the Tellyvision set and The Death of Mary, Queen of 
Scots from Monty Python's Flying Circus                         
 
(voice over)  Number ninety-seven: a radio.
 
Radio Announcer:  And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama
                  series, "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots."
                  Part One: The Beginning.
 
(music)
 
Man's voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?
Woman's voice: I am!
(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching
noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted.  All of
this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)
 
(music fades up and out)
 
Announcer:  Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of "The Death
            of Mary, Queen of Scots", coming up...almost immediately.
(music)
(sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman
 screaming.  Suddenly it is silent.)
 
Man's voice: I think she's dead.
Woman's voice: No I'm not!
(sounds of physical harm and screaming start again.)
 
(music fades up and out)
Announcer:  that was episode two of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots",
            specially adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier.  And
            now, Radio Four will explode.
(music)
 
The radio explodes.
 
Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it
explodes.  One looks at the other:
 
1: We'll have to watch the Telly-vision!
2: Aaaaw.   (sound of agreement)
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television.  One turns the television
 on, and they sit down.  There is a small penguin sitting on top of the
 television set.)
 
1 & 2: (singing, mumbled)  hhmhmhmhmh... mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh
1: What's that on top of the telly-vision set?
(pause)
2: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.
(pause)
2: It's been a long time there, now, has it?
1: What's it doin' there?
2: Standin'!
1: I can see that!
(pause)
1: If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly-vision set.
2: Ummmm.  I hadn't thought of that.
1: Unless it's a male.
2: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
(pause)
1: Per'aps it's from next door.
2: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come
   from the Antarctic!
1: (yet louder) BURMA!!!
(they both stop short, looking around)
2: Why'd'j say that?
1: I panicked.
2: Oh.
1: Per'aps it's from the zoo.
2: Which zoo?
1: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo it's from?!? I'm not Doctor bloody
   Bernofsky!!
2: 'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?
1: He knows everything.
2: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.
(pause)
2: Besides, if it were from the zoo, it'd have "property of the zoo"
   stamped on it.
1: They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo"!! You can't stamp a
   huge lion "property of the zoo"!!
2: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.
1: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?
2: Lions don't moult.
1: No, but penguins do.  THERE!  I've run rings around you logically.
2: (looks at the camera) OOOOH!  INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!
 
(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)
 
Man:  Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the
      penguin on top of your television set to explode.
 
(the penguin explodes)
 
1:   'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!
Man: It was an educated guess.  And now:
 
Voice over:  Number ninety-eight: the nape of the neck.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Win95 vs Jesus Christ
From: [email protected] (Wayne Davison)
 
 
[I got this from my brother who got it from somebody at work.]
 
If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of
publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the
Saviour of the Computer Industry.  If you have less than half a
brain, you probably believe it.  Could it be?
 
Let's compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus
of Nazareth:
 
        Jesus                                   Windows 95
--------------------------------------+--------------------------
Said, "Surely I come quickly."        |  Has been promised "any day
                                         now."
 
 
Is taking a lot longer to actually    |  Is taking a lot longer to
arrive                                   actually arrive.
 
Can walk on water.                    |  Can crawl on a 486.
 
Sits in judgement at the pearly gates.|  Will be used to judge Bill
                                         Gates.
 
Bible says, "In Him, all things are   |  Windows 95 doesn't even
possible."                               run all possible Windows
                                         apps.
 
Started life as a carpenter.          |  Turns perfectly good
                                         computers into furniture.
 
Born in a manger.                     |  Resembles something found
                                         in a barn.
 
Remembered for protecting the weak.   |  Has weak memory
                                         protection.
 
Was raised from the dead.             |  Was created from Windows
                                         3.1.
 
Jesus performed great works for       |  Windows 95 multitasking
the multitudes                           performance barely works.
 
 
Jesus has no sin.                     |  Windows 95 has no shame.
 
--------------------------------------+--------------------------
            
You decide.

    
    <---- BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Well done. 

    In response to 42.1624...
    
    Scene:  Man and a woman out on a date.
    
    Man: (whining)
    
    Woman: What is it?
    
    Man: My hands are cold!
    
    Woman: Here, let me warm them up for you!
    	   (Woman places man's hands between her thighs, squeezes tight)
           That better?
    
    Man: Thanks! Much better! My hands really are warmer!
    
    (Time passes)
    
    Man: (whining)
    
    Woman: What's wrong now?
    
    
    Man: My ears are cold!

    
      Yeah oh dear... Couldn't he suffocate?

    I always carry a snorkel, myself.

    
    <-------
    
    It should... especially if he doesn't shave!!!
    

    
    Beards are very soft once they've grown in.  It's the 5 o'clock shadow
    that causes, er, problems.
    
    

    > <<< Note 58.571 by POWDML::LAUER
    >"LittleChamberPrepositionalPunishment" >>>
    
        
    >    Beards are very soft once they've grown in. 
    
    
Nothing worse than an in-grown beard.

    .571
    
    Does this mean she has to bite herself?
    
    (Beard grown >in<?)

    Haven't seen this in here, allegedly a true story:
    
    
> I hate to admit it, but this happened to me way back in 1980 --
> 
> A few years after graduating from college, I returned to my folk's home to
> retrieve a considerable number of storage boxes that I had left with them.
> These boxes were filled with books, course notes, old homework projects,
> etc. that I had kept.  I decided to weed through them and eliminate as much
> junk as I could.
> 
> Not having the heart to dump all that hard work into the garbage, I decided
> to grab a six-pack, settle down in front of the downstairs fire place and
> ceremonially burn four years worth of college memorabilia. I managed to get
> through about five of the 15 or so boxes piled around me when I realized I
> could not possibly sort through each box page-by-page. In the interest of
> time, I decided to do a cursory scan of the contents to determine if
> anything 'jumped out' as worth saving. Well, box number six appeared to be
> loaded with Psychology and Logic 101 junk so I took the short cut and
> tossed the whole box on the funeral pyre before me.
> 
> I popped open beer number four and watched the box smolder.  Raising the
> can, I gave one last salute to those two unmemorable courses as the box
> erupted into a roaring inferno.
> 
> The papers were consumed rapidly.
> 
> So were the ancient contents of the dresser drawer that I had hastily
> dropped into the bottom of that box when packing two years earlier. Dang, I
> had forgotten all about that stuff.   The toothbrush and hairbrush went up
> rather well... also that packet of disposable plastic razors, dental floss
> and contact lense case and a bunch of junk I don't even remember. Of course,
> I didn't even know that stuff was going up in smoke as I sat there.  Just
> chugged the beer and watched. It burned great... right down to that full
> can of deodorant that was in there with it all.
> 
> I had gotten about half the beer down when that deodorant can finally
> decided it had had enough.  What happened next I can only compare to the
> scene from "2001" where that Dave Bowman guy is falling through all those
> lights with that 'o shit' look on his face.  I heard a BOOM so loud that my
> brain only registered it as a high-pitched squeal.  The contents of the
> fireplace right down to the last ash were propelled out with such velocity
> that all I could see were a multitude of bright streaks emanating from a
> point about three feet in front of me (ala 2001).  Big blue shock wave
> knocked me back.  Spill the beer?  You bet.
>  Caught me off guard? He-- yes.  Felt like I jumped on a live grenade?
> Guess so.  One second I was watching that inferno burn from the outside,
> the next second I was watching it from the inside.
> 
> The human brain reverts to 'primordial slime' mode when thrown into a
> situation like this. All higher-order functions vaporize.  Guess it's all
> those endorphines and endomorphines hitting it at once.  It took a couple
> of seconds to get the 'reasoning' capability of my brain back online.  I
> jumped up, looked at my hands and feet, touched my face and realized that I
> was indeed intact.  Holy Cow, I was completely untouched.  Not even a soot
> mark on me.  Although I might possibly qualify as a human cannon ball,
> there would be no Richard Pryor imitation tonight, folks.
> 
> I looked through the thick smoke toward the fireplace.  What WAS a 6-inch
> deep accumulation of one winter's ashes was now squeaky clean. Blasted it
> right out.  All those burning embers were now sitting on the deep-pile
> carpet behind me.  ALL over the room.  I grabbed the little shovel from the
> fireplace set and scooped as fast as I could.  As soon as I filled the
> shovel, I'd run to the fireplace, empty it and run back.  Some embers were
> 30 feet down the hall.  I guess I set the Guiness World Record for "Hot
> ember pickup with a little shovel" in those next few minutes. I did manage
> to avoid setting my folks house on fire, and the carpet only had one or two
> real serious melted spots on it.  I DID find the deodorant can too -- it
> had left the fireplace at some ungodly serious velocity, hit the wall at
> the far end of the room and come to rest directly behind where I was
> sitting.  Dang thing was split wide open along the weld and peeled back
> almost flat.  Burned black, too.  Looked like re-entry junk.
> 
> After I got the Fire Marshal Bill stuff under control, I grabbed beer
> number five, popped the top and thought about how I was gonna get the
> remaining mess cleaned up.  Close examination revealed that everything was
> coated with a heavy layer of ash.  Heck, a vacuum cleaner will get this
> stuff up no problem.
> 
> Gee, how lucky could I be?  I didn't get decapitated, the house is still on
> its foundation, I got a GREAT story for the grandkids and the cleanup is
> gonna be a cinch. I grabbed my mom's upright out of the closet and started
> to work.
> 
> Ever have one of those split-seconds of consciousness when you realize you
> survived something really bad but you sense that it's not quite over yet?
> Well, I never have, but I wish I had felt that way at this point. Would
> have clued me in as to what was about to happen.
> 
> There I was, sucking up ashes with an upright vacuum.  Too bad not all of
> them were cold.  That upright vacuum swallowed ONE LITTLE ITTY BITTY HOT
> EMBER that was sitting there on the carpet.  It flew right up inside it and
> sat on that big ol' pile of carpet lint way up in that bag.  Heck, that bag
> hadn't been emptied in a long time. And all that air rushing in there made
> that little bitty hot ember REAL happy.  Next thing I know, the side of
> that vacuum is glowing red hot.  By the time I figured out what was
> happening, there was a two foot flame blowing out a hole in the side.  It
> really looked and sounded sorta pretty, like a fighter jet on full
> afterburner.  Diamond shock pattern and all.
> 
> Again, my brain reverted to primordial slime mode.  All higher-order
> functions ceased and all I remember thinking was "T-h-r-o-w v-a-c-u-u-m".
> 
> I pitched it as hard as I could towards the open basement door, hoping it
> would make it to the patio outside.  The distance was about 20 feet.
>  In slowmotion it looked like one of those old NASA films where the rocket
> goes psycho right off the launch pad.  There it was, sailing brush end
> first with a nice slow roll...fire belching out the side.  As the unbilical
> pulled out of the wall, the flame settled into a long trail of sparks.
> The vehicle had plenty of initial velocity and it looked like a good
> downrange trajectory... right up to the point it passed through the plate
> glass window to the right side of the door.
> 
> Yep, I swear this happened as written.
> 
> 

 See what happens when you drink?

"Dear," said the wife, "what would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.  "Why do you
ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the pictures of me
and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose you'd let
her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She is left-handed."

    What does a redneck say just before he dies?
    
    Hey Bubba, watch this!

	he dies

    .578
    This redneck not only got it, but found it funny.

    
    Dat makes two o' us Bubba...
    
    :-)
    Dan

  There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple
  of very important executives on board.  He was coming into Seattle airport
  through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments 
  went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark.  After an 
  hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are 
  getting very nervous.  Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he
  sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot
  banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey,
  where am I?"  To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a
  plane."  The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and
  proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5
  miles away.  Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has
  run out.
  
  The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.  "Simple," replies the
  pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question.  The answer he
  gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must
  be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five
  miles away."

    >tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor
     ^^^^^^^^^^^^^                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^
    
    ?????