Conference thebay::joyoflex

    From The Rubiat ofOmar Khyam (sp??)
    
    The moving finger writes...(and having writ moves on)
     (easier with a pen)
    
    From Nursery-land..
    
    Mary had a little lamb...
    
    
    the butcher shot it dead,
    Now she takes that lamb to school
    between two bits of bread.
    
    
    
    
    From Spike Milligan :-
    
    I must go down to the sea again,
    To the lonely sea and the sky.
    I left my bathers on the beach there,
    I wonder if they're dry.
    
    From Nursery-land again...
    
    
    The Grand Old Duke of York,
    He had ten thousand men.....
    
    His case comes up next week.
                                
    
    djw

    
    Mike Spilligan again
    
    Said baby tern to mother tern ,
    "Can I have a brother ?" .
    Said mother tern to baby tern ,
    "One good tern deserves another"
                     
    John J
    

    Old King Cole was a merry old soul
    and a merry old soul was he
    he called for his pipe and he called for his bowl...
       (Well, I guess we all *know* about Old King Cole...)
    
    

    Jack and Jill went up the hill.
    They each had a buck and a quarter.
    Back came Jill with two and a half.
    They didn't go after water!!!

    Little Boy Blue, 
    Come blow up your horn,
    The sheep's in the Meadow,
    The Cow's in the corn.
    Where is that little boy?
    
    Fast asleep...
    
    Under the haystack with little Bo Peep
    
    
    Georgy Porgy ,
    Puddin' and Pie,
    Kissed the girls and made them cry.
    And when the boys came out to play..
    
    
    he kissed them as well - he was funny that way.
    
                                        
    Hello young Lovers
    
    You're under arrest!
    
    
    Djw

    How embarressing!!!
    
    The Keats quote should read
    
    And should thy mistress some *rich* anger show
    
    .0
    
    Just so you know i'm not really an illiterate klutz!!!!
    
    (I heard that!)
    
    -Alison-

    There are various (schoolboy) versions of this nursery rhyme, e.g.
    
    Mary had a little lamb
    The doctor had a fit.
    
    Mary had a little lamb
    She also had a duck
    She put them on the mantlepiece
    To see if they would fall off

     
    
    Mary had a little sheep,
    And with that sheep, she went to sleep.
    The sheep turned out to be a ram.
    And Mary had a little lamb.
    

    Mary had a little lamb,
    She also had a bear.
    While I've often seen Mary's lamb,
    I've never seen her {bear, bare}.
                         ^= hard to indicate homonyms on a tube :-)

       
    
    
    
    
    Mary had a little lamb,
    the doctor was surprised -
    
    but when Mcdonald had a farm
    he could not believe his eyes.
    
    Mary had a little lamb,
    her father shot the shepherd.
    
    Mary had a little lamb,
    it was full of fun and frolicks
    she used to throw it in the air,
    and catch it by its back legs.
    
    
    Mary had a little lamb
    It had a sooty foot
    and everywhere that Mary went,
    its sooty foot 'e put.
     
    and from her cousin
    
    Mary,Mary  quite contrary,
    How does your garden grow?
    None of your business.
    
    Little miss muffet sat on a tuffet
    Eating her curds and whey.
    Along came a spider that sat down beside her
    so she ate that as well
    
    Little Jack Horner,
    sat in a corner,
    eating some Christmas pie.
    He put in his thumb, pulled out a plum
    and the juice squirted into his eye.
    
    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    Jill knew what he was after
    but she went..
    
    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    There was no-one in the vicinity.
    Jack came down , minus half a crown (dates me eh!)
    and Jill, her velvet scarf.
    
    Sing a song of sixpence,
    A pocket full of rye
    Four and twenty boozers getting really high
    When the do was over, and one by one crawled home
    It wasn't such a dainty bash that Joe got on the dome.
    
    That'll do me
    
    djw

    Re. .1
    
    The Spike Milligan quote should be:
    
    I must go down to the sea again,
    To the lonely sea and the sky.
    I left my vest and pants there,   <===
    I wonder if they're dry.

    Nick - a well known Milligan fan!

    G'day,
    
    I'll stand corrected , head bowed in contrition, looking up to a
    new hero :-)
    
    Anyone who is a fan of Spikes is a friend of mine! PS I live only
    40 miles from his mum! 
    
    djw
    

    
    When Mary had a little lamb,
    the Doctor almost cried,but
    when Ol McDonald had a farm
    the doctor almost died
    

    
    Mary had a little lamb ,
    she took it to a hunt .
    The little lamb got in the way .
    What a silly place to stand .
    
    Anon
    

    Whose woods these are, I think I know,
    His house is in the village, though.
    He will not see me stopping here,
    To write my name in yellow snow.

    Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
    collecting her shell-shocked wits
    along came a glider, dropped an H-bomb beside her
    and frightened Miss Muffet to bits!
    
    

    
    A panther is like a leopard,
      except it hasn't been peppered.
    Should you behold a panther crouch,
      prepare to say ouch.
    Better yet, if called by a panther,
      don't anther.
    
    

     
    Once upon a midnight dreary
    
      while I pandered weak and weary
    
    over many a curious disco-bondage linkage apparatus
    
      I secured release.
    
    

    G'day,
    
    Yes .17 was I suppose a _bit_ much. Its gone, and I am happy that
    it is,really. Anyway, the rest was ok, I guess, so that is back below.
    Ok?
    
    
    
    In 1958 (how well do I remember _that_ year 8-} ) there was published
    , in the UK, a book entitled 'The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren'.
    It was the result of a good few years of study and visits to
    playgrounds. I would say it was the most comprehensive study ever
    made and has not been bettered, to my knowledge, anyway. It used
    to be in Reading library and makes for _fascinating_ reading.
    
    Recommended.                           
    
    Here are a couple of gems(?) (from memory)
    
    Mary is a good girl,
    She goes to church on Sundays,
    She prays to the Lord to give her strength
    To chase the boys on Mondays.
       
   
    It's raining, it's pouring,
    The old man is snoring,
    he went to bed 'cos he bumped his head
    and now he can't get up in the morning.
             
    
    
    What's the time
    Half past nine,
    hang your britches on the line
    when the dustmen come along
    hurry up and put them on.
    
    Derek
    

    G'day  - What again, I hear you scream!
    
    Oh for a home,
    Where the buffaloes roam,
    Where the deer and the antelope play,
    Where seldom is heard-
     a discouraging word; 
    For what can a deer or an antelope say?
                         
    Djw
    
    

    Re: .22
    
    Well, I guess I over-reacted.  I know nothing untoward was intended.
    I should have said something like - someone might read it, take
    offence, report to management, and bingo! no more JOYOFLEX.  I think
    we need to be pretty careful in the light of what has happened to
    other notes files in the recent past.
    
    Jeff.

>    we need to be pretty careful in the light of what has happened to
>    other notes files in the recent past.
    
	What *has* happened to which other notes files in the recent past?

    Re: .23
    
    Deer and antelope don't have much to say, but boy, you should hear
    those buffalo swear!
    
    --bonnie, former Montanan
    

    Re: .25  JOKES was one, and SOAPBOX came pretty close.  Then, of
    course, there was the famous SEXCETERA, but nobody read that (did
    they?).
    
    Jeff.

RE .22

    'The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren' is a wonderful book.
    My favorite (or should I say "favourite"?) bit is the following
    (from when Davy Crockett was the rage).

	How many ears does Davy Crockett have?

	Three -- a left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear.

    Remember ?
    
    The Yellow rose of Texas ,
    The man from Laramee,
    Invited Davy Crocket to have a cup of tea.
    He said it was delicious,
    so he had another cup
    Then poor old Davy Crockett
    Had to do the washing up..
    
    djw
    
    

    I believe this was also one of his...tho I'm not quite sure
    
    one-l lama, he's a priest
    two-l llama, he's a beast
    and I'll bet you a silk pajama
    there isn't any "three-l lllama"!
    
    (however, shortly after publishing this, he was apprised of the
    fact that there are fires which match the description in the last
    line!)
    
    tee hee
    
    -Jody
    

    
     Mary had a little lamb
     a little pork
     a little jam
     a little roast
     a little spam
     O how sick our poor Mary is
    
    Home, Home on the range
    Where the deer and the antelope play
    For seldom is heard a discouragin' word
    For what can a buffalo say?
    
    Little Willie with a thirst for gore
    Nailed his sister , Neil, to the door
    Mother said with humor quaint,
    "Willie dear, don't scratch the paint."
    
    Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
    Eating her curds and whey
    She threw it away, in a relative way
    And saw it come back the previous day.
    
    Home, Home on the range
    Where the beer and the cantaploupe play
    For seldom is heard a discouragin' word
    And the pies are consumed in a day.
    
    

    Susie took a little drink
    But she shall drink no more
    For what she thought was H2O
    was H2SO4
       (sulfuric acid, or some such)
    
    Also, reference Edward Gorey's book "Amphigorey", and therein find
    "The Gashylcrumb Tinies", which begins "A is for Amy who fell down
    the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears...."
    
    more little willies (my mom had a whole book of 'em when she was
    younger, but these are a few she could remember... 
    
    Little Willie jump and shout
    gouge the baby's eyeballs out
    jump on them and make them pop
    til you daddy makes you stop
    
    Little Willie saw a buzz-saw buzz
    didn't know quite what it was
    now his body's full of knicks
    ain't he cute? he's cut in six...
    
    Willie loved to watch the fire
    Got closer as the flame got higher
    Now whenever it gets chilly
    We just poke up Little Willie
    
        feel free to delete these if I'm getting too tasteless...
    
    -Jody
    

    Little Willie from his mirror
    licked the mercury right off
    thinking in his childish error
    it would cure the whooping cough.
    
    At the funeral his mother
    brightly said to Mrs. Brown
    "'Twas a chilly day for Willie
    when the mercury went down!"
    				anon
    ----------------------------------------
    
    I wish I was a little grub
    with whiskers round my tummy.
    I'd climb into a honey pot
    and make my tummy gummy.
    				anon
----------------------------------------------
    
    The shades of night were falling fast
    and the rain was falling faster
    when through the Alpine village passed
    an Alpine village pastor.
    				A.E.Housman
    -----------------------------------------
    
    despite the sleek shark s far flung grin
    and his pretty dorsal fin
    his heart is hard and black within
    even within a dentist s chair
    he still preserves a sinister air
    a prudent dentist always fills
    himself with gas before he drills
    				archy
    (Actually Don Marquis)

    I am a little hermaphrodite
    Some say this is a sorry plight
    But I'm as happy as can be
    For I can **** myself, you see!

	Little Willie saw dynamite,
	Didn't understand it quite.
	Curiosity never pays --
	It rained Willie several days.

    Little Willie coming home from school,
    Spied a half a dollar at the foot of a mule.
    Stooped down to pick it up, quiet as a mouse,
    Funeral tomorrow at little Willie's house.
    
    This and more 'poetic perversions' are preserved in a collection
    of 'campfire' song lyrics I've been collecting. A small sampling
    can be found in Note 57 of the CACHE::SCOUTING conference.

    Little Mary donned her skates
    Upon thin ice to frisk.
    Wasn't she a silly lass
    Her little *

    Candy is dandy
    but liquor is quicker.

    And...
    
    
    Mary the milkmaid, was milking a cow
    The trouble with Mary was she didn't know how
    Along came the farmer and gave her the sack
    So she turned the cow over
    And poured the milk back!
    
    and my son's favourite from  way back
    
    When I was one, I'd just begun
    When I was two, I was nearly new
    When I was three, I was nearly me
    When I was four, I was barely more
    When I was five, I was just alive
    Now I am six, and as clever as sticks
    Learnin this makes me clever as clever
    So I will stay six for ever and ever  
    
    Gee, 'm a poet and I don't knowit!
    
    djw

    See the little phrases go,
    Watch their funny antics.
    The men who make them wiggle so
    Are teachers of Semantics.
    
    The words go up, the words go round
    And make a great commotion,
    But all that lies behind the sound
    Is hebetude Boeotian.
    
    
    From "The Space Child's Mother Goose" by Frederick Winsor

    re:.39
    
    The full version of your last line, at least as I learned it, is:
    
    Hey, I'm a poet,
    And I didn't even know it,
    But my feet show it,
    They're long fellows.
    
    --- jerry

    re .39
    
    your second poem is by A.A, Milne and ends
    
    and now I am six and clever as clever
    I think I'll stay six for ever and ever
    
    it is from the collection of verses title Now we are Six
    
    More little Willies..Hope none of these are repeats
    
    Willie poisoned father 's tea
    Father died in agoney
    Mother sighed and looked quite vexed
    Really Will, she said what next?
    
    Little Willie shot his sister
    She was gone before we missed her
    Willie's always up to tricks
    Ain't he cute, he's only six
    
    While making toast at the fireside
    nurse fell through the grate and died
    But what makes the whole thing worse
    all the toast was burnt with nurse
    
    Bonnie

    Re: .41  ...and they smell like the Dickens.
    

    reply .38
    
    from high school:
    
    Candy is dandy
    but sex don't rot your teeth.
    

    G'day
                      re .39 and errata correctus   (sounds filthy wonder
    if it means anything)
    
    No wonder I ascribe to the nostalgia of the forties and fifties
    on GBnotes - the old memory is fading    :-(
    
    
    Still I got close eh!
    
    
    Mary had a metal cow,
    she milked it with a spanner.
    Milk came out in shilling tins
    and small ones for a tanner.   
    
    
    There _that_ dates me
                  djw

    From "Dummy Line"
    
    There once was doctor, his name was Beck.
    He fell down a well and broke his neck.
    It served him right for he should have known,
    To tend to the sick and leave the well alone.
    
    There once was a hunterr by the name of O'Hare.
    He got chased by a grizzly bear.
    The people all thought he was out of his mind,
    Running down the street with a bear behind.
    
    There was an old witch by the name of Nan,
    She tried to pass as a good humor man.
    But she couldn't fool the kids - they all stayed at home.
    They would not buy from an ice cream crone.
    
    From "It Ain't Gonna Rain No More"
    
    A golf ball sailing through the air,
    Whizzed by a man a-hummin'
    He heard the caddy holler "fore"
    And he thought three more were comin'.
    
    When boating, never quarrel
    For you'll find without a doubt,
    A boat is not a proper place
    To have a falling out.
    
    I have a gal up in the hills,
    She's awfully shy and meek.
    She undresses in the dark,
    Because the mountains peak.
                               
    Anyone want to contribute more that fit either the 'dummy line'
    or 'rain no more' meter, I be happy to consider immortalizing your
    verse in song :-)

    I've just been remined of this:
    
    Little Willie, full of glee,
    Put radium in Grandma's tea.
    Now he thinks it quite a lark
    To see her shining in the dark.
    

    Willie and the other brats
    Ate up all the Rough-On-Rats
    Father said as Mother cried
    "Don't worry, dear, they'll die outside"...
    
    
    (Rough-On-Rats was a rat poison that made the rats thirsty, thus they'd
    go outside the house to look for a drink and die there, which made it a
    pleasant alternative to rat-traps, where one had to dispose of the
    fuzzy little bodies)
     

    Much milder, from my mother:
    
    I wish I were a little egg
    Way up in a tree
    I wish I were a little egg
    As rotten as could be
    And when someone that I disliked
    Would pass beneath that tree
    I'd take my little rotten self
    And drop myself on he.
    
    
    I wish I were a wittle fish
    I wish I were a bass
    I'd climb up in the rocks and trees
    And slide down on my 
    Hands and knees.
    
    (Seemed hysterical when I was ten...)
    
    --bonnie

    
    I'm glad that I am British .
    I'm glad that I am free .
    But I wish I were a little dog,
    And my Taxman was a tree .
    
    
    John J
    

    from a tune I learned when I was younger, several verses:
    
    Oh I wish I were a little tiny fish
    Oh I wish I were a little tiny fish
    I'd go swimming in the nudie
    Without any bathing-suitie
    Oh I wish I were a little tiny fish
    
    Oh I wish I were a little bar of soap
    Oh I wish I were a little bar of soap
    I'd slippy and I'd slidey
    Over everybody's hidey
    Oh I wish I were a little bar of soap
     
    Oh I wish I were a pigeon, yes sirree
    Oh I wish I were a pigeon, yes sirree
    I'd sit up in the steeple
    And I'd shit on all the people
    Oh I wish I were a pigeon, yes sirree

    Oh I wish I were a little mos-qui-to
    Oh I wish I were a little mos-qui-to
    I'd buzzy and I'd bitey
    Under everybody's nightie
    Oh I wish I were  little mos-qui-to
   
    

    G'day,
    
    The Big O would have been upset to hear...
    
    Baked Beans, Baby, How long must I eat beans?
    Baked Beans, Baby, you've got me eating Baked Beans,
    all day through
    Baked Beans, Baby, you've got me eating Baked Beans
    Night time too,
    Baked Beans, Baby, how long must I eat beans?
    
    djw
    
    
    Contrived on a low budget stay at the International Camp, Windsor,
    Berks, 1961   !
    
    
    

    Here's to the chigger 
    who's not any bigger
    than the head of a very small pin
    but the lump that it raises
    itches like blazes
    and that's where the rub comes in!

    Re .46, first verse
    
    "Doctor O'Dell fell down a well,
    And broke his collarbone.
    Doctor's should attend the sick,
    And leave the well alone."
    
    Spike Milligan

    
    Hickory, dickory, doc
    Three mice ran up the clock
    The clock stuck one
    and other two escaped with minor injuries

    O I wish I where an Oscar Myer Weiner
    That is what truely loved to beeee...
    For if I where an Oscar Myer Weiner
    then I could dribble mustard on thee
    (Oscar Myer is a brand of hot dog in the US)
    
    

    From a children's magazine, many years ago:
    
    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    To fetch a pail of water
    Jack fell down and broke his crown;
    Now Jill's being held for manslaughter!
    
    Mary had a little lamb,
    It's fleece was white as snow
    And everywhere that Mary went
    The lamb was sure to go.
    
    She brought the lamb to school one day,
    A generous thing to do -
    For now the cafeteria
    Serves Mary's-little-lamb stew!

    OK, poetic experts, who wrote the following? I keep quoting it,
    probably incorrectly, to my kids. It would be nice to find it and
    get it right at last.
    
    Spring is sprung, the grass is riz,
    I wonder where the birdies is,
    Some say the the bird is on the wing,
    But that's absurd, the wing is on the bird.
    
    I think it should be pronounced "boid" for bird and "absoid" etc..
                                             Regards,  Guy
     

    Reply .58 with its poetic "boids" reminds me of an old one from
    my grammar school days which makes fun of the Brooklynite dialect...
    
          Did ya see the toity poiple boids sittin' on da corner of
          toid and toity-toid, choipin' and boipin' an' eatin' doity
          oit woims?
    
    Translation below if you have difficulty...
    
    
          Did you see the thirth purple birds sitting on the corner
          of third [avenue] and thirty-third [street], chirping and
          burping and eating dirty earth worms.
    
    
    

    Re: -.1
    
    I even got my tongue twisted around my typing finger in the 
    translation....
    
    "thirth" should have been "thirty".   Sorry about that.

    I saw it (credibly - it seemed to me) accredited to Spike Milligna
    (the famous human typo).
    
    b

    I thought it was Spike, too . . . I originally learned a
    cleaned-up version:
    
    Spring is here, spring is sprung,
    the bird is on the wing --
    goodness gracious, how absurd!
    I thought the wing was on the bird!

    
    --bonnie

    	I first read it in a book that was published when Spike was
    still in short trousers, so I don't think it belongs to him. As
    far as I can remember that version :-
    
    Spring is sprung, the grass is riz
    I wonder where dem boidies is
    Dem little boids is on der wing
    Ain't dat absoid, der little wings is on der boid.
    
    Unfortunately I don't have access to the book since it belongs to
    my father, and is in England.

RE>   < Note 533.27 by NEARLY::GOODENOUGH "Jeff Goodenough, IPG Reading UK" >
>                            -< Fili extincti >-
>
>    Re: .25  JOKES was one, and SOAPBOX came pretty close.  Then, of
>    course, there was the famous SEXCETERA, but nobody read that (did
>    they?).					    Jeff.

    ie So, if you type...
    
    $ 			No Soap
    $ 			No Sex
    $ 			No Jokes
    $ 			No Joy

    				...all you will get is confirmations.	Nigel