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Conference mr1pst::music

Title:	MUSIC V4
Notice:	New Noters please read Note 1.*, Mod = someone else
Moderator:	KDX200::COOPER

Created:	Wed Oct 09 1991
Last Modified:	Tue Mar 12 1996
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	762
Total number of notes:	18706

509.0. "The 33� Rules of Rock and Roll" by OTOOA::ESKICIOGLU (one tuck, one no tuck) Mon Oct 04 1993 16:12

    
    I stole the attached from someone's desk at the tv studio.
    I don't know the source.
    
    Lale
    
    
	THE 33� RULES OF ROCK AND ROLL
	
	If you violate these rules, you will make bad rock and roll
	and a couple  of guys looking for a quick buck will write 
	about you.
	
	1. Do not retain a band's name if the most important 
	member(s) has left the group. Does anybody (even Pete 
	Townshend) really like anything the Who have recorded since 
	Keith Moon died in 1978?
	
	2. Do not sing a song about Elvis, especially if you have 
	never been in a recording studio before.
	
	3. Do not record for Arista Records. In the late eighties, 
	Clive Davis' label was a haven for art-rock has-beens eager 
	for one last pillage, like GTR and the Kantner-Balin-Casady 
	Band (both of which broke up after one album) and Anderson, 
	Bruford, Wakeman, Howe (pending). Arista's flagship "new" 
	artists of the time, particularly Milli Vanilli, were 
	cynical exploitation units.
	
	4. Rock-and-roll songs with an orchestral choir are bound to 
	be horrible. (Sole exception: the Rolling Stones' "You Can't 
	Always Get What You Want.")
	
	5. Rock lyrics are not poetry (especially if Sting or Bono 
	writes them).
	
	6. The quality of a rock-and-roll song is inversely 
	proportional to the number of instruments on it (unless 
	you're Van Morrison).
	
	7. Supergroups never are.
	
	8. Rock stars are not actors.
	
	9. Actors are not rock stars.
	
	10. White rock-and-roll stars who talk about their R&B roots 
	are probably lying. Similarly, anyone born after April 1954 
	who records at the Sun Studio is a poseur. Furthermore, a 
	return to roots is not necessarily a good thing. Listened to 
	John Lennon's Rock 'n' Roll lately?
	
	11. Don't sing a song about your dead parent, especially if 
	that parent was a celebrity. This is the Hank Williams, Jr. 
	rule.
	
	12. Elvis is dead.
	
	13. Do not go to art school.
	
	14. The more controversial the cause embraced, the more
	likely the star may actually be committed to it. Do you know 
	anyone in favor of hunger or homelessness?
	
	15. Whatever you do, Jerry Lee Lewis has already done it. 
	Probably better, too.
	
	16. A list is not a song. (Most blatant recent violation: 
	Billy Joel's evasive "We Didn't Start the Fire.")
	
	17. Established artists should not allow family members into 
	the band.
	
	18. There is no reason besides greed for an established 
	performer to accept corporate sponsorship.
	
	19. Live records should reflect what a performance actually 
	sounded like when it occurred. We loved the Talking Heads' 
	"Stop Making Sense" until we found out how many studios
	were used for postproduction.
	
	20. Videos are commercials.
	
	21. Good politics are not what make good lyrics.
	
	22. Formidable technical proficiency is never sufficient. 
	This rule explains why art rock is always bad.
	
	23. Neither is formidable hair. (Exception: Little Richard.)
	
	24. Do not hang out with Jeff Lynne or Dave Stewart. They 
	will produce your record, you will have to take part in 
	periodic psychedelic revivals, and you'll start dressing 
	like them. Do you want to wear a paisley vest and cowboy 
	boots that badly?
	
	25. Cult artists are frequently just as boring and 
	predictable as mainstream ones. This is also called the 
	Robyn Hitchcock rule.
	
	26. Heavy metal should be fast.
	
	27. Punk happened. (Note tense.)
	
	28. If you have recorded more than three albums, someone 
	will some day compile a boxed set dedicated to your oeuvre 
	and Rolling Stone will give it four stars and call it a 
	"grand summary, especially valuable on pristine CD."
	
	29. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is an oxymoron. If you 
	want your work to be recognized in a museum, learn to paint.
	
	30. Admit you're balding.
	
	31. Love is not all you need. Psychedelic lyrics never ring 
	true after you've come down.
	
	32. Do not record cover versions of Motown or Stax/Volt 
	hits.
	
	33. Rock and roll is but one small part of the music being 
	made on this planet. Rockers who think they're changing the 
	world are in fact only reaching a small part of it.
	
	33�. Do not die before Albert Goldman.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
509.1		NACAD::HERTZBERG	History: Love it or Leave it!	`Mon Oct 04 1993 17:35`	17
	>> 2. Do not sing a song about Elvis, especially if you have >> never been in a recording studio before. Except it was OK for Living Colour to sing about "Elvis is Dead" (see #12). >> 5. Rock lyrics are not poetry (especially if Sting or Bono >> writes them). ... or even if Jim Morrison wrote them. >> 8. Rock stars are not actors. While this is good advice in general, I feel like there are notable exceptions. David Bowie, Glenn Frey (sp?), even Madonna on occasion has turned in very good acting performances.
509.2	purely pop	WBC::DEADY	everything's fine... just fine...	`Mon Oct 04 1993 17:43`	4
	Madonna is NOT a rock star, nor an actor/actress. fred deady
509.3	She's good in some comedy roles	NACAD::HERTZBERG	History: Love it or Leave it!	`Mon Oct 04 1993 18:41`	7
	re: -1 I can't cite a particular performance that makes her a rock star to _me_, but she is certainly a rock star to lots of people. As for an actress, she was terrific in "Desperately Seeking Susan." M
509.4		LEDS::BURATI	Helter Skelter	`Mon Oct 04 1993 20:06`	7
	>5. Rock lyrics are not poetry (especially if Sting or Bono >writes them). I've always felt that if you're trying to write a lyric and it sounds like a poem, THROW IT OUT! --Ron
509.5	Also that one seen in the otherwise worthless "Tracey"	DREGS::BLICKSTEIN	DOS Boot	`Mon Oct 04 1993 20:29`	10
	Agreed about "Desperately seeking Susan" - she may have ruined the movie by making even the liberated Arquette seem boring by comparison! I also thought that she was brilliant in that one scene from "Dick Tracey" with Warren Beatty where she turned everything he said into an innuendo. I think she's very good at the things she does (in particular, sell "sex"), I think most of the grousing is that people do not like what she does (one of which is promote herself).
509.6		WONDER::REILLY	Sean Reilly CSG/AVS DTN:293-5983	`Mon Oct 04 1993 21:51`	77
	> member(s) has left the group. Does anybody (even Pete > Townshend) really like anything the Who have recorded since > Keith Moon died in 1978? Not really. But I might if they let Simon Phillips sit in on a studio album!!!! > 3. Do not record for Arista Records. In the late eighties, > Clive Davis' label was a haven for art-rock has-beens eager > for one last pillage, like GTR and the Kantner-Balin-Casady > Band (both of which broke up after one album) and Anderson, > Bruford, Wakeman, Howe (pending). Arista's flagship "new" > artists of the time, particularly Milli Vanilli, were > cynical exploitation units. The Kinks put out 2 of their best on Arista - "Misfits" and "Sleepwalker" (some might say 3 with the live one). > 4. Rock-and-roll songs with an orchestral choir are bound to > be horrible. (Sole exception: the Rolling Stones' "You Can't > Always Get What You Want.") The Moody Blues whole "Days Of Future Passed" destroys this rule (I think YCAGWYW actually counts as support rather than an exception to the rule - bleaaaugh). Procol Harum's "Conquistador" is cool too. > 5. Rock lyrics are not poetry (especially if Sting or Bono > writes them). Pete Sinfield did a lot of great poetry for King Crimson. > 13. Do not go to art school. Well, I liked the Talking Heads, myself. > 16. A list is not a song. (Most blatant recent violation: > Billy Joel's evasive "We Didn't Start the Fire.") Buzzcocks "A Different Kind of Tension" was sort of neat. > 18. There is no reason besides greed for an established > performer to accept corporate sponsorship. How about so's I can see them play. Or are they supposed to play for free for me 'cause they're artists? > 19. Live records should reflect what a performance actually > sounded like when it occurred. We loved the Talking Heads' > "Stop Making Sense" until we found out how many studios > were used for postproduction. They liked it. After that, what matters? I guess they'd feel more comfortable with something like Grand Funk's live atrocity... or the Stones' "Got Live If You Want It" scam. > This rule explains why art rock is always bad. <Marge Simpson voice> MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmnnnhhhh..... > 26. Heavy metal should be fast. That's why I hate today's Heavy Metal. Heavy Metal should be Black Sabbath's "The Warning" :^) > 27. Punk happened. (Note tense.) And Rock can thank its lucky stars and $$$$ that it did - gave it the kick in the butt it needed. > 28. If you have recorded more than three albums, someone > will some day compile a boxed set dedicated to your oeuvre > and Rolling Stone will give it four stars and call it a > "grand summary, especially valuable on pristine CD." Ha ha ha ha ha - I actually like that one!!!!!
509.9	Not That Palmer-James Was Much Better	TECRUS::ROST	Keef Riffhard	`Tue Oct 05 1993 08:55`	9
	>> 5. Rock lyrics are not poetry (especially if Sting or Bono >> writes them). > > Pete Sinfield did a lot of great poetry for King Crimson. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Brian
509.10	Good topic!	PAVONE::TURNER		`Tue Oct 05 1993 09:54`	32
	Hmm, interesting list. There's quite a lot of truth in there, amongst the exagerations and generalizations. Sure, you could probably think up an exception to each point, but I still think the author has got something. As an addendum to the list, I've hit upon an additional rule (guaranteed to achieve legendary cult success!): Make sure that your band's discography is as irregular as possible. In other words, go wild with limited edition singles, live B-sides, EPs, remixed tracks, alternative covers (better still covers banned by the censors after the first 50 copies have gone to press!), songs included on rare compilations, re-recorded versions, authorized bootlegs, etc. Well, it worked for The Smiths (among others), though their musical ability was never in doubt either! re: .6 >> 16. A list is not a song. (Most blatant recent violation: >> Billy Joel's evasive "We Didn't Start the Fire.") > Buzzcocks "A Different Kind of Tension" was sort of neat. The Buzzcocks' "A Different Kind of Tension" was very much a list...and a superb track as well! It's hardly typical of their output but I'd recommend it to anyone, dated as it may sound. Dom
509.11	Maybe she wasn't good enough yet	CSLALL::NASEAM::READIO	A Smith & Wesson beats four aces, Tow trucks beat Chapman Locks	`Tue Oct 05 1993 10:24`	10
	> exceptions. David Bowie, Glenn Frey (sp?), even Madonna on occasion > has turned in very good acting performances. Does this mean that John Holmes could have been a rock star? He was a better "actor" than Madonna and he made a whole lot more films than she has . I'm surprised they never managed to "act" together .
509.12		VAXWRK::STHILAIRE	with a bible & a gun	`Tue Oct 05 1993 10:58`	18
	re .5, I was listening to Zooropa on the way to work this morning, and I disagree. I like Bono's lyrics. Anyway, this list overlooked a major rule of rock'n'roll: Bono can do no wrong. :-) Re .13, I like David Byrne, too. Also, John Lennon went to art school and I liked him, too. It can never hurt to go to art school. Re .24, I think Annie Lennox did okay by hanging out with Dave Stewart. Her solo album since she was with him is nowhere near as good as the stuff she recorded with him. Madonna is an adequate actress in certain roles. She was good in A League of Their Own, and Desperately Seeking Susan. I didn't think she did that great of a job in Dick Tracy. I remember thinking that either Kim Basinger or Michelle Pfeiffer could have done that role better. Lorna
509.13		TAMRC::LAURENT	Hal Laurent @ COP	`Tue Oct 05 1993 11:34`	14
	re: .6 > The Moody Blues whole "Days Of Future Passed" destroys this rule > (I think YCAGWYW actually counts as support rather than an exception to > the rule - bleaaaugh). Procol Harum's "Conquistador" is cool too. Gackkk!!!!!! The Moody Blues with orchestra were even worse than the Moody Blues without Orchestra! As for "Conquistador", the awfulness of the arrangement was matched only by the pompousness of the lyrics! Geez, now I'm foaming at the mouth. I'd better go take my medicine... -Hal
509.14	Gee - why does that bass player have 2 middle names	PASTA::BENZ	I'm an idiot, and I vote	`Tue Oct 05 1993 14:05`	6
	My candidate for the 45th rule... borrowed from the movie industry (well, actor's guild) 45. Bands AND individual musicians should register names to guarantee uniqueness... no more of this Dave Stewart, Squeeze, English Beat and similar confusions.
509.15	From Atlanta, but I saw them in LA	MSBCS::STEINHARDT		`Wed Oct 06 1993 18:47`	6
	As for Arista, my favorite nobody_has_heard_of_them_but_they're_great band (Michelle Malone and Drag The River) recorded their lone album on Arista in '91. Cheers, Ken