Conference lgp30::christian-perspective

    RE: .0  Richard,
    
                      Sometimes I get down just dealing with everyday
    problems.  A good belly laugh does wonders for my attitude.  If
    Christians can't laugh at themselves and start taking life too
    seriously they start looking they've been sucking on lemons. :-)
    
    
    Dave
             

    I always figured that God/the creator/the divine/the prime mover/
    the goddess, had a sense of humor - else we'd not be the awkward
    critters we are.
    
    BJ

    It occurred to me today when our pastor reminded us that the very hairs
    of our heads are numbered, that balding men must get more of God's
    attention than the rest of us, because He has to keep updating the
    number of hairs on their heads!
    
    ;}
    
    Nancy
    

    
    C.S. Lewis addresses this issue in _The Screwtape Letters_.
    In one of the letters to his nephew, Wormwood, Screwtape says this
    of God, who he calls The Enemy.
    
    "He's a hedonist at heart.  All those fasts and vigils and stakes and
    crosses are only a facade.  Or only like foam on the sea shore.
    Out at sea, out in His sea, there is pleasure, and more pleasure.
    He makes no secret of it; at His right hand are "pleasure for
    evermore."  Ugh!  I don't think He has the least inkling of that 
    high and austere mystery to which we rise in the Miserific Vision.
    He's vulgar, Wormwood.  He has a bourgeois mind.  He has filled His
    world full of pleasures.  There are things for humans to do all day
    long without His minding in the least -- sleeping, washing, eating,
    drinking, making love, playing, praying, working.  Everything has to be
    *twisted* before it's any use to us."
    
    And at another point, Screwtape goes on to say about humor...
    
    "The real use of Jokes or Humour is in quite a different direction,
    and it is specially promising among the modern generation who take
    their "sense of humour" so seriously that a deficiency in this sense 
    is almost the only deficiency at which they feel shame.  Humour is for
    them the all-consoling and (mark this) the all-excusing, grace of life.
    Hence it is invaluable as a means of destroying shame.  If a man simply
    lets others pay for him, he is "mean";  if he boasts of it in a jocular
    manner and kids his friends with having been taken -- he is no longer
    "mean" but a comic.  Mere cowardice is shameful; cowardice boasted of
    with humorous exaggerations and grotesque gestures can be passed off
    as funny.  Cruelty is shameful -- unless the cruel man can represent it
    as a practical joke.  A thousand bawdy, or even blasphemous, jokes do
    not help towards a man's damnation so much as his discovery that almost
    anything he wants to do can be done, not only without the disapproval
    but with the admiration of his fellows, if only it can get itself
    treated as a Joke.  And this temptation can be almost entirely hidden
    from your patient by that modern seriousness about Humour.  Any
    suggestion that there might be too much of it can be represented
    to him as "Puritanical" or as betraying a "lack of humour.""
    
    	"But Flippancy is the best of all.  In the first place it is very
    economical.  Only a clever human can make a real Joke about virtue,
    or indeed about anything else; any of them can be trained to talk 
    *as if* virtue were funny.  Among flippant people the Joke is always
    assumed to have been made.  No one actually makes it;  but every
    serious subject is discussed in a manner which implies that they have 
    already found a ridiculous side to it.  If prolonged, the habit of
    Flippancy builds up around a man the finest armour-plating against
    the Enemy that I know, and it is quite free from the dangers inherent
    in the other sources of laughter.  It is a thousand miles away from
    joy:  it deadens, instead of sharpening, the intellect; and it excites
    no affection between those who practice it."
    
    I've found all this to be true, myself.
    
    -Mark
    

    Humor often manifests itself in irony.  I believe a great faith
    helps its adherents to see a much larger picture, and hence, to see
    the ironies of life that might otherwise go unnoticed.
    
    Peace,
    Richard

When out parish was in need of a new pastor, the diocese provided a person 
to advise us and help in our understanding of where we were and what we 
needed to do.

She told us to list all the traits we wanted in a minister.  People started 
raising their hands:  good speaking voice, theological credentials, this, 
that, and the other thing.  Finally someone volunteered "sense of humor".

She stopped the discussion, "THAT is what I needed to hear."

Peace,

Jim

    
    A man died and went to Heaven.  At the gate, St Peter asked the man
    what he had done during his life that was selfless.  The man answered
    "well, I just helped this little old lady.  A big burly biker was
    picking on her and pushing her down.  I went right up to that guy and
    pushed over his bike to get his attention.  As he was walking toward me
    I kicked him in the shin and drove my fist right into his stomach".
    St Peter said " Wow, that was good!  When did that happen"?
    
    
        the man answered after lookin at his watch "'bout two or three
    minutes ago." 
    
    Dave

    A bum who smelled of cheap women, booze and and had a porno magazine
    rolled up and tucked in his coat pocket, boarded a subway train down
    in Boston. He took a seat next to a priest and started reading a news
    paper. The priest was kind of  irritated with this man, but kept his
    thoughts to himself. 

    After a few minutes, the bum turned to the priest and asked -  "Father,
    what causes arthritis?" The priest still irritated, figured this would
    be a good opportunity to give this man a lesson. The priest snapped,
    "going with cheap women, drinking, and reading smut magazines, causes
    arthritis." 
    "OK" answered the bum, and he returned to reading the 
    newspaper. 

    The priest started to feel guilty for answering the man the way he did,
    so he said to him, " I'm sorry for snapping at you the way I did. Why
    did you want to know what causes arthritis ?"

    The bum answered;
    
    Well, I just read that the Pope has arthritis.


    Peace
    Jim

	"The rights of the laboring man [are] protected and cared for
	not by labor agitators but by the Christian gentlemen to whom
	God has given control of the property rights of the country."

					Mine and railway magnate Robert Baer,
					commenting on the coal strike of 1902
					(The New Republic 8/12/92 p. 40)

The following was heard on the radio a few days ago.  This was an 8-year old 
boy talking about God and prayer:

God's most important thing to do is make people.  But He doesn't make 
grown-ups, He just makes kids.  I think He makes kids 'cause they're smaller
and He doesn't have to teach them to walk and talk and stuff.  He leaves that
to the moms and dads.

His next most important thing is listening to prayers.  This takes alot of
time because lots of people, not just preachers, pray all the time.

God had a Son.  His name was Jesus.  He did all the hard stuff like walk on
water and do miracles.  And He taught people to love God, even though they
didn't really want to.  But they got tired of His preaching so they crucified
Him.  But He was nice.  He told God that they didn't know what they were
doing and God should forgive them.  God said OK.  God was so happy with Jesus
that He said He didn't have to go out on the road anymore.  He could come to
heaven and stay there.  Now Jesus helps God.  He takes care of the easy stuff
and tells God about the hard stuff.  And He takes turns with God listening to
prayers.  So you can pray anytime.  They have it arranged so that one of them
is on duty all the time.

    I love it Debby - thanks!
    
    :-)
    
    Karen

If Christ did not have a sense of humor how could he have made the
statment to the Samaritan woman referring to Samaritans as dogs
and survived. As I recall he was in Samaria at the time. And then
again her rejoinder about the puppies under the table eating the
crumbs showed a sense of wit that compelled him to stay.

And then again, who invites "lemon-suckers" to parties? Christ
appears to have been sought after. His irony was often biting.
He observed several viewed John the Baptist distastefully because
he abstained, and yet referred to his desciples equally distastefully
because they didn't.

Perhaps others may cite chapter page and verse precisely, but
it might be more interesting to read other observations of the 
humor of Christ.

Best wishes,
Rollyn

We are in the midst of someone who is related to a prolific modern
author.  Rollyn Trueblood, if I'm not mistaken, is the nephew of
D. Elton Trueblood, who wrote, among many other books, "The Humor
of Christ."

Peace,
Richard

re: Note 212.12 by Rollyn Trueblood

>                              -< Christ's Humor >-

>Perhaps others may cite chapter page and verse precisely, but
>it might be more interesting to read other observations of the 
>humor of Christ.

I don't recall chapter and verse, but I'm given to understand that Jesus' 
image of a camel (one of the very largest mobile critters known in those 
parts) passing through the eye of a needle (probably the smallest orifice 
known then) was considered a very humorous example of hyperbole.  
Who could imagine such a thing!?!

Peace,

Jim

    The eye of the needle was a narrow gate that was left open when the
    large gate was closed.  Is was just large enough for a man and too
    small for a camel.

>    The eye of the needle was a narrow gate that was left open when the
>    large gate was closed.  Is was just large enough for a man and too
>    small for a camel.

I have heard the postulation that Jesus was alluding to this landmark
before.

Still, it conjures up an amusing, almost cartoon-like mental image, sort
of like the thought of walking around with a log or wooden plank in one's
eye (Luke 6.41).

Peace,
Richard

    I have also heard this theory before, although my understanding is that
    this is unlikely.  The Harper's Bible Commentary, for example, briefly
    remarks: "A camel going through a needle's eye is a proverbial
    statement of the humanly impossible and not a description of unburdened
    camel crawling through a small gate."  The Harper's Dictionary says, "a
    hyperbolic reference in a saying of Jesus on the difficulty of a rich
    man entering the Kingdom of God. There is no evidence for the view that
    it referred to a narrow gate in the walls of Jerusalem."

    -- Mike

    About 10 years ago I attended a lecture by one of the few Aramaic
    language scholars still living. He was a Lebanese professor, don't
    recall his name or where he was teaching.
    
    He pointed out that he and other lingiuists regarded the camel/eye of
    the needle passage as a early mistranslation from the original Aramaic
    to Greek.
    
    The Aramaic words for rope and camel are very similar in sound and
    appearance. He gave written and verbal examples, but I don't remember
    the details.
    
    To me, this makes the most sense of any interpretation I've heard.
    Once the mistake became traditionalized, correcting it would be
    virtually impossible.
    
    Terry

    Re .18
    
    Gosh, with all the confusion, it's little wonder Jesus' disciples
    couldn't figure out what he was getting at!  8-}
    
    Peace,
    Richard

    
    Re.18
    
    Yes, Lee Lafferty once pointed that rope vs. camel translation problem
    out quite a while ago, which was interesting.
    
    Re.19 
    
    You're right, Richard!  (;^)
    
    Cindy
    

                             
    No particular relevance, Nancy.  (;^)
    
    Just popped into my mind.
    
    Cindy

re: Note 212.18 by Terry "Dangerously close to mawkishness" 

Thanks, I hadn't heard about the camel/rope mistranslation.  That makes a lot 
of sense, it's still quite an hyperbole of an image.

I've heard the "Eye of the Needle Gateway" explanation too, but it always 
seems to be refuted in the end.

Thanks,

Jim

News Article 7964
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From: [email protected] (Bill Gripp)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian
Subject: Seen in RISKS
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 24 Apr 92 05:35:49 GMT
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RISKS-LIST: RISKS-FORUM Digest  Wednesday 22 April 1992  Volume 13 : Issue 43

        FORUM ON RISKS TO THE PUBLIC IN COMPUTERS AND RELATED SYSTEMS 
   ACM Committee on Computers and Public Policy, Peter G. Neumann, moderator

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 20 Apr 92 20:46:30 -0700
From: Cliff Stoll <[email protected]>
Subject: Typos?  They've been around for centuries! (Re: Ellison, RISKS-13.42)

Well, you sure don't need a computer to make typos.

1562 - Geneva bible Matt. v, 9 reads:
       "Blessed are the placemakers: for they shall be called the children
        of God."        ^^^^^^^^^^^  (oughta be peacemakers)

1653 - Cambridge printer screws up I Cor. vi, 9:
       "know ye not that the unrighteous shall inherit the Kingdom of God?

1691 - Barker & Lewis in London printed a bible with the seventh commandment,
        "Thou shalt commit adultery."
       (they were fined 300 pounds and went out of business)

1702 - London firm prints bible with Psalms cxix, 161:
       "Printers have persecuted me"  (should be "Princes..."

1716 - First bible printed in Ireland has John v, 14 as:
       "sin on more" (instead of sin no more)

Things might have improved since then.  But maybe not... 

     [No.  Now it would be "Blessed are the pacemakers."  By the way, Pete
     Mellor <[email protected]> sent in a further collection, not included here,
     but suggested that this subject be moved to rec.humor.  I agree with him.
     No more typos unless really RISKS relevant, e.g., life critical.  PGN]
------------------------------

I have a favorite story about going blank at the pulpit. 456.2 reminded me
of it.

One Sunday the Bishop went to hear a young priest say Mass. During the homily
it became obvious that the congregation was not that interested in hearing it.
The young priest was aware of this and suddenly interrupted himself with an
announcement. "I must tell you all that for almost 20 years I lived with a
woman who was not my wife." The church was shocked. All eyes were now open
and the priest had everyones full attention. At that point he added. "She
was my mother."

Afterwards the Bishop complimented the priest on the Mass and asked him if
he'd mind it if he used that story if he ever needed it. 

A few weeks later the Bishop found himself with a church full of people whose
attention he could not seem to keep. So he too interrupted himself with an
announcement. "I must tell you all that for almost 20 years I lived with a
woman who was not my wife." The church was shocked. All eyes were now open
and the Bishop had everyones full attention. He paused, looked out over the
church and went blank.

He shook his head and finally confessed "And for the life of me I can't
remember who she was."

The following was part of a sermon by a UCC minister preaching to Episcopalians
on the Sunday within the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity.

At a gathering of denominational executives, ministers, priests, bishops,
and lay representatives, a fire broke out.  Someone yelled "FIRE" and the
representatives acted accordingly:

	The Baptists immediately called for water.
	The Quakers sat silently waiting for the Spirit to speak.
	The Lutherans quickly made a long list of objections to the fire
	  and nailed it to the auditorium doors.
	The Presbyterians met and voted to refer the issue of fire to a
	  committee which would publish a detailed report to be presented at
	  the next meeting of the session.  [Sounds like Episcopalians to me.]
	The Fundamentalists [?] declared the fire to be the wrath of God to
	  punish us for our sins.
	The Unitarians called all their friends to share and celebrate the
	  experience.
	The Congregationalists yelled "Every man for himself" while the
	  politically correct United Church of Christ representatives
	  yelled "Every person for herself/himself."
	And, of course, the Episcopalians formed a tasteful procession
	  and left the auditorium for sherry!

...And the atheists put it out!

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

Steve

                     
    There's another takeoff on that story that goes something like this:
    
    The Baptist church was on fire, so the minister was seen running from 
    the flames tryng to save (whatever it is that is used to baptize people
    - baptismal font?.) 
    
    The Catholic church was on fire, and the priest was seen running from
    the flames trying to save the communion set.
    
    The Unitarian Universalist church was on fire, and the minister was
    seen running from the flames trying to save the coffee pot.
    
    Cindy

    "It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother
    me, it is the parts that I do understand."
    
    			- Mark Twain

    (.29 MYERS)
    
    Twain is a favorite of mine.  Said Twain, "The world might be
    better off had Noah missed the boat."
    
    Twain was born with the passing of Halley's comet and died with
    the passing of Halley's comet (which isn't terribly phenomenal,
    but kind of interesting).
    
    Twain wrote "The Diary of Adam and Eve" and "The War Prayer,"
    two of my all-time favorite short works.
    
    Shalom,
    Richard
    

    .30
    
    >Twain was born with the passing of Halley's comet and died with
    >the passing of Halley's comet (which isn't terribly phenomenal,
    >but kind of interesting).
    
    What a co-incidence...  
    
    My dad was also born under Halley's comet and died in 1987 when it
    returned.  It is a beautiful way to remember him for some reason.  Kind
    of like seeing a Rainbow after a rainstorm.  He must have been born
    just as Twain was dieing.
    
    Rob
    
    

    	David, my son who is 15 and Catholic (and quite good at it, even
    	if he is a little too critical for his religion teacher at school)
    	asked me yesterday:
    
    	"Dad: If God was really all_seeing, why did he not have the Old
    	Testament writers use "BC dating" instead of "in the x-th year of
    	the reign of n. We dont really know when n lived or reigned?"
    
    	I won't tell you what my (non-Christian to Christian) reply was.
    
    	Greetings, Derek.

            SUBJECT: Going to Hell... 
 
            A software  engineer met  his fate  and found himself at the 
            Pearly Gates.   The  Gatekeeper greeted  him and tallied the 
            score.   "Your record  is pretty good, Mr. Programmer.  Your 
            sins and  your good  deeds just about balance out.  Tell you 
            what -  you may  have your  own choice  of either  Heaven or 
            Hell." 
 
            The  engineer,   weary  of  design  tradeoffs  and  wary  of 
            uninformed decisions,  asked  for  more  details.    "Sure," 
            replied the  Gatekeeper.   "Here is  the elevator.   You can 
            ride up and see Heaven and down to see Hell.  Take your time 
            and make  your own  choice.   But choose wisely, there is no 
            turning back!" 
 
            So the  engineer rode  the elevator  up and  took a  look at 
            Heaven.   He saw  the angels  playing on their harps and the 
            beatific look  on the  faces  of  the  faithful,  blissfully 
            flitting back and forth among the clouds.  "Well, that looks 
            about like  what I expected," he said to himself.  "Let's go 
            take a look at the alternative." 
 
            So he rode down the elevator to the floor labeled "HELL" and 
            looked around there.  To his delight he found sandy beaches, 
            beautiful  women  and  men,  snow-capped  mountains  in  the 
            background, and parties going on all over.  Returning to the 
            Gates, he  had no  problem informing  the Gatekeeper  of his 
            decision. 
 
            "Heaven looks fine, but pretty boring to me.  Hell is what I 
            have always  dreamed of!  Let me in."  The Gatekeeper handed 
            him an  entry pass  and the  engineer  went  back  down  the 
            elevator to take his place in Hell. 
 
            But to  his surprise,  the sun  had gone  out, the  snow had 
            melted and  the parties  were over.    There  was  fire  and 
            brimstone, snakepits  swarming with vipers, fiends torturing 
            sinners, and  devils tormenting babies.  "Wait!" he cried as 
            two monsters  hauled him  off to  the  chambers  of  eternal 
            agony.   "What  happened  to  the  beach  parties,  fun  and 
            sunshine I saw before?"  "Oh," replied the Devil.  "That was 
            just the demo." 
 

    Did anyone see "The Simpsons"  last night? It turns out that Ned
    Flanders, the almost-too-happy Christian neighbor, lands the job of
    school principal. He's kind, gentle and forgiving, but not very stern.
    As such, the kids in the school run amuck: disruptions in class,
    vandalism, general mayhem. The chair of the school board, however, is
    unable to fire him. That is until Ned commits the biggest, most heinous
    breach of public trust possible in a public school... over the PA
    system, he concludes an announcement "...thank the Lord for another
    wonderful day."

    "'Thank the Lord!' That sounds like a prayer to me", bellows an irate
    school board char. "Flanders is *history*!"

    It was a very effective, albeit satirical, example of how warped we can
    be - how far out of whack our priorities really are some times. 
    
    	Eric

re: Note 212.34 by Eric

Good episode.  Another thought provoking bit was that Bart and the ousted 
principal became good friends.  In their usual roles as student and principal 
they are always at odds with each other.  They need a relationship which is 
defined as hostile in the school environment.  Out of that environment however 
their relation does a 180� turn.  (Maybe like some relationships in 
notesfiles?)

Peace,

Jim  (a Simpsons fan)

    .34  I, too, saw the episode.
    
    The superintendent said something like, "God doesn't belong in public
    schools, just like facts don't belong in organized religion!"
    
    Cracked me up!!  %-}
    
    Richard
    

    re .36
    
    So *that's* what he said. I was yuckin' it up over the first gag that I
    missed what the superintendent said. Witty stuff...
    
    Eric

Joke I heard from a friend today, which I'm sure he wont mind 
me passing on.


Q: What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do all night?.


A: He lies awake wondering whether there is a dog. 

The following letter was published in Saturday's Nashua Telegraph.
Although it's written from a right wing viewpoint I thought it was amusing.

      To the Editor:

      As recently reported, Maureen Kelley, the president of the N.H.
    School Boards Association, was kind enough to provide Granite Staters
    a "primer" on how to recognize and counteract the "infiltration" of
    local school boards by members of the "religious right".

      While I consider Ms. Kelley's "primer" a very effective self-parody,
    I don't think she went far enough.  I would like to offer my own
    primer that will probably be adopted by Ms. Kelley's organization
    immediately.

      Warning!  They could be loose in your neighborhood - how to spot a
    religious right "monster":

      � Has Bible verses tattooed on wrist or forehead.

      � Takes 14 steps to complete traditional 12-step program.

      � Wears T-shirt that says, "Of all the things I've lost in life, I
    miss my mind the most."

      � Will only live in apartments or houses because "condominium"
    contains the word, "condom".

      � Will never be seen on "around the world" cruises as most are
    generally members of the Flat Earth Society.

      � Still believes that men did not actually land on the moon but that
    the whole scene was created in a Disney studio by George Lucas and
    that served as his inspiration for the Star Wars series.

      � When serving on a committee, will never vote "yea" or "nay," but
    rather will "abstain" as this reinforces convictions about sexual
    abstinence.

      � Women will be much more likely to frequent podiatrists and
    chiropractors as they are almost always barefoot and pregnant.

      � Experiences difficulty when coming to a fork in the road because
    they have been trained that there is only "one way."

      � Will most often be dour and miserable out of fear of appearing
    "gay".

      � Will only drink unprocessed goat milk as all other milk is
    homogenized, which includes term, "homo".

      � Will only travel by car, bus or train as planes require a "left"
    wing as well as a "right wing".

      � Still thinks Dan Quayle spelled "potatoe" correctly.

      � Behaves as if children were the parents' primary responsibility,
    not the state's or the school's.

      � Uses inflammatory and irrational phrases such as "family values,"
    "decency," "conservative" and "vouchers".

      This public service message is brought to you by the Community
    Enlightment Corporation and your local thought police.  Our motto is:
    "We tolerate all points of view except the nutty ideas of the right-wing
    evangelical, fundamentalist Christians that threaten our power base
    and raise issues that embarrass us."

			      Michael Cahill
				  Amherst

    
I extracted this from a mailing list I am on.

Subject: Re: Children &  Holy Communion
 
I remember a friend, then in Western Kentucky, telling me about her son
going to the rail with her and asking - probably in that very quiet voice
small children use - if he could have communion.  She looked at the priest
and he shrugged and gave Andy communion.  All the way back to the pew, she
was trying to figure out what to say to explain what Andy had just
participated in.  When she got there, Andy was on his knees saying, "God is
great, God is good, and we thank Him for our food."  Andy was not quite 3 at
the time.

    
    That last one reminds me of my second son.
    While preparing him for his first holy
    communion, he said "and by the way, I'll
    have chocolate even though most people
    choose vanilla."
    
    Dolores

    Overheard from a boy about 5 years old as he was walking away from
    communion:
    
    "Mommy, Jesus didn't taste very good this time."
    
    :-)
    
    Shalom,
    Richard
    

           "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things:
            One is that God loves you and you're going to
            burn in Hell.  The other is that sex is the
            most awful, filthy thing on earth.  And you
            should save it for someone you love."

                		       --Butch Hancock

Thought of Genral Bubba and Deacon Dave Dawson when I read this.

Shalom,
Richard

             


The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I
am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next
Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon
returning to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: 

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.  
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.  
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.  
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.  
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.  
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, 
and the Spook.  
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.  
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was 
stoned off his ass.  
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!  
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat 
it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."  
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".  
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for 
the grub, yeah God!"  
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a 
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 

Author Unknown


Richard Schedler - Last modified: Tuesday, 20-Dec-94 16:32:59 PST 
     

	God was the first Project Manger

	He gave Himself 6 days to create something useful from chaos. He did it.

	He then turned operations over to Adam, who promptly turned it into hash.

	God has some advantages over modern Project Managers, though:

		He gets to define what "day" means;

		He has REALLY unlimited resources!

The pope gathers together his cardinals and makes this announcement:

"I have some good news and I have some bad news.

The good news is that the Lord has returned.

The bad news is that he just phoned me from Salt Lake City."

:-) ;-) :-)

    
    The way I heard it was....
    
    "The good news is that God has returned."
    "The bad news is....
    
    .... SHE's ticked."

    .47
    
    now that *is* funny!

Subject: Humor

Jesus asked them, "And whom do they say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatologocal mainifestation of the ground
of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very
selfhood revealed."

Jesus replied, "What?"

    I like it!

Exactly.  Jesus is not just mumbo jumbo.

He is God Almighty.  The Saviour.  The Son of the Living God.

/john

 He is the mighty King, Master of everything
 His name is wonderful
 Jesus my Lord!

In recognition of St. Patrick's Day, this coming Sunday, March 17:

	Riddle:  What's green and only comes out in the Summer?



	Answer:  Patty O'Furniture.

    Dave Gauthier's reply to the question of daily prayer (1239.2) reminded me
    of this note that I copied from the CHRISTIAN note file a long time
    ago.  I hope it isn't already in CP somewhere.

            <<< GOLF::DISK$COMMON:[NOTES$LIBRARY]CHRISTIAN.NOTE;1 >>>
               -< ...by believing you may have life in His Name >-
================================================================================
Note 808.6                     Thought For the Day                       6 of 15
ISLAND::RAPIEN "Crucified with Christ"              172 lines   9-JUL-1991 13:20
                             -< What if God..... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I decided that this Thought for the Day was to good not to share so with
your leave, here it is:

SOC Bill



IF GOD SHOULD SPEAK TO SOMEONE AS THEY WERE RECITING A PRAYER
=============================================================    
    
Disciple>   Our Father, who art in heaven....

God>        YES?

D>    You startled me.

G>    BUT YOU CALLED ME.

D>    Called you? I was just praying.

G>    WELL, HERE I AM, WHY DID YOU CALL?

D>    I didn't mean anything by it. I was you know, just saying my prayer for
      the day.

G>    GOOD. GO RIGHT ON.
    
D>    Hallowed be Thy name...

G>    WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

D>    By what?

G>    BY HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

D>    It means...it means..I don't know what it means. It's just part of the
      prayer. What does it mean?

G>    IT MEANS HONORED, HOLY, WONDERFUL.

D>    Thank you Lord...Thy kingdome come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is
      in heaven.

G>    DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

D>    Sure, why not?

G>    WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?

D>    Doing? Not much I guess. I just think it would be great if you got
      control of everything down here like you have up there.

G>    HAVE I GOT CONTROL OF YOU? 

D>    Well, I go to church 2 to 3 times each week.

G>    THAT ISN'T WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHAT ABOUT THOSE BAD HABITS YOU HAVE THAT
      YOU KNOW ARE IN DIRECT CONFLICT WITH MY DESIRE FOR YOU LIFE?
      ALSO , HOW ABOUT YOUR THREE T'S: TEMPER, THOUGHTS, AND TONGUE? YOU'VE
      GOT A PROBLEM THERE.

D>    But Lord, I'm as good as most of the people in church!

G>    *EXCUSE ME.* I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRAYING FOR *MY* WILL TO BE DONE. IF THAT
      IS TO HAPPEN, IT WILL HAVE TO START WITH THE ONES WHO ARE PRAYING FOR
      IT. LIKE YOU, FOR EXAMPLE.

D>    Oh, all right... I guess I do have some hang-ups....now that you
      mention it. You could probably name some others.

G>    GOOD. WE'LL WORK TOGETHER, YOU AND I. SOME TREMENDOUS VICTORIES CAN
      TRULY BE WON. I'M PROUD OF YOU.

D>    Look Lord, I need to finish up here, this is taking alot longer than it
      usually does. Give us this day our daily bread...

G>    YOU NEED TO CUT OUT THE BREAD. YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT AS IT IS.

D>    Hey, what is this, criticize me day?

G>    PRAYING IS A DANGEROUS THING. YOU COULD WIND UP CHANGED, YOU KNOW.
      THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET ACROSS TO YOU. YOU CALLED ME, AND HERE I
      AM. IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP NOW..KEEP ON PRAYING. I'M INTERESTED IN THE
      NEXT PART OF YOUR PRAYER...WELL, GO ON.

D>  I'm afraid.

G>  AFRAID OF WHAT?

D> I know what you will say.

G> TRY ME AND SEE.
  
D>    And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors...

G>    WHAT ABOUT -------?

D>    See, I knew it! I knew you would bring ------ up! Why Lord. You know
      the lies that have been told about me, and they continue until this
      very day. I have lost friends because of ----, not to mention what has
      been done to my reputation. I know it was wrong to swear to get even
      with ---- but...

G>    FORGIVE ----. THEN I WILL FOGIVE YOU. THEN THE HATE AND SIN WILL BE
      ----'S PROBLEM AND NOT YOURS. YOU WILL HAVE SETTLE THE MATTER IN YOUR
      OWN HEART AND BEFORE MY THRONE.

D>     But Lord, I can't forgive -----.

G>    THEN I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU.

D>    Oh you are right. You always are. And more than I want revenge on ----,
      I want to be right with you. Alright, alright, I forgive -----. I want
      to walk the right road in life. I'm tired of always feeling miserable.
      Now that I think about it, no one can cause me to feel miserable
      without my permisssion. But, please help me Lord, to let my actions do
      the talking in showing my forgiveness. I am really going to need your 
      help, your grace and your Spirit.

G>    THERE NOW. WONDERFUL!HOW DO YOU FEEL!

D>    Hmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at all. In fact I feel pretty good! You
      know, I don't think I'll have to go to bed uptight tonight for the
      first time in a long time. Maybe I won't be so tired from now on
      because I'm not getting enough rest.

G>    YOU'RE NOT THROUGH WITH YOUR PRAYER, GO ON.

D>    Oh, alright. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

G>    GOOD! I'LL DO THAT. JUST DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BE
      TEMPTED.

D>    I don't understand.

G>    SURE YOU DO. YOU HAVE DONE IT ALOT OF TIMES. YOU GET CAUGHT IN A BAD
      SITUATION. YOU GET INTO TROUBLE AND THEN YOU COME RUNNING TO ME. LORD
      HELP ME OUT OF THIS MESS AND I PROMISE YOU I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. YOU
      REMEMBER SOME OF THOSE BARGINS YOU TRIED TO MAKE WITH ME, DON'T YOU?

D>    Yes, and good grief. I'm ashamed. Lord, I really am.

G>    WHICH BARGINS ARE YOU REMEMBERING?

D>    Oh come on Lord...give me a break! I'm sorry Lord, I really am.

G>    GO AHEAD AND FINISH YOUR PRAYER.

D>    For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever and
      ever.
G>    DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY? WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY?

D>    No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you. I can see what a real
      mess I've made out of my life. And I can see how great it would really
      be if I was truly one of your followers.

G>    YOU JUST ANSWERED MY QUESTION.

D>    I did?

G>    YES, THE THING THAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY IS TO HAVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
      TRULY LOVE ME. AND I SEE IT HAPPENING BETWEEN US, NOW THAT SOME OF
      THOSE SINFUL ATTITUDES ARE EXPOSED AND OUT OF THE WAY...THERE'S NO
      TELLING WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER.

D>    Lord, let's see what we can make of me ok?

G>    YES! LETS SEE!

D>    amen.
    
    author unknown

    <--- I liked it.

On a bumper sticker....


	Jesus is coming.  Look busy.

-1

Won't help. Too late at that point. 8*)

    A true story:  A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam 
    for his graduate students.  It had one question:
   
    "Is hell exothermic or endothermic?  Support your answer with a proof." 
    
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law 
    or some variant.  One student, however wrote the following: 
   
    First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. 
    
    If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So, at what
    rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I 
    think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
    will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving. 
   
    As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that 
    exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you
    are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since, there 
    are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more 
    than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to 
    hell.
   
    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of 
    souls in hell to increase exponentially.
   
    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
    states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay 
    the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
    constant.
   
    So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls 
    enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
    until all hell breaks loose.
   
    Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of 
    souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell 
    freezes over.
   
    It was not revealed what grade the student got. 
   

    He'd get an F in theology class ;-)

    Tom, that was pretty good!! :-)

    I got it off the net.  Not original, but thanks :-)

A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates facing Saint Peter.
    
"In order to enter, you must be able to spell just one word," Peter
warns.

"What's the word?" he asks.

"Love," Peter says.

"L-O-V-E!"

"Come on in!" welcomes Peter.  "Oh, say," he adds, "I've got to talk with God
a minute.  Would you mind watching the gates for me?"

"No problem," says the new arrival.

After Peter's departure, who should the man see strolling up to the gate
but his own wife!

"Hi, Hon!" he exclaims.  "In order to enter, you must be able to spell just
one word....

Czechoslovakia!!"

Riddle:  What's Irish and only comes out in the Summer?




Patty O'Furniture!

;-)

    Chuckle!! :-)

  The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
 
  Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim
  her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
   -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
 
  Find a prostitute and marry her.
   -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
 
  Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
   -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
 
  Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
   -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
 
  Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one
  and carry her off to be your wife.
   -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
 
  Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
  you a rib.
   -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
 
  Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
  Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven
  years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. (That's
  right: fourteen years of toil for a woman.)
  -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
 
  Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
  get his daughter for a wife.
  -- David (I Samuel 18:27)
 
  Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
  definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
   -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
 
  Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
   -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
 
  When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
  seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
  decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
   -- Sampson (Judges 14:1-3)
 
  Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons
  though.)
   -- David (2 Samuel 11)
 
  Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good
  idea, it's the law.)
   -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
 
  Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
   -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
 
  A wife?...NOT!!!
   -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
 
  Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a
  whole bunch of people.
   -- Jesus (Revelation 15?) 

    For those with small children, you may appreciate this. I appologize
    for the length.
      
   Laws of Forbidden Places
  
          Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
  foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living
  room.
          Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat,
  but not in the living room.
          Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but
  not in the living room.
          Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats,
  and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance
  you may eat, but not in the living room.
          Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
  may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
          Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups,
  you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such
  therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins,
  of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
          But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then
  may you eat in the living room.
  
   Laws When at Table
  
          And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
  greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
  Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is
  an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
  your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
          Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils,
  nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you
  will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
          When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
  table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your
  face in order
  to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
          When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
  swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is
  within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done
  the same to you.
          Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize
  the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
  lips.  I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
          And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw
  not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
  why.
          And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
  stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
          Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the
  other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.  Heed me; for if you sit
  like that, your hair will go into the syrup.  And now behold, even as I have
  said, it has come to pass.
  
    Laws Pertaining to Dessert
  
          For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
  clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
          But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most
  of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not
  less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you
  have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls
  eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
          But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
  still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
  potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion
  thereof.
          And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around
  with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will
  fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
  
    On Screaming
  
          Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are
  given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
  touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point
  to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream
  not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
  fault.
          Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
  herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
  loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
  Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not
  that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
  fingers to your nose.  For even not I have made the fish as it should be;
  behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
  
    Concerning Face and Hands
  
          Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
  hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you;
  even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast
  pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments
  are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
          Only hold yourself still;  hold still, I say. Give each finger in its
  turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they
  appear. What I do is as it must be;  and you shall not go hence until I have
  done.
  
   Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
  
          Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own
  bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread,
  even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any
  building; nor eat sand.
          Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
  afflict it with tape?  And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor
  stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness.
  Nor forget what I said about the tape.
  
   Complaints and Lamentations
  
          O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must
  do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I
  do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometime do you
  spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall
  and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.
          And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for
  more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all
  day, so mighty am I in anger.  But upon being sent to the corner you ask
  straight-away, "Can I come out?"  and I reply, "No, you may not come
  out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again
  a third time, then you may come out.
          Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay
  again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher
  than before.
          For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty
  talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred
  deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year.  And yet for
  ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the
  teeth within our mouths.  Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for
  surely you cannot know.
          For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth
  of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month
  of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with
  wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts.
          And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until
  you are twenty-one.  Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O Children
  of me.

    .67  Cute! :-)
    
    Richard
    

From a friend of mine:

I found this story on the net.  It is fictional.  However, it sounds
like someone I really knew in college.



The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on
the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an
uplifting experience followed! 

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That
bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. 

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY
love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and
yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game
with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!" 

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and
waved and smiled to all of those loving people. 

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could
hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him
waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. 

I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked
at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good
luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck
sign back. 

Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and
yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,
"Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from
Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet
they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had
changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. 

And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across
the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way
out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
good luck sign as I drove away. 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

    I have one on both of my vehicles showing the Jesus fish swallowing the
    Darwin fish.

Subject: Fwd: (Fwd) Humor: Fish Symbols on Cars....
Importance: Normal
X-Mailer: Connect2-SMTP 4.30.b7A MHS/SMF to SMTP Gateway

******************* Start of Forwarded Message *****************

------- Forwarded Message Follows -------

Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper 
Sticker 
Or More Subtle Fish Symbol On Your Car


10) "Let's stop that car and ask those people how we can become 
Christians"

9)  "Don't worry, Billy. Those people are Christians. 
     They must have a good reason for driving 90 miles per hour"

8)  "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of
     Spirit-filled  brothers and sisters"

7)  "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian Couple
     with a brand new BMW?"

6)  "How come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?"
    
    "Son, that driver is a Christian. God probably protects
     him from getting arrested"

    "Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that?"

5)  "Stay clear of those folks, Martha.  If they get raptured, 
     that car's gonna be all over the road!"

4)  "Oh look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus 
     with a police officer"

3)  "No, that's not garbage coming out of the windows, Bert; 
     it's probably gospel tracts for road workers"

2)  "Oh boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's
cars"

1)  "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus"



(from The Door July/August 1996)

The Bells
[email protected]
Tel:(593-7)83.74.55
Casilla 01.01.1193
Cuenca - Ecuador

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