Conference 7.286::golf

    Hear about the golfer who was 85 years old and had trouble with
    his eyesight so he couldn't see the ball? Well, one day he brought
    with him his best friend to the course. His friend was 95, but his
    eyesight was perfect, so he should be able to see where his friend's
    ball went.
    Well, the first guy hit his tee shot, and of course he couldn't
    see where it ended up, so he asked the other guy.
    - Did you see my ball?
    - Sure!
    - Well, man, where is it?
    - I don't remember...
    
    
    / P-O, the moderator, also an average player...

    Joe Blow "serious weekend hacker" was getting alot of grief from his
    "better half" for spending his weekend on the golf course,
     
    so he decided to take his wife along the next time......
    
    It was a beautiful Saturday morning and his wife was happy to be
    along.
     
    They came to the 12th, a tricky dog leg to the left with a equipment
    barn between the tee and green out about 275 yards.  So Joe decides
    to "let out the shaft a little" and try to "fly" the barn.
    
    Boom!! "dead square center" a sweet drive.  But the ball caught the barn
    and ended up "in jail" behind the barn.
                                           
    Joe's wife being of sound mind saw a solution. "OPEN BOTH DOORS
    ON EITHER END AND HIT THROUGH THE BARN".
    
    Joe ponders, "Well if I keep my hands infront of the ball, use a 5
    iron, move the ball up in my stance("like Jack says")", it can be
    done.
    
    So Mrs. Joe walks around the barn to open the far door.
    Joe is deep in concentration.  Getting every thing lined up, hands
    forward, ball back in stance....
    
    Mrs. Joe is tired of waiting and steps out to see whats taking so
    long.  Crack!, a beautiful shoot........ But Mrs Joe stops the
    ball with here head.
    
    Well the next Saturday, after the funeral on Wednesday, Joe needs
    to "Get Back in the Saddle" and play golf again.
    
    He is back on old number 12 with the dog leg and the barn.  Just
    to prove he can do it he is going to "carry" the barn this time.
    
    BOOM!! but not quite good enough, in nearly the same spot as last
    week.   He partner says, "Hey I will go around and open the back
    door and you and hit through".
    
    
    "No way... the last time I tried that I ended up three over on the
    back nine".
                           
    Ed "always waiting for a 'hacker' joke" Hacker

    Two Scottish golfers are just about to putt out on the 16th green,
    which is adjacent to a road, when suddenly a funeral procession
    passes by. Whereupon one of the golfers, Mr. McGregor, interrupts
    his putting, takes off his hat and bows to the procession.
    His partner says, "That was really gentlemanly of you - paying your
    respects like that!"
    McGregor: "Well, she WAS my wife for 25 years..."

    
     A GOLFER APPROACHED A PAR 3(185 YDS.- WATER HAZARD IN FRONT OF
    GREEN). HAVING NO CONFIDENCE IN CARRYING THE WATER, HE REPLACED HIS
    NEW BALL WITH AN OLD BALL FROM HIS SHAG BAG, AND STEPPED TO THE TEE.
    
     AS HE ADDRESSED THE BALL, A LOUD BOOMING VOICE ERUPTED FROM THE
    HEAVENS.
    
       " USE A NEW BALL"
    
     THE GOLFER STEPPED BACK FROM THE TEE, REPLACED THE OLD BALL WITH
    THE ORIGINAL NEW BALL, AND AGAIN STEPPED TO THE TEE. AS HE ADDRESSED
    THE BALL FOR THE SECOND TIME, A LOUD BOOMING VOICE, AGAIN, ERUPTED
    FROM THE HEAVENS.
    
       " TAKE A PRACTICE SWING"
    
     THE GOLFER COMPLIED BY TAKING A PRACTICE SWING.
  
      
    A LOUD BOOMING VOICE, AGAIN, ERUPTED FROM THE HEAVENS.
    
    
       " USE AN OLD BALL"
    

  A Business man while out of town decided to play a little golf after a 
short work day.  He did not know any golfers in this town so he decided to 
go out to the course and get pared up there.  When he arrived there were no 
guys ready to play but there was a very nice looking lady waiting for a 
foursome.  He decided (at the suggestion of the club) to pair up with the 
lady.  While playing the first 17 holes the two got to be real chummy but
were shooting as poor a game as either had seen in years.  They were both 
getting very frustrated with their games.  On the 18th a par 4 the game was 
about to finish on a good note as they both were on in 2.  When they 
arrived on the green they saw that this was the worst green that either had 
ever seen.  This green slopped away from the cup with a very rolling surface.
He was about twenty-nine feet away and she twenty-six.  He looked over the 
green and was very frustrated.  He said, "If I make this shot I'll buy us 
dinner tonight."  He hit and the ball rolled over the bump down through 
the grove around the short hill and up passed the cup and slowed.  Just as 
it looked as though he had missed the put, the slope of the green helped
and the ball rolled back into the cup.  He made a great shot.  Not to be 
outdone the lady tried to line up her shot.  She said, "If I make this
shot I'll invite you to my place for drinks after dinner."  The guy 
interrupted her put saying, "Wait! Let me help you line up the shot."
He walked all over the green trying to find the groove.  He suddenly smiled
walked over to the ball, grabbed it up and said, "That is a gimmy if I ever 
saw one."

    
    	An avid, yet average, golfer was out playing one day, when his
    ball went into a sand trap.  As he entered the trap to play his
    shot, he noticed a shiny object.  Upon digging it up, he noticed
    it was a lamp.  He rubbed the lamp, and to his amazement, a genie
    appeared.  
    	"Since you have released me from my lamp, I will grant you anything
    you wish, but I must warn you, your sex life will suffer for 1 year."
    
    	The golfer thought for a moment, then replied, "That's ok, I
    can handle it.  I want to be the world's greatest golfer."
    
    	"Ok, " said the genie, "you're now the worlds greatest golfer",
    and he disappeared back into the lamp.
    
    	The golfer took his sand shot, and to his amazement, it went
    in the hole.  For the next year, it was as the genie said, he was
    the world's greatest golfer.
    
    	A year later, the man was playing the same course again, and
    the ball again went into the sand trap.  As he entered the trap,
    he again noticed the lamp, so he picked it up and rubbed it.  Sure
    enough, the genie appeared.  He looked at the golfer and asked,
    "You were here last year weren't you.  No one has ever come back
    a second time.  Tell me, did your sex life really suffer?"
    
    Man - Well, I did only have sex 5 times last year ... but that's
    not too bad for a priest from a small parish.

    
    	One day these two golfers, Jesus and Moses were out on the fifth
    	hole.  Jesus was lining up a shot.  There happened to be a large
    	water hazard directly in front of the hole. Moses said here
    	is the nine , go over in two. Jesus said no, Jack Nicklaus uses
    	a five iron, I can use the five iron.  Jesus hits the ball,
    	and *splash* the ball goed into the drink.  Jesus shouts, Moses,
    	go get that ball.  Moses goes over and parts open the water,
    	and retrieves the ball, sets the water back, and gives the ball
    	back to Jesus.  Moses says "OKAY are you going to use the nine?"
    	Jesus says "NO, I am going to use the five. Jack used it I can
    	use it".  Again the ball goes * splash * into the drink.  Moses
    	goes over, parts the water, and gets the ball.
    
    	Moses goes back and says, "okay now what ?" Jesus insists that
    	he uses the five.  Moses says "OKAY be that way, but if the
    	ball goes in the water, your going to get it."
    
    	Jesus hits the ball, and "plop", right into the water.  Sure
    	enough, Moses says no way I'm not going to get the ball.", So
    	Jesus starts walking across the water to get tha ball when some
    	golfer comes out to Moses, and says "Who does he think he is,
    	Jesus Christ", and Moses says
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    		NO, JACK NICKLAUS.

	On yet another beautiful golfing afternoon, Jesus and Moses
    were out to get in 18 holes on there favorite course. The number
    1 hole was a par 5, 545 yard challenge. Moses was first to tee off
    and as usual smacked a beautiful drive right down the middle of
    the fairway approx. 320 yards. Moses was a low handicapper. Moses,
    after witnessing the drive, smiled at Jesus and said, "your up".
    Jesus adressed his ball, cocked back for a booming drive and proceeded
    to hit it in the mouth and send it dribbling out about 50 yards.
    Just before the ball came to rest a squirrel came and picked up
    the ball and started heading for the woods. Just as the squirrel
    reached the edge of the woods an eagle swooped down and grab the
    squirrel with the ball still in his mouth. The eagle carrying the
    squirrel sailed by the green and at that moment the squirrel dropped
    the ball on the green. Just then the ground started to shake and
    the ball began to roll for the cup; Jesus had scored a ace on the
    par 5 first hole. 
    
    	Moses after witnessing this looked at Jesus and said, "alright,
    are we here to play golf or just to screw around". 

    Joke I heard on the way into work this morning:
    
    A Pro is giving a golf lesson to a woman on the tee.  She swings
    the club and dubs the ball.  The Pro sees that the problem is with
    her grip of the club and says to her, "Try holding the club like
    you hold your husband's....(you know)"
    "Oh" says the lady- takes out her driver using the new grip and hits
     one 250 yards.
    "That's good", the Pro encourages, "but try taking the club out of 
    your mouth".
    

Next time you go out to play and it looks like there might be a thunder storm,
be sure to put a 1 iron in your bag, 'cause everyone knows...

even GOD can't hit a 1 iron!

    	These 2 golfers were playing 1 day and the first guy hits his
    drive and slices it into the woods.  The secong guy says, "to bad,
    that ones long gone."  The first guy responds, "Not that ball, it's
    specially made.  Every time you hit it in the rough, it makes a
    humming noise so you can locate it."  The second guy says, "Yeah,
    but that one's not in the rough, it's deep in the woods!!!"  The
    first guy continues to tell him that you cannot lose this ball.
    The deeper the rough or woods it is in, the louder it hums.  Also,
    if you hit it in the water, the ball floats.  The second guy says
    thats amazing!  Where did you ever get a ball like that?  And the
    first guy says "I found it!!!!!!!!"
    

    One afternoon two of the local golfers were enjoying a drink after
    their weekly outing when one of the pair began to comment on the
    length of drives in the foursome behind them. The other, in his
    one upmanship manner, told his friend that he had a gorilla that
    could really smack the ball. In fact he regularly aced the 440 yard
    first hole. His friend could not believe what he heard and challenged
    his playing partner to bring his gorilla for a match next week.
    
    On the first tee the next week the challenger stepped up and said
    I'll bet you $10.00 I can beat your gorilla. His partner accepted
    the bet and allowed the challenger to tee off first. The challenger
    hit a beautiful drive 260 yards straight up the middle of the fairway.
    The gorilla then took his club and drove like a gorilla and scored
    another ace. The challenger was amazed and conceded the rest of
    the round right then. As we was pulling out his billfold, he asked
    his playing partner, "How does he putt?"
    
    His playing partner responded after he pocketed the $10.00, "Same
    way he drives...440 yards."
     

Here are two short ones I heard a long time ago :

-- You fool! You almost hit my wife with that shot!
-- Sorry old chap!  Here, take a shot at mine!

***************************************************

-- Did you hear that the board fined me $50 for hitting my wife with a 9-iron?
-- Really, for conduct unbecoming a gentleman?
-- No, for using the wrong club.
    

This note has been moved from 47.0, where it was placed by mistake.

Mr. Litby

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Note 47.0                 Trevino said it, Why can't I                   1 reply
SWIFT::SPILLANE "Dave Spillane UK VAX CSSG"          29 lines  10-OCT-1986 19:02
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    
    	Two golfers who always played together turned up at their club
    for their weekly match.
    Both were less than happy with their normal performance on the course
    and would have given anything for a decent score for a change, normally
    their rivalry overcame their concern at breaking a 100.
    However, this one day they decided that there was one sure way that
    they could play and get a good score.
    It was agreed... they would play with an imaginary ball each.

    So Fred steps up to the first tee, shapes up (no ball) swings his
    driver........ and says "There it goes right down the middle !!".
    Jim follows him, in the same manner, swings .... and says "What
    a beauty, down the left fading back to miss that bunker !!".
    
    Well, you can guess what the rest of the round was like, they came
    to the last hole , all square at 10 under par, feeling very pleased
    with themselves.
    
    Jim teed off, swung his driver, and shouted "My word ( or similar)
    What a drive ! Best I've hit all day... Greg Norman would be proud
    of that". Fred follows " Holy Cow ! Mine has ended up just alongside
    yours !". So Jim swings for his second shot and says " Great, on
    the green, 10 foot from the hole". Fred follows " Straight at the
    flag, I'm 10 foot away too !".
    They get to the green , Jim takes his putter motions a stroke and
    says " Straight in, what a round, I guess we share the match", at
    which Fred says " Sorry, old boy.... you just played my ball! "

	 This note,  from  Dave Hall (RDGENG::DHALL),  was  placed into its 
	 own topic by  mistake (mis-clubbed?) so I moved it here.

			-- Mr Litby

	 -------------------------------------------------------------------
	 
	"Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls"

             This maybe an old joke but here goes.
            
  One day I was playing golf with a friend and he produced this bright
  red golf ball.Thats a strange ball I said.Yes he replied its brilliant.
  If it lands in water it floats to the top and lets off a flare,so you
  can never lose it in water."Thats great" I answered."Not only that"
  he continued "If it goes into the rough it hovers 6 feet of the ground
  and lets off a high pitch siren,If it lands and you dont find it within
  5 minutes it flashes very brightly,so you can never lose it."
  "Amazing" I replied,"where did you get it from?"
  "I found it"was his reply????       

    There were these three fellows playing a round of golf; Jesus, Moses,
    and an old man. The 7th hole was a par 3, 212 yarder, with a rather
    large pond just in front of the green.  Moses takes his 3 iron out,
    steps up and hits a low drive.  As the just as the ball was about
    to roll into the water, the water parted and the ball rolled through
    and up onto the green.  Jesus and the old man said, "nice shot",
    and moses replyed, "thanks".
    
    Now, Jesus takes his 3 wood and hits a nice straight drive that
    also heads for the pond.  Just before his ball gets to the pond,
    it sprouts legs and walks across the water, up onto the green, and
    sits down next to the hole.  Moses and the old man say, "nice shot".
    
    The old man steps up the tee with a 9 iron, swings and slices it
    over into the bushes.  As the ball was about to come to a stop,
    a sqirrel runs out, picks up the ball and starts running.  Then
    an eagle swoops down and piks up the sqirrel, flies ove the green,
    and right then gets hit by lightning.  The eagle drops the sqirrel,
    the squirrel hits the geen and drops the ball, and it rolls right
    in the cup.  Jesus says, "nice shot Dad."
    
    Cary "Love my 5 wood" Davidson
    
    
    
    
    

Question: Why'd the golfer have 2 pairs of pants?
    
    Answer: In case he got a hole-in-one.
    
    Tom "All things considered, I'd rather be golfing" Wolklin

    Let's try this one:
    
    I attended a golf convention in San Diego over the winter and was
    somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed
    on golfers, in particular, late afternoon league golfers.   This
    study indicated that the single gentlemen who play in these leagues
    are "skinnier" than the married ones.  The way this fact was determined
    was as follows:  the single golfer goes out and plays his round
    of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes
    to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed.
     the married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a
    "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds
    nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.........

    This fellow leaves for the course around 6am for his usual round
    on Sunday. At 9pm he returns home to his wife who asks "Why for
    heavens sake are you returning home a this ungodly hour?". Her 
    husband responds "I had a *horrible* day at the course today. Harry
    had a heart attack on the fourth hole this mourning!" His wife 
    responds, "Oh Honey!, You must be devastated!" Her husband replied,
    "You bet! All day long it was, hit the ball..drag Harry..hit the.."

    Young up & comming DEC engineer arranged to play golf with his boss.
    They both turned up at the first tee on time but the boss had taken
    along his pet dog. Trying to impress the boss the young lad offered
    to drive first. He completly duffed his drive the ball just leaving
    the tee. The boss stepped up and cracked a beaut, 260yds middle
    fairway. At this point the little dog stood on its rear legs and
    clapped his front paws together in frenzied excitment.
        The young lad couldn't beleive. He recovered his position with
    his next shot playing safe with a five iron. He then placed his
    next shot to within 4oyds of the green. They then reached the boss's
    original drive from where he struck the ball to the edge of the
    green. Sure enough the dogs trick was repeated, only this time he
    whistled God Save The Queen whislt clapping. The Young Lad turned
    to his boss and said
    "Thats a very clever dog you"ve got there but what does he do when
    you play a bad shot?"
    
    The boss sternly repleid
    "Summersaults"
    
    "Amazing" said the young lad "How many?"
    
    The boss looked the young lad in the eye and said
    " That depends on how hard I kick him!!!!!!!"
    
    Not bad for my first entry to this notes file eh???

    This is suppose to be a true story.
    During a practice round of the British Open a few years back an
    American pro, playing for the first time with a english caddy, stood
    out in the middle of the fairway trying to decide what club to hit.
    He turns to his caddy and ask "Can i get there with a 5 iron?"
    The wisecracking caddy's respone.. "Eventually".

    God was looking down on his kingdom one sunday when he saw a
    priest playing Golf on his own.
    
    "It's Wicked, playing golf on the sabbath" he said to Archangel
    Gabriel, " I shall have to punish him"
    
    So, at the next hole, a 510 yard par 5, god says "Watch This"
    
    The priest then hits his tee shot, which flies through the air
    in a perfect parabola, bounces twice on the green and drops into
    the hole.
    
    "But how is that a punishment! " says Gabriel,
    
    "Who is going to believe him ?" says God.

    A woman was cleaning out her attic one day, and she came across
    a cigar box containing four golf balls and $400 in cash.  She called
    her husband up to the attic and asked him to explain the box and
    its mysterious contents.
    
    "Well, dear," he said, "Each time I've cheated on you, I've put
    a golf ball in that box."
    
    "You cad! You philanderer!" replied his wife.  After a moment, she
    calmed down and said, "Dear, since we've been married for 25 years,
    I guess your cheating on me four times isn't that bad...I forgive
    you.  But tell me, where did the $400 come from?"
    
    "Everytime I got a dozen balls, I'd sell them!" he said.

    What does it mean when you find a par golfer buried up to his chin
    in sand?
    
    
    Someone ran out of sand!
    

    	A golfer slices his ball into a patch of butter-cups.  As he
    gets to his ball, he picks it up and takes a penalty, dropping it
    in the rough just behind the patch of butter-cups.  His opponent,
    seeing this, asks him why, when he could have played it as it lied
    with no penalty, since it wasn't O.B. and there were no signs saying
    not to play it from there.  The 1st guy replies, "The butter-cups
    were so pretty and all, I didn't want to destroy any".  Right then
    a voice from above boomed out saying, "That was a very nice thing
    to do, saving those butter-cups.  I will reward you by supplying
    you with a years supply of butter".  To which the 1st golfer said,
    "That's great, but where were you last week, when I hit into the
    patch of pussy-willows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
    
                                                         Beak

    A silly one.
    
    A man marries a beautiful woman, that was once married to Ben 
    Crenshaw. On the first night of the honeymoon he makes love to
    her and then reaches for the telephone in the hotel room.
    
    She says, "What are you doing?"
    He replies, "Calling room service for a little snack."
    She: "Ben wouldn't have done that."
    He: "Oh really? What would he have done?"
    She: "He'd have made love to me again."
    
    So now the man, not to be shown up, makes love again. 
    Again he reaches for the phone.
    She: "Ben wouldn't have done that. He'd have made love
    again to me."
    
    Well, the man goes to the bathroom, splashes water on his face,
    takes a few deep breaths, goes back and feebly makes love again.
    Now, tired he reaches for the phone.......
    
    She: "Calling for room service, dear?"
    
    
    He: "No. I am calling Ben Crenshaw. I want to find out what
         is par for this hole."
    
    __________________________________I'd rather be three putting
                                       than working.................
    
    

    Two women were on the practice green when the clubhouse caught
    fire.  Everyone ran out, including a man who was taking a shower.
    In his haste to escape, all he had time to do was place a water soaked
    towel over his head to protect himself from the smoke.  The first woman
    looked over and said "that isn't my husband", to which the second replied
    "heck, he isn't even a member!"

    Gary_who_against_his_better_judgement_has_just_taken_up_the_sport_again_
    after_twenty_years_of_playing_one_round_every_two_years_Lord_help_me

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Note 326.0              Dave Barry on golf, humor article                1 reply
WORDS::NISKALA "Born ona mountain, raised ina cave" 110 lines  12-JUL-1988 11:39
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Note 435.0                        Dave on Golf                        No replies
PARITY::LANGR "Russ Lang, Tewksbury A18"            111 lines  12-JUL-1988 11:04
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                GREEN SWINGER MAY NEED TIME TO IRON OUT HIS GAME

                                 by Dave Barry

 
                       The San Diego Union, July 9, 1988
                      Copyright Knight-Ridder News Service
                              - without permission


 
          Up to this point I never considered myself a golf kind of  guy. 
       Whenever  I  thought of golf, I thought of  guys  telling  endless 
       droning anecdotes about "bogeys" and wearing pants that had to  be 
       manufactured in total darkness so they would not cause the textile 
       workers to go blind and insane. I thought of the times I tried  to 
       watch professional golf on television, where the entire show seems 
       to  consist  of  a golfer frowning into  the  distance  while  two 
       announcers hold an interminable whispered conversation like this:
 
          First announcer: He's lying about 18 yards from the green  with 
       a 14 mile-per-hour wind out of the northeast, a relative  humidity 
       of 72 percent and a chance of afternoon or evening thundershowers. 
       He might use a nine-iron here, Bob.
 
          Second  announcer: Or possibly an eight, Bill. Or even --  this 
       makes me so excited that I almost want to speak in a normal  voice 
       -- a seven.
 
          First announcer: Or he could just keep on frowning into  space. 
       Remember that one time we had a professional golfer frown for five 
       solid  hours, never once hitting a ball, us whispering  the  whole 
       time in between Buick commercials, and it turned out he'd had some 
       kind of seizure and died, standing up, gripping his sand wedge?
 
          Second  announcer:  In that situation, Bill, I'd  have  used  a 
       putter.
 
          So  for  most  of my life I ranked golf, as  a  sport,  several 
       notches below seeing how loud I could burp, and I avoided all golf 
       courses that did not have little motorized windmills on them.  But 
       lately  I  have  noticed,  especially after  parties,  that  I  am 
       approaching middle age at speeds upward of 250 per hour, and  I've 
       decided that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing, getting into a 
       sport where the most physically demanding activity is setting  the 
       parking brake on the cart. So I called my neighbor, Paul Williams, 
       who  is  an  avid golfer in the sense that if  he  had  to  choose 
       between  playing  golf and achieving permanent world  peace,  he'd 
       want  to know how many holes. Paul said sure, he'd take me to  his 
       club.
 
          Before  I  went,  I took a lesson in The  Miami  Herald  sports 
       department  from  Larry Dorman, the golf writer,  who  showed  me, 
       using  a ruler, the Secret Grip that golfers use. He also gave  me 
       some helpful pointers on my swing, the main one being: "That's not 
       how  you  swing."  In just a few minutes  of  instruction,  I  was 
       transformed from a person who basically knew nothing about golf to 
       a person who was ready to make a fool out of himself.
 
          Looking back on it, I think that my biggest mistake, out on the 
       actual  golf  course,  was that I didn't  stick  with  the  ruler. 
       Instead,  I  tried to use golf clubs, which I  had  not  practiced 
       with.  And  as if THAT wasn't enough of a handicap, Paul,  a  real 
       stickler  for the rules, insisted that I use a ball, an aspect  of 
       golf that Dorman, in the lesson, had failed to even mention.
 
          So  the way it went was this: First Paul would suggest a  club. 
       "Try  a five-iron here," he'd say, as if he honestly  believed  it 
       would make a difference. Then, with a straight face, he'd give  me 
       very  specific directions as to where I should hit the ball.  "You 
       want to aim it about 2 1/2 yards to the right of that fourth  palm 
       tree," he'd say, pointing at a palm tree that I could not hit with 
       a Strategic Defense Initiative laser. I'd frown, pro-golfer-style, 
       at  this tree, then I'd haul off and take a violent swing  at  the 
       ball, taking care to keep my head down, which is an important part 
       of  your  golf stroke because it gives you a legal excuse  if  the 
       ball winds up lodged in somebody's brain.
 
          Sometimes,  after  my  swing, the ball would  still  be  there, 
       surrounded  by  a miniature scene of devastation, similar  to  the 
       view  that  airborne politicians have of federal  disaster  areas. 
       Sometimes the ball would be gone, which was the signal to look  up 
       and  see  how hard Paul was trying not to laugh.  Usually  he  was 
       trying  very hard, which meant the ball had gone about as  far  as 
       you  would  hide an Easter egg from a small  child  with  impaired 
       vision. Then Paul would hit his ball approximately as far as Guam. 
       He  always  tried to get his ball into the hole via  the  shortest 
       route, whereas I -- drawing on my experience as the father of a 7-
       year-old  --  was more lenient, allowing my ball  to  explore  and 
       discover  interesting new challenges, the result being that,  even 
       keeping  my head down, I saw a great deal of the golf  course  and 
       received many friendly stares from fellow golfers.
 
          By  stopping only once for beer, we were able to complete  nine 
       entire holes in less time than it would have taken us to  memorize 
       "Moby  Dick"  in  Korean. Paul and I agreed that  nine  holes  was 
       plenty  for  a  person  with  my  particular  level  of  liability 
       insurance, so we headed back to the clubhouse for additional beer, 
       which I managed to drink as though I'd been doing it all my  adult 
       life. The trick is to keep your head up.
 
 

                    <<< USER$1:[NOTES$LIBRARY]GOLF.NOTE;1 >>>
                               -< The Good Game >-
================================================================================
Note 326.1              Dave Barry on golf, humor article                 1 of 1
MTWAIN::F_MCGOWAN                                     7 lines  13-JUL-1988 06:43
                            -< Golf's a funny game >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    See also "Man Of Irons," by Leigh Montville, which appeared in a
    recent Sunday Globe Magazine. Definitely on a par with Dave's piece
    (yes, "on a par" was intentional). If you can't laugh about all
    those duffed shots, you'll surely go mad! Or, worse, quit the game
    altogether...
    
    	Frank

    Did you hear the one about the women that was playing golf one day?
    She teed off #1 and in about 20-30 minutes came storming into the
    clubhouse.  She walks up to the pro and shouts, "I JUST GOT STUNG BY A
    BEE BETWEEN THE FIRST AND SECOND HOLE!"  The pro calmly replied...
    


    "Obviously your stance is too wide."
    
    

     
    A women stockbroker had made millions of dollars for an Arabian
    oil sheik. He was so pleased he offered her rubies, gold and a
    silver-plated Rolls-Royce. She declined the gifts telling him she
    had merely done her job. But the sheik insisted.
    
    "Well," the woman said, "I've recently taken up golf. A set of golf
    clubs would be a fine gift."
    
    Weeks went by. One morning the stockbroker received a letter from
    him.
    
    "So far I have bought you three golf clubs," it said, "but I hope
    you will not be disappointed because only two of them have swimming
    pools."

A man and his wife were lying in bed. The wife coyishly asks "Honey, if I were
to die, do you think you'd remarry?" 
The husband, not exactly liking this predicament, but wanting to be honest, 
says "Well, uh, yes, I guess I probably would."
The wife says, "Well if you did, would you keep this same house?"
The husband says, "Well, it is a pretty good house, and its almost paid for, 
I guess I would keep this house."
   "What about my jewelry? Would you keep it too?"
   "Well honey, you lose a lot of money selling off jewelry, and I bought you
    really fine stuff, so I guess I'd probably keep the jewelry too."
   "Well what about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them?"
   "Oh, heck no! She's left-handed!"

Two friends are golfing. Ahead of them is a pair of women who are playing 
extremely slowly. Finally the two men get frustrated. 
The first friend says: "I'm going up there to tell them to get moving or 
let us play through!" 
So he starts walking up the fairway, gets about half-way, then turns around
and walks back. 
The second friend asks: "What's the matter? Why didn't you talk to them?"
First friend answers: "I can't go up there! One of those women is my wife and
the other one is my mistress!" 
So the second friend says, "Okay, you stay here, I'll go talk to them." 
He starts walking up the fairway, gets about half-way, then suddenly stops
in his tracks, and turns around. 
The first friend asks, "What's the matter now?"
His friend replies, "Boy, it suuurrrrre is a small world."

    A golfer goes to confession one day to confess his sins.
    
    Golfer: Bless me Father for I have sinned.  I said the F word.
    Priest: Oh my son, that's terrible. You must tell me all about it.
    Golfer: Well Father, the other day I was out playing golf and on
    the fourth hole I teed off, and hit a terrible slice into the woods.
    Priest: Is that when you said the F word?
    Golfer: Oh no Father.  I actually found my ball and played it out
    of the woods.  Unfortunately, in my follow through, my club hit
    a tree and bent in half.
    Priest: Is that when you said the F word?
    Golfer: Oh no Father.  The ball ended up in the middle of the fairway.
    So I went out and played my third shot.  In my follow through the
    club flew out of my hand and hit my partner in the head, killing
    him.
    Priest: Is that when you said the F word?
    Golfer: Oh no Father.  Actually, my third shot ended up only three
    feet from the pin.
    Priest: Don't tell me you missed the F&$%@ing putt!!!

    A man goes golfing by himself and the course starter teams him up
    with a beautiful young blond woman.During the round, the two become
    very good friends. After the round has been completed, she invites
    him back to her apartment for a drink or two.  One thing leads
    to another and they end up making wild, passionate love. 
    He finally returns home 12 hours after he left to play that morning.
    His wife meets him at the door, and, very angrily asks him just
    where the hell he's been.
    
    Feeling very guilty of his affair, he proceeds to tell his wife
    the whole story of the other woman he met that day, their making
    love, etc.  
    
    After hearing his whole stroy, his wife replies:
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    you lying son of a b*tch, you played 36 holes today, didn't you????
    
    
    
    jake

    
    A man goes golfing by himself and the course starter teams him up
    with a beautiful young blond woman. During the round, the two become
    very good friends. (Sounds like the joke in 2.36 , but they split
    here). Well on the 18th hole (a long par 4) they both reach the
    hole in 2. The man's ball is about 30' from the hole and the young
    blonds is about 25'. The green is very slopey and has a few bumps
    in it to make the putts almost impossible. The man looks his putt
    over and just before he putts says to the blond, "If I make this
    putt, I'll take you out to dinner!!!". And proceeds to sink it.
    The blond gets ready to address her ball and proclaims, "If I make
    this put you can take me to bed!!" The man says to wait a minute
    and walks over to her ball. Eyes it up with the cup and says!!!
    
    "Looks like a gimme to me!!!"

  So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a 
fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so
they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
 
  "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."
 
  So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and
beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if
he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
 
  "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."
 
  The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're
getting ready to leave, George says:
 
  "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait
for me."
 
  Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message.
 
  After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he
says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten
minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"
 
  "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play
left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play
right-handed."
 
  "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

 
  "Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.

                    <<< USER$1:[NOTES$LIBRARY]GOLF.NOTE;1 >>>
                               -< The Good Game >-
================================================================================
Note 436.0                        Misunderstood                       No replies
AKOV12::ROBBERTZ                                     21 lines   8-NOV-1988 09:45
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
There's this old Scotsman standing on a beach on a remote
Scotish Island.  Well, far off in the ocean he spots a swimmer
swimming his way.  He waits, and the swimmer comes ashore.
She turns out to be an attractive woman in a wet suit, and
she approaches the Scot.
 
He asks "Where'd you swim from?"  And she points out her boat
far off shore.
 
She unzips her wetsuit a bit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
She asks him if he'd like a smoke.  He says, "I haven't smoked
in years," and accepts a cigarette.
 
Then she unzips her wetsuit a bit more and pulls out a flask.
She asks him if he'd like a drink.  He accepts saying, "I haven't
had really good Scotch wiskey in years."
 
She then unzips her wetsuit even farther and asks if he, "Like
to play a round."  He smiles and replies, "So you've got golf
clubs in there too?

The doctor looked quite amazed when this guy showed up at
the emergency room one Saturday afternoon with a golf club protruding from 
his ass "How the hell did that happen?" exclaimed the doc. "well doc its a 
long story but my wife and myself were out on the course this morning and
first I drove off the tee and the damn ball slices off to the right over the
fence and into farmer O'Grady's cow pasture. My wife tees off and surer than
s*** she does the same damn thing. Now of course I have to go find the balls
in the pasture. After about 15 minutes of searching I finnally find my ball
in a clump of cow dung. After another 15 minutes I give up looking for my wifes
ball and start to head back to the course. As I was passing this cow I had this
thought and just said what the hell.. I lifted up the cows tail and guess what?
There was a golf ball stuck smack in the middle of the cows tw%t. Now I wasn't
sure if it was definatly my wifes golfball or not so I yelled down to her on
course to look up here. When she turned and looked I lifted up the cows tail
and pointed to where the ball was and yelled




        "Hey honey, doesn't this one look like yours?"

    A very timely joke:
    
    Reporter to Dan Quayle, knowing he is a golfer.
    
    Reporter:  Mr.  VicePresident, I understand your score is in the high
    70s.
 
    DQ: So now you want  to  spread  the  rumor about my I.Q.  Didn't you
    have enough with the National Guard story?
    
    Tavo

    Now that  I  am  in  the  noting  mood, I bumped into this poem, when
    looking for Stow Acres phone no.  in the Guide to Massachusetts' Golf
    Courses;  it is  printed  in  the back cover.  It is very appropriate
    now when I took my clubs in the basement and  I  think they are going
    to stay there for the rest of the winter (I have said that to  myself
    about 5 times and we keep on having great weather).
    
    
                               THE STRANGER
                               
                              By J. P. McEvoy
                              

                        Who's that stranger, mother dear?
                        Look, he knows us... Ain't he queer?
                        
                        Hush my own, don't talk so wild;
                        He's your father, dearest child!
                        
                        He's my father? No such thing!
                        Father died away last Spring!
                        
                        Father didn't die, you dub!
                        Father joined a golfing club.
                        
                        But they've closed the club, so he
                        has no place to go, you see -
                        
                        No place left for him to roam -
                        that is why he's coming home.
                        
                        Kiss him... he won't bite you, child;
                        All them golfing guys look wild.
    
    
    
                        (Do we?)

    After reading  Gene's  quotes from the Greats, I was going to add the
    following there but decided, that this Jokes note was a better place.
    
    The following phrases  are  extracted again from the booklet "A Guide
    to Massachusetts' Golf Courses":
    
    There are less men today in the country plowing the fields with plows
    that with eight and nine irons.
    
    If lost, follow this procedure:    In  a  loud  voice  call out, "Did
    anybody lose a new Top-Flite?" - Reg Manning
    
    The least thing upset him on  the  links.    He  missed  short  putts
    because of the uproar of the butterflies. - P.J. Wodehouse
    
    In primitive society, when native tribes beat  the  ground with clubs
    and yell, it is called witchcraft;  in  civilized  society  is called
    golf.
    
    Another thing to be thankful for is that many  people  do their worst
    driving on the golf courses.
    
    The trouble with some golfers is that they stand to close to the ball
    - after they hit it.

    I remember watching Johnny Carson once when he had Arnold Palmer's
    wife on as a guest and he asked the following questions:
    
    Johnny:  So is Arnold superstitious, do you do anything for him
             before a major tournament?
    Mrs Palmer:  Well, I kiss his balls.
    
    Johnny:  I guess that really  made his putter stand out.
    

    
       I thought Johnny's line was "Ooooh, I bet that makes his putter
     flutter!".  Course, I never saw the show and heard it 2nd or 3rd
     hand.
    
    -rick

    
    Which ever one it was, it was good engough for a law suit.
    
    

    re the last two
    
    It also resulted in a rather handsome financial gain for Mrs. Palmer
    after she won the resulting lawsuit.
    
    JaKe
    

    Peter was just convicted of 1st degree murder, life imprisonment
    with no chance of parole for 25 years.  Peter was an avid golfer
    before his unfortunate circumstances.  Having just been thrown into
    his cell, his new room mate immediately began to ask him the usual
    questions.
    "What you in for?" his cell mate asked.
    
    "I killed my wife." Peter replied.
    
    "Oh yeah? What did you use?"
    
    "A golf club." said Peter
    
    "Which club?"
    
    "Seven iron."
    
    "How many strokes did it take?" asked the con.
    
    "Two."
    
    "How come it took you two strokes?"
    
    "I looked up."
    

    
    
    	Certain primitive tribes around the world have the strange
      	custom of beating the ground with clubs while making
    	bloodcurdling screams. Anthropologists call this
    	"Human Expression." In the United States we call it GOLF.
    
    			Pioneer, ARC, Fremont, NE via World
    			Radio via The Mike and Key
    
    

    I got this one with about 10 forward headers.  I heard/read it before
    but looked quickly in this note and couldn't find it, so here it is.
    
    Tavo
    
    
    An avid, yet average, golfer was out playing  one  day, when his ball
    went into a sand trap.  As he entered  the  trap to play his shot, he
    noticed  a shiny object.  Upon digging it up, he  noticed  it  was  a
    lamp.   He rubbed the lamp, and to his amazement, a  genie  appeared.
    "Since  you have released me from my lamp, I will grant you  anything
    you wish, but I must warn you, your sex life will suffer for 1 year."
    
    The  golfer  thought  for  a  moment, then replied, "That's ok, I can
    handle it.  I want to be the world's greatest golfer."
    
    "Ok," said the genie, "you're now the worlds greatest golfer", and he
    disappeared back into the lamp.

    The golfer took  his  sand shot, and to his amazement, it went in the
    hole.  For the  next  year,  it  was  as  the  genie said, he was the
    world's greatest golfer.
    
    A year later, the man was playing the same course again, and the ball
    again went into the sand trap.    As  he  entered  the trap, he again
    noticed the lamp, so he picked it up and rubbed it.  Sure enough, the
    genie appeared.  He looked at the golfer  and  asked,  "You were here
    last year weren't you.  No one has ever  come  back  a  second  time.
    Tell me, did your sex life really suffer?"

    "Well, I did only have sex 5 times last year...
    
    but that's not too bad for a priest from a small parish."

Harry Smartass is the resident bore at the Golf Club. Unfortunately he's also
not a bad player, a comfortable single figure man. He likes nothing better
than winning (although he never admits this), especially if there is money at
stake.

One sunday afternoon he is spotted by the Club steward "be-friending" the club
hacker on the putting green. The steward has seen this before and is not
surprised when Harry suggests they go out for a round. Harry graciously offers
the hacker a shot a hole (knowing full well he could probably give him 2 and
still win) and suggests a wager of �10 on the match (match play, of course).
The steward is a little surprised by the naievety of the hacker (a new member,
keen to make friends) who immediately accepts and suggests raising the stakes
to �20. The hacker also declines the strokes offered and instead requests that
he be given 2 gotchas. 

Now Harry hasn't a clue what a gotcha is but, being the smartass that he is,
there is no way he is going to admit that to this hacker, so he agrees. With
that they make their way to the first tee where Harry offers the honour to the
hacker (thinking that will be his only chance all the way round). The hacker
hits a short, sliced drive into the semi-rough up the right and steps back off
the tee. Up steps Harry, driver in hand trying to look the real pro. He goes
through his usual drill, addresses the ball, waggles and begins his backswing.
At this point, with Harry just beginning his self-publicised celebrated hip
turn, the hackers hand appears between his legs, takes firm grip of his manhood
accompanied by the cry of "GOTCHA!". Harry is completely unsettled and
snap-hooks into the trees. Much to Harry's embarassment, the small gallery
watching with steward break into uncontrolled laughter as the match moves off
the tee to begin their round.

A couple of hours later Harry staggers into the 19th looking very disturbed and
orders a large G and T. The steward is a little surprised, but sociably asks
how the game went. Harry goes pale, has another G and T, and replies in a quiet
voice, hoping nobody hears, that he was defeated 9 and 8. The steward can
hardly contain his laughter, but is truly amazed that the hacker did this
without any shots.

"What went wrong Harry? We saw what happened on the 1st but you only gave him 2
gotchas, how did he win ALL the holes?" inqired the steward.

"Listen, can you imagine what it's like waiting for the 2nd gotcha...",
explained Harry.
    

    Peter Alliss (UK commentator) had a good phrase that fits my game.
    He was describing Craig Parry's progress up the 18th at Wentworth
    in the (GB) PGA. As Parry hacked from one side of the fairway to
    the other, he called it "Army Golf" - left, right, left, right...

    	Heard on WVBF the other morn.....
    
    	Four golfers were playing and the first one mentions how much
    it cost him to get out this day. He had to give his wife $100 to
    go shopping so he could play. The second said "Hah, that's nothing,
    I had to promise my wife a weekend in Bermuda to get out." The third,
    not to be outdone, told them he had to buy his wife a full length
    mink coat to gain his freedom for the day. There wondering what
    the fourth will say and finally ask. He replied, "Nothing."
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    	"When I woke up, I asked my wife,  golf course or intercourse?"
    
    	"She said have a nice time and don't forget to bring a sweater......"

    
    	There was a golfer who was playing at the Country club in the town
    he had just moved to. He went out a shot a par 72 playing left handed.
    In the 19th hole the three men playing behind him introduced themselves
    and asked who he was, how long he has been playing, etc. etc. 
    
    	They concluded there conversation by agreeing to team up in the
    upcoming tournament. They agreed to meet at 8:00 the next morning to
    tee off. The new comer agreed, but stated he may be about a half hour
    late.
    
    	The next morning they all meet on the first tee at 8:00, and go off
    and play their round. The new comer again shoots a par 72, but this
    time he was golfing right handed. In the 19th hole the group discussed
    their round and planned to meet one more time, again at 8:00. The new
    comer agreed, but stated he may be a half hour late.
    
    	As the new comer was leaving, one of the members asked him about
    his ambidextorous(sp?) tendencies. 
    
    	The new comer explained it depended on his wife. If she woke up on
    the left side of the bed, he golfed left handed. If she woke up on the
    right side of the bed he golfed right handed. If she woke up on her
    back he was a half hour late.
    
    
    Roland

    We desperately need some new golf jokes!!!  The oldies and moldies
    are repeating themselves...if I had a new one, believe me, I'd post
    it, but I can't take yet another version of the same ol' stuff!
    
    Has ANYONE heard any NEW, DIFFERENT golf jokes, or have all the
    golf related jokes in the entire world been posted?
    
    

I think just about all of the good ones are in this note already.
But, I've found a few mediocre ones from "Sex Before Golf".
I hope these are not repeats:
				--
A guy comes up to a hole with a pond and asks his caddy what club
he should use. The caddy says, "Six iron." The golfer says, "No,
give me a seven....I can make it with a seven."
	The caddy says, "I'll bet you two dollars you can't make it with a
seven." Another guy in the foursome says, "I don't think you can make it
with a seven either...I'll bet you a hundred dollars."
	The golfer says, "Okay, I'll cover that bet too." Then a second
guy in the group says, "Put me down for $200. I don't think you can make
it either." The golfer says, "Ok, you're on." Then the third guy says,
"You can't make it with a seven. I'll bet you $200, too."
	Now the golfer has $502 riding on this one shot over the pond.
He puts a ball down, takes a look at the pond, takes a practice swing,
looks down again, looks up at his caddie and says, "Hmmmm, maybe I'd
better use an old ball."

				--

If you think it's tough meeting new people, try picking up what you
think is a lost golf ball.

				--

The club grouch could always find something to complain about. The first
time he hit a hole-in-one he complained, "Dammit, just when I needed the
putting practice."

				--

"You think so much of your golf game that you don't even remember when
we were married," pouted the golf widow.
"Sure I do, honey. It was the day I sank the 40 ft. putt."

				--

A golfer was preparing to tee off when the caddy master noticed his ball
was six inches beyond the tee-off line. "You've got to move it back,"
he said. The golfer ignored him and again he prepared to tee off.
"I said you've got to move it back," insisted the caddy master. 
Again, the golfer ignored him. Once more the caddy master spoke.
"Please sir, you've got to move your ball back to the starting point."
At which time the golfer turned to his partner and said, "Will you tell
this guy that this is my second shot."
    

    Hear about the man who turned up on the first tee of his course
    and saw a man dressed up to the eyes preparing to tee off. The
    two paired up and started to play a round. After a while, the 
    first man asked, "Do you always dress up like that when you play
    golf?
    "Oh no," replied the second "It's just that I'm going on to a high
    class party straight after this and I won't have time to change."
    The two finished playing the round and then the 'dressed up' man
    asked the other: "Would you like to come to the party too? There
    will be lots of good food, drink and women"
    "Well I don't think I'm dressed for it" replied the first man.
    - "Oh I don't think anyone will worry about it" said the second.
    So he agreed to go along and they both got into the second mans
    car.
    As they were getting out of the car at the party venue, the first
    man noticed he had two golf balls in his jacket pocket which made
    his pocket bulge out. Deciding this didn't look very appealing,
    he removed the balls from his jacket and stuffed one in each of
    his trouser pockets.
    Whilst he was mingling at the party the hostess, a very refined
    lady, came across and said: "Excuse me.... I couldn't help noticing
    those bulges in your trousers...What are they?
    -"Well actually," replied the man slightly embarassed "they're golf
    balls"
    -"Oh dear," replied the hostess "Is that like tennis elbow?!" 

    
    This golfer goes to a fortune-teller and says
    
    "I just have to know, are there golf courses in Heaven?"
    
    The fortune-teller says that thats a hard one and that it will take a
    few days to come up with the answer.  A few days later the golfer comes
    back and says "Well are there golf courses?"
    
    The fortune-teller says "I have some good news and some bad news.  The
    good news is there are beautiful golf courses in Heaven, no waiting and
    you never get rained out.  The bad news is :
    
    
    You tee off Sunday at 9:15

    Reminds me of the old one where the avid golfer died and was turned
    away at the pearly gates because of violent temper, foul language,
    gambling, and all the other good things of golf. He arrived in Hell
    in the middle of the night and went straight to his room that really
    was'nt bad.
    
    He awoke early the next morning and, upon opening the drapes,  looked
    over the most perfectly maintained, most beautiful golf course that
    he had ever seen. He quickly threw on some clothes and headed for
    the sign indicating Pro Shop.
    
    Upon entering he was greeted by a clerk who explained the course
    had no green fees and he could pick out, at no cost, shoes, clubs,
    and clothes to his hearts desire. He proceeded to pick out the best,
    all the things he could never afford on earth. Turning to the clerk
    he said, " give me a dozen golf balls and point me to the first
    tee".  The clerk had a very puzzled look on his face and said, "golf
    balls, golf balls, what are golf balls"?
       

    This guy is flying over the Jungle in a small aircraft when he runs
    out of fuel and has to make an emergency landing. He staggers out
    of the wrekage and starts to hack his way through the undergrowth.
    He wanders through the jungle for three days and still no sign of
    any civilisation. Desparation is setting in when he hears the sound
    of drums in the distance. He follows the sound of the drums for
    2 days and eventually arrives at a small village.
    
    In the middle of the village is a witch-doctor pounding two large
    drums with a driver and a 3 wood. He staggers up to the witch-doctor
    almost weeping for joy.
    
    "You have saved my life". "I was lost in the jungle but I followed
    the sound of your drums , I owe you my life"
    
    The witch-doctor looked down and said.
    
    "How far away were you when you heard the drums"
    
    "Two days away" replied the survivor
    
    "Jesus, I'm getting great distance out of these new woods"
    

Golf Terms:

Golfing - A pastime that gives people cooped up in the office all week
	  a chance to lie and cheat outdoors.

Sand Trap - A deep depression filled with sand, filled with golfers in a
	    deep depression.

Local Rules - A set of regulations that are ignored only by players on
	      one specific course rather that by golfers as a whole.

Fairway - A narrow strip of mown grass that separates two or more golfers
	  looking for lost balls in the rough.

Driving Range - A place where golfers go to get all the good shots out
	        of their system.

Play It As It Lies - One of the two fundamental rules of golf. The other 
	             one is "Wear It If It Clashes."

Ball - A dimpled sphere with a weight of 1.62 ounces and a diameter of 1.68 
       that will enter a cup 4.25 inches in diameter and 4.0 inches deep 
       after an average of 3.87 putts.

Hole-In-One - An occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee
	      into the hole on a single shot by a golfer playing alone.

Tap-in - A putt short enough to miss one-handed.

Rough - Area bordering the fairway where, depending on local conditions,
	the ball may be obstructed, lost, eaten or stolen and used as
	an object of worship by primitive peoples.

Hook & Slice - To hit a shot sharply left or right. Golfers who do one
	       or the other should change their stances, grips or swings.
	       Golfers who do both should change the way they spend their
	       weekends.

Practice - The process through which a golfer converts a nasty hook into a
	   wicked slice.

    
    An oldy, but I like it.
    
    Theres Joe Hacker again playing a round with his local priest for
    a dollar a hole. The game is very close with both players evenly
    matched.
    
    Coming in to the 14th, Joe needs to sink a 23 foot putt to square
    the hole. He line up, putts, and the ball just catches the rim of
    the pot slides away.
    
    " AWW F#@% IT, MISSED" he cries in disbelieving anger.
    The priest looked at him and said, "please don't use such lanquage,
    or the Good Lord shall surley strike you down with a Lightning Bolt."
    
    Joe apologised, finished the whole and went on to the next Tee.
    Here, they again tied, but on the 16th, again, Joe finds himself
    having to sink a 21 foot putt to tie the hole. Again he lines up,
    but he doesn't put enough into it and the ball stops short.
    
    " AWW F#@% IT, MISSED" he cries in disbelieving anger.
    The priest looked at him and said, "please don't use such lanquage,
    or the Good Lord shall surley strike you down with a Lightning Bolt."
                                                                        
    Again, the next hole is tied and its now the 18th with Joe $2 down.
    He's determined to win this one to cut his defeat down to only 1.
    He finds himself with only a 10 foot putt to win the hole. He lines
    up, and sure enough, the putt races past the pot, and down a gentle
    slope stopping a good 16 feet away.
                                                          
    " AWW F#@% IT, MISSED" he cries in disbelieving anger. An ominous
    rumbling breaks in the distance as dark storm clouds instantly
    gather over the 18th green
    "Don't say I didn't warn you" shouts the priest over a thunderclap.
    A bolt of lightning spears its way towards the flag.
    
    When the smoke clears, theres Joe standing next to the blackend
    remains of the priest, then a great Booming Voice echoes over
    the Fairways;
    
                     "AW F#@% IT, MISSED"
     
                   

RE: .61

Some good ones.

I still like Robin Williams' description: Golf is white middle-class 
men's excuse for dressing up like pimps.

    A foursome is on the tee at the local country club.  Just before the
    first to tee off is in his downstroke, on of his partners yells,  
    
               "Look at that"
    
    They look and see that about 100 yards out from the tee there is a
    beautiful but very naked young woman running from the woods on the
    right hand side towards the wood on the left hand side.  25 yards
    behind her comes two men, one carrying a strait jacket.  20 yards
    behind them follows a man running carrying two buckets of sand.
    
    After all 4 individuals croww and enter the woods, the fooursome on the
    tee finally calms down and the first again prepares to tee off.
    Just as he's ready to swing, the maked woman appears again from the
    left side of the woods, this time about 40 yards from the tee, running
    this time from right to left.  20 yards behind her follow the two men,
    one carrying a strait jacket and 20 yards behind them follows the man
    carrying two buckets of sand.  
    
    After the 4 disappear into the woods again, the man on the tee again
    prepares to tee off when this time, the nude woman runs across the tee,
    followed by the two men, one with a strait jacket.  They manage to stop
    the guy carrying the two buckets of sand, though.  They ask him just
    what in the hell is going on.  He replies, "There is an asylum located
    just off the back end of this golf course.  The woman is a patient
    there and every now and then, she flips out and strips off all of her
    clothes, climbs the fence, and runs naked around the golf course.
    She has to be restrained in a strait jacket for a day or so till she
    calms down."
    
    Then, a memeber of the foursome sks why he is carrying two buckets of
    sand and chasing the others.  To which he replies:
    
    "Well, I caught her last week and these are my handicap"
    
    JaKe
    

          
    Found this joke in a humor notes file so I thought I 
    would pass it along 
     
    Mad Hacker                        
    
    
================================================================================
Note 170.6                         Golf Humor                             6 of 6
CCIIS1::ROGGEBAND "_ �hili��e _"                     13 lines   2-MAR-1990 08:07
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Three guys got stranded on island. After a few days, they got rather
    bored while waiting for a boat to come and rescue them, so one of
    them had this great idea :
    
    - Why don't we have a game of golf? It's easy, all we need is a
    stick, a ball and a hole. I'll provide the stick !
    
    - I'll provide the ball, said the second one.
    
    - I'm not playing, said the third one.
    
    %^)
              

	Question:  How did they come up with golf as a name for the associated
	 	   Sport?























	Answer:  All the other four-lettered words were allready in use.

    I found this out on a customer site and thought I would pass it
    along.
    
                     OFFICIAL RULES OF INDOOR GOLF
    
    1.  Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
        one club and two balls.
    
    2.  Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
    
    3.  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
        and keep the balls out of the hole.
    
    4.  For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
        Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft
        before play begins.
    
    5.  Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
        to avoid damage to the hole.
    
    6.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
        until the course owner is satisfied.
    
    7. It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole
       immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player
       will normally admire the entire course with special attention to
       well formed bunkers.
    
    8.  Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses that they
        have played, or concurrently are playing, to the owner of the
        course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a
        players equipment for this reason.
    
    9.  Players should assure themselves that their match has been
        properly scheduled, especially on a different course being
        played for the first time. Previous players have been known 
        to get irate if they find someone else playing what they 
        consider to be their own private course.
    
    10. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
        times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temp-
        orarily under repair and the player is advised to use tact in
        the determination. Most advanced players will find alternate
        means of play when this is the case.
    
    11. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
        play the same hole several times in one match.
    
    12. Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
    
    13. It is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score to
        other players or that he has even played the course. Players who
        have contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are
        cautioned that information reaching the owner that he has played
        some other course may result in the contract being concelled and
        a suit for damage instituted.
    
    14. In an effort to promote slow play, players attempting to play the 
        same course must let the player who started playing the course
        first finish the hole. Each player may play the hole alternately
        thereafter. The player able to play the hole the most times will
        be the winner, unless the owner determines that one player has
        played far better than the others.

                <<< Note 2.67 by RAYBOK::COOPER "MAD HACKER" >>>
                            -< Another Golf Game  >-

	Mad Hacker, you devil you!

	P

    Two newly weds are in bed, when the husband decides he wants to 
    "tell all" about his past.
    
    "Honey", he says, "I wanted to let you know that before we were 
    married, there were many other women in my life.  I was with a 
    different woman every night."
    
    She looks at him and says, "That all right.  That was before we were 
    married and what you did then was your business.  But as long as we 
    are telling things about our past, I have something to tell you....
    I used to be a hooker."
    
    "That no problem" he says, "Just close your stance and turn your 
    right hand over."  

 
A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to
play a friendly game of golf.  At the course, they found a long line
waiting to get to the first tee.  They asked the party in front of
them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers
was on the course ahead of them.
 
The following conversation ensued:
 
Social Worker:    Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if
                  you just give them half a chance?
 
Minister:         It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the
                  course alone.  The Lord helps those who help
                  themselves.
 
Systems Analyst:  Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they
                  play at night?

                    <<< USER$1:[NOTES$LIBRARY]GOLF.NOTE;1 >>>
                               -< The Good Game >-
================================================================================
Note 69.250                Buying & Selling Goes Here                 250 of 251
5WOOD::FITZPATRICK "Today my jurisdiction ends here." 9 lines  18-JUN-1990 13:19
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    	Just heard this ad on the radio (Paul Harvey news):
    
    	Golf Clubs for sale.  Driver slices. 3 iron hooks. 4 through 9
    irons bent.  Bag is wet.  Best offer.
    
    Sound familiar?
    
    -Tom
    

       Harry walks into the 19th hole and in a raspy voice orders a
    gin and tonic. The bartender says " Harry, what happened to your
    voice". "Oh, you won,t believe what happened to me today. You know
    the 16th with the stone wall and the cow pasture on the other side
    which also borders the 12th hole." The bartender says " Yeah, I
    know it."  " Well I hit a wicked slice into the pasture and told
    my friends to play on for I didn,t want to lose this ball. I was
    fumbling around in the grass beside a cow and she was whisping her
    tail back and forth and a flash of white caught my eye. I went over
    and lifted her tail and there was a golf ball in her asshole. Well,
    I took it out and it wasn,t mine so I put it back and continued
    to look around. I was so intent on looking that I didn,t realize
    that some woman was also looking for a ball from the 12th hole and
    when I bumped into her I asked if she was looking for a ball. She
    said yes. So without hesitation I walked over to the cow and lifted
    its' tail and Said, Hey Lady does this look like yours. She hit
    me with a 9 iron right in the adams apple. 
    

    
Note 610.3             Excerpts from "Dave Barry Turns 40"               3 of 11
WECARE::GUIMOND                                     119 lines  11-JUN-1990 18:38
                                -< part 4 of 5 >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
		Semi-tough pastimes for the jocks over 40
				from
			The Dallas Morning News
			   May 23, 1990
				by
		             Dave Barry


	In the Pantheon of Sports Heroes (located next to the Skeet 
Shooting Hall of Fame), you'll find the names of legendary athletes 
who remained active in sports well after they turned 40 - Babe Ruth, 
Jack Dempsey, Picasso, Secretariat.
	What do these great competitors have in common?  They're all 
dead.  So you can see how important it is for you to slow down as you 
get older, to abandon the active sports you enjoyed so much in your 
youth - basketball, tennis, racquetball, drinking a quart of Jim Beam 
and leaping naked into the motel pool from the eighth-floor balcony, 
etc.  It's time to start "acting your age" by getting involved in the 
kinds of sports activities appropriate for mature, responsible adults, 
such as:
                 (deleted)
    
	You may find that even dork-walking is too strenuous.  In this 
case you'll want to look into the ultimate aging-person activity, a 
"sport" that requires so little physical activity that major tournaments 
are routinely won by coma victims.  I refer to:



				Golf

Nobody knows exactly how golf got started.  probably what happened 
was, thousand of years ago, a couple of primitive guys were standing 
around, holding some odd-shaped sticks, and they noticed  gold ball 
lying on the grass, and said: "Hey! Let's see if we can hit this into 
a hole!"  And then they said: "Nah, let' just tell long boring 
anecdotes about it instead.'
	Which is basically the object of golf.  You put on the most 
unattractive pants money can buy, and get together in the clubhouse with 
other golfers and drone away for hours about how you "bogeyed" your 
three-iron on the par six or whatever.
	If you actually get into golf, you can actually try to play 
it.  I did once, with a friend named Paul, who is an avid golfer in 
the sense that if he had to choose between playing golf and ensuring 
permanent world peace, he'd want to know how many holes.
	The way we played was, first Paul would hit the ball directly 
toward the  hole.  When it was my turn, we'd drive the cart to wherever 
my ball was, which sometimes meant taking the interstate.  When we 
arrived at our destination, Paul would examine the situation and 
suggest a club.
	"Try a five-iron here" he'd say, as if he honestly believed it 
would make a difference.
	Then with a straight face, he'd give me very specific 
directions as to where I should hit the ball.  Sometimes after my 
swing, the ball would still be there, surrounded by a miniature scene 
of devastation, similar to the view airborne politicians have of 
federal disaster areas.  Sometimes the ball would be gone, which was 
the signal to look up and see how hard Paul was trying not to laugh.  
Usually he was trying very hard, which meant the ball had gone about 
as far as you would hide an Easter egg from a small child with 
impaired vision.  But sometimes the ball had completely disappeared, 
and we'd look for it but we'd never see it again.

    Ancient warfare was fought with men swinging clubs, stalking through
    fields and shouting terrible oaths.
    
    Same as modern golf.

    
    	I was fortunate to play golf this past weekend with the priest
    from my church. He's an avid golfer but a frustrated one. We were
    all set to tee off at the 17th, par three over water when the priest
    stopped to get an old ball out of his bag. As he walked to the tee
    and placed this battered ball on the tee a voice came from the clouds,
    "Have Faith My Son".  The priest looked up and then placed his new
    ball on the tee in place of the battered one. He then stepped back
    and took two practice swings. As he addressed the ball the voice
    form the clouds whispered, "Better use and old ball".  :-)
    
    
    
    Tom

Oh please no more recycled jokes.
    
    Ted

A couple, who had been playing golf together everyday of their 50 year
marriage, suddenly died together in an auto accident.

When they got to heaven, St. Peter was showing them around. "Here
is your condo on the course, outside is a golf cart at your disposal
with a wet bar and cd player.  In back are custom made clubs with
a supply of balls and tees.  If you lose them new ones will appear.
You can play our courses day or night as much as you desire...."

After the whole spiel the husband turns to the wife and says
"I could have been here 20 years ago if you hadn't been forcing those 
damned oat bran muffins on me".

    
    This guy has been having a terrible time out on the course hacking it
    everywhere. He prepares to tee off on his next hole with a one iron.
    Suddenly this voice booms out "Don't hit the one iron select a five
    iron instead." He thinks about it but still prepares to hit the one
    iron. Once again the voice booms out "Don't hit the one iron, if you do
    you'll only slice it into that field of lovely buttercups and end up
    killing some of the flowers." Once again he thinks about it but he
    still decides to take his chance with the one iron. Again the voice
    thunders "Please don't hit the one iron, think of the lovely buttercup
    flowers you will destroy. If you don't hit the one iron I promise you
    all the butter you could wish for the rest of your life"
    
    Now the guy begins to think about it. "Who are you?" he shouts back
    "I'm God" comes the reply "If you don't hit the one iron into the
    buttercups I'll pomise to provide you with butter for the rest of your
    life"
    
    To which the guy replies "Where were you when I shanked one into the
    Pussy Willows!"

    An avid golfer had just finished 18 on a very hot day.  He decided what
    he really needed to cool off was a BIG glass of iced tea, so he pulled
    his BMW into a drive-in and asked for the brew.  When the waitress
    brought the tea, he reached into his pocket for some change.  He
    brought out a handfull of coins, and two golf tees.  The gal asked
    "what are those?"  He responded, "they're tees, I rest my balls on them
    when I'm driving."  The girl said, "Boy, those BMW people think of
    EVERYTHING!"
    
    

    I heard a pretty punny golf joke the other day, here goes.
    
    A couple of golfers are out playing one day and one hits an incredibly
    long drive past the others drive. He shouts, "Wow, A Linda Ronstat" !
    His buddy asks what he means by that and the response is "Blew by you"!
    
    Mad Hacker

Golf Terms.

Approach Shot - A shot which, if it had not caught the lip of the bunker and
                dropped back into the sand, would have rolled across the
                green and gone into the water.

Back Nine - The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.

Backswing - The part of the swing that takes place after the ball has
            been improperly addressed but before it has been sent to
            the wrong destination.

Birdie - A Mulligan, the best of one or more practice swings, and a 
         20-foot "gimme" putt.

Bogey - The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of 
        average skill and above-average honesty.

Caddy - Individual who carries bags for golfers and assists them in
        the playing of the course. Ideally, a caddy should possess
        the eyes of a big-game hunter, the strength of a linebacker,
        the patience of a diplomat and the memory of a Mafia witness.

Double Eagle - Three strokes less then par for a given hole. This unusual
               achievement might be accomplished by, say taking
               advantage of a tailwind on a straight par-5 hole to get down
               in two strokes, scoring a hole-in-one on a short par-4 or by
               just skipping entirely a difficult par-3 hole.

Fore - The first of several four-letter words exchanged between
       golfers as one group of players hits balls toward another in
       front of them on the course.

Four-putt - To take four strokes of the putter to put the ball into the
            hole after driving it onto the green.

Gimme - A conceded putt, usually one measured in inches, e.g., a 
        2-inch putt, a 5-inch putt, an 11-inch putt, a 94-inch putt
        or a 2,844-inch putt.

Golf glove - An unpleasant order worn on the hand.

Greens Fees - The charge for playing a round of golf. When paying this
              fee, mediocre players should keep in mind the fact that
              whereas, golfers who regularly shoot par are shelling out
              nearly a quarter for every shot they take, a hopeless duffer
              is paying a mere eight or nine cents a stroke.

lie - 1. Where the ball comes to rest after being hit by a golfer.
      2. The number of strokes it took to get it there, as reported
         by that golfer.

Low-Side - The side of a hole on a sloping green that gravity tends to
           send a ball away from. Canny golfers always aim for the
           "high-side" of the hole or lay the flagstick along the edge of
           cup and putt toward this "Safe Side."


Partner - Match play team member who holes out from a bunker to score 
          birdie on a hole you were about to win with a tap-in for par, 
          then putts out for a double bogey on a hole where you lie six
          and your ball is 40 feet from the cup.

Pin - Familiar term for the flagstick. A call that lands on the green 
      even with the hole but off to one side is "pin high." A ball that
      lands right next to the hole, leaving a very short putt, is "stiff
      to the pin." Such putts are almost always conceded, but some players
      insist on putting them anyway. These players are called "pinheads."

Practice Green - A putting area near the clubhouse where players can try
                 out chips, pitches and putts. It is usually located near
                 the 19th hole so players can also work on their nips, 
                 drafts and snorts.

Stroke - Any forward movement of the club that is made with the intention
         of hitting and moving the ball and is observed by another golfer.

Sudden Death - Term for the situation that exists when a match is tied
               at the end of 18 holes and the player who feels the least
               amount of confidence about beating the opposition in
               extra-holes play suddenly remembers the death, earlier in
               day, of a beloved aunt.

Target Line - And imaginary line from a players lie to the target which
              the ball would follow if an imaginary golfer hit it.

Tee Off - To drive a ball off the tee. Players who have made their drives
          off a tee are said to HAVE teed off, but at this point it is
          almost always also correct to say they ARE teed off.

Triple Bogey - Three strokes more then par. Four strokes more then par
               is a quatruple bogey, 5 more is a quintuple, 6 is a sextuple,
               7 is a throwuple, 8 is a blowuple, and 9 is a ohshutuple.

Umbrella - The only long, stick-shaped object with a shaft and a handle
           routinely found in golf bags that is just as useless in 
           getting the ball into the hole as a putter is.

U.S.G.A. - The United States Golf Association, which is responsible
           for drafting and enforcing regulations in America. It stands
           in the same relation to golfers as the Securities and Exchange
           Commission does to inside traders.

Whiff - A stroke that completely missed the ball. The more prevalent term
        for this type of shot is "warm-up swing." 

    A couple of "supposed to be true" ones:
    
    A member of a club on tthe PGA tour and a maniacial fan of Tom Weiskoff
    went out to play on the course the day after the tournament. He wanted
    to play the course EXACTLY as his idol had played it, complete with the
    same caddy.
    
    After playing stroke for stroke the same shots, he came upon a shot 180
    yards across a pond from the green and asked the caddy what iron Tom
    Weiskoff used for the shot. "Mistah Weiskoff, he used an 8-iron". He
    put back his 5-iron and proceeded to put the ball in the middle of the
    pond. He then broke his 8-iron over his knee and threw it into the
    hazard! The caddy just responded; "Yassah, thats just what Mistah
    Weiskoff did!".
    
    One for the British -
    
    Years ago at the British Open in a pre-game show the US announcers were
    discussing the appearance of some of the past US champions at the
    event. One said;"Its so nice to see people like Cary Middlekoff and I
    even saw Bobby Jones wearing knickers". The nearby British announcers
    went histerical.
    
    [For the non-British, knickers in the British Isles is the term for
    ladies panties]

    Theres the story of the two pro golfers at a major tourney. One is an
    experienced, consistnt winner and the other is a rookie on the
    tour(rabbit) with all the accompanying paranoia and frustrations.
    
    The two were tied and one day to go. As luck would have it the two
    shared their hotel room.
    
    The younger golfer racked his brain trying to think of ways to "rattle"
    the old pro. Finally, just before he turned out the light and went to
    sleep he got out of bed, walked over to the bed of the old pro and
    planted a big wet kiss on his mouth! He then wlked back to his bed and
    slept all night.
    
    The next morning the old pro played head-to-head with him the front
    nine, but got so sleepy he was unable to finish the back nine. He had
    stayed up all night watching the young pro and was asleep on his feet!!
    
    Bob

    
    100 Golf widows in the USA were interviewed, they wre all asked what
    they do to their Bums before making love....
    
    They all said that they drop them off at the Golf Club first...!
    
    
    Tee Hee ....

    
    A guy informs his wife that him and his 3 golf buddies are off for
    a serious weekend of golf to Myrtle Beach. He asks his wife to pack
    his clothes and clubs so he can be ready to leave right after work
    Friday. The wife, suspecting that her husband is having an affair
    reluctantly has his things ready for him Friday evening.
    Sunday night the man returns and thanks his wife for packing but
    informs her she forgot to pack his underwear ! To which she replies..
    
    
    
    " Oh but I did dear ! they're in your golf bag ! "
    
    
       " ouch "
    

Reproduced from The Fiancial Times - Wednesday May 27th (without permission)

	A group of ladies is taking afternoon tea on the balcony of the 
local golf club while their spouses play a competition round. Missing his 
final put a player lets out a string of expletives which cannot but be 
overheard.

	Result: a complaint to the committee about the disgraceful language.

	Decision: ladies are banned from taking tea on the balcony during 
competition matches.

			- o 0 o -

Please don't reply and tell me that this is sexist or anything else....it 
is the ability to reach such a solution which is humorous.....not the 
solution itslef !

	I will look out for a follow up, if there is one, assuming that the 
ladies also play competitions !

    			< SLIGHTLY RISQUE >
    Three friends having a game of golf come to the Par 4 9th. The first
    guy drives and hooks it 40yds into the forest. "I better go ahead and
    look for it" he says, so the 2nd guy hits a beauty down the middle. The
    3rd guy steps up and proceeds to hit it in the direction of the 1st
    guy. Mr. Perfect Drive walks up to his ball and after the requisite 5
    minutes there is no sign of his buddies. So he goes into the trees and
    is horrified to find No.1 dead on the ground and his buddy doing
    unspeakable sexual acts to the prostrate body.
    	"My God!! Joe! Why the hell didn`t you try the Kiss of Life"
    
     	Says red-faced Joe; "How the hell do you think this started"
    
                                                 ??Am I allowed to tell
    							this joke??
    
     

    
    One day a Land Surveyor's job took him to a golf course that was
    expanding to 18 holes.  Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area
    he was mapping, he came upon a golf club that an irate player must have
    tossed away.  It was in good condition, so he picked it up and
    continued on.
    
    When he broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared
    at him in awe.  He had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, 
    and behind him was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.
    
    "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
    
    ****************************************************************************
    
    As a beginning golfer, Bill was self-concious about his game and would
    get up very early to be on the club's golf course before anyone else
    arrived.  One morning an older member arrived before him and asked Bill
    if he would like to join him.  Bill nervously agreed and proceeded to 
    perform very poorly on the front nine.  At one point the man asked him
    why he went to his golf bag after each stroke.
    
    "Oh," Bill replied.  "That's in order to keep track of my score.  I
    take a penny out of my bag after each stroke and put it in my pocket."
    
    Shaking his head, the older member commented, "Young fella - you'll be
    a millionaire in two years."
    

    This woman convinced her husband to teach her how to play golf.  He
    took her to the course one early weekday morning so as not to hold
    anyone up.
    
    He stood behind her and had his arms around her while holding the club
    with her and teaching her the grip and so forth.
    
    After a number of holes had been played, he found that during the last
    shot the zipper of his fly had become stuck with the zipper of her
    skirt.  Worse, players were now on the course and he didn't know what
    to do. 
    
    Finally, he told his wife, "Walk slowly to the clubhouse where we can
    then fix the problem."  So, she lead him very slowly back to the
    building.  A number of times they were hailed by members and they would
    pretend to be practicing swings.
    
    Finally, they neared the building, when suddenly the door opened,
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    and a big dog ran out and dumped a large bucket of cold water on them!
    
    Lee
    

    Two older fellows had been playing together for years and both had
    eyesight problems.  One went and got these special glasses that make
    everything look BIG!!  The result was tremendous, the ball looked big
    and easy to hit, the green looked big and easy to hit and the hole
    looked big.  The guy reduced his handicap by 10 strokes in a week.  The
    other guy decided that he had to also get a pair.  On Sat. he showed up
    with his new glasses.  They were great!! He was -2 after 12 holes when
    he decided that he had to go into the bushes to relieve himself.  He
    came back out of the bushes and the front of his pants was soaked.  He
    partner asked him what happened?  He said: "Well I pulled it out, but
    when I looked down I knew it wasn't mine, so I put it back!!

    Gee, it's  good to see that humor is coming back!!  I guess morale is
    getting a little better :-)
    

    ..."Talk to me on June 30th..."
    
    __Jack
    
    

    Reprinted without permission from this months Golf Monthly (UK).
    
    "For most amateurs the best wood in their bag is a pencil."
    
    Chi Chi Rodriguez

    A husband and wife twosome went out to play a round of golf.  On one of
    the holes, the woman went to the ladies tee and waited their for her
    husband to hit.  He hit a low screaming hook which caught her on the
    temple and killed her.
    
    Police and the medical examiner arrived on the scene.  While assuring
    him that it was an accident that he would not be charged, they still
    felt it was necessary to conduct an autopsy.
    
    A couple of days later the autopsy report came back and sure enough,
    the woman died from a blow to the head.
    
    The medical examiner said that they did find a rather large bruise on
    the woman's thigh and asked whether the man had insight as to how that
    occurred.  He replied:
    
    "That would be my mulligan!"
    

    re -.1
    
    	True story sorta related to that joke. This summer a couple of
    friends of mine were playing and one brought his wife along. After 2
    of the three guys had hit, the wife started heading down to the ladies
    tee. Sure enough, the third guy hit a screamer of the toe of his driver
    and nailed her right in the, as Forrest Gump would say, but-Tocks.
    Fortunately all she got was a major bruise but it certainly could have 
    been worse. Needless to say she never walked ahead again...

    
    
    Butt (;-) the question is did the ball go past the women's tee?
    

    
    from my golf quotes calendar:
    
    	"Golf is a good walk spoiled".
    
    		Mark Twain

    
    
    re .96
    
     Goes to show, wimmin should NOT be allowed on a golf course. All they
    do is slow play down and generally piss me off!!!!! Let them stay
    behind the bar and pour the beer.
    
     Danny.

    Suggestion - maybe you should think about finding a new (male only)
    sport.  Stats show that 65%+ of new golfers are "wimmin".
    
    Save yourself some aggravation and stay off the course - maybe you
    could try your hand at bartending.  Then you could pour us "wimmin"
    up a beer or two once we've finished our round!

    	A friend of mine insists this really happened to him.
    
    He went to a driving range and was using tees rather than hitting off
    the mats so the pouch on his golf bag where he keeps his tees, balls, 
    etc was opened. As he was leaving an elderly woman called out to him...
    
    "Young man, young man, your zipper's open and your balls are going to
    fall out."
    
    	It was all he could do to keep from rolling on the ground laughing.

    Scotsman goes to Florida on holiday.
    He's taking a stroll along the beach when he notice's an Indian
    wig-wam, with a sign outside it saying,
    TONTO - MEMORY MAN
    PAY 10 DOLLARS AND ASK ANY QUESTION IN HISTORY, AND IF TONTO CAN'T
    ANSWER YOU GET 100 DOLLARS BACK.
    
    The Scot thought that this was easy money so in he went, paid his 10
    dollars and asked,
    " Who won the 1868 Scottish Amateur Golf Championship."
    Tonto thought for a moment and replied,
    " Tommy Brown beat Andrew Smith "
    Well, the Scot was flabbergasted, Tonto was correct.
    
    3 years later.
    
    Scot is back in Florida on holiday and decides to look up Tonto to see
    how he's doing, but his wig-wam on the beach is now a large hotel on
    the main pier.
    Tonto has made it big time, and his name is up in lights.
    The Scot thinks that this is marvellous and decides to pop in and say
    hello.
    
    He walks into the hotel and goes up to where Chief Tonto is sitting and
    says, " HOW "
    
    Tonto replies,
    
    " A play off at the third extra hole "  

    
    Re.82
    
    What are knickers in the US then?
    

re: .103

>    Re.82
    
>    What are knickers in the US then?

In the U.S., knickers are knee-length (or maybe slightly below the knee) pants -
like those funny looking things that Payne Stewart wears...

Here is an old one adapted to golf, that originated from someone in America 
onLine. I deleted all the forwardings:

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on
the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.  The wife hit her shot
and the ball began to slice.  Her shot was headed directly at a very large
plate glass window.  Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the
window and shattered it into a million pieces.  They felt compelled to see
what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.

When they peeked inside the house, the found no one there.  The husband
called out and no one answered.  Upon further investigation, they saw a
gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.  The wife said, "Do
you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you
see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he
answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the
third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed
on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the
wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year
forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your
wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have
made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long
have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then
asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, 31 years old."

The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?" 

From the web. Not exactly a joke, but some of the descriptions are 
"black" humor.

enjoy!

     
Men's Health April issue reveals world's most dangerous golf courses

EMMAUS, Pa.--(BW SportsWire)--March 20, 1997--The next time you complain
about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf course, just be glad it
isn't filled with crocodiles.

According to the April issue of Men's Health magazine, here are the 10 most
dangerous golf courses around the world:

   * Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is
     fronted by a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to
     15 feet long.

   * Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways
     are sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across
     the Zambezi River.

   * Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high
     caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods,
     Ryder Cup-style competition.

   * Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay
     of the land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played
     over huge sand dunes. Incoming!

   * Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill,
     it ran into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires
     and methane gas rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the
     local power company.

   * Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham's
     remote location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a
     recent 10-year period, 13 bodies were said to have been found.

   * Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open,
     pro Jim Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to
     watch in horror as another emerged from its mouth.

   * Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker
     successfully executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was
     then attacked by a monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to
     strangle her. An alert caddie dispatched the ape.

   * Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes
     shoved into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle
     against protective fencing while awaiting their turn.

   * Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless
     you're Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing
     the tracks beyond the fifth green.

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