Conference kaosws::canada

    Why the reticence ?  Where is Rush & Rich - the P/R firm for the GC ?
    
    Could be that, the Public Relations Officers of GC are on
    vacation ?

This information must not be passed to Cyrus Hashemi...

    
    When will we ever get to the bottom of this Grand Canal cabal?
    

I'm mildly amused by the fact that some Americans are now taken an
interest in the Grand Canal - considering that it is almost completed,
50% of the funding is from the US taxpayers, and 95% of the canal is
in Canada.  

Consider the following facts about the Grand Canal:

	1.  The world's longest canal without locks.
	2.  The only canal to go under an existing canal.
	3.  It drains the largest watershed in the world,
	    the James Bay Water Diversion Project and the
	    Garrison Water Diversion Project (in the US of A).
	4.  It completely circumscribes the Province of Alberta.
	5.  It supports a myriad of industries and sports unheard
	    of before it was built, such as SCUDA, snail punching,
	    Lego block canal construction, barge-pole humping, etc.

Additionally, it had the lowest number of construction accidents for
a project of it's size; only one Canadian was injured and 50 Americans
were hospitalized when the oil tanker they were portaging around
Big Caca Falls broke open and covered them with 10 million litres of
liquid Brylcream.  The Americans were also treated for abdominal hernias
arising from their efforts during the portage, the Canadian only suffered
a crushed tuque and a damaged lunch box filled with 'eh's.

I hope that now we have almost completed this canal, and our American neighbours
are aware of their contributions, that we can both (the US and Canada) convince
the World Dirt Bank to take our donation of 250 million hectares of dirt and
rock from the canal construction site.


Pat

    The grand canal has competition!
    
    I heard on the news that one city in BC (where else but in that
    separatist province) wants to sell water to another city in California
    and send it by BOAT.....what is the world coming to?  they are going to
    shunt our efforts to finish this grand scheme.
    
    
    PAT where are you, please tell us this is not so.
    
    Jean
    

    This must be total nonsense!
    
    Everyone knows that if you fill a boat with water, it will sink.
    
    Those people in BC aren't so smart.
    
    
    Glenn 

No, no!  You simply put a layer of oil in the lower tanks; that makes it float.

Aha!  We outsmarted those cretins from BC.  The Grand Canal Regulatory
Board and Used Storm-door Company has garnered a regulation from Congress
and Parliament that the drinking water that is to be shipped to California MUST
be done so by a boat that remains in dry dock for the entire journey.

In turn, the GCRB & USC have been granted a monopoly to float drinking
water down the GC in discarded SNOW BAGS.  During the winter, they intend to
blast the water into the upper atmosphere (with a discarded artillery piece
found at Heathrow airport), in the direction of California.  It will then
be collected, in the form of ice nodules, by disgruntled, left-handed
Albanian dwarfs of dubious parenthood.

I hope this will dispel any rumours of the GC's demise.  It's annual
Spring opening will again feature SCUDA and snail-punching (a real slug-fest)
contests.  

Yours in depravity,

Pat

    Re: Note 282.6 by POLAR::RICHARDSON
    
    >>..those people <in> B.C. aren't so smart..>> (?)
    
     You mean alll the people born before the Nazarene lack smarts ?
    
    o Or are U being maliciously CONdesCENding to your own people in Victoria?
     
    o Or is that a crude form of insult intended for your fellow Canadians in
      the WEST ? BTW: I thought the best always come/s  from the west. 

        re. -.1

    	Considering that all people born before the Nazarene are dead, they
    do lack smarts as well as many other things vital to brain activity,
    i.e. a brain for example. 
    	So yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say. Quite witty..
    I'm glad I said that.

    	Now as for you, it's people like you what cause unrest. You are like a
    big jam doughnut with cream on top.

    	It was one of Rushton's
    
    Oscar Wilde

    This is all very interesting for a British Columbian who is temporarily
    Back East doing a course at OTO.
    
    Careful, Easterners - you have a Westerner in your midst!
    
    ...laura

    So that's why we're getting all this horrible weather!
    
    Right, make it quick then. I want Spring to come!
    
    Glenn ;-)

    Keep up the good work Laura. Alberta appreciates the good weather. You
    Easteners could do with a little adversity, a little bad weather is
    good for the soul. Keeps you on the straight and narrow.
    Why I remember when I was but a lad, walking 5 miles to school in 40
    below weather, in bare feet... over broken glass.....
    And you tell kids that now adays and they won't believe you. Nope.

    re .13

    	Did your father make you eat a lump of cold poison and then cut you
    in two with a bread knife?

      Bare feet? You were lucky to have feet! Our father cut ours off after
    he had beaten us about the head with a broken bottle. We had to crawl
    15 Km to school over scorpions in -40�C with a wind chill of -120�C
    only to arrive there late and be beaten with a ruler and sent home.
    Once we crawled home, our father would kill us and dance about on our
    graves singing "Pass the tequila Shiela" 

      You Albertans are only upset because the Grand Canal totally
    circumvents your province. Serves you right for not believing in the
    National Aquatic Dream!

    Glenn (In a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic)

    re:-.1
    
    Did I say 40 below? I meant 400 below and that was on a calm day
    without any windchill. 
    And we had to get up to go to school a half hour before we went to bed.
    
    Gee I wish my good ol' Dad had of shown some affection to me like yours
    did. That would have been just the thing, getting hit on the head with a
    broken bottle and all. Brings a tear to me eye.
    Of course it wasn't all bad, Dad would take me skeet shooting once in a
    while. I fondly remember him yelling PULL! and me going sailing out over 
    the field.....
    
    As for the GC, if its to surround Alberta, I'm going to lobby the
    Powers that be and have it renamed The Grand Moat. 
    Thats what it will be used for. Then your Provinces service can phone
    my Provinces service and they'll do the lunch thing.

    You poor poor Albertans...sounds like my Dad's tales of going to school
    when he was little and growing up in Coronation.
    
    You can't blame the bad weather on *me* - it's Elvis and his space
    alien friends beaming Energy into the National Capital Region. When
    they're not busy thinking up ethernet addresses...
    
    ...laura

<<Did I say 40 below? I meant 400 below and that was on a calm day
<<without any windchill. 

Luxury!  We had to wait 'til Spring to hear what we said during the winter.
All the iron railings in town were festooned with kids' tongues during the
winter, hence giving raise to the first 'silent majority'.  The annual Spring
rites were heralded by the tremendous cacaphony emanating from all of the
town's outhouses as the farts started to thaw out.

And our Da went back to his former incarnation and beat our former selves
to death just to make us feel miserable in our present lives, now isn't
that thoughtful father?

Laura, when are British Columbians going to dump Vanderslam?  Does his wife
still wear those silly head bands to keep the air in?

And Calgary!  Well, the nice thing about Calgary is...I forgot.

Pat

�    And Calgary!  Well, the nice thing about Calgary is...I forgot.
 
    You remember Pat... the nice thing is that it's somewhere else!
    
    

    Remember node names lie ......  Just because it says CGO .......
     
    Ron don't tell fibs it was only 300 below!  

    I know (being a genius) that -40�C = -40�F but are you guys talking
    about -400�F ?
    
    Jean
    

    That depends on your age.  Guessing at Ron's decrepitness? probably
    degrees F.

    Your all wrong. It was degrees Kelvin. The temperatures were negative
    absolute zero and we were thankfull it wasn't any colder. The only
    thing that bothered us about the cold was that the Moat, once completed, 
    would freeze over and not be a viable means of defence. Sooooo in July
    after a balmy month of summer, when the glaciers returned from
    Yellowknife where they spend their summers cooling their heels, we
    figure we'll pump the chilling waters into a large holding tank,
    preferably Manitoba (it having so many lakes). Then we would fill the
    moat with liquid Nitrogen. 

    Stop that ! It's silly!  

      It started out as a nice little idea about the Grand Canal but now it's
    just gotten silly.
      Now, no one likes a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps my wife, 
    and some of her friends. Oh yes, and Captain Rushton. Come to think of
    it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the
    point! Now, I'm warning this topic not to get silly again!

    Glenn (In a white wine sauce with shallots mushrooms and garlic)

Michael Palin, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and Terry Jones (in that order) are
sitting around in bamboo chairs at a tropical resort, drinking wine, smoking
cigars, and reminiscing about the good old days.

Idle:	    Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here
	    drinking Chateau de Chatterly, eh?

Palin:	    Them days, we'd be glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

Chapman:    A cup of cold tea.

Idle:	    Without milk or sugar.

Jones:	    Or tea.

Palin:	    In a cracked cup and all.

Idle:	    Oh, we never used to have a cup.  We'd have to drink out of a
	    rolled up newspaper.

Chapman:    The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

Jones:	    But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.

Palin:	    Because we were poor.  My old dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't
	    bring you happiness, son".

Idle:	    He was right.  I was happier then and I had nothing.  We used to
	    live in this tiny old tumbled down house with great big holes in
	    the roof.

Chapman:    House.  You were lucky to live in a house.  We used to live in one
	    room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was
	    missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of
	    falling.

Jones:	    You were lucky to have a room.  We used to have to live in the
	    corridor.

Palin:	    Oh, we used to dream of living in the corridor.  It would have been
	    a palace to us.  We used to live on an old water tank in a rubbish
	    dump.  We used to wake up every morning by having a load of rotting
	    fish dumped all over us.  House, humph.

Idle:	    Well, when I say "house", it was just a hole in the ground covered
	    by a sheet of tarpaulin.  But it was a house to us.

Chapman:    We were evicted from our hole in the ground.  We had to go and live
	    in a lake.

Jones:	    You were lucky to have a lake.  There were a hundred and fifty of
	    us living in a shoe box in the middle of the road.

Palin:	    Cardboard box?

Jones:	    Aye.

Palin:	    You were lucky.  We lived for three months in a rolled up newspaper
	    in a septic tank.  We used to have to get up every morning at six
	    o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down at the mill
	    fourteen hours a day, week in, week out for sixpence a week and
	    when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.

Chapman:    Luxury.  We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in
	    the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work
	    twenty hours a day at the mill for tuppence a month, come home and
	    our dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle
	    if we were lucky.

Jones:	    Well of course, we had it tough.  We used to have to get out of the
	    shoe box in the middle of the night and lick the road clean with
	    our tongues.  We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel
	    whilst working all day in that mill for fourpence every six years
	    and when we got home our dad would slice us in two with a bread
	    knife.

Idle:	    Right.  I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night,
	    half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work
	    twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay the mill owner for
	    permission to come to work and when we got home, our dad would kill
	    us and dance about on our graves singing halleluja.

Palin:	    And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won't
	    believe you.

Idle, Chapman and Jones:    No, no they won't.

    Hey you wouldn't have a transcript of "The argument"?
    
    Jean
    
    BTW what does a Fils-de-Richard (Richardson) taste with all those
    condiments, and if it's over $12.66/Kg, Il'l stick with pork filets.
    

    Are you aware there is a notes file on MPFC?  It's.......
    
    ILLUSN::MONTY_PYTHON
    
    Dave

    Oh, no no no no no no!
    
    
    YES!

Attention!  Attention!  On Sunday, 22 April there will be a special on
the Grand Canal on TVO or CBC (here in Ottawa) at 2PM or 4PM.  Consult
your TV guides.

    Well, I'm relieved to see we've at last collected and set down
    some definite, palpable information concerning the astounding
    Grand Canal scheme and the mysterious, shadowy financiers backing it.
    
    While I admit fun's fun, shouldn't we focus again on the
    Canal itself, it's technical characteristics, and in light of Earth
    Day, the immense environmental hazards and uncertainties
    concomitant with it?
    
    Take, for example, the proposed routine transit of Brylcreme-laden
    (tm) barge and supertanker vessels, and the extreme potential
    environmental hazards they pose. Will the Brylcreme (tm) trafficers
    provide adequate safeguards and the recovery systems necessary
    to avoid environmental devastation following a leakage of their
    semi-liquid cargo? Will the proposed containment mechanisms
    function properly in subzero permafrost and tundra conditions?
    
    Also, the Canal's complete circumscription of the Province
    of Alberta (282.4 #4) invites hazardous Coriolis-induced vortex
    effects, which could accelerate the erosion of even the most
    carefully designed embankments and levees. Our own US Army
    Corps of Engineers has experimented futilely with similar designs
    and found them to be inherently unstable.
    
    To summarize, don't the hazards of the Grand Canal far outweigh
    the admittedly immense potential benefits of opening and
    developing the New Lands to the North? As concerned citizens,
    organized or as individuals, do we nothing to head off the
    inevitable environmental debacle? Or is it too late, and the
    focussed juggernaut of the massed, industrial combines too
    irresistable?
    
    			a *very* concerned Tombigbee mudskipper
    

<<Will the Brylcreme (tm) trafficers provide adequate safeguards and the 
<<recovery systems necessary...

Most definitely.  Along it's entire length, the Canal has been edged with
a thick mat of Kalahari pygmy hair to absorb any such spillage.

<<Also, the Canal's complete circumscription of the Province
<<of Alberta (282.4 #4) invites hazardous Coriolis-induced vortex
<<effects, which could accelerate the erosion of even the most
<<carefully designed embankments and levees. Our own US Army
<<Corps of Engineers has experimented futilely with similar designs
<<and found them to be inherently unstable.

North of the border, we don't suffer from that syndrome; that is, the
designers of the GC didn't run around in circles until they disappeared
up there proverbial anus'.  Circumcising [sic] Alberta is intended to
create a Euclidian space into which the province will disappear; thus,
providing an area into which Meech Lake can drain via the GC and
relieving the rest of the country from it's onerous presence.
    
<<To summarize, don't the hazards of the Grand Canal far outweigh
<<the admittedly immense potential benefits of opening and
<<developing the New Lands to the North? As concerned citizens,
<<organized or as individuals, do we nothing to head off the
<<inevitable environmental debacle? Or is it too late, and the
<<focussed juggernaut of the massed, industrial combines too
<<irresistable?

No. Yes. Yes. Yes.
    
Unconcerned,

Korff Barbunk    

    Speaking of relieving the Country of its onerous presence, do you think
    we can include Rushton in the drainoff. Maybe we should limit the scale
    of the GC to his house and immediate surroundings.
    Regards,
    Ron

    From your node name we gather that YOU live in the offensive province,
    so whatever you say is to be disregarded as being just sillyness.
    
    so there!
    
    Jean
    

    Jean,
    
    'Its people like you, wot cause unrest'. I have lived in Ottawa ( 9
    years ), Vancouver ( 6 GREAT years ) and Edmonton for as many more. And
    I can tell you that Alberta is a Great place to be. I have travelled
    the length and breadth of this Great Land seeking Canada in all its
    Glory and multitudinous splendour... WHY my forefathers came to
    Alberta in covered wagons, without the covers, or the wagons. And I
    tell you, it would of taken a lot more than a little Grand Canal to
    turn them back from the Land of Sunshine, Blue skies, Majestic
    mountains, Rich farm land, Oil, the odd tornado, The Edmonton Oilers,
    The Calgary Flames ( you can see them on any golf course in Southern
    Alberta ), Big lakes, cows, horses, dogs, cats, wildebeasts, gnats,
    gnus, lions and tigers and bears (oh my) and several other Great things
    which must have slipped my mind but I'll think of them and then you
    just watch out..
    So what has the East to offer in comparison with all of that eh?
    Answer me that if you can?
    Down with the Grand Colon...uh...Canal.
    
    Sincerely,
    Ron

    The Grand Colon? Hey, we're talking Canadian stuff here, not old U.S.
    presidents!
    
    ...laura

    Let's hope our Grand Canal topic won't degenerate into
    a petty inter-provincial squabble! After all, isn't the
    Canal intended to promote trade nd inter-provincial cooperation,
    provide plentiful irrigation, and solve our problematic situation
    regarding sewage and other sundry wastes?
    
    This Grand Canal scheme may in fact be a progressive and forward-looking
    project! Nevertheless, isn't the prospect of a fleet of dozens
    of filled-to-the-brim VLBC's* daily plying the canal's treacherous
    waters, manuevering through its narrow, twisting, frothing culverts,
    its tunnels, gorges, locks, portages, viaducts and subterranean cuts
    cause for a certain level of anxiety? And too, what about deleterious
    tidal effects? Have these been adequately studied and surveyed?
    
    Also, regarding the provision of full length mats and wads of kalahari
    indigenous hair as emergency absorbant for Brylcreme(tm) cargo spilled,
    jettisoned, leaked or otherwise lost overboard: Aren't we talking
    about yet another endangered species then? What is to be done?
    
    * VLBC's - Very Large Brylcreme(tm) Carriers, fondly referred to by
    	tugboat operators and barge crewmen as "slippery slicks".
    

      Although VLBC's do pose a major environmental risk, one that has been
    overlooked, because it's easy to step on, is the aparent proliferation
    of penguin feces poluting the Grand Canal and thus seeping into all of
    Canada's water tables, and chairs too. It's a known fact that we
    Canadians are being overun with penguins! I can't get into my bath
    without six or seven penguins jumping in with me! And there are several
    in the kitchen right now eating my wife's jam! OH there climbing up my
    legs! I can't even get to the dog team in the morning to get to work
    for the penguins blocking the way! There's even one that exploded on
    top of my television set! (Although this one had "property of the zoo"
    stamped on it)
    
    Why doesn't Brian DO something before it's too late?!?!
    
    Glenn

    Don't be silly, penguins only come from the south pole - could you
    possibly be imagining all this?
    
    If you really need help, I'll arrange to drive my chevy pickup with
    the gun rack loaded to help rid you of those nasty penguins.
    
    

    SSHhhhhhhhh!
    
    YOU know penguins only come from the south pole, and I know penguins
    only come from the south pole, but our friends to the south will
    believe anything.
    
    Gotta go chop the ice around the igloo,
    
    Glenn

Many Penguins live right at the equator.

But none live near polar bears, except at zoos.

/john

    Not wishing to jump the gun and be the first user to respond
    to this splendiferous topic about the decline in the level of seriousness,
    but I wanted to be the first user to respond to this splendiferous
    topic about the decline in the level of seriousness.
        
    My question, in the unfolding of time and the expansion of the 
    universe, is quite plain, in a paradoxical way, and considerably
    direct, that is, with limited obliqueness.  
    
    I believe that to pose such a question is not within the realm
    of serendipitous alacrity, rather it is to avoid supercilious
    responses from the Great Dipthong, His Asserted Obtuseness,
    The Right Horrible Moderator.
    
    The question follows:
    
    		What level of silliness will you permit in this
    		bestest of all conferences?
    
    
    Yours ingratiatingly,
    
    Korff  Barbunk (unblemished by the ravages of intelligence)
    

    >Yawn< *scratch*
    
    sniff, did someone say something ?
    
    No ? okay ...
    
    'night.
    
    Scooter
    (Moderator Dude)

Re: -.1

Mi gawd! It moved!

    No, our engrossing "Grand Canal" topic isn't dead yet, or not
    hardly, no-ways. There are remaining far too many GC eddies,
    rivulets, topics, and technicalities, unexplored and ripe for
    our analysis and interpretation.
      
    re .42 "rigor mortus" (sic)
    
    Oh, you must mean "rigger mortise." This is a type of mortise
    and tenon joint, rigged temporarily to secure a canal's levee
    corners (and their associated flying buttresses) in *some* of
    the world's more sophisticated (engineering-wise) canals.
    Later, when full-sized barge-cranes can be floated in, these
    temporary (i.e. rigger) mortises are replaced by permanent
    scaffolds, themselves held in place by an adhesive mixture of
    asphaltum and brylcreme (tm), an amalgam found to occur, quite
    naturally enough, along the banks of certain canals.
    
    Now, while we're on the general topic of canal engineering, and
    flying, I'll remind readers that topic 290.7 contains a sobering
    account of the hazards to aviation (including international
    flights) posed by the GC and its construction. Not to be a
    spoilsport, throw cold water on the canal, or accuse the GC of
    being "terrorist", but: With life-critical *aviation radar systems*
    now being incapacitated by the GC's blastings, I say it's time
    for a frank reckoning of the GC's costs vs benefits. Are we, the
    flying public, obligated to cross-subsidize the construction of
    the GC, by sacrificing our own in-flight safety, and perhaps our very
    lives? And what about the anticompetitive nature of the proposed
    cheap barge-shipping-rates on the GC ?  Through this devious mechanism,
    the GC's backers threaten to undercut (and yes, undermine...) today's
    lucrative bulk air-cargo shipment of Canadian tar-sands to an
    energy-hungry southern market.
    
    So, is the GC perhaps a step in the wrong direction? Where will
    this sad trail of cartel-inspired, expansionist recklessness and
    ruthless environmental despoilation end?
    

    When the Grand Canal comes online, all ATC centers will be doing away
    with their antiquated radar systems, and installing a more
    environmentally friendly system - sonar.
    
    It's the Earth Day thing to do.
    
    Scooter

    Now back to this here Grand Canal we've been discussing:
    
    Will the Canal be arranged in such a way as to fill Meech
    Lake, to drain it, or merely cause Meech Lake to become
    progressively more swampy? I would assume the later, but
    remain unconvinced of any need to squander hard-earned
    Canadian tax-dollers to achieve such an objective. Viewed
    in this way, doesn't it make good sense to trick those
    unsuspecting American taxpayers into footing the bill
    for canal construction?
    
    And what about those locks? We've been told the Canal totally
    circumscribbles Britsh East Africa and Seychelles, and for reasons
    of hydrodynamic efficiency also returns to its starting point.
    Hence the operating manual for the Canal's intricate system of
    locks and floodgates must be multilingual. But rumours abound
    that the requisite Innuit variant of the Grand Canal Operator's
    Manual has been deliberately suppressed, most likely as an act of
    institutionalized terror. Isn't this unfair, and as a consequence,
    won't the safe, prompt delivery of our precious brylcreme (tm)
    cargoes be jeopardized?

    An ounce of prevention is worth a pounding whirly-twirly.
    
    
    Glenn

    
    Although Pat must be aware of this fact and ergo sum, ipso facto,
    corpus dilecti a part of the COVER-UP, the truth is finally out and the
    connection between GC and FT (ie. Free Trade) is naked before us all!
    
    The weekend edition of the London (Ontario) Free Press had a half page
    article on the GC (Roots: The Final Ditch) and all the players
    involved.
    
    The major lobbyist for the GC is none other than Simon Reisman, who
    later became Canada's Free-Trade negotiator.
    
    Oh woe is we!
    
    -doug

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis
exponebantur ad necem.

Heu, modo itera omnia quae mihi nunc nuper narravisti, sed nunc
Anglice.

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.

Semper vale et salve,

Cornelius

    Indeed the canal plot does sound to be a very
    treacherous conspiracy. Especially when you couch
    it in odd Swahili (?) lingo like that.
    
    But the Canadian spring thaw is expected quite soon now.
    In about 5 or 6 months. Any of you folks living or playing
    within a few hundred miles of the canal should really be
    preparing for the horrific floods. Due a VLBCC getting its
    gigantic twirling propellor snarled up in St. Lucifer's Locks,
    the drainage conditions will be far, far worse than usual. For
    the canal, that is. Well, you can't say you haven't been warned.
    

    I like you.....
    

    We may just have a new convert there!
    
    Jean
    

    Does the Grand Canal have its own indigenous Nessies?
    Or will it be "nessiesary" to import a couple from
    Loch Ness, in order to establish a self-sustaining
    population? Personally, I find it hard to believe the
    Canal will ever succeed in paying off its bondholders
    unless something quite dramatic is done, and soon, to
    improve the sagging tourism revenues. Gigantic as they may
    be, the Lock and Mooring Fees shelled out by the transitting
    VLBCC's are simply inadequate to pay the operting expenses
    and provide a fair return on investment for the all the
    loyal Little People who've sunk their entire nesteggs
    into this stupendous civil engineering boondoggle.
    

    Import ? Why import ? We have our own locks on the Grand Canal !
    But here, our version of Nessie is the "honest politician", or "politicians
    that mean what they say, and don't rip off the public", for short. They are
    even more ellusive than Nessie - there has never even been an
    unconfirmed sighting of one.
    
    Scooter

    It seems another "Grand Canal entrepreneur" is preparing
    to launch a rival project! No doubt as part of a colossal
    conspiracy to undercut, drain, subvert and deplete our
    favorite (existing) Grand Canal.
    
    Only time will tell if this upstart second canal will gain
    the support of maritime shippers, and that essential
    wink-and-a-nod from those shadowy forces controlling the
    Interprovincial Brylcreme Cartel. No doubt there'll be
    plenty of pork-barrel construction contracts up for grabs,
    and money changing hands in smoke-filled rooms!
    
    But isn't one Grand Canal more than enough? Why muddy
    the waters, after all the accumulated expenditures?
    For the curious, further unlawful Canal knowledge can
    be had in note 459.
    

    This will no doubt affect Canadian Beef Tripe exports!

    A chap from AECL insinuated (with a "mote" in his eye)
    that the Canal Co. could easily float more bonds, if it
    were totally drained and then refilled with Heavy Water.
    

    So now you see it *IS* too late to put a "stopper"
    to this infernal cabal ! It seems no one can muster
    the courage to stand up to those insidious brylcreme
    magnates.
    

    The onset of cold weather once again has frozen the
    magnificent Grand Canal as solid as a hockey puck.
    

	Actually, much of the canel is kept open until the end of
	December by a fleet of canoes rigged for ice breaking. These
	powerful boats command respect wherever they go with their
	rugged Canuk Tyre ice breaking attachment and four person crews.

	Charlie

    I've heard that this year they will be using water bombers to dump salt
    on the Grand Canal to keep it open. During the trial runs they managed
    to sink 3 ice breaker canoes. There are apparently going to try another
    trial run but one ice breaker canoe crewmember said "This would only
    rub salt into old wounds".
    
    Interesting.

    The Americans won't like our dropping salt into the Grand Canal
    because that will pollute their water supply (which is after all
    the primary purpose .... diverting the Canadian Watershed for them
    to water their lawns!)
    
    Stuart

    Stuart! Was that really you?!?
    
    8^)

    During the emergency pumpout of Chicago's flooded
    subterranean railroad system, the mean water level of
    the Grand Canal was observed to increase by 15 inches.
    And the GC's alewife and eel populations surged!
    
    Do you suspect any connection, mysterious or otherwise,
    between these two seemingly distinct bodies of water?
    

    
    Re: .63 
    
    Glenn, something is afoot. Better send security over to see if
    his password is intact?
    
    Pat

    Nope, it got flushed into the "Canale Grande"!

    It has come to my attention that there are certain noters in this file
    that do not appreciate discussions or the mention of the Grand Canal.
    Is this true? Why would anyone spurn such a great achievement?

    Just curious,

    Glenn

    megaprojects are out of fashion.

    Mais moi je vote OUI au GRAND CANAL!
    
    Jean
    

    Est-ce-que tu veut donner tout l'eau de James Bay aux Americains ?
    C'est l'effet de votez oui au Grand Canal!
    
    Stuart

I love it when you guys talk dirty!

Do you remember the famous "Nixon Drinks Canada Dry" button?

-Alex

    
    
    Les anglophones pensent tous que les francophones parlent "mal", ce
    n'est qu'une autre langue.
    
    Je ne vois aucun probl�me � envoyer l'eau de la Baie James aux
    Am�ricains, de toute fa�on c'est de l'eau sal�e.
    
    VIVE LE GRAND CANAL LIBRE!!!!!
    
    Jean
    

    Le general surely was a character, not much of that type around any
    more

Is that "salty" language?

-Alex

    Donner l'eau de la Baie James?   Mais, le project hydroelectrique, q'
    est-ce-qui se passera???
    
    
    In the words of another song...
    
    
    Whoops there goes a billion kilowatt...
       Whoops there goes a billion kilowatt dam!!
    
    
    
    
    Pieter

Paru dans La Presse, lundi le 16 Novembre 1992

Par Marie Tison de la Presse Canadienne

          LES  MEGAPROJETS COMME LE GRAND CANAL 
          NE  RESOUDRAIENT PAS LA PENURIE D'EAU

Ce  ne  sont  pas des m�gaprojets comme Grand Canal qui vont
r�gler  le  probl�me  de  la  p�nurie d'eau.  Il faut plut�t
regarder  du  c�t� des petits projets, de la conservation et
m�me du contr�le de la croissance de la population.

C'est  ce  qu'indique  la  vice-pr�sidente � la recherche du
Worldwatch  Institute, Mme Sandra Postel, dans une �tude sur
la  raret�  de l'eau parue en fin de semaine.  Le Worldwatch
Institute  est  un  organisme de recherche bas� � Washington
qui se sp�cialise dans les questions environnementales.

Mme  Postel  a affirm� en entrevue que m�me si on ne parlait
plus  autant  de Grand Canal, ce m�gaprojet n'�tait pas tout
fait mort.

Le  projet  Grand  Canal  (pour Great Recycling and Northern
Development)  vise  � construire des digues � l'entr�e de la
Baie  James  pour  en faire un r�servoir d'eau douce.  Cette
eau  serait  pomp�e  vers  les Grands Lacs puis canalis�e en
direction  de  l'ouest am�ricain, une r�gion qui conna�t une
p�nurie d'eau.

C'est  au  cours  des  ann�es 30 que l'ing�nieur montr�alais
Thomas Kierans, qui r�side maintenant � Terre-Neuve, a con�u
ce projet.

Dans son livre  L'�nergie du Nord paru apr�s son retour � la
t�te du Parti lib�ral, M.  Robert Bourassa s'est montr� tr�s
favorable   �   cette   id�e,   "une  solution  qui  semble
particuli�rement intelligente".  Il a �crit que "les revenus
tir�s des exportations d'eau douce pourraient avoir un effet
inestimable  sur la progression du produit int�rieur brut du
Qu�bec et du reste du Canada".

Mme  Postel a affirm� que l'appui de M.  Bourassa au projet,
sa  pr�sence  �  la  t�te    du  gouvernement  qu�b�cois  et
certaines  mentions  ici  et l� lui laissaient croire que le
projet  �tait  encore  vivant,  tout  au moins encore sur la
planche � dessin.

"On   continue   �   faire   des   �tudes  sur  les  impacts
environnementaux", a-t-elle affirm�.

Cependant, dans son �tude, intitul�e Last Oasis (La derni�re
oasis),  Mme  Postel  soutient  que  les projets comme Grand
Canal   ne   peuvent   �tre   viables   �conomiquement  sans
importantes subventions gouvernementales.

"Le  jour  o�  les  fermiers  et  les  autres  b�n�ficiaires
pourront se payer l'eau dispendieuse g�n�r�e par ces projets
et  faire  des  profits  est  tr�s loin; il pourrait bien ne
jamais arriver", �crit-elle.

Elle a ajout� en entrevue que le gouvernement des Etats-Unis
�tait  justement  en  train  d'essayer  de  mettre fin � ses
subventions  aux  grands  projets  hydrologiques,  et que le
gouvernement canadien semblait suivre la m�me voie.

Dans  L'�nergie  du  Nord,  M.   Bourassa  affirme  que  les
technologies  et  le  savoir-faire acquis par l'Am�rique du
Nord  en  hydrologie  pourraient  �tre  mis  au  service des
r�gions du monde o� l'eau fait le plus cruellement d�faut.

Mme  Postel  a cependant soutenu que la plupart du temps, de
petits  projets  et des mesures de conservation �taient plus
rentables  �conomiquement  et  environnementalement  que des
m�gaprojets.

En  g�n�ral,  la  conservation  et les petits projets cr�ent
plus d'emplois, a ajout� Mme Postel.

"Installer   des   toilettes   qui  utilisent  moins  d'eau,
renforcer  les  canaux  d'irrigation  et  recycler l'eau des
usines  n'a  pas  le  fla-fla  et  l'attrait politique de la
construction  d'un  �norme  barrage, �crit-elle.  Cependant,
ces mesures sont au coeur d'une solution rentable et durable
au probl�me de l'eau."

Mme Postel affirme que les gouvernements, la Banque Mondiale
et  les autres institutions qui �tablissent les priorit�s en
mati�re d'eau et qui financent les projets hydrologiques, se
doivent  de  placer  le  d�veloppement �cologique durable au
centre de leurs pr�occupations.

"Plus  souvent  qu'autrement,  cela  favorisera  les projets
petite  �chelle,  comme  les pompes, les puits et les petits
r�servoirs,   plut�t   que   les  grands  barrages  et  le
d�tournement  de rivi�res, qui tendent � causer davantage de
pr�judices � l'environnement", soutient-elle.

Elle affirme finalement que seul un ralentissement rapide de
la   croissance   de   la   population  permettra  d'assurer
suffisamment d'eau � tous les habitants de la plan�te.

"Sans  cela, toutes les mesures de conservation ne serviront
qu'� gagner du temps", conclut-elle.

    J'ai mon voyage.

re .77

Well, that just sucks dirty canal water.

    Way to go Glenn, you managed to get a GRAND CANAL note in note 638.
    
    Bravo
    
    Jean
    

    Well... actually, my note made no mention of the Grand Canal but Stuart
    mentioned it several times in 638.3

    Thanks for the accolades though....
    
    All Hail The Grand Canal
    
    This is 282 right? phew...
    
    Glenn

    
    This file needs the GC as a long term plan, just as this company
    needs one, nay, as this country needs one. There are too many
    knee-jerk planners around, and too many knee-jerk complainers.
    
    <Flame off>
    
    Pat

    Hey Pat,
    
    	This is the Grand Canal note. You can write it out plainly for all
    to next unsee.... GC just looks like another DEC acronym
    
    All Hail The Grand Canal!
    
    

RE: .82:

>    Well... actually, my note made no mention of the Grand Canal but Stuart
>    mentioned it several times in 638.3

Not only did he mention it, he extended the joke...

>                                                        Those who don't
>    like GC notes then are at liberty to skip over it.

I can just picture those humorless Grand Canal haters now, wet to their belly
buttons. Hope their toes stay dry.

Rob

P.S. Anyone got a copy of Stephen Leacock's "Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town"
they'd be willing to part with? This puts me in mind of his tale of the sinking 
of the 'Mariposa Belle', which I haven't read in far too long.

To the Globerator of this Notes Conference:

As the first NOTER to sight the Grand Canal during its construction phase,
I feel a certain twinge of guilt about the recent misuse of some Notesfiles
with inappropriate references to this excellent and enviable feat of
Canadian engineering.

I agree with you in all of your wet-blanketness in castigating the recalcitrant
perpetrators, in the past, now and in the future.

Yours is a thankless task, and one in which you excel.  I want to congratulate
you on a job well done!

Yours obsequiously,

Korff O'Barbunk 
Senior Project Manager
Grand Canal and Telephone Post-hole Development

    Stop that! It's silly!

    Started out as a nice little idea of a Canal stretching from coast to
    coast, but know it's just gotten silly! Very silly indeed.....

    What we need now is some precision drilling!

Sincerely,

    Glenn (In a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic)

    The Grand Canal started out as the Canadian Watershed Diversion
    Project.  The thing running coast to coast was the Great Railway ...
    and look what's left of that!
    
    Welcome back Pat ... I began to think you'd been laid out ooops laid
    off or something!
    
    Stuart

    
    And after the demise of the rail link, the Grand Canal is the
    tenuous thread that binds us together.
    
    Long dig the Grand Canal!!
    
    The other Pat

    re: .286
    
  >As the first NOTER to sight the Grand Canal during its construction phase,
  >I feel a certain twinge of guilt about the recent misuse of some Notesfiles
  >with inappropriate references to this excellent and enviable feat of
  >Canadian engineering.
    
    I believe that should read...  "feet of Canadian engineering" !!! ;^)
    
    
    
    

    Was the first section of the canal built by Big Joe Mufferaw ?
    He used his feet a lot.

    That's Joe MONFERRANT! (as sung by Gilles Vigneault)
    
    Jean
    

re:
>> Note 638.3      Moderatorial Notice     3 of 3
>> KAOFS::S_BROOK     30 lines   7-DEC-1992 14:15

>> I enjoy humour and have been known to interject
>> a GC jibe myself ... but there comes a limit.
    
Surely not a public admission of guilt, I hope!
Especially on the part of one of our esteemed Globerators.

>> If you want to add GC jibes, then put them in the GC note ... 
>> those who read notes by Next Unseen will find it anyway.

Of course, this is after all one reason why the GC note
was established in the first place. Such foresight!

>> Those who don't like GC notes then are
>> at liberty to skip over it.

Sounds dangerous. GC notes have been required reading
for nearly as long as we can remember. Is it not our
patriotic duty? In any case, the forthcoming official
release of NOTES has been specially modified. It
disallows skipping over GC entries via "next unseen". 
One more forced-feeding policy, imposed at the request
of high unnamed canal authorities?

And now, without further formality or ado, won't someone
*please* post the Grand Canal 1993 SPRING-THAW-OUT schedule?

    They say the Rideau Canal is the longest skating rink ... but
    with the GCSRC (Grand Canal Skating Rink Committee) it should
    be easily possible to outdo the Rideau.  I hereby nominate
    Mr. McAllen, Mr Rushton, and Mr. Richardson to the committee ...
    note that it is LOW budget ... so they'll have to go out with
    the snow shovels themselves!
    
    Stuart

    Ahem....

    I would like to take this time to publicly accept this nomination to
    the Grand Canal Skating Rink Committee. As a faithful committee
    member, I will do my utmost to promote and foster the feelings of
    goodwill which are now running rampant across our great wind bag
    infested land. To this end and to the ends of the many people who find
    they have wiped out on the Grand Canal Skating Rink I would like to say
    let's put this behind us! I hope to work very closely with the other
    members of the Grand Canal Skating Rink Committee to see to it that our
    budget gets the increase it deserves so that the said committee may
    indulge themselves in riotous living.

    We have faced tough times, perhaps even grim times, to note a few..
    Now it's time for change! If I'm elected to the Grand Canal Skating
    Rink Committee, you won't be sorry. We'll have fun and throw darts
    at the Moderator Committee For A Saner Canal billboards. If you think
    of the velocities a dart could attain when thrown from a speeding
    skater, well, you can see that we're all in for a very good time!!

    On January 7th, vote Glenn Richardson for Grand Canal Skating Rink
    Committee Member!

I should let my Canadian friends know that Pam and I have reserved a boat
from Rideau Lakes Vacations, Ltd., and will be canaling our way to Ottawa
this June.

So don't drink any of the water, please.

/john

    John, my place is about a 5 minute walk from Hog's Back. Before you go
    through the lock, give me a call.
    
    So could this be considered a Covert operation?
    
    ;-)
    
    Glenn

    Now that the Coast Guard has completed its investigation of the Carp
    Creek to determine its fitness as a navigable waterway, do you suppose
    someone might suggest they also investigate the Grand Canal to
    determine its fitness as a navigable waterway where it runs through the
    Digital property in Kanata? And what if they find it is navigable?
    Would they then retroactively attempt to withhold the building permit
    for KAO Phase IV? Or perhaps just insist that the parking lot be
    reduced in size. The locks could be placed where the parking lot
    currently exists just north of Phase IV.
    
    Just a thought.

  How true!

  How wonderfully true!

  How wonderfully , bubblingly , frothingly , burstingly true!

  What a truly ecstasy inducingly correct observation!
    
    
    Glenn

    Contrary to POLAR::RICHARDSON, I will attempt to provide a reasoned and
    responsible reply to your earnest request.
    
    No, there is no need to dredge up the issue of the Grand Canal as it
    pertains to the Kanata Digital site.  With foresight and a good lock on
    their senses, the designers of said Canal chose to pass under the
    parking lot.  Evidence of this can be seen by the sudden disappearance
    of canoeists on the Carp River near the Hwy 417 overpass, and their
    equally sudden re-appearance in the Rideau Canal at Hogs Back.
    
    Split the mainbrace (and other dental references),
    
    Korff

	re: <<< Note 282.98 by TEKDEV::SMELLIE >>>

>    The locks could be placed where the parking lot currently exists just 
>    north of Phase IV.
    
	I heard that they were going to have a land based ferry service 
	instead of locks.  The service would double as a shuttle for those 
	intrepid folks parking in the back 40.  8*)

	Shawn

	>>I heard that they were going to have a land based ferry service 
	>>instead of locks.  The service would double as a shuttle for those 
	>>intrepid folks parking in the back 40.  8*)

	>>Shawn
    
    The rocket canoe shuttle service will commence after its refit (it was
    made of ferro-cement).
    
    Korff

    
    Ahhhaaa! Now we find out why this outfit seems to be up a creek without a
    paddle.     
    
    
    

    Gee, now I have a raft of questions I would like answers to....
    
    Glenn