Conference hydra::dejavu

    B: Yes, I can.
    
    A: Can you predict the future?
    
    B: Thank you very much.
    
    A: Say, that's very good!
    
    Earl Wajenberg

    In the old days of the SALEM WITCH TRIALS there was a midget who
    went around predicting the future. The local authorities captured
    the midget and put him in a cell to await trial. In the coarse of
    the evening the man escaped next day in the papers the headlines
    read:      SMALL   MEDIUM  AT  LARGE! 
    
    

    I shouldn't hog this,, but before I forget it---
    
    Groucho Marx was once talked into going to a seance.  The medium
    in turn asked each guest who he or she would like to speak to, and
    when it was Groucho's turn, he said he wanted to speak to his uncle
    [I forget the name, say "Ed"].
    
    The medium groaned and rocked,. and finally a voice asked for Groucho.
    He asked who it was, and the voice answered it was his uncle Ed.
    Grouccho asked him where he was, and the voice said something on
    the order of, "In a beautiful, peaceful land where all those good
    souls who have departed find a better life."
    
    Groucho asked, "What are you doing _there_?  When I phoned yopu
    this morning, you were in Cincinnati!"
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    A fortune teller answers her telephone.
    
    "This is Mme. Olga.  I see all and know all.  To whom am I speaking?

    "Would all those in the audience with psychokinetic powers please raise
    my hand."
    
			    Emo on David Letterman Wednesday morning.

    
    
    Telepathetic  -  Someone with pitiful psychic abilities.
    
    

    Two psychisc pass in the street.  One says, "Hi, there!  You're
    fine, how am I"?
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    For quit some time now I've been trying to raise the temprature
    of a glass of water by mental consentration but, as far as i've
    raised it was to room temprature!
                                                     BILL COLLETON

    A skeptic of the paranormal was engeigled by a friend to go to a
    famous Tarot reader.  The reader, knowing that the subject was a
    skeptic went out of her way to do an extraordinary reading.  She
    shufflwed the cards, had the skeptic reshuffle them tghree times,
    then divide the deck into four piles.  She then took two of the
    piles and formed an elaborate pattern of 36 cards in a multiple-cross
    pattern.
    
    The skeptic took one look and said ...
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    "Big deal!"
    
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    I use to do a comedy mindreading act where my assistant would go
    into the audiance and pick up different objects and I while blindfolded
    would accurately name the object in hand.  say for example she would
    hold a watch up for all to see she would then ask me "what am i
    holding in my hand ...take your TIME on this one" then i would give
    the obvious answere some other q's and a's follow  if not funny
    qute.
     don't get stuck on this one ......       pin
    your thinking in circles ..........       ring
    you can see threw this one ........       glasses
    now concentrate ...................       orange juice
    thats enough for now can you think of any?

    
    
    
    

	Astrology Buff:  "I was born on a cusp!"

	Astrology Skeptic:  "That must have hurt!"

			 .-----.
			/  o o  \
			\ \___/ /
			 `-----'
			 <_Jym_>

    re .11:
    
    Although I'm not sure stage stuff should qualify, I'll add this:
    
    A nubile lady mindreader in Zatanna-like costume was starting her
    number when a businessman jumped from his seat in the audience and
    said, "I'm from Idaho.  What am I thinking?"
    
    "Idaho?"  She responded.  She paused a moment, smiled, and shook
    her head.  "Well," she said, "Boise will be Boise."
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    And then there was the lady who was entertaining a male friend in
    a hotel when she heard a noise in the hallway.
    
    "It's my husband!  Jump out the window!" she said.
    
    "Are you crazy?' her friend asked.  "This is the thirteenth floor!"
    
    She sighed.  "This is a devil of a time to be superstitious."
    
    -- Steve Kallis, Jr
    

    
    "The Clairvoyant society meeting tonight has been
     cancelled due to unforseen circumstances"
    
    

    poultryhiest - person who steals chickens.

    Question:  What's the difference between a spook and a lame sailor?
    
    Answer:    One's a hobgoblin and the other's a gob hobblin'.
    
    (ouch!)
    
    -M-

    
      A young fellow in Shrewsbury went to consult a famous seer about
    his future.
    
      The seer asked him to pluck a hair from behind his left ear and
    hand it to her.
    
      He did so and she sniffed it, weighed it in her palm, and then
    began to giggle.  The giggles became chuckles and then bellylaughs.
    In a few moments she was hysterical with delighted laughter.
    
      The young man stiffened  and belted her a good one right across
    the chops, knocking her halfway across the room.
    
      She picked herself up slowly and looked at him in amazement. "Why
    did you do that?", she asked.
    
      "My parents," he replied haughtily, "encouraged me always to strike
    a happy medium."

One night an accountant had a dream.  He dreamt about a giant neon
numeral "5".  He woke up suddenly from the dream, and looked at his
clock -- it said that it was 5:55.  He couldn't go back to sleep so
he got the book he had been reading, and discovered that he was on
page 55 in chapter 5.

Later when he fixed breakfast he found that there were exactly 5 eggs
in the fridge.  He went to work and it took him 55 minutes.  They sent
him over to the new office, and it took another 55 minutes.  The new
office was at 555 Fifth Avenue -- room 5555 on the 55th floor.

He decided someone was trying to tell him something.

Sure enough, all through the day, all his figures kept on coming up
fives.

So at the end of the day, at 5 of course, he left and traveled 55 minutes
to get to the racetrack.

He arrived just in time for the 5th race.  He bet $5,555 (leaving his
life savings at 55 cents) on #5 -- Fiveway.

	.	.	.

Naturally his horse came in fifth.

			Topher

    I heard a comedian recently that said this.
    
    "My friends and I were playing poker with a Tarot card deck the
    other night.  I got a full house and two people died."

    
    Re .21:
    
    Swords on cups?
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    

    The comedian in .21 was Steve Wright.  he's the one with the girl
    friend who somehow got poison ivy on her brain.  The only way she
    could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
    
    Earl Wajenberg

    I got this one from JOYOFLEX.
    
    What happens if you don't pasy your bill from an exorcist?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    You get repossessed.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    I noticed this when entering a note about Ouiji boards.
    
    DECSPELL thinks the correct spelling for Ouiji is "edgy".
    
    Elizabeth
    

    Re .25:
    
    >    DECSPELL thinks the correct spelling for Ouiji is "edgy".

    And did you hear about the low-tech sorcerer who nearly wore out
    his full library of grimoires looking for a DEC spell?
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

	That one's GRIM, Steve...

					-- Mike

    
    
    Saw this on a sign outside a hair salon
    
          "Walk-Ins Welcome"
    
    They could get a lot more than they bargained for!
    
    Carole  :-)
    
    

    It is pouring buckets of rain at the moment.  We have had massacre
    murders in Melbourne, it is a very down time - air in our building
    is so bad we fall asleep by 2pm - and then I ready your note.
    
    Thankyou .28 for making my day.
    
    ....dale

    The following was copied without permission from the August 26 edition
    of _Westword_ newspaper, a paper distributed free in Denver. 
    
    Listen, I want to clear the air about this New-agey type stuff. I heard
    about this bash on August 16 with the Harmonica Virgins. I heard I was
    supposed to go to a sacred Earth energy spot to catch the vibes and get
    me a little "transforming" job done.  Well, let me tell you, I went
    along with they hype, loaded up the Bronco with a couple of Corona
    sixes and headed to sacred Wash Park for some fun-in-the-sun with these
    musical babes.  For the record, not only didn't the Harmonica Virgins
    show up, I didn't hear anything that even vaguely sounded like J. Geils
    of Stevie Wonder! 
    
    Now, I consider myself a pretty righteous sort of guy, and I'm about
    willing to believe just about anything unexplainable; like God, alien
    life-forms and virgins.  But, hey, a promise is a promise. By the end
    of the day Sunday, I wouldn't have cared if these Harmonica Virgins
    were Tuba-playing Harpies, I was ready for some serious partying.  and
    as for being "transformed", I woke up Monday with a second-degree
    sunburn, a hangover from soaking the suds, and mad as hell.  That's
    pretty transformational. 
    
    Next time, I'm getting a written guarantee from Shirley Maclaine before
    I put my ____ on the line.  Just thought I ought to let you know. 
    
    An enlightened Dude,                                             
    Denver

    Taken from the comic "Kudzu" in the Boston Globe on Tuesday,
    January 12, 1988:
    
    It is a talk show conversation between the Preacher and
    a toaster. (Yes, I do mean the kind you pop your bread into
    to make breakfast!)
    
    Toaster: "As one of Shirley MacLaine's past lives, I want to thank
              you, Preacher, for inviting us Gurus, Channelers, UFO-ers,
    	      and Assorted New Age Space Cadets as guests on your show...
              I mean, it's pretty open minded of a traditional minister
              like you to give opposing spiritual views a fair shake..."
    
    Preacher: "Actually, Shirl', I should be thanking you...Y'all make
               us TV preachers look normal!"
    
    
    (This is not intended to offend anyone. Please take it in the spirit
    in which it was intended - from someone who has often been told
    she has a rather strange sense of humor)
                      
    -Amy.

    	Saw this headline on the front page of the NATIONAL STAR in
    the grocery store this week:
    
    	"Archaeologist claims that cavemen looked like Elvis"
    
    	:^)
    

    Heard a good one today, that I'll add here.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    
    Story:
    
    It seems there were two close buddies, Bob and Jim, who were avid
    baseball fans.  They were friends from childhood, plasyed the game
    when young, watched it when older.
    
    When they were in their mid-50s, Bob was stricken and rushed to
    the hosp[ital.  Despite heroic measures, the staff couldn't keep
    Bob from deteriorating.  
    
    Jim visited Bob shortly before he pasased on.  "Bob," Jim said,
    "would you do me a favor?"
    
    "If I can."
    
    "Could you tell me if they play baseball in Heaven?"     
    
    Bob stared at his old friend.  "If there's any way I can, I'll let
    you know."
    
    Those weren't Bob's precise last words, but they were the last Jim
    heard before Bob passed on.
    
    About a week after the funeral, Jim was sitting on a park bench,
    musing over life, and soaking up sun rays.  Suddenly, he heard a
    voice:
    
    "Jim?"
    
    He recognized it immediately.  "Bob?  You got through!"
    
    "I keep my promises.  And on your question, I have good news and
    bad news.  Which would you rather hear first?"
    
    Jim thought for a second.  "Give me the good news."
    
    "They do have baseball in Heaven."
    
    Jim nodded.  "That's great!  What's the bad news?"
    
    "You're pitching next Tuesday."
    

    OH Steve!  Thats probably older than you and I together.  My
    grandfather keeps telling me the same joke.  He's 91. :-)

    Why did the mahareeshi refuse Novacain from the dentist?

    Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

    re: .35  Still doin' 'em, a?  This might not be the file to put
             'em in; you may want to start sweeping the floor before 
             leaving your Barber's.
                     
    						Don

    Bumper sticker....
    
    "My other car is a broom."
    
    Lois

    Bumper sticker....
    
    "How's my driving?
    
     Call 1-800-EAT S***"
    

    From NY....that figures!
    
    Cindy  (an_ex_native_New_Yorker)

                           ALICE in DIGITALand
    			     author unknown 
 
"Where am  I?"  asked  Alice,  as see peered at the large 7 lettered sign
with the standard blue letters.
 
"You're in Digitaland,"  replied  the  security  guard,  "May  I see your
badge?"
 
"I don't have a badge."
 
"Did you lose it?"
 
"No." answered Alice in  a  puzzled  tone.  "How could I lose something I
never had?"
 
"If its is not lost then you must show it to me."
 
"I can't.  I don't have one."
 
"Then you'll have to have a temporary."
 
"A temporary what?" asked alice, more confused then ever.
 
"A temporary badge.  What's your badge number?" requested the guard.
 
"I don't have one"
 
"Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1.  Give me  your  badge  number,  and your
cost center"
 
"I'm so confused.  I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why.  Do
I have to tell you 4?" 
 
"Ahhh.  3XY, badge number 4.    You  must  be very important to have such
a low badge number.  I should have immediately recognized how low by your
state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary.  Go right on in."
 
Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall.  Not
10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking  rabbit  coming  toward
her.   He was dressed in a pair of torn,  faded  jeans,  and  a dirty tee
shirt.  
 
"What's wrong?" Alice asked.
 
"I'm late!  I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart    
dangling from his pocket protector.
 
"Late for what?" asked Alice
 
"My date.  I'm going to miss my date.  I've got  a  deadline  to meet and
I'm not going to make it."
 
"Well,  if  it's  already dead, it probably won't mind.  In fact it  isn't
likely  to be going too far in such a state.  I'm sure that however  long
you take will be just fine."
 
"You obviously don't understand.  Everything  takes longer than it really
does.  It  doesn't  matter  what  you  are doing, only that you meet your
date, and that's always impossible."
 
"Well if it's impossible, why  would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost
at once regretting that she had  asked.    Was  this  was  going to be as
confusing as badges?
 
"It's really very simple.  In order to move forward, you need a goal.  Any
goal will  do.    It  just  has  to be impossible to do.  To motivate the
troops, you have  to  make goals very challenging.  It's really only there
to get a stake  in  the  ground,  you  know.  After that we march in step
until we reach our objective.    The  date  really doesn't mean anything.
You simply have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."
 
"But if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything, why
are you trying to go there?   Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out
what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"
 
"You obviously don't understand the process.   And  as  I said before I'm
late, so there is obviously only one thing to do."
 
"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it  would  sound more like a
suggestion than a question.
 
"No.  No.  No.  A meeting.  Let's find  the  Mad  Manager  and  a number of
involved, interested, or warm bodies."
 
"That will obviously take a lot of time.  I don't think  you  have any to
waste.
 
"No it won't.  All we have to do is find a conference  room.    There are
lots of them right over here."
 
"But,"  started  Alice,  "those rooms are all full of people.  Don't we
need an empty conference room."
 
"Silly thought.   If  we  want to find the Mad Manager and a some meeting
attendees, why would we  look  in  an empty conference room?  Anyway, its
impossible to ever find an empty conference room."
 
The rabbit took Alice by  the  hand,  and  promptly  lead  her  into  the
largest,  fullest conference room.  Alice  immediately  noticed  that  the
wastebasket was quite full of foam cups,  and  overhead  projector bulbs.
These people had obviously been here for a long time.
 
At the head of the table sat a  man  with  a  rather funny suit wearing a
large hat.
 
"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat?
Who is he?"
 
"I'm  the  Mad  Manager,"  answered  the  man  at the end of  the  table,
obviously  overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you  why
I'm wearing this hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."
 
"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.
 
"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.
 
"Is  what  a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third.  "The reason for
the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"
 
"Why don't we take this off line?" queried another.
 
"Does everyone  agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked
the mad manager.
 
"Possibly so.  " injected the person in the corner.  "Could it be that we
have a hidden agenda?"
 
"Oh no!" the Mad  Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone
has hidden the agenda again!  Let me put on my process hat and we'll see
if we can work this issue."
 
With that, he removed his rather  amusing  top hat, and place a big green
fedora on his head.
 
"Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden
agenda.  Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it
is up to all of us to find it."
 
"But, " a voice from the corner piped in,  "who  is  going  to drive this
issue?"
 
"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.
 
"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the mad manager.
 
"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.
 
"I  believe that the woman who came in with the  rabbit proposed  this.
Shouldn't she own it."
 
"Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice.  "I'd say that this is your
issue."
 
"What  issue?    I  don't  have  any issues.  " retorted Alice, nervously
fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."
 
"I'm not  sure  we  can  accept  that," the manager declared.  "We need a
date."
 
"But, " alice began,  remembering what the rabbit told her about dates,
"a date is impossible."
 
From the back of the  room  another  voice asked, "How about a date for a
date?"
 
"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to
give us the date for the date."  stated the person in the corner.
 
"I'm not sure I can do  that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm
supposed to give you a date for.    I'm having a problem trying to figure
out what you want me to do."
 
"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!"  piped a chorus of
voices.
 
"It's  really  quite  obvious,"  the mad manager declared as  he  reached
behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let  me  put on my Digital
hat  for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping  on  his
latest selection, "You must do the right thing."
 
"Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing."
 
"Now,  who  is  keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the
beret  and  placed the fedora back on his head.  "We need to record  this
action item so we can come back to it later."
 
"We obviously can't  deal  with  this  issue until we can determine whose
meeting this is?" 
 
"Should we schedule some time to  cover  that  topic?"  asked  one of the
attendees.
 
"Who's going to drive this?" asked another.
 
Just at the Mad Manager was pulling  out  a  rather  worn  pith helmet, a
voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1
off line"
 
Being closest to the door Alice was the first  to  leave.    She  quickly
dashed  down  the  hall,  and  ran  up  the first flight  of  stairs  she
encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.
 
When  she  open the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if
returning to  the  meeting wasn't a bad idea.  Seated around a large oval
table were what  appeared  to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or
navy blue three piece  suit.   Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped
handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.
 
"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was  sitting at the
head of the table.  Alice noticed that her tie was silk,  and  each  card
seated  near  her  was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to
the queen's.
 
"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked.  By now she was 
feeling beyond confused.
 
"It's  not  a  modern,  iconic,  user  friendly, menu driven,  color,  PC
compatible user interface." replied the queen, in a tone that  would need
to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.
 
"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.
 
"What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.
 
"No, I'm Alice.  Who are you?"  
 
"Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty two part harmony.
 
"And what is that?" asked Alice.
 
There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with
their ties, checked their watches  and  scribbled  notes  on  the pads of
paper contained in a handsome genuine  imitation  leather folders 
embossed with the company logo.  Then one  by  one,  as  dominoes 
would  do, they turned to the person on the left until  they  all 
stared at the queen of hearts. 
 
The queen  cleared  her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared
directly at Alice.   "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow
the business."  
 
"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build"
 
"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical.  We feel it's our
job to develop the vision for the long term."
 
"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"
 
In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a
small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.
 
"Uggggh," that's even more tactical, jeered the chorus.
 
"No!  No!" shouted the Queen.  "You still do not understand.  We take the
pulse of the key market leaders' demand curve."
 
"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."
 
By  now the chorus of  cards  chanting  "Tac-ti-cal!    Tac-ti-cal!"  was
becoming too much.  
 
The queen was furious and repeated her  original greeting.  "Off with her
head!  Off With her head!"
 
"WAIT!" demanded Alice.  "I believe I understand.  You are all responsible
for  driving  the  solution  opportunities  for  the  key  client  supply
perceptions  through  strategic vision management!" 
 
Alice wondered if she should  add something about the claws catching, and
fruminous bandersnatches and thought that she'd  best  leave  it  at  that
before she became ill.
 
"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"
 
"And how, might I ask do you accomplish this lofty and important goal?"
 
"By calling a BOD," the queen responded.
 
"And what, pray tell, might that be?"  inquired  Alice  as she looked for
the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber  would  keep  her head
attached long enough to get out.
 
"A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice  noticed  the door
to the left of the table.  "It's a type of high level meeting."
 
"A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice.  "Not  another  meeting!"  With that
she bolted for the door, no longer  fearing  for her head.  Her only hope
was that she make it through before the  agenda  hit the overhead.  In a
dead run, she passed through the door just as  the projector lamp flicked
on.  The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.
 
Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area.  Directly in front of
her was an enclosed area lined on one side with a triple  chrome 
table.  A stack of plastic trays was at the foyer. 
 
As she wandered through, an assortment of sandwiches, pre-pre-pared foods,
soft drinks and  salad began their daily spiel.  "Eat Me!  Drink Me!  Eat
Me!"
 
"Oh no," answered Alice,  "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and
meetings and agendas, and marketing  and badges, but I do know food.  I'm
not gonna touch any of you.   After the morning I've had I deserve a nice
cheese steak (no lettuce)!"
 
With that, Alice opened the  nearest  exit  door  and left.  A resounding
high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real
world.

    re: .37  And people wonder why there are freeway shootings.

    Taken from a recent _Wizard of Id_ cartoon.
    
    A gypsy fortune teller runs out of her tent, up to a knight [Sir
    Rodney], yelling, "Help!  Someone's stolen my crystal ball!"
    
    Sir Rodney regards her, saying, "Well, I hope whoever did has better
    luck with it than you did."
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    
    "You can't always sometimes tell what you least expect the most,
    
    	     especially when the worst is about to occur!"
             
    Craig

What follows is a poem by archy the cockroach.  This insect was discovered by 
Don Marquis, a newspaper writer of the '20s and '30s.  Marquis came into the
office early one morning and found a large cockroach jumping up and down on
the keys of his typewriter.  Fortunately, he had left a piece of paper in the
machine, and so was able to read what the insect wrote.

He (the insect) revealed that he had once been a vers libre (free verse) poet,
and that for this had been reincarnated as a cockroach.  His name was archy. 

Unfortunately, his weight was insufficient to depress the shift key on Mr.
Marquis's typewriter, so all his works are in lowercase.  Since this
typewriter also had all its punctuation marks in the uppercase from the
numbers, archy's works are also unpunctuated. 

Archy's travels around the wheel of karma have made him familiar with a number 
of unusual spirits, incarnate and discarnate.  For example, here is a 
ghost's-eye view of what is now called "channeling":

	   clarence the ghost

	the longer i live the more i
	realize that everthing is
	relative even morality is
	relative things you would not do
	somteimtes you would do other
	times for instance i would not consider
	it honorable in me as a
	righteous cockroach to crawl into a
	near sighted man s soup that
	man would not have a sporting chance but
	with a man with ordinarily good eye
	sight i should say it was 
	up to him to watch his soup himself and
	yet if i was very tired and hungry
	i would crawl into even a near
	sighted man s soup knowing all the
	time it was wrong and my necessity would
	keep me from reproaching myself too
	bitterly afterwards you can
	not make any hard and fast rule
	concerning the morality of crawling into
	soup nor anything else a certain
	alloy of expedience improves the
	gold of morality and makes
	it wear all the longer consider a
	ghost if i were a ghost i
	would not haunt ordinary people but i
	would have all the fun i wanted to with
	spiritualists for spiritualists are
	awful nuissances to ghosts i knew a
	ghost by the name of clarence one 
	time who hated spiritualists with a
	great hatred you see said clarence they
	give me no rest they have got my 
	number once one of those psychics gets a
	ghost s number so he has to come
	when he is called they work him till
	the astral sweat stands out in beads
	on his spectral brow they seem to think
	said clarence that all a spook has to do
	is stick around waiting it dash in
	with a message as to whether mrs millionbucks
	pet pom has pneumonia or only wheezes
	because he has been eating too many
	squabs clarence was quite
	bitter about it but wait he says till
	the fat medium with the red nose
	that has my number
	passes over and i can get my
	clutches on him on equal terms there s
	going to be some initiation beside
	the styx several of the boys are
	sore on him a plump chance i have
	don t i to improve myself and pass on
	to another star with that medium
	yanking me into somebody s parlor to
	blow through one of these little tin
	trumpets any time of the day or night
	honest archy he says i hate the sight of a
	ouija board would it be moral he
	says to give that goof a bum tip on the
	stock market life ain t worth
	dying he says if you ve got to fag
	for some chinless chump of a psychic
	nor death ain t worth living
	through would it be moral in me to
	queer that little simp with his
	little circle by saying he s got an
	anonymous diamond brooch in his pocket
	and that his trances are rapidly developing
	his kleptomania no clarance i said it
	wouldn t be moral but it
	might be expedient there s a ghost
	around here i have been trying to get
	acquainted with but he is shy i think he is
	probably afraid of cockroaches

					archy

In case you wondered what archy thought of being reincarnated as a cockraoch, 
the answer is, not much:

	   the wail of archy

	damned be this transmigration
	doubledamned be the boob pythagoras
	the gink that went and invented it
	i hope that his doul for a thousand
	turns of the wheel of existence
	bides in the shell of a louse
	dodging a fine toothed comb
	
	i once was a vers libre poet
	i died and my spirit migrated
	into the flesh of a cockroach
	gods how i yearn to be human
	neither a vers libre poet
	nor yet the inmate of a cockroach
	a six footed scurrying cockroach
	given to bastard hexameters
	rather had i been a starfish
	to shoot a heroic pentameter

	gods i am pent in a cockroach
	i with the soul of a dante
	am mate and companion of fleas
	i with the gift of a homer
	must smile when a mouse calls me pal
	tumble bugs are my familiars
	this is the punishment meted
	because i have written vers libre

	here i abide in the twilight
	neither a man nor an insect
	and ghosts of the damned that await
	a word from the core of the cosmos
	to pop into bodies grotesque
	are all the companions i have
	with intellect more than a bug s

	ghosts of the damned under sentence
	to crawl into maggots and live there
	or work out a stretch as a rat
	cheerful compantions to pal with

	i with the brain of a milton
	fell into the mincemeat at christmas
	and was damned near baked in a pie
	i with the touch of a chaucer
	to be chivvied out of a sink
	float through a greasy drain pipe
	into the hell of a sewer

	i with the tastes of a byron
	expected to live upon garbage

	gods what a charnel existence
	curses upon that pythagoroas
	i hope he dwells for a million
	turns if the wheel of life
	deep in an oyster crab s belly
	stewed in the soup of gehenna

	i with the soul of a hamlet
	doomed always to wallow in farce

	yesterday maddened with sorrow
	i leapt from the woolworth tower
	in an effort to dash out my brains
	gods what a wretched pathetic
	and anti climactic attempt
	i fluttered i floated i drifted
	i landed as light as a feather
	on the top of a bald man s head
	whose hat had blown off at the corner
	and all of the hooting hundreds
	laughed at the comic cockroach

	not mine was the suicide s solace
	of a dull thud ending it all
	gods what a terrible tragedy
	not to make good with the tragic

	gods what a heart breaking pathos
	to be always doomed to the comic

	o make me a cockroach entirely
	or make me a human once more
	give me the mind of a cockroach
	or give me the shape of a man

	if i were to plan out a drama
	great as great shakespeare s othello
	it would be touched with the cockroach
	and people would say it was comic

	even the demons i talk with
	ghosts of the damned that await
	vile reincarnation as spiders
	affect to consider me comic
	
	wait till their loathsome embodiment
	wears into the stuff of the spirit
	and then let them laugh if they can
	
	damned be the soul of pythagoras
	who first filled the fates with this notion
	of transmigration of spirits
	i hope he turns into a flea
	on the back of a hound of hell
	and is chased for a million years
	with a set of red hot teeth
	exclamation point

					archy

    While I'm here...
    
    I saw a great button at the World Science Fiction Convention in
    New Orleans a few weeks back:
    
    	That was Zen, This is Tao
    
    Anyone who wants it for the tag on their name is welcome to it.
    
    					Topher

    RE 135.46
    
    Jerry Boyajian already had it.

    The following is excerpted from _The Boston Herald_ Wednesday, 12
    July 1989.  (C) The Bostom Nerald.
    
    In an article bylined by Mike McAlary, titled, "On His Turf they
    kill rivals, 5 at a crack," a Jamaican, Bud Maning, was being
    questioned in court on life in drug dealing, and to pick up the
    narrative ---
                                *****
    ... [L]ike many prison souls, Manning turned to religion -- sort
    of.  Yesterday, he was asked about this while testifying against
    Uzi Edwards.  As testimony goes, it was, well, different.
        "I'm sorry," defense lawyer David Gordon said, keeping a safe
    distance from the witness.  "I'm not sure I heard you right.  Did
    you say you spent $15,000 on black magic after being arrested?"
        "Ya," Manning said.
        "Why did you spend the money on black magic?"
        "I buy the black magic to help myself out of jail," Manning
    replied.  "I spent the money a little bit at a time.  People say
    they can help, I pay them."
        "How does it work?"
        "I don't know how it work," Manning said and turned to the jury.
    "That's why it black magic."
                                   *****
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    The following riddle is kinda appropriate for this forum.
    
    I made it up this morning.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.
    
    Q:  What do you call the process of wooing a lady vampire who
        only takes the blood of prophets?
    
    A:  A seer-sucker suit.

    Geez, Steve. Maybe there are some mornings when you shouldn't get up,
    huh?  ;-) What a groaner.
    
    Tamzen

    (Extracted from a list of jokes received.)
    
	FWD: Stephen Wright one-liners

... 
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet
in the shape of a ouigi board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want
and the table would move across the floor to it.

...
    
    dwp

    RE:  .51
    
    Given the comments in the note on OIUJA boards, I'd hate to give
    a toast.
    
    Also, 
    
    If you're on a diet, it goes to "NO".
    
    DR

Name a department store for prophets.

Seers


Where is this department store located?

In the Crystal Mall.


What is this store's business goal?

Prophet ability


What retired military figure runs the store?

Major Arcana


How do subordinates respond to his orders?

Yes, Seer!


What would you call a Tarot deck in this store?

Business cards.


What is a Scottish song about a portent?

Omen in the Gloaming


    re: .53
    
    And why haven't they ever failed an IRS audit?
    
    Because their returns are all non-falsifiable!
    
    Joel