| It's not being written, it went wrong. Perhaps some kindly moderator will
do something about it, 'cos it won't let me delete it either.
Still, here's what it said.
Somebody said this conference may be the right place to put my muddled
moans about my cats. I hope they don't bore you.
You may find this a little confusing to read. In between my mails have been
mails from other people which I may refer to.
Generally if this is the case, the relevant line is copied from their mail
and the line begins ">".
I apologise if some bits seem a little obscure.
I hope you enjoy them, I certainly enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, writing
them.
Let me know.
M.
There are some amongst you who are aware that my cat may not be the brightest
of animals. In fact he's downright stoopid. The sort of cat that trips up over
things left on the floor, regularily aims for the cat flap at about mach 1 and
misses by about 6" , runs in to glass doors (Hi Val !) and generally makes an
idiot of himself. The sort of moggy who goes into fits of ecstacy when he's on
your lap, forgets he's 2' above the ground and then falls off.
Well, nows he's excelled himself. Being an ambitious sort of moggy, Marvin
decided that it was about time he tried to walk from one end of the garden to
the other without any major disaster. He blew it. whilst walking along the fence
an entirely malicious leaf blew past his ear, startled by this unexpected attack
he decided that the only thing for it was to fling himself into a drum of
creosote which was lying around from the "Watkins after the pub on a sunday" DIY
affair. Having covered himself in the muck it became equally apparant to him
that the only way to recover the situation was to bury himself in my bed.
I, of course, was most sympathetic and comiserated with the stupid creature.
He's now added insult to injury and mugged the neighbours rabbit. God knows
why but he seems pretty pleased with himself. Needless to say the neighbour
is now using terms like "What a silly little animal" and "I'm really slightly
annoyed with that nice miscreant of yours" and all that sort of thing.
So not only am I paying the Vet's bill to have the stupid creature cleaned I'm
also paying out for the mugged rabbit to be rebuilt. Naturally therfore, I
decided last night that if the dumb animal thought he was really going to
have some of MY take-away he had got it very slightly wrong. Marvin,
affronted by this incredible behaviour amused himself disposing of an entirely
unwanted (in his eyes) rubber plant.
When I finally get my hands on his toy mouse, at present hidden by the daft
idiot, then I'm going to tear it limb from limb and probably feed it to
the neighbours rabbit, which knowing my luck will promptly choke and cost
me another vets bill.
So, what I want is, a particularily nasty recipe for cat burgers !!
Broke and very slightly irritated of CSS
> -< I know just how Marvin feels ... >-
>
> Besides, I sympathise with that poor cat. If I had to live with
> you I think I'd be a little peculiar. :-).
Peculiar doesn't even begin to explain what the stoopid furry creature gets
up to. I'm very worried about his behaviour and just hope that his brain cell
isn't agrophobic 'cos the amount of open space between his ears must be huge.
I haven't told you the half of it. I've not mentioned the times he loses his
temper and beats hell out of the bean bag, or when he brings a mouse in and
can't remember what he's done with it. You don't understand what the word
surprise means until you've seen Marvin peering under the fridge for the
mouse that he's sure he put there only to be attacked from behind as it
comes streaking out from under the cooker and bounces off Marvin's huge
backside.
you really have no concept of how mind boggling-ly stoopid he really is. It's
frightening. I came down the stairs the other day to find him face down in his
milk having attempted yet another triple loop and double pike thru' the cat flap
missed, bounced off, trashed yet another plant, scared himself as he's hit by
said, now defunct, plant, ran flat out thru' the kitchen, attempted a u-turn
lost control on the bend and sommersaulted thru' the air off the table leg
into his milk.
I end up making endless excuses for him as visitors make comments such as
" a little unusual isn't he " and "have you tried hitting him with a cricket
bat" All said in a sympathetic tone of voice as they edge towards the door.
I think it sums it all up when you find out that the foolish creature has
fallen in love with the$lodger and flings himself at her as sonn as she walks
thru' the door only to fall off again as he rembers about gravity.
I hate that cat.
Mark
> -< Poor unloved cat! >-
HAH !!
Listen, it's not me that gets all his food prepared for him at great expense
and then decides that Liver Flavour isn't the thing of the moment and then
flings himself at all and sundry in search of an alternative, decides he's
out of luck so wanders next door and amuses himself mugging the rabbit.
>Poor Marvin - can you imagine having to share the same house as a WATKINS??!!
You've got that wrong, I share a house with (Marvellous) Marvin (Hagler)
>He really is a lovely cat - when he rushes to meet me its just for consolation
>'cause I understand him. His only fault is that he's a little hairy!
Wrong again, he is not lovely, he is stupid. If he was a house I'd probably
be able to get a grant to improve him. And as for " a little hairy ", that
stoopid animal sheds enough hair every 5 seconds to coat the entire lounge
twice.
There are only two things which amuse him; attacking poor defenceless creatures
i.e. next doors rabbit, me, the postman; and doing his very best to ensure the
entire world, or at least the$lodger and my mother, think that he's the worst
treated cat since Tom.
I hate that cat.
M.
And now I've got Val telling me that he's lovely, mistreated etc etc
and that it's not his fault he ran into a glass door, anybody could do the
same (Hi RKE !).
Stupid Creature.
M.
> What I actually said was that I don't understand why a cat of Marvin's
> refined sensibilities and elegant tastes puts up with you at all.
That cat wouldn't know what a sensibility was if you hit him round
the head with it. And if you did he'd probably try and eat it !!
And you can't describe him as having elegant tastes after seeing what he
does to a piece of spaghetti. It's disgusting and very probably illegal !!
> If I were him I'd have run away long ago!
Run ? that cat couldn't run if his life depended on it. Waddle quite quickly
perhaps.
M.
p.s. As it is he's on holiday at the Vet's for the day 'cos he fell off the
garage roof and hurt his paw.
Stoopid animal
The Vet just rang. �16.50 just to have his stoopid foot looked at !!
Bread and water for a month...mutter mutter.
M.
Well, I've adopted the famous Keefie How to handle your cat technique.
For the uninitiated that entails holding the offending idiot in front of the
mirror and explaining to him that he's *ONLY* a cat.
However I've detected a flaw in this method when dealing with a moggy like
Marvin. Rather than it pointing out to him that he's a cat, it has only
served to point out to him that I'm not. He now treats me with total
contempt of the type that only a member of the feline master race could even
hope to achieve.
We've also decided that liver flavour food is not worth eating and should be
buried in a bed (mine) just in case a famine strikes. If a famine does strike
at least I can think of one use for the horrible creature.
Unfortunately, whilst he now regards me with total contempt he has decided
that I may be in need of a little sympathy. No longer is there any doubt
where he left the dead mice !! It's now a dead cert that I'm sleeping with
it.
More dirty deeds of the cat will follow when I've stopped weeping about the
�16.50 vets bill.
M.
Keefie, wanna cheap guitar string ??
I've just remembered something else.
For all those that are now bored with Marvin please hit next unseen.
Last Wednesday I got in from work and the idiot was nowhere to be seen. Now,
if you know the silly animal like I do, you would be aware that this is a
danger sign. Normally he launches himself at you from half way up the stairs
looking like he's been abandoned for the last month just in case there is an
RSPCA inspector around, when he realises there isn't he changes position in
mid air slashes you around the ear in case you thought he was being affectionate
and heads off towards the food bowl via at least three rubber plants and the
by now paranoic rabbit next door.
Well on this occasion he wasn't about. This means he has done something which
he has got this vague feeling you're not going to like. Savaged my best jeans,
eaten tonights tea, (mine not his) or mugged the nearest rubber plant.
I think that I should also consider the feeling of impending doom which normally
swamps your average Rubber Plant when it realises that I've just bought it.
Back to the story...
So I did all the normal things; counted the plants, checked next doors rabbit
for signs of life, investigated my bed for presents and there was still no sign.
By now I was worried, not for the stoopid cat - he can look after himself,
but because todays bit of devilement was obviously more subtle and inventive
than normal.
After about 20 minutes I was in a state of abject panic over what I was going
to find. Then there was a knock at the door. It was the new neighbours from
next door, not the one with the tatty rabbit - not that it's always been
tatty. This obviously retarded gentlemen was stood there with the stoopid cat
under one arm not understanding the peril his armpit was in. And I quote..
"I've found this cat which wandered in to our house this afternoon and judging
by the amount he's eaten I think he must be a stray."
He then looked a little disconcerted as Marvin saw me, leapt out of the nice
man's hands savaged my foot and ran off upstairs. I took the nice man to one
side and explained to him about our local terrorist moggy. I don't really
think he believed me and he's certainly been looking at me a little
Strangely lately. Anyway he wandered off to explain that I was some sort
of lunatic who enjoyed mistreating that nice cat. Ten minutes later he
was back..again I quote...
Neighbour: Your Cat...
Me: Oh god, What...
Neighbour: ummm...
Me: Do you by any chance own a rabbit ?
Neighbour: no ?(looking at me sideways)
It turned out that not only had the furry food processor accepted all offers of
food he's also eaten a nice piece of fish not originally destined for him.
I think I'm going to throttle that cat...slowly !!
M.
For all those who are even vaguely interested, the dumb animal is no longer
brown, no longer smells of creosote and is now walking on all four paws.
I, however, am broke and the Vet has just booked a holiday in Miami due
to a sudden upsurge in his income.
Marvin has expressed his gratification for all the trouble I've been to by
leaving half a pigeon in the lounge, eating tonight's dinner (mine) and
proving to the Neighbours rabbit that he's still as vicious as ever.
I'm not sure who hates that cat the most, me or the rabbit.
M.
The last thing that particular pile of terror needs is encouragement.
I thought you liked rabbits ? What about the daily commando raids on the poor
peaceful (now tatty) thing next door ?
You obviously have no concept as to what living with the little horror can be
like.
Terrorised of CSS
Stoopid cat's done it again.
Picture the scene, I got up this morning after a remarkably heavy night drinking.
I've tolerated all night long the cat sleeping on my pillow. This is not to be
interpreted as a sign of affection, he is merely awaiting an opportunity to
roll on to my face so that he can either suffocate me or at the very least
leave a pile of fluff and hair in my mouth.
I staggered into the bathroom turned on the bath taps went downstairs, fell
over the cat who decided it was food time went back upstairs put the plug in
the bath, having wasted about 5 gallons of hot water. I then leaned on the sink
'cos it looked reasonably stable and waited for the bath to fill up. Marvin was
by this time completely disgusted with me for not feeding him instantly and was
showing his annoyance by doing a hatchet job on the nice hanging plant on the
landing. I eventually worked up the energy to fall in the bath, I didn't quite
time it right and it took me a while to realise breathing would be slightly
easier if I wasn't lying face downwards. So there I lay. Marvin was getting
himself into a tizzy because not only had I not fed him, I was also ignoring
the long pieces of plant he was bringing into the bathroom and abandoning in the
bath.
So he came and sat on the ledge of the bath watching me and trying to calculate
the maximum effect he could cause with one slash of the claws before running for
it. He may be a trouble maker but he is *NOT* brave. He then obviously worked
out that maximum effect could be obtained from the opposite side of the bath, so
he decided to move over using my knees as stepping stones. I finally did it, I
got one up on the cat !!! I moved my knee and he fell in !!!!!!
WHEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!
Marvin 10 Mark 1
Mind you it wasn't a complete victory as he did a fair amount of slashing on
his way out of the bath. Stunned by this outrageous behaviour he went next
door to drip on the Rabbit and the Rabbit was in his cage so now it's -
Marvin 10 Mark 1 Tatty Rabbit 1.
Unfortunately he did find a way of extracting his revenge so the score is now -
Marvin 11 Mark 1 Tatty Rabbit 1 Rubber Plants Inc. -324
Still, I had my moment of glory and the cuts are healing quite well.
Injured but Happy of CSS
The first of the two new arrivals eventually turned up this weekend. A little
black and white kitten, now called "Oddjob".
In looks, he's pretty much a sort of Marvin clone. He has some co-ordination
problems tho', and his sense of balance isn't all it might be.
He spent his first night asleep on the window ledge in my bedroom. There I
was halfway thru' one of my bad dreams when suddenly a ball of fluff in
a grade 1 panic fell on my face. If you'd been having the same dream as me
you'd understand why I was half way down the Garden path before I realised
what had happened. Oddjob can take these sudden surprises better than Marvin
can however and he was already asleep back on the ledge by the time I returned
to my room. Twice more I was awakened by either a dull thud as he hit the floor
again or by his footsteps as he wandered back across my face enroute to the
ledge.
He's also having trouble with his cornering, all the road adhesion of a Skoda
with four flat tyres !! His pretty good on the straights but there's a tricky
bit involving the fridge that he hasn't quite got the hang of yet. Still, he's
surviving better than the fridge. I must own the only fridge that's on the edge
of a nervous breakdown, not that the television is all that happy either.
Oddjob has found out that the distance from the mantlepiece to the Television
is such that without a run up he normally ends up in the side of the TV some
6" lower than the ideal and can only remain there for as long as it takes
the laws of gravity to notice him.
Today I was a feeling a little guilty about leaving him on his own. I do
occasionally suffer from the finer feelings in life, so out of pure guilt
I went home at lunchtime whilst my mind worked overtime. You know the
sort of thing - has he fallen off the bath again and is lying on the floor
stunned, or does he think I've deserted him ? I got home to find Oddjob
staggering up the stairs to oen of the other bedrooms, taking a tissue out
of the box, taking it back downstairs to the lounge, usually missing the odd
stair and finding out that the laws of gravity are ever vigilant, and shredding
it. And then going back for another !!! It looks like it has snowed in my lounge
I just can't wait until new$catII arrives and joins in, it's all just so much
fun
:-(.
M.
> -< In sympathy with the kitten! >-
Don't encourage him !! The last thing he needs is sympathy !!
>Oddjob is *cute*. In fact, he's a spitting image of Guinness, just 8� weeks
>old, black with white whiskers and a white tummy and a little white moustach
>that makes him look as if he's just dipped his nose in his milk! Aaah - I
>hear you all saying
I didn't say aah !!
> - he turned two insensitive blokes into snivelling
>wrecks yesterday, when he cried because he didn't want to be in my car.
Possibly a little inaccurate ?? Who was it sat a sat of Traffic lights sniffling
because the stoopid animal had lost his temper after an abortive escape attempt
involving the window which was open 1/4" ????
>He does seem a little strange, however, because he has taken a distinct
>liking to Mark - he cuddles up to him all the time and crys if he's not
>with him - I just can't understand it - perhaps he'll get over it. :-)
I actually thought this was his only redeeming feature. And when you mention
the fact that he cries when he's not with me, I assume this is to do with
his reaction when you tried to pick him off my lap ?
M.
Well you asked !!!
Oddjob (OJ for short) has settled in very well. We've had the usual arguments
about who's boss in my house and now we know, He is !!.
One of the main questions I have is what is the problem with *my* cats and
liver flavoured cat-food ? OK, I know I wouldn't eat it, but neither would
I store it behind the video for use at a later date. We've discovered that
it's really great fun to climb up the curtains snagging them all the way up,
whining until I eventually can't stand the noise anymore, and then slashing
me for having the nerve to actually rescue him !!
We have however decided that it is no fun at all sleeping at night when you
could be attacking my toes. I still haven't recovered from the deep shock
of the area of attack from last night. Needless to say, tonight I'll be wearing
my jimjams. 8-( 8-(
OJ has also discovered the neighbours dog.....He's happier about this then the
dog or the neighbour !!! He has also found that you can make pretty patterns on
the ceiling by creeping up the back of the chair and stuffing his cold, wet,
and normally milk covered nose in my ear just as we get to an exciting part of
the late night thriller !!!!
He is, I'm told, sweet and cuddly. HAH !!! He's mean, bad tempered and greedy,
and that's just his better points. My mother came round to visit last night.
The cat is also a shameless creep. 30 minutes of "Isn't he sweet" and "Don't
you ever feel guilty about the way you treat him ?" and I'd had enough. I
tried to explain that he only sits on your lap and purrs to lull you into
a false sense of security before opening your jugular, but I was accused of
exaggerating !! Me ? Exaggerate !! ??
Much more of this and I'm moving.
I hate that cat
Mark.
p.s Stop-Press --- Marvin's beaten up the neighbours rabbit again. I think
it did something controversial like breathing !!
> OJ sounds positively wonderful....I really wanna see him and hear
> more about him.
He isn't, you don't really, do you ??
> I'm really glad that Marvin hasn't changed - he's a real man, but
HAH !!
> how's the rabbit?
Very nervous, slightly tatty and thinking of moving !!
> Sue_Picking_Herself_Up_Off_The_Floor
Ahh, you found some of the liver flavoured cat-food in your video as well !!
Humph !
M.
-< A Missive from the Moggy >-
I'll have to be quick in case my owner sees me using his terminal. It's not
easy typing with paws you know. I'm writing this because I'm a bit worried
about my stupid owner. He's nice enough, but he's very easily upset. The other
night he was watching this stoopid program on that box thingy and when I
wandered up to say hello, he flew out of his chair and started talikg about
my parents. I know I got my nose a bit close and it might have had some milk
on it, but what a strange reaction. He also keeps giving me liver flavoured
food. I don't like Liver, I spoke to my mate the rabbit basher and he doesn't
like it either, so why does the funny peson thing keep giving it to me ?
I've also found the dog next door. Big Marv has told me all about neighbours
and their animals and how your supposed to treat them, but if he thinks I'm
attacking that bloody great doormat he's wrong. I've compromised by sitting on
the fence watching him. I think he likes this because he gets very excited
and trys to climb the fence to say hello to me. I think it must be the done
thing around here because Mark was explaining to me that the neighbour was
climbing the wall about me as well. It's nice to be popular.
Mark's a bit strange but I understand him a bit more now that I've found
out he's not a cat, he's a people. We all have our crosses to bear I suppose.
Last night he was holding me in front of a mirror explaining to me that I was
only a cat. *ONLY* ?? Stupid boy, then he stropped out the door muttering
something about it always working for Keefie, another people I expect.
He also doesn't understand that I like to plan for the future, and the
reason I leave catfood in his bed is to make sure I always have something
to eat if the brainless people thingy forgets me.
Still, I'm gradually training him.
OJ (But you can call me sir)
It's that time again !!
This may come as a shock to you all, but that stoopid creature is giving me
yet more hassle.
It got off to a fairly typical start yesterday, the idiot cat has got into the
habit of climbing my trousers in order to reach my shoulder and hopefully con
a cuddle and stroke out of me before he gets down to the more serious business
of gratuitous violence. Unfortunately I was only wearing a dressing gown. It
seemed to startle the cat slightly when I lay on the floor and started weeping
to myself just because he'd climbed my bare leg.
Then I thought I'd have a go at some housework.
Somebody had told me about housework and while it didn't sound too
much fun, I thought I'd give it a go anyway. I spent sometime moving all the
empty chip wrappers and old newspapers into the kitchen prior to doing something
a little more permanent with them. I needn't have worried, OJ did some very
permanent things with them and I was able to hoover them up !! Trying to hoover
the carpet was great fun, because as chief protector and idiot of No. 86 OJ
decided it was his job to attack the invader. So he flung himself with great
gusto at the hoover and then panicked as his tail shot up the hoover pipe :-)
Complete accident M'lud :-) :-) :-) He didn't fare too well with the washing
up water either :-)
I also decided I'd have a try at being nice to those neighbour thingies and
invited them in for a coffee. This will probably go down in history as one of
my more major blunders. They looked happy enough with the coffee, which was
amazing since OJ had been at the milk twice already, but then the dumb animal
decided to be friendly. OJ being friendly can best be described by comparing
it to being locked in a room with 15 Hells Angels. It's not that anything
is definitely going to happen but you know that if it does, it's going to
hurt. He commenced the process by being very brave and brutally savaging an
entirely defenceless ball of wool, and then continued with an impressive
aerobatic display terminating in the side of the television. Nerves of steel
my neighbours, one of them looked slightly disconcerted, but the other didn't
so much as bat an eye. Impressed by this OJ decided that he'd like to give
them a present, so he retrieved a somewhat hairy piece of sausage from behind
the video and wandered off to hand over the gift. Somehow the neighbour didn't
seem to feel that mouldy sausage in the ear was a sign of affection and started
dancing around digging some very unpleasant looking things out of his ear. He
then compounded his error by sitting on the lousy cat who took this as a sign
of declaration of war and launched himself at the nice man's feet with a
vengance. This of course meant that the neighbour started leaping up and
down whilst his wife sat there watching the display. Eventually all quietened
down and Oddjob wandered off to annoy the dog nextdoor. This wasn't a problem
as they didn't like the dog either. Mind you I don't think the dog was very
happy about it. I managed to restore some sort of normality and life calmed down
Then the woman started playing with her beads. I think it may have been a sign
of nervousness as she kept glancing about. The manky moggy can hear rattling
beads at a range of almost 2 miles never mind 2 yards. So OJ snuck back in.
It was terrible, one minute the nice lady was sat on an arm chair drinking
coffee and fiddling with her necklace, next second she was running off down the
garden path wearing the cat screaming. Ever seen a cat with a smile on his
face ?? No ? you should have seen OJ as he strutted back into the lounge with
a couple of beads and some blonde hairs in his mouth !!! The husband mumbled
something about an urgent appointment and ran off down the road.
I don't think I'm going to enjoy living with this cat
:-(
M.
-< Why me ? (said whilst peering at the sky !!) >-
> C'mon Mark, what did he do?
>
> Please tell me.......
You asked !!
Guess what !!
The continuing adventures of Oddjob.
This week has been somewhat eventful. I'm beginning to think there is something
wrong with me, 'cos the daft animal is starting to adopt a lot of Marvin's old
habits. Who, while I think of it, is back in the vets having tangled with the
local stray tomcat. No serious injuries, just yet more money. No wonder the
bloody vet is always so polite, that cat is a goldmine for him. Still,
back to OJ.
He's found a really great place to sharpen his claws....ON MY MATTRESS !!!
Having gained these razor sharp weapons, he obviously feels he should put
them to good use. My mother visited again this week....
Muvver : Hello Mark
Mark : Hello Muvver
Muvver : I've brought you a present.
Mark : That's nice, what is it ?
Mark : Oh god, Not one of those !!!
Muvver : I thought you liked Rubber Plants
Mark : Not as much as the Monster from the Black Lagoon does.
There was then a pause in the conversation as OJ came hurtling down the stairs,
jumped from halfway down, cleared the Banister and whipped the top two inches
off the plant as he whistled past my Mother's ear. I then commented on his
parents while my Mother told me how sweet he was !
The Rubber plant is not doing well. Apparently it's great to climb, fall off,
climb and chew.But for some unknown reason, it's not taking to this treatment
at all well. If anyone has any rubber plants that look like they could cope with
this tender loving annihilation then I'd like a cutting.
And then we have the dog next door. Somewhat of a surrogate rabbit, I think.
OJ treats the dog pretty well the same way as he treats the Plants but with even
more malicious intent. It's a young and quite obviously foolish dog and it may
not make old age, particularly if the Urban Terrorist has anything to do with
it. He sits on the fence, approximately 1" higher than the dog can reach and
howls. The dog promptly goes absolutely doolally and starts throwing himself
up the fence. This goes on until the dog starts to tire. When he starts slowing
down OJ begins to get bored, so on the next upward swing he lays waste to the
dogs nose with one swipe of his DIY razor blades which tends to irritate the
dog slightly and it all starts again with renewed vigour. It's a contest of
stamina, What will cave in first, Mutley, the Moggy or my nerves !! The
Milkman is beginning to look a little jaded as well. I have the feeling
that he's quite used to seeing birds piercing milk bottle tops and drinking
the milk, but I think OJ's frontal assault on the entire milk float confuses
him a bit.
OJ has also become fascinated with my ear. He's found out that it's a bit
dodgy poking things in it because I tend to throw things at him, like the
television and hand grenades, But he's slightly smarter than Marvin. His
approach now is to wait for me to go to sleep and then climb gently on to my
pillow, he then gently and quietly moves into the ideal position for maximum
pain and fastest possible escape. When he is ready, one paw goes in the ear,
claws open, whilst the other three paws start running like hell. I had the last
laugh the other night tho', the attack was carried out quite successfully and
I was embedded in the ceiling as he went through the door at Warp 9. He
managed a most impressive 4 paw drift round the first bend and then accelerated
up to Warp 15 down the stairs as I cam out of my bedroom determined, this time
at least. to exact some sort of retribution. OJ has learnt about the tricky
right hander into the kitchen and only clipped the fridge as he turned, he then
intended to leap on to the table and await my arrival as he can then jump
any direction he wants and be reasonably sure of avoiding me. At this point
I ought to tell you that I'd made myself a bowl of soup earlier and then left
it on the table without eating it. As I arrived at the Kitchen door I was
greeted with the sight of OJ leaping on to the table, seeing the soup in
mid-flight, attempting a rapid adjustment of velocity and direction, failing
dismally landing in the soup and then doing his best Surfing impression as
he, the bowl and quite a lot of tomato sauce shot along the table and then
hit the wall about 3ft from the ground. :-) :-)
It is beyond me how what appears to be a highly trained terrorist can
possibly be so incompetent !!.
Oh well, I've got to go and pick up the other cat now. God knows what the
weekend is going to be like !!!
I'll let you know Monday.
Depressed and Bullied of CSS
I don't know if I can cope with these two !!
They've teamed up against us.
It's 2 Cats Versus Me, The Dog next-door and the rubber plant.
M. :-(
> What did you call Cat No 2, then?
Thomson, Your local terrorist !
M.
So on Saturday New$cat /number=2 arrived.
Whereas OJ is very tall with a long body and tail and quite thin, Thomson
is short, heavy and stupid.
I was a bit worried because OJ can be a little stroppy and I wasn't sure how
well they'd take to each other. I put Thomson on the floor near OJ. OJ was
asleep, exhausted after a particularly vicious attack on the Television.
Thomson wandered across to him and started licking OJ's head. OJ fully
approved of this luxury and started to purr, totally failing to realise that
this was another cat. Thomson, obviously bored with this pleasantness, decided
to begin the friendship the way he wanted it to continue. I don't know what
OJ had been dreaming about, but he looked a little startled as a set of teeth
sunk into his throat. The sight of OJ running flat out and going nowhere with
Thomson swinging from his throat did my heart good.
OJ is, as I said, thin and tall, he is also unbelievably fast. Thomson however
is by far and away the strongest of the two but doesn't have any of OJ's speed.
OJ has worked out therefore that SAS type raids are the thing. None of this
stalking business, just flat out into the lounge, bite Thomson's bum, and then
run like hell. Unfortunately for OJ, Thomson is catching on, and on occasion
spots OJ's approach and knocks him off his feet with one left hook.
It is really a hilarious sight, even more so because of the accidents which
occur because they don't have a braincell between them. Yesterday evening
Thomson was chasing OJ round and round one of the armchairs. OJ was enjoying
this and was running at, what was for him, a leisurely pace whilst looking over
his shoulder at Thomson with his little legs going like mad. Now, whilst
Thomson isn't very bright, he does have occasional flashes of inspiration.
So, as OJ disappeared around one corner he changed direction and started
running the other way as fast as he could. Imagine the effect of
two exocets hitting head on whilst one is looking over his shoulder. :-)
They just lay there looking at each other, with OJ trying to work out
what the hell had happened, whilst Thomson was trying to spot what went
wrong with his master plan. The collision was so bad that they behaved
themselves for almost a whole minute.
All is not good however. I think the dog next door has suffered a nervous
breakdown. He was peering through the fence watching OJ strut up and down
the garden path as Thomson dropped off the top of the fence onto his back
with claws drawn. The poor mutt was so surprised that it just sat down. I
don't think it's coping with life too well at the moment. The milkman
is refusing to deliver and the rubber plant committed suicide in a fit
of depression. I'm thinking of hiring them out as a Hit Team.
I now have quite a collection of photographs of the pair of them wrecking the
house, which I'll have to bring to P*O*E*T*S sometime.
Battered of CSS.
Last night I had one or two drinks and got a little relaxed. Relaxed as a newt
in fact. I woke up this morning at a colleagues house feeling just a little
bit delicate. So I lurched out to the car and went home to wash and change
and die before coming to work.
I arrived staggered into the lounge, collapsed into a chair and began to try
and re-establish diplomatic communications with my brain.
Then the cats arrived !
They'd heard me come in, and as they'd had no-one to annoy all night they had
loads of energy to spare for their race to see who could make me cry first.
OJ, always direct, leapt from about 6 feet away straight at me. A cat flying
horizontally towards you, claws first is a daunting sight at anytime, but this
morning I couldn't cope. I ripped the creature from my ear, sat him on the
table and commenced to give him a stiff talking to, accompanied by my
special "Paddington hard stare". An ominous look !!. So there I was, bellowing
at the cat, disturbing the neighbours. OJ treated this severe telling off
with a well planned level of gravity, he started cleaning his ears. I had
unfortunately committed the unforgivable error of taking my eyes off Thomson.
Thomson was a little irritated at this and sank his teeth into one of my ankles
to attract my attention. I bent down to poke him in the eye and OJ faced with
an open target sank his claws into my back. At this point I decided it was all
too much for me. I abandoned any hope of exerting authority over the Kray twins
and went to bed. Despite anything else you can accuse my cats of, they have a
level of dedication and persistence quite unknown in any other creatures.
They allowed me a few minutes to settle in and for the room to stop spinning
and then launched attack number 2. OJ bit my toes and Thomson stuck a whole
paw full of claws in my ear. Close to tears I buried myself in the quilt,
with *all* appendages covered except for one little hole to see thru'.
The animals disgusted at this cowardly way of dealing with them, set about
trashing the bedroom. Thomson is turning out to be the trouble maker whilst
OJ serves as the hit man (hitcat ?). Thomson started pulling my ties off
the rack, whilst OJ killed them. This I could take. Thomson then wandered
along the bookcase pushing off cassettes. This doubly amused him because
not only was it annoying me, they were also landing on OJ. This I could also
take and anyway the effect it was having on OJ's nerves was doing me good. They
suffered quite badly. I'm sure you've all seen the peculiar straight legged
jump and double twist that only kittens can achieve ? Well the sight of OJ doing
about 5 of these and still being bombarded with cassettes did my heart good.
What helped even more was the sight of Thomson being so pleased with himself
that he walked off the end of the book case. As soon as he hit the floor, OJ
sank his teeth into Thomson's bum and then ran for it. Why he had to go and
hide from Thomson under the quilt by my feet, I don't know. Thomson
leapt on to the bed dived under the quilt and obviously mistook my toes
for OJ's throat. I think the cats find the sight of me hanging from the
ceiling by my finger nails quite amusing. :-( This I could not take.
I was so distraught about the whole incident that I came to work.
Battered of CSS
If you enjoyed them, I'll put some more in.
Mark - CSS Solent, England
|
|
>I met Thomson yesterday - he's so cute - he's not a normal ginger kitten he's
He's not cute he's stupid !!
>he walked round behind me and launched himself at my back, claws beared! This
Told you, but you wouldn't listen.
>OJ is unbelievable - he's grown so much, he's got such long legs and can run
>so fast.
The same can not, however, be said for his brain.
>P.S. Mark is dead sloppy over them - keeps calling them his "boys"! It's such
> a funny sight !!!
Sour grapes perhaps ? Two cats showing great taste in getting off your lap and
coming to me when I came in the room ?
The trouble making moggies are getting bigger, this doesn't mean they're
getting cleverer, they are just causing bigger trouble.
I'd been out on Friday night and hadn't made it home, so by the time I turned
up on saturday they were annoyed. I wandered into the lounge, switched on the
television and settled down. There was hoever something wrong with the TV and it
wouldn't tune to any stations. I spent about 5 minutes beating hell out of the
remote before I noticed OJ playing with a lump of plastic which on investigation
turned out to be part on one of the aerial leads. The sight of him strutting
about with his nose in the air gripping a piece of *my* TV aerial depressed me
so much I wandered out to the kitchen to get a coffee. En-route to the kitchen
I saw Thomson sitting in the hall with a wet and white nose. I realised that
I no longer had any milk so I poked Thomson in the eye and grabbed a can instead
I bought a new stereo on saturday which is remote control and has got loads
of lights and buttons. It appears that the buttons are for my entertainment,
whilst the lights are for Thomson. He sat on the table and launched a full
scale attack against the stereo. Full volume on the CD seemed to discourage
him. :-) :-) ( By the way Keefie, 7, count 'em, 7 CD's at a time :-) and it's
remote control :-) :-) )
OJ can now get all the way to the top of the curtain rail before he flings
himself off in desperation and concusses Thomson. Thomson has found that
litter trays are much more fun if the gravel is thrown all over the place and
preferably in OJ's food. And OJ has found that the best way to protect his
food is to hide it behind the TV.
They have also started playing with a vengence. The normal method is that one
will wait for a moment when the other isn't paying attention and leap into the
air with the attention of landing on the other cat and flattening him.
However, as I may have previously mentioned they're not actually very clever,
sometimes they both have the same idea at the same time and suddenly you
realise what it is that Air Traffic Controllers have been warning us about for
years. This normally results in two half stunned kittens who stagger about until
they've recovered their sense of balance. Pain obviously irritates OJ, because
immediatley after he wanders off and is unpleasant to the nearest rubber plant.
Thomson, on the other hand, is really into mindless and gratuitous violence
only if it is going to cause me or the dog next door hassle. The dog is
currently following a policy of avoidance. He rarely comes out to the garden
and when he does he tip-toes. Mind you he blew it on sunday evening. The
dumb cats were playing in the garden and hadn't noticed the dog was asleep
on the path next-door. All would have been well, but the dog yawned. 3
seconds after he'd yawned he was firmly attached to the cats. The dog has
got into such a state about this that these days he doesn't bother to fight
he just sits down and whines until somebody rescues him. Not that there's much
chance of that, because several of the neighbours have already found out that
neither Thomson nor OJ like to be picked up midway thru' a mugging and tend to
react by removing large lumps of flesh from the nearest carbon-based life form.
I gave the cats some real fish at the weekend. Well, as real as it can be
when purchased from our local chippie. This was a great event. Thomson
decided that the way to approach it was to first ensure that it was dead. This
entailed breaking it into the smallest possible pieces and leaving the remnants
behind the VCR. Which, by the way, is definitely suffering from nervous troubles
OJ decided to be much more direct and stuffed a large, half chewed lump in my
ear. I immediately dropped a hot cup of coffee in my lap and started dancing
about saying things like; "You really are a silly little pussycat " whilst
trying to hit him with an armchair. OJ thought this was so much fun he
repeated the trick. Depression takes on a whole new meaning after you've seen
a Golden Retreiver walking around with half a fish tail poking out of one ear.
The nice man from the electricity board came round the other day to read the
meter. By the time I came down stairs he was sat in the cupboard virtually in
tears. Apparantly, he'd dropped his pen in the cupboard, which is dark and
quite large. He'd reached over a box to feel for his pen and grabbed something
wet and soggy, he'd panicked thinking it was something really revolting,
and OJ, slightly irritated at the man pinching his half chewed fish had
slashed him round the wrist opening up at least two arteries. The nice man
had stepped back in alarm and trodden on Thomson who promptly bit his ankle.
I have enough trouble explaining the cats to the neighbours, never mind
trying to explain why the electricity man is sitting in my broom cupboard
weeping quietly to himself whilst dripping blood on his clipboard.
Then there was Sunday. I'm not too good with sunday's and like to spend
most of it in an armchair. It was not to be. I had got up really early and
was sitting in the lounge listening to music whilst still half asleep.
OJ was also asleep using the phone as a pillow, whilst Thomson was rewiring
the video. The phone rang, OJ left the floor at about mach 1 and trashed
yet another rubber plant; Thomson continued with his systematic destruction
of the video wiring. The voice at the other end muttered something about
visiting to see the cats, this seemed a pretty strange thing to do, but at that
time of the morning, I'll agree to anything. I then noticed Thomson playing with
the video so I grabbed the remote control and switched it on. Thomson fell off
and lay on the floor stunned. This cheered me up so much I revised my earlier
plans and decided that I would feed them this week after all.
The visitor, Caroline, turned up at about lunch time and met the cats. Normal
things happened, they did all those cute and pointless things that kittens
normally do and Caroline decided everything I'd said was untrue and disregarded
my warning about keeping an eye on them at all times. I've given up trying to
explain, these days I just let people find out for themselves and clean up the
blood afterwards. So with the revolting animals being cute, Caroline started
to speak to them in that revolting goo-goo gaa-gaa talk so many people use.
She settled into an armchair and the cats started getting bored. I did warn
her what was going to happen tho' she still didn't believe me. Then it started,
World War III. Normally they fight each other, but if there's a visitor around
they do tend to focus their violence that way. Thomson attached himself to
Caroline's throat whilst OJ prior to launching a real attack sharpened his
claws on her legs. This seemed to have a strange effect on Caroline, who started
moaning and jumping around a lot. Thomson launched himself at OJ, missed totally
and crashed into a window. When he stood up he saw his own reflection in the
window, which scared him, in his efforts to get away he trampled OJ who
instantly retaliated by mauling Caroline's foot.
For some reason she still thinks they're cute !!!
After life settled down the cats returned to me. They know better than to attack
me on Sunday's so they went to sleep.
Don't you just love weekends ?
M.
|