Conference back40::soapbox

    Snoop Doggy Dog.

    
    Phil Hays for starting this topic...
    

>> List all the people you think are dog crap in this topic.
    
    Gee, I don't think *anyone* in this topic is dog crap.
    
    But so far, it's just you and me, so that may change as time
    goes on.
    
    Oh, you mean... okay, I get it.
    
    Personally, I would not equate Bill Clinton with dog crap.
    I have a dog that after 11 years, does not know how to take a
    crap yet.  The other night my wife went out with friends for
    dinner, and out of spite (the dog hates me) crapped all over
    his rear end.  I had to try to clean it, but the more I cleaned,
    the more it spread all over his fuzzy butt until his previously
    white fur took on a permanent stain.  And I'm getting it all over
    me and everything else.  The kids were retching from the stench.
    Finally I grabbed the doggie shears and shaved his messy rear
    end right down to the pink.  Then I had to clean up all the fur
    coated and smeared with wet dog crap.  Then I hosed everything
    down with Lysol, including myself, and sprayed Glade all over the
    house to keep the kids from gagging any further.
    
    So, I would not *equate* Bill Clinton with dog crap.  I'd rather deal
    with the dog crap.
    
    Chris

    Whoops, .1 and .2 didn't exist when I started writing my reply.
    
    Oh well, you get the idea... :-)
    
    Chris

    re. 3
    
    I nominate you.  How could you be so mean to the dog?  Why didn't you
    just take him outside and hose his ass off?  Jez!!
    
    My dog had the shits once and how crap all over his butt.  I just
    washed it with the hose, dried it with an old rag, and let him in the
    house to lie on the floor next to the sofa so I could enjoy his good
    company.  And he likes me too!
    

    rhymes with idjits.

    re: .5
    
    Oh, I wasn't being mean to the dog.  He has the kind of scraggly
    and stringy fur that makes this happen a lot, and he actually likes
    being shaved off so that he's nice and clean again, so he can sit
    down without being em-bareassed.  The hose doesn't work on his fur,
    it's been tried time and time again.  It just works it in deeper,
    which tends to be counter-productive.
    
    So he liked it, but he still hates me.
    
    Chris

Hmmm, I wonder if there's a market for doggy wipes.

    
    >The other night my wife went out with friends for
    >dinner, and out of spite (the dog hates me) crapped all over
    >his rear end.
    
    I know how you _meant_ this, Chris, but it reads as if your wife was the
    one who defecated on the dog.
                          

    
    Ever the prim and proper language person... no matter the subject...
    
    ;)
    

    
      I'm catted, undogged, so dunno.
    
      What wurries me more is, what's got into Hays ?  Has he snapped ?
    
      bb

    
    
    Naahhh... Phil's chain-yanking is just a bit weird is all...
    

>  Has he snapped ?

uh-oh.

    Fear not Phil.  Abe Lincoln was referred to as a baboon and Andy
    Jackson was openly accused of adultery.  Adultery was five times more
    hideous than it was in the 50's.  It is now in vogue today!
    
    -Jack 

	Lassie is dog crap. She needed June Lockart to interprete for her.

    So, who crapped all over the ass of Abe Lincoln's dog?

	John Wilkes Booth

    Useless! Useless!

    
                                eh?
                 *        (__) /
                  \       (oo)
                   \-------\/ 
                  * |     ||  
                 *  ||W---||  
                **  ~~    ~~

    
    <-- That's a COW, not a dog!
                               
    

			^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
	               {               }
	               {   o       o   }
	               {               }
	               {       o       }
	               {               }
	               {   o       o   }
	               {               }
		       *vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
    		      *
    		     **	
    		    

              oops
	      /
	  oO)-.
	 /__  _\       
	 \  \(  |      
	  \__|\ {                                             
	  '  '--'*   
                  *
                  **
    

    
    
    Fill, 
    
    
    No doubt I do.  I've tried to give the man the benefit of the doubt,
    and I have given him credit when I thought he desrved it, but Slick is
    alway, and I do mean always speaking in lies.  Yup, I think he's dog
    crap, but you didn't have to start this topic on my account.  I know
    you thought you were being clever, but it really isn't.
    
    
    hth,
    
    Mike

    Dole, Gingrich, most of the Senate, a large portion of the House, 
    anyone under 45, everyone who supports NAMBLA, and a few people in this 
    notes file, who shall not be mentioned by name as it would propel this
    note down a rathole almost as large as Newt's mouth.
    

    re: .26
    
    Umm.  You forgot Clinton and the rest of the spendocrats:-)
    
    Bob

       Where's Killoran?  This note reminded me of him -- I think I've
       found the perfect job for the lad, combining his unequalled
       Kirbying skills with his affection for the motorcycle world.
       
       In Paris, the one in France, they have these motorcycles-with-
       vacuum-cleaners that cruise all around the city's sidewalks --
       Killoran would be ideal as a driver/vacuumer!  Whenever a pile of
       dogshit is located--which is very, very often--the drive applies
       the business end (which is actually a combination washer & vaccum)
       to the turds, and voil�!, the sidealk is once again clean.
       
       Nnttm,
       
       --Mr Topaz

    
    
    Tsk.. tsk... your reply is wasted as Kirby ain't reading...
    
    Oh well...
    

    
    .28
    
    >Whenever a pile of dog[crap] is located--which is very, very often...
    
    I'll vouch for this.  Two things to keep in mind when travelling to
    Paris: take LOTS of money, and watch out for the dog crap.
    

    And make sure you go to Paris to see the Parisites.

re. .28


So, these motorcycles already come equipped with a dirtbag. That saves a bit of 
time eh?

In Budapest, they have storm-sewer-like openings in the gutter.  On the
sidewalk next to them, the have a silhouette of a dog and the letters "WC".

Our neighbors' new dog, "Clyde", likes our lawn for the subject of this
string. I like their lawn as a place to deposit his calling cards.

    re: .9  Wife crapped on dog
    
    Oh-oh!  Uh, well, ya see, it's this "new semantics" that the kids
    are bringing home, messing up all my writing lately.  Yeah, that's
    the ticket!  See, whoever's mentioned in the previous parenthetical
    expression instantly becomes the new subject of the sentence, and
    inherits all of the attributes of the base sentence.  It's the LISPlike
    Object-Oriented Sentence Expression, otherwise known by its acronym,
    LOOSE.
    
    Chris

    Vail, Colorado has plastic bag dispensers hanging on poles along trails
    and sidwalks. Dog walkers can pick up their dog's crap and deposit it
    in the nearest receptacle. It seems to work.

    
       That was very mean of your wife to crap on the dog, then leave
    with friends so you could clean the mess!

    
    I want to talk about dog crap. I don't own a dog. One of the
    primary reasons for this is that dogs produce dog crap. Perhaps
    the greatest of all pet peeves, surpassing even people who
    drive for miles with their blinkers on, are people who let
    their dogs out to crap on other people's lawns. Equally
    obnoxious, although not as lazy, are people who walk their
    dogs to crap on other people's lawns.

    I have been working on a solution to this problem. It involves
    only two tools: a small shovel and rake. I scoop up unsolicited
    canine deposits and wait until dark, at which point I return
    them to their owner, strategically placing them on the owner's
    porch, just below the door stoop, where the owner's foot is
    sure to find them.

    -b

    
    Dog Crap happens.
    

    I have a funny story about a dog. The resident of the house across the
    street from me, when I lived in Michigan, was having trouble with his
    next-door-neighbor's dog crapping all over the lawn and urinating on
    his bushes. He decided to frighten the dog so he stripped a cable and
    laid it along the ground by the bushes. He plugged the end of the wire
    into a socket attached to his outside house light and waited with his
    hand on the switch. Along comes the dog. He walks over to the bushes,
    and lifts his leg. The switch is thrown, the dog shakes violently
    and falls over dead. To make it worse, he picks up the dead dog, throws
    it into the back of his pickup truck and takes it down to the corner of
    the street. He places the carcass on the side of the road and reports
    to the owner that the dog has been hit by a car.

Ironic that the dog chow man thinks dead dogs are funny.

    you think thats funny?
    

    
    	I thought it was funny, too.
    
    	Never did think too fondly of dogs.
    

    The spectre of the Haagman looms ominously from the shadows.

    Dogs rights, I think I'll write my congressperson.

          CRAPCRAP    CRAPCRAPC        RAPC       RAPCRAPC
         CR      AP   CR      AP      CRAPCR      AP      CR  
        CR       AP   CR      AP     CR    AP     CR       AP
        CR            AP      CR    AP      CR    AP       CR
        CR            AP     CR     AP      CR    AP       CR
        CR            AP    CR      AP      CR    AP      CR
        CR            APCRAPC       RAPCRAPCRA    APCRAPCRA
        CR            AP    CR      AP      CR    AP
        CR            AP     CR     AP      CR    AP
        CR       AP   CR      AP    CR      AP    CR
         CR      AP   CR      AP    CR      AP    CR
          CRAPCRAP    CR      AP    CR      AP    CR
                                                    
    
    
    (C) copyright Leech Enterprises  v2.4     

    
    Oh, that's much nicer than the regular version.
    
    

    I like Steve's drawerings!

    
    RE: .40

    I must admit that in some fantasy mindscapes, I have done
    similar things. However, a dog is a pretty stupid thing and
    not responsible for where it $#!+$.

    The owners should be punished not the dog. Although it may
    be tempting to electrocute the owners, of course this can
    never be. So I prefer my method. Give them back their
    own.

    One particularly dense owner, incapable of making the connection
    between the smell of his shoes and irate neighbors, has on
    two occasions been left to wonder how his dog climbed onto
    the hood of his car... if you know what I mean.

    -b

    
    
    	I don't think there's anything funny with that story
    	at all.
    

    
    
    
    
    What I have done with a neighbor who doesn't like to clean up the dog
    crap in my yard is throw it back in her yard.  It kept happening, so
    I'd clean up my back yard and throw the whole bag in her front yard.
    
    
    

    re: .47
    
    Why, thank you, Mz. Debra.  I aim to please.  8^)

    I've had two dogs around the house, ever since I can remember. Some
    things that I have learned is that:
    
    	Simple positive or negative reinforcement of any kind is a good
    	teaching tool.
    
    	Dogs have no idea that they are going to die one day.
    
    	Dogs don't shive a get that they are going to die.
    
    The neighbor in my true story only meant to give a shock to the dog, or
    some negative reinforcement. His ignorance of electricity caused him 
    trauma and great remorse. Of course not enough to admit his error.
    
    I love dogs, but it still made me laugh. I'm just a sicko I guess.  :(

As a dog lover (we have 6) and one who maintains the attitude that we MUST 
keep them in our yard, I can attest to the fact that electric fence chargers
work wonders. It's harmless, but it hurts - they learn fast. (don't ask me how
I know it hurts)

    
    How do you know it hurts?
    
    

    Well, I've touched one before and it's like hitting your funny bone on
    your elbow real hard.

    
    That's not very funny.
    
    

    I always wondered why they called it that.

re: .56

I told you not to ask me that!

The funniest one was when I took this small battery powered unit back to the
HW store because it supposedly didn't work - showed them by holding the thing.
Turns out I had a bad ground - they fixed it and said "try it now" and

WHAM!!!!

Did I feel dumb :-}

    At least he didn't urinate on it!  :o

    
    	Yeah, what happens when the dog urinates on the electric fence?
    

    >	Yeah, what happens when the dog urinates on the electric fence?
    
    Another country music fan is born... :-)
    
    -b

    
    Seriously, the difference is simple:
    
    In the earlier example, full 117V line current was used. Piss
    on that and you'd join the choir eternal as well. Electric
    fences use lower voltage and DC, I believe. Enough for you
    to feel, but not enough to kill you.
    
    -b

    
    One more quick story. There was a woman who believed she had
    a psychic dog. The dog would always bark BEFORE the phone
    rang. Well, it turns out that the dog was uriniating on
    exposed telephone wiring and then lying in or near it. When
    the phone would ring, the ringer current was enough to give
    the dog a nice little jolt, and it would bark. The dog had
    what is known as a "high ringer equivalency"; it managed
    to get the brunt of the current from the first ring, enough
    so that the bell on the phone would not ring. The first ring
    would cause the dog to bark and also to jump, thus subsequent
    rings worked just fine...
    
    -b

re .64:

Electric fencers use a much higher voltage (enough to draw a spark, I have
an electric fencer) but limited current.  It's the current that kills.

It's also a once-a-second zap, and is essentially AC, certainly not DC.

    It's DC during the zap. 8^)

They were looking for about 2000 volts when testing (or was it 7000?). Ouch!

re .65:

You gotta get the story right! :-)

The dog was chained to the iron pipe used for the phone line ground (certain
party lines used the ground for the ringer) but it was a rather poor ground
when dry.  The phone line would ring (the ground not good enough for the phone
itself to ring), the dog would yelp/bark and would wee on the pipe.  Now wet,
the ground would be good enough for the phone to ring.  Thus psychic dog...

Doubt it's true (almost certainly a dog in this situation would quickly
learn to AVOID weeing on the pipe after getting zapped...), classic urban
legend.

    
    RE: .69
    
    I agree, most likely urban legend. Your version of the story
    is correct too.
    
    -b

    
    	Hmmm....dog crap people eh?
    
    	(up)chuck schumer
    	Sarah Brady
    	Bill Clinton
    	Boris Yeltsin
    	
    
    	I'll think of more....:)
    
    jim

    <--- You forgot Feinstien.

    
    	slip of the mind.