Conference yukon::christian_v7

    I just extracted this from the OZ notes conference:
    
    A robbery was committed last night at the local circus.  It is
    suspected that one of the palm readers, a midget, broke into the safe
    and stole the night's takings.  Police have asked the public to be on
    the lookout for a small medium at large.
    
    8^)
    Dave

    Re: Note 18.1 by JUPITR::DJOHNSON
    
>   I just extracted this from the OZ notes conference:
    
    Thief!  ;-)
    
    (We've got an OZ Christian Notes conference too.  WARABI::LC)

    If the Clinton's and the Gore's were stranded on a deserted island,
    who would be saved...
    
    The AMERICANS!!!

    I may have told this before, but I think its funny.
    
    Two burglars broke into this home to rob it, and were looking around
    trying to find good stuff to take.  There was a bird in the corner, and
    the entire time the burglars were there he kept saying "Jesus see's
    all.  Jesus see's all".  
    
    One of the burglars says "Some religious freak must live here.  Lets
    hurry up and leave, but first lets go in the back yard to see if
    there's anything good to take."
    
    They open up the back door and there is a HUGE Doberman thats snarling
    at them, showing his teeth (a really BAD dog).
    
    
    
    And the bird says......
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Sick em Jesus! 

    This was told to my church by a visiting Paster of a Deaf ministries in
    Massachusetts. Translated by a hearing person.
    
    	This guy is up at bat and he is really excited to get a hit. First
    ball flies by and he swings. "Strike One" yells the empire as he
    misses. An other ball wizzes by that he misses. "Strike Two" bawls the
    empire. Now this guy is really getting fired up. An other ball comes
    his way and he swings connecting with the ball but he is only able to
    get to first base. So after the pitcher has the ball again, he starts
    to sneak off the base but quickly runs back when he sees the pitcher
    turning his way. The pitcher throws and this guy goes runiing with all
    his might to second. The catcher throws the ball to the second baseman
    and this guy slides in with the ball caught by the second baseman a
    second later. The ump comes over and screams "YOU'RE OUT!" Then this
    guy jumps up and yells at the ump, "What do yea mean I'm out. I was
    safe by a mile. What are you blind?!?" The ump still insists that he is
    out and they argue some more.
    	"I say you're out!" yells the ump.
    	"Oh yeah who says so?!?!", yells the ballplayer.
    	"It's right in the book!"
    	"What book??" says the ball player. The Ump reached inside his coat
    and took out a book and fliped it open to a page.
    	"Right here," said the ump, "in the bible, 'Thou Shall Not Steal'"
    
    donald boyd
    	

mr ducks
mr not
sar
cm wangs
lib
mr ducks

mr snakes
mr not
sar
cm edbdiis
lib
mr snakes

mr farmers
mr not
sar
cmmt pockets
lib
mr farmers

    Did you hear about the new Al Gore doll?
    
    It has no moving parts!

Here I am, sitting in front of my VT340, mouthing .6 over and over and 
 a sales manager walks into my office, takes one look at me and walks 
out.

Too funny, Mike.

sandy

re.8

	I missed it (.6). Zipped right over my pumpkin head. Zoom. 8*)

I was probably trying too hard.

ace

    along the same lines as .6
    
    funex
    s
    funem
    s
    okmnx

    
    You MUST say with your best Southern accent!
    
    	A B, C D puppies?
    
    	L, M R N puppies!
    
    	M R 2 puppies, M R!
    
    	L I B, M R puppies, C M P N??
    

mr mice
mr not
sar
ar?
s. cmedbd feet?
lib, mR mice.

re last few

	Zip, zoom, zang, right over me.

	I sound silly here is my cube trying to talk the mumble!

ace

    I once saw quite a few of these printed up, along with some cartoons
    that sort of gave a hint (set the scene) for what was being said.  One
    that I remember, a little boy is lecturing his puppy dog:
    
    urnnml
    imnumbn
    
    Markel

    *NOW* I get it.  hahahahahahahaha
    
    Dave

mr mice                  Them are mice
mr not                   Them are not!
sar                      Yes, they are.
ar?                      They are?
s. cmedbd feet?          Yes, see them iddy-biddy feet?
lib, mR mice.            Well, I be. Them ARE mice!

Now you can have fun with the rest.

    
    Mark, Mark.  You just hadda do it didncha.  Moderators, sheesh.
    

    I have a question, is this WERBER, Peggy?

    
    Sorry, yes it is.  I didn't think there were any other WERBERs at DEC.
    

    Praise God its you!!! :-) :-) :-) 

Yes, Peg.  It seems there are a few things that I cannot help myself with.

Ace, don't read the answers!  that's a moderator request!  ;-)

MM

    
    OK - Praise God!  There, I did.  ;^)
    
    And remember, just say YES to flannel!  (love you sis!)
    

    Now and again my mother comes out with these wonderful little sayings
    which I assume some of you have heard before but which I've never heard
    before and which never fail to slay me. Her latest:
    
    
    Silence is golden...
    
    Shut up and get rich!
    
    
    
    Rebecca
                     

From:	AUSSIE::CAMERON "and God sent him FORTH (Genesis 3:23)  14-Apr-1993 0836" 14-APR-1993 08:44:07.13
To:	DECWRL::"[email protected]"
Subj:	More Movement

Actual event; I was present.

The church choir was not responding well to direction.  The conductor would
signal for increased beat and leave us all behind with his gyrations.  
So we were stopped and he said; "More movement!".  The organist was signalled
to restart, but before he could one of the bass voices yelled out;

"Have you tried prunes?"

We all collapsed in laughter, and it was some time before the conductor could
bring himself to continue...

--
James Cameron
Digital Equipment Corporation (Australia) Pty. Limited A.C.N. 000 446 800
([email protected])

    re: .24
    
�So we were stopped and he said; "More movement!".  The organist was signalled
�to restart, but before he could one of the bass voices yelled out;
    
    .. and what part do *you* sing?

    Recent editorial cartoon...
    
    Husband speaking to wife, as they watch T.V.
    
    "I don't know how anyone could think David Koresh is the Son of God -
    ...I mean, that would make Waco, Texas the promised land."

    Re: Note 18.25 by WARABI::MARKS
    
>   .. and what part do *you* sing?
    
    Tenore...
    
    The bass was our choir doctor, and it seems he judged everything by how
    well it's bowels moved... ;-)
    
    I can get down to an A below low C.  I can get up to around B or C
    above middle C.  Falsetto cutover varies according to humidity and air
    pressure, but it is generally around E above middle C - which is how I
    can tell when our quartet (Adomen) is more than a tone off key...
    
    James

>    Tenore...
    
    is that like 10 or 12 miles from everyone else?

    Re: Note 18.28 by FRETZ::HEISER
    
>>    Tenore...
>   is that like 10 or 12 miles from everyone else?
    
    No, it goes "Tenors are ten or eleven times better than basses..."
    
    ;-)

    How do you keep a heathen in suspense?HAW! HAW! HAW!

    Does this mean you're a Heathen or a Herthen?

I can't decide wheter I'm a heathen or not.  I never got to the end of 
the note to find out. :^)

Sandy

 I'm still lookin' and I know I'm getting close :-)

    Now this is one joke you can't tell offline!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-)

Once upon a time, there was a church in a small village that advertised for
a bell ringer.  In response to this ad, there came a sort of knock at the
door (more like a thudding noise).  When the Friar answered, to his 
astonishment, there stood a man with no arms.  "what can I do for you?"
he asked.

"I've come to apply for the job of bell ringer."

Taken aback, the Friar said, "But you can't ring the bell.  You've
got no arms!"

"Please sir, I need this job.  Give me a chance I just know I can do it."

The man was in so much earnest that the Friar, against his better judgment,
had pity and agreed to let him try.  So they went up to the bell tower where 
the bell was.  The man bent over and "thud" hit his head against the bell.

"Oh, no, this isn't going to work at all," said the Friar sympathetically.

"Oh, please I know I can do it."  and with that he took a couple of steps
back thrust himself onto the bell.  It gave a duller ring this time but
the Friar was beside himself with worry, for the gentleman did not look
too well after this attempt. 

"Oh, no, no.  We cannot do this."

"Please, give me one more try!" And with that he paced back to the other
side of the tower and ran full force for the bell.  Unfortunately,
this time the man missed the bell completely and lept off the tower
and perished on the ground below.

A crowd soon gathered as the Friar made his way down to the street.
No one knew who this armless man was, so someone asked, "Friar, do you
know this man?"

"No," replied the Friar, "but his face sure rings a bell."

The next day came another thud at the door.  The Friar opened it up
and to his horror, there was another armless man at the door!

"Oh, no, no.  Please, no.  You look like the guy who was here yesterday!"

"Oui.  He was my brother."

The Friar tried persistently to dissuade this man but the man also 
persisted and persuaded this too-kind-hearted Friar to give him a chance, 
and what do you know, but the same thing happened.

As he made his way to the street, someone in the crowd asked, "Friar,
did you know this man?"

"Alas, no.  But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

	A couple of gems from Steve Camp:

	He was talking about when he was single, and he was searching
	for a Christian wife.  He was driving folks crazy with his anxiety
	to find a wife, when his pastor told him "Steve, Adam got his wife
	while he was asleep, would you just go home and relax ? "

	He then said, "But, now I'm married to a wonderful, Christian, 
	Righteous fox"

	(I told Jamie he could steal that line for re-use some time ;-)  )

    Do you know how Theophilus got his name?
    
    
    
    When he was born his mom took one look at him and said, "That's
    Theophilus thing I've ever seen."
    
    :-) :-)  

	Warning:  This may violate some doctrinal beliefs ;-)
	

	Read this one today in another conference:
	
	Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and George Bush were traveling
	together and were in an accident.  They all died, and went to
	Heaven.

	God asked George Bush who he was, and he said, "I used to be
	President of the US."  God said, "You've been a good man, come
	sit on here by my right side"

	He then asked Bill, who said, "I was President of the US until
	a few minutes ago."  God said, "You've been a good man, come 
	sit here by my left side."

	He then asked Hillary, who replied, "I think you're sitting in my
	seat!"

    Why is it that seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?
    
    
    
    Because then they'd be Baygulls. :-) :-) :-) :-)
    hmmm, with or without cream cheese??? :-) :-) :-) SPLAT

>      <<< Note 18.43 by RIPPLE::BRUSO_SA "Horn players have more brass" >>>
>                  -< I thought this was the humor note. :^) >-
    
    It is.  We've gotta humor Nancy. :-)

    Anyone that lives in Warriors' country has to have a sense of humor.

    Who are the Warriors?

     <<< Note 18.46 by JULIET::MORALES_NA "Sweet Spirit's Gentle Breeze" >>>

    >Who are the Warriors?

They're reputed to be a basketball team that plays out of the Bay area.


Hope this helps.


Sandy

Nancy, I LIKED it.  Lox  ;^)

     � Who are the Warriors? 

     > They're reputed to be a basketball team that plays out of the Bay
     > area. 

     She lives a very cloistered life. Be nice to her. Tee hee hee

     8^) 

To the cloister,
Went the oyster
When the noisy noise
Annoyst her

    .49
    
    Brian, behave don't tell them I'm not worldly!! :-)  But thanks for the
    compliment.
    
    .50
    To the cloister, went the oyster... :-) :-) :-)
    
    hahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha
    
    Nancy who still thinks men should be more communicative like Chele.
    
    

    This couple was dealing with disciplinary problems with their two young
    boys.  No matter what they did, the children continued misbehaving. 
    They tried positive reinforcement, counseling, time out...nothing was
    working.  They were at the end of their tether.  They decided that they
    would have the pastor over to eat and talk to the children.  After
    supper, the pastor asked the oldest boy out for a walk.  Outside they
    went for a nice walk in the woods.  The pastor stopped under a
    beautiful oak tree and asked the young boy, "Junior, do you know where
    God is?"  The little boy looked around, up in the sky and shrugged his
    shoulders.  Again the pastor asked in a louder voice, "Junior, can you
    tell me where God is?"  The little boys chin started quivering as he
    shrugged his shoulders.  A third time the pastor queried, "JUNIOR,
    WHERE'S GOD????"  The little boy started crying and bolted back to the
    house to find his little brother cowering in the closet.  "You'll never
    believe what is happening" cried the brother.  "They can't find God and
    they're blaming it on us!"
    
    Smiles,
    Fran

    
    
    What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a vampire?
    
     AUTOEXEC.BAT
    8^)
    Dave

There was an earnest young pastor who was having troubles with his sermons.
It seems that he had a natural talent for a somewhat monotonous delivery,
and simply did not radiate well from the pulpit.  He also tended to be a
bit timid, and as a result, he worked extremely hard on his sermons to
compensate.  This simply made them more technical, but he could not under-
stand why a large percentage of his congregation seemed to nod off during
his pulpit time.

Attributing his problems to a lack of knowledge, he finally asked an older
colleague for help in keeping his listeners' attention.  The older pastor 
told him, "Well, I use a mix of stories and devices to perk them up at 
various times when I see their attention wandering."

"For instance," he said, "one of my tricks is to drop in the phrase: 'Why
just last night I found myself in the arms of a woman who was not my wife.'
This usually wakes up even the sleepiest ones.  After a pause, I continue,
'Of course, it was my mother.'"

The younger fellow could see the point, and thought that this was an excel-
lent device, well suited to his needs.

The following Sunday, he noticed the usual pattern developing in his flock,
just as he felt he was coming to the weightiest parts of his monologue.
He decided that now was the time, so he threw in, "As an illustration of
this, it was just last night that I was in the arms of a woman who is not 
my wife."

The congregation, being very familiar with the usual seriousness of our
hero, was absolutely electrified by this declaration, and a visible
stir pervaded the listeners.  Wives elbowed husbands to get their attention,
and even some of the older children began to stare up with real interest,
so that an unnatural silence followed.  Well this was beyond anything the
pastor had imagined, and it flustered him to the point of confusion.  He
bravely continued, "And of course..."  "Well, you see this was...", 

"Oh darn, now I've forgotten who it was!"

    Now that's, FUNNY!

Mannnnnnnn!  I hate it when that happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tee hee

    .55 ... I like it. Reminded me of a true story. This guy was preaching
    away at a meeting. As he was talking away he looked down to his
    congregation to see that one man had nodded off (asleep). To which he
    stopped and said to to the man sitting next to him "Hey Jimmy could 
    you give him a wee nudge and wake him up", to which Jimmy replied "No,
    you come down, it was you who put him to sleep!!!".  
    
    
    Well you had to be there.

    
    Robert Palmer was at ALF today!  You should have seen him - he's a
    sharped dress man and arrived in a big black limousine, slick.  He
    gave a good talk and I like him. I just can't figure out why he had
    those beautiful, highly made-up women behind him dancing to the tune
    "Simply Irrisistable".
    
    jeff

:-)

    Well, last night our assistant Pastor was making announcements.. now he
    talks like dis somedimes...he's just got dee way, you know [but the
    suthern drawl on it too]...
    
    Last night Mr. Mike Putnam [who is a Top Gun in the Navy] was announced
    as having been in his last service for a while as he was going to
    Hawaii on a two-month deployment..  But this is what was heard...
    
    
    
    I'd like to announce, that Mike Putnam is going out on de toilet! :-)
    
    :-) :-)
    

Whooosh!

I'll resist the temptation to toss in a few puns.






Jim

    I dont get it

    Did you hit return at the right time?
    
    :-)

    Father and son sitting in the house...
    
    Son : Hey dad, who was the oldest man in the bible?
    Dad : Hey emmm, dunno son
    
    1 minute later
    
    Son : Hey dad, why did the Israelites not like the Egyptians?
    Dad : Hey emmmmmmmmm, dunno son
    
    Another minute later
    
    Son : Dad, what's the longest book in the bible?
    Dad : I really dunno son
    
    Son : Dad, you don't mind me asking all these questions do you?
    Dad : Hey, of course not son. If you don't ask you'll never learn.

    Two ACLU lawyers were walking along the road.  They discovered the body
    of a man that had been murdered.  They immediately said, we must
    discover who did this.  He's going to need our help.

<<fwds deleted>>

        In church this past sunday, we celebrated Communion.  During the
"children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it
is all about.

        "The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'.
What does that mean?  Well, 'joyful' means happy, right?  And a feast
is a meal.  So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal.  And what are the
three things we need for a happy meal?"

        I turned to the guy next to me, and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a
regular soft drink?"

<<fwds deleted>>

>From our church bulletin.

A pastor went visiting one afternoon.  He knocked on one door several times,
but no one answered.  He could see though the window that the television was
on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and stuck it
in the door.  (Revelations 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock;
if anyone will open, I will come in.)

The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the
following message: "Genesis 3:10".   ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so
I hid myself.")

    Did you hear they're putting 2 new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
    
    Bill Clinton

    .-1
    
    :+}

    -2
    
    What does that mean?  Bill and Hillary or he's two-faced....
    
    I cracked up cuz, I envisioned bill and hillary but when I told my
    neighbor they said... 
    
    Okay, I'm slow.. but can you tell me what it meant?
    
    :-) :-)

    THUD

    
    A recent story in Insight magazine:
    
    Heavy Issue.  
    Dozens of portly protesters (along with some of their more svelte soul
    mates) gathered outside the World Trade Center in new York in May to
    demand a state ban on discrimination based on size. 
    
    Chanting "Say it loud, I'm fat and proud", and "Equal rights, not equal
    weights," members of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance
    rallied for a legislative bill that would forbid discrimination based
    on weight or height.
    
    The protest apparently carried some heft with officialdom.  Lynn
    Meletiche, and association official, says the demonstration was partly
    responsible for a June 2 meeting with New York Gov. Mario Cuomo.
    
    Cuomo was noncommittal on the bill, she says.  But a Cuomo spokeswoman
    says the meeting was successful.
    
    If the fat activists triumph, they may follow gay groups in demanding
    that schools teach tolerance of them.  One possible textbook:
    "Heather's Mommy Has Two Chins".

    Somehow I can identify with that! :-) :-) :-)
    
    Nancy

    What do you get when you cross and ocean and a river?
    
    
    
    Wet feet!

    Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
    
    
    It was feeling crummy.

    
    
    I saw a bumper sticker at a bookstore this weekend.
    
    "To get to heaven....
     Turn right and go straight."
    
    MAtthew 7:13-14 "Enter through the narrow gate.  For wide is the gate
    and broad is the raod that leads to destruction, and many enter through
    it.  But small is the gate and narrow the raod that leads to life, and
    only a few find it."
    

    The Pope was on a visit to the United States, and he arrived at
the airport in a private jet.  He got out of the jet and saw the
biggest limousine that he had ever seen in his life.  He discovered
that it was there for his benefit and he proceeded to ask the driver
if he could drive it.  The chauffeur, a little bit taken aback, and
not one to say no to the Pope, said that it would be fine.

So off they went down the freeway.  The Pope without realizing it, of
course, was speeding and was caught by the police.  They pulled him
over and after having spoken to him for a little while, they realized
that it really was the Pope.  The police officer went back to his car
and radioed his superior officer:

    "Sir, I've caught somebody speeding here but the problem is that
he's a very important person."

    "More important than me?"

    "Yes sir, he's more important than you."

    "Well is he more important than the lieutenant?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid that he's more important than the lieutenant,
sir."

    "Is he more important than the Chief?"

    "He's even more important than the Chief."

    "Is he more important than the Secretary of Defense?"

    "He's more important than the Secretary of Defense as well sir."

    "Is he more important than the Secretary of State?"

    "Yes he's more important than the Secretary of State?"

    "Is he more important than the President?"

    "I'm afraid so sir, he's even more important than the President."

    "Well who is he officer?"

    "I don't know sir, but he's got the Pope for a chauffeur."

Hey, John,  you make me choke like thaht over my lunch, I'll be getting an 
early promotion ... ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)
								&rew

Had to extract that one to take home.

Lew

    Heard this on the radio on the way to work.
    
    Man sitting next to empty seat in the church social hall is asked," Is
    this seat saved?"  His response, "No, but you are welcome to Witness to
    it if you want".

    A man has just arrived at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says: "Sorry,
    fella, we can't let you in! You don't seem to have done *anything*
    worthwhile in your whole life!"
    
    The man protests: "What about the time I confronted the Hell's Angels
    motorcycle gang when they were harrassing a young lady?!"
    
    St. Peter says: "Hmmm, that sounds like something worthwhile, can you
    give me more details so I can look it up in the records?"
    
    The man says: "Sure! When I saw what was happening I yelled at a
    passerby to call the police, then took up a defensive position between
    the young lady and the gang!"
    
    St. Peter: "Wow! That's certainly a brave act!" (looking through his
    book...) "But we have *no* record of it whatsoever! Can you tell me
    approximately when this happened?"
    
    Man: (looking at his watch) "Oh... maybe 4 or 5 minutes ago..."
    
    
    BTW: This may be one of the oldest jokes on earth: According to
    "The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor", this story dates back to 100 B.C.
    (Substitute the Hell's Angels for the Roman Legion)
    
    Don/

Don,
 
> St. Peter says: (etc....)
> ....
> BTW: This may be one of the oldest jokes on earth: According to
>    "The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor", this story dates back to 100 B.C.
>    (Substitute the Hell's Angels for the Roman Legion)

and St. Peter guarded the gate before he was born? ;-)

The gates of heaven weren't opened to anyone until after the Resurrection.

But time is meaningless outside the universe.

/john

My guess is that in the original [ Hebrew ;-] it was the gates of Paradise,
watched over by (father) Abraham, which I believe continues in Jewish
tradition.  But I'm not sure who the ante-diluvian version would have
had.... 

								&rew

    re: previous few
    
    Wow! You guys really know how to analyze a joke! (But that's not what
    you're *supposed* to do with them!)  :-)
    
    Here's another from the same source that sorta goes along with things
    that happen in this notes conference: If there's isn't a difference of
    opinion, INVENT one!
    
    A Jew escaped from a death camp during WWII and tried to reach England
    on a rubber raft.  A large storm came up and blew him a few thousand
    miles south where he landed on a lush, uninhabited tropical island. 
    With no rescue in sight, he made the best of things and began to settle
    in, building a home, recreational facilities and even a small
    synagogue.
    
    After many years he spied a ship on the horizon and
    wonder-of-all-wonders, it was flying the flag if the Israeli navy! He
    built a bonfire and soon was showing the captain and first mate around
    what was now a small village, population: 1.
    
    They were most impressed with his commitment to his Orthordox
    upbringing and were very pleased to see that he had even built a
    temple!  Seeing what seemed to be a *second* temple standing off by
    iteself they asked "And what's that building over there?"
    
    "Bah! That is a Reformist Temple! I wouldn't set FOOT in there!"
    
    Don/  

    I don't get it... :-(

To the best of my understanding, here is a little background from which to
understand the preceeding humor.  I'm sure there are others who can explain
it better.  Please forgive any mistakes, spelling, typos, or others.

Well, there are three major Jewish groups - Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform.
There are some differences between them all, and the Orthodox pretty much view
the Reform as very liberal and "not kosher".  If a person converts to Judaism,
is mikva'd (sort of like baptism & required for conversion) under Reform 
Judaism, the Orthodox would not accept that person as being Jewish unless
they went through the conversion process and mikva again under Orthodox Judaism.

Anyhow, since this person on the island was all alone, he had to have built 
the Reform temple as well - built it just for the sake of having a place
(something) to disagree with.  Wry humor, so to speak.  Thanks for sharing,
Don.

Leslie

    I guess you had to be there.. :-) :-) :-)

    NASA Officials received the following note:
    
    wE Have youR SateLLiTe
    if you wAnt it BaCk
    send 20 MillIon iN
    mArtiAn Money no
    FUnny buSinEss or
    yOu wILL nEveR see
    iT AgaIn

    When my Dad was pastor of the Dixfield Maine Church of the Nazarene,
    he had a VERY enthusiastic convert.  The man was witnessing at work,
    witnessing to all his relatives, he'd stop anybody on the street and
    tell'm all the good things Jesus had done for him!  He was very
    successful in getting folks to start attending the church and was
    responsible for a lot of the early growth of the congregation.
    
    One day he came to my Dad with a question:  "Rev. Arey, I was witnessing
    to someone yesterday, and he asked me a question I couldn't answer.
    Could you tell me: Are we Protestant or Catholic?"
    
    True story...  Don/                                           

.98

Don,
  I wish we all had that blissful ignorance, too!

Smiles.

     S   N   A   R   F




a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!

    Re: .100
    
    Very funny.
    
    Markel :-)

    
    
    so..buttons
    
    And the question is?

    heard on the radio awhile back....
    
    Hillary, Bill and Al all approach the Pearly Gates together.  St Peter 
    opens the door and Bill approaches God saying, "Hello, God.  I'm Bill 
    Clinton, president of the United States."  "Yes," said God, "You have 
    been a good man (bear with me folks), please take a seat at the right 
    of my throne."
    
    Al walks up to God and says, "Your Honor, I am Al Gore, and I am the
    vice-president of the United States."  God said, "Yes, Al, welcome. 
    You have been a good man, too.  Take a seat at the left of my throne."
    
    Then Hillary comes thru the gate and says "Hi, God, I believe you are
    in MY seat."
    
    -sandy
    

Standing in line, waiting to get into heaven, one person becomes particularly
concerned by the groans and moans he is hearing coming over the wall.  So, 
when he reaches the gate, he asks St. Pete, "Hey, is this heaven?"

"It sure is," replied Peter.  "Why do you ask?"

"Well, what are all these moanings and groanings I'm hearing."

"Oh that," replied Peter.  "Don't worry about that.  Those are just the
Nazarenes.  They found out that Wednesdays don't count."




a ha ha ha ha ha ha





----------------------------------------------------------------

(Reference: Nazarenes have three regularly scheduled services.  Sunday
morning and evening and Wednesday evening.  I attend regularly, by the
way, but you won't find me groaning.  :-) )

    re: .104
    
    Similar:
    
    St. Peter was giving a heavenly tour to a Baptist, a Catholic and a
    Presbyterian who (somehow) made it to Heaven.  They walked past a
    tall hedge from whence emanated a very large amount of celebratory
    noise...
    
    One of the tourist remarked: "Say! Is that a party we can join?!"
    
    St. Peter: "Shhh...! Don't let'em hear you!  That's the Nazarenes...
    We let'em think keep thinkin' they're the only one's here!"
    
    Don/

Eeeent.  Nazaranes don't party, do they?
   



           We  F E L L O W S H I P ! ! !

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

    So, Markem, are you going to invite us to your next birthday
    fellowship? :-)

C'mon to Nashua in December.  That's when my birthday happens.  @<|8^)

    It'll be a cold day when I come to your birthday party.... :-)

Hey, it is still Autumn for most of December, unless you're speaking
meteorologically.  And if you are, how do you say "bring lots of presents"
in meteorlogish?

    Bring lots of presents?  To a fellowship???

    That's right! We (Nazarenes) don't "Party" we "Fellowship"
    
    Also:
    
    	We have an "After-Glow", not a post-church-service-pig-out!
    
    	We "Share in Love", we don't "Gossip"
    
    	We don't "Pry", we "just want to know how to pray for you better"
    
    Don/

It's okay to make fun of ourselves, but let's not let anyone else do it!  :-)

I rewrote some verses to the Siamese Cat song in the Lady and the Tramp.
Do you know it?

We are Nazarenes if you please.
We all go to sleep on our knees.
We don't go to movies or to bingo.
We know all the churchy-kind of lingo.

Well, from what I have heard, most every church has its share of 
"wanting to know how to pray for you better" and the like.  As for me,
I will often ask outright because I want to know.  If they don't want
me to pry, just say so, but I don't like to guess and what people think
I should know.

So, how many of you know anything about the Church of the Nazarene?
And how familiar do these criticisms sound?

    IS THAT WHY in the south the say.....
    
    
    	Let us PRY... I always thought that was southerner for 
    
    
    	Let us PRAY...! now I see!
    
    A BIG 8^) here...!
    

    My Dad (Reverend Dad?!) always said that the PERFECT Christian could
    be composed from:
    
    	The Baptist's COMMITMENT
    	The Assembly of God's ENTHUSIASM
    and The Nazarene's DOCTRINE (natch...!)
    
    Don/

.115

Hallelujah!  I'll buy that mix, Don!

Natch!

    -1
    
    Well I'll sell it to you for a cool $100. :-) :-)

    Speaking of Selling... Some folks think *everybody* as well as
    *anything* can be bought and sold, as this story illustrates:
    
    A couple of advertising salemen from Prince (The Pasta company)
    gained an audience with the Pope some time ago...
    
    Salesman: "Your Holiness, we would are prepared to pay you a very
    	      sizable sum for each time you substitute 'pasta' for
    	      'bread' when you say the Lord's Prayer: 'Give us this
    	      day, our daily PASTA...'
    
    The Pope: "Gentlemen, you must be joking!  I could *never* do
    	      such a thing!"
    
    The salemen huddled for a moment, the approaced the Pope again:
    
    Salesman: "Your Holiness, we are talking Big Bucks here: $10,000
    	      for every prayer! We can pay it directly to any charity
    	      you pick..."
    
    The Pope: "No on your life! The Lord's Prayer is part of the
    	      unchangeable Word of God!"
    
    They huddled again and responded:
    
    Salesman: "Your Holiness, we would be prepared to pay you as much
    	      as $100,000.- if you would just say it ONCE on Television...
    	      You could even make it sound like a mistake...!"
    
    The Pope: "Sorry boys, but this audience is over!"
    
    The salesman walked away rather glumly and when they were out of
    ear-shot of the Pope, one remarked to the other: 
    
    		"Think what the bread men must be paying him!"

    Heard this over the weekend...
    
    What do you get when you combine an insomnic, an agnostic, and a
    dyslexic?
    
    
       Someone who stays up nights wondering if there is a dog!

    Our former pastor was preaching most energetically against certain
    social evils.  He said in a loud, prophtetic voice:
    
    "Does our church take a stand against gambling?! You BET it does!!!"
    
    I never let'em live it down.
    
    Don/

    You've probably all heard this one, but...

    In the car, on the way home from church mom asks Billy, "What did you
    talk about in your Sunday School class today?"

    "Baseball," replied Billy.

    "Baseball?" asked mom.

    "Yea, we read about it in the bible."

    "In the bible???"

    Billy said, "The teacher was reading from the Bible where it says..."


    "'In the Big Inning...'"

    Yup! It was in the Big Inning:
    
    	Adam stole first, Eve stole second and the Prodigal Son came home!
    
    Grins! 
    Don/

    Where did John the Baptist get his clothes?
    
    Jordan Marsh!
    
    For those outside of the New England area, Jordan Marsh is one of the
    local "fashionable" department stores.

    
    
    Does he get his furniture at Jordans?  (another NE store)
    
    reply .124
    
    #24

    Saw this bumper sticker:
    
    			W A R N I N G
    	During the Rapture this car may become suddenly vacant
    
    
    or something like that
    
    
    And my favoerite true story.
    
    	I went to borrow several dollars from my sister-in-law who was with
    her 2 year old daughter and four year old son. When she gave me the
    money, I gave her a big hug and kiss, then proceeded to give my niece a
    big hug and a kiss. I then turned to my newphew and gave him a big hug
    and a kiss, at which he retorted "What are you kissing me for, I didn't
    give you the money?!"
    
    Donald

    
    A pastor's wife in town who is a school teacher has this on her
    sticker:
    
    As long as there are tests there *will be* prayers in school.
    
    

        Q. Which dinosaur ate nacho chips?
    
    
    
            A. Tyrannosaurus Mex.
    
            Q. What kept prehistoric people
               awake at night?
    
    
            A. All the dinosnoring.
    

_    /|            _    /|             _    /|            _    /|
\'o.O'             \'o.O'              \'o.O'             \'o.O'
=(___)=   Aack!!!  =(___)=   Aack!!!   =(___)=   Aack!!!  =(___)=   Aack!!!
   U                  U                   U                  U
    

                                                                 *
                                                                / \
       ___        ___         ___        ___        ___        /___\
      <o,o>      <@,@>       <-,->      <x,x>      <o,o>       <o,o>
      (   )      (   )       (   )      (   )      ( v )       ( o )
      -"-"-      -"-"-       -"-"-      -"-"-      -"-"-       -"-"-
       Owl    I know you     boring     dead     sticking    surprised?
               liked it                         out tongue   not really!
      
    
    

    Re: Note 18.129 by JULIET::MORALES_NA
    
>      ___
>     <o,o>
>     (   )
>     -"-"-
>      Owl
    
    I've got 20 or 30 pages of cows somewhere that I could post... ;-)
    
    James

    
    
    please do.

    Oh no! -- there goes a few thousand blocks of disk pasture! :-)
    
    (Well....probably not quite that much....)
    
    Mark L.

    Repent!  The end of the disk is near!

    Phil, yeah I liked it.  You forgot to (tm) it though ;-)

    hee hee hee

    Well, after yesterday's little comment about Christians in the VNS,
    maybe they figured they'd get us smiling today.... :-)
    
<><><><><><><><>  T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e  <><><><><><><><>

 Edition : 2921               Friday 24-Sep-1993            Circulation :  6581 


VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH:                           [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent]
=====================                           [Littleton, MA, USA            ]

After the Great Flood was over, Noah gently eased the Ark down on top
of a Turkish mountain range.  Once everything was secured, he got off
and personally supervised the release of the animals on board.
As each pair was released from the hold to go hopping, crawling and
fluttering away, Noah said to them "Go forth and multiply!"

At one point, a pair of snakes came slithering down the ramp together.
Noah addressed them as he had all the others: "Go forth and multiply!"
The snakes looked at one another in embarassment, and then replied
"We can't.  We're adders."

Well, this set Noah to thinking.  He bid the snakes to wait there for
a little while.  Then he went down to the hold, gathered up his
carpentry tools (left over from the big Ark-building endeavor 40 days
and nights ago, I suppose), and then set off into the forest.  He
returned later dragging along a bunch of fallen logs.

Then there was furious activity: Noah was sawing, planing, hammering
away at the logs.  When he was finished, he presented to the snakes a
newly built, rough-hewn table.  Then he said to them again, "Go forth
and multiply!"

"But we're adders!" the snakes moaned.  Noah said, "Yes, but I've just
built you a log table!"
    

    Incidentally, it's amazing how inaccurate some of the details of the
    above story are:
    
>After the Great Flood was over, Noah gently eased the Ark down on top
    
    As if Noah had a rudder or sail?
    
>carpentry tools (left over from the big Ark-building endeavor 40 days
>and nights ago, I suppose),
    
    It *rained* for 40 days and nights.  It was 150 days before the waters
    receded, and a bit more until they ventured out.
    
    Still, I liked the story.
    
    Mark L.
    

    Re: Note 18.137 by CHTP00::CHTP04::LOVIK
    
>"But we're adders!" the snakes moaned.  Noah said, "Yes, but I've just
>built you a log table!"
    
    Some people don't know this;
    
    You can multiply two numbers together if you convert them to
    logarithmic form and add the logarithms, then convert them out again to
    non-logarithmic form.  A log table is a conversion table for doing
    this.
    
    ;-)

    ...or subtracting logs instead of dividing numbers.

    ...or, for exponential growth, you can multiply logs. :-)

    What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Ruthless...
    
    
    bahahahahahahahahahahahaha
    
    
    -sandy
    

    hee hee hee hee hee  I  L I K E D it!  I  L I K E D  it!
    
    Nancy

	I was driving home from my hoop game last night.   I recalled
	a bit of humor.  I probably put in Christian_V6s humor topic.
	I searched for it to make sure it wasn't a repeat for V7.

	Dr, James Dobson of FOCUS ON THE FAMILY got a letter from a child 
	once, that referred to his organization as "poke us in the fanny."
   
   
   	

         Last week in Chit-Chat, travel stories briefly came to the fore, 
         which reminded me of a book laying dormant on our shelf. Those on 
         this side of the pond may remember a book by Stephen Pile - The 
         Book of Heroic Failures.
         
         (The following extract is reprinted without permission)
         
                                 THE WORST TOURIST
         
         	The least successful tourist on record is Mr Nicholas 
         Scotti of San Francisco. In 1977 he flew from America to his 
         native Italy to visit relatives.
         	En route the plane made a one-hour fuel stop at Kennedy 
         Airport. Thinking that he had arrived, Mr Scotti got out and spent 
         two days in New York believing he was in Rome.
         	When his nephews were not there to meet him, Mr Scotti 
         assumed they had been delayed in the heavy Roman traffic mentioned 
         in their letters. While tracking down their address, the great 
         traveller could not help noticing that modernisation had brushed 
         aside most, if not all, of the ancient city's landmarks.
         	He also noticed that many people spoke English with a 
         distinct American accent. However, he just assumed that Americans 
         got everywhere. Furthermore, he assumed it was for their benefit 
         that so many street signs were written in English.
         	Mr Scotti spoke very little English himself and next asked 
         a policeman (in Italian) the way to the bus depot. As chance would 
         have it, the policeman came from Naples and replied fluently in 
         the same tongue.
         	After twelve hours travelling around on a bus, the driver 
         handed him over to a second policeman. There followed a brief 
         argument in which Mr Scotti expressed amazement at the Rome police 
         force employing someone who did not speak his own language.
         	Scotti's brilliance is seen in the fact that even when told 
         he was in New York, he refused to believe it.
         	To get him on a plane back to San Francisco, he was raced 
         to the airport in a police car with sirens screaming. "See," said 
         Scotti to his interpreter, ""I know I'm in Italy. That's how they 
         drive."

  Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
    
  A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the  
     trampoline.

 :-)

    Some questions to ponder....

    o WHY are there interstates in Hawaii..?

    o WHY are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
      parachutes?
    
    o HOW does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
    
    o IF 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
      on the doors..?
    
    o IF a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
    
    o IF nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to
      the pan?
    
    o IF you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
      you turn on the headlights?
    
    o WHY do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
    
    o WHY is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
      shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called 
      cargo?
    
    o You know that little *indestructible* black box that is used on
      planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same 
      substance?
    
    o WHY is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
      turn down the volume on the radio?

RE:              <<< Note 18.148 by BSS::GROVER "The CIRCUIT_MAN" >>>
                     -< Someone said these were humorous? >-

   
   . o WHY are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
   .   parachutes?
    
    
       At the speed with which today's aircraft (commercial jet variety)
       travel, and the amount of people they carry, by the time they
       got everybody organized enough to put on their chutes it would
       be too late.


     I used to enjoy watching my grandmother make iced tea..she'd boil the
     water and tea bags, put ice in it too cool it off, then put sugar in it
     to make it sweet, then lemon to make it tart :-)




 Jim

 I always keep a floatation device *and* a parachute handy when I'm
 flying, however :-)



 btw..Markel..I crashed on approach to ORD 27R last night.  Was flying
 a stretch DC8, approaching with full flaps and gear down and was shooting
 an ILS approach..came out of the clouds and needed a bit of adjustment
 to land and with full flaps and gear out that thing just couldn't turn
 quick enough :-/



 Jim

    
    Sign in front of the Federated Church in Blackstone, Ma.
    
    
              SOME PEOPLE ARE CARRIED INTO CHURCH
    
               
                         WHY WAIT?
                                 

    
    Quote from a Swami from India:
    
    "God understands all languages, but when you speak in Sanskrit,
     He doesn't have to translate."   (;^) 
    
    Cindy

>    "God understands all languages, but when you speak in Sanskrit,
>     He doesn't have to translate."   (;^) 
    
    If the King's English was good enough for the Apostle Paul, it's good
    enough for me. :-)

    
    Mark,
    
    Which King are you referring to?
    
    Cindy

    King James, of course!  That's the language that the Apostle Paul
    spoke, wasn't it? :-)

    In an effort to find a kinder term for f_rt, my son began thinking up
    nicknames for this, the one that made me laugh the hardest was:
    
    See .58 for answer

    Heat Stinking Missile... :-) :-)

Go sit in your pew for that one, Nancy.

    
    Re.156
    
    Um...er...ah...uh...well...
    
    Methinks you have your historical timelines seriously mixed up. (;^)
    
    Seriously though, wasn't it originally Aramaic (or something like this?)
    
    Cindy

RE the term for flatus, my son says "beep".

>    Seriously though, wasn't it originally Aramaic (or something like this?)

That's the point.  This "joke" has been around for a while, as a poke at the
ignorant sort of literalism.  When new translations started to be done, after
people had been using the King James Version for centuries, some people
actually said and believed this to defend the continued use of the King James.

Paul

    I heard that the printers commissioned by King James were fined for a
    number of printing errors, the worst (or best :-)) being the omission
    of a small, but very important "not" in the commandment about adultery.
    
    King James immediately ordered a re-print.

    
    Here is one I thought was good.
    
     This new young pastor had just gotten out of seminary,and he was
      sent to small baptist in the deep south.The people of this church
    were use to a fire and brimstone sermon,so he wanted make a good 
      showing.Now this was such an old church it had loft in it.Anyway
    this pastor and bought a parrot and taught it to light matches and
      throw them down through the loft.So when sunday came and he got to
    the part of his sermon,{ And the Fire came down from Heaven!} The parrot
     was to light a match and throw it down through loft.It got to that
    part in his sermon,and he said " And the Fire came down from Heaven".
     Well nothing happened so he repeated it several times,still nothing
    happened.He then became very concerned with the situation,and began
     to sweat heavily.Wiping the sweat from his brow and looking toward the
    ceiling of church,he cried out as loud as he could.And the Fire Came
     Down from HEAVEN!!! The parrot stuck his head out of the loft and
    said,And the Cat pee'd on the Matches!!!!!!!!
                                                                      
      

349.4�                    Home Schooling Alert
349.4� CSLALL::HENDERSON "Friend will you be ready?"      11 lines  17-DEC-1993
349.4� ========================================================================
349.4�   Hello, we're from the federal government, and we're here to help you..

Reminds me of the two boy scouts who were late for school.  They explained 
that they were held up doing their good deed for the day on the way to 
school.  They were helping an old lady over the road.  
	The teacher asked : "It needed *both* of you???"
		"Yes", one answered, "She didn't want to cross over..."

Uh, perhaps this conflicts with the aims of .0, though.  Might not be in 
good taste after all....?  Walll.... so long as you don't pass it to any 
federal employees.... ;-}

								&

Our pastor shared an incident with us on Sunday that happened 
earlier in his ministry.

At that time, he was a pastor in the South and letters from
televangelists were very common.  One Sunday, an older woman
asked him to stop by after church which he did.  She had gotten
a letter from a well-known televangelist that indicated that
if she gave them $100.00, God would honor that and increase
it tenfold to $1000.00.  Included in the envelope was a single
seed representing the seed offering they hoped she would give.
She asked the pastor what she should do.

As Pastor Glen explained it, "There are sometimes you speak
without really thinking.  Anyway, I told her that she didn't
really need $1000.00 and that the people who seemed to need
the money were the people at the ministry - so she should
mail back the seed and ask for $100.00 in order that they
would receive $1000.00.  :-)"  

A few days later when at the general store, the owner asked 
Glen what he was teaching his congregation.  It seems the woman
had gone out, bought a packet of seeds and mailed them off to
the ministry along with Glen's suggestions indicating that
with 25 seeds, they should expect $25,000.00.  She never heard
from them again.  :-)

Collis

 :-)

    I've been thinking of some of the sayings my brother-in-law come up
    with... He and I were stationed together (before he was my b-i-l) in
    Germany for 4 years...

    His dad was a Southern Baptist Preacher... and one of the sayings my
    b-i-l picked up from him was;


    	God willing and the crick don't rise......


    Anyone else have any of them good-ol southern phrases....?

    NOTE: "Crick" is really creek... but the folks in the south, in the US
    call a creek a crick.....
    
    
    Bob
    

    
    If something is high-priced its "higher than a cat's back"
    
    If something is futile its "a goat roap"
    
    If someone is a tightwad they're "tighter than Dick's hatband"
    
    There are others but just now I can't think of them because they are so
    common to me.  If you can get Dan Yackel to comment he probably has
    noticed several himself since being here.
    
    jeff

    Hmmmmm
    
    Responses to How are you:
    
    Happier then a pig in mud
    I'm so good it's gross
    Better then grits [GRITS ARE A FAVORED MEAL] ummm yum
    Better then the cream off Bessie's teats [Bessie's the cow]
    
    Okay... most of these come from the BRADSHAW farm. [my maiden name]
    
    Nancy
    

    
    "pitiful"
    
     Depending upon the inflection the degree of pitifulness is implied.
    

You mean like  piiiiitiful, or pi... ti... ful!?

Putrescence and effluvia are some of the interjections I hear from 
time to time.

MM

    .173
    
    Mark, folks from the south couldn't pronounce Rafael, they called  him
    Raviolis... putrescence and effluvia are rather questionable. :-)

    My father (the preacher) used to say:
    
    	"Well somebody say AMEN! Don't just sit there blinkin' like
        a toad in hail storm!"
    
    Used to get a chuckle, depending on the church...
    
    Don/

    
    
    A sack of flour makes a mighty big biscuit.

    re .175
    
    that one tickled my funny bone... :-)
    

    Here's another one I remember, from living in Texas, courtesy of the
    US. Army....

    "That was closer that ticks on a hound's back"......

    Bob

 Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

    My dad, the Southern Baptist Preacher mentioned in note 18.169,
    told me the following story:
    
    Seems there was this new minister that preached a sermon in a small 
    Southern Baptist Church in south Georgia during the early 50's. The 
    church was small and because it was summer, the heat and humidity  
    (if you ever lived in south Georgia you know what I mean!) were both
    high. He concluded his very long sermon with how he became a preacher.
    He was standing by his barn watching the clouds roll by when he spotted
    two clouds that formed the letters "GP". He took this as a sign from
    God that he should go preach. The sermon over, the preacher stood by
    the door to shake hands and most of the people had gone out already 
    when an elder of the church approached the preacher. The preacher 
    asked the church elder how he had liked the sermon. The elder thought
    for a moment and said. "Don't you think God was telling you to go plow
    instead of go preach?" Needlessly to say the preacher wasn't invited 
    back.
    
    /Mike
    

The 'euthanasia' note reminded me of a car sticker I like :

	==========================================================
	| My ambition - live long enough to embarrass my kids... |
	==========================================================


	And, you know, I almost think I've done it!

								&

    -1
    
    hee hee hee hee hee hee 
    
    I *know* I've already lived long enough to do it, and I'm only 35...

    >    I *know* I've already lived long enough to do it, and I'm only 35...
    
    yeah so you tell us.

    -1
    
    pftpblpftpblpft :-)

    you mean :-p

    Ok, multiple choice...
    
    They will know we are Christians by ???
    
    A) our bumber stickers        G) the way we talk
    B) the Bibles we carry        H) the way we preach
    C) the crosses we wear        I) seeing us healing the sick
    D) the crosses we bear        J) not finding us after the rapture
    E) knowing we go to church    K) seeing us cast out devils
    F) knowing we tithe           L) our love for one another
    
    More than one answer is acceptable

  D and L

What's a bumber and what would you stick on it?

:-)

Paul

� What's a bumber and what would you stick on it?
              ^
              p


I knew it looked odd...  Don't you call them fenders?

							&

    OK, Bumper! God forgives typo's, as well as everything else 8^)
    
    Since I'm here, add these:
    
    M) the fruits we exhibit                 N) we look like fruits
    
    Bob

    
    There's only one answer, L, the rest will follow.

    
    Sorry I forgot this was "Humor"
    
    
    :-)

    I heard some news from Chrysler today... They have been awarded the
    contract to build the new US. Presidential limo....
    
    
    They're calling it the Dodge Drafter...
    
    burump bum!
    
    8^)
    

The following was part of a sermon by a UCC minister preaching to Episcopalians
on the Sunday within the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity.

At a gathering of denominational executives, ministers, priests, bishops,
and lay representatives, a fire broke out.  Someone yelled "FIRE" and the
representatives acted accordingly:

	The Baptists immediately called for water.
	The Quakers sat silently waiting for the Spirit to speak.
	The Lutherans quickly made a long list of objections to the fire
	  and nailed it to the auditorium doors.
	The Presbyterians met and voted to refer the issue of fire to a
	  committee which would publish a detailed report to be presented at
	  the next meeting of the session.  [Sounds like Episcopalians to me.]
	The Fundamentalists [?] declared the fire to be the wrath of God to
	  punish us for our sins.
	The Unitarians called all their friends to share and celebrate the
	  experience.
	The Congregationalists yelled "Every man for himself" while the
	  politically correct United Church of Christ representatives
	  yelled "Every person for herself/himself."
	And, of course, the Episcopalians formed a tasteful procession
	  and left the auditorium for sherry!

;-) .... 

	....and did the Pentecostals walk out taking the fire on their heads?

    I've heard this at more than one church so it is bound to be in one of
    those "preachers joke books"
    
    There were two neighbors who were not getting along, one had a pet
    white rabbit and the other had two large dogs.  The neighbor with the
    rabbit was always complaining the dogs were trying to kill the rabbit,
    and of course the dog owner said they would never do such a thing.
    
    Well a few weeks went by and the dog owner saw her dogs playing with
    something, she went over and found out it was the rabbit, all dirty,
    dead, but not tore up yet.  Fearing what her neighbor would do when she
    found out, he took the dead rabbit into the house, washed it well, blew
    dry the hair, and lightly oiled it to look natural.  After that he went
    to the neighbors house before she got home from work and put the rabbit
    in his cage looking like he was sleeping, or just died of natural
    causes painlessly.
    
    Then he waited for the neighbor to come home, hoping to console her
    when she found out the rabbit was dead.
    
    She came home and a few minutes later he heard her go into her back
    yard followed by a blood curtling scream.  He rushed over as she was
    screaming.  She screamed, "The rabbit is back, The rabbit is back", and
    then went on to say how it had died the day before and her son had
    burried it.
    
    I don't remember the sermon or even the moral to the story, but I
    remember the story.
    
    Sparky

Shoulda used Brylcream.

    My wife just got home from MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers) that a local
    church sponsors.  She told me this bit, that may belong in the marriage
    note more than here.
    
    The speaker said everyone always says the problem of newlyweds if for
    2 people to learn to live together, the speaker said this was wrong,
    the problem is the 6 people that are trying to live together.
    
    1 Who the Groom thinks the Bride is
    2 Who the Bride thinks the Groom is
    3 Who the Groom thinks he is
    4 Who the Bride thinks she is
    5 Who the Groom really is
    6 Whe the Bride really is

I like it.  You should cross post it.

Snarfolaramarinodoobydoobydoo!

   The Pope was reported to have a terminal heart condition that only a heart
transplant would alleviate.  When the report reached the faithful, many
flocked to St. Peter's to donate their own hearts to the Pope.
   Upon hearing this, the Pope was very humbled but refused so great a gift.
Yet the people impored the Pope so much that he finally acquiesced.
  "But how should I choose?" asked the Pope to one of his Cardinals.
  Then an idea came to him.  "Take this feather and go to the balcony,
and the one who catches the feather is the one who may donate their heart
to me, as much as I am humbled by their generosity!"
  So the Cardinal went to the balcony and explained the Pope's decree, and
for the next hour or so, all that could be heard was "Foof!"  "Foof!"  "Foof!"








-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moral:  Many of us go to great lengths to say we'll give Jesus our hearts,
but when it comes down to it, and it means losing our life, we may not be
so enthusiastic.

    I've heard that the Olympic games are full of....
    
    WINNERS
    
    
    and LUGERS.... 8*O
    
    
    If in that sport they are all LUGERS, how does one "win"..!
    
    Sorry, I know, bad jokes!!!
    

    
    
    >Sorry, I know, bad jokes!!!
    
     I dont mind a BAD joke once in a while, but those were really bad! :-)

    BUT....
    
    I think Luge jokes are kinda slick.....
    
    Heeeeeee Heee... snort snort....!!
    
    

    Why is it in skiing, the main event is called "downhill"
    
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't all skiing in a "downhill"
    direction. OR is there and "uphill" event too...! 8-]...
    
    

    
    Do you come up with these all by yourself???

    Hey, what can I say, I'm losing my mind....!
    
    

    re -.1
    then don't you mean it *goes* with age?
    
    p_who_thinks_he's_losing_his_already_but_can't_think_clearly_about_it

    
    
    re .a few
    
     You guys are a regular riot!

    RE: regular riot!
    
    Is that as apposed to an irregular riot...?
    
    
    
    An irregular riot is one that has backed up...!
    
    

Don't wait for old age - start acting eccentrically now!

That way, if and when you go senile, no one will notice,
INCLUDING YOURSELF!

8^{)

Brian

Not sure where to put this, but here will do for the time being.

A dear friend of my husband's is having his 40th birthday on Saturday. Greg 
decided to buy him a 1954 bottle of port (ie his birth year - and incidently, 
Greg's birth year)
He rang one wine distributer, and spoke to someone who may be just a little 
bit younger than himself. Greg asked if they had anything vintage 1954. They 
had only one port, and the comment "we don't have much from the war years".

snicker snicker

Chele

    That was the Korean War.  It was a war year, I was in college at the
    time and many of my friends served.  Please don't snicker.
    
    Daryl

    Seen on a T-shirt
    
    When the world was "Young and restless" and we were worried about 
    "The days of our lives", God said you are "All my children"; Let me
    be your "Guiding light", and I will take you to "Another world".

re <<< Note 18.213 by SIERAS::MCCLUSKY >>>

>    That was the Korean War.  It was a war year, I was in college at the
>    time and many of my friends served.  Please don't snicker.
    
>    Daryl

Sorry Daryl, I meant no offense. The person who thought of '54 as a war year 
was reffering (I think) to WW2 (Australia was only marginally involved in 
Korea). My husbands FATHER was too young to serve in WW2

If you want to get right down to it, EVERY year is a war year - somewhere.

Chele

>          <<< Note 18.214 by N2DEEP::SHALLOW "Deeper than my name" >>>
>                             -< For the Soap-ers >-

>    Seen on a T-shirt
    
>    When the world was "Young and restless" and we were worried about 
>    "The days of our lives", God said you are "All my children"; Let me
>    be your "Guiding light", and I will take you to "Another world".

    FYI:  These words come from a song by Carman called, appropriately,
    "Soap!"  There is actually even more to it than what is listed here and
    it is quite funny.

    Ron

    My kids and I were having a conversation in the car last night on the
    way home from the grocery store.  My seven year old asked what
    "private" meant.  "Is this grocery store private?", he asked.  "No," I
    replied, "it's public."  We determined thru further conversation that
    public meant anyone may come in, and private meant you had to enter by
    invitation only - such as private home, public store, private car,
    public bus.
    
    Then my little cherub said, "Oh, so heaven is private."
    
    (to which I uttered under my breath, yeah and hell is public)
    
    -sandy
    

At the seminary I attend, this was on the back of the weekly newsletter they
publish:


	Licensure Examination (Time Limit: Three Hours)

General Religious Knowledge:  Describe in detail.  Be objective and specific.

Church History:  Describe the history of the papacy from its origin to the 
	present day, concentrating specifically but not exclusively on its
	religious, social, political, economic and philosophical impact on
	Europe, Asia, the Americas, and Africa in that order.  Be brief, 
	concise and specific.

Hymnody:  Write a hymn about anti-matter.  Orchestrate it to be played with
	flute, zither, and drum and to be sung by the Blackwood Brothers.

Epistemology:  Take a position for or against truth.  Prove the validity of 
	your position.

Philosophy:  Sketch the development of human thought.  Estimate its significance
	Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Psychology:  Based on yhour knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional 
	stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of the 
	following men:  Hammurabi, Ramses II, Didymus the Blind, and Gregory
	of Nicaea.  Support you evaluations with quotations from each man's 
	work.  It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology:  Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of 
	the world.  Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Political Science:  You have started World War III.  Explain how you would stop
	it and report at length on the socio-political effects, if any of the
	ensuing peace.

Physics:  Explain the nature of matter and anti-matter.  Prove the existance of
	both.  Be brief.  Do this before you write your hymn.

Biology:  Create life.  Estimate the differences this form of life might have 
	made in subsequent human culture if developed one billion years earlier,
	specifically the effect it would have had upon the English parliamen-
	tary system.

Economics:  Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the international debt.  
	Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism,
	the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.  Outline a method
	for preventing these effects.  Criticize this method from all possible 
	points of view.  Point out the deficiencis in your criticism and the 
	deficiencies in your analysis of the deficiencies in your criticism.  Be
	brief.

Management Science:  Define management.  Define science.  How do they relate?
	Why?  Create a general algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions.
	Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate
	your algorithm, desight the communications interface and all necessary
	control programs.

Public Speaking:  What language would you use (apart from Latin and Greek) and
	what would you say to calm 2500 riot-crazed aborigines storming the
	test area?  Justify your answer in each of the three question areas.

Extra Credit:  Define the univers.  Give three examples.


RLR -- 12/88

-.1

Do I need a Number 2 Pencil?

    Did you hear Picabo Street's hometown hospital is naming part of it
    after her?
    
    Picabo ICU

    Ya, and they're naming a roadway after her...

    

    it's called   Street Street
    
    8>O

Over the weekend I heard this story.

A young man, with hair down to his waist, was standing outside a church, weeping
bitterly. The Lord saw Him, and was moved, and appeared before him. 
The Lord asked, "Why are you weeping my friend?
The young man replied, "Why, they won't let me into the church!"
To which the Lord replied, "I'm not surprised, I've been trying to get into that
church for 15 years!"

13... reminds me of the Gary Larsen cartoon os a picture of the family 
before television was invented.  There they all are, sitting in an arc, 
staring fixedly into the empty corner of the room...

							Andrew

    The "our progeny, His children" note jogged my my memory for this
    one....
    
      My #3 son was verbal before he toilet trained, and went through
    a stage when he blamed everything that went wrong on his sister.
    
      The ultimate stretch of this happened when he awoke one morning
    and announced:
    
    
           "MOM, RACHEL PEED IN MY DIAPER!" 

    .225
    
    :-) :-)

re:225

HA HA HA!!!!

Thank you, I needed a good laugh.

:-)

                            "NO-EXCUSE" SUNDAY
    
    To make it possible for everyone to attend church next week, we are
    planning a special "No-Excuse" Sunday.
    
    *Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say, "Sunday is my
    only day to sleep in."
    *Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from
    watching TV too late on Saturday night.
    *We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in
    if they show up for church services.
    *Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is
    too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say the church is too cold.
    *We will have hearing aides for the parishioners who say, "The pastor
    doesn't talk loud enough." There will be cotton for those who say, The
    music is too loud."
    *Score cards will be available for those who wish to count the
    hypocrites.
    *We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like to
    go visiting on Sunday.
    *There will be TV dinners available for those who claim they cannot go
    to church and cook dinner, too.
    *One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who
    see God in nature, especially on the golf course, or river banks for
    fishermen.    
    *The santuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and
    Easter lilies to create the familiar environment for those who have
    never seen the church without them
    
    See you in church!
    
    Author unknown

    Re: Note 18.228 by ROMEOS::SHALLOW_RO
    
>   *Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is
>   too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say the church is too cold.
                                                                       ^ 
                                                                       ^ 
                                                                       ^ Hot?

re <<< Note 18.229 by AUSSIE::CAMERON "and God sent him FORTH (Gen 3:23)" >>>

>>   *Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is
>>   too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say the church is too cold.
                                                                       ^ 
                                                                       ^ 
>                                                                       ^ Hot?

Sure, they'll get warm fanning the people who say it's too hot.

Chele

Sorry, typo...

At least I wasn't "lukewarm" 8^)

Bob

Subj:	Religion according to K&R - rec.humor.funny #1472

In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] writes:
[The following may be offensive to Mormons who are not C++ advocates and
 C++ advocates who are not Mormons,  and completely unfunny to anyone
 who doesn't have opinions about either.]

We used to call Kernighan and Ritchie's "The C programming language"
simply "The Bible."

When the second edition came out, we changed to calling the first
edition "The Old Testament" and the second edition "The New Testament."

Using that anology,  it becomes easy to see that Bjarne Stroustrup's
C++ book is none other than "The Book of Mormon."

--
Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner.  MAIL your joke to
[email protected].
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
If you don't need an auto-reply, submit to [email protected] instead.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?



Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

            Michael Howard, the then British Minister for Water and 
         Planning told this story at the annual lunch given by Euram, a 
         head-hunting company, a couple of years ago.
         
            A new British Ambassador to the US was asked by the Washington 
         Post what he wanted for Christmas and the New Year. "In no way can 
         I accept a gift from the Washington Post," he insisted. A few 
         hours later his secretary told him the paper was on the telephone 
         again. "Well I suppose a small box of crystallised fruits would be 
         just about acceptable," he said.
         
            The next day he read in the Washington Post: "The Soviet 
         Ambassador wants further progress on general disarmament for 
         Christmas and the New Year. The French Ambassador wants peace in 
         the Middle East. The British Ambassador wants a small box of 
         crystallised fruits."

 Palindromic snarf?


 (funny story btw ;-)

� <<< Note 492.62 by TOKNOW::METCALFE "Eschew Obfuscatory Monikers" >>>
� (1-0; God wins).

Mark, I don't know if you see the Far Side cartoons, but there was one with
two contestants in a quiz show?  One has a mega-long white beard and looks
around 1,000; the other is your standard clean-shaven bright guy. 

The comp�re is just saying :
  "OK, that makes it 7566 to God, and Arthur, 
       our reigning champion has yet to score"

[ This is an approximation - I might have got the number wrong. ]

I don't like jokes targetting the Bible on principle, but to my mind, Gary
Larson keeps the right side of respect for God, in expression, whatever his 
personal stance is (I don't know much there).  The above isn't just a 
straight value comparison; it's saying the very idea of a contest between 
a person and God is so ludicruous that it isn't a spectator sport.  Whoever
watched through 7566 (or whatever) questions, just in case Arthur pops one 
in - let alone have any thought of winning!!! ;-)

GL also does some on evolution, which show 'significant stages', like 
water-bound types daring an excursion onto land.  After all, in one they 
*had* to - to get their baseball back!!!  Just puts the whole conjecture in
the ludicruous perspective it deserves, to my mind. 

								Andrew

    I saw a good one on a T-shirt in a catalog the other day,
    it read:
    
    God is dead.
            Nietszche
    
    Nietszche is dead.
            God
    
    And in the description of the shirt it says something like:
    Looks like God had the last word in this debate since we
    haven't heard from Nietszche in years!
    
    
    
    

    Nietszche was the son of a minister too.  One thing he did have right
    was that the 20th century would be the bloodiest of them all.  He spent
    his last 10 years in an insane asylum after contracting an STD.

    Hi Andrew,
    
    Larson is a pretty wild cartoonist, and much of his "Far Side" is
    really great.  In his book, "The Prehistory of the Far Side", he
    describes what was behind the particular comic you mention. 
    Originally, he was going to have the returning champ have 10 points or
    so, but then he thought - that couldn't happen....
    
    He has done a couple of 'religious' comics (like the one with Moses as
    a kid drinking a glass of milk, raising his hands to part it down the
    middle...), and while some are sort of harmless, others leave lots to
    be desired.  Judging from his own description of himself (in
    "Prehistory"), I'd say he's not a believer; doesn't mean any harm, but
    perhaps unknowingly gets used from time to time to demean the L-rd,
    unfortunately.  That said, at least he thinks about G-d and perhaps his
    curiosty will one day lead him to the Truth.
    
    His (non-religious) perspective on life is, if nothing else, incredibly
    interesting (*and*, he draws fantastic cows ;-).
    
    Steve

Steve, 

I have the 'prehistory' one too - from a way back.  Had forgotten a lot of
what's in it, except that I was left with an impression that his childhood
must have been very sad, from the brief impressions and snapshots he gives 
of it.  I don't recall either of the two you mention being in there, so 
either it was amended for the UK market, or there's a version 2.

I would never have thought him a Christian from his cartoons - I was just
reminded that a few struck a positive chord.  I've seen the 'Moses' one
elsewhere, and am not so keen on that sort of humour, or a few others in
the same vein I recall now you remind me... 

I do recall a comment in the prehistory he made about feeling guilty at 
putting dinosaurs and people in the same cartoon - presumably deluded by 
the evolution deceit.

								Andrew

My favourite Farside cartoon is the one with 
  "Welcome to Heaven, here's your harp"
and the opposing
  "Welcome to Hell, here's your piano accordian"

Needless to say, I'm not very keen on the old squeezebox!



Chele

.241

I have that one enlarged and colored outside my office.

I once posted it on the Associate Pastor's door.  Can you guess which
instrument he played?  ;-)

    The Churches in this area (and probably others) have been concentrating
    on going out to the non-Christians to spread God's message rather than
    waiting for them to come to Church. 
    A visiting minister on Sunday gave an example of some of the pitfalls.
    He'd been on a Christian convention at a hotel and wanted to use the
    pay phone, which was situated in the bar. He overheard one of the
    regulars saying how weird it was to have the hotel full of "those
    weird Christians" and joined in the conversation "Like me, you mean?"
    He stayed to chat for a while and, wanting to integrate, he ordered a
    drink from the barman. Unfortunately, he confused "White Diamond", a
    low alcohol lager, with "Diamond White" a pretty potent cider with
    about 8-10% alcohol content. As he put it, "Drunk by people who want to
    get drunk!"
    Normally a teetollar, he ended up integrating a little more than he'd 
    anticipated!                                 

I seem to recall a story about a fisherman who is swept off some rocks by a 
huge wave. His faith in G_d is strong, so he does not fear to drown, or to 
be dashed against the rocks.

A man sees him in the water, and throws him out a life-buoy, attached to a 
strong rope. The fisherman ignores it, saying, "I don't need that. G_d will 
save me." The man stays and watches.

A little later, a rescue boat comes by, but he ignores that too, again saying 
"I don't need that. G_d will save me." The boat moves off a bit, and waits, 
the would-be rescuers watching.
Very soon, a helipcopter and rescue team arrives, but once more the fisherman 
ignores it, saying "I don't need that. G_d will save me." The helicopter moves 
away, but not so far that the rescue team cannot watch.

The man drowns.


In Heaven, he asks the L_rd, "Why didn't you save me?"
The L_rd says, 
"I sent the man with the life-buoy, the boat, and the helicopter!"




Chele

-1  Austrailian variation on a theme.  :-)

re <<< Note 18.245 by TOKNOW::METCALFE "Eschew Obfuscatory Monikers" >>>

>Austrailian variation on a theme.  :-)

Australian - Oz_trail_ee_en (holding your nose may help when you say it aloud)


Chele

    I watched a Red Skelton special on PBS last night .  He told as joke I
    had heard before, but I like it, so I'll share it here.
    
    A certain man was caught in a flood.  The water was up to his waist.  A
    row boat came by to offer assistance.  "No thanks", the man replied,
    "God will help me".  
    
    The water continued to rise until it was up to the man's chest.  Another
    row boat came by to rescue the man.  "No thanks the Lord will take care
    of me", the man answered.
    
    The water continued to rise.  The man was on his roof and the water was
    up to his neck.  A helicopter came by to save the man.  Again, the man
    replied, "No thanks the Lord will help me".
    
    Well, the man drowned.  When he got to heaven he asked the Lord, "Why
    didn't you help me?".  The Lord replied, "I sent two row boats and a
    helicopter, what did you want?"   :^)
    
    Bing

Sorry, Chele.  It was a case of fumble fingers.  Happy trals.  ;-)

.247

Chele, that's the way I heard the joke, which is why I pointed out the
Australian variation.  :-)

    Re: 247,244  Oh well, I knew I had heard it SOME place.
    
    Bing :^)

� My favourite Farside cartoon is the one with 

The one I have up (a little obscured by other pictures) is that of a 
tail-coated aged slumped over the piano, while hushed characters at the 
door whisper "Shhhhh!... the Maestro is decomposing!"

								&

    I debated on which topic to put this in.  Moderators feel free to move
    this as appropriate.
    
    Last week, the topic of a particular late night radio call-in show
    centered around the politics of the 1996 Olympics which will be hosted
    here in Atlanta.  When the subject took a, not uncommon, turn toward
    the subject of tolerance.  To this, one irate liberal caller (politically 
    and theologically) phoned in:
    
    "If Jesus Christ knew the kind of gospel you people were preaching he'd
    roll over in his grave."
    
    The radio host concurred.
    

    ...maybe if we had a "Pathetic" topic, that would be more
    appropriate...
    
    that is tragic....

�                      <<< Note 18.252 by MIMS::CASON_K >>> 

Unbelievable!  Now as a theoretical, 'humor' is right on (ignoring the
lapsed 'u';-), but as something that actually happened, it's, like Steve
said...  The sort of ignorance that couldn't come from a child, because
you'd have to have actually *forgotten* what you were ever about to make
such a crass howler.

								Andrew

    Uh, well, it was painfully funny... and yet so poignant as it speaks
    loudly the days in which live.
    
    

    Yup, pathetic does come to mind.  So does tragic and sad.

    "Matthew, please get Mom the cookie sheet on the bottom shelf."
    
    "MOM, are you making cookies???????!!!!!"
    
    Kerplunk, crash, metal clanging 
    
    "Matthew, put things back in *where* they belong."
    
    "Mom, everthing is just exactly where it is."

    
    Hi heard a Pentacostal person say that he calls himself a ..
    
    
    
                         R E P E N T A C O S T A L !
    

    I don't get it

    A man who is a big baseball fan was curious as to whether or not
    baseball was played in heaven. One night an angel appeared to him .
    He asked the angel, is baseball played in heaven? The angel responded
    "well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is YES
    baseball is played in heaven, the bad news is your pitching tomorrow.

    re .262  Thank you.  I am a BIG Baseball fan and I will laugh for many
    hours on that one.  Thanks.
    

    .263
    
    Somehow, Daryl, I can see you in this picture... not tomorrow of
    course, but someday. :-)
    
    Your Sis,
    Nancy

Baseball must be played in heaven...the Bible starts out talking about it!

In the BIG inning... :^)

Ben

    That was BAAAAD!!!!!
    
    Anyway, how do you know it was baseball? Could have been cricket.

    Re .1 I had heard that one before.  It reminds me of the wise men driving 
    Honda automobiles...
    
    
    They came all in one ACCORD.
    
    8^)

Disciples, Bing.  The disciples were all in one accord.   A big one, too, to
fit 120 of them!

The Wise Men were Dodge people: they drove in a Caravan.

    yeah yeah - and Moses bought his clothes at a Jordan Marsh....

    But...the first car mentioned in the Bible was
    
    
    
    
    
    (don't remember how to do a form feed)
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Adam and Eve were thrown out of the garden in a FURY!

    DRIVEN out of the garden, I think you mean.
    
    
    These are definately getting worse. 

    Oh yeah...that would make more sense wouldn' it!

OK, OK, enough!! I'm sorry I ever mentioned the BIG inning. Pleeeeeeease, no
more! #^0

Ben

    Hold down Ctrl & "L" to do a form feed.
    
    Bing

    Thanks Bing!
    
    
    Pam

    3 men die and go to Heaven. Upon arriving they meet Jesus. Jesus asks
    the first man how often he has cheated on his wife. The man replies
    that he never cheated on his wife. So the Lord hands him the keys to a
    white Rolls Royce. Again he asks the second man how many times HE has
    cheated on his wife. This man replies that he has cheated on his wife
    20 times. So Jesus hands him the keys to a Pinto. Again he asks the 3rd
    man the same question. This man replies that he has cheated on his wife
    50 times, so Jesus hands him a bicycle.
    
    
    Up in Heaven the man on the bike and the man in the Pinto meet-up with
    the man in the Rolls at a stoplight. They noticed that he was very
    upset and depressed. So they said to him "Why are you so upset,you got
    the Rolls Royce"? He said "I know but I passed my wife on the way over
    here and she was on a    SCATEBOARD.

    Perhaps you meant..."skateboard".

    I stand corrected.Sorry if it was in bad taste,I thought it was cute.
   Let me try another one okay? Im French so I can say this one.
     
     3 men are sitting at a table. One of the men says to the other 2,"You
    know, the snakes are so big in Texas they swallow cattle whole." The
    other 2 were amazed. The 2nd man says"well,the goats in Montana are so
    big that they will give milk to a family of 10 for a year. The other 2
    were impressed. Finally, the 3rd men said in N.H. we dont have snakes
    and goats that big, BUT the frogs are so big that they "hang"
    sheetrock.
                                   Sylvain

 :-) :-) :-)



 Jim who has about 6-7 sheetrock hanging frogs in his church..

         lost on us this side of the pond!
         
         P

>         lost on us this side of the pond!

Two bits of necessary context:

"Frogs" is derogatory for frenchmen.  You may have known this.

But even most New Englanders don't know the other piece of information
necessary to understand this joke.  I only know because we built our own
house.  For some unknown reason, the majority of sheetrock hangars in New
England are french canadians.

Paul

    OK, it's getting to the level I can put in my daughters favorite
    joke/pun
    
    There was a Frog (not a frenchmen, just a frog) that needed to borrow
    some money to improve his house.  He went to the bank, and met with the
    loan officer "Patty Black".
    
    She asked the frog what he had for collateral, all the frog had was a
    small ceramic statue.  Patty decided she needed to ask the manager,
    after reviewing the ceramic statue he stated:
    
    It's a nick nack Patty Black, give the frog a loan.
    
    The moaning can start now.
    
    Sparky

�    The moaning can start now.

	- it's already afternoan hair in UK

			... or did you mean mourning?

								&

 Sheetrock/wallboard/plasterboard digression dispatched to the chit chat
 department.



 Jim Co mod

    Did you here the joke about the sidewalk?????
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Thats funny-----it's all over town.
    
                  Sylvain

 Was listening to a tape of a message preached at the Revival at our
 church a couple months ago..the preacher, a former Texas oil field worker,
 told a story about a couple of oil field workers arguing about religion 
 One says "I can recite the Lord's prayer"  The other one says "you can not"
 Number 1 says "I'll be you $10 I can"..the other one says "You're on"..and
 #1 says "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I
 die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take..there, I did it".

 #2 says, "By golly you did it...I didn't think you could" ;-)





Jim

    After church, a little boy walked up to the preacher and said:
    
    	"Rev. Smith, that was the *worst* sermon I ever heard!"
    
    At dinner time, the pastor was feeling a little depressed about it.
    His wife consoled him:
    
    	"Don't take it to heart, dear, the lil' tyke was probably just
        repeating what his parents said..."
    
    Don/

Great one Jim ...  Hey, Don, that hits home.  Hard.  Good to see you around 
still.  And still checking out the trails ;-)

								&

    I'm still around... don't know how much longer, our group is on the
    auction block.  Quantum is looking to purchase portions of Storage,
    my group, thin film heads, is one of the portions. Exciting times
    ahead, eh?  
    
    Here's another one:
    
    A little boy was on vacation with his family and since there was no
    nearby church of their denomination, they visited one which was a bit
    more liturgical than what they were used to...
    
    On the way out, the little boy shook hands with the pastor and said:
    
    Boy: "My dad says that the people in this church will get to see Jesus
          before any of us!"
    
    Pastor: "Oh, really? Why is that, do you suppose?"
    
    Boy: "Because it says right in the Bible, 'The dead in Christ will rise
         first!'"
    
    Keep grinnin' !
    
    Don/  

Two fellas were at a movie about a western.  The one fella turns to his buddy
and says, "I'll bet you $10 that when the guy in movie rides over that hill,
he'll fall off his horse."

"You're on," replied the other.

Sure enough, the cowboy rode over the hill and fell off the horse.

When the friend was going to settle his wager, the first fella felt convicted
and admitted, "I have to tell you the truth: I saw this movie before."

The other fella replied, "Well, I saw it too, but I didn't think the cowboy
would be stupid enough to fall off twice!"

    What two words have hundreds of letters in them?

    Which too?

    Post Office 
    
    HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    

  They oughta stamp out jokes like that..

    That kind of humor really pushes the envelope...

    Deliver us from such humor...

    You can weather it I'm sure!

    We could push for a snarf 

    But I wouldn't take the take the chance of a dog bite!

    First she really plumbs the depths with her particular brand of
    "humour", then she inspires probably the worst collection of puns I've
    seen in a long time. Now she's sneaked in a snarf. 
    
    Nancy Morales - have you NO shame?! :-)

 here's a post snarf note ;-)

    re: .301
    
    I guess Nancy isn't going to address your comments...

Zip it, will you?  Let's seal this and return to sender.

    I don't know that I was altogether serious!

    Julie,
    
    The bulk of the matter is to be addressed.
    
    
    

>    I don't know that I was altogether serious!

If you took .305 seriously, you shouldn't have.  In the States we have a
Zip code.

MM

    We call it a post-code, but I got the joke.

    I had uh post code once, it snubbed up my node.

    <groan!>

    OK folks,
    
    What happens when you play a country song backwards?

    I know I know !!!!!
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
	You get everything you lost back , ie. your dog, your wife, your
    truck !!!!!

    Why wouldn't the skeleton go see the scarey movie?

    Give that man a stuffed bunny!!!  You are correct.
    

    Because he didnt have the nerve?????
    
    Sylvain

    Nope
    
    Because he didn't have the GUTS!!!  

    I bet I can prove you're not there!

    
    Becareful the Post Master General may put you on KP duty.
    
    Just like some mail - better late than never.
    

    This one's an "adaptable" story that can be used to get a laugh from a
    lot of different people in different circumstances.  Just change the
    person who goes into the curio shop and the punchline to suit your own
    purposes...
    
    
    
    Rush Limbaugh (Well known ultra-conservative) was strolling through
    Chinatown when he came upon a Chinese Curio shop.  Upon entering, he
    saw a display of several dozen golden statues of people representing
    different lifestyles, occupations, etc.
    
    Right in the middle of the display, striking in it's contrast, was a
    golden statue of a RAT.  He asked the proprietor about it:
    
          Rush: "How much for the rat?"
    
    Proprietor: "Ah! Golden Rat, five hundred dollar.  Verrrry intersting
    		story *about* Golden Rat, additional five hundred dollar."
    
          Rush: "I've never seen anything like it! It's very unusual. I'll
                take it."
    
    Proprietor: "Thousand dollar?"
    
          Rush: "Well... No thanks, I'll just take the rat."
    
    Proprietor: "Hmmm... Verrry interesting story about Golden Rat is
                *worth* five hundred dollar..."
    
          Rush: "Uh, well, I'm sure it is, but I guess I'll make up my own
                stories.  I'll just take the rat."
    
    So the proprietor wraps up the rat and Rush continues his stroll down
    through Chinatown.  A minute or so later he hears a scrabbling noise
    behind him:
    
    		Scritch-Scratch-Scritch-Scratch-Scritch-Scratch
    
    He turns to look, and there's a RAT following him.  He stops.  The rat
    stops.  He walks toward the rat, the rat backs away.  "Hmm..", he
    thinks, "This is weird!" But, it's only a rat, so he keeps going.
    
    Then, he hears a louder scrabbling noise! He turns to look behind him
    and there's about a dozen rats following him.  He starts to get a
    little nervous and walks faster. Soon, he hears chittering, and
    scratching noises and there are *thousands* of rats behind him, and
    they're *gaining* on him.
    
    He begins to RUN! Now there are rats boiling up out of storm drains,
    jumping out of windows, crawling over themselves trying to get to him!
    
    He runs as fast as he can toward the waterfront, out to the end of a
    dock and HEAVES the statue out into the bay!  About a million rats
    stampede past him and dive into the water after the statue where they all
    drown.
    
    Well!  Rush marches straight back to the Curio Shop! The proprietor
    smiles knowingly at him and says:
    
    	"Ah! You have returned to purchase verrrry interesting story, about
        Golden Rat, eh?!"
    
    Rush responds: "Well actually I was curious... " (he picks up another
    	statue) "Is this a Golden Feminist?!"
    
    Don/
                     

What is green and skates?

  Peggy Phlegm

What is green and sings?
  
  Frank Snotra

What is green and makes house calls?

  Mucus Welby

What is green and makes holes?

  A drill pickle

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

  Ba-na-na-na

You heard about the bird disease that is affecting house birds?
It's called chirpes; it's a canarial disease.
But you shouldn't worry, because it's tweetable.

(I'll spare you the brown jokes I have.)

    Please tell us some of the brown jokes,I like the green ones.

    re .320 and .322  Mark, when will you post the jokes?

>    re .320 and .322  Mark, when will you post the jokes?

Humor is as humor does.
Okay, so there not much in the way of jokes.  Or maybe they are.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but the light buld has to really want to be changed.

How many Santa Clara Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven.  One to experience the changing process and the other six to 
reflect on the change.

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb.
None. Real men do change light bulbs.

What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
A skunk with diaper rash.

    one last shot as the final time I log in.
    
    How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    
    
    
    	None, they change the standard to Dark
    
    Sparky

    On the light bulb theme.....
    
    I hope this doesn't offend anyone, it is not meant to ;)
    
    How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    
    None, Its a hardware problem.
    
    Sorry......
    
    Stu.
    

    My favorite lightbulb joke:
    
    How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
    
    Just one, but it takes about a hundred lightbulbs.

    Rain, snow, sleet or shine.... these postal jokes chill my spine...
    
    
    Heeee... Heeee!
    
    I'm baaaack..!
    
    Bob
    

Used to be told in other groups about VMS engineers, but now that I am one,
you can fill in your favorite perceived-to-be-arrogant group:

How many [...] does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.  They hold the lightbulb and let the rest of the world revolve
around them.

Paul

P.S.  I really laughed at the gorilla one.

    There was this rope who entered a church... The minister, upon seeing
    the rope said... we can not except ropes here... the rope walks
    outside, ties itself into a knot and fuzzes up the end... He then
    walked back into the church where the minister asked "are you a rope"

    To which was replied... NOPE.. I'm afraid not
    

    I'm a frayed knot, get it..... Heeeeee...!

    geeeroan! :-)

    Hey good joke: I liked it.
    

    What was the man called after shooting the CEO of Kellogg...
    

    a cereal killer.....

    What do you call the device that puts the graphics on the corn flake
    box...
    

    A cereal printer....

    What do you call it when Tony the tiger and Trix rabbit have a fight
    

    a cereal box....
    
    What do you get when you place Wheaties into a blender
    

    Shreaded wheat....
    
    

    What do ya call an alligator that's gone to law school
    
    
    A liti-gator

Bob,

    Can I send that one to my son who's studying law, please?


rats ...... I sent it, 
			but it still seems to be here :-{


								&

    The missionary was lost in the jungle and was captured by the local
    savages.
    
    He was worried since he had heard about a group of cannibals in the
    area. He made discrete enquiries about the eating habits of his captors
    and was reassured with "We eat beans man, only beans"
    
    Back at the camp, a huge pot was put on the boil and the missionary was
    thrown into the soup. He looked around desperately for any kind of
    vegetable in the broth and not finding any blurted out..."but I thought
    you said that you only eat only beans, what kind of beans?"
    








    Human beans man, human beans.

Heard this morning on the radio:

An artist bought a greyhound dog and decided to make a living masterpiece of 
social commentry. So on the side of the dog he painted



a bus

    Pretty good Chele:
    Heres one.
    
    Have you heard the joke about the sidewalk?????
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Thats funny---- it's all over town!!!!!

There are no sidewalks in Australia (except for crabs and politicians)



We have footpaths

� There are no sidewalks in Australia (except for crabs and politicians)
Ditto UK.  Except that the politicians are liable to opt for a third 
alternative direction ...

					We have pavements.

    Speaking of politicians, I heard an interview with a Liberal Democrat
    the other week (can't remember who it was). 
    He informed the interviewer (and the nation) that he'd never got
    married because didn't think he was adequately equipped for it.
                                                              

My!  Wisdom from a politician!  Now if only their parents had been endowed 
with such perspicacity, we would rid the nation of a scourge, and have no 
politicians!

Sidewalks, footpaths, pavements whatever - places of pedestrians to 
walk alongside, but not in the road - are the exception in New Hampshire.
We have cars. :-(

Leslie

    'Scuze me Leslie -- that's cahs.
    
    

Oh, yes, pahden me :-)

         A certain building site worker, rather gruff in nature and not one 
         to particularly enjoy others' company, was observed by his fellow 
         workers at lunch time in the the works canteen as he sat alone, 
         delving into his rucksack for his lunch.
         
         As he opened the pack, he was heard to mutter "Ugh, Peanut Butter 
         sandwiches again!", and then proceeded to scoff the lot, much to 
         the amazement of his colleagues.
         
         The next day, when lunch time came around, he unwrapped his 
         carefully packed lunch and exclaimed "Ugh, not Peanut Butter 
         sandwiches again!", and then proceeded to scoff the lot.
         
         The third day at lunch time, as he unwrapped the neatly packed 
         bundle, he exclaimed in a loud voice "Ugh, not Peanut Butter 
         sandwiches again! I HATE PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES!" and before he 
         could take a bite, one of his colleagues plucked up all the 
         courage he could muster, and asked him "If you hate Peanut Butter 
         sandwiches so much, why don't you get your wife to make some 
         different sandwiches then?" to which came the reply:

         
         
         
         
         
         
                           "I MAKES ME *OWN* SANDWICHES!"
         

    I know a variation on that one Paul - excellent British humour
    
    Ben

�    I know a variation on that one Paul - excellent British humour

Me too.  I like the one with Marmite as well.  Marmite and Peanut Butter
have opposing factions (with some overlap) in my house.  Which joke you
tell depends on who you want to stir up...  ;-)   I like them both.  

If I'm really feeling mean, I could tell the joke with BOTH of them in the 
sandwich....  Evoking disgust at Marmite / Peanut Butter on the Peanut 
Butter / Marmite knife ... ;-)

At least, when they're home...

Paul, you want to tell the marmite joke?  Same as the peanut butter joke,
but you put Marmite in it instead of peanut butter. 


									& 

    Question: What did one Christian say to the other Christian as they
    		were being fed to the lions?
    
    
    Answer:   He put is arm around his shoulder and exclaimed
              enthusiastically:
              
    
    
                 "Cheer up, Brother! We'll be dead soon!"
    
    
    Don/

    KNOCK KNOCK
    
    

    WhoZair?

    
    
    		O. J.
    
    
    

    OJ Who?
    

    Congratulations, you have just won a seat on the LA jury.
    
    
    

    Sorry Sandy... :-)  I was just teasing' you.. I'll go back delete the
    title for new onlookers to really roar at your note!
    
    Nancy

    I just found out I have an aunt who's a healer....
    

    Her name is Auntie histamine
    
    See what happens when there's no chatting.... ha... ha... see!
    I've had a rather boring day today. There haven't been any reported
    troubles. I've been out walking, toured the building, read notes.
    
    Bye

    Good one  :-)
    
    

    While in Chicago once, I met this talk show host..
    
    
    
    Her name was Okra Wine fry
    
    Unfortunately, she had been in an accident and is now a vegitable..
    
    

	A few weeks ago, our pastor told this story:

	Pastors get a lot of letters, some signed, and some anonymous.
	The anonymous letters are usually complaints about a particular
	service.  I know a pastor who got up to preach one day, and found
	a piece of paper that simply said, "Fool" across it.

	The pastor looked at the note, then began to speak.  He said,
	"You know, I've received a lot of letters with no name, but
	I have to say, this is the first time I've gotten a name with
	no letter!

    How do ya drive a baby-buggy.....?
    
    
    Tickle its' feet!

    Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!

    Booooooooooooooooooooooooo who....
    
    
    Sorry I made you cry....
    
    
    
    That of course is the tail end of a knock knock joke.

    Sniff.
    
    
    
    Whats lemonade?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Its when you help a elderly lemon accross the street.

    I thought it was a musical concert to help citrus growers....
    
    

    Ha ha.  Boy, you've got your wits about you today, old timer. (smiley)
    
    
    dh

  Thats when you ask the Lord in the morning :

  Please Lord help my car to start

  Hank

    One day a man broke down in the middle of nowhere. He walked for a
    couple of miles before he found an old monastry. An old monk answered
    the door and the man asked if he could borrow a phone
    "Sorry" said the monk "we don't have a phone and the nearest village is
    10 miles away"
    "Do you have a car I could borrow, or some means of transport then?"
    enquired the man
    "We have no man-made transport here" said the monk "although we do have
    a charismatic donkey that you could borrow to get you to the next
    town". 
    The man accepted the offer and the donkey was brought to him
    "Now i must tell you" said the monk "that this is a charismatic donkey
    and he will only go forward if you say 'Praise the Lord' and will only
    stop if you say 'Amen'"
    So the man got on the donkey, said "Praise the Lord" and the donkey
    started to walk on. After a few miles the man noticed that the donkey
    was heading for the edge of a cliff
    "STOP!" he said to the donkey but the donkey took no notice. The man
    remembered that he had to say a special word to stop the donkey but
    couldn't remember what it was. He tried various words and phrases like
    "Glory" or "Hallelujah" but the donkey still wouldn't stop. eventually,
    just as the donkey got to the very edge of the cliff the man remembered
    the word
    "AMEN" he shouted just at the last minute and the donkey stopped
    "Phew" said the man "Praise the Lord"......................
    
     

         Ben that's a great one, even though I heard it some years back, it 
         was good to be reminded of it again.
         
         Another one to print off and add to my (growing) collection! :-)
         
         Paul

    I think you mean (growning) collection....
    
    
    -s
    

         come now, Sandy. (Shhh, because Ben's listening and he's still 
         smarting about being left out of the 14. snarf race earlier) I 
         know it was bad, but it wasn't *that* bad ;-)
         
         P

    	A newly-ordained Roman Catholic priest was sharing a seat on
    	a bus with a very old rabbi.  There was tense silence between
    	them.  The rabbi decided to break the silence and start up a
    	friendly conversation.
    
    	R: "So I see you are a priest."
    
    	P: "Yup.  Just got ordained last month in fact!"
    
    	R: "Great!  So what kind of career path do you see for yourself?"
    
    	P: "Oh, maybe some day I'll be a pastor of a parish..."
    
    	R: "That sounds interesting.  What after that?"
    
    	P: "Well, I guess if I'm really good I might be a Bishop some day."
    
    	R: "Right.  And then what's after that?"
    
    	P: "Oh, if I'm really lucky I can become a Cardinal!"
    
    	R: "Yes, true.  And what's after that?"
    
    	P: "Well, if I'm really good and really lucky I can become
    	    Pope I guess..."
    
    	R: "Sure you can.  And what's after that?"
    
    	P: "What's after Pope!?!?  Well there's nothing after Pope!
    	    That's the highest you can go.  I mean, the only thing 
    	    after Pope would be God, and we know THAT could never happen!"
    
    
    
    	R: "But why not?  One of our boys made it!"

    I'm usually a rare read only due to time constraints , and I've only
    just discovered the "humor" file..I love it ! I hope this
    is in keeping with the nature of the conference;
    
     You can lead a horse to water but how do you make a horse drink ???
    
     Put it in a liquidizer !! ;*)
    
    Owen

    EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW  gross!
    
    Pam 8*)

  >I hope this is in keeping with the nature of the conference;
  
  Yep, that sounds like it belongs in the Christian humor note 8^)
  
  Bing

Thanks Owen.  
Now I've got something to share at the dinner table tonight.

								Maybe ;-}

							&

>Note 18.375                           Humor                           375 of 375
>ICTHUS::YUILLE "Thou God seest me"                    6 lines   1-SEP-1994 08:44
>
>Thanks Owen.  
>Now I've got something to share at the dinner table tonight.

Andrew, you must have a very large liquidiser in your home.
    

Horse-o-matic?

� Andrew, you must have a very large liquidiser in your home.

Not only a large one.  Our car has been dubbed 'The Black Horse'.  I'm not 
quite sure how this came about, except that it was by no means 
complimentary to either its performance or reliability.  Especially the 
latter.  I anticipate grinding noises...

							&

    Welcome Owen!!!!
    
    May you walk through the door to writing more. :-)
    
    That way we get to see you too!
    
    

    Seems this fellah screeches into town with a new Ferrari.  As his car
    is getting filled with gas at the local ARCO, a kid pulls up on a moped
    and immediately goes nutso about the Ferrari.  The man has to go in to 
    pay and tells the kid to look but don't touch. 
    
    As you might guess, when the man returned to the car the kid was
    sitting behind the wheel making weird racing noises and playing around.
    The man gets irate and grabs the kid by the suspenders, throws him
    out, slams the door, and screeches out of the station at full throttle.  
    As he shifts into 2nd gear, he sees this little dot in his rear view 
    mirror and it is getting bigger by the second.  All of a sudden....
    
    ZOOOOOOM!!!!! The kid on the moped flys by him doing an incredible 
    100 mph!!!!!!!!!!!  Well, as you can imagine, the man is dumbfounded.  
    Not to be beaten by a moped, he shifts into 3rd and floors it! At that 
    moment he sees a little speck in front of him, and it is getting bigger! 
    Then....

    ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The moped goes by him the other
    way at about 140 mph!!!  Mr. Ferrari can't believe it!! Some hick on a
    moped was lapping him!  As he looks into his mirror he sees the moped
    coming up behind him again.  He floors it, but the moped is just going
    to fast to get outta the way.......SMASH!!!!!!....(tinkle, tinkle)...
    the moped crashes through the rear window of the ferrari and into the
    front seat. Stunned, Mr. Ferrari looks at the kid who says
    
                   "Mister, can I get my suspenders out of your door now???" 
    

    This occurred in Church, so it may be the *only* reason I am still
    alive (with actual friends...!) but, I actually got *away* with this
    one:
                                                                           
    A lady-friend was leaving church via the center aisle and I noticed she
    was limping badly.  I asked "What's wrong?" She said: "I threw my hip
    out."
    
    Before I could shut my mouth, I heard it say: "If I had hips like those,
    I'd throw'em out, too!"
    
    She cracked up. She must be sanctified! I think we're still friends...
    
    Don/

    Don,
    
    You should be hung by your hips!!!
    
    or is that lips!!!
    
    Nancy

    I really liked that Ferrari joke--good one :-)
    
    Sylvain

Hip hip Arey!

    -1
    
    Geeeroan

    Sunday, our Pastor spoke on Unity of the body through the Spirit.  He 
    shared the following in pointing out that we all need each other and we 
    all play an equally important part in the body.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    The different parts of the body were trying to determine who the boss
    was going to be.  The brain said that it should be the boss, since it
    sent messages and impulses to the rest of the body, so the other parts 
    would know when and how to move.  The heart said that it should be the 
    boss, since it pumped life to the rest of the body.  The eyes said that 
    they should be the boss, since they brought sight to the body and so the 
    body could see where it was going.  The neck said that it should be the 
    boss.
    
    The brain, heart and eyes all replied, "The Neck!  What do you do that
    you should be the boss.  All you do is sit there."  At this the neck
    tensed up, so that every vain was sticking out.  This sent pain
    throughout the rest of the body.  Finally, after much pain, the brain,
    heart, and eyes all agreed that the neck should be the boss.
    
    The MORAL of the story:  "To be the boss, all you have to be is a
                              pain in the neck!"
    
    
    
    Love in Him,
    
    Bing

    Bing,
    
    Nice one!
    
     				:-)
    
    ps - would your pastor mind if this was printed out and shared with
    others? The sermons at our church are shared out on a rota basis
    between the pastor, elders and various others who are recognised as
    being gifted with teaching, and one in particular always starts his
    time off with an amusing story, or joke - often coined from books
    compiled by Murray Watts, such as "Rolling In The Aisles". I have a
    sneaking suspicion that your entry would appeal to his sense of humour!
    
    Paul
    

My dad would often say, "Man is the head of the home, and wife is the neck
that turns the head!"

:-)

    re .387
    
    I doubt my pastor would mind, as I doubt that he's the one who
    originally made up the joke. 8^)
    
    Bing
    
    

That is an old and common joke, but I've heard it with another, more vulgar,
body part.  The name of this particular body part is used as a name of
derision, and when this part became angry at not being able to be boss, it
closed up and wouldn't let anything out, which made the rest of the body
become sick.

The rest of the joke is identical.  I've never heard this 'clean' version
before, so your pastor may have a certain amount of authorship in that he may
have taken the original and "cleaned it up."

:-)

Paul

    Mark, something similar to that is   "Im the boss of this house and I
    have my wifes permission to say so"
    
    Sylvain
    

    When my Dad was an assistant pastor at a Church of the Nazarene
    in California, the following scenario was played out at an altar
    service. This nearly caused the pastor to have heart failure, I
    think!
    
    A woman had stayed at the altar long after the others had "prayed
    through". The pastor, my Dad and several of the saints had gathered
    around her in earnest prayer.  The woman was sobbing uncontrollably and
    not making any progress, so the pastor asked:
    
    "Perhaps, if you shared your burden with us, we may be able to help you
    pray more specifically..."
    
    She replied: "Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, sob, sob, sob... I've committed
    	*Adultery*, boo, hoo, sob, sob..."
    
    <long pause while she cried>
    
    "With the PASTOR! Boo hoo, boo hoo, sob, sob, sob..."
    
    <long pause while she sobbed some more and the Pastor started having
    apoplexy...>
    
    "In my *MIND*!"
    
    Don/

� This nearly caused the pastor to have heart failure, I think!

You need divine intervention to keep ticking through an episode like that!


								&

    I didn't know where else to put this... 
    
    On the pulpit you will find either a pink or blue carnation for the
    babies that are born to families in our church. :-)  Last Sunday
    evening, Pastor had a pink rose on the pulpit and said that although
    no-one had given birth, there was a new addition to one of our families
    [of course we all thought "adoption"].
    
    Then he announced that the family was the "Harrels", [he is our
    assistant Pastor]!  And Brother Harrell who is from Kentucky and talks
    that way too, went behind the Baptistry and came out with a HOUND DOG.
    :-) :-) :-)  She was pretty thing, but looked like the typical droopy
    eared, long nosed hound.
    
    Yesterday, I took my new ADOPTION with me to the school [which is at
    the church].  My new dog is from the pound, he's part Chihuahua and
    part wiener dog [previously thought part sumpin else].  And who came
    walking out the door??? Brother Harrell!
    
    He immediately sees Speedy G., and begins to comment on him... my quick
    wit came into action and I said, Hi Brother Harrell, meet Elvis and he
    says you ain't got nuttin' but a hound dog! 
    
    :-) :-)  

    8*)  cute!

Nancy,
  Don't be Cruel or I'll have to check into Heartbreak Hotel.

 In your blue suede shoes?

 ha ha ha

-.1  That wasn't funny!


;-)

    you were just "itching like a bear on a fuzzy tree" to get that out,
    weren't you?
    
    -s
    

 Yeah..All shook up

    The King is dead! (The Lord is NOT, eh?!)

Apologies if you have already seen this elsewhere, but felt it deserved a 
wider airing - we've just about wiped the tears from our faces now :-)

                            ------ ******** ------


 Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and 
decorating the nusery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents  to take 
to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a  mother or 
father.

 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a  
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,  take out 
10% of the beans.  Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the  local chemist, 
tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell  the pharmacist to 
help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to  have your salary paid 
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up  the paper. Read it for the 
last time.

 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are 
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack  of 
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their 
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve  their child's 
sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy 
it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will  have all the answers.

 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room  from 
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At  10pm put 
the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get  up at 12 and 
walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am.  Put the alarm on 
for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am  and make a drink. Go to 
bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the  alarm goes off. Sing songs in the 
dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for  5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this 
up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut 
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish  finger behind the 
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick  your  fingers in the flowerbeds 
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the  stains with crayons. How does 
that look?

 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an  octopus 
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag  so that none 
of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn  it 
into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece 
of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk  container, a 
ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make  an exact replica of 
the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the 
playgroup committee.

 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it  out 
in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like  that. Buy a 
chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove  compartment. Leave it there. 
Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette  player. Take a family-size packet of 
chocolate cookies. Mash them down  the back seats. Run a garden rake along 
both sides of the car. There.  Perfect.

 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out  the 
front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  Go out again. Walk  down the 
front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very  slowly down the 
road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every  cigarette end, piece of 
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect  along the way. Retrace your 
steps. Scream that you've had as much as you  can stand, until the neighbours 
come out and stare at you. Give up and  go back into the house. You are now 
just about ready to try taking a  small child for a walk.

 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you  can 
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to 
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your  week's groceries 
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat 
or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish  this do not even contemplate 
having children.

 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from  the 
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy  Weetabix and 
attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to  be an aeroplane. 
Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest  into your lap, making 
sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are  now ready to feed a 
12-month old baby.

 12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and 
Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman  Pat" at 
work, you finally qualify as a parent. -------

    >When you find yourself singing "Postman  Pat" at work, you finally qualify
    >as a parent.
    
    or, when you know all the names of Barney's backyard gang!
    
    Great stuff!  Thanks for posting.
    
    Bing

    As Moses was leading the Children of Israel out of Egypt they reached
    the Red Sea and Pharohs hordes appeared to have them trapped.  There
    was a booming voice from Heaven saying, "Moses, I have some good news
    and some bad news!"  Moses asked for the good news. "I am going to part
    the Red Sea, and you may deliver my children through to safety and then
    I will let the seas close and protect you.  Moses said, "That's great,
    but then what is the bad news."
    
    "First, you must get the environmental impact report approved!"

    Got this from one of Francis Gay's Friendship books:-
    
    He criticised her puddings and he didn't like her cake.
    He wished she'd make the biscuits that his mother used to bake.
    She didn't wash the dishes and she didn't make the stew,
    She didn't mend his socks just like his mother used to do:
    Oh, well, she was not perfect, though she tried to do her best,
    Until at last she thought it was time she had a rest.
    So one day when he said the same old rigmarole all through,
    She turned and boxed his ears - JUST AS HIS MOTHER USED TO DO!

	A couple from my Sunday School class:

	The lesson was on Joseph, and the "Learning Center" activity
	was to glue some paper-doll brothers and a Joesph onto a sheet
	of paper, then color Joseph's new coat.  The woman that cut
	out the paper dolls made 5 for each child, knowing that 11 wouldn't
	fit on the page (and would be quite time-consuming).  It didn't
	take long before I heard, "Teacher, there are only 5 brothers here.
	Where are the other brothers?"  Thinking on my feet, I replied, "Oh,
	they're having lunch!"

	(The leader walked by just as I said it, too... can you tell it
	was my first day teaching ;-)  )

	*********************************************************

	Last week, 5 year old Jamie didn't want to be in Discovery Church.
	He wouldn't sit down, wouldn't sing, wouldn't listen...  another
	teacher started showing a poster of Jesus and some children as
	a lead-in to prayer, and I tried to get Jamie involved.
	
	Me: Look Jamie, do you know who that is in that poster ?
	
	Jamie: It's Jesus.  

	Me: That's right, that's Jesus.  Do you want to go over and hear
	what Mrs. Wittig is saying about Jesus?

	Jamie: (emphatically) I learn about Jesus all the time.  What we need to
		learn about is Gypsy moth caterpillars!

Karen,

Those kids are a laugh a line, but that response of Jamie's is what the 
world has learned to say too ... 
 "I've heard enough about Jesus, 
      what we need to learn about is <substitute any trivial speciality>"

This being the humor topic, I don't want to come over heavy on it, but even
where'trivial speciality' is something significant in the world's terms, it
can't compare with eternity....  It makes my heart ache... 

Perhaps Jamie needs to think about Genesis 1:20-23, where Jesus designed 
and made Gypsy moth caterpillars, the development in the cocoon, and the 
transformation into a butterfly... Unless they came in day 6.  There again 
the 'design' could be part of the preparatory wisdom of Proverbs 8:22-31

Sorry .... back to the humor...

							Andrew

    Two psychologists were discussing marriage and whether or not it
    changed people.  The one pointed out that all women go into marriage
    wanting to change their man.  The other asked how he reached that
    conclusion.  He responded that it starts going into the marriage. 
    After the bride gets her gown on, she looks down the aisle and looks
    upon the altar where they will exchange their vows and then hears the
    first hymn and then all she thinks about is, "Aisle, altar, hymn".

!!!!!!!!!GGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

    I don't get it.

�    I don't get it.
				It has now been gotten.

	... Three pastors got together for coffee one day and
	found all their churches had bat-infestation problems.
	"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired
	at them.  It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing
	to the bats."

	"I tried trapping them alive," said the second.  "Then
	I drove them 50 miles before releasing them, but they
	beat me back to the church."

	"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.

	"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.

	"I simply baptized them and presented them for confirmation,"
	he replied.  "I haven't seen them since."

I was listening to a testimony by a Jewish man at lunch time.  He said that 
Jews had been scattered to six of the seven continents.  The only one they 
didn't live in was Antarctica.

There was a dissident voice from the audience ....


		Heven't you heard of the Iceburgs....?

    what'd they call Santa Claus after his sleigh reck....
    
    
    
    Chris Crinkle......
    

    Oh.  That was a JOKE!  I couldn't tell for a minute...
    (smile smile smile smile smile smile)
    
    ---guess that was an old timer's joke.
    
    What kind of weather does Santa get all the time?
    
    
    
    RAIN, dear!

    It's not an "old timer's" joke...
    
    It's humor with maturity.... 8^)
    

    Yeah, right.  You old people sure do make a lot of excuses. (ha ha)
    
    

    Alright, time to fess up.  How many in here besides Nancy subscribe to
    "Modern Maturity"?

    Actually, there is something wonderful about being a woman in my 30's. 
    I feel as though for the first time in my life I could engage in a real
    quality relationship not one just full of hormones! :-)

    Hey Nancy be glad he said Modern Maturity and AARP.  ;-)
    
    Sylvain the younger

	Well Mike, according the Bing's timeline, I've still got
	5 good years left in me ;-)

The Christmas gifter for cats is Santa Paws.

� The Christmas gifter for cats is Santa Paws.

 - but he still defers to the usual for the BIG cats - Santa Claws.....

Procrastinating Santa, arrives on Boxing day ....


							Santa Pause...

Do you know why the Santa for Crows?

'Cause.

Santa Caws, that is.

    
    Is there a Santa Claus.... # .425
    
    That was really funny!
    
    

    Spotted this elsewhere, and thought you would appreciate me sharing 
    with all you sophisticated types ;-)
    
    South Pacific, 1943, on board an American aircraft carrier......
        
    Pilot Johnson is called in the office by his superiors. He gets a a 
    right dressing-down for crashing several planes, and for generally 
    fouling up literally everything he does. " Johnson, we're going to  
    give you one more chance. If you blow this one you're finished here.  
    You're the worst pilot we've ever had," his superior says. Johnson  
    promises to try his utmost. He leaves the office, and makes his way 
    to  the aircraft. Everybody wishes him good luck. He takes off, and 
    spots  the first Japanese aircraft. He opens fire, and he actually 
    hits the  aircraft! The Japanese aircraft crashes into the ocean. 
    Everybody on the aircraft carrier is cheering "Well done Johnson", he 
    makes a looping in the air, and there's the next Japanese aircraft!  
    Fearlessly Johnson goes for him, and bang, he shoots this one down as  
    well! Everybody is cheering, this is incredible, this Johnson is a  
    great guy! He makes another looping in the air, he's a hero. And he  
    shoots down 2 more planes...... everybody on board is going crazy!  
    Finally he's shown his superiors that he's not useless at his job, 
    this should get him a medal after the war! He makes another looping 
    in the air, and makes a perfect landing on the aircraft carrier (for 
    the first time in his career). He gets out of the aircraft, walks up 
    to the captain, salutes, and says: "Well sir, how  about that?"  The 
    captain looks at him sternly and says, with a very distinct....
    

    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    	Japanese accent:  "Velly funny Amellican pig!" 
    

    Heard this on the Rush Limbaugh show of all places.
    
    God has become totally disgusted with the world and has decided to end
    it.  He calls the NY Times, the Wall Street journal, and the Boston
    Globe.  He announces to each of them that he is going to distry the
    world tomorrow evening.
    
    The next morning:
    
    NY Times banner headline -- GOD TO DISTROY THE WORLD TONIGHT details on
    page 23 of section C.
    
    Wall Street Journal -- God to distroy the world; stock market will
    close early.
    
    Boston Globe -- God to distroy the world; woman and minorities will
    suffer most.
    
    God bless you all
    
    Dave

         A man went into a pub with the scruffiest dog imaginable and 
         ordered a pint. The landlord asked whether the dog was a guide-dog 
         (not sure of the USA equivalent, used here in the UK to aid the 
         blind) and, when told that it was not, siad that non-guide dogs 
         were not allowed in.
         
         The man left quietly, and returned a couple of minutes later 
         wearing a pair of dark glasses and accompanied by the same dog. 
         The landlord again asked if it was a guide dog, to which the man 
         said "yes". "Well now," siad the landlord, "I always understood 
         that guide dogs were labradors or retrievers."
         
         "Goodness!" said the man, "What on earth did they give me, then?"

.432>  :-)

A good variation of a similar joke I heard, Paul.  I like your's better.

USA version of guide-dog is guide-dog, but also known as a "Seeing-eye dog."

We also have 'hearing dogs for the deaf'.  A lady in our congregation 
relies on one.  It's usually very quiet, but has been known to bark at 
certain doctrines... - probably resents being compared to a Ph�necian 
lady... ;-}

							&

    I guess this fits into this topic....

    I was sitting at my desk a few minutes ago. I was praying for guidance
    and such for my family and my job situation. I also prayed for guidance
    in finding us a place to live, in Maine... 

    Well, I hadn't gotten to the "in Maine" part when the phone rang.
    It was the folks in the cafe... They had had their drawing this
    afternoon and I was the winner of that drawing..

    Well, the prize was a gingerbread house......

    That wasn't quite what I had in mind when I prayed for "a place to
    live"... BUT it's a neat looking *little* house just the same.

    I guess what they say is true... "Watch out what you pray for, you just
    might get it...."

    The Lord works in mysterious ways... 8^)

    -1
    
    :-) :-) :-)  Just a sign that God's got your needs covered!
    
    

    Now when someone says I'm eating them out of house and home, I will
    really be able to eat them out of their house and home... Actually my
    house and home.....
    
    It is a neat gingerbread house!
    

    Beware of small gingerbread men carrying big sticks of icing!

    Just last night, the guy taking the service didn't pronounce something
    quite the way it should have been pronounced.  Caused a bit of
    tittering up in the back row.
    
    He was announcing a sermon series... "Lasting Relationships", but most
    people heard it as "Lust In Relationships".
    
    James

    -1 :-)

    Two guys, Ralph and Tim, were out fishing one day.  Tim had hurt his
    arm was sitting back in the boat relaxing.  Ralph was fishing, 
    waiting for fish to bite.  Ralph looked up and saw a man walking 
    across the water. Ralph said, "Tim, look...do you think that is 
    ....Jesus....?"  Tim sat up and was shocked.  By the time Tim regained 
    his composure,  the man was standing by their boat.  Tim said, 
    "Are you...JESUS...?  The man replied, "Yes, I am.  What can I do for 
    you today?"  Tim replied, "Well, to be quite honest, I do have this 
    pain in my arm", holding up his right arm.   Jesus put his hand on 
    Tim's arm and said "You are healed".  Tim moved his arm and it was
    healed.  Jesus turned to Ralph.  Jesus asked, "What can I do for you
    today?" Ralph said, "Don't touch me....I am on 100% disability!!"
    
      

in the middle of New York, there was a Synagogue and a RC Church next door to
one another.

The Rabbi and the Priest, over the years, had become close friends - discussing
many ecumenical type things between them.

One day, quite by coincidence, they both happened to buy brand new cars!

Later that day, the Rabbi looked out and noticed the Priest 'baptising' his (the
Rabbi's) car. He was so impressed with the kind gesture, that he took a hacksaw
and removed 2 inches from the exhaust pipe of the Priest's car.

    Groan

    Seen on bumper sticker recently:
    
    The Bible speaks to the Clinton Administration:
    
    "May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership."
                                                            Ps109:8
    
    

    Re: Note 18.0 by TOKNOW::METCALFE
    
>Try to be funny in good taste.
    
    Well, this one isn't really good taste.  It's almost worth it, as a bit
    of a chuckle.  It's something I happened across on the world wide web.
    The author claims we shouldn't look through telescopes, as God didn't
    intend such things to be used.  ;-)
    
    I had previously posted the material itself, but one or more people in
    the conference found it sufficiently offensive that the moderators have
    asked me to retract it.  I will therefore only post a pointer to the
    material.  Here it is;
    
    	http://www.hip.com/col/thisweek/hubble1.htm
    
    The material is offensive to Christians, vulgar, makes casual use of
    God's name in crude humour, and is therefore irreverent.  In fact, it's
    just like the discussions you hear at the local public bar, in that
    respect.  So I agree, I shouldn't "say" it in church, i.e. here, where
    weaker brothers and sisters may be led astray.
    
    James

 Received this in mail from a former noter..


   
    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
    edge, about to jump off.  so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"  
    "Why shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  
    He said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"  
    He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too!  Are you Christian or Buddhist?"  
    He said, "Christian."  I said, "Me too!  Are you Catholic or Protestant?"  
    He said, "Protestant."  I said, "Me too!  Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
    He said, "Baptist!"  I said, "Wow!  Me too!  Are you Baptist Church of God 
    or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!"  I said, 
    "Me too!  Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed 
    Baptist Church of God?"  He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"  
    I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 
    1879, or reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"  He said, 
    "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"  I
    said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.  -- Emo Phillips
    


----- End Included Message -----


% ====== Internet headers and postmarks (see DECWRL::GATEWAY.DOC) ======
% Received: from mail1.digital.com by us4rmc.pko.dec.com (5.65/rmc-22feb94) id AA11319; Fri, 28 Apr 95 07:26:24 -040
% Received: from mailgate.Cadence.COM by mail1.digital.com; (5.65 EXP 4/12/95 for V3.2/1.0/WV) id AA24938; Fri, 28 Apr 1995 04:22:36 -070
% Received: (from smap@localhost) by mailgate.Cadence.COM (8.6.8/8.6.8) id EAA12727 for <[email protected]>; Fri, 28 Apr 1995 04:18:34 -0700
% Received: from cadence.cadence.com(158.140.18.1) by mailgate.cadence.com via smap (V1.0mjr) id sma012629; Fri Apr 28 04:18:11 199
% Received: from toknow by cadence.Cadence.COM (5.61/3.14) id AA07211; Fri, 28 Apr 95 04:16:21 -070
% Received: by toknow (5.65+/1.5) id AA00716; Fri, 28 Apr 95 06:18:07 -050
% Date: Fri, 28 Apr 95 06:18:07 -0500
% From: [email protected] (Mark Metcalfe)
% Message-Id: <9504281118.AA00716@toknow>
% To: cslall::henderson
% Subject: You ought to post this in Humor (though we have know some people like this in Christian) :-/

    Gives me a funny feeling ..... 
	as if I've seen it before somewhere ...
		like, in 717.1 .....

			thanks for the funny feeling 		;-)


								&rew

    Just read .448 -- fantastic!
    
    dp
    

    RE: .448 Jim Henderson
    
    Thanks for reposting the full text of the joke I posted in 717.1
    - now YOU get to be the recipient of this critical comment, though.  :/
             
    	717.6/ I think it is pretty disingenuous to equate disagreement
    	717.6/ over faith nuances with pushing somebody off a bridge.

>    Thanks for reposting the full text of the joke I posted in 717.1
>    - now YOU get to be the recipient of this critical comment, though.  :/

No, he doesn't get to be the recipient of that comment.

Christians are just as able as anyone else to poke fun at themselves, to
laugh over their own inconsistencies and faults.  Posting this as a joke in
the humor note does just that.  In this context, we can all laugh over the
absurdity of it.

Using it as an argument in a discussion, in effect levelling it as an
accusation against someone else, is completely different, and generates an
appropriately different response.

Paul

    The 'punch line' of the joke is the same either way, Paul, and it
    belongs to *Emo Phillips* just as much in 717.1 as it does here.

    The context of the joke itself (as Emo wrote it) is the same, too.

    Or did you think Emo was engaging in 'self-deprecatory' humor??

    Not knowing Emo leaves one rather assumptive in any conclusion.

    	This is the humor topic.  The joke is appropriate here -- AS A
    	JOKE, not used as a stick in some other topic.

    Doesn't the Bible offer instances of using humor to teach, though?

    Can't really think of any.  I see things as humorous in light of
    today's world at times, or if I let my imaginings imagine Pauls'
    physical structure...  or better yet John the Baptist's. :-)  Now that
    one would set any person in any era a little on edge.  Talk about
    raving maniac description..yet he was a prophet annointed of God.
    
    So while I may find some things humorous, doesn't necessarily mean they
    were intended to be so.
    
    Nancy

    addendum
    
    Pauls' physical structure in light of the confrontations in which he
    engaged.

 Boy howdy, its getting tough here in the humor topic, eh?




 Jim

    Yes Jim,
	it's a tough crowd in the old home-town tonight!

We've been kinda picky on our humor lately! ... And sure, that's totally
valid.  I agree that in both 18.448 and 717.1, the force of the intent lies
in the stance of Emo Phillips (though obviously colored by the relay and
context!). I've never heard of him/her before.  Had it been quoted as a
joke without attributing it to Emo, the intent stops with whoever relays
it, and the manner in which they relay it. 

I'm personally uncomfortable with the joke, because it plays on a very sad
characteristic, of which Christians need to take care; that of being
excessively exclusive in their fellowship.  To me, that's a matter for
grief and repentance rather than humor.  In that sense, the quote in 717.1
underlines the problem that the joke trivialises.  Yes, we can laugh at the
joke as a ridiculous exaggeration, climaxing in a totally unthinkable
reaction.  But the underlying problem exists as something we should be on
our guard against.  I like to think, that in this notes file, we overcome
it more effectively than in many places, because we don't generally know
each other's backgrounds enough to be picky, until we have got to know each
other enough to value fellowship.  Usually.  

Against that, we have to guard against false doctrine; not just to swallow
any teaching, but to measure it against the Word of God.  The balance to
reflect the witness of the Holy Spirit within.



18.457 � Doesn't the Bible offer instances of using humor to teach, though?

Certainly !!!!  I think we've discussed some at some point (maybe earlier
in this string).  Like the guy who carefully strains a gnat out of his
soup, but goes on to swallow the camel, or the solicitous fellow who offers
to take the splinter out of your eye, without seeming to notice that
there's a plank stuck in his own.... 

While they use hyperbole as humor, they don't make light of sin, because 
it's a serious matter.  Jesus came to destroy the devil's work (1 John
3:8). The enemy is not to be treated as 'fun', because thet would blunt our
awareness of the danger and seriousness of sin. 



While this note is intended for 'humor' (or even, at times, 'humour'), it
is valuable to include in it the review of why we do or do not consider
something humorous, so that we can be aware of general feelings and 
guidelines in this respect, and feel totally comfortable with the freedom 
we *do* have!

						God bless
							Andrew

    Three ministers (chose your own denomination) were sitting in an Irish
    pub and the discussion took on a more serious note: "How does one divide
    the offerings of the weekly service".
    "Well, I don't get so much these days" said the first, "But I take what
    is essential for me to live and distribute the rest to appropiate
    causes..You can say to God". The second replied: "I do it a lot
    different, I go into the church and stand in the middle, then I throw
    the money up in the air and what falls on the right side I give to
    God's causes and what falls on the left side I use for my needs.
    Then the third minister said: "I don't get a great deal in the collection
    either these days but God is kind and knows my needs. I make it very
    much like You (second minister). I throw the money in the direction of
    heaven and say God take what you want and let fall enough for me to
    cover my needs.
    
    God Bless
    
    Peter
      

    This joke is told in many different ways: here is the Catholic version.
    
    The Bishop called on a newly ordained priest after it became apparant
    that the priest was not giving sermons. "Father John, it has been
    reported to me that you are not giving sermons these days, Why my son?"
    The priest answered: " Your honor, When I begin to give a sermon, the
    minute I open my mouth I begin to stutter I I I I Bebebebe commme soo o
    o o nervous, that I I I I cannot say anything intellegent and the
    attendees become bored."
    "Now my son. Maybe the reason is that you want to say too much, things
    that require years of experience to bring over to people in a subtle
    way... start simple but you must not only preach the devine word but
    interpret it so that it speaks to them in the environment where they
    live e.g. this is a farming village.. then speak to them interpreting
    the word that fits the farming community." I have tried but can't
    replied the priest. "Now start with very short statements and a subject
    that you are sure of "continued the bishop. Say "I am in love, I am in
    love with a very beutiful women." Hmm Hmm, murmerd the priest showing
    that he took in every word. " Then say this beutiful women has long
    brown hair, that will raise the interest of all present, and her name
    is Mary. Then you can continue to give a wonderful sermon on the mother
    of God... The subject that you are very strong in.
    
    Sunday came arround and the faithful were astonished to see that the
    priest approached the pulpit the give a sermon. Now I have a very
    important anouncement to make, started the priest: The bishop is in
    love... He is in love with a very beutiful women with long brown
    hair... and her name is is is do you know I have fogotten her name.
    
    God bless
    
    Peter
    
     

Thanks Peter ... ;-)

I see one frantic Bishop ....

								Andrew

    reportedly seen on Posters in England...
    
		Christians make better lovers


	      Find out how in a church near you

�    reportedly seen on Posters in England...

That was a few months back.  Were they unique to England? - They certainly 
had them in Reading.

								Andrew

	Heard this joke at the Don Francisco concert last week:

	A seventeen year old boy approaches his father and asks
	him for a car.  His father thinks for a minute and says,
	"Perhaps we could negotiate a little." The son asks how,
	and the father says, "Well, there are three things I'd like
	to see change.  One, I'd like to see you get your grades up
	a bit.  Two, I'd like you to cut your hair.  Three, I'd like
	you to read the bible at least once a day."

	The son replied, "Well Dad, I think I can handle some of that.
	It's going to be tough, but I'll see what I can manage."

	Some time goes by, and the son returns to his father.

	The boy says, "Well Dad, I've gotten my grades up to a B,
	and I've been reading my bible twice a day!"

	The father replies, "But your hair - you haven't cut it!"

	The son says, "Well, Dad, you know, with all the bible reading
	I've been doing, I discovered something.  I noticed that Jesus
	and the apostles never cut their hair."

	The father responded, "Well, if you read a bit more, you'll
	also discover...
















	they walked everywhere they went!"

 ;-)

Karen,

That one needs to be more publicly known.... 

								;-)
									&rew

X-News: decus rec.humor.funny:3978
From: [email protected] (Jean Illsche)
Subject:Sin
Date: Sun, 4 Jun 95 19:30:03 EDT
Message-ID:<[email protected]>

In Sunday School class, my nephew's teacher wrote the words cigarettes,
premarital sex and drugs on the chalkboard.  "Now," he said, "can anyone
classify these for me."  I am sure he was looking for the word SIN,
but Ben raised his hand and said "Melrose Place."

--
Selected by Jim Griffith.  MAIL your joke to [email protected].

This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp.  Read about
The Internet Joke Book -- the best of RHF at http://www.clari.net/inetjoke.html

    -1
    
    He was spot on, though.  Funny, but also a bit sad.  This is a popular
    show amoung young people, unfortunately.

A baker had been given instructions for a wedding cake:

	Inscribe I John 4:18

		"Perfect love casteth out fear"

Unfortunately, he didn't see the "I", and inscribed John 4:18:

		"Thou hast had five husbands; and he whom
		 thou now havest is not thy husband!"

	John,

	That happened for real when my wife's brother Chris
read the wrong scripture at her other brother Jim's wedding!
Everyone was horrified at first, then burst out laughing!

  I saw this on the bit.listserv.christia newsgroup and I thought it was
somewhat appropos for a mailing list such as ours.  You need to have read
"The Screwtape Letters" by C. S. Lewis to really understand it (great book,
by the way, if you haven't read it).

                                                                 - Steve.

=============================================================================
 
My dear Wormwood,

    You report that your patient has been misusing his electronic mail,
going so far in fact as to monitor ("lurk", in the new vernacular) a
forum dedicated to Practical Christianity or some such notion.  I share
your concern, but let me remind you as old Slubgob surely taught you at
college that such things are fraught with opportunity as well as peril
for junior tempters such as yourself.
    Do not let the humans' new technology confuse you; the principles of
obstruction remain the same as ever.  Your human approaching any
religious discussion must be insulated against the overtures of the
Enemy, and we have tried-and-true means of doing so.
     The dossier I obtained on your patient is woefully inadequate (for
which, in Intellegence, heads will certainly roll!).  Which of the
Enemy's factions was it that he was associated with?  Remember the
carefully-built up animosities we have maintained between the regiments
out of Rome and the other ones.  This old feud may serve you well here,
whether your patient is a Catholic or Protestant -
     For that is the key thing here: that he approach this list daily as
a Catholic or Protestant, never primarily as a Christian.  To identify
himself by his faction psychologically prepares him to give and take
offense in factional strife - a great joy to Our Father Below.  Those
much further down the Lowerarchy than ourselves have provided well for
our work by keeping the old intra-church animosities strong, though you
are unlikely to see days like those I enjoyed in centuries past, when
blood flowed freely and hatred hung like a vast cloud over Christendom -
     But now is not the time for nostalgia.  Your present ambition must
be in tune with your times.  It will be enough for your patient to
unthinkingly align himself with one faction (or better yet, unthinkingly
against any one faction), without any honest examination of the
Scripture or (especially) his own motives.  (If he later searches
Scriptures just to rationalize his foregone conclusions, so much the
better - Our Father Below does the same.)
      Remember too that in any forum human rudeness makes our work
easier.  If you cannot get your patient to be openly rude, make him
overly sensitive; it's the next best thing. Let him take every breach of
Netiquette personally, especially (need I even mention?) those
perpetrated by rival factions.
     If you cannot keep him out of theological discussions, make them
very esoteric ones, preferably engaged in by neglecting his duties at
work.
    With luck and perseverence, these principles will guide you in
making Practical Christianity as oxymoronic to your patient as it seems
to us.
                                                 Your attentive Uncle,
                                                    Screwtape

==============================================================================

--
      Steven H. Schimmrich           [email protected]

      Department of Geology, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
         245 Natural History Building, Urbana, IL 61801  (217) 244-1246

                 http://hercules.geology.uiuc.edu/~schimmri/

[headers removed]

...as compared by an os/2 fan... ;^)


From:	US4RMC::"[email protected]" "David Peterson" 25-JUL-1995 11:41:15.86

                           __        ____     __  __  ____ ____  _ _   __
_ _ _ _ __ __ __ ___ ___  /   / / /   /  / / /_/ /_    /    /   /|/|  /_
                         /_  /_/ /_  /  /_/ / \ /_    /  __/_  /   | /_

[Brought to us by longtime Culture Time listmember Jason Whong]

From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy

If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of 
publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour
of the Computer Industry.  If you have less than half a brain, you
probably believe it.  Could it be?

Let's compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of 
Nazareth:

        Jesus                                   Windows 95
--------------------------------------+------------------------------------
Said, "Surely I come quickly."        |  Has been promised "any day now."
                                      |
Is taking a lot longer to actually    |  Is taking a lot longer to actually
arrive.                               |  arrive.
                                      |
Can walk on water.                    |  Can crawl on a 486.
                                      |
Sits in judgement at the pearly gates.|  Will be used to judge Bill Gates.
                                      |
Bible says, "In Him, all things are   |  Windows 95 doesn't even run all
possible."                            |  possible Windows apps.
                                      |
Embodies the Holy Trinity: Father,    |  Embodies DOS.
Son, and Holy Ghost.                  |
                                      |
Started life as a carpenter.          |  Turns perfectly good computers into
                                      |  furniture.
                                      |
Born in a manger.                     |  Resembles something found in a 
                                      |  barn.
                                      |
Remembered for protecting the weak.   |  Has weak memory protection.
                                      |
Was raised from the dead.             |  Was created from Windows 3.1
                                      |
Jesus performed great works for       |  Windows 95 multitasking performance
the multitudes.                       |  barely works.
                                      |
Jesus has no sin.                     |  Windows 95 has no shame.
--------------------------------------+------------------------------------

You decide.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Forsythe     | Windows 95: A another first from Microsoft!
[email protected]  | The first OS to be obsolete *before* it was released.

  _        ____       __      __      __  __  __
 _ / |   /  /    /   _ / \_/ / /   /   / / /   / ___ ___ __ __ __ _ _ _ _
__/  |/|/__/_ __/_  __/ /_/ / / __/_  / / / __/

David Peterson                   | Yes, private citizens are often wicked and
Peritus Software Services        | foolish.  All the more reason  not to give
[email protected]            | those   citizens  who control   the  state
                                 | limitless power.         --James A. Donald
[email protected] | Opinions expressed within: Mine! All Mine!

[footers removed]

    NIV+ (tm) - an affliction that hits those who believe the NIV Bible is
    a good study Bible.

There was a Christian painter/decorator who thought that he could save some
money by thinning down his paint with white spirits. This he did and it worked
well and he was saving money. However one day he got the job to paint his elders
house. He painted one of the walls and it did not work, he could still see the
old paint. So he tried again, still the same the paint was not good. So he
painted it again, still he did not cover the wall correctly, so in desperation
he called upon the Lord. The word of the Lord came to him:

"Repaint and thin no more"

Thanks for sharing your holiday with us, Gary.  NOW you can paint my house. ;-) 

								Andrew

    "Plagiarism is an Impossibility"
    by Prof. Rebecca German, Biology Dept., University of Cincinnati
    
    At a major university (is there any other kind?), students were 
    asked to complete a writing assignment.  This was to be an 
    exercise in "critical thinking."  Unfortunately, several students 
    handed in essays that represented various degrees of intellectual 
    dishonesty.  These ranged from essays that were identical (except 
    for the author's names) to essays with the same sentences 
    rearranged.  One pair of students, who turned in essays that were 
    remarkably similar, filed a grievance against the professors who 
    accused them of cheating.  In a hearing before the grievance 
    committee, it bacame clear that one of the students ahd written 
    the essay and given it to the other.  The student who admitted to 
    copying her friend's essay did not believe that she had done 
    anything wrong.  She told the committee that, despite the 
    identical sentences, in the two essays, she had only "looked" at 
    the original.  Finally, exasperated when the committee did not 
    accept her story at face value, she stood up and said, "I only 
    have to answer to two people:  me and my God, and we both know I 
    am right."  One professor was heard to mutter under his breath, 
    "what a shame only one of them is in the room to testify right 
    now."
    

    
    	Q. what do you get when you cross a church with a vegatable garden?

We give up -- what?

Leslie

    Jay, how do you keep a clown in suspense?

    A growing church!!! :-) [from my 12 year old, Matthew]

    7th Day Adventists??? :-) with love for Tony!

    * Action: Harry chuckles

    Why don't people eat clowns?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Because they taste funny!

    even though I liked your answers better, alas, I will give my answer to
    the riddle. :-)
    
    Q. what do you get when U cross a church with a vegtable garden?
    
    A. Lettuce pray.
    
    
    forgive me.

    >    forgive me.
    
    Nah! burn him! ;')

:-)

I like it.

 The missionary who spoke at church last night said that when he was a 
 teenager he had a drug problem



 his dad "drug" him to church Sunday morning, Sunday night and "drug" him
 to church on Wednesday night ;-)



 Jim

    Hey do you know what the difference between O J Simpson and John Elways
    is?

    One rode in a slow white bronco
    and one is a slow white bronco

    What do you get if you cross an Apostle with a fly fisherman?
    
    

    .495
    
    
    A miracle cast?
    
    

    	A fisherman who doesn't need waders?  (One that can walk on
    	water...)

    very good.
    
    Q. what do you get when you cross an apostle and a fly fisherman?
    
    A. someone who casts lots.
    
    
    forgive me. 
    

    Hey Mine was

    Snarfing good too! :-)

So why is it that some computer people have a hard time distinguishing
between Christmas and Haloween?

Because DEC(25) = OCT(31)

    and we won;t even mention HEXing anyone ;')

    
    	methinks someone's working too hard, what with all the computer
    	analogies...
    

You realize, of course, that almost no one has any idea what you're talking
about.....

:-)

    
    I didn't laugh much because these jokes have been around for 
    more than a couple of weeks. 
    
    Kind of like the business about ...
    
      How many software people (or database people) does it take to 
      change a light bulb. 
    
    
    
      Can't be done.  Thats a hardware question. 
    
    
    Mary Jo 
    

	Howdy,

	Have you ever bought a 25-cent plastic puzzle-ball for your kids?
They're easy to take apart, but I haven't been able to put one back
together yet.  We all got a chuckle trying to read the directions, though:

			HOW TO DECOMPOSE
PUZZLE BALL		Easily though it into the floor have fun.
Lets Decompose &
Enjoy Assembling	HOW TO ASSEMBLE
			2. HOLD A1 HAND.
			   PUT A2 AND A3 ON
			   BOTH SIDE OF A1.

			2. SLIDE B1 AND
			   B2 ON BOTH
			   SIDE OF A2 & A3.

			3. SLIDE C1 FOR THE
			   SIDE OF B1 THOUGH
			   THE SIDE OF B2.

| <<< Note 18.501 by PAULKM::WEISS "For I am determined to know nothing, except..." >>>


| Because DEC(25) 

	DEC stock has fallen to $25???? SELL SELL SELL SELL SELL SELL!!!!!!!

�	DEC stock has fallen to $25???? SELL SELL SELL SELL SELL SELL!!!!!!!

Or is it bye bye bye bye bye bye????

								&

    	License plate seen on a VW beetle:
    
    
    		FEATURE
    

 I don't think I get it.

    
    	it loses something in the translation, but ...
    
    	software or hardware "bugs" are jokingly called "features" in
    	the industry
    

    ah... but it cracked me up! :') :') :') :') :')

    
  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    
    
    
  "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

    
    
  What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Boy, did I laugh at the "feature."  Thanks

    	I heard it said that the amount of time it takes for you to
    	get the "not a bug, it's a feature" meaning is inversely
    	proportional to your computer geekiness.

re <<< Note 18.515 by CSC32::J_OPPELT "Wanna see my scar?" >>>

>    	proportional to your computer geekiness.

as opposed to one's "other" geekiness?


Some parts of our CSC now name "bugs" as "misfeatures".

\C

    Oh dear,
    
    what happens when you laugh _before_ you see it ;') ?

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He wanted to prove he wasn't chicken

 Why'd the chicken cross the road?


 to prove to the 'possum it could be done

    Why did a woman cross the road?
    
    
    To show a man it could be done! 

 <----- cuz the man didn't want to stop and ask directions, right?

    ha!!! Actually I like yer answer better!
    
    meow!

Seasons Greetings from the North Pole:

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole.  Streamlining was appropriate as the North
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished our market
share and we can not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the
profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the
purchase of a late model  sled for my annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of
service.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received
unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something here at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudolph's nose got that way due to substance abuse.  Calling
Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of
the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and
taken out of context at a time of year when helpers are known to be
under executive stress.

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continually to look
for better, more competitive measures. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of
Christmas" program: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree
never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by
a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good
one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility.

Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee
to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band  getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet,  a
cutback on music  and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop
right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is spending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Program to see if seven
dwarves is the right number.
Happy Holidays!

Santa

[headers removed]

        **** 'Twas the Night Before Christmas  ****
                       - Written by the Government

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums.  My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by
his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.  His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me
visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle.  Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the
planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."

Does anyone have a copy of the one that went around a year or two ago, which
scientifically proved that it was impossible for Santa to deliver all those
toys in one night?  It had to do with calculating the weight of the sleigh
and the speed necessary for them to travel.  It was pretty funny.

Paul

P.S.  Thanks, Harry - I hadn't seen that one before

    Paul, you need to design a Sleigh like that for the FLIGHT hangar.

    
    ...my apologies for breaking the 100 line guideline... ;')
    
    "ahm a baaaaaad boy!" :')
    
    
Star Trek: The Next Generation
"A Christmas Story"

Data: Strictly speaking, we are not the next generation, but
     two generations after the original series with Captain
     Kirk.

Riker: So that makes us "Star Trek: The Next Next
     Generation?"

Wesley: Maybe we're really "Star Trek: Not the Next
     Generation but the One After That?"

Pulaski: Or maybe even "Star Trek: The Third Generation?"

Troi: I feel confused.

Picard: Me too.  Ensign Crusher, set a course for the new
     parody.  Warp three.

[Picard sits down in his chair, giving his uniform top a tug
to straighten it out.  Riker smirks.  Wesley lays in the
course.]

Wesley: Course laid in, captain.

Picard: (pointing finger) Engage!
============================================================
[The Enterprise is travelling at warp speed, just like in so
many other episodes.  Hey, these parodies have a low budget,
all right?  The bridge is filled with little kids, lined up
to see Riker (dressed as Santa Claus) with their parents.
Picard is smiling happily.]

Wesley: Captain?

Picard: (smiling) Yes, ensign?

Wesley: Sir, you don't like children.  Remember?

Picard: I don't?

Wesley: No sir.

Picard: Oh--you're right!  You know, it's been so long since
     the writers did anything with that subplot that I
     completely forgot!

[Picard now looks kind of annoyed and begins to pace
uneasily across the bridge floor.]

Wesley: Much better, sir.

[As the last of the children file out, Riker takes off the
Santa hat and beard.  The fat does not come off, because it
is actually built in.]

Picard: Are these annual trips to the bridge necessary,
     Number One?

Riker: It helps the children feel more comfortable on the
     ship, sir. Besides, it's only once a year.  I don't
     think it's anything worth getting upset about.
     Besides, I don't recall your being this upset around
     children since the first season.

Picard: Ah, yes, Ensign Crusher just reminded me that I do
     not like children.  I'd forgotten.

Troi: It has been a while since the writers developed that
     subplot, captain.

Geordi: Or the one with my eyes.

Pulaski: Or the romance between Jean-Luc and Wesley's
     mother.

[Picard blushes.]

Riker: I think the only subplot they haven't neglected is
     Deanna's pain.

Wesley: Commander?

Riker: Yes Wesley?

Wesley: What started this whole Christmas story anyway?
     What brought about this Santa Claus holiday?

Riker: I really don't know.

Picard: I must confess, I don't know either.  It originally
     had to do with some religious observation back in the
     pre-spaceflight era of Earth, I think . . .

Wesley: People worshipped Santa Claus?

[A non-descript crewman with a mass of curly hair at Data's
station clears his throat.]

Crewman: No, Jesus Christ.

[Everyone is shocked.]

Picard: I don't want to hear that sort of language on my
     bridge again! This is a family tv show--do you what
     will happen to the ratings if parents hear us using
     language like that, ensign . . .

Crewman: Green, sir.  Ensign Keith Green.  And I wasn't
     swearing, sir. Jesus Christ is a man's name.

Picard: (thinking momentarily) You're right.  I just never
     hear it in that context these days.  I remember reading
     something about him a long time ago.  He was Jewish,
     wasn't he?  Some religious figure from twenty-five
     hundred years ago.

Riker: But what does that have to do with Christmas?

[A bright flash, and on the set appears . . .]

Q: Something I shall endeavor to show you right now, my dear
     Riker.

All: Q!
============================================================
The Wild West: The Final Frontier.  No, no, that's not it.
The oceans: the final frontier.  No, that's not it either.
Space?  Yeah yeah, space, that's it.  Space: the final
frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship . . . ummm . . . Will,
what's our starship's name again?  The Booby Prize?  The
Door Prize?  Oh yeah . . . the Enterprise.  These are the
voyages of the starship Enterprise: her ongoing mission, to
. . . to . . . what is our mission, anyway?  There was
something about frogs in there, right?  To seek out new
frogs and . . . that's not it?  New lifeforms?  I want to
seek out new frogs!  Oh, all right.  To seek our new life
and new civilizations, to go boldly where no one has gone
before.  That's not it?  To boldly go?  But that's poor
grammar!  I can't split infinitives!  I'm a Shakespearean
actor, I can't do that sort of junk, I'll lose my union
card!  I'll be banned from the Bard!  I'll be . . .

[Opening credits end, we now see inside the bridge where
Picard is continuing his monologue.]

Picard: I'll be barred unable to return to ACTER or the
     Royal Shakespeare Company.  Oh??  We're back to the
     show.  Oops.

Riker: What do you mean you're going to show us what Jesus
     Christ has to do with Christmas?

Q: I felt badly about the rough treatment I gave you as
     Santa Claus, and felt I should make it up to you.  What
     do you say, Microbrain? Is it a deal?

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* gamble with all-powerful beings.
     You always lie, and when you have nothing, you cheat.

Q: Only some of us, Worf.  And we're not really all that
     all-powerful. We just like to act as though we are.
     We're really living a lie.  Just like the Pittsburgh
     Steelers.

[Hey, it's OK--I'm *from* Pittsburgh!]

Q: But first, for some mandatory entertainment the writer
     promised his brother he'd put into his next parody.

[Q snaps his fingers.]

Worf: Captain, there are two intruders in shuttle bay three.

     I am dispatching a security team to apprehend them.

[Worf leaves the bridge.]

Picard: Oh good--do you suppose we could get prisoners?

Data: It is indeed likely, captain.

Picard: Great!  Maybe I can perform the opening soliloquy
     from Richard III for them.  I love a "captive" audience
     for my Shakespeare performances.

Riker: Captain, I feel I should warn you that we're starting
     to act like we're in another parody.

Picard: (thoughtfully) You're right--a bit like that
     "Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation,"
     isn't it?

Data: Very much.

[In shuttle bay three.]

Worf: Worf to bridge.  Captain, I have located two intruders
     in shuttle bay three.

Arthur: Why isn't anyone ever glad to see us?

Worf: Wait--I know you two!  You were in "The Hitchhiker's
     Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation," weren't you?

Ford: I was afraid he might remember us.  Run for it,
     Arthur!

Arthur: Right!

[He and Ford both turn and run into each other, knocking
themselves out in the process.  Fortunately for them both,
there is a sudden flash as Dr Samuel Beckett leaps into
Worf.]

Sam: Oh boy.  Where am I now?

[He looks at Worf's reflection on the side of a shuttle.]

Sam: Oh no.  What am I doing back here?

[He finally manages to get to the bridge, saving Ford and
Arthur from Worf in the process, thereby accomplishing the
mission for which he was sent into Worf's body, and as a
result leaping back out of Worf and into his own TV show,
Quantum Leap.]

Data: I do not understand the poor writing quality of this
     story, Geordi.

Geordi: Well, Data, it's all because some Trekker out there
     has a bunch of stupid jokes he feels he has to tell,
     and no coherent plot to link them together.  Hopefully
     he'll get around to the main point soon.

Green: I agree.  This is really getting absurd.

Q: Pay some attention to me, will you?  I'm relatively
     omnipotent, I shouldn't just be ignored!

Riker: We'll ignore you for as long as we want, do you
     understand me, Q?  You're not the one writing this
     story, *he* is.

[As Riker points toward the camera, everyone peers outward.]

Worf: That *boy* is writing this story?

Wesley: What's that sweatshirt he's wearing?  "Dr Who?"

Geordi: What an idiot.  Doesn't he realize he has a final on
     Monday?

Troi: I sense great anger building.

[Geordi suddenly gets run over by a horde of elephants
driven by Hannibal, on his way to conquer Rome.]

Picard: Picard to sickbay.  Medical emergency on the bridge.

Wesley: How can the writer do that?

Riker: Well, Wesley, he can do that because he's the writer
     and we're just characters in his story.

Wesley: Gee Commander, that makes sense.  I want to grow up
     to be just like you.

Riker: Why thank you, Wes.  That's a very nice thing to say.

Picard: (aside)  Another Riker?  What a revolting thought.

Q: Worf, quit crying!  Just because he didn't write you in
     with a better looking face is no reason to cry!

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* cry.  We just sulk.  Usually with
     the regular lights off and the Christmas lights going.
     Sometimes with the stereo blasting.

Green: Enough!  Q, you said something about showing us the
     origins of Christmas.

Q: Very well.  But on one condition.  A number of us over in
     the Q continuum really enjoy your music, and we would
     you to do a performance of some of your songs for us,
     like "He'll Take Care of the Rest."

Worf: You sing?

Green: And play the piano.  Why not come to one of my
     concerts on the rec deck?

Worf: Klingons do *NOT* attend concerts.  We--

[Through a Providential editing error, Worf is suddenly cut
off, thereby preventing viewers from finding out exactly
what it is that Klingons do.  The entire picture goes
blurry.]

Riker: I sure wish the viewers would adjust their set.

Worf: They are not.  Sir, request permission to kill the
     viewers.

Picard: Denied, lieutenant.  What would happen to our
     ratings then?

[The whole picture shakes suddenly and clears up.  Something
hits Wesley on the head.]

Wesley: Ow!  Something hit me on the head!

Worf: A shoe.  Mr Johnson must have fixed his set finally.
     Thank you, Mr Johnson, for everything.  Especially for
     hitting Wesley.

[The TNG crew find themselves outside a cave.  They look
around.  The only lighting available is provided by the
stars
and a single torch burning inside the cave.  There is a gate
at the mouth of the cave to keep the animals locked inside
from escaping.  A city is not far away, but there is no
artificial lighting except the burning of torches.]

Data: Captain, tricorder readings indicate no electric power
     in the vicinity.  We appear to be located on a hill
     outside a small city.  Atmosphere is breathable; very
     similar to Earth, but with a much lower pollutant
     content.  There are three life signs inside the cave,
     sir.  They are human.

Picard: Q--where are we?

Green: I don't see Q anywhere, captain.  He seems to have
     left us here.

Riker: Sir, I recognize some of the constellations.  We're
     definitely on Earth.

Picard: But where, Number One?

Data: If I may answer, captain, I believe we are located in
     the area once known as Israel.  It reestablished itself
     as a nation in the year 1948 and continued as a nation
     until it joined the United States of Earth in 2109.  It
     was the home of a unique group of people known as the
     Jews, who--

Picard: Data?

Data: Yes sir?

Picard: Shut up.  Ensign Green, Ensign Crusher--go ask the
     people inside if they can tell us where we are.

[Wesley and Green climb over the fence and enter the stall,
up ahead they see a young man and woman.  The woman is very
obviously pregnant and is going through labor.]

Wesley: (whispering) It sure smells in here.

Green: It's a manger, Wes.  Animals live here.  They crap
     here.  Manure isn't supposed to smell nice.

Wesley: And they're going to have a baby here?  That's
     crazy!  She could die here.

Green: Maybe, but I doubt it.  She's a tough lady to have
     gotten through what she has already.  (to the couple)
     Excuse me, can you help us?  We're lost.

[The couple do not hear.]

Green: Clever, Q, clever.

Wesley: What?  What is it?

Green: We can watch, we can hear, and we can observe.  But
     we can't interfere.  They can't see us or hear us.

Wesley: Why not?

Green: What's going on is too important for us to interfere.

     I think Q realized that.  Captain, come on in!  The
     smell's bad, but that's the worst of it.  We seem to be
     trapped in another time reference plane; we can see
     everything that happens with these people, but we can't
     interfere in any way.

Picard: (coming forward with others) Fascinating.  Is this
     one of Q's illusions?

Green: I don't think so, captain.  I may be wrong, but
     something tells me this is real.

Data: I concur with Ensign Green, captain.  I am unaffected
     by Q's illusions, but I do perceive all that is
     happening here.  We are indeed witnessing an actual
     event on earth.

Picard: From history, or the present?

Green: From history, captain.

Riker: What makes you so certain, mister?

Green: Just trust me, commander.  Look--she's giving birth.

Wesley: Ew, gross--look at all that blood!

Worf: You are so weak, Wesley.  Klingons prefer natural
     childbirth much more to the humans' mechanized,
     painless births.  It shows the woman's strength.

Green: Shhh!  Listen!

Man: Come on, Miriam, breathe.  Now, push!

Miriam: Yuseph, <ugh> I <ugh> feel like I'm given birth to a
     shekel of rock. <ugh>

Yuseph: You are, Miriam.  You are.

Wesley: What's a shekel?

Riker: Shh!

Data: A shekel is a unit of measurement dating back to--

Worf: SILENCE!

[A head begins to emerge, coated in blood.]

[The rest of the body emerges.  Yuseph severs the umbilical
cord, following proper medical procedures, and smacks the
child, who begins to scream loudly.]

Data: Are all human children so noisy?

Troi: Most of them are, Data.

Picard: Now I remember why I don't like children . . .

Yuseph: Your first son, Miriam.

[He holds the baby boy out to her; she takes him in her arms
and holds the screaming baby, a smile on her lips.]

Worf: Will they not expose it?

Green: What?

Worf: It is Klingon tradition to leave the children on a
     hill for the night of their existence.  If the child
     survives, it is raised up as a true Klingon.  This
     ensures that only the fit survive.

Green: No, Worf, human families don't do that.  We generally
     place a lot of value on our children.

Miriam: Your son, too, Yuseph.

Yuseph: Not mine, but I will raise him as though he were.

Q: (suddenly appearing) Amazing, isn't it?  Such a mighty
     being, but such a humble birth.  He has to scream and
     wave his arms when he wants fed; he can't even fend for
     himself.  He can't talk; he can't walk.  He'll have to
     learn, just like other children.  He'll have to be
     potty-trained, just like other children.

Picard: Q, what are you talking about?

Q: The baby, who else?

Green: Let's leave the cave.  I don't think we should
     intrude on their moments together like this.

[As they leave the cave, a brilliant light suddenly floods
the sky.]

Troi: So beautiful--such singing!

Data: Captain, no known astronomical phenomenon can account
     for this light in the sky or for the singing we all
     hear.  It could be the wind, however, blowing through
     the--

Wesley: Data?

Data: Yes?

Wesley: Shut up.

Q: Incredible, isn't it?  The birth of a little boy.  Do you
     begin to understand now, Picard?  Do you realize what
     Christmas is all about?

Riker: It's related to that boy in there, isn't it?

Q: You're quite right.  It's central to that boy.  "Santa
     Claus" is purely peripheral.  He has nothing to do with
     Christmas.

Troi: Captain, I sense a great joy flooding this land.  It
     is unlike anything I have ever felt before.

Green: Oh, I've felt it before.  It's wonderful, no doubt
     about that. But it's meant to be a permanent feeling.
     I suspect Q is going to show us more about that soon
     enough.  Q?

Q: Quite right, ensign.  You are a quick one.

[A great flash.  The scene changes all around them.  They
are now in a magnificent building where tables are
overturned, birds are flitting around, and sheep wander
through the area bleating stupidly.  Amid the mess, a young
man is standing, preaching to a huge throng gathered around
him.  A second man comes up to him and begins to talk with
him.]

Riker: This preacher is the baby, isn't he?

Green: That's right, sir--he is.

Riker: Blast it--where's Q?  And how do you know these
     things, Green?

[Green grins.]

Worf: This preacher did this?  This man could be a Klingon.
     I see his fire, burning fiercely--he would be a mighty
     warrior among the Klingons, even for a human.

Man: Teacher, we know that you speak and teach what is
     right, and that you do not show partiality but teach
     the way of God in accordance with the truth.  Is it
     right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?

Preacher: Show me a denarius.  Whose portrait and
     inscription are on it?

Man: . . . Caesar's . . .

Preacher: Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God
     what is God's.

Wesley: What was happening here, Keith?

Green: Well, Wes, that preacher just upset a lot of folks
     here, by making a disturbance in this Temple.  He took
     a stand for what's right by driving out a lot of
     moneymakers.  He felt that since God's love is free, we
     shouldn't charge for it.  A lot of people here are
     questioning his authority, and trying to catch him in a
     mistake so they can arrest him for insurrection.

Troi: I sense a good deal of anger here, as well as
     confusion.

Green: He upset a lot of people by doing this.  He also
     didn't take the stand a number of people expected him
     to.  See, his people--the Jews--are occupied by others
     right now, and a lot of people are expecting him to
     overthrow the occupiers.  He pretty much just said that
     they should be obeyed without violating God's laws.

Data: I see.  Captain, the preacher mentioned "Caesar."  I
     believe he is referring to a ruler of the Roman Empire,
     which collapsed in the sixth century A.D.  As we are in
     the area of Israel, I feel it likely that we are in the
     period termed 0-60 AD, when a number of Jewish
     religious leaders appeared, claiming to be a "messiah."

Riker: Interesting, Data.  Can you narrow it down further
     than that?

Data: Not without further information, sir.  I was never
     supplied with much information on this period of
     Mediterranean history.

[A bright flash.  Q reappears.]

Q: Are you ready to go, Picard?  There're two more things I
     want you to see before we're finished.

[Another brilliant flash, the bridge crew now appear on a
hill.]

Riker: Is that him?  Good lord . . .

Wesley: I'm going to be sick.

Worf: What has he done to deserve this?  No warrior should
     face death so ignominiously.  It is a disgrace.

Troi: I feel great pain, captain, and anguish.

Worf: Don't you have any original lines, counselor?  It's
     always "I feel this," or "I feel that," or "I sense the
     other thing."  Can you not say something original.

Troi: Oh, look who's talking--Mr "Klingons do *NOT*"
     himself.  Talk about a lack of original lines, Worf,
     why don't you--

Picard: At ease, counselor, lieutenant.

Riker: What have they done to him?

Green: They've crucified him, commander.  It's a form of
     execution that takes days to kill.  It's very painful.

Data: Confirmed.  Tricorder readings indicate unusual levels
     of lactic acid in these three men.  They are suffering
     from massive cramps throughout their entire bodies.

Wesley: Data, why is it getting dark?  I thought it was
     evening, but our shadows are all wrong for that.

Data: We appear to be experiencing a solar eclipse.
|     Processing . . . Captain, we appear to be observing a
|     solar eclipse, however the existence of the full-moon
|     would contraindicate such an event. I have deduced that
|     this time is in the Earth's history at approximately 30 AD.
|     the darkness is enough for several of the major celestial 
|     bodies to be observable.  By extrapolating
     backwards from the known location of the celestial
     bodies in our era, I was able to ascertain the most
     likely dates for this phenomenon to manifest itself
     over Israel.  This, combined with the information
     gleaned earlier about the Caesars . . .

Riker: Data?

Data: Yes sir, I know.  You wish me to shut up.

Riker: Please.

Preacher: (dry, raspy voice) My God, My God, why have you
     forsaken me?

Troi: Such despair!  Will, we must do something to help him!

Green: We can't, counselor.  He's dying.

Troi: But I feel the anguish he's going through--it's so
     extreme!  It's like the joy I felt at his birth, but in
     reverse.  I'm feeling his death cries, and they're so
     tragic!

Picard: We can't interfere.  Even if we could, I wouldn't
     allow it.  The Prime Directive--

Riker: Our own history--

Green: The will of God.

All: What?

Green: Don't you understand?  He has to die.  Mankind is in
     a fallen state, and needs God's mercy.  God's justice
     is too demanding for us to get in our own merit, so He
     needed somebody who was willing to take our punishment
     on himself.  Someone who was innocent, and undeserving
     of God's wrath.

Riker: You mean like this preacher?

Green: That's *exactly* what I mean.  He hasn't done
     anything wrong. He's obeyed God perfectly, which means
     he's the only one capable of paying for our wrongs.  He
     dies in our place, we can receive forgiveness in his
     name.

Worf: I believe I understand.  This man is indeed a Klingon
     of valor. For a righteous man, a few may dare to die.
     But for the unrighteous, no one would die.  He has
     shown himself to be a better Klingon and a better
     warrior than me.

Picard: Data, there is a sign above his head with writing on
     it.  Can you read it?

Data: It is written in three different languages, captain.
     They appear to be Latin, classic Greek, and Aramaic.
     They all translate as "Joshua of Nazareth, the King of
     the Jews."  I am afraid I do not understand the
     significance of this, captain.  It was customary for
     the Romans to list a man's crime on his crucifix. How
     is his position as king relevant?

Green: That's his crime, Data.  The Jews' only king was God.

     This man was God in human form.  That was too offensive
     for some.  So they crucified him.

[Worf advances to the foot of the cross.]

Worf: (showing emotion) Joshua, son of God, I admit to you
     that I am fallen from what I should be.  I accept your
     sacrifice for me, and commit myself to your service.
     Thank you.

[Some blood drips onto Worf from above.  He breaks down in
tears.  Hey, so he lied about Klingons' not crying, OK?  He
also lied about Klingons not playing with toys and not
taking hostages.]

Joshua: Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit.  It is
     finished.

Data: Solar eclipse is now complete.

[There is a sudden roar as an earthquake rocks the ground
and a bitter storm breaks out, pelting the bridge crew with
rain.  People all around them scream, especially the two
other men crucified on either side of Joshua.  Q reappears
in a flash.]

Data: Tricorder readings indicate that Joshua has died,
     captain.

Q: What do you think, Jean-Luc?  Are you beginning to
     understand?

Picard: Q!  Take us out of here!  Now!

Q: As you wish, mon captaine.

[The scenery flashes brilliantly and the bridge crew find
themselves outside a cave.  Four men stand outside the cave,
two are awake and alert.  It is dark, but growing steadily
brighter.]

Riker: Where are we now?

Data: We are not far from the hill where we just stood.  We
     appear to be outside the city beside a cave, which is
     being blocked by a huge boulder and guarded by four
     Roman soldiers.  The cave also has the seal of the
     Roman governor on it.  Breaking it is tantamount to
     suicide, as the offender will be crucified.

Wesley: Ugh!  I'd hate to break it.

Picard: I really don't understand this.  What has this to do
     with Christmas?

Q: Getting confused, Picard?  Feeling challenged?  You heard
     about all this before, but you treated it like a fairy
     tale.  It's not; it's history.  I'm not making any of
     this up, the writer isn't making any of this up.  This
     happened outside Jerusalem in the year 30 AD.  Just
     watch, Picard, and think.  He claimed to be the Son of
     God.  This moment, more than any other, will verify or
     deny that.  And if he is the Son of God, you have some
     thinking to do.

Worf: I believe I know what happens next.  He is a mightier
     warrior than death, is he not, ensign?

Green: He is, Worf.  That's how we know we're forgiven.

[There is a brilliant flash of light.  The Roman guards see
it and fall as though dead, they are so terrified.  A figure
appears at the mouth of the cave, seizes the stone, and
tosses it up the hillside a good thirty feet where it comes
to rest.]

Wesley: How can he do that?  That's impossible!  That
     boulder must weigh tons!

[As the sun rises up in the east and brings a new day to
Israel, a second figure appears in the cave, simply garbed.
He is scarred on his forehead, wrists, and apparently his
side.]

Picard: Impossible!  One just doesn't get up after being
     dead!

Green: Most don't, captain, but One did.

Riker: But how?

Worf: He *is* the Son of God.  Joshua, I salute you.

Joshua: Thank you, Worf.

Riker: You can hear us?

Joshua: Of course, commander.  Q is not as powerful as you
     think, or as powerful as he likes to pretend.

Wesley: But how?

Joshua: Wesley, you saw me die.  And now you have seen me
     rise from the dead.  I am the Son of God.  Do you
     believe this?

Wesley: I--I do, Lord.  Forgive me.

[Wesley falls down at Joshua's feet.]

Worf: I, too, believe you, Lord.

Green: And I.

[They join Wesley at Joshua's feet.]

Q: And I.  Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me.

[Q joins Green, Wesley, and Worf.]

Joshua: And you Will?  Deanna?  Jean-Luc?

Riker: I . . . have seen much, Joshua.  I must consider what
     I have seen before I do anything.

Joshua: Very well.  The time has come for you to return to
     the Enterprise.  If you look for me there, you will
     find me.

[The scenery changes again.  Q vanishes with it.  They find
themselves back on the bridge.]

Pulaski: It's hard to believe, but I think he'll pull
     through it.

Commander Walnut: How did this happen anyway?

Pulaski: He mouthed off to the writer.

Picard: Are we back?

Pulaski: Yes, you're back.  I can't believe the nerve of you
     people, anyway--running off like that when Geordi just
     got run over by a horde of elephants.

Riker: Captain . . . I . . . I have to confess something.

Picard: What is it, Will?

Riker: Seeing all that about Joshua has really convicted me
     of my dishonesty.  It's time I owned up.  My name isn't
     really "William T. Riker."  I changed my name, and I
     changed my appearance, but I'm still me.

[Riker pulls off his beard and moustache and then grabs his
uniform and tears it to pieces, revealing a gold uniform
underneath.  Then, getting a glass of water from the food
synthesizer, he dumps it on his hair and lets all the color
run out, revealing it to be blond.]

Picard: No!  You can't be!

Riker: Yes.  I'm really Captain James T Kirk.  I'm sorry for
     the deception, but after the Star Trek V fiasco, I felt
     it was a good idea to go into hiding.

Data: Fascinating!  I had hoped, dreamed, but never really
     thought that it could be you!  Jim!

Picard: Data, what?

[Data grabs his face and pulls it off, revealing it to be a
plastic mask which conceals his true identity.  Once
removed, we see a familiar face with pointed ears and
straight black hair.]

Kirk: Spock!  It *is* you!

Commander Walnut: This is getting silly.

Pulaski: Incredible!  Jim, Spock--it's me!  Bones!

[Pulaski pulls off her hair, mask, and uniform, and there
stands McCoy, in his familiar blue uniform.]

Kirk: Incredible--Bones!  I had no idea!

Spock: Fascinating!

[Guinan walks onto the bridge.]

Guinan: I don't believe this!  Mr Spock, sugah, it's me--
     Uhura!

[Uhura removes her disguise.]

Picard: This is too much.  Am I to believe that my entire
     senior staff is really the entire bridge crew of
     Captain Kirk?

LaForge: (delirious) Och cap'n, I canna give ye anymore!
     The dilithium crystals just canna take the strain!  I
     can't change the laws of physics!

Kirk: Scotty!

Uhura: Captain, we're receiving a message from deck
     seventeen.  One of the Arbolians is suffering from
     advanced rootrot.

Kirk: Bones, go see if you can help.

McCoy:  Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a tree surgeon!

Commander Walnut:  As I always suspected.

Picard: This is too much.

Wesley: Captain, if you like I can lay in a course to take
     us off the air.

Picard: By all means.  Warp nine.

Wesley: Course laid in, sir.

Picard: Engage!




[The author of this parody happily waives all rights
pertaining to copyright.  Feel free to add or subtract from
this parody as you feel appropriate.  This parody was
originally written to glorify God, and it is asked that any
changes be made with the same attitude of reverence.]


Eric W Haynes  ([email protected])
Drama, Worship Resources, Christian Sites to Be Seen,
            Software for the Net
http://www.cadvision.com/Home_Pages/accounts/haynese/
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sites to Be Seen (over 1000 "clicakble" locations cross referenced)
http://www.cadvision.com/Home_Pages/accounts/haynese/SITES.HTM
----------------------------------------------------------------
Drama Consortium:
http://www.cadvision.com/Home_Pages/accounts/haynese/ZDRAMA.HTML
--------------------------------------------------------------
Our registered Site: 
http://www.cadvision.com/Home_Pages/accounts/haynese/ZDRAMA777.HTML
                 "An Eye For A Tooth" (Transylvanian)
    

    IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? 
    
    1)  No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000
    species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
    these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
    reindeer which only  Santa has ever seen. 
    
    2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  BUT
    since  Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
    Buddhist  children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
    million  according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average
    (census)rate of 3.5  children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. 
    One presumes there's at  least one good child in each.
    
    3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
    different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
    east to  west(which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per
    second. This  is to say that for each Christian household with good
    children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the
    sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
    remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left,
    get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
    next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
    distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but
    for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now
    talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
    miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
    every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is
    moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For
    purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the
    Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a
    conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
    
    4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. 
    Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
    (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
    who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional
    reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying
    reindeer" (see point #1) could  pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we
    cannot do the job with eight, or even  nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer. 
    This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh
    - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the
    weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
     
    5)  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
    resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
    spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of
    reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second. 
    Each.  In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
    exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in
    their wake.The entire  reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
    thousandths of a second.  Santa,  meanwhile, will be subjected to
    centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater  than gravity.  A 250-pound
    Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be  pinned to the back of his
    sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
    
    In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
    he's   dead now.
    

                HEAVEN IS HOTTER THAN HELL
    
    The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
    authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
    the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
    the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
    radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
    as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
    receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
    Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
    heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
    the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
    heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
    radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
    earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
    cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
    fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
    burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
    that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
    have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
                    -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
    

>          <<< Note 18.527 by OUTSRC::HEISER "watchman on the wall" >>>
>                        -< with sidewinders on it ;-) >-

>    Paul, you need to design a Sleigh like that for the FLIGHT hangar.

    FLIGHT!  Did someone say FLIGHT???  I sure do miss that gam..., er,
    network demonstration software.  We are not allowed to have it on our
    clusters and I haven't flown or developed any aircraft in quite a while
    for FLIGHT.

    Ron

    hey James,
    
    we could mount phasers and photon torps to a sleigh for that other
    gam... uh... network load testing software Netrek ;')

wot about an army of elves?

Ron, sometime I have GOT to show you the PBY-Catalina I put together.

Paul

><<< Note 18.534 by PAULKM::WEISS "For I am determined to know nothing, except..." >>>

>Ron, sometime I have GOT to show you the PBY-Catalina I put together.

    Paul,

    I would love to see it.  Maybe I'll get back east some time and we can
    get together for lunch.

    Ron

    We modified the Ultralight once to carry phasers so we could do battle
    with the Enterprise.

Do you ever still play with it, Mike?  Did you ever install V3.1?

I've run a simulation and done some dogfighting with someone in Atlanta, and
the response was reasonably good.

BTW, the Enterprise now has radar-locked phasers and true warp speed, so I
doubt that even a phaser-carrying Ultralight could deal with it.

Paul

    It's been a while.  Current version on OUTSRC is the 3.0 FT release.
    
    I'm a HOME person now without SLIP access so I can't play it even if I
    had the time and a partner.  Maybe when they give me a real system to
    do my job and I get some free time.
    
    Mike

A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates'
infamous new home.  The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the
interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him.  In fact, this guy was
so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that
he just got up one day and took his own life.

He reappeared at the gates of heaven where St. Peter was sitting with his
clipboard.  Nervously he walked up to St. Peter.  "Ah", St. Peter said,
"you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry,
you're in heaven now. Everything is allright.  "Still quivering, the poor
architect said: "At last! that's wonderful.  But please promise me that
Bill Gates won't appear here."

St. Peter let out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic? You know what they
say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ... "Then,
suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appeared.  The poor
architect fell into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never
find a place in heaven, but it's him."

St. Peter turned around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God; he
just thinks he's Bill Gates ..."

    How many 'd's in "Rudolph the Red-Nose Rain Deer" ? :')

 3?

    I count two.

eesh..

    110
    
    
    (to the tune...)
    
    de de de de de de-dee
    
    de-de-de-de-de-de dee
    
    (etc. :')

From Dave Barry's latest "Mr Language Person" article:

Q.As an attorney, I wish to know the correct legal way to say "I don't know."
A. There is no legal way for an attorney to say this.
Q. Thank you.
A. That will be $400.

    
    	Two I heard last week:
    
    
    	I know a man with three daughters.  He was going to name
    	them Shirley, Goodness, and Mercy, but he was afraid they'd
    	never leave him all the days of his life.
    
    
    	*******************************************************
    
    	A rich man was dying, and when the angel of death appeared,
    	he begged to be allowed to take something with him to heaven.
    
    	After much pleading by the rich man, the angel agreed that the
    	man could take one thing to heaven.  The man loaded up a suitcase
    	with gold bouillon.
    
    	When they arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter asked about the
    	suitcase.  The angel explained, and St. Peter asked the rich
    	man if he could see what he brought.  The rich man opened the
    	suitcase, and St. Peter said, "You brought pavement ??"
    
    

    RE: .546
    
    Excellent, Karen!  With that, I'm outta here.

--------------------------------------
[forwards deleted]

Subj:	Toast anyone?

CEO document contents:

If IBM made toasters...
  They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
  submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
  market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
  Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
  toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have
  to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
  requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
  power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
  claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or
  dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your
  other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate
  Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
  good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
  It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
  earlier.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
  "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
  toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
  It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
  morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
  department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints
  for the box would be highly classified government documents. The
  X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
  Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
  access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
  national security.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
  They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
  They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
  and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
  Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than
  the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
  attached to a your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
  Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of
  your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...
  They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
  single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
  You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the
  same time.

If Timex made toasters...
  They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
  take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
  The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
  it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own
  toaster.

If K-Tel sold toasters...
  They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set
  of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
  They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

If the PQ made toasters...
  They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the
  appliances.

    Last one not understood... what is PQ?

Actually, I don't know (or understand the joke) either.  I was just passing
on what I received and hoped that it would have meaning to at least someone
who read it.

Paul

    now _that's_ funny :')

It's only the 'PQ' part I didn't understand.

I leaned back in my chair an laughed for 5 minutes over "Does Dec still make
toasters?"

Paul

The PQ stands for Parti Quebecois. They are the political party in Quebec that
advocates seperation from the rest of Canada.

Ben 

Ahhh!!! Thanks Ben!  Not just a case of being on the right (or left, as you 
look down) side of the Atlantic, but above the 49th parallel, etc...

								&rew

Seen on a bumper sticker this week:

If God is your Co-Pilot...
    Switch Seats!

    
    	I *love* it!
    

<Forwards deleted>

[ Article reposted from talk.atheism ]
[ Author was Andy Gray ]
[ Posted on 1 Mar 1996 13:32:54 -0800 ]

(Special thanks to the guys on alt.atheism.)

Given that there is a lot of discussion about whether or not our LAN
really does have a System Administrator, and given that no empirical
evidence of the existence or non-existence of the System Administrator is
extant, I thought it would be helpful to have a frank and open discussion
about the issues surrounding the concept.

Here are some popular arguments:

Argument from Design:
   1. One looks at a simple computer, and sees evidence of intelligent
      design.
   2. One looks at a Sun Sparc 20 and... um... well... Okay, One looks
      at a DEC Alpha and sees evidence of intelligent design.
   3. It is therefore likely that something created them.
   4. One looks at the network and sees evidence of intelligent design.
   5. It is therefore likely that something created it.  That something
      is the System Administrator.

Counter-argument:
   1. If you think the network implies intelligent design, you haven't
      seen *our* network.
   2. Even assuming this proves the existence of a System Administrator,
      there's no evidence the System Administrator is intelligent.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
First Causes argument:
   1. When my computer comes on, it is because I turned it on.  My
      computer cannot turn itself on.
   2. When I turn my computer on and connect to the network, the network
      is already there waiting for me.
   3. I know I did not activate the network.
   4. Therefore, something must have caused the network to exist.
   5. That something could be the Router, but then what installed the
      Router?
   6. That something must be the System Administrator.

Counter-argument:
   1. So what caused the System Administrator?
   2. Still doesn't prove the System Administrator is intelligent.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Argument from Popularity:
   1. Almost everyone believes that the System Administrator exists.
      Those who don't believe He exists are in the minority.
   2. Many respected people claim to have received email from Him.
   3. In almost any company since the dawn of the Computer Age, there
      has been some form of System Administrator myth.
   4. Given the universality of the myths, it is unlikely that such
      myths are not based on truth.

Counter-argument:
   1. Most users are clueless morons who need to believe in the Great
      Benevolent Super-User, and that He protects and watches over
      their data.
   2. So who's to say it's the System Admin that HR claims to have hired?
      Why not Brian Kernighan or Cliff Stoll, or Zeus, or Thor or any
      other such mythical creature?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Argument from Authority:
   1. Management insists that the System Administrator exists.
      Specifically:
            a. HR insists that they hired Him
            b. Accounting claims to have PO's signed by Him
            c. MIS has the The Big Book of Documentation, written by
               Him or His disciples.

Counter-argument:
   1. Since when has Management known what they were doing?
   2. Using the Big Book of Documentation as proof that the BBoD was
      written by the System Administrator is circular.  It could be
      a fabrication.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Cartesian Argument:

   1. No user can create a more Super account than he himself possesses.
   2. No user can grant greater system privileges than he himself possesses.
   3. All users have heard of the root account, and that the root
      account is omnipotent and possesses all privileges.
   4. Since the concept of the root account is greater than the accounts
      possessed by the users, the users cannot have created the concept of
      the root account.  Therefore the concept of the root account must come
      from something that possesses those privileges.
   5. There is an entry for 'root' in /etc/passwd.
   6. The root account can only have been created by the Super User, the
      System Administrator.

Counter-argument:
   1. Statement 1 is a dubious premise.
   2. The existence of the root account is not proof that anyone ever
      logs into that account.
   3. Still doesn't prove that the System Admin is intelligent.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Ontological Proof:
   1. Given: The property of existence is more Super than the property of
      non-existence.
   2. The SysAdmin is defined as "a user, than which no more Super user
      can be conceived".
   3. No matter how great a Super User you can conceive which possesses
      the property of non-existence, you can then add the property of
      existence and make the Super User even more Super.
   4. Therefore, the System Administrator exists.

Counter-argument:
   1. Rests on a dubious definition of what is and is not Super.
   2. The concept of a Super User is nowhere near analogous to the Super
      User itself. I can conceive of something, but that's only the concept
      of it, not the thing itself.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Spinozist Argument:

   1. The System Administrator is defined as the most perfect user possible.
   2. The property of necessary existence means that anything which
      possesses it must necessarily exist.
   3. If existence is better than non-existence (see the ontological
      proof), then necessary existence is better still.
   4. Any perfect user must possess the property of necessary existence.
   5. Therefore the System Administrator must necessarily exist.

However:
   6. Being perfect, the System Administrator cannot make mistakes,
      delete the wrong account, trash the root directory, mess up a
      tape load, etc.
   7. Being perfect, the System Administrator can not be capable of
      goal-directed action, because such action would imply that the
      network is somehow less than perfect in its current state.
   8. Therefore, the System Administrator is really more of a force of
      nature within the system.
   9. Arguably, then the System Administrator *is* the system itself.

Counter-argument:
   1. None, since the System Administrator has been defined to the
      point where it is a totally useless concept, there's no point
      in arguing.

At least this resolves one of the major issues: the Spinozist
argument proves that *if* the System Administrator does exist,
it cannot be intelligent.


----- End of forwarded message -----

    I got this in the mail yesterday, I thought you all might enjoy some
    humor.                                                    
    
    Marriage Quotes!!
         
    Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to
    his success.
    - Jim Backus
         
    I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
    be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
    - David Bissonette
         
    I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. 
    - Noel Coward, 1956 
         
    A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
         
    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
    him keep her.
    - Sacha Guitry
         
    Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
    - Lisa Hoffman
         
    She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before
    she finds one.
    - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
         
    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
    Europe.
    - Jackie Mason
         
    Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
    in, and those inside desperate to get out.
    - Montaigne
         
    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
    get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing
    for any man.
    - Socrates
         
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
    spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    - Lana Turner
         
    Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
    - Mae West
         
    Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence, Life Sentence!!.
         
    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
    marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
         
    Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
    when they try to decide which one.
         
    Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
         
    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
    the 'Y' becomes silent.
         
    Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry
    someone that you cannot live without.
         
    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
         
    If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
    you say, talk in your sleep.
         
    
    
    Jill

The pastor finished a particularly formidable sermon, and was greeting the
parishoners on the way out, receiving their compliments and comments.  One of
the parishoners said that the sermon "reminded him of the peace and mercy of
God."

Fishing for more compliments, the pastor asked "Oh?  In what way?"

"Well," replied the parishoner.  "Like the peace of God, it passed all
understanding.  And like the mercy of God, it seemed to endure forever."

    I got this one through email I thought it was rather funny.
    
    Subject: Thinker's Anonymous
    
    
    It started out innocently enough.  I began to think at parties now and
    then to loosen up.  Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
    soon I was more than just a social thinker.
    
    I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
    wasn't true.  Thinking became more and more important to me, and
    finally I was thinking all the time.
    
    I began to think on the job.  I knew that thinking and employment
    don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
    
    I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
    Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
    "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
    
    Things weren't going so great at home either.  One evening I had
    turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.  She
    spent that night at her mother's.
    
    I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.  One day the boss called
    me in.  He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but
    your thinking has become a real problem.  If you don't stop thinking
    on the job, you'll have to find another job."  This gave me a lot to
    think about.
    
    I came home early after my conversation with the boss.  "Honey," I
    confessed, "I've been thinking..."
    
    "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
    
    "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
    
    "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.  "You think as much as
    college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if
    you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
    
    "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to
    cry. I'd had enough.  "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I
    stomped out the door.
    
    I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS
    station on the radio.  I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the
    big glass doors... they didn't open.  The library was closed.
    
    To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
    night.
    
    As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
    Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.  "Friend, is heavy thinking
    ruining your life?" it asked.  You probably recognize that line.  It
    comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
    
    Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.  I never miss
    a TA meeting.  At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last
    week it was "Porky's."  Then we share experiences about how we avoided
    thinking since the last meeting.
    
    I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.  Life just
    seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
    

    A couple of jokes for the chess-heads.
    
    First, and easy one...
    
    When is a pawn not a pawn?
    
    When he makes it to the end of the board, and becomes a King.
    
    And now, a hard one...
    
    In what game did the Grandmaster sacrifice the King, and still win the
    game?
    
    I'll give you the answer to this one later. If you don't guess it that
    is. 8-)
    
    Bob

    
    Yes, you're right Barry. You're absolutely right. It was a trick
    question. The answer I have is "Not in this life" 8-)
    
    Bob

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The # of The Beast
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 96 4:30:04 EDT

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

$665.95        - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25        - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95        - Price of the Beast with all accessories and 
		 replacement soul
$656.66        - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh... what
was that number
again?         - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666          - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts!  One-on-one pacts!  Call Now!
                 Only $6.66/minute.  Over 18 only please.
Route 666      - Highway of the Beast
666 F          - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k           - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 %         - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National 
		 Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686         - CPU of the Beast
666i           - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666        - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668            - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

--
Selected by Jim Griffith.  MAIL your joke to [email protected].

    That's really funny John!!! I liked that a LOT!
    
    And now, the answer to the question in .561:
    
    In what game did the Grandmaster sacrifice the King, and still win the
    game?
    
    The game of life! No not the board game. Life. Why do I think that?
    Well the Grandmaster is God the Father, The King is Jesus, and His war
    with satan is related to chess in a way, but God's opponent is infinitely
    outmatched. Kind of like Antoly Karpov playing a game against a player
    who just learned how to play. 
    
    People tell me not to say "BOO!" to the devil. I guess they don't know
    I read the verse where it says; "Greater is HE that is in me, than he
    that is in the world." And not only read the verse, but by God's Grace,
    took it to heart.
    
    In His Grace, By His Love,
    
    Bob

    Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?
    
    He was looking for Pooh!