Conference quark::mennotes-v1

	
	Your ex-Wife sounds alot like my ex-girlfriend....Four years of
	a very serious relationship that just seemed to...well you know.

	She too is a very ambitious, successfull, hard working women.  I 
	do not know about your ex- but mine seemed to be so wrapped up in
	what she wanted to accomplish and what she needed to do to get 
	there....she forgot how short here stay on this planet really is!  
	
	Don't get me wrong....she was always fun to be with...very active,
	very caring....but...she was too independent for her own good.
	Always an ear...never wanted anyone to know that things may be 
	going wrong in HER life....never, that is....until it was TOO late.

	...Then she seemed to "explode" with emotions....I would just sit	
	back and get angry that she never mentioned anything until it had
    	all added up enough that she needed to break down...  and like the
	first reply to your note said....who better, than the one person 
	who seems to know her best..the one person she IS willing to show	
	that she is HUMAN to.

	You asked why "you"?...I believe .1 hit this issue on the head..
	You asked why "now"?...Like you said...all of her single friends
	are now married...Maybe she just has noone to "relate" to anymore
	and you are her natural default...? 

	Just a thought...

	Mike

         I was not going to enter a reply here, since I do not have
         direct experience with the question in -.0.  However, the
         response in -.1 is, to my mind, a cold analysis of the
         situation. 

         Everyone grows up in stages, regardless of chronological age.
         This happens to some people sooner, some later, some never,
         and to some only after a watershed event in their life.  It
         sounds like your ex is going through a particularly painful
         period of emotional growth, perhaps sparked by the incident
         with your son.  The fact is that there are very few people in
         one's life that qualify for the sharing of intimate emotions.
         It would be a very rare friend that I could imagine in that
         role.  One is mainly limited to one's parents, one's siblings
         (hopefully), and after ten years to one's mate -- or ex-mate.
         You can call it "dumping" if you like, but knowing what an
         emotional load can feel like, I'd use a less critical term. 

         Tony      
         

    .0
    
    Loneliness could have something to do with it. There is also a group of
    people that retain something of the bond even after a breakup. I've met
    and talked to several of them. The stereotype of divorced couples
    hating each others guts and continually battling it out isn't
    necessarily true. That bonding remnant doesn't mean you will get back
    together but after all..... weren't you her best friend for a long
    time? Who knows her best? Who can she trust, from experience?
    
    Me too.

My most recent ex is still one of my best friends.  I find that I go 
to him when I have a problem, because he "knows me best."  Part of me 
is a bit irked that I still go to him (I say to myself, "Get another 
lover, will you..."), but part of me feels fine about it.  We invested 
a lot of time and effort into getting as close as we could; we broke 
up because we weren't in the same place around commitment and 
partnership.

I have never gotten "back together" with an ex.  There is something 
about it that doesn't feel right, the idea of trying to "go back."  
With the closeness I share with my ex, I sometimes wonder if I should 
give it another shot (though a strong inner voice is always there to 
say "no").

Just some thoughts...



							--Gerry

    It is very true that I was her best friend a long ago...but was replaced
    by girlfriends living the "glamorous life".I had some idea that there were
    other very painful and deep things she had not dealt with...would not
    deal with...just covered it with the outer trapping that success can
    provide. When I was there,I got no response to my questions,yet would
    keep her informed of my state.Now I have to fend for myself emotionally
    something I am just starting to get good at again.Dumping is a very
    harsh term for it...but fits just the same.She needed her space,and 
    control...fine!!...that is what I gave her.Now two years later it is
    time to share this with the man who was there and is no more??Friends
    once?...yes...Again? I am not sure if I can handle another roller
    coaster ride with an 80"s woman,as friend or S.O..Balancing demands
    of friends career and the needs of a relationship does not seem 
    to possible for most that is the sad part about it....I still care
    but will not have the scars opened again......It's a case of self
    preservation,no more for the kid.It's funny because I tried to hate
    the lady....impossible.....too much time together.Tried to keep 
    the day to day conversation to a minimum...not on her agenda. She has
    to stay involved in my world and I in her if nothing else then as an
    observer.Only her opinion mattered at that point what she needed to be 
    happy.....Now it's...what do you think?I hope this does not sound angry
    (probably does)but this is the first time I have ever written any of
    this down and looked at it.The anger left awhile back....what is left
    is only me and a long road back to some sort of emotional freedom
    without having to try to support a woman that did not want the support
    then but seems to want it now...will I still be that ear yes most
    likely.Why?....old habits are hard to break....thanks guys for
    listening....the ladies of the conference are quiet on this topic
    something i did not expect...tks again
    							Russell