Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Skip,
    
    Since his mother is "too busy" to deal with your son's emotional
    well-being, perhaps his school could provide some help.  Why 
    don't you give the Guidance Councellor or even his teacher a call
    and see what they recommend.
    
    It must be very painful (and frustrating) for you to be so far away,
    especially during the holiday season.
    
    Warmest Wishes!

    Skip,
    
    	hug?
    
    E Grace

This is a tough one, Skip.  My son is now 7, and I've had several opportunities
in the past to do what you've done, but my situation is likely different
than yours and I made different choices.  Even now, with my son being away from
me half the time, for 2-3 week intervals, it's hard.  Children this age
can't see anything other than "Daddy's not here".  Abstracts such as making
more money for support just don't register with them.

It doesn't help that your ex is not more supportive of your efforts, but
there's likely little you can do about it unless you decide to go for
full custody.  However, counselling for young children is generally
frowned upon unless it's "whole family counselling".  And indeed, it may
just make matters worse.

It's important to find ways to show your son that you still love him and want
to be with him as much as you can.  Write him letters, call, visit when you
can, have him visit too.  Try hard not to antagonize your ex, since she
is in control.

I know the feeling of helplessness, Skip.  Some concrete suggestions:

	1.  Seek counselling for yourself - EAP is free.  You need
	    it as much as your son does.
	2.  Join a support organization such as PWP and/or FAIR.

			Steve (who's been at this for 4 years now)

    make video tapes of yourself and send them to him so he can see and
    here his daddy....this is only a temporary fix I am sure , but I am
    also positive it would be well received by your son, even at his young
    age...
    
    
    Tracie.

    
    
    Send him notes or postcards.  Most young kids love to receive mail,
    and it would be extra special because it was from Dad.
    
    This is a problem that my boyfriend has with his daugter who just
    does not like to talk on the phone.  So every week we pick up a special
    little card or postcard and send it along to her.  Some we know she
    gets because she will tell us she has received them, some we just
    don't know about.  
    
    Michele

    Tape recordings are another way to stay in touch.  Both of you can
    make them easily, and they mail well.  That way you can share thoughts,
    favorite songs, jokes, stories that remind you of each other, and
    all for relatively little expense.
    
    Good luck, Skip.
    Karen

    I second all the suggestions you've received thus far Skip.  I
    especially know that children do LOVE to receive mail and there
    is such a wonderful variety of little things you can send with
    special thoughts from you to him.
    
    From your words I know this is a difficult time and I empathize.
    Take good care,
    
    Kb

    Put a 'T' shirt in the mail that says, "I love my Dad!". Send him
    ballons with messages on it, entire letters and "I love You" on it.
    Pictures of yourself and your enviorment. VCR tapes of youself.
    Send for him for vacation.
    	
    	 Perhaps find a job that pays well, maybe
    not as well as your doing now, but enough to get by and be with him.
    I have had this thought for sometime. At least your in thier lives, 
    and there is that parental guidance. Maybe the money isn't there but
    what is more inportant? This life you have alone, away from your child? 
    Not seeing them grow? Not seeing them experience lifes things that 
    we take for granted? Or getting by where you are?? I am not trying
    to get into your head and do a scramble to it. But I am in a similar
    nature and its no fun. And I have gone through all the movements
    thinking what is the best thing to do. 
    
    	I guess there is no real solutions, even indecisions are decisions.
    I have been told this cold one, that this is the problem of the 
    twentith century. Yes, it is! But there are things we can do to
    make their lives better. 
    
    Gotta stop rambling here....
    
    George

    UMM... I would like to point out to everyone that I moved up here in
    October.  I'm happy here (except for my son being somewhere so far from 
    me) and content with what I am doing and how I feel about myself
    (something I havn't been for a long LONG time.) The move was prompted
    by a LOT of things and when all things were balanced out... it was the 
    best thing for me to do.  I don't LIKE that I had to leave him behind.
    But with everything to consider (including my own mental health) this
    was the best thing for me... I am going to be having him during
    alternated Christmas...Easter...and Thanksgiving holidays as well as 
    Summer vacation... eventually I hope to be able to move him out with me 
    permanent.  Until then it is important that he knows how much I care
    about him... the vidio idea is GOOD but I'll have to find a video
    camera I can use first... (No problem). 
    
    Thanks (so far)
    
    SKip

    
    Skip,
    
    	I don't respond here a lot, but I can relate to this topic.  My
    boys' father is even farther away...he's in Hawaii and I'm in New
    England.  So, I will give you this from my boys side.....
    
    	Stay in touch as much as you can.  Anything that keeps the contact
    going...letters, phone calls, cards...all the previous suggestions. 
    The other real important one to my boys is....DO NOT make promises you
    can't keep.  Their dad did that this summer when he came to visit. 
    They were promised all sorts of stuff and none of it happened.  About
    all he did with them was take them shopping.  They are both very angry
    with their dad for the promises broken.
    
    	Good luck.
    
    Faith
    

    I second the motion for funny little cards, tape recorded messages from
    Daddy - little things that can be sent that are special.  If he hears
    from you often enough - and with little things that you sent around
    him, it may make the transition easier for him to deal with.  
    
    I also send a hug too Skip :^)  
    
    Lynne
    

The most important thing you can do is tell your son as often as you can that
you'll always be there for him, even if you're not nearby.  Children this
age (and others) may feel abandoned, may feel the split was their fault, and
may not tell you all of what they are feeling.  I've gone through all of this
with my son.

It is hard on the parents and triply hard on the child.  Patience, understanding
and lots of love will help.  Nothing will make all the pain go away.

You know in your heart that you did what is best for your son.  Keep that
thought with you.  He may not appreciate it now, but he may later.  Make
sure he knows that you're still his Daddy and he's still your son, and that
you love him very, very much.

The pain of a parent in this situation is indescribable.  But at least we
as adults can rationalize most of it.  Children have a much harder time
understanding what has happened and why.  They don't understand why Daddy
and Mommy can't just stay together, and will show anger at the world not
going the way they want it to.  

Take it from one who's been there (and is STILL there) - you'll have to
deal with this issue for many years to come.  Don't give up, and don't ever
stop being a Daddy.

				Steve

    Skip,
    
    I really know how you feel.  I'm living in Geneva where my son and
    ex-wife live. My son is only 3�. When I leave here, I may get to see
    him 6 weeks every summer and two weeks at Christmas, and I'll be about
    10,000 miles away, since home is California.
    
    I see him half time now, and he has made it through the difficulties so
    far with absolutely flying colors. Sure it's been hard on him and he
    wants to know why mama and papa aren't together. But he feels loved, he
    gets real attention, we have fun... these things are irreplacable and I
    also wonder how to compensate for them once I leave.
    
    One thing did strike me about what you wrote. Your son seems to be
    reacting by needing and wanting you to be there, which is of course
    understandable. It sounds to me, though, that his intense reaction may
    have a lot to do with anger that still exists between you and your ex.
    One common thing that happens is that parents focus on their kid's
    "problem", when in fact that "problem" is just a symptom of a wider
    group dynamic (i.e., between you and your wife). I would suggest not
    focussing too much on your kid's problem, but just show him you love
    him and be supportive. At the same time, go full steam ahead to resolve
    any problems you may have with your ex. That is obviously the most
    difficult thing to do. When there is lingering anger and hostility
    between the parents, it is the kids who suffer and manifest "problems".
    I am convinced that my son is doing so well because I have tried to
    resolve anger with my ex, and we have succeeded, by and large.
    
    You may want to read "Dance of Anger" and "Dance of Intimacy" by
    Harriet Lerner, I believe. Both are very good.
    
    Best of Luck. This is really tough stuff!!!
    
    Theo