Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    	My ex spouse was indeed having an affair (more like affairs)
    and I quess had been having them off and on for several years.
    Deep inside I quess I knew what was going on but didn't realy want
    to admit it to myself.  When ever I would try to discuss the matter
    with her, she would basicaly say well yes, but it was along time
    ago, it will never happen again, etc.  Eventualy one of her co workers
    called me and basicaly told me that she was having an affair with
    another co worker. It was hard to believe (actualy hard to believe,
    only because I didn't want to believe it was happening again). 
    	To directly answer the question, yes I would want to know, and
    if that information came from a coworker then such is the same.
    I think the only stipulation I would say is that I would want to
    her it from someone that cared (hated to see another person
    treated/lied to in that manner) rather then from someone that had
    the intent of hurting someone, like the other persons spouse.  It
    would make it a little easier to accept/believe because there would
    not be that elimate of hatred involved. 

I thought that I would want too... Then I found out... Then I wished I had
never asked the question.

Ignorance is bliss.  Now when involved in a relationship, I expect fidelity
if that is not forthcoming I would at leats expect that the affair was 
kept quiet enough that I did not find out.

From one that's once burnt twice shy.

Andy

I'd want to know.  Then I would want to fix things up or split.
Easy for me to say, while sitting here at the terminal.

Interesting reading: OPTIONS, by Marcia Seligson

Seligson spent a year researching and interviewing people involved in 
marriages with three or more partners.  Most of the multi-marriages 
came about because a spouse was having an affair and did not want to
end the marriage or the affair.

The book also says a lot about people's emotional response to a partner's
affair.  (The Number One response is "the unknown lover is a God, while I
myself am a dull, ugly peasant.") 

On a scale of 1-10, this books get a 12.          Meigs

    In reference to 524.2
    If an affair was occuring why would you not want to know about it.
    I very well understand the pain associated with finding out the
    truth about an affair, But is not the pain of the uncertainty, and
    the pain of the lie just additional pain to be added to the pain
    you will recieve when you eventualy find out, and indeed eventualy
    you will find out.

    Suppose a friend of yours knows about an affair of your spouse
    but doesn't feel (s)he should interfere by telling you.
    
    You finally find out about the affair. How do you feel toward that
    friend when you find out (s)he has known all along? 
    
    (The friend is not the correspondant.)

       It's like an insect in the food at a restaurant.
       
       If there's just one fly that managed to find its way into the
       salad and everything else about the restaurant is fine, then I'd
       be better off not knowing about and noticing the little bugger.
       On the other hand, if unwelcome intruders kept showing up on a
       routine basis, I'd just as soon know about it right away in order
       to avoid such an unhealthy and unappetizing place. 
       
       --Mr Topaz

    A indiscretion in my mind is not grounds for divorce.  They indicate
    a lapse in judgement or some other problem which is not being addressed
    in a positive way for your partner.  Multiple indiscretions can
    indicate a serious problem and should be confronted.       
                                                                          
    Now so much for my logical mind.  For the emotional side.
    My philosophy is simple here; Do not tell me unless you are using     
    it to end the relationship.  Otherwise tell me what problem
    is making you unhappy.  I do not want to hear about the indiscretion.  
                                                                  

    My first reaction to being told my husband is having an affair is
    suspicion of the teller; the only time someone "told" me, she had
    made up an absolute lie to get back at me because I was happily
    married and her husband had just left her.  
    
    I might give a close friend the benefit of the doubt to the extent
    I would assume their intentions were good, but the odds that a
    friend actually KNOWS an affair is taking place are small.  They
    may have seen suspicious behavior, but they aren't likely to have
    any proof.  In a somewhat open marriage such as ours, this is a
    problem. We both have close friends of the opposite sex; you can
    often find me having lunch or after-work drinks with some of these
    friends. We both make independent business trips. Often
    appearances are compromising.  We have to trust each other's
    judgement. 
     
    We explicitly and consciously decided that our marriage vows did
    not include a promise of absolute sexual fidelity. Too much of
    life cannot be predicted or controlled.  People do fall in love
    with two people at once or have wild affairs at conventions. We
    felt it was better not to promise ahead of time how we were going
    to feel when these or other accidents of life befell us.  Love is
    an emotion and emotions change, come and go.  Marriage is a
    commitment to partnership that says that whatever emotional
    changes we go through, we will still put this relationship first. 
    
    So the answer is, No, I would not want to be told.  If I couldn't
    tell from my husband's behavior, then it wouldn't matter, and if
    his behavior was obvious but I wasn't willing to admit it, then
    forcing me to face it sooner would not be doing me a favor. I'll
    see it when I'm ready to face it. 

    --bonnie

    I wish I could've said that so well!  :)

    .10
    
    Ditto!!!!

         I am awfully new at this...so bear with me, but this
         note is of very high interest to me.
         
         I have been married for over 16 years to the same
         wonderful/aggrevating/stimulating/disgusting???
         person.  We have a committment to work things out,
         to work together, to play together.
         
         He did *not* purchase my body.  I did *not* purchase
         his.  I have no interest in whom (s?) he sleeps with
         unless he brings home some unwanted disease.  I trust
         him implecitily *not* to do that.  He has never shown
         any interest in cataloging with whom I may or may
         not have slept.
         
         To paraphrase a friend of mine...
         
         If my spouse/so plays chess with someone; does that
         threaten my marriage?  If my spouse/so has coffee
         with someone, does that threaten my marriage.  If
         my spouse should sleep with someone?  I trust he
         has as good taste now as when he first slept with
         me over 20 years ago.
         
         (end paraphrase)
         
         I do *not* try to force my friends and acquaintances
         to accept this outlook on life, but it *is* how I/we
         operate.
         
         To directly answer the question, no I would not want
         to know....the only reason I can think of to *tell*
         someone is to hurt them.  I try not to do that anymore.
         
         A newcomer....%>
         
         Mel

    I would not want to know. I would prefer just letting things go
    on as they are. If we are happy and no dirt is brought into the
    house then let it be. Once I found out then I don't know how I would
    act. One can never tell what's going to happen. One day at a time
    folks.
    
    Re -1  Ditto
    
    Dennis

    	As I've read this note it's become apparent to me that I really
    wouldn't want to know. I don't think I could like her again if she
    felt that she had to go to someone else without discussing what
    was lacking in OUR relationship. I would hope after 14 years of
    marriage that she could say that there was something that I could
    no longer provide and that she needed that something from another
    man (woman?). To just go off and have an affair for the sake of
    having the somewhat same thing in a different package (bigger,smaller,
    prettier,softer,firmer,older,younger) doesn't really make much sense.
    If it's because there is no love left, then an end is indeed called
    for.
    
    Ken
    

     What if one has no choice but to know?? When spouse tells you she
    had an affair. How would one react?
    	thanx in advance..

    Try and find out why it happened, why she told you, and what needs
    to be done to heal/improve your relationship - assuming that is
    what you want to do.
    
    B

    Having had this happen I agree with the need for
    counseling.  When my ex told me he was having 
    affairs it was a ploy to get me to leave the
    marriage so he wouldn't have to take the respon-
    sibility of walking out.  When a spouse does
    something like that ("telling all") generally
    there's a reason.  Either they're looking for
    jealousy (he/she really does care) or they are
    dissatisfied with the relationship and are looking
    for a way to make waves in order to expose the
    problems.  Either way you probably need counseling
    to figure out what's wrong and if you want to heal
    the relationship or abandon it.
    
    Nanci
    

    RE 16
    
    	If you care, then work it out. Seek professional help, both
    for yourself, and individually. 
    	If you feel you can not accept what happened, then sit back
    and give serious thought about the future. If one is not willing
    to deal with it, then you will have to accept the consequences.
    	I guess I am just saying, Be very careful. It is very hard to
    deal with something of this sort, and I do not believe anyone has
    the answers. It takes time, caring, and communicating. It involse
    emotions, so there will be pain, hurt, heartache. Do'nt do it on
    your own. Seek help and work it out.
    
    
    Good luck.......