| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 206.1 | Surfin' Surfari | GRECO::ANDERSON | Home of the Convoluted Brain | Tue Feb 10 1987 14:03 | 15 |
| Yup, you're right-on. I've never talked to anyone who has gotten away
from all that stuff. Take care to husband (no pun intended) your time
and your energy. Keep a finger on your emotional pulse. I like to
think of the emotions as waves in the ocean upon which I surf. Each
wave you ride you get a little better at recognizing the nuances and
eddies of the flow. Sometimes (with increasing frequency) it is
exhilerating. Don't try to dam your feelings up because at some point
sooner or later they'll come crashing through in an uncontrolled
fashion. I ask myself the question, "Do I have or do I want to
invest emotional capital in this activity, event or person?" If
you're like me and a lot of other folks in the same boat, you don't
have a lot of extra emotional capital to invest. I also remember
the first thing the Red Cross taught me in my Life Saving course,
save yourself first.
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| 206.2 | | PSGVAX::HAKIM | | Tue Feb 10 1987 16:23 | 16 |
| Both males and females go through this emotional rollercoaster ride.
Haven't met anyone yet who has escaped it. My intial thoughts are
to invest time and energy into yourself first. Learn to be comfortable
with (therefore accepting of) your emotions. Give yourself the space
to re-acquaint yourself with you. I know this may sound foolish,
but it is necessary to make friends & peace with yourself again.
And you know what, it really is okay to be this selfish for a while.
As for starting over, well, if you mean engaging in another
relationship...don't....until you really know what you have to offer..
to the both of you.
The above are general observations from one who has been on both
sides.
Take care.
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| 206.4 | My .02 worth | MARCIE::JLAMOTTE | the best is yet to be | Tue Feb 10 1987 17:31 | 7 |
| Two pieces of advice..
See a lawyer right away and establish some sort of legal agreement.
See a counselor and explore counseling.
Had I done both...it would have been easier.
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| 206.5 | hey, I've been there...... | NEXUS::GORTMAKER | | Tue Feb 10 1987 23:39 | 28 |
| I went thru this about 1 & 1/2 years ago and it aint fun...
The first thing i did right or wrong is talk to my friends
about what had happened and how i felt. It is very important to
talk out the feelings you have and to feel that someone is on your
side.
The idea to get counseling is a good one but see someone that
deals with divorce recovery( i know you are just seperated)
The lawyer part is good but i assume you have already done that
part to make things legal.
Then get yourself out... go to that favorite place and think
about what is going on and how you want it to comeout and what
you need to do with yourself to make this as positive an experience
as possible. Remember many lose self respect,their job,ect.
Keep a good attitude,a positive out look(this is real hard),and
dont forget the hole card your friends. They can be a great source
of strength at times like this I wouldent have made it if it werent
for mine. You will notice that some will take sides and not be
too friendly right now blow it off this is not your fault and
you wont be able to change it. Chances are they wouldent be of help
anyway.
I learned that you got to fight for what you what to keep and that
includes all dont sell yourself short of what you deserve.
If things look like they are going all the way to divorce find
a very good lawyer this is big bucks but so were the things
he will help you keep.
I wish you the best of luck, jerry
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| 206.6 | ... day by day ... | RDGENG::MCCARTNEY | | Wed Feb 11 1987 08:10 | 14 |
| Hi,
Talk to your friends, don't be afraid to feel.
It's easy to say that in time you'll feel ok, but of course its
usually true.
I survived by living day to day and not thinking too far ahead,
and leaning hard on one or two good friends. Also don't get involved
with someone new too soon, you probably can't handle it.
Good Luck and take care
Jenni
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| 206.8 | practical advice... | TBIT::TITLE | | Wed Feb 11 1987 09:17 | 17 |
| Hi,
I'm going through a similar thing right now.
You didn't mention kids... if you don't have them, divorce is
about a 100 times easier... read note 334 in AIMHI::PARENTING and
be thankful you're not in that situation.
Practical advice: Be good to yourself. Don't feel guilty about
being selfish. Spend money on yourself. Buy some new clothes.
Do things you enjoy. Take a nice vacation by yourself. I went
to Club Med the week after my wife moved out, and had a good
time. All of this won't totally erase the pain of
separation, but it will help you restore your sense of self-worth
and self-confidence, and make you feel somewhat better.
- Rich
|
| 206.9 | An added note... | RDGE00::LIDSTER | A recent Recruit | Wed Feb 11 1987 10:17 | 22 |
|
re :206.8
Your right I didnt mention it...
I have a daughter called Charlotte who will be four next month.
Access is not an issue and we get on better now than we ever have
before. I believe that part of this is because my wife almost
*forced* me into being the dutiful father whereas now I do it becasue
I want to.
Last weekend I took my daughter to my parents for the weekend and
we had a great time - not a tear was shed or a telling off given
Every cloud has a silver lining.
I take the point about being good to myself... I have been buying
lots of clothes and records etc. I've also found that I seem to
be about five years younger !
Steve
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| 206.10 | For what its worth | STING::BARBER | | Wed Feb 11 1987 10:25 | 60 |
| Stive
I went through a divorce about ten years ago, and have had a few
"permanent" relations go sour since. So I hear you, all the things
your feeling and experiencing all of us go through. Time is the
only healer of the wounds of a separation. For what its worth
heres a few suggestions to hopefully help and get you through this.
DO's
If you haven't got legal council yet, DO IT NOW !!!
any divorce can get nasty before you know it and you
need good component legal advice to get you through.
Next, if your involved in a hobby or actitivy, expand
on it. If not find one that you never had the time for
before this. The best ones are the ones with a lot of
people involvement, this way you make new friends and stay
busy. It gives you a way to occupy time and your mind that
otherwise you spend thinking about the separation. Get your
mind off the bad feelings by doing different things that
require concentration.
Dont
What ever you do dont lock yourself away in solitude.
Get out of the house, do things , spend time with friends
people you haven't seen in a wile, go get a activity like
I said above.
Dont listen to the "easy listening" type radio stations,
put on some VERY upbeat rock or jazz or whatever your
preference. The EL stations play every tear jerk song in
the world and they bring up too many memories for this time
in your life.
In line with above stay away from the TV and the sad or
guy gets girl movies. You just dont need anything that
reminds you of the current flood of feelings you now have.
Stay away from the typical pick up gin mills and bars,
tough as it may sound you dont need to prove your still
a man. You are, and hanging out at those places and getting
put down when you ask someone out will only make you feel
worse.
Above all be yourself, dont loose track of who and what that
is. Like others have said be a bit more selfish on your self
for right now. do the things you want, buy the things you
want. If you go out with the attitude that now your free
and look out women Iam Joe Cool, Mr pick em up, with the
intent of getting everything that weres a skirt and has legs,
you'll become the biggest fake going. Be your self and you'll
find that people will like you for you not someone or something
they think you are. That is the only way to be accepted.
Like I said time is the key, its kinda strange, one morning
you wake up to feel real good and that a ton of weight has
been lifted from your shoulders. Then your ready for whatever
it is that is good and comes your way.
Bob B
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| 206.11 | All of That And More | GRECO::ANDERSON | Home of the Convoluted Brain | Wed Feb 11 1987 12:15 | 8 |
| I second Bob's comments. I don't have a TV and I find that I am
much more sensitive to myself and others. I also threw a party...sort
of a ceremony of change of life. This was a nice way of reaffirming
my connection with other folks. Also, I read a lot of books, not
self help stuff but good escapist literature...I prefer science
fiction.
|
| 206.13 | A time to be silly? | HOMBRE::HOWER | | Wed Feb 11 1987 15:04 | 23 |
| I'd second the suggestions of doing something for yourself and
not becoming a recluse.
Now is a good time to do that something you've always thought of doing -
someday. Perhaps especially if it was something you wouldn't/couldn't
do when you were married (not common interest, too expensive [assuming
it still isn't! :-)], or just too far down the list). Revive an old
interest that you may have put aside - even if it seems silly.
Recognize that, while you will need a friend to talk things over with,
sometimes it's also nice to have someone who can help you forget your
problems and just enjoy whatever activity you're doing together. And
yes, it's often hardest to tell family and close friends.
One caution about getting out of the house. Don't overdo it and
schedule something for every waking minute! You still need some
time to yourself, as well as time with friends.
Legal counseling is also a good idea when children are involved, to
discuss options and to answer questions (and allay fears?).
Good luck!
-hh
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| 206.14 | belated reply | ECADSR::KINZELMAN | Paul Kinzelman | Mon Feb 16 1987 16:45 | 17 |
| I went thru it last year, and there weren't any kids involved between
us so that made things easier. Also, we did mediation instead of
slugging it out in court. It's far cheaper and people are more likely
to be willing to live up to what gets agreed upon because it was
a compromise rather than a decision handed down. Somebody mentionned
England (is that where you are?). Don't know what they have over
there but maybe there's something similar. In any event, I'd rather
that she get it than lawyers get it.
It takes some doing (for me anyway), but I appreciate myself more,
and can get into being by myself than I did before. Somebody else
mentionned books, and I've been doing lots of reading in the
psychology, self help, spiritual book area. Also, I got a lot out
of the human potential workshops I've done, more than I can really
go into here. If you're interested, you're welcome to give me a
call.
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