Conference terri::cars_uk

	Motorway Junctions...

1)	When required exit on motorway is approaching do not filter into
	left hand lane.  Use dive bomber tactics from any lane that you may
	be in at the time to enter the slip road.

	
2) 	When on a motorway the required junction has been over shot, do not
	go to the next junction, reverse back along the hard shoulder until
	required junction is accessable.



	<Roger>

    RE: .1
    
    Both those manoeuvres are a very common sight in Belgium.
    
    Laurie.

    
    Mobile phones are an aid to visibility and concentration, best squashed
    between shoulder and ear to give an improved sideways view.
    
    Cars with ABS stop instantly, and corner at any speed.
    
    A red traffic light indicates that two more cars are allowed to pass
    before traffic must halt.
    
    Wavy lines at the edge of roads indicate a safe parking place.
    
    "Baby on Board" signs are an excuse for anything.
    
    "Disabled" badges can be bought.
    
    Always try to park directly opposite another parked car, especially on
    busy roads.
    
    The correct way to 'turn back' is:- turn into side street, reverse onto
    major road, drive away.
    
    Motorways are renamed "Freeways". Anything goes.
    
    Two lane roundabouts are designed this way so that they can be taken at
    higher speed, commence in nearside lane on approach, swoop to just clip
    kerb of roundabout, exit into nearside lane. Especially in Stevenage.
    
    Andrew

    If you're flashed from behind by another driver while travelling in the
    outside lane of the motorway, it means he wants you to slow down. 
    Rapidly repeated flashes and, occasionally, use of the horn, gives
    emphasis to this.  You should brake.  Hard....
    
    Richard
    

	..the lane markings on roundabouts are for guidence only and
	should be ignored.  Road planners are encouraged to build
	roundabouts with more than 3 lanes and traffic lights.

	+..modern brakes are so good now that the stopping distances
	have now been revised, these are:

	30 mph	10'
	40 mph  10'
	50 mph  10'

	Dave

    When low on petrol drive right on the bumper of the car in front to
    reduce drag and therefore cut down petrol consumption.

    When following tractors or other slow moving traffic, ensure you are
    towing a caravan and make no attempt to pass.
    
    Driving on the open road should be fun. To give more enjoyment to your
    fellow road users, accelerate when they overtake you. This usually
    raises a smile and a friendly wave. 
    
    When passing the scene of an accident, slow sharply down to walking
    pace and perform neck twisting exercise. 

Parking in disabled parking slots is obligatory, especially at The Crescent!

Getting in left hand lane at a roundabout, not indicating, and then turning 
right is to be encouraged.

Queueing up in the right hand lane of motorways behind slower cars to demonstrate
the quaint English custom of queuing is advisable.

Racing up the inside of the above queues is for � mile is allowed show show
solidarity of the EEC.

Driving as close to the car infront on a motorway so that another car cannot
possibly change lanes to move infront of you ( although they do so anyway )
from another lane is advisable.

Gesturing with two fingers to remind people of the 2 second rule is a mature
responsible way of keeping road discipline

On no account should you ever use the left hand lane on the motorway. This lane
is restricted to HGV's and cars over 15 years old. Stay in the middle lane
whenever possible.

    Show people you can afford expensive extras by taking every opportunity
    to drive with your front fog lights on. To get an even better effect, 
    don't turn on your headlights - looks like you're a parked car!
    

>	When following tractors or other slow moving traffic, ensure you are
>	towing a caravan and make no attempt to pass.
    
	NOTE: you should also remain as close behind the slow moving traffic
	as possible so that no one else can pass either.    This activity
	is mandatory for metro drivers who will be fined if they do not
	adhere to this advice.

This is catching on fast! I was out driving at lunchtime and just about
everybody had adopted the new rules.

Dave.

    Austin 1100/1300 and Allegro drivers must wear hats if keeping within
    the speed limit.
    
    When traffic in front of you pulls over to make way for the fire engine
    that's right up your arse, OVERTAKE!  ...and then jam up the junction
    so it can't get through.  Especially if you're a bimbo in a white XR3
    who works in DECpark....
    
    Richard (who_couldn't_believe_his_eyes...)
    

    
    I hope that bimbo doesn't read this conference for your sake !
    
    Julie.
    

    Roundabouts:
    
    When you wish to go straight on, approach the roundabout in the left
    hand lane, indicating right. Indicate left after you have passed the
    1st exit.
    
    Motorways:
    
    Drive onto the slip road at a constant speed, DO NOT ACCELERATE. If the
    traffic on the motorway fails to accomadate you by moving over, stop
    sharply at the end of the slip road, and await a suitable gap.
    
    When moving off after stopping on the hard shoulder, pull in directly 
    onto the carriageway, DO NOT drive more than is necessary on the hard
    shoulder. 
    
    Huw.  

    I'd be happy to justify the use of the term "bimbo".  If people with
    masses of frizzy off-blonde hair and white XR3s choose to drive around
    in the fashion described, I'll call them bimboes whatever sex they are. 
    And they should consider themselves let off lightly.
    
    Richard
    

    HGV drivers must minimise the time between indicating and changing
    lanes. Remembering the fact that indicators are ALWAYS optional.
    
    While waiting at traffic lights NEVER indicate to turn left or right
    until the lights have changed to green. Remembering the fact that
    indicators are ALWAYS optional.
    
    Passengers in builders' vans must look gormlessly at following vehicles
    through the grubby rear door windows provided.
    
    If you are driving in a slow moving queue, always try to position your
    vehicle across any side roads in the eventaulity that the queue stops.
    
    Rear window stickers must not be funny (unless you work for Digital).
    

    There's also the antidote to .9
    
    Prove that you know that you're allowed to use the left hand lane by
    always moving into it if you possibly can. This should be done after
    each single vehicle overtaking act, regardless of how soon the next
    overtaking act follows.
    
    Note also the special speed limits applicable in Sussex to
    residents over sixty (90% of population of Sussex, the rest drive
    tractors)
    
    	20 in built up areas
    	30 in areas with 40 limits
    	40 in de-restricted areas
    	N-10 where there is an advisory speed of N on a hairy corner 
    	

    
    re:- 2119.4
    
    >>you should brake .Hard..........
    
    My Father tried this once.........It took the Police four hours to
    clean up the mess!! (of broken cars) he was ok,the chap in the Fiat
    (with the headlights) was`nt!!!!
    
    
    
    
    
    Moral of the story :- check for brake lights NOT rear lights or keep a
                          safe distance  
    
    
    Doug
    
    

	Speed limits:

	For those outside Sussex, to simpilfy the confusing array of speed
	limits, a mandatory limit of 43 mph now applies to all roads, for
	example, main A roads, motorways, residential areas, driveways.
	Particularly for that bloke from Bishop's Stortford with the
	brown Allegro and the tweed hat.

	Overtaking:

	Drivers of XR3s must immediately overtake any vehicle in front,
	regardless of whatever speed it is doing.  Once this manoeuvre
	is complete, the above speed limit must be observed.

    Junctions:
    
    When turning right into another road, position the car so that
      no-one can pass by on the inside.
    
    When turning left or right into another road, even if you can
      see that the junction and surrounding area is clear of traffic,
      slow down to <5mph and turn in.
    
    When turning out of a junction, drive slowly to let other cars
      catch up with you. Then accelerate to normal speed quickly.

Rear fog light are to used at all time, just in case anybody 3 miles away cannot
see you !

When approaching a roundabout don't merge in ( safely ) with the traffic on the
roundabout, but stop and wait until the rush hour is over before proceeding
safely !

If you behind another car which is in turn behind yet another ( etc. ) then try
to drive so close that the driver immediately in front cannot see your headlights
( which are, of course, to be flashed continuously ) in his rear view mirror to
gently suggest to him that he moves over so you can do the same to the person in
front of him/her !

    Always remember to be courteous to Police drivers and greet them with a
    friendly wave, indicating that you have seen them twice this week
    already.
    
    PSV drivers must never stop at the actual bus stops but always 10 yards
    past just where the solid white lines start round the bend.
    
    PSV drivers follow a common code with HGV drivers where indicating is
    concerned, namely start indicating you intend to pull away or change
    lane, once the manoeuver is completed.
    
    PSV drivers must stop within the zig-zags of a zebra crossing whenever
    there is a newsagents which sells their copy of the Sport.
    
    XR3 drivers with frizzy-blonde hair MUST check their make-up every
    hundred yards or so, this is in replacement to checking their mirrors.
    
    When oncoming traffic has been stationary for two minutes at a zebra
    crossing you must scream through the crossing and give a cheery wave to
    the scattering pedestrians.
    
    If you own a Ford Escort van it is imperative that you coat the
    interior of the windows with black film so that no-one can see you
    picking your nose.
    
    Ford Capri drivers must have their suspension raised by at least three
    feet at the rear axle. This improves the aerodynamics and allows
    fog-lights to be placed on the rear axle.
    
    Double Glazing vans must have the glass rack on the side protruding by
    no less than 2 feet.
    
    Always reverse onto the main road from your drive at rush-hour. People
    are always happy to stop and let you in.
    
    It is mandatory that Ford Escorts must have one headlight which points
    directly at Alpha Centauri.
    
    etc etc
    
    
    Stuart

There is an open season on all BMW 3-series drivers.

It is obligatory for any driver of a Ford Sierra or XR% to:
	a) beat BMW 3-series from traffic lights
	b) drive up the tail-pipe of BMW 3-series on motorways regardless
	   of blocking traffic in front of, and alongside, said BMW-3 series
	c) cut up BMW 3-series regardless of traffic level
	d) list the standard items on their Ford in comparison
	   to those offered as 'option' on a BMW 3-series


T. 

    Parents picking/dropping off up school kids...
    
    In Wilmslow (posh area near where I used to live):-
    
    Always stop your BMW 7 series/Merc 500 SEL in the middle of the busy
    road and wait for your child (even if you are half an hour early).
    Drivers behind will be happy to manoeuvre around you.
    
    NB It is important that you do not indicate in any way.
    
    In Lowton (not so posh area where I live now):-
    
    Kerb your Ford Orion at 35 mph without checking that there are no
    parents/children on the kerb at the time (after all, they have eyes
    don't they?)
    
    Make sure your kids open the doors of the car before it stops thus
    ensuring that the maximum area can be covered by your moving vehicle -
    causing maximum spread of pedestrians.
    
    Drive off at high speed before your own children have chance to get out
    of the way, and without letting the HGV driver approaching know that
    you are going to pull out on him.

    When seeing a friend in a car upfront pull out into the overtaking
    lane, do not check the optional (vanity) mirror that is situated
    between driver and passenger, and when level with the other car slow
    down to their speed (approx 50 kmh in an 80 limit for maximum effect)
    when you have succesffully attracted their attention strike up a
    conversation. Then at the most (in)convenient point slot infront of the
    friends car slamming on the brakes and pull off the road together to
    continue the conversation. 
    
    This is to be done on a 2 lane dual carriageway stretch of road and for
    maximum effect in wet conditions during the rush hour. 

    When driving along the outside lane of the motorway (this lane is
    designated for you to drive in), if a slower motorist pulls in to let
    you through, make sure you slow right down as you pass him so he has a
    chance to test his ABS to avoid hitting the mini metro in the middle
    lane.
    
    Optionally you may speed up, or, if you wish, maintain your position
    alongside your fellow motorist and look blankly at him as he waves
    cheerily at you.
    
     

    Avoid monotony on the motorway by driving between 75mph and 95mph on
    the motorway. Varying the speed in this way causes endless amusement
    for other motorists, who drive at constant speed, as you alternatly rocket
    past or get in their way as they're trying to get past you. 
    
                                                     
    This technique is better displayed by female drivers (statistically
    proven by the author).

    When approaching multi-laned roundabouts, always queue up in the
    longest lane. This will ensure that all traffic can enter the
    roundabout from obscure turnings & promote rat-running through housing
    estates.
    
    It is mandatory to park in Bus laybys as these are never used by buses.
    
    Always park straddling the guidelines in carparks. Ignor those who park
    between guidelines, they've got it wrong.
    
    Ignor left-turn filters at traffic lights until its so late that the
    driver behind cant follow. Rolling back aids this manoevre as it
    discourages the following car.
    
    When turning into side roads aim at pedestrians who may believe they
    have right-of-way. If the pedestrian insists that they have
    right-of-way give him/her a mouthful of abuse. Repeat as necessary,
    especially if the pedestrian has children with them. Never use
    indicators as it is the pedestrians duty to study Beligerent Motorist
    Psychology.
    
    Tony.

     re .-1
    
    >>It is mandatory to park in Bus laybys as these are never used by buses.
    
    
    
    This is actually true !!

    When being overtaken on the motorway slowly increase your speed, whilst
    keeping a couple of feet in front of the car trying to overtake.
    
    If they  overtake slow down to your origional speed, and wait in the
    middle lane for the next car to overtake.

If turning right at a set of traffic lights then do not indicate until the
lights change to green.

    Never ever drive on the hard shoulder of the Motorway, unless you are
    pulling in due to breakdown. The exception to this is when there is
    stationary traffic in all three lanes and you are: 
    
    1.	Late for a game of squash
    2.	Late for flight
    3.	Can't be bothered to queue 
    
    Statistically proven by Author to be best practised by young or middle
    aged male drivers
     

re .34;

>    Never ever drive on the hard shoulder of the Motorway, unless you are
>    pulling in due to breakdown. The exception to this is when there is
>    stationary traffic in all three lanes and you are: 
>    
>    1.	Late for a game of squash
>    2.	Late for flight
>    3.	Can't be bothered to queue 

	4. WHile you are a serving high up police officer, running late
	   for a flight from Heathrow to a "top police" conference
	   somewher exotic, being driven by an official police driver
	   in an unmarked police vehicle. As happend on the M25 about three
	   years ago.

Peter.

    Traffic Light Laws
    
    When stationary at traffic lights always pick your nose, collect these
    pickings and proceed to roll it into a ball. extra merit is given if
    you are at the front of the traffic queue and you remain oblivious to
    the colour of the lights until the car behind has hooted you at least
    twice that you should proceed .
    
    On a hill.....
    
    You must use your handbrake on a hill when waiting for the lights to
    turn green. When they do, use both hands to release the handbrake and
    make sure that you roll back at least three feet before letting out the
    clutch and accelerating forward.
    
    ..for those drivers situated behind the above,
    
    Pull up at MOST 3mm behind the driver in front*
    
    
    
    
    *BMW drivers esp.
    
    

    
    This applies to B-D regd Fiat Panda drivers.
    
    Amaze every motorway driver by overtaking every single car on the M4
    with your 5 star tinworm hotel....
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    ...is it just me that gets overtaken by decrepid Fiats when I'm doing
    80mph? 

    re: .37
    
    They would go faster but they can't find second gear!
    
    (All decrepit Fiats are fitted with 25000 RPM turbines)
    
    When approaching two lane section with traffic lights, ALWAYS pull out
    into outside lane passing the three vehicles in front and stop at red.
    When lights turn to green allow five vehicles on nearside to pass
    before pulling back in to nearside lane. This procedure eases traffic
    flow during rush hour!
    
    Don't you think it's sad that the "ultimate driving machine" doesn't
    come with the ultimate driver? (a non Bader Meinhoff Wagen driver who
    has had endless amusement watching the rear end antics of "beamers")
    
    Regards.

    
    Rule 37a.
    
    A BMW badge on the front of your car overules a give way line on the
    road.
    
    

Drive at at least 90mph on motorways until you reach car(s) in middle lane. 
Slow down to a maximum of 1mph faster than car(s) in middle lane until you have 
passed them, then speed up to 90mph again.

corollary - stay in right hand lane at all times.

    If turning left off a main road, and you see a car waiting to turn onto
    the road then do not indicate until the very last possible moment (if
    at all). The other driver will probably wave to you in appreciation.
    
    (happens all the time around here...;^()
    
    

  HGV Drivers are encouraged on duel carrage ways to converse by driving
      side-by-side . This stops the noisy distraction of others
      overtaking while you are talking to your friend and enables
      minimum control.

    When approaching roadworks, do so in the lane which is closing. You
    will be directed to this lane in good time by the temporary road signs.
    Stay in the designated lane for as long as possible, maintaining a safe
    speed (that shown on the signs * 2) until you reach the cones. At which
    point anyone left in the un-coned lane will happily let you in with a
    friendly hand signal.
    
    Andy.
    
    

    > When approaching roadworks, do so in the lane which is closing. You
    > will be directed to this lane in good time by the temporary road signs.
    > Stay in the designated lane for as long as possible, maintaining a safe
    > speed (that shown on the signs * 2) until you reach the cones. At which
    > point anyone left in the un-coned lane will happily let you in with a
    > friendly hand signal.
    
    This happens all too often. The funniest incident I have seen for a
    long time was when an Astra GTE driver tried this and failed dismally.
    It was very amusing to watch him plough through the lane marker cones.
    The little yellow light they stick on top of the cones were sent flying
    in every direction. I laughed until I stopped.
    
    Andy.
    

    
    
    Section 7 Para 4 Rule 3
    
    It is advisable before setting out on any journey that you don't check
    the condition of your tyres. The little bits of steel and rubber left
    on the carriageway help to keep the outside lanes free of traffic.
    
    I also noticed this in the section for HGV drivers...
    
    ... lighting on the vehicle must be easily seen at all times by
    nocturnal animals with eyes specially adapted to seeing 3 Watt bulbs.
    Normal human eyes will not see these lights but don't worry... you
    won't see them either.
    
    In the section on parking restrictions...
    
    If you have frizzy blonde hair ignore all parking restrictions, they 
    are only applicable to other people.
    
    
    Whenever possible always find a mound of Tarmac at the side of the
    road, they make ideal spots for impromptu picnics. Don't forget when
    you discover one of these beauty spots, you don't need to let other
    road users know you are going to brake hard and swing into the layby, 
    they know already because you are driving an Allegro and are wearing 
    a pork pie hat. You will also have stickers in the window with sayings 
    such as "We've seen the toilets at Longleat" (apologies to Victoria Wood)
    
    
    When approaching Public Houses, slow down there could be drunken Arthur
    Androids, going home after a hard night on Panorama!
    
    Stuart

>
>  HGV Drivers are encouraged on duel carrage ways to converse by driving
>
                                 ----

the new highway code should definitely have this spelling ;-)

    Turning left into a main road
    
    The normal rule about waiting for a suitable gap in the oncoming
    traffic can be ignored if you are going to turn off the main road very
    soon, because after all you won't hold up the cars on the main road
    very long. This situation can be further improved if you don't look
    right because of course if you can't see them then they can't see you. 

    Roundabouts
    
    When the car in front slows for a roundabout, braking is optional.
    
    For Bimbo-mobiles, when the car in front is stopped at a roundabout,
    braking is optional.
    
    Brian

    Roundabouts:
    
    Basingstoke sub-section (local bye-law):
    
    When driving on the dual carriage way ring road in Basingstoke, ALWAYS
    REMAIN in the right hand lane if you intend to turn right any time in
    the next two years.

	Concentrate on everything within 10 meters of the front of your
	car (for those of you not yet into SI, that's about 10 yards).
	Don't bother to look further ahead, it will only confuse you and
	even if you could decipher what was going on then you'd probably be
	wrong because of the contrary and random nature of driving.  Even
	if you got it right every one would think you were a swot
	(chiz chiz).  Remember, in England no one likes a smart arse.

	Notes on car sympathy:

	(1) When slipping into reverse always remember to have the
	engine revs high (or even better just slip straight from first
	into reverse).  This gives that satisfying graunch noise that
	makes sure that your gearbox and clutch are just like new.  That's
	because they are as you'll have to replace them every 10K miles.

	(2) Bonnets are fiddly and dirty things.  Just leave it shut and
	when the car needs fluid it will let you know by braking down.  Then
	that nice man from the AA will fill it up for you.

	(3) When braking don't be a wimp.  Wait until the last moment and
	then *stamp* on those brakes.  

	(4) Remember: the accellerator pedel has only two positions off and on.
	Use them accordingly.  When combined with the actions in (3) this 
	gives a particularly smooth ride for you and your passengers (who
	will squeak with joy).

	(5) Visibility.  In case of snow or simply steaming up because you
	cannot understand the heater controls and have left it set to
	recirculating because that's the way it was when you got the car, you
	only need a clear hole of about 6" diameter to look through.  If
	those hole is not directly in front of you, then even better.

	(6) Fog lights.  Don't forget to leave them on.  You never know
	when it will get foggy.  Besides the tell tale lights up your right
	thigh which is v. handy.

	(7) Headlights.  Leave them off and save electricity and wear and
	tear. 

	(8) Rust.  No need to do anything here, your car just will.

	(9) If your car has 4 wheel drive always engage it.  Anyhow 4 wheel
	drive is particularly useful in the long and snow filled winters
	we experience in the UK (about 1 day a year of grey stuff).

    
    When carrying a sheet of hardboard on the roof rack, always tie
    the front firmly to the front bumper. This greatly improves
    streamlining. Visibility in an option by the use of specially
    fitted mirrors.
    
    When parking on double yellow lines in a narrow street, always
    mount the kerb. Safety for pedestrian traffic, as well as road 
    traffic, is thus enhanced since both will be severely restricted.
    
    - Jonathan
    

    
    7 Vehicle Maintenance.
    7.3A Brake Performance.
         You can never be sure when your brakes are going to fail. When
    they do fail it will be with any warning. Therefore when in a line of
    moving vehicles continually test your foot operated brakes. This should
    be done approximately every 20 seconds. Under no circumstancescheck the
    rearview mirror, as the sight of following car descending in/onto your
    rear fender may be quite harrowing.
    
    3 Direction change.
    3.3. Right Turn.
        When turning right from a major road the correct proceedure is
      i) position the vehicle towards the left hand kerb
     ii) stop the vehicle
    iii) if a following vehicle has also stopped edge forward at a rate of
         one inch per 30 second period. 
    iiia) if there is no following vehicle put the right hand indicator
     iv) wait until a gap of less than 3 car lengths appear.
    iva) if no vehicles are coming, wait anyway, esp if rule iii is in use.
         if rule iiia is in use then any gap will do
      v) Go for broke, lots of revs, dump the clutch, but ensure that after
         approximately 2.5 feet have been travelled your vehicle stalls and
         stops without warning.
    
    Alan. 

    
    When accelerating, don't waste time by lifting your foot off the
    accelerator to change up a gear, keep your foot flat to the floor.
    Don't worry thats what the rev limiter is there for!!!!!
    
    POL.     :-)

    When driving in an unknown area always drive as close as possible
    to the middle of the road and at as slow a speed as possible.

    Using this tactic will enable the driver to turn either left or right
    almost instantaneously. 

    If you are unfortunate or stupid enough to have bought a vehicle with a
    single asymmetric high-intensity rear fog light, DON'T USE IT.  Only
    pairs of these lights look like afterburners, and give your heap that
    racy, Top Gun appearance in all weather conditions.
    
    Volvo drivers who have to negotiate stretches of slightly rougher-than-
    usual road (especially between Glencoe and Crianlarich) should keep
    their speed down to 15-20 mph.  Any faster, and there is a real hazard
    of dislodging your cravat.
    
    Richard
    

    re .51

    [Sorry Dave - couldn't resist]


>	Concentrate on everything within 10 meters of the front of your
>	car (for those of you not yet into SI, that's about 10 yards).

    I didn't know parking meters were placed 10 yards apart.  I thought
    they were positioned every 10 metres  :o)
    
    Pedantic of Basingstoke
    

    
    Indicating to turn left/right 1/2 a mile before you get there, then 
    driving past it and taking the next turn 50 yards further on.
    
    Having turned above corner, do not cancel out the indicator. Vehicles
    following you will then have to guess when you are next going to turn,
    if at all. 
    This is also especially useful on roundabouts. 
    
    When joining the motorway from a slip road, it is aoutomatic that you
    go straight to the outside lane. Thus slowing down people already
    travelling in that lane to your speed. This reduces the number of
    speeding offences.
    
    When approaching traffic lights, and the left hand lane is tailed back
    a long way, drive down the right turn only lane and either:
    a) as you near the lights put on your left indicator and pull in in
    front of someone
    b) as a) but with no indication
    c) if waiting at red light, be ready to shoot straight across when
    lights change to amber. Thus narrowly missing the left hand lane
    vehicle, and also the oncoming turning right vehicle.
     
    And yes taxi/bus/HGV drivers DO own the road !!!!  
    
    
    	Get a life
    
    mac

Always indicate right when going straight on at a roundabout.


Always take the rightmost lane into a roundabout when exiting at the first exit
on a roundabout and vice versa.   When following this rule - don't indicate.

    After cutting up the vehicle on your left while executing rule 59 always
    make sure you stop that vehicle and threaten to beat up driver for
    believing that you intended to turn right as indicated.
    

    After receiving a stone chip on your new windscreen while closely
    following a vehicle down a narrow country lane always make sure you
    overtake that vehicle, forcing it to stop by forcing it of the road.
    You can then ask the driver of the vehicle to pay for a new windscreen.

	Traffic calming:

	local councils who decide to introduce traffic calming measures
	should ensure that any road narrowing points are placed on any
	blind bends available.  Warning signs about changes in priority
	should be partially obscured by trees.  This will improve the
	communiry spirit of drivers, who, upon meeting oncoming vehicles
	at these areas, will greet each other with a hoot and a cheery
	wave.

	Pedestrian crossings:

	These should be placed as far as possible from public footpaths.
	Before choosing a suitable location, checks should be made to
	ensure it is not near any regularly used route.

	New roundabouts:

	These should be located at an area where there is no room for
	road widening, thus conserving the environment.  They roads
	approaching the roundabout should preferably have visibility
	obscured by buildings, shrubs, etc.

	(as observed recently in the new "traffic calming" measured which
	have appeared where I live)

    RE-2...Keith
    
    If you have a bevvy make sure you use ditch to stop you
    when your going to fast.....:-)
    
    
    Gav

    
    When driving in the Lake District ignore all speed limits and drive at
    20mph,people who are following you (Dec Engineers etc) will be quite happy
    to follow you as you look closely at the sheep,if you can manage to
    speed up on the straight bits then so much the better,you can then slow
    down again to look at more sheep when you get to the bendy bits.
    
    Single Track Roads
    
    When driving on a Single Track road observe the rule above and ignore
    the passing places,they are only there for two reasons:-
    
    	1	The Council had some tarmac left over
    
    	2	They are only used for picnic`s (by elderly Volvo drivers)
    

    Ref .43 and others
    
    Who said you can't drive up to the point the cones start!
    
    Plus, what's all this about BMW drivers! Eh! Eh!
    
    Rupert (BMW 3 Series driver)(and it's RED!)(the car I mean)
    
    8^)
    
    
    

    When a pedestrian crossing is placed near a junction, pedestrians
    should not use the crossing itself, but should cross at the junction. 
    This should be done in three phases, namely the initial easy - if
    hazardous - sprint to the middle of the road, the gormless and
    unrewarding pause in the middle, and the dopey-looking wave/jog the
    rest of the way across.  This avoids the 3-yard trudge to the crossing,
    the boring walk across, and spices up your miserable existence with
    embarrassment and anguish.  It also challenges the forbearance and
    decisiveness of motorists.
    
    Richard
    

    In order to signify your right of way when approaching small or mini
    roudabouts, increase your speed to ramming velocity. This deters any
    drivers who are already at the roudabout, and waiting to enter, from
    doing so.
    
    
     

Perform a pre-MOT test by doing the following:

1.  Ensure the engine has enough power by trying to reach 70 mph between the
    Golden Lion Pub and the entrance to The Crescent

2.  While performing the above, test the steering by trying to knock down the
    people who are crossing the road by the bus stop

3.  Test the suspension by swerving dangerously onto the right hand side of the
    entrance road of The Crescent.

4.  Test the brakes when trying to avoid the same people who the driver has
    just discovered works for the same company as himself and therefore guiltily
    knows he not anonymous

5.  Re-test the engine, by dramatically accelerating away again ( way over the
    stated speed limit ) to ensure the catalytic converter is working.  Yes it
    does small of rotten eggs ( or is that the ... ).

This only aspplies to red soft-top CNX's  ( names changed to protect the guilty,
hint = VMS <---> WNT )

    Whats a DOZ ?

I don't know, but I know what the "W" stands for ( in this case ).

    Who's this Bob Marley chap anyway?
    

RULE 1.

When encountering a POLICE Range rover doing 60mph on the inside lane, Slow 
down to match his speed. This causes what I call the SWARM syndrome in the other 
drivers.  In no time at all you will have lots of cars buzzing around you, all
scared SH**less to overtake the cop. When you have about 20 around you speed off
at 70mph and see what happens.

RULE 2. 

When somebody winds you up, cuts you up etc. FLASH your head lights eratically, 
while pointing down at there rear wheel. 9 out of 10 drivers pull over to the 
hard shoulder, stop and get out to check there tyres.  NEVER FAILS. And it`s much 
more fun than exchanging abusive hand signals, especially if it`s hissing down.

Rule 3.

DON`T WIND ME UP.

Rule 4.

If a 18 wheeler boxes you in or cuts you up, return the favour then slow down
to 40mph.  I just love to hear them crunching there way down through 15 gears.
Then speed away, waving BYE BYE as you go.

>If a 18 wheeler boxes you in or cuts you up, return the favour then slow down
>to 40mph.  I just love to hear them crunching there way down through 15 gears.
>Then speed away, waving BYE BYE as you go.


Then meet the lorry at the next set of lights and tremble in your seat.




	Ian

    >>Then meet the lorry at the next set of lights and tremble in your
    >>seat.
    
    Or he uses his CB to get some truckers ahead you to return the favour.

    The M25 motorway has inverse lane discipline.......
    
    Outside lane is for slowest moving traffic,
    
    Middle and inside lanes for overtaking.

    re -1
    
    Wrong!
    
    The outside lane on the M25 is the hard shoulder
    
    Well it seems that way to me with all the parked cars there!
    
    dg   8-)