Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Jill, 
    
    	This could be a fun note, I love knowing I'm not alone....
    
    Try 3 hospital stays, one of which resulted after the daycare called to 
    tell me they had just contacted 911 and an ambulance was on it's way, 
    1 surgergy and 18 doctors appointments in the month of January alone for 
    my 2.5 year old
    
    	But I must admit it is still a whole lot better than 1991 was....
    

    Are you kidding?!?!  I'll take '92 over '91 any day!!!  The only
    good things that happened last year was the birth of our healthy,
    intelligent daughter, my son got toilet-trained, and we didn't
    lose our house despite the fact that my husband's company went
    belly-up.  (I've felt like crap since December, but hey....
    look at the balance sheet!) 

    Try MARCH 1992 - one surgery for me, extensive kidney tests for our 3.5
    year old, recurrent infections from the surgery - and we had had enough
    medical charges to satify our deductable by the end of February. For
    the calander year 1992, as of March 31, between myself and two boys: 23
    doctors appointments totally $5,806. Also this is Texas, so with the
    exception of the outpatient hospital bills, everything must be paid up
    front and reimbursed by a snail's pace by John Hancock. 
    
    Now I feel better........
    
    
    

    
    Nice to know I'm not alone...
    
    Its been a tough couple of months, and I'm not looking forward to the
    coming months either... Between an uncooperative ex-wife, a sick baby
    7 out of 9 weeks, a sm car accident on an icy morning, owing the IRS
    "big" money, my husband finding out he is losing his job (2 days after 
    we find out how much we owe the IRS!), the possibility of losing our
    home(that we've only owned for 1.2 years!), back problems for me,
    my husbands mother having major health problems, etc...
    
    And to top it off last week as I had just got done telling a friend
    that our luck couldn't be much worse these days, I pull out of her
    driveway only to have a flat tire! And my jack won't fit! Sure was
    interesting to watch 4 women and 3 children try to figure that one out!
    
    Everyone keeps telling me to keep my chin up and that thins will get
    better....but so far I see no light at the end of the tunnel, and am 
    only seeing 1992 as a year of gloom.  
    
    Oh well...what can ya do?
    I just hug Michael and thank god for having him!
    
    Chris
    

    I'm having a similar problem with Lee who is almost 10 months old.  He
    doesn't want any finger foods that are 'mushy' or slippery.  This includes
    cooked 
    carrots, macaroni, peas, beans...  He ate this stuff a couple of weeks
    ago but doesn't want it anymore.  He is also not thrilled with being
    feed with a spoon.  He is happy with toast, oatios, rice cakes...
    I'm also interested in any suggestion out there.
    
    
    				Mary
    

    
    I think in comparison to some people I've led a pretty charmed life;
    a great family, lots of friends and a good job, and the wonderful guy
    I live with. So, when I say that 1991 was by far the WORST year of my 
    life, I think I really mean it. 
    We lost Daniel last year -- I can't imagine any year being worse.
    
    With any luck at all, in 7 weeks 1992 will be the BEST year!
    
    Monica
    (at home with baby alive and kicking at 33 weeks)
    

    
    
    Moderators - not sure if this reply belongs in this note or if it needs
    a separate note.
    
    Re .0 and others
    
    I sincerely hope that things improve and that you all (and I) find 
    the the personal strength to get through the bad times. We have had a 
    lousy winter healthwise for our two kids - nothing major, but small 
    stuff continuously.  
    
    My question is work-related:
    
    How does one "manage" absenteeism at work that inevitably results from
    such times? I work on a software project and am driven by drop-dead
    deadlines which are tough enough to meet when I am working continously.
    A couple of missed days causes havoc with my schedule leading to 
    frustration and guilt. Then there is the worry about "what do the
    powers-that-be think of me?"
    
    How did you handle things with your management?  Ideas desperately
    needed ....
    
    Pam 
    
    

    
    Re: 1992
    
    It's going much better than 1991, that's for sure! Not without it's
    share of problems but that's life. Patrick is doing so well that
    these problems seem insignificant.
    
    Re: absenteeism
    
    I know what you mean, I have to take a lot of time off for EI with
    Patrick and guilty feelings are natural. I use them in a positive way,
    to make sure I'm giving my 100% while I'm here, and to make sure I make
    up all of my time taken off, even when it's 6:00 pm on Friday and 60
    degrees out.
    
    CdH
    

    Re. absenteesim...
    
    I missed a lot of time with Jackie last year, between ear infections,
    bronchitis/asthma, chicken pox, etc.  I also felt guilty.  However, one
    important thing to remember is that This Is Your Family and in my
    opinion, family always comes first and your job is secondary when you
    have a sick child at home. 
    
    Mary
    

    Mods, should we create another note about absenteeism?
    
    I always feel guilty when I miss work!  And this year, there's been
    no help for it.  My husband has gone into business for himself;
    the kids are still little (4 and 9 mos.); and to top it all off,
    *I've* been sick off and on since November (2 sinus infections,
    pleurisy, a bladder infection, bad bout of post-partum depression,
    etc.).  But I have a system at home that I can use and I'm not shy
    about working from home when I have to, even if that means putting
    in a couple of hours after the kids go to bed.  
    
    Fortunately, I work for a manager who has 2 kids of his own and
    understands how these things can happen.  A lot depends on what
    your groups "environment" is like, but in general, I think honesty
    is the best policy.  I mean, *kids get sick*.  There is nothing anyone
    can do about that.  
    
    My husband and I have also taken turns staying home with the sick
    one.  Or, he'll go in early and come home at noontime, then I'll
    spend the afternoon (maybe till 6:30) in the office.  There is no
    one good answer, it all depends on everything else.

    RE: 1992
    
    It has been a so so year so far, but by far the best we have had in 3
    years.  We are managing and things get better all the time.
    
    RE: absenteeism
    
    This is something that happens and can't be helped.  I have been out often
    over the past year when my son had and the flu, ear infections etc...
    and have not been able to find a solution other then to stay home and
    take care of him and deal with work when I get back.  Most of the
    people I know with children take turns staying home with their sick
    child.  My husband is on the road 6 days a week, so I don't have that
    option.
    
    I was given a talking to about it in January and was asked to find an
    alternative to me staying home when my son is sick.  I was told that
    when I am out I am showing I am not dependable.  What am I suppose to
    do?  I feel guilty when I miss work because of my son being sick (and
    alot of times I have caught what he had), but I don't think I could live
    with myself if I just dropped him off somewhere and came into work.  He
    is only 1�.  When my husband heard what they asked me to do he was
    really mad.  He told me my place first and foremost was with our son
    when he is sick and he doesn't expect it any other way.  
    
    To me this is a no win situation.  Either way I feel guilty, either way
    someone is not going to be pleased with my decision.
    
    Kathy

    Kathy,
    
    I had a manager who had "one of those talks" with me during one of my
    assignments about a year and a half ago.  I had had a bad fall and
    winter with several strep infections, ear infections, mono, eventually
    ear tubes were put in (he "expected" me in the office that afternoon!),
    he had several asthma attacks etc.
    
    One afternoon he called me in his office, (BTW this man's wife was a
    stay at home mom, and that's the way he felt ALL women should be) and
    told me that if I needed any more time off I'd better plan on looking
    for a new job!  Without thinking, I told him that I was giving him my
    two week notice and that such and such would be my last day.
    
    Now as a DECtag, I have that priviledge.  You ( I assume) are permanent
    and don't really have that kind of an option.  However I can't believe
    that you can't get some kind of backing from your personnel group.
    
    Thank heavens I now have the most wonderful manager, all I have to say
    is "AJ is sick, or simply AJ needs..." and he'll cut me off in mid
    sentence and tell me to get out of here and take care of my son!  What
    a refreshing difference!
    
    Give your options some thought.
    Lyn

I've been out a lot over the last year with the twins coming so early and
Brad being in the hospital for so long.  Even now, it seems like we're 
always taking the kids to the doctor.

What we have found works best is if my husband and I alternate who stays
home with them or takes them to the doctor.  I would think that if Kathy's
husband was so mad that her boss wasn't very understanding about her 
needing to be home when the kids are sick, he could alternate with her.  
That way, there is an acceptable substitute, and not that guilt about
having to bring sick kids somewhere so you can be at work.  It may be
worth a try.

re: .13

Please re-read what Kathy said about her husband.  He is not home 6 days a week.
He can't alternate with her if he is 1200 miles away when their son gets sick.
Kathy is really a single Mom 6 days a week.

Now, perhaps some of you single parents could give Kathy some ideas on how to
handle the situation.

Bob

    Bob is right, my husband is a truck driver and is gone 6 days a week,
    there isn't the option of having him alternate with me.  I don't think
    I would have this problem if he had a normal 8-5 job.  If he was to
    stay home with our son when he is sick, he would loose the pay from the
    entire route, he can't just take one or two days off.  Money wise it
    is better for me to stay home then him.

    I am hoping that with the weather getting warmer all the sickness will
    stop.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.
    
    Thanks for the suggestions though.  Any other ideas or view points are
    welcome.
    
    Kathy

    Kathy,
    
    I wish I could offer some help.  I was in the same type situation about
    8 years ago.  My daughter had Cystic Fibrosis and was constantly
    hospitalized.  I was a single parent and they guy I worked for at the
    time told me I "had to get my priorities straight".  My priorities WERE
    straight.  They were with my daughter.  This guy even knew the whole
    situation (my daughter was dying) and he just didn't care.  I was lucky 
    enough to find another job in the company at the time and explained to 
    my future boss what the situation was.  He could not have been more 
    understanding.  He was as totally sympathetic as the other guy was
    totally unreasonable.  What a difference!  Maybe personnel could help 
    atleast as a go between.  When I had all I could take, I went to EAP
    and then personnel.  I'm glad I did because at the time I had 11 years
    with the company and I was ready to throw it away because of my intense
    dislike for my manager.  I was literally sick from it all.
    Best of luck to you.  
    
    Marie

Kathy:

Last week was exceptionally difficult on me/Juli (2-1/2 yrs old) because I've
gotten so used to being able to balance parenting responsiblities and
conflicts with working hours with Jim, that I found myself on the other side
of the fence ... single-parenting (which is stressful!), compounded by "no
back up" support!  God, do I empathize with single parents!!!!   (Jim was
working round-the-clock - literally! - we only saw him 1-2 hours every 24-30
hours!)  His commitment is met and he's back home on a 9-5 schedule (Thank
Goodness!)

If Juli's sick, we do NOT take her to the learning center -- that's NOT an
option.  So now, it's between Jim/I to decide what our calendars entail.
Based on that, we will either pick whose calendar is less affected OR divide
up the day ... or who is in a better position to "work from home" if we both
have commitments to fulfill.

If there's a time-span (e.g. 2 hours), where both of us MUST be at work, we
call our neighbor (and pay her $5/hr - and each fraction of the hr -- since
it's "last minute and a sick child requires more attention and TLC).  She's
extremely accomodating and willing to sit.

If for some reason our neighbor can't sit, I then call my sister and/or Mom/Dad.
They live 1 mile from each other and if one can't sit the entire day, they
can usually work something out amongst themselves.  (Jim/I will pay via a
gift certificate - grocery store, hairdresser, etc. -  they get upset that we
"pay" for sitting, but we are so pleased to have that option, as well as the
fact that a sick child keeps them glued to a rocking chair and often dealing
with lots of fussing - that even a $30 gift certificate is under-paid!).

Many of our other neighbors (retired) have also offered many times to help
out, but we've been very lucky to date to not have to ask them.  We also have
a high school girl (2 doors down) who will gladly sit "after school hours" or
"school holidays".

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might have to pay double (tuition
AND a babysitter), but when there's only one parent to jiggle one's working
commitments, that may be your only viable solution.

I'm not saying you should leave a VERY sick child with a neighbor, babysitter
or family ... it is (and should be!) your responsibility to care for your 
"very sick" child and you should have "some" managerial support with that
(Jim/I have NEVER had problems with our managers and we have lost many hours
here and there ... and occasionally a day ... and we do log on from home and
try to work from home ... and we haven't had to miss any job commitments).

Yes, it is a difficult thing to juggle and solve ... and much, much more 
difficult on a single parent!

Good luck,
Dottie