Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Cope...???  what's that??
    
    Seriously, I guess I have a sense of when it's time to hire a sitter
    and go out for some "grownup time", once every two or three weeks. 
    Fortunately our sitter usually calls at the beginning of each week to
    ask if we will be needing her any specific times in the week.  She
    doesn't know it, but she's been a great lifeline by doing this.  By her
    calling, I am forced to pick a night and a time for her to come, and we
    know that no matter how bad the week is, that we have a little Oasis to
    look forward to.  In between times, we will postpone our dinner until
    AJ is asleep, then we shut off the TV, the ringer on the phone, the
    scanner (we're involved in our town's Fire and ambulance dept.), the
    lights, and then grab a bottle of wine (doesn't have to be expensive)
    some nachos with cheese and salsa and/or some kind of sausage, and just
    kind of concentrate on each other.  It sort of makes the rest of the
    week, until our "night out" happens more bareable!
    
    As for our son, we have been involved in a 9 week parent training
    course to handle his "mild" hypeactivity.  Some very important things
    we have learned is as follows:	1) make sure you *Praise* him for
    doing things, even the smallest thing, right.  learn extreme amounts of
    self control, and DO NOT critcize, correct, or try to do things for
    him.  (it's the old saying of "you get more flies with honey than
    vinegar") we tried this and it was like having a new kid.
    We also learned that our stress level with have a definite impact on
    his behavior.  And he will know when you have no patience, and utilize
    it to the fullest.  and what is very important, REWARDS for both good
    behavior, and just to say I love you-you're the best!  And don't ever
    be to busy, proud, or angry to say I'm sorry to your child.
    
    (more as our course wraps up in the next couple weeks)
    Lyn
    

In tthe UK the TAMBA (Twins and Multiple Birth Association) operates a service
called Twinline. This is run by volunteers (HOW do parents of twins find the
time to volunteer for things ?) and is supposedly available for almost anything
to do with coping with twins or multiples. We've not felt the need to use it 
yet but it's nice to know that it's there.

Eric

re : .1 - Lyn, I really ENVY YOU with your babysitter !!!!  Since my dad
	died 18 months ago, I have yet to find a reliable babysitter
	that lives reasonably close by - being a single parent, I don't
	want to have to get the kid up to take the sitter home !!

re : the topic in general - boy could I use some help coping these days !!
	things are really stressed at the house right now - ever try
	living in 1-1/2 rooms ????  just about everything fun or important
	that we own is packed/stashed/jammed into the storage area or
	a free (??) corner while the renovations are getting done.  I know
	all of this is one of the main reasons I'm "losing it" more and
	I really kick myself sometimes for the way I'm acting (sometimes,
	tho' it seems like there's no other way to get thru !!).  
	If any helpful hints can be posted here on how to "lose it" more
	productively, I could sure use them !!!

Debbi J

    I am also a single parent and find that dealing with stress and a 
    two year old is very trying and difficult.  I lose it sometimes, and
    that makes me feel guilty.  I yell when I lose it, and I know in my
    head that is not very productive or effective, and of course it doesn't even
    make me feel better.  I told the woman at the daycare that he (my son)
    drives me crazy sometim, and she said "only if you let him".  So I try 
    to remember that when I am about to lose it, and sometimes it helps.

Markus was a particularly difficult baby and toddler.  I remember one tactic I
used when I really was ready to literally *kill* him.  Instead of spanking or
yelling, I'd do just the opposite, I'd grab him, hug him tight, and kiss him.
This would usually so shock him that I could quickly get him calmed down and
then "reason" with him.

Of course, this kind of worked because I occassionally did lose it so he was
surprised when I didn't :-)

Now, Dirk who is 13, is the one who drives me up the wall.  He moves as if he 
is a three legged turtle.  Like my mother would say, "slow as molasses in 
January."  His standard response to being asked to do something is "in a 
minute".  An hour later it still won't be done.  AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!

I found out quickly that whenever I spanked my children, it did nothing to help
the situation.  All it did was release my pent up anger and then make me feel
very very guilty and have to apologize to them afterward.  I gave that up
very early on.

ccb

    yesterday, my 9yr. old daughter was "fake" crying to keep from cleaning
    her room. She wanted to talk to me, but her crying was really getting
    on my nerves. I felt myself getting tense and "arguing" back with her.
    Until I caught myself, then I told her that I'd be in the kitchen, and
    when she calmed down and wanted to speak with me properly, she could
    come and get me.  It worked. She came into the kitchen within 5
    minutes, calmly asking me a question for help.  Both of us started
    laughing, 'cause we figured each other out.
    
    cindy 

    I can really relate to a lot of the notes in here.  We've had a tough
    winter at our house, and like .0, I'm a yeller -- third-generation
    yeller at that.  I get it from my dad's family.  But which would
    you rather do, yell at your kid or hit him/her?  
    
    I've been training myself to either not yell, or if I have to,
    confine the yelling to the action and the way it makes me feel:
    "I GET SO MAD WHEN YOU DON'T COOPERATE ABOUT GETTING DRESSED!"
    This way, my son knows I'm angry but it's at the situation, not
    at him.  This is a hard thing to do.  
    
    I've found that I have "triggers," things James does that just
    make me totally ballistic.  When I start losing my cool, I leave
    the room if at all possible.  If Mike is home (seldom these days),
    I ask him to take over.  Sometimes just getting a drink of water
    and spending 30 seconds in another room is enough to get me back
    on track.  Frequently, I'll tell James, "Look, I'm starting to
    get really ticked off.  I'm going to leave the room for a couple 
    of minutes and when I come back, I expect that [blank] will be
    done (or you will feel like you're able to cooperate, whatever).
    That kind of time out is good for both of us.  He's expecting a
    fight and isn't getting one; I'm not blowing my stack over relatively
    small stuff.
    
    It's all well and good for people to tell you "don't sweat the small
    stuff" and "they'll outgrow this" and "they're only kids."  I have
    never taken comfort in these statements.  I'm still a person, too,
    and I still have feelings, which include pride, love, frustration,
    exasperation and anger.  No matter how hard you try, your kids'
    behavior is going to trigger any and all of those feelings, sometimes
    in a matter of mere minutes.  To remain cool, calm and collected
    while your kid throws the mother of all temper tantrums in the 
    middle of a crowded supermarket is probably this side of impossible.
    You don't have to call the kid a rotten brat, but I don't see how
    any parent keeps her/his cool when their kids are acting up.
      
    
    

    re .7  Yes, yes, yes, YES!
    
    I'm a yeller too, and a wastebasket-kicker thrown into the bargain. 
    And I feel that if you [generic] knock yourself out trying to provide an
    artificial environment of radiant peace and contentment, you're
    cheating everybody.  Your own frustration turns inward and festers, and
    your child is in for a mega-culture-shock when s/he encounters the real
    world of *expressed* emotion.
    
    Alex knows exactly my level of "pi$$ed-offedness" when I blow up; it's
    always a lot of hot air and it blows over quickly.  I'll put myself in
    time out if I get to the "now I'm gonna THROW something" stage, but
    this by no means indicates that Alex is off the hook.  She knows I'm
    just taking a coherency break, and we'll reconvene for sentencing...!
    
    Leslie

    
    re .7
    
    Me too!  I just get pushed to the limit and then I yell.  I think kids
    like grownups have good days and bad days.  On the days when I have 
    little patience the kids seem to feedback on that and act worse.
    
    It is all very quick to blow over, and usually within minutes we are
    back to playing.  I don't believe in hiding my feelings from the
    children.  If I am mad or frustrated about something they know it, or
    if I am happy and pleased about something the know it too.
    
    I am due in 2 weeks with #3 and am really praying I have the patience
    that will be necessary for the next 2-3 years!  I'm sure I've got it
    in there somewhere.
    
    Karin