Conference moira::parenting_v3

    My first thought is "Who cares?" But, you do since you brought it up.
    She's only three and no one is going to put her on the front of PEOPLE
    as one of the worst dressed in 1992.  She is just expressing herself as
    all kids her age will.  My son (almost 5) will not wear his collars out
    (he tucks them all in) and hates sleeve cuffs (tucks them under, too). 
    I don't let it bother me - it's his comfort that is important.  At
    least he's dressed when he leaves the house.
    
    Once they develop a "sense of fashion" I'm sure you still won't like it --
    have you seen some of the teens these days!!! 
    
    -sandy
    

	Try picking her clothes out together the night before.  You'll have
	more time and won't be rushed.  

	If she wants to wear plaid pants with a checked shirt, at least she's
	wearing pants and a shirt!  At some point conformity will take over
	and she'll have to have what everyone else is wearing!  


	W-

Yes, we've gone through this.

Our daughter's pattern was that we went through the exact same phase your 
daughter is going through.  Then, around first or second grade, she went 
through a phase in which she was very neat and stylish.  Always wore dresses 
with matching tights.  Third grade or so on (she's now 11 and in sixth grade) 
jeans and tops, worn stylishly.

My wife an I often disagreed when she was going through your daughter's 
phase.  Unless it was some special occasion -- like for example a 
party --  my reaction would be that as long as it was appropriate for the 
weather, it was OK.  My wife often tried to get her to change their choice; 
sometimes she was successful, sometimes she was successful only after a 
shouting match, and sometimes she was unsuccessful.  And I will also admit 
that sometimes it was really difficult hold back from saying something, and 
sometimes I ended up in the battle myself.

It gets better; they start getting subjected to comments for worldlier kids, 
and become better at matching their clothes and wearing them properly (tucked 
in or not etc.)  When I say "until it gets worse," I mean that they will 
become expert not only at what they wear, but at what YOU wear also.  Who 
wants to hear, from and 11 year old girl, "Dad, you're not going to wear THAT 
tie with THAT suit, are you?!?!"  

My advice is to pick your fights carefully.  And believe me, if your daughter 
is 3, you will have many fights to pick from.  I chose to say "her taste is 
not a reflection on me."  If it makes you feel better, you may want to openly 
disavow her clothing selection, like saying to her sitter (out of your 
daughter's hearing) "I can't BELEIVE what she chose to wear today!"  If your 
sitter is experienced at all s/he will understand.

Clay

    My daughter (4 years old) does the same thing.  So I decided that we
    would scope out the closet together.  She picks the top OR bottom and I
    pick the opposite.  That way she always matches.  If she throws one of
    her tantrums and decides she wants to pick out BOTH, and it doesn't
    match, I'll say, "Honey, that doesn't match too well.  Ya know what? 
    That pink sweater would look real good with those pants."  And she
    usually buys it!!!!!
    
    We just make it a game of mommy picks this and Alyssa picks that.  That
    way if she picks out her tie-dyed shirt, I'll pick a pair of plain
    colored pants that will match.  And ALWAYS let her pick first!!
    
    Gail

What to do?  Let her wear the mismatched clothes.  When people look at her,
they'll know who picked the clothes, so it won't reflect on *your* taste.  ;-)

If you really want her to match, give her only 2 choices, and make sure
the top of one will match the bottom of the other *and* vice-versa.
That way, no matter what combo she chooses, she will match.

       Carol_whose_son_went_to_daycare_today_with_his_shoes_on_the_wrong_feet

I NEVER fought with my boys over what they wear.  Better way to spend my 
energies.  Markus went for a LOONNNNGGG period when he refused to wear jeans
and would only wear cords.  (Couldn't use those hand me downs from his brother)
Then, from one day to the next he changed.  I gave a friend about four pair of
almost new corduroys.

I was with a friend as we were sending our 13 years olds off for a week of
mountain bike camp.  We stood there looking at these 8 boys, all dressed
exactly alike, high top sneakers, oversized T-shirts hanging out from
underneath equally oversized sweatshirts with American basketball stars on them,
very baggy Levis jeans and "Bombers" black satin jackets with orange lining.

Her comment, "We spent years TRYING to get them to wear a uniform and now they 
do it all by themselves!!"

Markus had a favorite pair of shoes which were rather decrepit.  He had a
perfectly good pair of shoes at home that he refused to wear.  His teachers
said the other kids made fun of him.  I told her, "If it bothers him, HE can
change."  (There was nothing _wrong_ with his old shoes, they just didn't look
so great.) I asked him why he wouldn't wear his new shoes and if he minded that
everybody made fun of him.  He said, "No, I _like_ being different."

Ah, when they were babies and we could just put on them whatever _we_ liked :-)
I am currently having a marvelous time at the sales (they only have them twice 
a year here) purchasing tons of baby clothes for my grandchild to be.  He/she
is due in about a week.

ccb

    When she is totally mis-matched you........
    
    
    	Blame it on your husband......8^)
    
    
    	He blames it on you!    8^)
    

    Please also check note 914, on the same topic, plus hair styles.
    
    Laura
    co-mod

    This note couldn't be more timely.  We are at wits end with my 2 yr old
    (8/23/89).  He insists on wearing he same clothes day in and day out. 
    He has 3 favorite shirts that he wants to wear all the time.  That's
    fine except that ARE getting small.  My biggest problem is that he
    doesn't want to take the shirts off once he gets them on.  At night
    when it's time to change into PJ's we've ended up letting him keep it
    on under his blanket sleeper.  It's just not worth the fight to get him
    all worked up before bed.  (This is okay if it's not bath night - he's
    been taking alot of showers in the AM instead)  In the mornings though
    he still doesn't want to take the darn shirt off and 5 out of 7 days he
    and either my husband or I (sometimes both) end up getting all worked
    up over his getting changed.
    
    I'm not sure what to do.  I give him choices of what to wear all the
    time.  My oldest never cared about clothing at all.  Even now (5yrs
    old) if he picks out something that I don't think is acceptable, he is
    always willing to change.
    
    All I can suggest to you is that they are only toddlers.  In my case I
    tell myself he is 2.  2 yr olds can be so UNPREDICATABLE.  Just when yo
    thought you had them figured out they change their minds and make you
    wonder.
    
    Good Luck
    Donna

    
    Donna, how about telling him the "dryer" ate em up??? (then again, that
    could make him afraid of the dryer??)
    
    Or, do you know anyone who has a smaller child that you could say that
    he/she needed them very badly?
    
    I remember when my little sister was small, and they wanted to get rid
    of her Binky (pacifier), they were on a camping trip, and told her the
    momma squirrel needed it for her baby...  ???
    
    Just a thought,
    Chris
    
    

    
    When Rasika was 2, she wanted to wear this blue sweatshirt and red
    sweatpants ALLLLLLLLL the time.  Changing clothes was such a battle.
    
    So, I went and bought her 5 (exactly the same) blue sweatshirts and 5 
    (exactly the same) red sweatpants.  I changed her into a freshly 
    washed pair every morning. She slept in them at night (no pj's -- to
    much hassle to change.)
    
    Meanwhile, all the other clothes I bought her hibernated in the closet
    and in every picture we have of her during that phase, she looks the
    same !!
    
    Like everything else, it is a phase and it passes ...
    
    Pam
    
    .10 reminded me of something ... my dryer routinely ate a single sock
    from a different pair. So I bought 8 pairs of white socks (exactly tha
    same)!!!!

    My husband dresses like all your kids.  He wears old holey clothes and it
    embarrases me to no end at times.  He says they are comfortable.  There
    have been times I have just thrown stuff out they were so bad I 
    think the Salvation Army would have rejected them. 
    
    I can tell a big difference from when I dress Stephen (16� months) and
    when he does it.  When he dresses him he doesn't match and looks like
    some poor orphan child.  I have mentioned it a few times, but decided
    it wasn't worth the stress.  It makes me wonder if my hubby is color
    blind.
    
    Kathy 

I remember when I read "The Difficult Child" (see book section for reference)
there was a discussion in there about battles over clothes and how the
interaction between parent and child was part of the problem.  I can't 
remember the suggestions since this isn't a particular problem that ever
bothered me but I'm sure you could get lots of ideas for how to deal both
with your little one AND with your own feelings on the matter from the book.

Cheryl

    Sort of on the same line, my 3 year old would love to wear dresses and
    black mary jane shoes all the time if she had her way. And it's
    actually progressed from the dresses to just the white slip. So at
    night when we're home I let her strip down to her t-shirt and undies
    and put the slip and shoes on. She thinks she looks gorgeous. This
    drives my husband wild ( he thinks that church shoes and slips should
    be saved for good). It gives her so much joy for a couple hours a night
    that I can't see "saving" this stuff for good. She's almost out grown
    it. Maybe it's a phase as well. 
    
    Anyone else think I'm off my rocker?
    
    On picking out cloths. I will let her pick her cloths if she is feeling
    that way in the morning. And she has gone out in purple stretchie pants
    and a navy blue top, etc. For Christmas she was given several cute
    outfits where the tops and bottoms definitely match. I must have said
    that those outfits look cute on her because she will pick those out and
    say "doesn't this outfit look cute on me". 
    
    It could be worse, my little sister ran around in a tutu with a towel
    on her head (to simulate hair of course).
    
    Jan

    
    Yep, just this morning, Katie, my 2-1/2 year old wanted to wear her
    pj's out of the house.  I am all for giving kids reasonable choices,
    but I was not going to have her going out to the sitters all day in
    her pajamas.
    
    So lets get down to the nitty gritty issue here, what are the
    appropriate freedoms we feel a toddler needs to develop a sense of
    self, and what are we really afraid of/concerned about if we place
    certain restrictions on there freedom of choice?  Are we just trying
    to avoid conflicts or is there some underlying principles here we need
    to examine?
    
    Sue
    

re: .12 - My husband is exactly the same way, clothes don't match, etc.
He says it's because he has to get dressed in the dark in the morning.
It's been going on since I've known him!  I've even asked him to wear a
sign to work on particularly bad days: "My wife didn't see what I was
wearing this morning!". 

I can really relate to the base note! My 3-1/2 year old goes through this 
almost everyday.  She has certain clothes that she can wear to Nursery 
School, yet insists upon selecting something from the playclothes 
drawer!   These days we mostly reach a compromise, as I pick out 2 
outfits the night before and she can select 1 of them in the morning.

However, Jennifer recently brought home a picture from Nursery School
for our Christmas present. Much to my surprise, she was wearing
something that I never would have sent her out of the house in!  I then
realized that the picture was taken the week that I was in the hospital
(having our second child), and that my husband had dressed her for
school that day.  You can't win! 

/Linda

    I had to respond to this note.....
    
    My husband refers to me as "The Fashion Police"
    
    I'm one of those psycho mothers that wants her little girl to be
    perfectly matched, believe me, If I could change the way I am, I would. 
    I know it's silly but that's the way I am.
    
    To keep battles to the minimum I generally just ask if she has any 
    preference to what she wants to where, dress or pants/shirt.  The dress
    choice is easy, can't generally mismatch that.  If she chooses the
    other, she normally doesn't request the full wardrode and I fill in the
    blanks with the appropriate color, etc.
    
    
    
    

    My son has gone to the sitter's in his PJ's plenty of times!  I just
    don't have the time, energy, nor the desire to leave him for the day
    with bad feelings between us simply because of pajamas. I pack his
    clothes, and he comes home in them.  The sitter doesn't mind at all (of
    course, this is in her home with her two kids, not a structured daycare
    center).  She says he parks himself in a chair, has a cup of juice, and
    watches TV for about 30 minutes as soon as he gets there anyway.  When
    he's done "vegetating", she says he comes out to her, asks to get
    dressed, and they begin their daily activities.  So, if your sitter
    doesn't care, and they aren't going to see the president that day, what
    does it matter? For school pictures, or special days, I can see the
    point...
    Sarah

    
      I can't offer much advice but can relate to the problems.
    
      My son Stephen insists on wearing his shirts backwards.  He thinks
      it is great fun.  Many a day I pick him up at daycare with his
      collar in front and vneck in the back.  Oh well.
    
      As an aside...my husband dresses the kids in the morning and when I
      picked Allison up a few weeks ago she had on just tights and a shirt.
      When I asked where her jumper was the sitter said she didn't arrive
      with one.  She didn't mind at all, but my husband was embarassed when
      I told him.  I guess he was extra sleepy that morning!

    
    Alice (4) has a definite, if warped, fashion sense.  I finally had to
    bury the "butterfly" sweats in the backyard--worn-out and five inches
    too short, this ensemble was her absolute favorite.  She refuses to
    wear dresses, skirts or tights.  
    
    The replacement first-choice is a nylon running suit.  She is the King
    of Rock and Roll when she wears it and she runs around rapping "Ice,
    Ice, Baby."
                              
    We pretty much let her wear what she wants. (As if we had a choice.)
    
    Mike