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Conference moira::parenting_v3

Title:	Parenting
Notice:	READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING
Moderator:	CSC32::DUBOIS

Created:	Wed May 30 1990
Last Modified:	Tue May 27 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1364
Total number of notes:	23848

1282.0. "Surviving an adoption" by TANNAY::BETTELS (Cheryl, Eur. Ext. Res. Prg., DTN 821-4022) Mon Jan 20 1992 04:31

I mentioned in the "grandparents" note that my 18 year old niece who is 
recently divorced was going to have a baby and the baby would most likely be
put up for adoption.

Well, Mindi had a baby girl by Caesarian on New Year's Eve and did give the 
baby away.  The adoption was handled by a lawyer with the stipulation that 
there is to be no contact.  Mindi had all her expenses paid and received some
cash (about $2000) which she sorely needs to get back on her feet.

Now, I have a question for all of you.  Our family is very close and this has
caused a lot of pain for all of us, particularly for Mindi.  The worst part of
it was the behavior of her step mother who tried first, to have the baby
adopted by a couple she knows so that she could have grandparents' "visiting 
rights", and who then tried to collect the "finder's fee" from Mindi as the
person who made the adoption possible.

Mindi's natural mother is in no situation to help her since she has just been
through a divorce herself and has two small children to look after.  Mindi's
maternal grandparents have disowned her because she gave the baby up.  My own
parents are too old and too poor to offer more than moral support.

I think Mindi would probably survive this better with a good supportive family
environment and my parents (her paternal grandparents) and brothers and sisters
will probably try to give her that if they can do so without making her feel
hounded.  She has already had her phone disconnected.  Her stepmother is still
trying to run her life.

Now, to finally get to my question :-) My own step daughter will be having a 
baby in February.  These are the first grandchildren to be born of their
generation in our family.  We are natually proud and excited about our
grandchild-to-be but realise that the event is over shadowed by the emotional
event that has taken place much closer (geographically) to my family.  

We are having a big family reunion this summer for my parents 50th wedding
anniversary.  How do we treat this situation?  Pretend that the little girl 
Mindi had never existed?  Downplay our own joy over our grandchild?

And what about Mindi?  I would very much like to do something but have no idea
what.  I don't want to be patronising.  I think that she probably did make the
best choice both for herself and for her child.  But it must be very very hard 
for her, especially with the evil stepmother hovering in the wings.

Any ideas?

Cheryl

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
1282.1	Lead From The Heart	USOPS::OP_DONOVAN		`Mon Jan 20 1992 05:11`	14
	Hi Cheryl, Have you considered waiting until Mindi brings up the subject? If she offers congratulations, which she probably will, thank her. You know her better than we do. Your compassion is warm. She will feel that, I'm sure. If you think it's appropriate to say tell her that you know she's been through alot and that you'll be there if she wants to talk, I'm sure she'll appreciate it. I think she's lucky to have an aunt sho really cares about her feelings. Kate
1282.2	Love/Support ... and "space" to cope and ;heal	CALS::JENSEN		`Mon Jan 20 1992 09:52`	34
	I would let Mindi know that you love her and support her ... and to feel free to lean on you ANYTIME she feels a need to ... and then leave the ball in Mindi's court. Mindi will be going through a typical pattern as the 5-stages of severance: (I can only remember 4 of them right now) denial, bartering, anger and acceptance. Everyone goes through these stages at different paces and some fall back and re-enter a stage before finally exiting it. To walk on eggshells will only make Mindi feel uncomfortable and possibly remind her of her sadness at a time when she is trying hard to recover, get on with her life and possibly be happy for her cousin (despite her own decision to the contrary). Just love and support Mindi ... and let Mindi make the moves at "her pace" and on "her terms". At the ODS Conference seminars many young mothers who released their children to adoption (they did not GIVE THEM AWAY!, but released them to a better life) said they felt hurt and uncomfortable when people appeared to "walk on eggshells" in their presence ... they felt "branded" ... they desperately wanted to get their lives back to some normalcy without the feeling that society was "observing" them during an emotional time (holidays, baby's birthday, family baby showers, etc.). They wanted to heal and get on with their lives. Many wanted to grieve privately ... and they wanted to be the one to decide "when" and "to whom" they would confide if they really needed a shoulder to lean on. So I would let Mindi know you love/support her and to contact you anytime she wishes. My two cents. Dottie
1282.3	I'd love to let Mindi lean on me but the distance is so great	TANNAY::BETTELS	Cheryl, Eur. Ext. Res. Prg., DTN 821-4022	`Mon Jan 20 1992 10:28`	12
	We're separated by an ocean and I don't know how to let her know I care. She can hardly call and talk to me, I know her only as a baby. I am a very far away relative for her although very close to the members of my generation that I grew up with. If I could send her something or take her something or let her know that I am thinking specially of her, I would but I don't know how to do this. I called my mother last night and asked her to give my special wishes to Mindi. There probably isn't much else I can do for now. But it is so sad for her. She has had such a hard hard life and I wish I could do something. ccb
1282.4	but they are useful on occasion	TLE::RANDALL	liberal feminist redneck pacifist	`Mon Jan 20 1992 10:38`	19
	Cheryl, Maybe you could send her a card or letter that says "thinking of you" or something like that, and mention that she can call or write back if she needs to (or call you collect, or come and live with you, or whatever you feel comfortable offering). If it feels natural, you might include some warm memory of her father (who I assume is your brother?) that explains why you think of her warmly even though you don't know her personally. If the "ocean" is the Atlantic, and Mindi is living in the U.S., the card would be the most natural thing -- people kind of expect them for any kind of event. If it's a different country, a letter might be better -- I'm not sure about that, but I have an impression that other countries disapprove of greeting cards . . . --bonnie
1282.5	Accept the reality	ELMAGO::PHUNTLEY		`Wed Feb 19 1992 00:56`	17
	It's been a while since this note was generated but as a birth mother who relinquished I felt I had to reply. I agree with Bonnie, give her the opportunity to use you for support but don't force the issue. I remember feeling so very lonely. I kept my "secret" from every one except family for two years and what a burden that secret was! When I did finally begin to talk about the little boy that I gave up I got mixed reactions but answering questions was much easier than carrying the secret and pretending like it never happened. Something else also happened when I began to share, my family followed suit and finally I felt like every one could acknowledge that baby and that he was very real. It's been ten years now and on occasion the little boy comes up and now we all call him by the name I gave him at birth, Ray. Just be there for her and acknowledge that what she went through was real. Pam