Conference moira::parenting_v3

Caryn,

I know how you feel and I have no new baby and no ex to deal with.  Markus (11
yrs) has been so impossible this vacation that I don't know what to do.  He
flies off the handle at the smallest thing and constantly fights with his
brother, his father and, if he succeeds in getting me really upset, even with
me.  I think it is the holidays.

We're planning to go for six weeks to the U.S. this summer and take out a
camper.  The only thing that has worked is that we are threatening to put him
in a six week long summer camp if he doesn't shape up.  Considering the stress
that he can generate in J�rgen, this is no empty threat and he knows it.

The way I have been handling it has been to have VERY SERIOUS TALKS with him
and then to put him in his room and let him think about it.  After he gets over
his anger, he usually apologizes.  It is dealing with the anger and stress that
it generates in the rest of the family that I find the hardest.  Markus, on his
own, I can manage but when he sets of his father and brother and everybody is
fighting, I just want to walkout the door.

And he *really* knows how to get J�rgen's goat.  I think it is a form of
emotional blackmail.

Soon their back to school again and, hopefully, back to normal.

Sorry I have no better advice but as so many have said... this too will pass.

Cheryl

    It's probably not the answer, but you may want to double check to make
    sure there's not a medical reason.
    
    Also, a friend of mine has a 16 year old daughter who's had the house
    on end.  Finally, she insisted that her daughter go to therapy because
    no one could understand why she insisted on being so cruel/disruptive. 
    So far it's helped a lot, and let them BOTH be able to air a lot of
    hidden frustrations.
    
    Sounded kind of drastic to me at first, but they were at wits' end, and
    if you could see the improvements, you'd go too!
    
    Good Luck!
    

    One thing that used to help sometimes when Kat was starting to
    realize she had to learn to deal with her own problems and I
    couldn't fix them for her was making  extra opportunities to do
    things with her  -- not things that seem planned or contrived but
    just opportunities for conversation.  Often things came up while
    we were sharing work cleaning out a closet or driving to Boston or
    whatever that never came up in "Will you please tell me what's
    wrong" situations.
    
    --bonnie

    
    
    It seems to me that your son is going through an awful lot.  His
    natural father didn't see him during the holidays... (abandonment). He
    has a new sibling which brings up the sibling rivilary just as sure as
    the sun is going to rise.  Also, this new child represents a bond
    between you and your husband which isn't there with him.  No matter how
    well your husband and you treat him, it isn't the same.  He's got a
    right to be angry.  He's only 11 or so and on top of all the other
    stuff he's got hormones about to start raging.  What a great age!
    
    Bonnie has a good idea, spend more time with him trying to get it out
    of him what's wrong.  He may not be able to verbalize it though.  Let
    him know it's okay for him to be angry with the situation he's in. 
    However, it's how he expresses his anger that's bothering you.  You
    need to help him find another outlet.
    
    Sometimes, though, it's enough to just acknowledge that they're angry
    and they have a right to be angry.
    
    
    jean
    
    

    Something that helped my 5 year old when he was angry was that I told
    him to bang his fist into a pillow and get out the anger.  He has a 
    wrestling figure pillow my sister gave him last year.  He decided to
    get that and he took that pillow and wammed it against the floor and 
    beat on it and within 1 minute he was laughing.  It was amazing.  He
    got out the anger and we had talked about it before hand though and
    identified the feeling first.
    
    Remember, don't ask anyone to apologize for being angry because it is
    okay to be feel angry (it's only a feeling), its what we do with the
    anger that we may have to apologize for!
    
    

    I have an angry 11 year old too.  Her mom and I split up a year ago,
    which made it easy to understand why her anger began, but it didn't
    help resolve it.  She's still angry, but not as much.
    
    I think she's angry at us for destroying her family, and insecure in
    our continued love for her.  She responds well to attention, the more
    the better.  She doesn't really know why she's angry, and she doesn't
    know how to deal with it.  As the residential parent, I get a lot of
    the anger, and I've found that she is getting better at dealing with
    the anger when I can spend time with her (I have three kids, and a full
    time job, so that isn't easy).  We talk about her anger, and what she
    can do about it.  I like the pillow idea - I had a counselor
    (therapist) suggest just such a thing for her.  Once she calms down,
    she can also direct some of the energy into creative work, like drawing
    and music, both of which she loves.
    
    I find it isn't always as important to try to get her to express WHY
    she's angry - often she can't tell me.  Most times, the best thing to
    do is spend time with her, talk to her, or just hold her and watch some
    TV together.  Give her lots of affection, but only after she's calmed
    down - I don't want to reward her antisocial behaviour.  If she's
    really out of control, I can usually send her to her room until she's
    calm, and then spend time with her later.  That helps.  Lately she has
    begun to recognise the behaviour after the fact, and she usually comes
    right out and apologizes.  I consider that to be a good sign.
    
    I also find that it's REALLY hard not to get angry at HER for being
    such a mouthy, obnoxious, brat.  It's important for me to suppress that
    - it isn't her fault, and she really isn't that person.  Getting angry
    at her and losing MY cool just makes matters MUCH worse.
    
    I hope this helps.
    
    tim
    
    P.S. Yes, I'm a residential FATHER - a real oddball, huh?
    
    

    Our ll year old (male) has begun testing us lately with behaviors he
    picks up from his aftercare program.  The behavior is one of two
    patterns.  He will argue with us over anything we ask him to do.  I
    know that this is typical 11 year old behavior and we will have to live
    with it for the time being.  The second pattern is that he tries to suck 
    us in to get us angry and when we become angry he refuses to listen to us 
    and stalks out of the room without our permission.  He seems to enjoy this 
    attention-getter very much.  We'd like to break this pattern NOW.
    
    To further complicate the situation, he came to live with us about a
    year ago.  The child is currently in therapy and is quite a handful
    (has not developed a sense of authority in society to name one issue,
    controling, low self-esteem and stubborn). He was left to run wild and 
    when he became a handful, he was handed over to us.  The child is also an 
    attention junky and will go out of his way to receive any kind of 
    attention; both positive and negative.  
    
    After the confrontation settles down, we dole out the appropriate 
    punishment (take away privledges, etc.).  I have noticed that this 
    behavior is a recent one and is directly related to the child he is 
    playing with his after school program.  I have spoken with the aftercare 
    person in charge and it is clear that she cannot handle the older children.
    I have plans to meet with her manager next week to discuss this and other 
    problems I have with the program.
    
    Sorry to go on and on like this, but we need to nip this behavior in
    the bud.  I'd appreciate any suggestions from those of you with 11 year
    olds to deal with this.