Conference moira::parenting_v3

We had this problem particularly when the boys, now 11 and 13, were around
4 to 9 or so.  Mainly Markus, the younger boy, was trying to copy his older
brother Dirk.  As they get older, they start to develop different interests
and their wanting the same things becomes less of a problem.  Then it changes
into the younger one wanting to DO the same things.

For the most part, when it was appropriate to get two of the same thing (a
remote controlled all terrain vehicle springs to mind) then we sometimes did
so.  But not always.  Sometimes with more expensive items, they are expected
to share.  And if one has a birthday, the other doesn't get anything.  It is
not _his_ special day.

We do try to give them things at Christmas which are more or less equal in
number of gifts and wish fulfillment.  It wouldn't do to have one given
preference over the other.  But the gifts are selected to emphasize each child's
special interests, not because "his brother" gets one.  The hardest part is to
get Markus to realise what he really wants as opposed to what he wants because
his brother has one.

ccb

    
    I agree with Cheryl. The idea is to treat each one fairly and with
    equality (not always easy with mixed sexes either). They don't always
    understand but they know we try and the arguments aren't very long. My
    older 2 (boy 12 girl 11) are close enough in age that doing things
    isn't too much of a problem. Occasionally the older one gets frustrated
    because as new things come along we often let both of them do them at
    the same time. They need to understand that age isn't the only factor
    in a parents decision too. Sometimes maturity will play a factor with 
    kids that close in age. 
    
    As for providing them with the same things I often find I have to sit
    down with the one who asked second (or third) and feel pretty
    comfortable that it's really something they have an interest in not
    something they want because the other one got it. I'll admit there
    have been times I've hesitated over that decision only to find out
    later that although the initial interest was because the first child
    wanted something the second child's interest was peeked and he/she 
    became the one with the primary interest. With kids posession is 
    important but they need to understand too that mommy and/or daddy
    isn't made of money and can't always provide individual things for each
    kid. They also need to learn to share even if M&D could afford it!
    

   Well, now that Christmas is over... 
   
   First, my two girls are younger than the examples listed above -
   2.9 and 15 months - so I guess I have some fun discussions to look
   forward to as they get older.. :-)
   
   Well, we actually did go mostly with equity for Christmas.  For
   example, the little one got fat crayons, so the older one got a
   small box of crayons too (she already had some anyway) - they both
   got a stuff animal and some books, but they were different animals
   and different books.  For the moment, at least, it seems we have
   chosen to follow equity.  Maybe it will be easier to handle when
   they get old enough to really reason with at this level.
   
   - Tom

    	Just don't get too carried away with the equity bit.  My maternal 
    Grandmother always insisted on getting my sister and I the exact same
    gift (oh, they might vary in color from time to time but that's it).  We
    are a family that opens presents one at a time so that we have time to 
    see what everyone got and admire it and so on.  We always had to make
    an exception for Granny's gifts because if one of us opened it first,
    it would spoil the surprise for the other one.  I'm 30; my sister is
    33.  This year granny *still* gave us identical gifts.  In trying to 
    deal out "equity", she has made us feel like we are not individuals in
    her mind and that she might suspect that we would give a rip that one
    of us would get a dollars more present than the other.   (She probably
    does think that we would be adding costs in out mind and comparing;
    cause that's what she'd be doing in our place...)  
    
    	As you can probably tell, my relationship with her is strained at
    best and I'm sure that that influences how I view "equity" in gifts.  
    But have gone through "non-equity" with my parents' I'd have to say
    that's the way to go.  They got us what was appropriate and would be
    appreciated.  If that meant one of ended up with a couple more presents
    or presents that were worth a little more, so be it.  I think that it
    taught us a healthy attitude about gift giving and receiving, in that 
    it's not the number or cost that's important , it's that fact that
    someone cared enough about you as a individual  to get something
    tailored just for you.  
    
    	My two cents...
    
    Tracey

I know two sisters in their mid-thirties whose mother gets them identical
gifts.  In this case, the favored sister gets to pick what *she* likes,
and the mother gets the black sheep sister an identical or similar gift
(color may be different, for example).  Of course, the two sisters have
very different tastes.  This situation causes lots of friction.

    Well, my boys are almost-4 and 6 1/2.  For Christmas, I just couldn't
    stand the thought of them arguing over every single gift that they got
    'different' from each other.  So, I bought basically 2 of everything. 
    The things that I DID want to be more special were gifts to both of
    them.  From a friend they each got a very different game.
    
    The result;
    
    The things they got the same, they both play with and enjoy.
    The things they got to share for "both" of them, neither of them has
    touched (and these were things they REALLY wanted!).
    The games that they got from a friend, they haven't stopped arguing
    about.
    
    My husband didn't get them anything even SIMILAR to each other - got
    something perhaps a little beyond his age range for the older, and
    perhaps a little beneath his age range for the younger --- and they're
    playing marvelously with those things.
    
    Seemed strange to me!!  BUT I know I DID feel real bad that I didn't
    pay more attention to each personality and get them gifts they REALLY
    wanted. (of course, has ANYone seen the Nerf Bow and Arrow?).
    
    Live and learn ....
    
    Patty

    Since we were married my husband always bought the 3 boys identical
    gifts, and a larger gift to share.  I didn't like that - it wasn't the
    way I was raised, and it seemed to remove any individuality from his
    relationship with them.  (Compounded by the fact that he did everything
    equally for them, and never can spend one-on-one with any of them in
    the short times he has them).
    
    After a few years of prodding, I finally convinced him to get
    individual gifts last year.   We did a "theme" for each.  The youngest
    was ninja turtles - we got him lots of things to do with that.  The
    middle was music - we got him a walkman, cassette tape, etc...  THe
    oldest was sports - we got him a sports bag and filled it with lots of
    neat stuff.  We didn't have much money and were worried that they would
    be disappointed in their "small" stash.  Not so.  In fact, after
    Christmas day the ex made a special point to call and say that the boys
    said it was the best Christmas they ever had.  I think I know why.....
    
    Kristen