Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Yup, in a nutshell you have to stand your ground, and stand it
    firmly,and be consistent.
    and consult with the other when the kid(s) make a request.  Find out if
    your mate has already voiced an opinion on the subject at hand,
    generally it wasn't the answer the kid wanted to hear, why else is he
    asking you too? and try to agree as much as possible when the kids are
    around.  If you really must disagree try to do it away from the kids
    earshot.  I've found kids just love to do the "well mom said, or dad
    said" routine.  I was raised with if I asked one parent then the other,
    the second parent always asked what opinion the first one had made,
    sort of a self-checking system.
    
    If you really need to discuss it now, in front of the kids you'd better
    be ready to debate two against one, your mate AND the kid against one
    of you, so choose your arguments wisely!

    We have a rule at our house that any problem Lisa or I have with
    regards to how the other acted to/disciplined the children, it would be
    brought up away from the children and pretty much then an there (honey
    can I talk to you in the other room , please) as possible.  There are
    going to be differences as you both have come from different
    upbringings.  Also, don't pick on the petty things, rather save the
    confrontations for the bigger items.  It might be good to sit down with
    one another (I find that if this is done naked, the differences are
    ironed out easier-there is less of a hostile environment :')  After the
    kids are in bed, of course.)  and decide together how you are going to
    handle certain situations.  Compromise is a key factor.
    
    
    Mike

Most of the time, Jim/I "kind of" agree on what's acceptable and not acceptable.
What we often have trouble agreeing on are things that fall "between"
CLEARLY acceptable or CLEARLY unacceptable.

We found the important thing is to stay CONSISTENT and UNITED (to avoid
the child from taking advantage of one parent over the other ... or worst
yet, pitting one parent AGAINST the other).

... so, which ever parent is "most involved" in the incident usually is the
one to take action or control ... or the parent who "first" takes action or
control or the parent who finds the behavior "most" offending.

If we disagree with each other, we "save it" for further discussion LATER,
when the dust settles a bit AND Juli's usually not around to hear or
understand who's pro and who's con.

Rarely do we WHOLE-heartedly disagree ... it's more like "Gee, Hon, was
it really all that bad?"

I find it hard not to laugh at some of Juli's shenanagans ... I wonder what
she thinks when she sees Mom bee-line for the bathroom, attempting to
muffle my hysterical laughter ... while Jim's trying to keep a straight face 
and explain how "unacceptable" her behavior or "words" were!!

Also, I think it's equally important to agree on types of reprimand ...
no spanking, no screaming, do timeouts, who cleans it up, if Dad takes away 
the TV - Mom can't give in and give it back ... if Mommy reprimands, Dad
shouldn't pick up and comfort the child ... those kinds of things.

No one said parenting was easy ... it's so hard to "zip my lips" sometimes!

Dottie

    If you cannot agree on standards between you, then maybe it is time
    to look at taking at a course such as P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness
    Training) for both of you, so you both get a chance to see how
    others handle their kids.  It would be much easier to discuss this
    kind of thing face to face with both of you there, with other parents
    around.  Even if you don't get around to all the things that divide
    you, then you'll have also learned techniques for dealing with each
    other (yes, you do sometimes have to be your spouse's parent!) and
    you'll probably have discovered where each other is coming from,
    which will make finding a centre ground more easy, and one you will
    both be at least a little happier with.
    
    Stuart

    Thanks for all your comments.  I hope many more will follow!

A couple of comments:

     If one of us (the parents) has turned down a request, we try
to tell the other.  This 

     -    makes it less likely that we will get played
          off against each other

     -    establishes knowledge base of how the other
          spouse responds to certain situations.  Even
          if we approach them differently, we know what
          the differences are, and can discuss them.  And
	  if we disagree, we can discuss it between 
	  ourselves

     -    if, as a result of discussion the decision is
          reversed, the person who originally said "no"
          can communicate the reversal, thereby  avoiding
          the appearance of disunity, or one of us
          overruling the other.

     Additionally, we try to make the kids understand that _trying_
to play us off against each other is in itself undesirable
behavior.  At a minimum, it draws censure; it may also mean the
revocation of a privilege previously granted.

Clay

    When our children were still living at home (all out on their own now)
    no matter how much we disagreed with each other we never did it in
    front of them.  If it was a big decision we would always tell our kids
    that when we (dad and I) discussed it, we would then tell them OUR
    decision.  They very rarely tried to put one against the other.  Kids
    will always try and get away with what they can -- let's face when we
    were kids we tried, so we have to expect it from them, but you set
    the ground rules.  If one of our children lied and said, "Mom said we
    could", when in fact I didn't, punishment was in order.  Thank God, it
    only happened a couple of times.
    
    The only advice I can give you is be united in front of the kids.
    
    My .2 cents worth.
    
    Joan
      

    
    This very issue is addressed in the most recent PARENTS magazine. I
    just got mine in the mail a couple of days ago. Just thought you might
    want to take a look at it if you see one around.
    
    Patty

    re.8
    Thanks for the referral.
    

    
    Just want to let you know what can happen when you *don't* stand
    united!! We have a 16 year old that has been putting us through the
    wringer for the last two years. I believe part of the reason is because
    we didn't show a united front. I felt my husband (Jim) was too strict
    so I re-acted by being too lenient and spoiling her. It isn't worth it
    I can tell you.. The pain we have been through these last two years is
    too hard to even begin to explain. If I had it to do over, I would
    definitely discuss every thing with Jim before making *any* decisions.
    Remember that song, "United we stand, divided we fall"? It is so true!!
    Our family was almost destoryed by my daughter's acts of rebellion and
    who could I blame but myself? She was only doing what I had taught her
    to do. However, after much prayer she is back on track and we are
    becoming a happy family again.
    
    Trudy