Conference moira::parenting_v3

     I think it's appropriate that you work with her on her socialization
skills, but from the way you describe them, they sound more or less normal
for a first grader.  What does a normal first grader do when they don't have
anything to do, and are just supposed to sit in their chair and be quiet?
Or is there something else, like not socializing well during play periods or 
free time?   

     Remember that her behavior skills should be rated against her
chronological, not her intellectual, age.  Often, when a child is
intellectually or physically "ahead" in some attribute, it is assumed that
they should be ahead in other attributes -- for example, if a child who reads
at a third grade level, it is assumed that they should do math at a third
grade level, and behave like a third grader.  That's very unfair to the
child.  So just make sure that her behavior is rated against a fair standard.

     We had somewhat of the same situation with our son.  He has a late
August birthday, and since many parents of kids in September -- December
don't start their children in kindergarten until they're five (we have a
December 31 cutoff), he was the youngest kid in his class.  He is a good
reader, and academically, he was one of the better students, but he still
acted "young."  We found ourselves frequently expecting his behavioral "age"
to match his intellectual "age," and sometimes we were quite unfair to him. 
He was truly "acting his age," but we were correcting him for it.

     I think that the teacher has the right idea.  If she gets done with her
work, give her more work.  If she has work to do and still bothers other
kids, then you may have a real problem.  I think that you should work with
the teacher to find more and interesting things for her to do.  And rather
than teach her to act "properly" when she is idle (against human nature for
a 7 year old), try to ensure that she is never idle. 

Clay

    What you said is so true.  If they act mature, we try to expect
    them to be mature all the time and when they aren't, we try to correct
    it.  We have to keep reminding ourselves of her age.
    
    However, her socializing goes into her playtime/recess also, although I
    know kids her age or older do the same thing.  One time a boy hit her
    on the head and she in turn hit him back.  She (I never found out if
    the boy got put on suspension) got 3 of her recesses suspended and she
    was put into a classroom where they teach them how to socialize better
    (it's a program the school has).  I suggested to my daughter that next
    time something like this happens, walk away from the situation and
    inform the recess teacher.  She has done so since.
     
    Just this week, an older school grade boy was running down the hall and
    knocked her down.  The boy's teacher had him write an apology note to
    my daughter.  She brought it home to show us and thought it was the
    greatest thing.
    
    Well, any further feedback would be appreciated.
     
    
    

    Sounds like Steven last year... he's also ahead in reading and
    ahead intellectually, but behind in self-control.
    
    We've found it helpful to keep the focus on the positive, by
    trying to focus on the good things about, say, finishing first. 
    This was difficult for us because when Steven gets real bored, his
    normal reaction is to totally reject the activity.  And of course
    when you don't do your math papers, teachers usually think it's
    because you don't understand math, not because you've been able to
    add 2 and 2 since you were 4.  Also, it sounds like your
    daughter's teacher is handling it well.  Last year Steven's
    "reward" for sticking to his boring math and phonics papers and
    finishing them was to get more boring math and phonics papers to
    do. . . 
    
    --bonnie

    That is a good idea to give her positive feedback on finishing her
    work.  We try to do that with her homework that she brings home and
    in other areas also.  
    
    She is also in the Girl Scout Brownies this year and I hope that will
    help in her socializing with others also.
    
    Karen

    Karen, 
    
    Based on our experience with Steven, yes, working in a group at a
    common task that they all enjoy will be a big help in
    socialization. 
    
    Which reminds me, it's important also to give her plenty of time
    when she *doesn't* need to be working on her socializing -- doing
    "just goofing off" kinds of activities or playing alone or
    whatever it is that she likes to do.  For Steven, it's reading or
    doing art projects, turning paper and glue and a handful of
    crushed coal into a sculpture of a mountain.  
    
    I suspect this is the reason why some kids turn so deeply to video
    games, too -- it's an acceptable relief from the pressures of
    having to behave and interact.  
    
    --bonnie
    
    

    Bonnie,
    
    Krystal likes to do the same thing--reading and art.  I was just
    telling my husband last night that she is very creative in drawing. 
    She amazes me with the drawings she shows me.  When she plays with her
    Lite-Brite, she creates her own designs besides using the templates
    that come with it.  She has asked us if we could get her more pegs
    to make better pictures.
    
    Well, I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for Friday to come when the
    teacher will send home her report and we'll go from there.
    
    Karen

    Best wishes...it's hard going through this kind of thing.  
    
    But I guess it's even harder for them.  Here they are getting in
    trouble for things they don't even understand, and with less emotional
    resources to deal with it . . . poor kids.
    
    --bonnie

    Hmm..similar situation, different twist. My son is in Readiness because
    he had a Sept b-day and was just too young for 1st grade. But,
    academically is is far ahead the other kids in his class. His teacher
    is frustrated with him though, because since he loves the work so much
    he drags it out (colors in every dot, etc) so that he has to do his
    work over recess time rather than go out for recess. This is just fine
    for him, but he NEEDS to socialize, he doesn't NEED to work!
    
    I think he's avoiding the socialization part, for whatever reasons.
    He says its because he loves the work. I think it is because the other
    boys are so much bigger and more aggressive than he is, so he just
    avoids them. When he does go out to recess, he plays with the girls.
    
    How do you get a child to finish and stop what he loves to do?
    As a result, she sends him out to recess and sends the unfinished
    papers home. I make him finish his papers before he can do anything
    else, and at home he can finish them in less than 30 seconds. (I'm not
    exaggerating!)
    
    Gale

    My daughter is sometimes very precise in her coloring, etc. and she
    also ends up bringing her work home.  How can we tell them "don't take
    so long in doing something" if they're trying to do their best.  My
    daughter likes to have friends and tries too hard sometimes.  As my
    husband tells me, "The best we can do is guide them along and hope they
    make the right decision."
    
    Well, I waited all week for her first weekly report and when I got
    home Friday, I was very anxious to see what it said.  The teacher did
    not send one home.  This was rather upsetting to me.  The teacher had
    my daughter, herself, and my husband sign a contract-like paragraph on
    areas that we all can work on.  I don't think it is fair to ask a child
    to do their part and another one.  
    
    Karen

    Have received a few reports stating that my daughter is bothering other
    children to get their attention.  Nothing violent and there are other
    children that have the problem of hitting, kicking, etc. but this
    really concerns me.  What could be causing her to do this?  She has
    also started having nightmares where she is screaming out things like
    "No", "I don't want to", "Leave me alone"....  This also worries me. 
    This has been going on for two weeks now.  The only change since this
    started is that my husband has started working and she goes to the same
    daycare where her little brother goes, where she is only there about
    2-2 1/2 hours and her brother is there all day.  I'm hoping this is the
    cause and nothing more serious.
    

re: .10 

How old is your daughter?  Is she of school age?  Do the other kids reject her 
entirely, or only when she tries to get their attention in this manner.

>    She has
>    also started having nightmares where she is screaming out things like
>    "No", "I don't want to", "Leave me alone"....  

The nightmares might be caused by the fact that that's how the other kids 
react to her, and that is disturbing to her.  For example, she may try to get 
another kid's attention, and the other kid says "No," or "I don't want to," or 
"Leave me alone."  The cause?  I don't know.  One possibility is that the 
she's gotten out of the hang of how to interact with other kids (or is the 
reason that she is only there a few hours because she is in school?).

Clay

    She is 7 years old and going to a full day class in 1st grade.  You may
    have something there about the other kids may be rejecting her and her
    having dreams about that.
    
    I just talked to the school counselor who has been seeing her and other
    children in 1st grade with similar problems.  He gave me some positive
    feedback in that she does listen to what he has to say and that they
    will be working with her to re-emphasize the things that are
    right/wrong.  He said it may take a while--maybe this whole school year
    and maybe into 2nd grade but to give it time.  I explained to the
    counselor of the things that have been going on and he said that my
    daughter is very perceptive and may be trying to deal with that in her
    own way.  And she does tend to worry, just like her mom.
    
    All-in-all the counselor did settle some of my concern for my daughter
    and reassured me that they will keep working with her at school and we
    would work with her at home.  And if I had any other concerns, to give
    him a call or visit.
    
    Thank you for your input.  Welcome more.

    The last few notes interest me in that my 9yr. daughter is somewhat
    similar to the issues expressed in these notes.
    
    I've tended to put a lot of blame on myself and on her dad's.  Anyway,
    there's not much I can do to change the past, so we're doing our
    darnest to help her now.
    
    Our daughter is frequently a topic of discussion in her class meetings. 
    She doesn't keep friends her age very long.  She also has a negative
    self-image, which I'm learning how to deal with and trying to help change to
    a more positive one.
    
    I've come to understand that the types of discipline and the style of
    relationship that I have with her are contributing factors in her
    character, both in school and out.  I believe it will take time to help
    my daughter gain a better attitude, but a emphasis and encouragement
    should be placed on her positive moves, and very little said about her
    "not so good" bad papers.  Any progress that she makes is very much
    praised and we are truly beginning to see improvement in her school
    work.  Her pride is coming through and it makes me feel happy.
    
    I'm also spending a lot more time with just her than I use too, and
    it's helping much.  I'm even enjoying it!
    
    Although this may be a sad statement, I'm honest about it in saying
    that I had thought "parenting" comes naturally and that I would just
    know the right thing to do, but as these years have come to show me, I
    am learning all the while.  I never thought that "parenting" classes
    were necessary but rather for people that were too "righteous", if
    that's the word I'm looking for.  But, it seems to me that
    "disciplining" is truly an Art.
    
    Cindy                                                   

    With the cries of "leave me alone" she might also be expressing
    her reaction to the overtures of others, which might appear
    intrusive or harrassing from her perspective.  In first grade when
    you first get contact with all the rules and stuff, it can feel
    like everybody is trying to run your life for you and you don't
    have any control left.  I can still remember feeling that way, and
    Steven went through similar reactions.  
    
    Giving him more unstructured time seemed to help him a lot.  Also,
    when he moved into the same bedroom with his baby brother, that
    left the other room free as a playroom where he can go in, shut
    the door, and do whatever he wants to do.  That seemed to make a
    difference to him. 
    
    --bonnie

    1206.13
    
    Cindy,
    
    I am also trying to spending some quality time with her alone.  Of
    course, my son doesn't like that but I feel it necessary to take off
    and go window shopping or just sit down with her and talk.  She, and I,
    enjoy our time together.  I also spending some with my son alone to do
    the same.  And my husband and I take them both out at times.  Spending
    time with them is very important to my children and it isn't always
    possible but we're trying to do the best we can.
    
    Karen
    

    RE: 1206.14
    
    Bonnie,
    
    I think you're right.   We're still getting weekly reports from her
    teacher and Krystal is still getting in trouble with other kids.  I'm
    praising her when she gets high points.  When she does get low points,
    I try to talk to her about it.
    
    Last night, when I asked both children to go upstairs to brush 
    their teeth, Krystal asked if she could have some candy
    I said, "No, you already had your snack and it's time to brush
    your teeth before bed."  She started pouting, stamped her feet, and
    said "No" in a baby-like voice.  I then said, "Go to bed."  She shouted
    out, "Leave Me Alone".  This really shocked and upset me.  She has
    never said anything like that to us before.  Without blowing up, I took
    her hand and led her to her bedroom and said, "Change into your pajama
    and go to bed and think of what you just did."  She later came up and
    told me what she did and apologized and we had a long talk.
    
    Karen  

    Latest update.  These weekly reports really helps us (the teacher and
    parents) to work with my daughter.  She is doing a lot better. 
    We have asked her what she would like as a reward, and as an incentive,
    for her effort.  She choose several things, but her great motivator, is
    buying hot lunch at school.  So she tries her hardest to get those high
    points.  She has slipped a few times but I told her, "everybody has a
    bad day here and there."
                     
    Karen