Conference moira::parenting_v3

Probably would be helpful if you would be more specific about your daughter's 
age.  I think you are talking about something different than "I want 
mommy/daddy" that's been discussed in here.  Am I correct in saying that your 
daughter is a post-puberty teenager or thereabouts?

Clay

    This won't shed much light, but this reminds me of a story my mother
    has told me about an incident/phase I went through.
    
    When I was in 4th grade, my best friend's mother died.  Apparently, I 
    mentioned to my mother how lucky my friend was to have her father all 
    to herself.  
    
    Leslie

    re.1
    
    I don't really care to make my daughter an issue out of this topic,
    (although I'll probably talk a bit about it),but rather just interested
    in what others have to share and vice versa.  And I am primarily
    speaking of young children, as in toddler to elementary age, but then 
    again others may have experiences that may include teens.
    
    re.2
    This reply is a great example.  My daughter is 9 years old and
    presently would just love to have daddy all to herself.  But, (I
    know this may sound silly) sometimes the anger she has expressed
    towards me just amazes me.  I am learning to understand that this
    is a natural phase for young children and that I should acknowledge
    her anger and also let her know that I do love her.  I think she
    tests me sometimes.  (my situation is not the type where Dad has
    been in the family always, but rather just recently.  And my daughter
    does express anger at me, in that she blames me for her dad
    disappearance.)  I'm just now understanding where she's coming from,
    and it has helped me in discovering a few things about myself,
    childhood and love.
                                           

re: .3

     My question wasn't so much aimed at making your daughter an issue as
understanding what the issue IS.  I think that when you're talking about a
toddler to elementary school age person, you are talking about an a somewhat
different issue than if you're talking about a teenager.  When a child
becomes a teenager, the dynamics change; instead of Mommy being a rival for
Daddy's attention and affection, Mommy may become a rival WOMAN for Daddy's
attention and affection.

     Given the situation that you've described, I'd suggest that you may want
to look through, or enter note in, the blended families conference (see note
7.7 of this conference).  In addition to replies you get here, you may get
some good replies there.

Clay

    Steven, 7, says he wants to marry me when he grows up.  One time he
    said that then he wouldn't have to share me with Daddy.  I don't
    imagine Daddy appreciates this very much. 
    
    This appears to be your basic Freudian "Oedipal" stage.  I'm
    trying to handle it by telling him he doesn't need to marry me,
    I'll always be his mother no matter how grown-up he gets.
    
    I think part of it is our society's often simplistic and narrow
    portrayal of human relations as being limited to sexual ones, and
    since kids this age tend to interpret things very literally he may
    be thinking that once he grows up the only way he can still be
    close to me is by marrying me.
    
    You don't very often see a man being close to his mother being
    portrayed as anything but a negative -- a mother who can't let go
    and a son who's a wimp.
    
    --bonnie

    I don't have any personal experience with this, but perhaps this will
    help;
    
    A friend of mine (Debra) has a step daughter, Sonya, who lives with
    them.  Debra has been the primary disciplinarian for Sonya.  Her
    husband will back her up, but never initiated any of the rules or
    enforced them _by himself_.  Things started deteriorating to the point
    that Debra lost all of Sonya's respect, and every little thing became a
    battle, and Sonya made it quite clear that Debra wasn't her mother and
    she didn't appreciate her telling her what to do and she was mean and
    that Sonya only wanted her father.
    
    After many battles, Debra finally talked to her husband and took
    herself out of the 'wicked stepmother' role.  Since Sonya was so
    attached to Dad, they decided it best if Dad was the one who did all
    the 'dirty work' so to speak, and now Sonya's realized that the
    problem is LIFE and not Debra, and the two of them have a decent
    relationship once again.
    
    Are you the one who's always nagging your daughter to clean up and do
    her homework and telling her what she can and can't do?  Does her dad
    participate much in this??  I'd say that by age 6 and up, it's a
    conscious choice on the part of the child to prefer one parent over the
    other, and usually for VERY rational reasons.  Try making Daddy be the
    "bad guy" for a while, and see if that doesn't help her even out a
    little.
    
    I used to prefer my dad (and still do!) to my mother, because he seemed
    much more level-headed and FAIR as opposed to Mom, who seemed like she
    was always screaming at me for something, and no matter what I did, I
    couldn't please her.  Dad spent so little time with us, that the time
    he DID spend, he devoted to us and made us feel really special.  In all
    the hours we spent with Mom, we never felt Really Special!  AND ....
    Mom would make Dad angry or hurt (regardless of whose fault it was,
    that's the way it was interpreted by all the kids), and it drew us
    closer to him to want to protect him and make him feel better -- watch
    out for those arguments in front of the kids!
    
    GOOD LUCK!!
    If you'd like to talk more off line, please send mail.
    
    Patty

    re.6
    
    I understand what you're saying, and maybe to some degree true in our
    case, but not entirely.  I think this is a very natural stage for
    children to go through.  But, I, myself, wanted to understand more
    about this stage.
    
    I've come to understand that playing the parents against each other can
    become a habit for kids if it works.  I've entered another note,
    somewhat relative to this, becoming an "united front".  My husband and
    I are very concerned for our kids, and therefore, know of the
    importance of an united front.  We just never knew how neccessary it
    was until recently.  So, we are learning also.  It's difficult when you
    aren't use to this, but it will and is worth it.
    
    I'm going to take my daughter out with just me and do the girlish scene
    on an afternoon.  We haven't done anything like that, and I think it's
    important for her to know that I love her too.
    
    Cindy