Conference moira::parenting_v3

1119.0. "Fostering a daughter's best friend?" by MOIRA::FAIMAN (light upon the figured leaf) Thu Aug 29 1991 09:29

    I'm entering this for a PARENTING noter who prefers to remain
    anonymous.  You may reply here, or may send me E-mail for forwarding to
    the author.

	-Neil Faiman, PARENTING co-moderator

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    My daughter (L.) and R., now ten years old, have been best friends
    since kindergarten.  L. is our only child; R. is the oldest of four
    children, who have always had lots of conflicts and problems.

    A year ago, L. and R. were (obviously) disappointed when R.'s family
    decided to move to another state.  We've managed a couple of trips to
    visit them since, and R. has come to stay with us during vacations a
    couple of times, and the friendship remains as intense as ever.

    Now R.'s parents are working towards a divorce.  For the sake of the
    children, such stability as they may be able to muster, or whatever,
    they have sent the second daughter off to live with her grandparents
    until Christmas; and they have extended feelers about what we would
    think about having R. come and stay with us.

    We don't know what we think.  I know that having R. as a member of our
    family would be completely different from having her as a visitor --
    and she's something of a handful at the best of times -- but we think
    we could deal with that.

    My biggest concern is the effect on the two girls' relationship, and on
    L.  As I said, they've always been close friends; but living together
    is very different from visiting each other after school, or even for a
    week.  L. has always been used to having a lot of time to herself, and
    a lot of personal time with her mother.  What would happen in a little
    while when L. wants quiet time to read, or to play with her mother, and
    R. expects L. to be playing with her.  What would the constant close
    involvement with R. do to L.'s friendships and relationships with other
    children.  (I guess it comes down to the question of whether they could
    manage what would amount to a necessary transition from a "best
    friends" relationship to a somewhat less intense "sisters"
    relationship.)

    I'm sure there are a lot of other issues -- we've though about many of
    them.  But we'd really appreciate the advice of the PARENTING
    community, and especially of anyone who might have gone through
    something like this themselves.

    I think there are several factors to consider here.  First of all, I
    would want a very clear time commitment.  Then I would think long and
    hard about the emotional turmoil that this young girl will be going
    through. It may be very difficult for her and she will need a lot of
    TLC.
    
    I haven't done this myself, but my parents have taken in kids a few
    times.  It has generally worked out well.  One time it allowed a child
    whose parents' were getting divorced to finish his senior year at his
    high school.
    
    My parents' situations worked best when they knew the child very well.
    
    In this situation, is there anyone else in your town who feels
    especially close to this girl?  That way, your daughter could get some
    private time with her Mom and the girl could get some special attention
    from someone else.
    
    If I was going to do this, I would sit down with both girls and
    explain to them that they are living together, and that is different
    than a vacation or a day together.  
    
    Good luck!
    
    judy

    I may be way off here, but I'm confused as to why R.'s parents want to
    separate and send the children off in different directions.  
    
    At a time when the children would probably need each other the most:
    to talk to, moral support, know it's not their fault, try to understand
    what is happening.  I don't think separating them would be in their
    best interest.  
    
    What will happen down the road?  Will one parent just regather all the
    children at Christmas?  What about school?  What about returning to a
    single parenting home?  What about R., seeing L. in such a happy
    2-parent home (I assume your home is happy)?
    
    Maybe you should contact someone at your Employee Assistance Program
    (EAP) and see if they can offer some advice on what might be in this
    childs best interest.
     
    
    

    	I agree with the suggestion to contact someone in the EAP 
    	program.  Considering all of the turmoil (moving, divorced 
    	parents, living with your familiy, etc), R may either deal 
    	with change well, or need some counseling to understand 
    	where she fits in all of this.