Conference moira::parenting_v3

We have the same situation (in a way) with my parents who seldom see my two
boys of 10 and 13.  We have several times done slide shows for them.  We go
on vacation or just putter around the huse or whatever and make lots of slides,
particularly of the children.  Then we sit down with a tape recorder and comment
on the pictures.  One of the children makes a noise or says next slide (rather
like the children's turn-the-page books) to tell Grandpa and Grandma when to 
go to the next slide.  

Although this has not been necessary for us (out of sight, out of mind :-) the 
Grandparents could do similar things in return.

Some people here send videos back and forth taken with a home video camera.  
This has been too difficult for us and I expect would also be for you because
of the different television standards.  I did know of one British/American
couple living in the California who did provide the British parents with a
full NTSC setup so they could exchange tapes.  

For us, the tapes and pictures were good enough and the kids knew it was for
Grandma and Grandpa.

ccb

    I am also going through this. I live upstairs from my mother and my
    stepfather. We have been living above them for 4 yrs. And my 1 yr old
    daughter is very close to her grandma. They are moving to Florida at
    the end of this month. I will miss them very much and I am extemely
    close with my mom. Since she divorced my dad 15 yrs ago we have been
    like sisters.(i'm the only girl in the family). I'm just afraid that
    my daughter will not know who she is by the next time we see her. My
    husband and I intend on going down to see them next April. She also
    babysat for me 2 times a week while I work and my husband 3 days a 
    week. I don't know, I know I will miss her more than Danielle but 
    I hope she isn't strange with her when we visit.
    
    How does one handle this situation when your parents are your best
    friends? All that keeps running through my mind is, what if something
    happens to one or both of them before we get to visit? I'm afraid that
    the day they leave will be the last time we see them....
    Am I foolish to feel this way?
    
    Thanks for listening
    
    Sandy

    Sandy,
    
    I don't think that that's a foolish feeling at all.  My son (4 yrs.)
    and I will  be moving to Colorado.  My parents take care of Nathan
    after daycare from 5-8:00 at night when I get home from work and
    we just moved in with them 2 weeks ago.  I am very close to my parents
    and Nathan is too.  I am afraid that he will forget them and that
    he won't fell that closeness again.
    
    We are going to take videos to send back and I'm sure Mom and Dad
    will come visit often but it is still scary.  It is a BIG change.
    
    I like the idea of the slide show.  I think we will do that, take
    a slide show of our trip across country. (it shoud be reeaall 
    interesting) and have Nathan narrate it.  Mom and Dad will love
    it.
    
    It's nice to know that others are feeling the same fears.  Good
    luck all!
    
    Pam

    My mom also lives away and has since before Joshua(he's 2) was born.
    Some of the things we do to foster a relationship even though Nana
    Penny is 500 miles away are phone calls, drawings, video tapes,
    cassette tapes, and a photo album of all the relatives that live
    away for Joshua.  We see each other about once a year, too.  We
    try to talk often about those relatives and use the photo album
    to tell Joshua stories about the people he only sees occasionally.
    He loves to tell you about his 3!!! "NANAs" (my mom, my mother-in-law,
    and my step-mom) and that Nana Penny lives in a house far away.
    Joshua loves to talk on the phone long distance and enjoys drawing,
    painting and coloring pictures for Nana Penny and all the other
    long ditance family (most of my extended family is in Colorado and
    we are in Albuquerque).  Many of the family send letters just for
    Joshua and he is excited to check the mail each day for letters
    for Joshua.  He loves to be read to and will listen to us read the
    letters to him, then he carries them around with him for days.
    It all seems to have worked and Josh seems to know the relatives
    even after not seeing them for a year at a time.
    
    Good luck, it is hard saying good-bye to the ones you love.
    
    Pam

    Ooooh! Can I relate to that!
    
    I am also from India (so is my husband). When my daughter Avanti was
    born (1989) we asked them to help us through the birth, post-birth for
    an extended time. We originally decided on 6 months since I did not
    want Avanti to start in a daycare environment until she was 6 months
    old. So they came a month before my due date to help since I had a long
    commute (MRO to Merrimack) and my husband had to do all the work at
    home. All went fine until Avanti's 6 month check up when the pedi
    diagnosed her as having hip-dysplasia. This meant her being in a body
    cast for 6 months. No Daycare could  handle this (she needed 2
    people to handle - one to constantly hold her since she could not sit,
    lie down on her own due to the cast) and the other to get the milk
    heated, get the lunch ready , etc.
    
    So we asked them to stay on for 6 more months to help out since I could
    not take off for 6 months from work. She became extremely attached to
    them during the span of a year. They decided to return to India in Sept
    1990 when Avanti was 15 months old. We were very anxious about how she
    would react without grandparents. 
    
    So we decided to start her in daycare 1.5 months (random number) before
    they left so that she would learn to deal with separation from them
    gradually. So we started daycare a few hours a day for about 3 days.
    She had a rough time getting used to daycare and the only way we could
    solve this was to start her fulltime and let her adjust. So she started
    fulltime in the 1st week of August 1990. She still got to be with
    grandpa and grandma the rest of the day. She learnt to say goodbye to
    them in the morning and she began to deal with the separation.
    
    So after they left she did feel their absence so we called home often
    (not very often ) to talk to them. We gave her a unused telephone set
    to "pretend" call her grandparents and talk to them . She still does
    that, even after a year of their returning to INdia.
    
    We visited India in DEc 1990 so she got to be with them for a month. SO
    we had to deal with the separation after the trip but to our surprise
    she did not have any trouble with it. 
    
    So if your children are not in daycare yet maybe you can start them off
    slowly while your parents are still here so that they can learn to deal
    with staying away from them.
    
    Again, the separation will hurt you more than it will hurt them. They
    will  find things to amuse them and keep them busy. They will ask for
    grandparents often and when you tell them that they are in India in
    their own home they will understand.
    
    Send me mail or call me at DTN 264-8571 if you want to chat.
    
    Shaila 

    ....continuing..
    
    I forgot to mention :
    
    We started telling Avanti that grandparents were going home about a
    month before they left so that she could take time to relate. Also, the
    sending to daycare early routine was as much for Avanti's adjustment as
    it was for us to get into a routine where we did not have 2 people
    helping us or doing things for us. 
    
    We videotaped a lot while my in-laws were here. We did not show her the
    tapes then since she was little (15 months) and did not udnerstand why
    her grandparents were in the TV and not here. So we did not show her
    any videos (we did show photos) until she was about 18 months and she
    could relate (a little) between TV and reality. At least I assume that
    - maybe she just learned to handle their absence.
    
    Sorry for the long winded entries.
    
    Shaila

    
    Wow, talk about timing.  This note is perfect as in 2 weeks I'll be
    moving from New England to Colorado with the two kids and leaving ALL
    family behind.  My two (2 1/2 and 4 1/2) are *VERY* attached to my 
    mom as she has been their daycare all along and we are a very close
    family to begin with.  Also, we've been living with her since mid-May 
    when my husband moved to Colorado to start his new job, so that makes 
    it even harder on them and my mom.  
    
    We have planned on keeping the in-law's video camera that we originally
    only borrowed (haven't broken that news to them yet) to make lots
    of tapes of the kids to send to the various sides of the family back
    in Mass.  Like another noter mentioned, I've also been updating the
    photo albums with more family pics to look thru and keep faces 
    associated with names.  And then there is the phone and mail.
    I'm hoping these will help alot.  Does anyone have any other ideas?
    
    To help my mom adjust, we bought her a ticket to fly out on the
    same flight as the kids and me (one row behind us) and stay for 3 weeks.  
    She has really made my kids almost her whole life since my dad died 
    2 years ago, so this is mostly for her to see where the kids will live, 
    play, pre-school, etc. and put her mind more at ease about our moving 
    2000 miles away.  I'm getting over the guilt trip she gave me about 
    'abandoning' her (boy, Irish mom's really know how to lay it on thick
    considering I am the oldest of 6 kids and 4 of others still live in the
    area.  Of course, I've got her only grandchildren with no others in
    the forseeable future). I do feel bad that she will have to find a
    job at the age of 54 because  she quit hers 4+ years ago to take
    care of my daughter.  The other family members and friends have 
    promised me to see that my mom gets on with her own life and doesn't 
    just mope about losing her grandchildren.  That really helps to 
    ease my mind (and the guilt trip) about 'ruining her life' (her 
    exact words when we first told her about moving to Colorado).
    
    Me, I just want to get on with my own life and be with my husband
    again and spend my days with my kids.
    
    
    Sorry, didn't mean to go on so long.  If anyone has any other ideas
    on keeping the family ties strong over long distances, please do tell.
    
    Donna
    16-days-to-CO-but-who's-counting :')
    

    - On your child's bedroom wall, hang a framed photo portrait of the
    grandparents
    
    - Have GRANDPARENTS make a video of them reading to a child, singing
    songs, telling stories.  Show the video to your child as a form of
    entertainment.
    
    Laura

    Not exactly the separation your children will experience, but I did
    want to relate an observation.  My parents care for my nephew Rocco
    while me sister and husband work.  When my parents went to Italy for 1
    month, Rocco and his little brother went to another relative for
    childcare.  Rocco NEVER mentioned my parents the whole time they were
    gone!  WHen they returned, he completely ignored them.  He was only 2.5
    at the time, but he made it VERY clear that he was displeased about the
    absence.  MY sister made a point NOT to mention my parents to him,
    figuring he's start to get upset.  I guess that was the wrong thing to
    do.  I would suggest talking about it NOW, and continue talking about
    it after they have left, to allow the children to voice their fears.
    That will give you the opportunity to make it understood that they
    haven't been abandoned.  Poor Rocco thought Mammy and Pappy just up and
    left him!  
    
    Sarah
    

    
    
    This is an update from the basenoter.
    
    Thanks for all the suggestions thus far. I tried to implement most of them.
    I also took a week's vacation and spent time with the kids.
    
    The separation happened on 3rd Oct.  The 15 month old was out-of-sorts 
    for about 3 days, but seems to have adjusted well (short memory??).
    The 3 yr old is
    another story.  She has never come out and said "I miss
    grandma/grandpa".  But has become very very difficult.  Normally, she
    is stubborn but gentle and friendly.  Lately she seems to be quite
    angry.  E.g., "I don't want to be your friend anymore (to me)", "I
    don't want ANYTHING", "I don't like you", "I don't .... I don't... ".  
    The anger alternates with bouts of clingyness and crying.  E.g, 
    " Dont' go to work".
    
    We had talked about the impending separation with her.  A colleague
    said that she was grieving (similar to grief at death) and that anger 
    was one of the stages of grieving.  Another said that she was afraid
    that I/her dad would leave her too.  I am working with her on these
    possibilities.  I am also waiting to hear from the pediatrician.  
    Anyone in our parent community have any suggestions for us? 
    I am eager to hear some.  Thanks
    
    						Pam

    I know that this isn't the same, but the feelings the child has may be
    a little similar.  My husband and I separated a few months ago, and my
    youngerone (3) went through the same type of thing.  We talked and
    talked about it, and now he seems to be dealing with it 'okay'.  Rather
    than letting his anger get to me, I would try to just hold him and
    reassure him that he was loved very much and that we would always be
    there for him.  This seemed to be what he REALLY wanted/needed, even
    though sometimes he fought the affection every step of the way. 
    Eventually, he would stop trying to pull away and push me away, and
    suddenly grab me and hug me tight.
    
    We TALKED a lot about it too.  "Are you mad at mommy?" (Is she mad at
    Grandma and Grandpa?  If she is, she is, and talking about it certainly
    isn't going to make it worse.  And understanding WHY may help you
    explain things to her on terms she can understand and help her get
    through it a little easier. 
    
    Good Luck!
    Patty

    To the basenote, and _not_ saying this as a put down, but have you
    considered you 3 year old's behavior as just "part of the age of
    independance".  I remember being driven crazy by the stage of
    independance at about age 3, but perhaps it is being intensified both
    by your child feeling like someone special isn't around any more to
    relate to, as well as you might be feeling a little bit of loss
    yourself.
    
    Probably not even close to any of the others, but just about every
    night on the way home comes a real definite request to "go visit
    gramma/grampa tonight".  Fortunate or unfortunate, whichever way you
    look at it, they live close to work, and we almost have to pass their
    street to get to the highway.  I just feel like such a "heel" when I
    have to refuse his request so many nights in a row.  What we have done,
    and this probably won't help your solution though, is we have set up
    one regular night per week where we all stop by gramma/grampa's house
    for dinner and several hours of funtime.
    
    Lyn

    
    
    Well, there is good news.  Things are almost back to normal. Rasika's
    tantrums have passed (we only have "expected ones" !!).  Thanks to all
    who gave suggestions.  Things that seemed to help the most:
    
    - Reassuring her that I will not go away - that I will go to work, but
      will be back for dinner, sleeping etc.
    
    - Reassuring her that grandma/pa did not leave because they were angry
      with her.  (Since my mother was her care-taker and Rasika can be very
      stubborn, thy had the normal "rule-setting" type confrontations.
      I can see how she thought that grandma was angry with her.)  We 
      recounted many happy events (with pictures and video tapes) 
      and it helped enormously.
    
    - Lots of hugging and holding.
    
    - Passage of time ... time is a wonderful healer.
    
    
    Glad to be putting in this happier reply ...
    
    Pam