Conference moira::parenting_v3

    I don't think it's meant as rude as it sounds, but I think it's
    a reflection of today's career orientation ...  they ask that
    instead of asking whether you planned to put your career on hold
    and whether this will have any impact on it.
    
    Why not just put the ball back in their court and ask "Why do you
    ask ?"

    My circumstances were a little different (I was unmarried), but I also got
    rude comments.  People used to say "what are you going to do??", and
    "are you going to get married?", my altime favorites were "Your soooo
    young, I think you crazy!!" and "are you going to keep it??".
    
    They really hurt, because I was excited about my baby and thought other
    people would be happy for me.  
    
    I finally brought myself to the understanding that I didn't have a
    problem being unmarried, and if they did it was THEIR problem not mine.
    
    But, I do know what you mean, people can really mean sometimes.  I
    really wonder, if people really hear what they are saying.
    
    
    	Robin {I know what you mean}

Well, in a way, you're being over-sensitive, because you're assuming
the answer matters.  People ask it because they're over-sensitive too. 
There was a time when the propoer response was unquestionably
"Congratulations!" and it was easy on everyone concerned.  Now, people
have become over sensitive and fear not being politically correct, so
they ask this silly question to test the waters -- should they express
happiness or sympathy?  

The important thing is that people usually aren't prying into your sex
life/family planning practices, they are trying to get a handle on what
their reaction should be to you.  My wife and I had it happen a lot. 
it's nothing compared to what's going to happen when you start to show.....


>>>==>PStJTT

    I have been asked if my pregnany was planned by no less then twenty
    people. I just shrugg it off.  I found that by becoming pregnant you
    become "public property".
    
    Some of the rude comments I received:
    
    1.  Was it planned?
    2.  I didn't know you were trying for more children (Like this is
    something you would announce to the world)
    3.  Are you going to return to work?
    4.  Are you going to work through your pregnancy
    5.  You have a girl already you obiviosly want a boy this time.
    6.  Have you gained much weight?
    7.  How do you feel? (Not really rude but annoying when asked 15 times
        an hour.)
    8.  Touching my stomach (A very rude jesture, I would not normally have
        a practical stranger touch my stomach normally why wait till I am
        pregnant.
    
    I really enjoying sharing my pregnancy with the world but only on my
    terms.  I get excited when I share my feelings on being pregnant, I
    even enjoy watching someone's face when they feel the baby kick but
    only when I ask them if they would like to feel the baby move.
    
    Angie
                                

I read this in Ann Landers once:

q:	Was it planned?

a:	Yes, God planned it!

:-)

    I don't think you're being overly-sensitive.  I think it is very
    rude to ask if it was planned.  And probably 98% of the people asked
    me that question when I told them I was pregnant (during both
    pregnancies). 
    
    I suppose I am overly sensitive when it comes to comments such as
    "you're so small" (I'm being compare to people who are further along
    than me, usually).  Anyway, I don't want people to tell me I look
    small, I'd rather they say I look big.  One neighbor said, "Oh, I 
    guess you're having a small baby, huh?"  My baby turned out to be 
    10 lbs 2 ozs!  During both pregnancies my uterus measured the exact
    size it was supposed to for a normal pregnancy so I tell people that
    I'm "just right".
    
    I don't mind questions on weight gain, probably because I'm underweight
    to begin with an enjoy seeing the scale climb since it's the only
    time I'm able to put on weight.
    
    I don't mind people touching my stomach, but usually only people
    I know fairly well do that.  However, someone I know quite well asked
    permission to touch it first and I thought that was very nice.  (Just
    think, to think it's nice for someone to ask permission to touch your
    stomach!  That does seem crazy.  Seems everyone should ask first).
    
    I am very sensitive about my belly button which shows with some
    outfits, and I think it is extremely rude that several people have
    pointed it out.  
    
    Donna
    

    My first reaction was "How Rude!".  Having a baby is the most wonderful
    thing in the world and everybody should just simply say Congratulations
    and be very happy for you.

    But after a moment (and reading the other replies) I realized that having
    a baby was the most wonderful thing in the world for ME, but not
    necessarily for everybody else.  Getting excited and congratulating
    a woman up and down might make her feel pretty bad if deep down inside
    she didn't want, or wasn't ready for this little intruder that was going 
    to take control of her life.

    So I guess I can see why some people might ask a couple tentative
    questions first (especially if you are single or have a thriving
    career) to find out how YOU feel about the pregnancy before reacting
    with congratulations or condolances.


    re .4

    How true!  But I will have to admit to being one of those people at times.
    I really loved the whole process of having a baby (well, maybe not the
    morning sickness) and I get sooooo excited when I see another woman who
    is going through that experience that I just have to hear all about how
    she is doing.  I try very hard to stay within the limits of privacy, but
    there have been times when I have caught myself asking questions that
    really were none of my business.

    There are many, many people who don't know what's appropriate to say
    under many circumstances (pregnancy, birth, death, etc).  Comments like
    the one you heard, I used to be sensitive over and just taught myself
    not to get upset over them.  What I normally say when someone tells me
    they're pregnant is "HOW WONDERFUL!".  If it isn't, they will usually
    say so.

    
    Yeah, I guess I can see their point as far as whether congratulations
    or condolences should be offered...but who in their right mind would
    offer condolences?  I'd rather play stupid and be happy for the
    person.  Birth is a miracle; not a catastrophe...no matter what the
    circumstances.  And if they have to ask if they should be happy or not,
    obviously they are not very close to you or they would already know
    (I would think).
    
    I guess I'm not really upset over it, just anoid...this is all
    new to me...makes me think twice before I comment on someone
    else....
    
    I have one person in my area (I do not know him very well) that
    seems it is perfectly acceptable to touch my belly....I guess
    I need to find a way to inform him, only my HUSBAND touches my
    belly...!  
    
    But you are right, if you're, pregnant you're announcing that you
    have sex and are now public property, and they are 
    the spectators waiting to comment on the various stages and SIZES 
    you will go through....it's kind of funny...I've never thought of it
    this way....
    
    The other funny thing, is in a conversation you spend 3 minutes
    talking about yourself and the rest is listening to their
    pregnancy/labor/delivery....
            
    Kristen
    
    
    
    

    	I've also found that some people tend to make very rude comments. I
    think that it has to do with who is asking the question, friends want
    to know about you, strangers want to satisfy curiosity and to pass
    judgment. I've been asked the following questions which in context
    come across as being very rude:

    	Was it planned? 
    	Do you want a boy or girl?
        Do you plan on breast feeding?
    	Are you going to pump at work?
    	Have your breasts started to leak?
    	Are you going to use home care or day care?
    	If it is a boy are you going to circumcise him?
    	How soon are you going to come back to work?

    	Again, it's mostly the context in which some of these questions are
    asked, as an example, I've been asked the circumcision question not
    because the people are truly interested but they want an opportunity
    to tell you what *they* think you should do. Very often people use
    these types of questions to let you know that they do not approve of
    your decision.

    	Best thing to do is to *try* to let it roll off your back and just
    be as polite as you can and walk away.

    	Sometimes easier said than done.

    			Wendy
    	

>    But you are right, if you're, pregnant you're announcing that you
>    have sex and are now public property, and they are 
>    the spectators waiting to comment on the various stages and SIZES 
>    you will go through....it's kind of funny...I've never thought of it
>    this way....

Kristen,

    WOW - I realy hope you don't think this is what I meant in .7!  I was just
    explaining that, as somebody who thoroughly enjoyed the experience pregnancy
    and childbirth, I like to re-live that experience by hearing about another
    woman's pregnancy.   That doesn't excuse prying into somebodies private
    decissions though.
 
-Carol 

    I agree that many of the questions/comments in here are rude, but gee
    whiz, if all of them are considered rude, what's left to talk about?!
    
    When you're in early pregnancy and announce it to someone, then I think
    you shouldn't be surprised or offended if the announcee asks a couple
    of questions--such as .4's "Are you going to return to work/work
    through your pregnancy" or "have you gained much weight?".  What else
    are they supposed to say?  It wouldn't be PC to inquire "Is <husband>
    excited?"--that would imply that he might NOT be.  I suppose they could
    ask if <existing child(ren)> have been told, and if so, what their
    reaction is.  But it seems that a lot of people in here aren't cutting
    their friends/coworkers much slack... I get the impression that the
    only acceptable reaction would be "Oh."
    
    Leslie

    
    
    Oh boy, can I relate to this.  I'm at 30 weeks now and my belly is
    finally really popping out and I've been getting all sorts of
    questions.  Some seem innocent enough, some make me want to run
    away and cry!  I think it may be those nasty hormones that I've heard
    so much about but haven't really experience in all their glory until
    very recently.  I've been asked the following questions/comments:
    
    -  Have you been to a doctor, you seem *awfully* small for being so
       far along.  (to which I replied, "My doctor tells me I'm right
       where I should be.")
    -  You're sooo tiny!
    -  Are you still pregnant?  (I am still pregnant, but I couldn't
       help but wonder to myself how someone could ask this....what if
       I had lost the baby?)
    -  I wasn't sure that was you when I was walking behind you, 'cuz
       you've never been heavy before.  (What do I say to something
       like this when someone just asked me the day before if I am
       still pregnant cuz I am small?!)
    
    
    People sure can be rude.......maybe without meaning to be but things
    said off-the-cuff sure can ruin my day!
    
    Of course, there was the co-worker who came up to me one day, patted
    my belly, and very good-naturedly said "Ya know, Jenny Craig is having
    a special right now.....maybe you should consider that?!".  I found
    that to be very funny cuz I knew that he knows I'm pregnant and it was
    obvious he was just teasing.  :^)
    
    Cherie

    Carol,
    
    Oh No...I'm not pointing at you...I gathered that from all the comments
    made and then tried to rationalize why people are so interested in such
    private affairs...Hope I didn't offend you 8*)
    
    I guess there really aren't that many questions to ask someone who has
    just announced they're pregnant that are not personal.  But then, why
    do they have to ask any?  Why can't they just be happy for you.
    
    I guess this is the 90's and people are more public with their private
    affairs... I tend to leave my personal life separate from work and
    maybe that's why it bothered me more than some.
    
    But I will shrug most of them off...
    
    I like the comment: 
    
    Do you plan to breast feed? or pump at work? 
    
    People are incredible!
    
    Kristen
    
    
    

    
    Don't get me started....  But I have practically taken into
    hiding the past few weeks.   Because I am a small person
    and have not gained any body weight ( I am all baby) people
    have asked me - or commented the following:
    
    People have thought I was going to deliver since I was about
    26 weeks....
    
    When are you due?  
    
    Are you sure that there is only one in there?
    
    Having twins? ( I usually respond - no triplets)
    
    You are so BIG, when are you due?
    (this is usually made by women who are not pregnant
     but must weigh at least 300 pounds, I bite my tongue)
    
    I went to a concert - the usher took one look at me
    and said - "Please don't have it in my section".
    
    At Pheasant Lane Mall at guy about 25 years old with 2 women 
    approached me on the stairs and I thought he needed
    directions or information.... no instead he put
    his hand up over his mouth and laughed at me then
    said "Excuse me Miss, but I believe you're pregnant"
    then laughed again.   That really hurt my feelings -
    just can't find any humor when it takes everything out
    of a person to just walk and people have to come up
    and comment about the way you look.  My husband turned around
    and said - Excuse me, but I believe you're an A-hole....
    The guy said touchy, touchy I was just trying to be
    funny -    My poor husband is such an easy going person -
    shocked me by his response...
    

    This one wasn't so bad - Was that you or really Demi on
    the cover of Vanity Fair?

    The rest of the questions about breast feeding and taking time
    off don't bother me - some people tell me they ask because
    they want to get pregnant so that part is nice.  They want
    to learn what it is all about.  
    
    Jeanne - who has 5 weeks to go.
    
    
    

    

    The worst comments I've heard:
       when my husband called his Mother to announce the birth of our
       daughter the first thing she said was Oh well maybe next time you
       will have a boy.  I have found out with number 2 due in 10 weeks 
       that it is a boy.  When I told my Mother she did not have any 
       comment, I said to her you did not seem too excited when I told you
       the babies sex and she replied, it's like you already had it!  My
       Mother-in-law was real excited when she heard it was a boy.
    
    One other comment I dislike is, you must be glad it's a boy since you
    already have a girl!
    

    RE .10
    
    Yes, I remember peolpe asking me questions just so they could get their
    opinions in.  Especially breastfeeding and circumsion.  Sometimes I
    found people asking me questions because they had had a child and
    thought they could provide advice and others would TELL me what to do. 
    I only had one experience with someone touching me and I was surprised
    as I had never seen the person before and she just came up to me in the
    store and said "When are you due honey?" and patted my stomach.  Blew
    me away.
    
    However, it did not stop there.  AFTER the baby is born people
    continue.  "How can you put your child in daycare with everything going
    on these days"?  "Anyone can breastfeed if they really want to?", "I
    was up and around in two days, you should be fine by now".
    
    So I guesss it is just part of the parenting fraternity and the
    "experienced" feel a need to "provide" advice.
    
    I learned to smile and nod while they were talking.
    
    Michelle
    

    I think there is a BIG difference from people are sincere in the
    questions they ask, verses those who are just nosey.  It is easy to
    tell the difference.  When I was pregant, I didn't mind talk with
    someone who was sincere, but theose who were nosey didn't any answers
    out of me.
    
    I think the question that really blew my mind was:
    
    "Are you going to breast feed until IT gets teeth?"  That was from a
    male co-worker.  That and "My word, you are F***ING HUGH!"
    
    Go figure.
    
    Kathy
    
    

re .0

I think you're overreacting somewhat. 

Two of my au paires got pregnant while working for me and one arrived pregnant.
One of the young women (they were both 25 so old enough to understand the
consequences) was from a fairly poor farm family in a small community and the 
father was Ethiopian and refused to accept the baby as his.  Since Switzerland
has draconian social laws, having a child meant she had to leave the country
which means that she lost her job.

Needless to say, having a baby completely changed her life (perhaps for the 
better, who knows) but at the time Gertie found out, I think she would have been
quite upset if I had said, "That's WONDERFUL".  The other two cases weren't
quite so desparate but it is certainly not obvious that that is what one should
say.

I think I agree with .3(?) that many of the questions are to feel the waters, 
decide what the appropriate response is.  And I guess I always ask "When is it 
due?"  I personally can't find anything offensive in that question and didn't 
when it was asked of me.  It seems kinder than saying, "Boy are you big, you 
must be about ready!"

The nicest (opposite side of this topic :-) thing anyone said to me was when
I was in my 5th month with my second child and was all dressed up for a job
interview.  It is horrible to sit through a presentation board (13 all male)
with this baby kicking away inside you.  To console myself afterwards I went
looking around in the shops.  An elderly gentleman came up to me and said (in
French, of course), "Quelle une joli petite maman!"  (What a pretty little
mother). Some of you might take offense at his forwardness or his use of 
"petite" but I took it in the spirit that it was intended and I felt
beautiful.

And in the end, we (and Gertie) were able to say, "Isn't that wonderful!"  She
had a beautiful baby boy called Danny.

Cheryl

    I know how you all feel.   I am 22 weeks along in my first pregnancy.
    
    The usually questions I am asked are:-
    
    	Was it planned.
    	How are you feeling (About 20 times a day)
    	What would you do if you miscarried (These people go fast with
    					     tails between their legs)
    	Is hubby happy(As previous reply stated this is very annoying
    		       anyone would think the poor man did not want
    		       the baby)
    	
    
    
    Maybe people don't think before they ask these silly questions,
    but they should as they maybe hurting the other person without
    realising it.
    
    
    
    Bernie	
    
    
    
    
    

    Are American women that touchy or is it the British puritan heritage
    showing up ?
    
    I agree with .12 : I expected more that "Oh! Wonderful" when I
    announced my pregnancy around, and questions like "When is it due ?" or
    "Would you prefer a boy or a girl ?" or even "Did you plan it ?" don't 
    hurt me at all, even if I sometimes think they are silly (rather than rude).
    By the way, we (my boyfriend and I) did not plan it although we are very 
    happy now.
    
    How would some of you have reacted if you had been told, as I have :
    "Is Thierry (my boyfriend) the father ?" This came from a colleague
    of mine who had not seen me for a while (he came back to Valbonne after a 6
    month stay in England). He was very serious but I did not take any
    offense because it came from someone who does not mean much to me, and
    also, I had the feeling he was only trying to make sure he could remember 
    who my boyfriend was after all this time.
    
    The only funny thing I have found out, but again I don't really care,
    is that most of the people find me thin for a 4 month 1/2 pregnant
    woman, and some other people (usually fat women) keep telling me since the
    beginning, even when it wasn't showing at all : "your belly is almost
    as big as mine now" or "It won't be long until you can't see your feet
    anymore" or even after a week-end "Oh! It is growing fast !"...
    
    What I do hate however is this male colleague phoning me up in the morning 
    and inquiring about my health. He even touched my belly last time ... I 
    guess he is reporting his desire for a child on me, since he and his
    wife have been trying to get one for at least a year. How could I blame
    him ?
    
    In conclusion, I'd say people are not rude, some of them are tactless
    but the majority is nice. Many people come to talk to me, whom I had
    never talked to before. We talk about pregnancy, baby, and I like it.
    
    Brigitte
    

Toward the end I always got the comment:

You're **STILL** here??!!??

My response "Was it planned?" was usually "You don't plan miracles!"

W-

    Hmmm...  From the other side of the fence...  Having noticed that
    *most* pregnant women I encountered just LOVE to talk about the
    baby, the pregnancy, what's happening with their bodies, what they're
    doing with the baby's room, what they plan to do when the baby arrives,
    etc, etc, etc -- sometimes to the exclustion of all other topics of
    conversation...
    
    A pregnant co-worker was the center of attention of a small group of
    people, all women, conversation turned to her pregnancy.  Her plans.
    What she was going to name the baby.  Her date for leaving for STD.
    How she felt.  Her feet were swelling.  She was going to use cloth
    diapers.  She was going to be gone N months and then come back part
    time.  She had day-care lined up.   She was going for completely
    natural childbirth.  She didn't want an appesiotomy, but her OB was
    insisting.  Questions from the women around her, glowing answers.  
    
    I asked if she was intending to breast-feed.  Completely FRIGID stare.
    "You know, when you're pregnant, I SWEAR ABSOLUTELY GOD AND EVERYBODY
    THINKS THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK THE MOST PERSONAL QUESTIONS.  WHAT
    GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO ASK THAT?  HOW VERY RUDE."  Geez, and I thought
    I was participating in a conversation of particular interest to her.
    
    But you know what?  I was a close enough friend that she invited me to
    her baby shower.   Can you spell T-A-C-K-Y?  I knew you could.
    
    Beth

    
    Hmm, I got asked only once if my second child was planned by
    a not-so-close friend, over the phone. I was appalled, but I
    managed to get hold of myself and simply said yes. I was never
    asked that question by anybody at work. I consider that a very
    rude question (unless it's asked by my mom...). 
    Most of the questions asked don't bother me much. There is one
    that annoyed me a lot is "So, since you already have a girl,
    do you wish for a boy? And if the second one is a girl also,
    are you going for a 3rd one - to try for a boy?" My answers
    were - "What makes you think I want a boy?" to a male person;
    and "I only want 2 kids, PERIOD" to a female person.
    
    Eva 

    
    
    I have to laugh, I was talking about this to my husband just this
    morning.  I find people don't really mean to be rude but some times
    questions and comments can get on our nerves.
    
    Some of the things that really annoy me...
    
       "You are not very big, when are you due?  How much weight haveyou 
    gained?"  All while they are staring at your stomach.
    
    "do you know what it is?"  People don't seem to understand when you are
    trying not to tell them.  To me if I want you to know, I'll tell you!
    
    The most disgusting and rude comment was from a male co-worker when he
    said to me "When are you due...  I better start wearing my hip boots in
    case your water breaks".  Now to me that is definitely uncalled for.
    
    I have 1.5 weeks left of work!  I am due in 4 weeks!!  I will be glad
    when the prego comments stop.  I know people are trying to carry on
    conversation but.... sometimes things are better off not said.
    
    Good luck to all the other pregnant noters (and others).  I hope
    everyone has a happy and healthy baby!!!  No matter how much weight you
      
    

    
    When I told a very close friend of mine I was pregnant, her reaction
    was "Oh NO!  Oh my God, what are you going to do?"  She didn't even
    think to ask if I was pleased.  OK, so the
    pregnancy wasn't planned but I felt this was so tactless of her I
    really had to battle to keep calm.  Later, upon reflection, I realised
    the whole thing of babies and pregnancy absolutely scared her to death
    and she herself couldn't have imagined anything more terrible happening
    to *her*.  She is a rather thoughtless person and always speaks before
    putting her brain in gear but she is also very sweet and didn't really
    mean any harm, so I forgave her.  All through my pregnancy she had a
    real problem with discussing anything about it - the birth, hospital,
    and would cringe whenever I announced the baby was kicking.  She
    wouldn't touch my tummy to feel her kick even when I asked her to. She
    was that scared!
    
    Poor girl.  It was she who had the problem, not me!  Anyway, now Rosie
    is here and 9 months old my friend has become absolutely fascinated
    with the baby and really goes out of her way to make an effort to talk
    and play with Rosie and I really love to see the joy on her face. 
    Something she was really frightened of (for whatever reason) has turned
    out to be something she finds wonderful and I'm really glad I came to
    terms with her "rudeness", stayed friends with her and hopefully changed 
    her view of things for the better.  Who knows, maybe given enough time,
    she'll lose her insecurity and become a mother herself. 
    
    
    Ali
    

It is interesting following these replies.  Sometimes people I think feel
they have a need to discuss or make comment about a woman's pregnancy
when they see / meet them, and simply don't know what to say ... or how
to say it!

Some of the things in here I wouldn't be caught dead just out and asking,
on the other hand some I would, depending on the situation.  But there
is absolutely no way I'd ask a stranger, or relative stranger, any of
these things without some sort of prior "introduction" and responses that
indicate a willingness to talk about baby etc.  There is absolutely
no way that I would touch ... colleague, stranger or whatever.

Yes, some people are rude, some are just inconsiderate, and some are
curious and just don't know how to ask the questions the right way. On
the flip side, some pregnant women seem to want to share their pregnancy
with the world, and some are totally inhibited about it, sensitive to
every comment.

So, yes people do need to realise that they can overstep the bounds of
privacy with some questions, and at the same time, pregnant parents (yeah
dads to be get some dumb questions too ya know!) have to be a little
tolerant of people's curiosity.

Stuart

    
    I was never offended by most of the comments mentioned here, since the
    people were taking an interest in the pregnancy. However, I do think
    that the comment "Was it planned?" is rude. If the person is telling
    you they are pregnant, and they appear happy about it, it doesn't
    matter if it was planned or not. They are happy, and that is all that
    matters. My baby was planned, however, if he hadn't been, I still 
    would have been happy to have him. Babies are miracles and sometimes
    you can't plan them, but they happen. I really like the response
    someone wrote about Ann Landers "God planned him". That's nice.
    
    I found that not many people touched my belly, which surprised me
    since I had heard all the stories of how everyone touches it.
    
    Well, Congratulations on you baby, and just enjoy all the attention.
    Try to come up with a snappy answer for each situation and then you'll
    be prepared! My husband enjoy the one "What are you hoping for?". His
    response, "A baby!!"
    
    Good luck,
    
    Sheila
    

    Well, at least I know it seems to be common...
    
    My favorite from a neighbor who I usually said just hello to.
    (she is also pregnant) "Did it take you long to conceive?"
    My jaw opened! I think I said , No just in the month we
    tried and she answered, "Oh, It took me just one day!"
    
    Later my husband (who was there too) laughed because she
    almost treated it like a competition!.
    
    The other which is the most is - Do you know what it is?
    Are you going to find out, etc.. etc...
    
    
    The worst (I think ) came today -  a co-worker (male) as
    he is passing me in the hall - Oh soon you'll be rolling
    to St Louis... BEATS me what that meant plus I am only
    4 1/2 months but today is the 1st day I wore a maternity
    dress...
    
    Oh well.....

    
    Another reply I have not noticed mentioned here is the one I get 
    sometimes, reffering to this weather....(the heat)
    
    "Boy...this weather must be tough on you...why didn't you plan it
     better???"
    
    This one gets to me a bit...cause we did TRY to plan it, but its not
    my fault that it took us to concieve....  I just reply "Hey, we tried"
    for lack of anything better to say...  
    
    I imagine they don't really mean anything by it, or are not knowlegable 
    on the average time it takes to concieve, or not aware that we did
    try...  it just digs me a bit...
    
    Beleive me...I was hoping to be home right now with a little 6 week old
    in my arms...  but instead I will be home through the holidays (which
    has some advantages too!)
    
    Chris
    

    >Birth is a miracle; not a catastrophe...no matter what the
    >circumstances.  
    
    This may be true from a cosmic perspective -- I wouldn't presume
    to speak for God -- but it's simply not true for all pregnant
    women.  
    
    I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant.  The father who had just
    been assuring me how much he loved me was on the next plane back
    to his mother.  He refused to acknowledge the baby and tried to
    force me to have an abortion.  (Emotional and monetary force, not
    physical.)  I had to drop out of college; it was a depression
    called a recession and there were no jobs.  I had nothing to live
    on.  Thank God my family stood by me.  If they hadn't, I don't
    know what I would have done.
    
    The child Kat grew up to be is a miracle, no doubt, but the
    pregnancy and the birth were torture, both physical and emotional,
    and 18 years later I still haven't recovered completely.  I don't
    think all the scars will ever go away. 
    
    A neighbor nearly died from medical complications at the end of
    her first pregnancy.  The doctors said she probably won't survive
    another pregnancy, so her husband had a vasectomy.  Guess what, it
    didn't take.  She was pregnant.  She's Catholic.  She decided it
    was less wrong to do what she considered murder than to kill
    herself and leave her other child motherless and her own mother
    (who's an invalid) untended.  I don't think she thought that was a
    miracle.
    
    --bonnie

    YES, I too was asked, "WAS IT PLANNED"? I thought it was such an odd
    question! In today's world, birth control is available to almost
    everyone...and nearly all practice some type of birth control. Unless
    it was one of those RARE accidents...people should assume it was
    planned before assuming it was an accident! C'mon you guys!
    
    I guess it's just one of those "automatic" stupid things we all say at
    times!
     
    Oh, and second hottest question was, "How long did it take you to get
    pregnant? I wanted to bring my Basil charts to work and tell them to
    figure it out! 

    
    
    re: .20
    
    Ian - unless you have experienced being pregnant yourself
    all the hormone and emotional/physical changes that a 
    woman's body goes through - I don't think you can tell the 
    basenoter or any of us that we are overreacting.
    
    ---------------
    
    Regarding the question, was this baby planned?    When you get
    right down to it - was anyone?  On the other hand there is
    the saying "that everything in life is planned, whether you
    realize it or not", in otherwords it was mean't to be.
    
        
    Jeanne
    
    (who is probably going to get in trouble for speaking her mind)
    
    
    
    

    
    re: .35 re: .20
    
    Sounds as if you are supporting what Ian is saying!  For whatever
    reason (hormonal, stress, and physical changes of pregnancy being
    darn good ones!), perhaps some of the readers ARE overreacting to
    what for the most part are well-intentioned but poorly-delivered
    comments.  At least that's my opinion and, yes, I have experienced
    being pregnant myself.
    
    Carol

Warning...I'm going to vent.

I thought about entering a note similar to this when I was pregnant.  'Tis
true, I was probably a bit more sensative when I was pregnant, but I think
ANYONE would be sick and tired of the comments I had to endure.  I am tall
and normally very thin. When I was pregnant, I carried all in front and was
rather large but I don't think that's any excuse for a co-worker yelling at
the top of her lungs down the hall at me :
	"Oh my God!  Are you ever BIG!"
That, to me, is rude.  NO ONE wants to be told this!

I had a couple of people ask me if it was planned. I wasn't offended, but I
also don't think it's proper to ask someone that.

I've had male co-workers tell me how funny I walked. A female co-worker comment-
ed on how pokey I was.  Were these supposed to make me feel good????

A store clerk asked me "So, when are you going to pop?"  That was the rudest
comment of all.  I wish I had a snappy comeback but I was so shocked I meekly
gave her my due date.

I felt uncomfortable by people asking me if I was going to bottle or breast
feed. But I don't think it was rude, just none of their business.

A male co-worker asked me if I go to the bathroom alot. Can you believe it?

One co-worker would ask me EVERY TIME I SAW her "How are you feeling?"  (This
was about 4-5 times a day.)  Did she really care?  Why didn't she care when I
WASN'T pregnant?  Or before I was showing much?

Two of the secretaries constantly asked me when I was due.  If they really
cared, why didn't they remember what I told them?  This wasn't rude, just
annoying.

Just about every day (for 3 mos) SOMEONE mentioned how big I was.  I didn't
particularly care to be huge.  It wasn't comfortable.  I missed being slender.
So I really felt hurt each time I heard it. I REALLY hated when someone would
ask my due date and gasp in shock because they thought I looked like I was due
any minute.  This happened several times too.  By the time I'd get home from 
work I would be so depressed. My husband would tell me not to let it bother me. 
I  didn't WANT to let it bother me. But it did, and I couldn't help it.  I 
couldn't WAIT to go on STD ... JUST SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ENDURE THOSE
COMMENTS anymore. One thing I will NEVER do is to tell a pregnant woman (or 
anyone) how big they look. 

BTW, I just told a friend who is 8 mos. pregnant "You hardly look like you're
pregnant".  I thought it was a compliment, she obviously was pregnant but didn't
look huge like me, but based on some of these other replies I guess I shouldn't 
have said it.

My baby was born 2 days before his due date, but I felt like I was overdue 
because everytime I went in to work to pick up my paycheck someone would say
"Haven't you had that baby yet????" (because I was big).

Then, when people found out I had a boy (my second) they assumed I was dis-
appointed because I didn't have one of each. Some people almost sounded 
sympathetic.  I did NOT hope for a girl and I found this attitude offensive.
(Instead of being happy for me...after all, I had a beautiful, healthy baby
some seemed disappointed and wrongly assumed I must be too.)

Four days after delivering I saw a co-worker (who is rather heavy) and she 
said "Are you wearing your regular clothes yet?"  Gimme a break!  I was 
obviously wearing maternity clothes at the time, too.

My revenge was to get back down to 122 lbs. in 2 months (without really trying.)

I love babies but I don't think I could ever go through another pregnancy.
This last one seemed to last forever.

� �ori �

    Of course it's rude.  The question is, is it ill-intentioned and
    is it any worse than usual. 
    
    I'm always running into rude people.  Yesterday it was the elderly
    and well-practiced five-letter woman at the grocery store who told
    the clerk, "If you didn't eat so much chocolate, you wouldn't have
    such an acne problem."  There are people who comment on my kids
    and people who comment on my weight and people who comment on the
    way I dress.  And since Digital started having problems, I get a
    lot of very rude personal questions about what we're planning to
    do if either of us get laid off.  One woman even asked my checking
    account balance!  
    
    I don't think it was any more frequent when I was pregnant.  I
    just remembered it more and noticed it more, because as .37 says,
    I was sensitive about being so huge and it hurt in a personal way
    that I couldn't ignore the way I usually do.  
    
    So I think in that sense it is being too sensitive, because it's
    nothing new, it's just on a different subject that for many of us
    is more personal.
    
    --bonnie

    My most rude comment:
    
    One of my co-workers saw me walking (okay, so it was a bit of a waddle)
    down the hall and said:  Wow, I never dreamed YOU would waddle.
    
    Like it was something I could control cause I'm "special" or something?
    I waddled big time.  I hated it, but that was the only way I could walk
    at the time.
    
    judy

<    Regarding the question, was this baby planned?    When you get
<    right down to it - was anyone?  

Evan was.  He couldn't have been conceived by accident.  :-)    
        
<    Jeanne
<    (who is probably going to get in trouble for speaking her mind)
    
Nahhhh.  ;-)

     Carol 

<    My favorite from a neighbor who I usually said just hello to.
<    (she is also pregnant) "Did it take you long to conceive?"

Heh heh.  If I were you, I can think of an answer that might stop future
questions from her.

"Did it take you long to conceive?"

"No...about 15 minutes or so."

      [adjust according to your appropriate amount of time]

    Carol the Wicked

    My wife has found these comments interesting, and theorizes that the
    rudeness of comments increases with the number fo pregnancies one
    esperiences. When pregnant with #4, one woman in the grocery store
    asked her about the baby, when is it due, do you know what it is, etc.
    She then asked, "Is it your first?", with a big smile on her face.
    Wendy replied (also smilingly), "No, our fourth", and that smile on the
    woman's face vanished in a flash and was replaced by a scowl. "You do
    know what causes that, don't you?", was her comment, and Wendy was too
    shocked to answer, which was okay cause the woman turned her back on
    her at that point! This, to us, was the ultimate in rudeness. It ain't
    nobody's business but ours if we choose to have *20* kids (we don't
    plan on it :-)  )!
    
    The next best was a friend of ours, who when pegnant with child number
    6 was seen strolling through the farmer's market with all her children.
    The first comment she received was, "Are they all yours?!?!?", to which
    she replied, "No, I enjoy *so much* shopping with 5 children while
    pregant that I borrow all the neighbors children." The best came a few
    minutes later, when an older woman fumed up to her and said,
    imperiously, "I *hope* you're not planning on having any *MORE*!!!", to
    which she replied, very sweetly, "why we haven't planned on any of
    them!".
    
    -dave--

    Okay, I'm going to try to ask this without offending anyone.
    
    When I see a pregnant woman I'm full of mixed emotions - I think
    it's wonderful that they are creating a life, and I'm also a little
    jealous that it's not me.  But I'm usually afraid to say anything
    for fear that it's not right - it's like walking on eggshells
    sometimes - and usually end up saying nothing.
    
    I'm not sure all of those offensive folks intended to be rude, but
    it's sometimes hard to know what is the right thing to say.  Would
    some of the pregnant women here mind telling us what you *would* like
    to hear?  
    
     Conni

I have really mixed emotions about this topic.  I'm guilty of many of the
comments mentioned, and have been the recipient of many.  For some reason
they didn't offend me, but some got old or seemed insincere.

I think that if you do not know someone well, the comments should be reserved,
and you should assume the best.  It's okay to be curious, but not to be nosey.
I told a pregnant woman today "I sure don't envy you.  I love both of mine
dearly but I don't miss being pregnant."  I know her well and hope that she
wasn't offended.  I have often used "Haven't you two figured out what causes
that yet?" to close friends, and have not sensed any offense.

The thing that surprised me was how many people assumed I was pregnant without
having seen me before.  To more than one waitress in a restaurant, when she
asked a question about the baby/pregnancy/conception/etc. I gave one of those
"What are you talking about?  I'm not pregnant." looks/replies - talk about
embarassment!!!!

Kristen

P.S.  I absolutely HATED anyone - even people I knew well - rubbing my belly!
To me that was just too personal.

The au paire that I wrote about in a previous reply (Gertie) looked after the
neighbor's two year old when the neighbor was off having her own second child.  
Gertie was in her 7th month at this time and had my two boys, a 1 year old and
a 3 year old.  One day she took all three children on an outing to Nyon by
train, 1, 2, 3 years old and one in the tummy.  They all looked as if they
could have been hers and she was small in addition (only about 4' 10).  She
had more courtesy and help than she knew what to do with.  People helping
her on and off the train, carrying things for her, commenting on "her"
beautiful children, and asking all the questions you say here like "You must
be due very soon, you're so big" (her pregnancy showed a lot because she was
so tiny), or "Aren't you afraid having a fourth one so close, it must be a
lot of work!"  We all found this VERY amusing and Gertie would say, "Oh it's 
no problem at all" :-)

ccb

    At 9 mos plus 8 days a skinny teenage cashier remarked "Oh - you are
    HUGE - can you still drive a car (fit behind the wheel)!"  I felt
    great.
    
    I also saw a whole new side to male co-workers who all of a sudden felt
    they could discuss (in painstaking detail) things like their wives'
    pregnancy and delivery (cervical dilation, episiotomy size and location 
    and effects, cervical lip swelling, sex of the baby and how it reveals 
    itself on ultra-sound, date of last period, etc.) with me.  Maybe I was a 
    prude, but I was a little surprised and embarassed.
      

    
    Personally, I think that it's great that fathers are taking such an 
    active role in childbirth and childraising.   So, I find it refreshing
    when they are ready and willing to discuss all aspects of birthing
    and childraising.   It's a natural process, no need to feel embarassed!
    
    Carol

I've been thinking about this over lunch and wondering about different values
in European and American cultures.  Please take the following comments gently
(in the spirit intended).  I really don't mean to offend anyone.

I have noticed (as an American who has lived most of my adult life abroad) that
Americans are much more open and willing to discuss intimate details of their
life with absolutely complete strangers than Europeans are.  If I sit next to
an American on an airplane, I have most of his life story and parts of his
family's in about 15 minutes.  This isn't a criticism of Americans.  In fact
most Europeans find this openess and freindliness charming when they visit
the U.S. and are amazed to be invited to dinner or whatever by complete
strangers after talking to them half an hour in a bar.

We Europeans (and I am more at home here now than over there) wouldn't usually
volunteer such information so I think we hear fewer of these kinds of comments.
I may have heard a bit but I can't remember ever feeling offended.  Maybe I
was, I just can't remember anybody saying much at all except asking when the
baby was due (a question I find absolutely harmless IMO).  But then, I can't
imagine Europeans EVER touching a pregnant woman's belly or whatever.  The
most delicate question you would ask (and hesitate before because of the 
invasion of privacy thing) is whether the woman intends to work.  This is a 
real biggie in a society where women are expected to stay home and look after
little ones.  We all discuss in great detail the question of child care ("are
you going to get an au paire" "etc. etc.) but that is because we look for 
solutions (at least among my friends).

I guess the dichotomy I find here is that Americans are so open on one hand
("I'm on my way to my daughter's, she's just gone through a terrible divorce,
and that with xxx children, .....overheard on an airplane) and then seem to
expect people to behave differently about something so terribly obvious: the
swelling abdomen and impending birth.

Sorry if I offend any of my fellow countrymen.

Cheryl

    	Along the lines of comments but not necessarily rude:

    	When I told a friend of mine that I was pregnant, her first
    response was "that's not fair we've been trying for two years". What
    was I supposed to say in response to that? I'm sorry for you but we are
    very happy?

    	Throughout the pregnancy whenever she sees me, she would say (in a
    very loud voice) something like "my God, you are HUGE" (this even when
    I was losing weight in the beginning). Now when she sees me, she puffs
    out her cheeks and waddles around me. I can hear and understand her
    pain, but give it a rest.

    	Apparently she thinks it is funny.

    	I, to the contrary, think it is sad.

    				Wendy

re .48

I recall a male co-worker, whose wife had recently had a baby, declaring 
quite publicly during a hallway conversation: "We really are having trouble 
breast-feeding right now.  I am not sure how much longer we will be able to 
do this".  I still chuckle when I think of them.

     re .50
    
    	Thats a friend - I would avoid her at all costs...
    
    It is sad -but who needs abuse..
    
    

    I was greeted this morning by security with puffed cheeks...what a way
    to start the day.  I feel like I've gained in my face and really would 
    rather not be reminded about it, especially first thing in the morning.

    RE: .48
    
    I should have said I was embarassed then, while expecting my first -
    now its another story all together!
    

    
    
    	I think that the point here is the *context* in which some of these
    comments are made.
    
    	I speak very freely with a friend of my husband's (male) who is
    genuinely interested about breastfeeding. He's asked me about
    breastpumps and the actual mechanics involved. His questions do not
    pose a threat to me or seem in any way invasive. I know that he is
    sincere.
    
    	But then, I have also been asked the same questions by other males
    (and females) and in those cases, I felt that they were not trying to
    be open but were rather, in fact, prying.
    
    	I get the same thing when I have to go into a cast or brace,
    everyone assumes that you have become public property and that people
    are free to openly discuss you.
    
    	Being pregnant is simliar, it is blantenly obvious and people feel
    the freedom (need) to make public statements about your life, and your
    decisions.
    
    	I am not offended by people who are concerned about me and what I
    am going through and want to know how *I* am. I am offended by people
    who use my condition as an opportunity to spout their beliefs and
    advice to me and others who happen to be near by.
    
    	It's all in the delivery. ;-)
    
    
    				Wendy
    

    
    
    I wrote a long-winded reply to this topic and then deleted it. 
    Pregnancy is VERY personal in nearly EVERY aspect for a woman;
    therefore, nearly ANY comment made about pregnancy to the expecting
    mother could be considered rude and personal. The only sure way to 
    avoid being rude is not make NO comments at all.... ignore the
    pregnancy.... and even this might be considered rude. While I agree
    that a stranger making the comments in the previous 54 notes IS rude, 
    what is left for friends/family to talk about?  I think that most
    expecting mothers would feel comfortable talking about nearly any 
    aspect of pregnancy as long as she brings it up, but communication
    is a two-way thing and something as natural and obvious as 
    pregnancy is going to come up in conversation/passing. Let it go. 
    
    doug
    

    re: .56
    
    Even that's not safe. 
    
    I had a meeting a few months back with a very pregnant woman I
    know only through work, and since we've never been on personal
    terms I didn't mention the obvious baby.  Found out a week later
    through a mutual acquaintance that she was furious with me because
    I "ignored" her all through the meeting and did I think that just
    because she was pregnant I didn't have to treat her like a human
    being?  I guess she must have been feeling like she was nothing
    but a host to this huge parasite -- a stage I remember going
    through last time -- but I had never exchanged a conversation more
    personal than "Hot today, isn't it?" with her before.  
    
    --bonnie

    
    Anyone out there who does not plan on breastfeeding (for reasons of your
    own) get scowling looks when someone asks them if they are going to 
    breastfeed, and they say no???   I have...  the usual replies are 
    "why not, its better for the baby"  "you really should think about
    it"  "don't think of yourself, think of the baby"...etc etc etc...
    its usually the sneers that irk me the most...
    
    Talk about feeling guilty. I have made the choice not to for various
    reasons and some people can really make me feel like a cruel
    mother-to-be.    I'm not even a mother yet, and I'm already a bad one.
    (in their opinions)
    
    Chris
    

Re: .49

Funny, I have exactly the opposite experience.  I've found Europeans to
be much more open and friendly than Americans.  I suspect it depends a
lot on which part of the US and which parts of Europe the respective
people come from. (I'm you're basic uptight New Englander and have delt
extensively with Dutch, Spanish and Italian folks.)


Re: .58

My wife and I had an amusing experience with opinions regarding breast
feeding when we had our second child.  The nurse in the maternity
section asked if she was going to brest feed or bottle feed.  She told
them she thought she'd breast feed and the nurse came back with and
approving nod and said "good!"  After three days and some
complications, my wife and I talked it over and decided we were more
comfortable with bottle feeding.  The (same) nurse came in and we told
her we decided we'd rather bottle feed.  She gave an approving nod and
said "good!"  If we had videotaped both responses and played them back,
there'd be no way to tell the difference.  Talk about supportive
professionals (and professional supportiveness....)

>>>==>PStJTT

    
    I tend to agree with .55  I know who is being sincere and who
    isn't. 
    
    Even sincere can go wrong however if you are in the wrong
    mood or have had enough with the comments. ie: My mother
    in-law who I know wouldn't try to be mean to me jokingly
    said (I was wearing my first maternity dress which had a
    white panel down the front and the rest was blacK) as I
    was leaving her house that I looked like an oreo.
    Mind you she had complemented the dress and me earlier 
    when we showed up but it was a party and I had had
    enough comments so when she said that I frankly said
    Thanks, but don't make me feel worse.......
    
    Oh well.... 5 mo's to go
    

    Wendy, 
    
    Tell them about the do-it-yourself home circumcision kit you just got
    and are anxious to be able to try out.  If you can do it with a
    straight face it is great to see the reactions you get.
    
    Mike

    Judging by the note we had in here, that could open up an even bigger
    can of rude worms!!!!!
    
    But, yeah, the effect would be great!
    
    

    re:  .58
    
    Yes, I remember it well.  I had great ambition to breastfeed and tried
    getting ready and getting creams and reading books.  I was gung ho and
    ready to go.  Then I had the baby.  He did not want to attach.  The
    nurses, on one hand, pushed breastfeeding but kept giving him sugar
    water when they would take him for this checkups.  When I would not
    give
    him sugar water they told me he would dehydrate.  I was very
    disillusioned.  I had one very supportive nurse who tried to show me
    ways to be more comfortable and help him attach.  I tried pumps and
    spent 3-4 weeks expressing so he could get breast milk.  By the 4th
    week he attached but after 30 minutes each side he was still hungry. 
    I even tried supplemental tubes with breastfeeding.  Finally even the
    Mothers Milk Bank nurse who tried to help me said "We have to get food
    in this kid" so I began formula and said forget it.  I tried call ing
    support groups and was given times when the meetings were but that was
    2-3 weeks away and I needed help then.  
    
    I had two friends who were supportive.  My doctor was disappointed but
    said it was my choice.  HOWEVER, people who saw me making formula (at
    mother's groups or doctors office) would spare not time to tell me how
    I was not providing the best for my child.  The baby was down to 5 lbs
    6 oz from 6lbs 2 oz at 3 weeks.  HE NEEDED FOOD.  Then I got the "If
    you really wanted to you could".  I got angry at first but got to a
    point where I was comfortable with my decision.  I was disappointed as
    no one told me it was not easy.  It was not until AFTER I had the baby
    people told me their problem stories of mastitis and cracked nipples
    and such.  
    
    If I have number 2 I might try again, now that I know what I am up
    against, but I have a very negative view of it all.  My roommate in the
    hospital decided not to breastfeed and the nurses sat with her for an
    hour telling her she should.  She was recovering from a difficult
    C-Section and then had to hear this.
    
    I did make a friend though at my mom's group.  She was new and walked
    in and immeditately saw me making formula.  She came over to me and
    said "Hi, I'm Janine, you use formula too?"  It was like we were two
    ostracized members of society who found each other.
    
    The other good thing was I got everyone elses formula samples and
    coupons in my mom's group.   Only three of us (out of 24) formula fed.
    
    So much for rambling on.  Take care and good luck with formula feeding.
    
    Michelle
    
    P.S.  My husband was glad to be able to help after I switched and was
    glad I was not crying anymore.
    
    

    Maybe I'm ultra-sensitive, but I consider rude comments from
    colleagues at work as sexual harassment.  When I was pregnant, I made
    it abundantly clear that I did not welcome "funny" remarks.  
    Questions such as "when is your baby due" were acceptable, but some of
    the ?'s I've seen in here are deplorable!
    Call me "touchy"...
    Sarah
    

    
    	Hi "Touchy" (sorry, I couldn't resist it). I realy don't believe
    this sort of thing counts as sexual harrasment, fathers-to-be get asked
    similar questions too!
    
    		Ian G.

    Okay, your touchy. :')
    
    Mike

    Beat me to it, eh Ian.  
    
    If anyone accused me of sexual harrassment when asking any of these
    questions, it would floor me.  Here I am being concerned for you and
    then this.  Sorry, I can't see it.  
    
    
    Mike

Kristen, I haven't read any of the replies, but thought I'd let you know
there's probably LOTS more of this kind of comment to come!  I work in
the Customer Support Center and you wouldn't believe the number of customers
who asked if I was going to breast feed - men and women alike!  Frankly,
what I choose to do with my breasts is my business!

Liz

    
    Well, I have to say that I never expected this much activity
    on this topic...what it has done is provide me with information
    of things to come....I am already working on some of the
    responses to the 'questions' I will get.
    
    Thanks for sharing your experiences and it's nice to know that
    other people have had their share of inappropriate comments and
    questions.  I probably won't be so sensitive by realizing that
    you can't control people's curiosity whether it is sincere or
    not and it's up to me whether I acknowledge their question.
    
    Just today a manager asked me if I knew who the father was!
    
    I chuckled and said, "I have it narrowed down to 2!"
    
    Anyways, thanks and I can hardly wait for the times to come...
    
    Kristen
                                                               

    Kristen,
    
    I don't know you or any of the circumstances, but from an outsider,
    your manager's question sounds like harassment.  Glad you could
    laugh.  I'd slap the person.  I realize I don't know the circumstances
    and I apologize if I took this whole thing wrong...  Maybe I'm too
    sensitive.  
                          

I had some trouble with a friend who couldn't understand that I didn't want
to talk about being pregnant at first.  The hormone made me depressed (or maybe
the realization that my life would now be very different).  But she made
all kinds of hurtful comments;  I just avoided her until I could handle it.

I got almost no rude comments.   When I did, I tried to make Miss Manners
proud, I tried to respond politely, but ridiculously.  Like, the woman in the 
grocery store who commented that I was very small, was everything ok - I just 
replied "Oh, how kind of you to notice."

Or the person who asked if I wanted a boy or a girl - I answered, "Oh, what an
interesting question!"

answers like that confuse the hell out of people who ask inappropriate
questions.

 

    What's even more confusing for rude idiots is:
    
    when asked if I wanted a boy or a girl...
    
    I said "YES"... and walked off

    Things were pretty strange at work when I was pregnant.  A few stand out 
    in my memory.   Caution, DECwindows users, this one's long.
                                 *

    I was "on the platform" actively teaching classes all the way through.  
    I knew  the students (mostly male) were dying of curiosity, so on the 
    first morning, I would struggle to my feet and make the following speech:

    "-Yes, I am pregnant. 
     -Yes, the baby was planned.  My husband and I want it very much.  
     -Yes this is our first child.  We'll decide about more after this one's 
     born.
     -No, I do not know the sex.  I do not want to know.  I will be happy 
     either way.
     -No, we have not picked out a name yet.  We are working on it.
     -Yes, I plan to have natural childbirth if all goes well.  Yes, I will
      take Lamaze training.
     -No, the nursery room is not ready yet.
     -I feel fine.  I just can't stay on my feet for long.
     -And finally, what's most important to you:  The baby is not due until
      October.  I WILL NOT have the baby this week unless there's an emergency.
      The doctor says everything's normal.  So don't worry, we WILL finish
      this class.
     -Are there any more questions?"
 
    There never were any more questions.  Some of them were embarassed, but
    everyone's curiosity was satisfied.  And those classes were exceptionally
    well controlled.  I don't know whether it was from sympathy, or because
    they were afraid of me.  

    You should have seen me crawling on the floor to hook up Ethernet cables!

    Almost without exception, every father wanted to tell me his wife's birth
    experience in detail.  It was quite educational for ME!

                                     *

    I thought one of the strangest experiences was during a job interview in
    my ninth month.  The interviewer (male, 50'ish) asked if I planned to
    return to work after the baby's birth.  Why the heck did he think I was
    dragging myself to an interview?  For the fun of it?  Of course, it was
    probably discriminatory, but mainly just stupid.

    For the record, I think most of my interviewers thought I was brave.
    If you've got the strength to interview at nine months, just think of
    the heroics you'd do for the job!  Weird, but it was a plus for me.

    The coolest interviewer was the young father of 3 kids who wasn't fazed
    when I said I was due very soon and might start labor.  He said, "Of
    course labor takes a long time so we can certainly go ahead with our
    meeting, as long as you feel up to it."  Can you imagine interviewing 
    during early labor?  Well, he was game.  Whatta guy.      
        

    Laura

    re .68
    
    Liz,
    
    Thank you for an explanation I can finally understand.  I had always
    thought "are you going to breast feed" was a simple baby care question,
    akin to "are you going to use cloth diapers" or "are you planning to
    use home care or a day care center".  It never occurred to me that
    the woman would think I was asking her what she planned to do with her
    breasts after childbirth!  
    
    From my point of view, I was absolutely amazed that a woman willing to
    discuss her appesiotomy in public would attack me for asking about her
    infant's diet.  Live and learn.
    
    At least now it makes some kind of sense.  Thanks :)
    Beth

re .68, .74 (what I do with my breasts is my business) -

Without wishing to challenge what anyone else finds personally offensive,
it seems to me that this attitude is, at bottom, another symptom of the 
same cultural disorder that allows people to look askance at a woman for
"exposing her breasts in public" to feed her baby.  They both come back
to the idea that breasts are primarily sex organs, which happen to have
the incidental property that they can be used for feeding babies.

If breast-feeding is a "personal" topic (because it involves "private
parts"?), is it any wonder if society continues to expect women to do
it in private?

	-Neil

    
    re .75
    
    >Without wishing to challenge what anyone else finds personally offensive,
    >it seems to me that this attitude is, at bottom, another symptom of the
    >same cultural disorder that allows people to look askance at a woman
    >for "exposing her breasts in public" to feed her baby...
    
    I couldn't agree with you more!  I usually ask coworkers about 
    breastfeeding for appropriate gift giving.  The same goes for cloth 
    diapers. I gave away a slew of plastic pants and bottles from people who
    didn't ask me.  I was amazed (and pleased) by the number of baby gifts
    I received from my coworkers.  Especially the BREASTPUMP!
    
    Rochelle  
    
    

    With some of these replies regarding "harassment", I have to tell you
    I'm shocked.  Yes, some of the questions were asked without the person
    thinking first, but to call them harassment is going overboard.  I
    think it does a disservice to the definition of the word and takes away
    from the seriousness of it.  I have to tell you. I feel as though as I
    am womannotes.
    
    Mike

   Regarding "cute" answers...  When Brenda was prganant and people
   would ask what we were having, I would usually answer with some
   "flip" answer - "puppies", or something like that.
   
   Regarding advise from strangers... I know I got tired of it near
   the end of Brenda's pregnancies, so the only piece of advise I have
   ever volunteered to other pregnant people is this:
   
   "This is the only advise I ever offer - pick someone (or several
   someones) whose advise you are willing to trust, and ignore all
   other advise."
   
   People look at me sort of strange, but once they think about it,
   they often agree that its a good thought.  I suppose its like
   saying to someone "I always lie", which can lead to some unusual
   twists of logic to try to resolve it, but I like it ... 
   
   - Tom
   

    I really don't see any reason to be nasty.  Most of the time people are
    well intentioned (I like to believe anyway) or at least don't mean to
    offend.  My suggestion is, "Be polite, and trust your istincts.  We all
    make parenting mistakes, but we are all doing what we believe is best
    for our children."
    
    Mike

    
    I think that some people may ask some  'offensive' questions
    without even realizing that they are offensive.  I think most
    people ask out of curiosity and/or naivete.  Since I have just
    announced that I am pregnant at work, I haven't had many questions
    asked (just a lot of hugs :)).  Although many people have asked
    if I want a boy or a girl.  I just say that I want a baby that is
    healthy.  I can tell when someone is asking me a question and they
    really want to know out of curiosity and I don't have a problem
    answering their questions.  I can also tell when someone is just
    being obnoxious so then that's the time to throw in a good comeback
    (I always think of really good comebacks after they've left!).
    
    I think if someone (read this from a previous reply) asked me
    who the father was, I would be really ripped.  There was someone
    I knew who was pregnant and I asked her if she wanted a boy or
    a girl.  Since now I realize that some moms-to-be find that
    offensive, I feel really bad for asking her, even though I wouldn't
    feel bad if someone asked me.  She didn't seem to mind.  She said that
    it didn't matter but would really like a girl so she can put cute
    little dresses on her.  Her wish came true!
    
    I'm sure questions get more frequently asked when the mom to
    be is showing.
    
    IMHO                                       7
    -Chris
    

    Below is my imagined reaction to these comments and questions. I have
    never been pregnant, but look forward to the time that it does happen.

    To start - ASK AWAY! I'm proud and happy about being pregnant and would
    love to talk about it. How many other times in your life will people
    show such a genuine interest in you, your family and your life.

    - Thank you for noticing that I'm gaining weight. Yes, the baby is
    growing and this is supposed to happen. Everything is right on track.
    I'd be worried if I wasn't gaining.

    - Breast feeding? Considering that I don't know all the answers, what
    were your, friend's, wife's experience?

    - Was it planned? No: it was a pleasant surprise. Yes: We've been
    looking forward to this.

    - What, I waddle? Ha Ha! Bet I look a little funny. (I'll laugh with
    you, I don't get to laugh very often at myself.)

    - Questions that are really statements or opinions: Thank you for your
    input, I never thought of that; or, There's quite a few different
    opinions on that and thank you for sharing yours, however...

    - And those times when it really is inappropriate: I'll just say so.
    "That makes me uncomfortable when you touch my belly without asking." "I
    don't feel that I need to answer that", etc. I don't see the need to
    verbally insult or attack this inconsiderate person. My displeasure
    will be communicated clearly.  At best I can help them realize the
    inappropriateness of their behavior, however, I have no expectations
    that I'm going to change them.

    Bottom line... I hope to get all the enjoyment I can from this
    experience and maybe learn a little something from someone else.

    Just my opinion,
    Laura
      
      
       

    Laura,
    
    I think your responses are great....I wonder if you're hormones will
    allow you to think so rationally?  You'll have to update us when
    you are pregant.... 8*)  I never expected to feel so private
    about it all either.  I feel all the questions are rather intrusive
    for some reason...
    
    I know I don't have the patience for nosy questions and long stories
    about 'their' experience.  My mother-in-law doesn't even ask me how I
    am, just rambles on and on about how she hated being pregnant and 
    how miserable her kids were (I really need to hear this....) and
    the 'free' advice gets real cumbersome.....I've learned alot about
    what I 'won't do next time I hear someone is pregnant....
    
    Guess this is one of my rather 'grumpy' days...8*)
    
    Kristen
    

    Thinking about this one for a second, and like Laura... I've never been
    pregnant, either.  And you know what?  People can be just as rude...
    just as ignorant/nosey (though sometimes well-meaning):  "When are you
    going to get pregnant?"  
    
    I try to keep this one light-hearted and just reply, "Soon as I figure
    out how it's done!"
    
    marcia
    
                                                           

    re non-pregnancy questions : when i came back from my honeymoon, some jerk
    asked me if "I had something in the oven..."

    
    	RE: .84
    
    	Those are the times when you say to youself, "I wish I had
    	said..."
    
    	Now.. in THAT case, I would've said "Nope...took the cake
    	out and frosted it last night"
    
    	DUH.... 
    
    	/Kim ..who's had that asked of her too

    
    
    	re. 83
    
    	I got asked "So, when are you having a second kid?" by some guy 
    at work, whom I don't know that well, when a woman in my group 
    announced her pregnancy. I was so shocked that people can be so 
    rude and raw that I muttered something like "I like my family as is." 
    If I wasn't in shock I would have chewed his head off! 
    
    	
    Eva

    From a comment from my  ever-blunt mother inlaw...
    
    I usually am aware of my pregnancy from about the 28th day of my cycle,
    needless to say between the home tests, and the blood test the doctor
    does I usually have a confirmation of my suspicions by day 29 or 30
    of my cycle.  This was the case with a pregnancy that unfortunately
    miscarried by about the third week after conception, but in my joy and
    at the same time wonder how do I handle two children barely 20 months
    apart, I hurried to tell my mother inlaw what seemed to me to be "the
    good news", right?   Wrong!!
    
    She made some off the cuff remark to the effect of "you always tell me
    you're pregnant soooooo early, can't you wait to tell us, it just makes
    for such a long time and pregnancy.    Did she think that if I ignored
    the pregnancy it would take less time....now that's rude!! 
    
    (of course in that case I almost wished I had waited)
    
    The other remark that comes to mind was as I was being discharged from
    the hospital after having AJ, the covering OB was removing my stiches,
    and had a med student with *her*, and as part of the routine discharge
    procedure was going down the usual post Csection checklist of don't do
    this, don't do that etc, and her next line, not knowing my history of
    infertility and difficulty conceiving was, "and of course you'll need
    an form of contraception?  I think I made her speechless when I
    informed her NO Thank you, my problem is *conception* NOT
    CONtraception!  Don't get me wrong, she was an excellent doctor but
    unfortunately just didn't know what I had been through conceiving this
    baby!

    
    I got a similar comment from a few people about finding out "too"
    early....they would say "you found out too early, nows its going 
    to seem like forever, and make youre pregnancy even longer".
    
    (I found out on the day I was due for my period)
    
    Well, after trying for 6 months, I'm *sorry* I couldn't wait another 
    couple months to tell everyone.  (I kinda wished I had when I heard these
    comments)
    
    Chris
    

So far, the rudest comment I've had (and it came from a family member with
whom I have a *very* good relationship) was:

	"Since you have such large hips, you probably won't show for
	 a long time."


**OUCH**!!!

Since this comment came 2 days after the death of a family member, I dismissed
it as an accidentally thoughtless comment...

    It doesn't bother me, but one thing I've noticed is that whenever I
    tell ANYONE that I'm pregnant, their eyes automatically go down to
    my stomach.   EVERY person, EVERY time.   
    
    Pam