Conference moira::parenting_v3

1038.0. "Wanted: Parent" by SCAACT::RESENDE (Digital, thriving on chaos?) Thu Jul 18 1991 23:49

                            WANTED:  PARENT

From Wednesday's Child
By Maggie Moschell

It has been said that parenting is one of the hardest jobs, because just 
when you get the hang of it the child changes and you have to cope with a 
new set of circumstances.  Imagine if someone were to run a "Help Wanted" 
ad for the job of "Parent."  The job description would change every so 
often:

Wanted:  Parent of Infant
Must be able to function without sufficient sleep for long periods of time. 
Must be able to walk the equivalent of 10 miles each night without leaving 
the bedroom.  Must put social life and sex life on hold while tending to 
the needs of a totally dependent, demanding, unreasonable, and very tiny 
boss.  If this is a first-born, must have photography skills; less 
essential for later-borns.  Must be proficient at interpreting commands 
given in ear-piercing shrieks.  Must enjoy, or at least tolerate, highly 
repetitive tasks:  diapering, feeding, burping, diapering, feeding, 
burping, ...

Wanted:  Parent of Toddler
Must be able to handle life-threatening emergencies several times daily 
while performing usual daily tasks.  Must tolerate cluttered working 
conditions.  Eyes in back of head a plus.  Ability to bend over hundreds of 
times a day essential.  Must comprehend highly specialized jargon such as 
"ga-ga," "ba-ba," and "bankie."  Must have no desire for personal privacy.  
Benefit package includes sticky hugs and kisses.

Wanted: Parent of 2-Year-Old
Must have extraordinary degree of patience.  Knowledge of "Sesame Street" 
characters a plus.  Must have the ability to handle the demands of an 
unpredictable, negative, stubborn subordinate with delusions of grandeur.  
Negotiating abilities essential.

Wanted: Parent of Pre-Schooler
Must be omnipotent, able to answer any "why" question while performing 
tasks such as driving through heavy traffic, cooking, showering, or making 
love.  Depending on child's ability to nap, you may have to relinquish all 
coffee breaks.  Mechanical skills needed to assemble trikes, wagons, and 
assorted plastic toys, usually without the instructions.

Wanted: Parent of Elementary School-Aged Child
Chauffeur's license essential.  Overtime includes evenings at PTA meetings, 
school pageants, soccer games, paper drives, and other activities you swore 
you'd never become involved in.  Your job includes being social secretary, 
responsible for scheduling child's birthday party invitations, gymnastic 
practice, music lessons, soccer practice, and current list of best friends.

Wanted: Parent of Pre-Teenager
Depending on interests of child, you will have to refine your working 
knowledge of soccer, football, cheerleading, drill team, computer, 
Nintendo, MTV, and current slang.  You must translate jargon such as byte, 
Reebok, tight end, touchdown, dude, dweeb, hey mom, plie, gross, neon, and 
others, which change rapidly.  Ability to fade into the woodwork at 
appropriate times a plus.

Wanted:  Parent of Teenager
(See 2-year-old and substitute current fads for Sesame Street, and you'll 
get the general idea.)  Driver's license no longer necessary, since teen 
will inevitably have car when you need it, or will be out of gas.  You will 
be treated as if you have lost some or all of your mental acuity.  Don't 
panic!

Wanted: Parent of Kid in College
Must own washing machine in good working condition, since it will be used 
non-stop every weekend or holiday.  Bottomless purse essential (you may 
have to moonlight).  This is a part-time parenting job, but you must be "on 
call" at all times for emergency assistance (usually for money).

Wanted: Parent of Adult
Whereas you have spent the past two decades dispensing help, advice, and 
criticism, you have the hardest job of all:  Stopping all of the above, 
unless asked.  Don't despair, however.  When grandchildren appear, you have 
the chance to begin all over again, and perhaps refine your skills.

    
    That is just great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I love it!!!!
    I have extrated it, and plan on making plenty of copies to give to 
    family and friends for a good laugh!  And one for my mom 
    (Grandma-to-be), she'll really enjoy it!!
    
    Thanks so much for sharing it with us!
    
    :-)   Chris
    
    (who in 3 1/2 mos will be accepting this new position!  Scary! :-)
    
    

    Steve,
    
    I thought that was wonderful and very true.
    
    Kathy

    Re: .0 :  A dreadful, dismal, negative view of parenthood written by
    someone who doesn't seem to have a clue about what it's really about.
    Can you imagine having a parent like that?
    
    Kit

    Am I glad you said that, Kit . . . I hate to always be the one
    complaining about these silly sentimentalized attempts to make
    parenting sound like a noble sacrifice . . . 
    
    --bonnie

    Noble sacrifice??? Hum, well, either way a little (dry) humor goes a long 
    way!  Thanks for printing it!
    
    Nancy