| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 971.1 | | JUPITR::MAHONEY | | Tue Jun 18 1991 10:04 | 21 |
| Laura,
So sorry to hear such a thing. All I can say is that if it seems
that she is trying to get back to living, then let her go. Only she
knows when she is ready to do so. Maybe this is her way of grieving.
By talking about trying again and taking her boys back home with her.
IMHO, that's really good! Alot of women don't bounce back so quickly.
The first couple of weeks is crucial, it is very important to show you
care and your concern. But, that family has to pick up the peices on
their own, with your assistance when needed.
My good friends sister in law went through the same thing, only her
baby was born alive and died 24 hours later. My friend was there for
her and her family for a solid 2 weeks. Then she backed off to give
them time to learn to handle the loss on their own and to grieve
amongst themselves. Her sister in law is doing very well now
considering the tragedy was a month ago. I'm sure they will never be
totally over this, but at least they can carry on with there lives.
Again, my condolences.
Sandy
|
| 971.2 | | MILPND::PIMENTEL | | Tue Jun 18 1991 15:02 | 25 |
| Laura, having gone through this with our first and only biological
child 19 years ago, I can relate. Today they have counselling sessions
and group session available for Laura and her family that they didn't
offer back then.
My advise is to let her be the one to bring up the subject. It would
be nice if you could think of happy good healthy other subjects to talk
about to help her keep her mind off of it. Susie is probably doing
better than the rest of the people around her. I know I didn't want
any pitty and I hated everyone saying they were sorry. I knew they
were sorry. I liked it when people talked about other things and I
liked it when they talked about Cheryl's death with me when I brought
it up.
As the months go by i.e., 1 month old, 2 month old etc. ask her how she
is doing today. It lets her know you haven't forgotten and she'll be
sure to be thinking about it on those particular days.
She's probably doing better than most people around her so don't worry
God will take care of her.
That's all I have to offer. Hope it helps
Hugs,
Mary
|
| 971.3 | hope this helps | CSCMA::L_ARCABASCIO | | Tue Jun 18 1991 15:40 | 41 |
| Laura,
I had a stillbirth last August. I cord accident that happened four
days after my due date. What I needed, or needed people to do was:
-say the childs name, most friends never said my daughters name once,
and to this day dont bring it up, (the whole birth, not just her
name) it makes me feel like they think it never took place. I wish
the would acknowledge it more.
-remember the pain goes on for a long time...many people acted like
I should be over it at three or four or five months. Not true, its
easier now, but the tears still flow.
-I personally love to talk about her...dosen't bother me.
-Dont apologize if you make her cry...people hate to feel responsible
for make others cry, but there is nothing wrong with it. It gets
more out, in fact.
-give her a Christmas ornament with the childs name on it, or any
keepsake on a holiday, mothers day, birthday...remember this child
existed!!
-pass this on to her other friends if you know them...too many friends
of ours "gave us space" meaning after the service they didnt call
for months. We needed them to call.
-remember the husbands pain too!!
-suggest she read about grief, losing a child, whatever the medical
reason was if there was one, etc. It helps A LOT.
-tell her she dosent have to "try again", she didn't fail the first
time, she has to "have another baby"
-I felt we were the only couple this ever happened to, not true
-sorry I've rambled
Lisa
|
| 971.4 | What got my sister through | CRONIC::ORTH | Crash all you want, we'll boot more! | Wed Jun 19 1991 15:11 | 42 |
| My sister and bro-in-law's first child died within 3 days after birth.
She loved to talk about Jessica, and we followed her cue. She has
pictures of her in the family album, and spent a lot of time after the
birth of their second child, whom they named Jennifer, calling her
Jessica.
The hardest things for her were:
1) Seeing people who knew she'd been pregnant but didn't know she'd
lost hte baby. They'd all ask the standard, "What did you have? What
did you name her?", etc. type of questions, and she always felt funny
about those situations. Also seeing people with newborns was tough at
first. Then seeing people with infants the same age Jessica would have
been, was real tough.
2) As someone else mentioned, contact her on the anniversary dates. My
sis said that you'd think at 4 mos....oh, she'd be really holidng up
her head now, rolling over, etc. One year was probably the toughest.
As a matter of fact, they were trying tohave another child, and
studiously avoided getting pregngnat at a time which would have the
baby born at the same time Jessica was.
3) When she did get pregnant again, it was tough when people would ask,
Is this you first? She never knew how to answer. She hated to say yes,
feeling intensely disloyal to Jessica, but a "no", invited people to
adk about the sex and age of the other(s). And then she'd have to tell
them the first was dead. Not pleasant when talking to relative
strangers.
I would definitely follow her lead, and don't assume it's unpleasant to
talk about it...it may be very pleasurable to her. If she seems to
enjoy talking about LIndsey, you might even bring it up at the
anniversary dates ("how're you doing today? Lindsey would've been 3
mos. old today, huh?") Only you can decide if this is a good thing aor
not. I know, my sister appreciated it.
Bless you for wanting to be such a good supportive friend....Susi is
fortunate, and so is her husband (yes, do remember he's likely
intensely grieving, too.....I can't personaly imagine going through
that, but I'd want lots of support, too, if I was).
--dave--
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| 971.5 | Three short months since Daniel | KAOFS::M_FETT | Schreib Doch Mal! | Tue Jun 25 1991 12:32 | 14 |
| I had to think for a moment on what I'd want others to do for me....
The last two replies have been fairly accurate though,
I feel better when people refer to him as Daniel and not "the baby".
It's incredibly hard to deal with others have children at this time --
no less than 10 other women I know have had or are going to have babies
in the first 6 months of this year. Some cousins and some close
friends.
And the sure fire thing to get me to burst out in tears is to watch
a birthing scene in a movie. Gets me EVERY SINGLE time.
But crying is good -- let her know that she should not feel like
she has to restrain herself from doing it. A shoulder to cry on
is a friend's best gift.
Monica
|
| 971.6 | We've been there too | JAWS::TRIPP | | Fri Aug 02 1991 12:55 | 41 |
| Sorry this is late, but I have to add that .4 is probably the closest
to what I would have said. One thing that can't be said enough is just
simply LISTEN!, If she wants to talk, then it's because she needs to
vent her feelings, and it was probably the most important part for us
to have someone willing to listen-to every tiny detail of pregnancy,
labor and birth.
It's probably too late now, but I donated expressed milk to a local
milk bank for several weeks after our stilbirth delivery, it made me
fell that I was helping another little one live, since I couldn't
nurture my little girl.
For us it was particularly difficult because I had two sister-inlaws
who were pregnant and due 6 weeks after me. I didn't want them to worry
that this is the way their pregnancies might end. My husband and I
both had a very hard time visiting my sister inlaw in the hospital
after her birth and a few weeks later during the Christening and party
that followed. We both felt we had somehow been "cheated". My other
sister inlaw lived and gave birth out of state, we didn's see their
baby until it was 3 or 4 months old, and it was also very difficult to
hold a baby even then.
For us each birthday is remembered (it was 6 years ago), and each
niece's birthday is still difficult, since our daughter's birthday
should have been celebrated too (and first!).
My husband's biggest complaint was that coworkers acted like it never
happened, and never offered him the chance to talk about it, he felt
isolated.
Interestingly, something like .4 mentioned, we met our internest a
couple days after the funeral in a department store, he was buying
diapers for his youngsters. Obviously I wasn't pregnant anymore and he
too inquired what we had had, when and so forth. Even as a physician
he was at a loss for words when we told him we had lost our daughter to
stillbirth.
Sorry to ramble, this is still and emotional issue some six years
later.
Lyn
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