Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Dottie, God bless you for having such a warm heart!
    
    I'm not totally clear on your own daughter's age, but if they go to 
    school together could you include enough in your daughter's lunch to
    share with her hungry friend.
    
    Our friend has a 12 year old boy, and from what I hear "brown baggin"
    is OUT!  Kind of too bad, since the schools seem to offer a lot of
    starch, like pizza and grinder sanwiches.
    
    Would you be willing to either buy a big "share size bag" of something
    like popcorn, the Shaw's brand is 99cents for a big bag, or perhaps
    your little friend might "earn" it by doing some little chores for you,
    like watching your dog, feeding a cat or other animal, or watering you
    flowers.  You know what I'm trying to say, a minimal amount of work in
    exchange for enough money for an after school treat.  Would you be
    willing to invite this little one to your house one night a week for
    dinner with your family?  I probably would if I lived closer.
    
    The unfortunate part of this is that the government standards for food
    assistane is ridiculously low, or that those who qualify sometimes
    won't because of pride.  Bless you again for being concerned!
    
    Lyn

Lyn:

Juli is 20 months old.

Since Juli is "too young" to visit other neighborhood kids' homes, we welcome
the kids to our fenced-in backyard ... that way Juli has plenty of playmates
and I can still see what Juli's doing and "control" the environment (since
it's on "our turf").

There's about 9-11 neighborhood kids who play with Juli ... somedays just
2 or 3, on average about 4-5, and I've counted as many as 10 (weekends!).
We have "rules" and the kids are EXCELLENT about following them (no fence
climbing, pushing, kicking, rough-housing, sand stays in sandbox, no name-
calling, no house privileges except for bathroom emergencies ... and Jim or
I MUST be home during playtime).

These kids range from - 3 are Juli's age (2'ish), 1 is 3'ish, 2 are 5'ish
... and then upwards to the two oldest are 11.  The older kids are great
about helping the little kids (with swings, playing ball, etc.).

None of these kids go to Juli's daycare.  I did ask all kids to give me
their names, folks' names and phone numbers (in case of an accident).
I also gave them our name/number, too.

If Juli asks for a treat or drink, I make sure I have enough of it for
"everyone".  I use micro popcorn a lot, as well as popsicles (on sale!),
lollipops, Ritz bits, etc.

I still worry about this 11-year old (and her 6-year old sister) ... and
all the other little kids in the world who obviously go to bed hungry at
night!  First time I've had to face this -- head on!  I bet these kids would
welcome a plain ol', dry peanut butter sandwich!  Kids!  How I wish every
kid's belly was full when s/he went to bed at night.

Dottie

PS:  Unfortunately I sense that their parents would "just die" if they knew
     "we knew" of their predicament ... 

    
    I think Lynn has some great ideas!   Why not ask the young girl if
    she'd be available to "babysit" Juli on occasion and give her
    some compensation?  If she's still a bit young to do so unattended
    then maybe have her babysit while you take a bath or clean the
    basement or whatever.   Kind of a white lie, but it allows the
    child and her parents to save face, so to speak.   In situations
    like these, I usually figure the $3-5 or so is better off in 
    the other person's pocket than mine (assuming you don't also have 
    a TIGHT budget...)  
    
    cj/

    Here's a few ideas for "cheap" snacks:
    
    1.)  If you buy a big jar of unpopped popcorn (BJ's has a 1 gallon jug
    for a couple of dollars) you can put the popcorn in brown lunch bags
    and just fold the top.  Put it in the microwave (no oil, etc) and
    you'll get a cheap popcorn snack.
    
    2.)  Alot of times supermarkets sell their own brand of juice for alot
    less than the name brands.  You can make your own popsicles.  My mom
    used to make them with icecube trays with saranwrap over it and
    toothpicks stuck through.  My mom would fill the trays up and place the
    wrap on and us kids would be overwhelmed by putting the toothpicks in. 
    My mom thought these were so much easier and inexpensive than the box
    of popsicles.  Most of the time little kids drop half their popsicle
    anyway, so alot of it is going to waste.  The icecube ones seem to be
    just their size.  I use these all the time for my daughter.
    
    
    3.)  Kids don't have any comprehension of what is "inexpensive" and
    what isn't.  If you buy a bag of apples, get a "tub" of cheap peanut
    butter.  You can put it in a bowl with sliced apples and they'll have
    so much fun dipping their apple pieces in the peanut butter.
    
    
    4.)  BJ's wholesale club is an excellent place to get huge amounts of
    snacks (apples, cheese, animal crackers, etc.) for just a small amount
    of cash.  Where abouts do you live?  Is there a BJ's near you?
    
    I agree with Lyn too.  She could even help fold laundry, sweep the
    sidewalk (my kid loves this!), etc.  That way you don't feel like you
    are giving this child free snacks, but she merely is "working" for
    them.  She could stop by your house on her way to school and she could
    pick up the snacks then.
    
    There is definately a place in heaven for you!!!!
    
    
    Good Luck,
    
    Gail

    
    Just an afterthought, I'd recommend asking the girl's parents if
    it would be okay with them before you "hired" her to do tasks.
    
    Also, I for one think it would be better to give her some $$ and 
    have her buy herself some treats.   It would allow her some control
    of the situation....but there have been some good suggestions for
    inexpensive snacks here.   Maybe introduce her to coupons, too!
    
    Good luck and bless your heart, Dottie.   I hope that brown-bagging
    is "in" by the time Jason and Juli reach school!
    
    Carol
    

    Maybe I misunderstood the base note, but I don't understand what the
    big problem is.  Is she going to bed hungry, or did you jump to that
    conclusion?
    
    I NEVER bought lunch at school when I was a kid, not once, never.  We
    brown bagged it.  My parent's could not afford to give us (8) a dollar
    for school lunch every day. That doesn't mean we were hungry.  We were
    fed quite well enough.  We just brought it from home that's all.  As
    for the ridicule, the best advice I could have given that child would
    have been to develop a thicker skin.  Life isn't easy, and kids will
    ridicule -- whether it's the way you dress, what you eat, the color of
    your eyes, you name it.  At some point in time, you must develop the
    attitude to deal with these kinds of barbed remarks, and carry on.
    
    I wouldn't assume that because this girl's parents don't buy treats she
    is part of the famished children going to bed hungry every night. 
    Treats are the first things to go when I go "over Budget" with my
    grocery bill.  And if these parents are unemployed, all the more
    reason to leave the treats in the grocery store.
    

    I've been there too.
    
    She's probably not going to bed hungry, Dot.  I appreciate your
    concern, and I'll bet she does too, and if there were more people
    like you, there'd be a better world.  But when she says "extras,"
    she probably does mean extras, like snack foods and fresh fruits
    and vegetables.  Want to know a secret?  One of the things that
    means the most to me about my DEC job is that I can go to the
    store and buy *fresh mushrooms* at ridiculous expense to slice up
    in my spaghetti sauce.  And *fresh tomatoes* for my sandwiches. 
    Canned and frozen are so much cheaper.
    
    Actually I hate sandwiches now because for 11 years I sat in the
    lunch room and choked them down while the luscious aromas of
    spaghetti and grilled-cheese sandwiches from the hot lunch trays
    tickled my nose. 
    
    It's complaining, yes, but it's not "just complaining."  The
    ridicule is real, especially when you're trying to move "up" a
    class by getting involved in something like cheerleading that
    tends to be reserved for the comfortable middle-classes, not the
    blue-collar and below.  You have to do things a certain way.  It's
    not so much the money as a symbol that indicates that you think
    the same way as everybody else, so you're safe.  
    
    The constant awareness of difference makes it a lot harder to
    achieve.  There's a little wall that you have to deal with
    constantly that the others aren't aware is even there.  Some days
    you don't even feel like trying.  
    
    Support and understanding are probably at least as useful as
    the other snacks. 
    
    --bonnie
    

I wish people wouldn't accept as a given that kids will make fun
of other kids.  I think that if parents discuss teasing with their
kids they won't do it.  And if parents neglect their responsibility
to give their kids the minimal moral values it takes to realize
they shouldn't be trying to hurt other children, then I believe the
school can educate the children about that.  I've never understood
what is going on in the mind of a kid that deliberately tries to make
another kid feel bad for not having money, or being different in any
sort of way.

    re: .8
    
    Well, yes, that's true, but that doesn't help any when you're
    dealing with a child who's on the receiving end.  
    
    Generally a child who's dishing it out has either never been
    taught that it's mean or else is so insecure that s/he's going to
    attack before her/his own defenses can be undermined.  In all
    likelihood s/he has parents who are also threatened by other
    people's differences.  
    
    --bonnie