Conference moira::parenting_v3

     An interestng topic.
     Imaginary playmates are quite common.  In fact, don't be
suprised if Nicole can provide an incredible amount of detail --
like what color her hair is, where she lives, what she likes to
eat, and so forth.  Sometimes they will actually go so far as to
carry on conversations out loud, or set a place at the table if the
friend has been invited to dinner. 
     I would suggest taking it matter of factly and playing along
with it, as long as it doesn't affect her ability to deal with
"reality"; for example if she never wanted to be with anyone but
"Nikki", alone in her room.  
     In my uneducated view, it's entirely possible that "Nikki" is,
in part, Nicole's subconcious or occasionally a convenient way of
expressing a thought that she might not want to believe is her own. 
In the absence of any indications of poor self image, I wouldn't
necessarily worry that "Nikki" has said that your daughter is dumb
-- everybody thinks they are dumb from time to time.
     Perhaps some well-read person out there has shed some light
for us.

Clay
  

    My daughter has 2 consistent (Jessie and Carrie) imaginary friends and
    others that pop in and out.  Sound a little like Sybil??? Well we
    thought so at first, so my husband asked the school psychologist at his
    school. She said it is very normal and very healthy.  Healthy because 
    they are preparing to play with real children!  In other words, they are 
    learning how to share, etc.. (even though no-one is really there).  This 
    was also confirmed to me by Dr. John Cohen on channel 5. Someone called in
    and asked the same question and Dr. Cohen answered the same way the
    school psychologist did.
    
    Cara hasn't asked us to set a place at the table for her friends, but
    she will tell us how Jessie did this or Carrie did that and she will
    "play" with them.
    
    I think like the previous noter said, if they can't play with other
    children, etc... then maybe I would question it.  So far, Cara plays
    with other children fine.  As a matter of fact, she loves to have other
    kids around.
           

    Don't forget, Sesame Street had(has) Snuffy as an imaginary friend
    and only Big Bird could see him.  I don't recall the details of how
    they got Snuffy to be accepted by the others.

    Last week's "Full House" program had the little 4 year old girl with an
    imaginary friend.  Like a previous note, they too set a place for the
    friend, and everyone was admonished NOT to sit on him.  It was nicely
    handled.
    
    Me....well I talk to myself, I just don't worry until MYSELF answers
    back :-) !!
    

    Brian (4) has had an imaginary friend for about a year and a half now.  His
    name is Louie and he is a cat.  There was a cat named Louie at Brian's
    old daycare home and our Louie showed up just after he left there to
    stay home with Mom and his new baby brother.
    
    At first, Brian would make Louie talk to us.  We always knew it was
    Louie rather than Brian because Louie's voice is much higher.  If
    anyone made the wrong assumption that they were talking with Brian,
    Louie would be quick to correct them with "Its me, Louie!".  :)
    
    These days, Louie doesn't talk to us, but Brian talks about him quite
    often.  It usually relates to something that's going on -- when I got
    my new car, Louie got one too.  A lot of times it seems like Brian
    talks about Louie so that he can take part in the conversation.
    
    Interestingly, Brian has never used Louie as a scapegoat or to express
    negative feelings about himself.  In fact, Louie's about the greatest
    cat you'd ever want to meet.  Whenever someone gets something new,
    Brian always pipes up with "Louie bought that for you" and I often hear
    stories of how "Louie raked all the leaves today" or "Louie took care
    of Neil for Mommy".
    
    One sort of puzzling aspect about this imaginary cat is that although
    Louie is always referred to as "he", he's managed to give birth to 53
    kittens -- all at once!  The kittens are wonderful dancers and Brian
    puts on elaborate dances to show us all the steps that the kittens have
    taught him.
    
    It's really kind of fun to have Louie around, but I'm beginning to
    wonder how long he'll last.  Does anyone know when this sort of thing
    usually ends?  I thought it might stop when Brian started pre-school
    last fall, but Louie's still with us.  I'm not really worried about it
    because Brian seems fully aware that Louie is pretend, but I'm just
    curious about what age it typically ends.
    
                                              Tracy

    My oldest developed an imaginary friend (a horse named Speedy) and his
    brother quickly found one (another horse named Cocoa).  However, these
    two do not take up a lot of space or time in their lives.  They are
    most prevalent when it comes time to have snacks (they eat like
    horses...) or when the boys are feeling/being silly. 
    
    -sandy
    

      >  Don't forget, Sesame Street had(has) Snuffy as an imaginary friend
      >  and only Big Bird could see him.  I don't recall the details of how
      >  they got Snuffy to be accepted by the others.
    
    If I remember correctly, they finally had the rest of the Sesame Street
    gang recognize Snuffaluffagus because they didn't want Big Bird to be
    accused of lying when he was telling the truth.  Snuffy was not
    imaginary -- we all saw him when Big Bird did, but he disappeared
    whenever another Sesame Street'er came along.  At first, whenever Big
    Bird would talk about Snuffy, no-one believed him.  It was decided that
    this was not a good idea because it might keep kids who had been abused 
    from telling about it, out of fear that they might not be believed.
    
                                                Tracy

Perhaps a better example is Hobbes, Calvin's cohort.  He's not imaginary, but 
he's certainly different when he's alone with Calvin than when there are other 
people around.

Clay

    re Louie the cat
    
    Thanks for making my morning! It was such a pleasure to read about
    Louie and what a nice part of your son's life he is.  From the little I
    know about imaginary friends, he'll go away when your son doesn't need
    him anymore.... not necessarily at a distinct age or time.
    
    Regards,
    

    I had seven imaginary friends. We had to make room for them in the
    car. From what I remember they faded away when I reached first grade
    and gone when my little sister arrived (I was seven).

    	Imaginary friends can also be a way of dealing with stress and
    fear. Although I barely remember, there are many stories in my family
    about my imaginary friend who was called "birthday ghost". Apparently I
    would talk to this friend for hours on end.

    	Usually there is no concern with imaginary friends as they often
    indicate a creative imagination and a readiness to start integrating
    with others. There was some concern with mine as my father had died when
    I was 6 months old and the adults thought that this was my way of
    dealing with it later on. My mother was a little concerned that I was
    reliving something that she had tried to bury. And (being somewhat
    superstitious), she also wondered if infact I was talking to the ghost
    of my father.

    	In any event nothing was really done (except a good spanking when I
    drew a life-size picture of the Birthday ghost on the wall with pencil)
    What is interesting is that that picture was actually a small child's
    interpretation of what my father had looked like complete, with smoking
    pipe. I had never been allowed to see a picture of him and so who
    really knows what was happening, maybe we do understand more at 6
    months than we let on.
     
    	I don't remember when I stopped communicating to it, but I'm sure
    that it served a purpose that was very important at the time.


    			Wendy

    Kat had an imaginary big sister named Kelly.  Kelly did not take
    up a lot of space, or eat much food, or anything else, but she did
    occasionally egg Kat on into doing things she wasn't supposed to
    do. . .
    
    Steven's "imaginary" friend is Bee, a Bumblelion (anybody remember
    Wuzzles, from about 8 years ago?) who is looking decidedly old and
    shabby.  Bee comes with us, rides in the car, gets fed, has to be
    where he can breathe, and so on, except that if I actually say Bee
    should do something, Steven tells me scornfully, "Bee isn't real."
    
    So I guess he knows the difference all right. 
    
    --bonnie

    
    I had imaginary friends, some were people, some were inbetween.  And
    they had adventures that paralleled what was happening in my life.
    Two were girls (their names are too embarrassing to mention!), another
     was named Tonky and he looked like Dopey of the Seven Dwarves fame, and 
    one day they all went into the forest and came out with "little baby Sam" 
    who was the 4th and final friend.  (My mom had my little brother when I 
    was 3 1/2 and this followed).  I talked to them incessantly and, except 
    for still talking to myself occasionally as an adult, there seem to be
    no negative repercussions, only warm memories.
    
    Funny story: I have a friend whose son had a imaginary friend.  This only 
    became a problem when they were on a plane trip and the imaginary friend 
    needed a seat on the plane so the boy say on his mother's lap the entire
    flight!                            
    
    Enjoy it...it's the sign of a vivid imagination.
    
    -dorothy

RE: previous replies

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I feel a lot better about my daughter's
"friend". Usually, I'm a read-only noter, but I really wanted other parent's
opinions on this topic. Thanks again!

    Speaking of "friends going away" - it just occured to me that our
    Amy's "Chauny" hasn't been around lately.  Chauny came to live with
    us shortly after Amy's little brother was born.  Amy is now 5 1/2.
    Chauny used to do things that I think Amy really wanted to do i.e.
    jump off the top of the slide, go down the toilet with the water to
    see where it goes, etc.  I never had a problem with her friend because
    I too feel it's the product of a vivid imagination.  Enjoy!
    

    My daughter had an imaginary friend at age 3 1/2 and it was so cute the
    day that my father-in-law held a conversation with her.  My daughter go
    very upset on the way home and said "Mama, Kim is make beleive and
    Papa doesn't know it!"
    
    I think that was the end of her friend at age 4 1/2.
    
    My son also developed a couple of imaginary friends.  There names are
    Nobody and Nobody II is his sister!  
    
    We've had more fun with our children and their imaginary friends.  I
    just play along with them.  John is 4 1/2 now and he recently told me
    that these friends are make beleive.  That usually signifies the end
    of their friends.
    
    I beleive it's healthy because it promotes creativity.  It allows them
    to express themselves and their feelings more easily.  My daughter (age
    13 now) has no problem expressing herself cause she knows that we
    listen.  When I was a child I was told "don't be so foolish" so I had
    to keep my pretend play to myself and then later my feelings because I
    thought that they might be "foolish."
    
    Enjoy.
    
    

    
    Funny, I was just talking to my daycare provider about Spencer's latest
    "freind".  He is only 2 1/2 but he has a couple of friends.  Usually a
    new one each day.  Yesterday it was "Strawberry Horse".  "SHHHH,
    strawberry horse is sleeping"  I had to whisper for about 30 min.  "OK,
    strawberry horse is awake now, you can talk"
    
    This morning he woke up and "This is my friend Tina"  I have no idea
    where he got Tina.  He carried Tina around all morning, gave her juice,
    she sat next to him in the car and he carried her into Daycare with him
    and told Denise (his daycare provideder) "This is Tina, Tina is my
    friend" etc...  When I just talked to her, she said he is still
    carrying Tina around with him - his arms must be getting tired!!!
    
    We always had to set places and provide snacks for whoever it was that
    was joining us that day.  Usually "real" things i.e. his Ernie doll,
    Big Bird doll etc.  At least there was something in the chair you could
    see.  Now, we set a place for his imaginary friend for the day.  I
    think its really neat.  Sometimes its a pain.  "Mommy, you just stepped
    on Strawberry Horse"  me-"Ooops, sorry Strawberry Horse"
    
    I thought 2 1/2 was a little early, doesn't seem like any other replies
    had imaginary friends that early...
    
    Oh, Spencers friends also have extra high voices when they are talking
    or he talks to them.
    

    I had four imaginary friends as a child, Blackie, Greenie, Brownie,
    and Granny. I think I imagined them something like the ewoks that
    came years later in the star wars movies. I know my oldest son had
    an imaginary friend for a while around 3, but I don't recall the
    name. My second son went from making up names and stories for his
    Panda bears, to making up stories using Fisher Price adventure people,
    to creating a whole town a la Garrison Keelor's lake Woebegone. He
    is currently a freshman in college and has written at least one
    short story about the town and its people. He talks about it with his
    16 year old special needs brother who knows all the people that
    Peter has created. It is a real 'stich' to listen to Peter and Steven
    talk in all seriousness about these people.
    
    Bonnie

    For those movie fans:
    
    I saw a movie advertised last night (can't remember the name --
    something something FRED).  It's about a young woman's imaginary
    childhood friend who comes back - looks like it can really funny!
    
    -sandy
    

re: 19

And there's always the Classic "Harvey".

Clay

   And don't forget Horatio Nibbles - a British Harvey, if I recall
   properly..
   

    My daughter had two imaginary friends.  When I questioned why two, she
    said one was to keep the other company when she (my daughter) wasn't
    around. And by the way, they were birds.
    

    The movie is "Drop Dead Fred"