Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    The only thing I can think that *might* help is to mimic the bedtime
    routine that the child has been accustomed to with her mother; if
    there was such a routine.   But, I too, believe that it will take
    time for your granddaughter to adjust to the loss of her mother.
    
    My heart goes out to this child - and to all of you - at this trying
    time,
    
    Carol

    Kat always seemed to know that her father was missing, even though
    he left before she was born and she never knew him, and she had
    plenty of love around.  She has always been a restless sleeper,
    and prone to nightmares from a pretty early age.
    
    There's nothing much you can do except offer her a lot of love and
    comfort, especially when she wakes up at night.  A little extra
    dose of personal attention from her father right before bedtime
    would probably also help.  
    
    --bonnie

    My husbands mother left him and his two brothers when he was only 1
    year old.  She left for the same reasons that you mentioned in your
    basenote. He was passed around from relative to relative and I don't
    think he ever has gotten over the fact that his own mother abandoned
    him.  I think it is something that he will always have to deal with.
    By being passed around so much he said he grew up thinking that noone
    wanted him and he didn't feel loved by anyone.  He said him and his
    brothers always thought they must have been bad bys in some way that
    would make their mom leave.  They also felt that if their own mom doesn't 
    want them who else would.
    
    My suggestion is that if your daughter-in-law doesn't come back and work 
    things out between her and her daughter, please let your granddaughter 
    know as she is growing up, that it wasn't her fault and that she is loved 
    by other people.
    
    I have even suggested to my husband that he go see his Mom and ask her
    why she left.  I thought that might ease his mind and make him feel
    better.  But he wants nothing to do with her.  His oldest brother does
    correspond with her and when she sent us a wedding card, my husband
    tore it up and threw it in the trash.  She had signed it (get this )
    your biological Mother, Barbara.  Blew my mind!
    
    Maybe that will give alittle insight from the childs point of view.
    
    Kathy

	In addition to the advice already given you, I'd suggest
	seeing an attorney who specializes in family law issues.  In
	the event that the mother changes her mind there may be some
	issues around custody, support payments, and many other
	issues.  Do not assume that the mother will not have a change
	of heart.  At least know what your rights are.

	Clay

    If you are truly concerned for the child's long term welfare, I second
    .4's advice: consult an attorney.  Make your son sole custodian, or
    legally adopt the child yourselves if that is what you want.  
    
    My ex sister-in-law was ready to "abandon" her three year old daughter
    some years ago, to the foster care system.  My family was absolutely
    stunned by the notion that anone could do such a thing.  So my older
    sister agreed to take her on the condition that she and her husband
    could legally adopt her.  They didn't want my sister-in-law returning
    years later trying to get her back.  She agreed to do it, and my niece
    is now 17.  She knows her biological mother, they have visited and
    spent time together, but she knows where she "belongs", who her family
    is, her brother and sister (really cousins).
    
    That baby needs a lot of love.  Please give it to her.  8-)
    

    I have to agree with .4's advice to have your son talk to an attorney.
    
    This happend with my brother and his wife and the kids got stuck in a
    foster home until my brother could prove to DSS that he was fit to care
    for his kids (1 boy and 1 girl).  He proved his case in court and got
    his kids they know live in the low income houseing here in Maynard.  He
    goes back to court in this month to see if they will grant him full
    custody of the kids.  His DSS Social worker thinks that he will have no
    problem in getting full custody of them with her recomendation and the
    profe that the kids are well fed, kept clean and attend school.
    
    So if you don't want your granddaughter to end up in a foster home
    please have your son talk to an attorney and become sole custodian or
    have you and your husband made legal gaurdians of her.
    
    
    hope everything works out for you all.
    
    Liz

    Another point that occurred to me as I was driving home last
    night:  while it's tempting to blame every problem on the baby's
    emotional stress, it's also true that a lot of 6-month-olds go
    through bouts of sleep problems.  You might also check in the
    "sleep problems" note to see if anything in there might help your
    granddaughter.
    
    --bonnie

    I'm sorry to hear this sad story.  This is exactly what happened to my
    brother, John.  John's wife had two daughters by a previous husband. 
    John raised them.  The older daughter, Kim, had a daughter at 17.  She
    married the baby's father after the baby's birth, but they split up and
    Kim left town without her baby.
    
    The baby and her father were living with John and his wife.  The baby's
    father (joined by John and wife) had a hard custody battle when Kim
    changed her mind.  The father won, and the baby was kept in a stable
    environment.  Now Kim has returned to town and may want custody again. 
    The whole $%^* issue may go back to court, at great expense.  Meanwhile
    the baby and father have moved in with HIS new girlfriend.  That ppor
    kid is being shifted hither and yon.  At least her daycare is stable.
    Miraculously, she is developing very nicely in every way.  
    
    John and his wife frequently read her the Dr. Seuss book, Horton
    Hatches an Egg, about a mother who leaves her egg to another.  I don't
    know if this helped or hurt.  It seemed kind of negative about the
    baby's mother, but on the other hand it helped explain.  You
    might take a look at this book.
    
    I wish the basenoter and family good luck.  It is a tough row to hoe. 
    But it doesn't mean the child will grow up hopelessly scarred.  If she
    knows she is wanted by SOMEBODY, and some stability is maintained, she
    may turn out fine, as my step-grand-niece seems to be doing.
    
    Laura 

    Don't walk, RUN to an attorney and get help.  A friend of mine had his
    wife leave when their daughter was 2.  She didn't pay a penny to her
    daughters support and had visitation.  He had full custody.  Ten years
    later she decides she wants her daughter back and kidnaps her.  Messy
    court battle.  It's a shame, a woman can be a piece a trash and is
    assumed a better parent than a man who could be a saint.  He has to
    "prove" himself.
    
    Mike 

Jim and his younger brother spent several years with their maternal grandparents
in Utah (around grades 1-4, and other years, too ... I think ...), 
before rejoining his mother and step-Dad on the East Coast.  His Dad was 
an Air-Force pilot and did keep in touch and visited them often (as well 
as some visits from his mother and step-Dad).  I'm sure this was not easy on 
the kids!, but some good did come out of it ...  Jim always had a special part 
of his heart for Grandma and Grandpa ... and I did, too (they were real gems!).  
It bonded Jim and Kevin very tightly ... they would do anything for each other 
... they will also contact each other FIRST when they need a friend or a 
shoulder to cry on.  My sister and I are very close, but I've never seen
a sibling as closely bonded as Jim and Kevin are!

The divorce was hard on the boys ... but their step-Dad is a Dad to them in
every way  (but no one will ever understand why those years of separation
occurred ... but with time and love you try to put it behind you).  Yes, it
did cause problems for the boys, but I believe they are fairly adjusted and
balanced today despite it all.

Jim/I/Juli love ALL our parents.  What happened is in the past.  We may not
understand it, we may NEVER understand it, but we don't let it consume us
with hate and anger.  We love them all EQUALLY and stay in contact with ALL
of them.

I never knew pain until the day we buried Grandpa ... only a year and a half
later to bury Grandma (a senseless, unnecessary murder).

If we have any rights to hate and be angry, it's towards the person who
murdered Grandma ... and I can honestly say, Jim/I still do NOT HATE!

So please use love, compassion and understanding to get you through these
difficult times ... and always remember, someday your granddaughter is going
to love you more than ANYONE in the whole wide world!  It will be YOU she
turns to during her lifetime.  Just fill her pain (and your son's) with
love ... that's all you can do right now.

Dottie

    Thanks for all your responses.  Have definitely taken the legal
    route already.  We are flooding this little beautiful girl with
    all the love and understanding that we have inside of us all. I
    have 5 children that all seem to be coming to this little girls
    rescue (so to speak) showing alot of attention, etc.
    
    Thanks again.
    
    GJH

    Another point as well, is that her mother is financially responsible
    for child-support payments.  The same as if HE had run out, it's still
    her kid, she still has to pay to help raise her.
    
    Good luck with everything.  Fortunately she is young enough that she
    probably won't have to deal with the "I must've done something wrong"
    when she gets older.  It stuns me that someone could leave their
    children - and that it seems so common!!