Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Cathy,  When my son Alexander was born 17 months ago we had this
    similar problem.  My mom and my husbands Grandmother offered to watch
    Alex for us at no cost.  But becasue of the same reasons that you are
    wondering about we did not choose to do so.  They both had different
    ways of birnging up a child and my husbands gandmother would spoil Alex
    rotten to the point that he would not mind us.  so we went with a home
    daycare provider who is excellent, but becasue of money problems we had
    to swith and have found on that is just as good as the last one.  So if
    I were you I would put my child in a daycare with other kids and not
    with a relative unless they have children or is a daycare person.  This
    is just my own experience you don't have to do as I say.  Go with what
    you feel is best for your daughter.
    
    
    Liz

    
    I personally wouldn't worry about your child confusing mommy with
    grandma...they just seem to KNOW who their mom is.  Also, I would
    consider myself lucky to have "grandma" babysit for my child for
    at least the 9months-a year.   I don't think that spoiling and 
    discipline are a big issue until around 9 months.   I'd consider
    moving the child to a different environment (maybe with another
    child or two) around that age.
    
    Carol

    When I returned to work, Peter stayed with Nana.  This was the best
    thing for him and me.  My mom and I never conflicted about Peter's
    upbringing.  She took care of him from infancy to about 2 1/2 years.  
    
    I'm not sure a child of this age can REALLY be spoiled.  All the need
    is food, naps, someone to talk to and lots of hugs and love.  When he
    turned 2 1/2 I began to feel he needed to develop socially and
    carefully choose a school-type daycare for him.  
    
    Peter is now 5 years old and he and nana share a special 
    grandparent/grandchild relationship today. 
    One I wish I had growing up.  He was never confused about who was who. 
    There were times when I wished my mom would butt-out, but 99.9% of the
    time, I was so thankful she was there for the both of us.  If I could
    not be there to take care of him, who else would care about him as much
    as me?  
    
    If I could do it again, I would leave him with her in a second.  
    
    Linda
    
    BTW: I did pay her.  Raising kids, even you own, is one of the hardest
    jobs and should be rewarded as such.
    

    Works for us, too. Agree wholeheartedly with .3. The extended family
    is important to us. We have moments when we disagree but never over
    truly significant issues. Our son now goes two days to a day care
    so he can have contact with other kids (he's 2 yrs 9 mos) and spends
    the other 3 with my mother. It works well for all of us. (We also
    pay her. I've never considered otherwise.)
    
    Jamie
     

    I now have a new son, Evan.  We have since moved and he is in day care. 
    He is just about 3 months now and my heart breaks to leave him there.
    He is one of 5 other infants.  The teachers try to spread their
    time and love, but with 5 infants it's difficult to do.  
    
    I feel Evan is just part of an assembly line...feed him, burp him,
    change him, put him down...Next.
    
    The teachers try and make me feel comfortable, but I know when I leave,
    he is probably just another kid to them.  
    
    See, the family bond is missing.  I feel no stranger (non-family
    memeber) will see Evan the way I do.  He is really not that significant
    to them.  I don't care what type of day care they are in (home or
    school).  They will tell you what YOU want to hear and then take your
    check.
    
    I know you are not supposed to wish your kids away, but I wish he was
    older and more independent so I would not feel this way.
    
    But having gone both routes, I feel Peter benefited more by having that
    special one-on-one care that NO day care provider can give.  It's a
    business for them.
    
    Linda  
    

    
    re. .5
    
    I feel that you haven't found the right daycare environment.
    I personally would not put an infant in a center. Family 
    daycare is preferred at infancy. I have dealt with 3 family
    daycare providers and they all loved my kids wholeheartly.
    My kids were always the only infant at the family daycare.
    
    Please don't be discouraged and maybe you will be more at ease
    with a better daycare.
    
    I love my mother dearly. But, there is no way I will have her
    mind my kids everyday. The same with any relatives. My husband
    and I have certain rules/beliefs/values and we don't want to
    be judged by any relatives. So there...
    
    
    Eva

    I totally agree with .3 and .4, I also leave both of my children with
    my parents.  Sometimes we disagree, but I would much rather have my own
    parents watching my children than anyone else.  My oldest (2 years and
    2 months) just started going to a daycare two afternoons a week for
    only two hours.  This gives my mom a break.
    
    I also don't think that the children will get confused over who is mom
    and who is grandma, or that they can get too spoiled.  My daughters
    know when I mean business and they know when their grandparents mean
    business. 
    
    In my opinion, you are very fortunate if you have the opportunity to
    leave your child(ren) with your in-laws or mother for even a day or two
    a week.  There is something special that develops between them.
    
    

I agree that home daycare is probably most beneficial the first year.  Once 
they become "young" toddlers, they benefit SO MUCH MORE from interacting
with other children, having varied activities (both indoor and outdoor)
available to them, and the learning challenges that many daycare centers
provide.

Keeping in mind that parents, kids, daycare centers and instructors VARY!

Jim/I were fortunate that we could (and did) flex-hours the first year, but
this is very difficult and sacrificing ... you tend to work opposite hours
and sacrifice both private and family time ... but I feel it was most
beneficial to Jim/Juli/me to do this (the first year).

Then Juli went to a home care environment.  Someone we all knew.  The
adjustment was much easier on Juli and our provider's youngest was very
close in age with Juli.  It was convenient, a "little" cheaper than
daycare (with registered daycare, the tax benefit often offsets the
higher cost) and we were all very pleased (well, for a while).  With
time, we realized some things we didn't agree with and when we mentioned
it to our "friend", the problems never got resolved (mostly because her
parenting style didn't see it as a "problem") and the fact that Juli was
bored with the same day-to-day environment, same activities/toys, same
day-to-day playmate ... and Juli just seemed to be getting stagnant,
compounded by Jim/my frustrations and worry about the "problems" that
we didn't think were getting resolved.

So at 18 months of age, we switched Juli into a Learning Center-type
daycare.  She absolutely loves it.  More kids, lots of varied activities,
something new everyday, she loves the kids/instructors and they seem to
like her, she's learning a lot, doing a lot ... and is on a better schedule
for eatting, sleeping, etc.

As for family ... I just love my family (and Jim's family) dearly!, BUT ...
I would not want to impose on them to watch Juli fulltime.  They HAVE
already raised their kids and well-earned their current freedom and
space.  I want my Mom to feel like a GRANDmother, not a MOTHER again.
Believe me, kids are a LOT OF WORK and I wouldn't want to tie my family
down to that fulltime.  My Mom and sister are more than happy to take
Juli on any day that there's a problem (illness, holiday, etc.), however,
Jim/I do not impose.  Sometimes they'll call and "want" Juli for the day
and that is great, but we try NOT to ask ... and besides, Juli is doing
great in the Learning Center and I'm sure she looks forward to the kids
and activities that it offers.

Please, don't get me wrong ... I know some extended-family arrangements
work out very well ... and it sure is a lot cheaper ... but Jim/I knew
we would not want to see it as an option.  Had nothing to do with
"how it might affect my kid's beliefs and environment".

Bottom line:  Every kid, every parent, every family, every daycare is
              different ... and what works today MAY NOT work tomorrow,
              too!  (kids do change, not to mention daycare, family....)

I wish I had a nickle for every time someone has said "I found the
absolutely BEST provider ..." ... only to say months later "I had to
change and I found yet a BETTER provider ..."!!!  We, too, got very
comfortable with our homecare provider, thought it was absolutely the
answer to everything, only to discover "with time and changes" that
a change might even improve things more.

Good luck ... 
Dottie

    I am reading Burton White's book "The First Three Years" and
    he maintains that the most important need of the child under
    2 years old is the forming of close emotional bonds. As he puts
    it, the best thing for a child this age is to spend most of her
    time with someone who thinks she's "the cat's miaow." He points out
    that parents and grandparents fit that bill very well. I have also
    been reading Penelope Leach and Dr. Spock and they don't recommend
    institutional daycare for infants either. Leach says the best you
    can hope for from daycare is a neutral effect (the distinction is
    institutional daycare, I don't believe they are talking about
    home care). 
    
    Alice

                                                  
    My mom has been taking care of my children since Jessica was 3 1/2
    months old (she's 4 now) and Billy since 5 months old (he's 2 now).
    We have always paid her and would not consider otherwise.
    
    The only way I would be happier is if I was home taking care of them
    myself (I will in August but that's a long story for another note to
    come soon).  BUT, and it's a very large BUT, I have to say it all
    depends a couple factors: 1) I have a great relationship with my
    Mom, 2) Mom is in generally good health and able to keep up with the
    two toddlers, and 3) Her house is perfect for growing kids and near
    enough (20 minutes) to our home to make it convenient.
    
    
    RE: Confusion between Mommy and Nana
    
    None at all.  Nana is Nana and in charge at her house.  Mommy is Mommy
    and in charge otherwise.  Occasionally, Jessica will call me Nana, but
    then catch herself, give a little apologetic smile, and say Mommy.
    
    RE: Exposure to other children
    
    Nana takes them to the playground 3 blocks from her house in 
    good weather.  There is a 'regular' group of kids who will show up
    and mostly play together and/or side-by-side.  Since September, 
    Jessica has also been in a 2X week, half-day preschool for more
    structured play.  In the past 2-3 months, they've also really started
    playing games together.   This past winter, the 3 of them started going
    to the weekly public library story time.
    
    RE: Working out problems
    
    We haven't had big problems because we basically agreed on most child
    rearing items to begin with.  Sure the kids are a bit more spoiled
    cause it's Nana, but it's more spread out.  My in-laws see the children
    on average 1-2 times a month and try to get in more concentrated
    spoiling which can cause more problems, in my view.  We haven't had
    any serious problems that we couldn't tactfully talk about and work
    out.
    
    When we first talked with my mother about watching Jessica, it was
    my father who was worried about destroying the grandparent-grandchild
    relationship by making it 5 days/week and paying for it.  Only after
    2 years, and right before he died, did he finally admit to me what a 
    special relationship my Mom and the kids have. 
    
    
    So that's what works for us.  Like I said, it all depends on the
    whole situation and is different for everyone.  Like any day care,
    find what you feels right for you and your children.
    
    Donna
    

    If daycare is an option (or may be the ONLY option for you) I'd be
    happy to put in a plug for daycare CENTER.  I've had both of mine in a
    center since 8 weeks old and love it.
    
    I feel about as strongly AGAINST home daycare, and more so AGAINST
    nanny, but that's another topic, and a heated one I'm sure.
    
    Kati is now 2+ and absolutely adores her teachers.  When she enters the
    center she runs up and hugs "Miss Janet" (her teacher from infant
    room), and then goes in to say hi to "Miss Coco" (her teacher from
    12-24 month room), and talks about "Miss Kathy" (current teacher) all
    the time - especially at bedtime prayers.  All of the teachers from
    every room - even ones she has never been in - know her and know lots
    of things ABOUT her.  They all know about her baby sister now, too.
    
    Three of her teachers are my regular babysitters and she goes nuts when
    they ring the doorbell.  Kimmi Jo is fast becomming a regular member of
    the family too.  The teachers always remember special occasions, give
    Kati birthday presents, throw a party for her, and keep up with things
    in her life outside of daycare too.
    
    Even though she spends 11 hours per day there, there is no mistake
    about who is "mommy."  Part of this is because she is cared for by
    multiple people, but I still feel there would be no mistake.  I think
    that in 6 months you'll look back at this note and laugh that you even
    worried about it!  (we all do, though)
    
    Kristen

    re. - a few .... I agree you haven't found the RIGHT place for your
    baby yet.  We went through about 6-7 home daycares before we finally
    happened upon our current babysitter.  And she is **PERFECT**!!  We've
    been there for 2+ years, and have never had any type of problems with
    her.  I believe what is so SIGNIFICANTLY different with Debra, that
    wasn't the same with the previous sitters, is that she and I have VERY
    similar parenting styles.  We have the same sense of what's RIGHT,
    what's WRONG, and what to DO about it.  The kids then end up with VERY
    consistent rules between daycare and home.
    
    They're there less than 8 hours/day, so there's never been any
    confusion about Mom and Debra.  
    
    My mother and I have a very rocky relationship, at best, so would never
    dream of asking her, and my mother-in-law isn't interested in being any
    more than GRANDmother to the boys (not that I blame her!!  She already
    raised 5).
    
    One thing that I much prefer about a home setting than a Center is that
    having ONE person responsible for your children, and you know on a
    regluar basis whether or not the care, morals and discipline that your 
    child is receiving, is about the same as what YOU'D like your child to
    receive.  With the possibility of 2-6 people watching your child, I
    don't think you get that in a center.
    
    Also, at the sitters, there are plenty of other kids there for my kids
    to play with, so it's not a concern.
    
    If you're looking for someone, try 'interviewing' them by SITUATION,
    not whether or not they have a high-chair.  You know, "If Johnny threw
    a rock through the window, what would you do?" or  "How would you react
    if he was cranky all day"  or things like that that would help you to
    understand the caretakers personality a little better.  You DON'T want
    someone who's going to allow a lot more than you would - "Oh, we LET
    them color on the walls -- they're just CHILDREN!" (argh!) (-:
    
    GOOD LUCK!!  
    
    Patty

    
    Dear Basenoter,
    
    I admit to being the daughter of Super Grandma and Grandpa.  I am the
    mother of their fourth and fifth grandchildren.  They have watched all
    5 grandchildren for my sister, brother and I.  I consider them quite
    professional.  Although they accept money for daycare, it ends up in
    bonds or bank accounts for the kids.
    
    Pros
    -----
    
    - Very comfortable leaving the kids with them.  
    
    - Willing to take the kids when sick.  My conscience is my guide on
      this one!
    
    - Kids get all kinds of benefits not normally provided by regular
      daycare, transportation to baseball, karate, Indian guides, Pre-
      school, gymnastics, swimming lessons.
    
    - My kids have NEVER cried when I've left them for work.
    
    - More love [and hugs and kisses] than any baby could want.
    
    
    CONS
    ----
    
    - I guess like most daycare, YOUR relationship with the daycare
      providers can greatly affect whether you feel comfortable
      leaving your child there.  My sister and brother have had their
      "rocky" periods with my folks, [just like when we were younger]
      their kids end up suffering too.  "Do I get to see Grams and Gramps
      today?" "NO!"
    
    - Like Bill Cosby said "This is not the same man who raised me" . 
      Grandpa likes to arrange "field trips" to Toys R Us.  We prefer
      the park........like he used to
    
    - Imagine talking to your mother every morning and getting to work on
      time. "I have to tell you about Aunt May's surgery...."
    
    - Their opinions do surface, "Does he have to go back to THAT school
      next year?"
    
    My six year old son has been with them since he was 9 weeks old.  They
    are truly his other parents.  When he's around all of us, their used
    to be some confusion about who to mind. It wasn't difficult to set him
    straight.
    
    My daughter [11 months] is going through the separation anxiety
    phase.  Luckily, Grandma and Grandpa are acceptable, unlike the
    rest of the entire world.
    
    I still feel guilty about leaving my kids for 11 hours a day. Not
    because the kids were deprived, but that someone else was raising
    them.  I've adjusted my schedule so that I'm at home more. Not for
    my kids, but for me!
    
    Rochelle
    
    

RE: basenoter

Don't worry.  Babies know who their parents are.  They're the ones stumbling
around in the middle of the night :-).  Seriously, I used to worry about this
too; I counted the number of hours Elise was with me and away from me.  And
she knows who her Mommy is.  The daycare people swear I get a special "Mommy"
smile...


RE:  .5

I think Elise is in the same daycare center as Evan.  If it helps, when I have
stopped over to visit, once he was asleep and the other two times he was
playing happily on someone lap.

I felt the same as you did at first, but as they got to know Elise, some
genuine attachments have formed.  The telling thing for me is when I stop the
car in the morning and open her door, she looks up with a big smile, wiggling
with excitement.  I believe she enjoys her time there...

    	My mom, my husband, and I all go to considerable inconvenience
    to have Marissa looked after in our home by her grandma.  Mom is
    widowed, and lives in  Maine, and we live in Massachusetts.  And, she 
    doesn't drive.  But she makes the 120 mile trek (half of it by bus, and 
    we pick her up halfway) on Sunday evening, and back to Maine on Friday 
    evening, just to take care of our (almost) 15-month old.
    
    	We do pay her.
    
    	No problem with confusion as to who mama is! 
    
    	I read a lot of books and articles while trying to decide on whether 
    this was the right choice, and Burton White's (as mentioned in note .9) 
    very strong opinions helped me make my choice. 
    
    	I can't say my relationship with my mother has always been stress-
    free.  But we are both very dedicated to what's best for Marissa and
    when we have conflicts, we try to discuss them from that perspective. 
    I try to give her a lot of slack in making day-to-day decisions but do 
    make a lot of suggestions. 
    
    	When I went back to work, and she came to take care of Marissa (at
    about 6 months), the guidelines I had were:
    
    		I want her to be outside as much of the time as possible.
    		I don't want her to see any T.V.   I want her to look
    		at books as soon as she is interested, and to listen
    		to good music on radio or tapes.  I want her to see the
    		other kids in the neighborhood. 
    
    	Spending time with grandma, mom, and baby together helps a lot, so
    that grandma understands your preferences and so you can compliment grandma
    on her excellent help and care.  And helps baby understand YOU like 
    grandma too which should help her feel more secure and trusting.
    
    	Good luck to the basenoter: and do take a look at "The First Three 
    Years" if you get the chance for his opinions. 

I too have recently returned back to work and have my mom watching Mackenzie (6 months old).
I was real worried that my baby would not know who *mom* was as my mother is actually living
with us now. Early on I noticed that Mackenzie would look to my mom for approval when she did
something in hte evenings and on weekends even though I was there. This brought panic to me
and lots of fear. My mom and I have discussed it and now the arrangement is that Grandma
does little to no baby tending in the evenings or weekends. (My mom is great - she becomes
real scarce at those times unless we request her help)

I too can't think of anyone else I would trust or love to be/play/work with my baby while
I am at work all day and I am trying to olisten to everyone and belive that "babies always
know their moms".

I am happy for Mackenzie that she will have a special relationship with her nana that not all
kids get to have. 

Dena