Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Have you thought about going to EAP? I would think that the councelors
    there would be trained to know what you can expect when adopting an
    older child. If they don't, I am sure they would be able to direct you
    to the appropriate agency/organization.  Good LUck!
    
    Kathy

>	Wasn't there a notesfile for adoption at one point?
>	I can't seem to find a pointer to it ...

7.1

    Hi Conni,   there are a lot of notes on adoption in the last parenting
    notefile where ever that is today.  also, there is a members-only
    notefile regarding topics of adoption.
    
    there are also a lot of us parents who have taken in children that
    participate in this notefile.
    Taking an older child requires a huge commitment.  It requires a SOLID
    marraige to begin with.  If you go through DSS in Mass, it will require 
    a lot a patience in the process.   Sometimes I think there is a method
    in their madness.  We were two years in the process before they come
    up with our daughter.  By then we would have taken any child, we did
    not do a close job at looking at the child's history.  What we saw in
    the end was a cute 4 year old blond child with perfect manners.
    Until the 'honeymoon was over'.  about 6 months.  Then the previous 
    four years of abuse came tumbling out.  We've been working with her
    for the next six to help her.
    
    bottom line, if you are ready for the child from hell, who will make
    your life hell, test your marrage, and cost you big bucks, great, go
    for it.  Otherwize, carefully go over each child and understand their
    problems.  Don't assume you have so much love that it can cure any
    problem that the child has suffered.  kids get their programming at
    an earily age.
    just my opinion.
    ed
    

Conni:

Jim/I started the adoption process by first meeting with a coworker and his
wife (who were doing MARES - Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange - 
volunteer work).

We located a sibling group in the MARES book (these books can be found in 
your library!) ... and then contacted the social worker who was assigned
to that sibling group.  We also joined ODS (Open Door Society) and attended
their yearly adoption conference (May of each year -- so you don't have a
lot of time to get registered for this!).  The ODS Conference will provide
you with tons and tons of literature, direction, contacts, other adoptive
parents ... it's a priceless weath of information!

We proceeded with the adoption process (homestudy, training, counselling,
etc) through the PRIVATE agency who sponsored the sibling group we were
interested in.  Although that adoption fell through, we still proceeded with
getting our homestudy, paperwork and approval process completed.

There's a lot of pros/cons between private agencies and DSS.  "Usually" 
once a homestudy and training is completed, it's interchangeable between
agencies and DSS.  Time and cost are the biggest differences.

There are also many different types of adoption:  unidentified, identified,
semi-identified.  These, too, come with many, many pros and cons.

The process is definately not fast, easy or cheap!  Jim's logic was they
make the process so difficult, so expensive and so emotional as a guarantee
that even the worst of worst kid(s) CAN'T POSSIBLY break your spirit!
Unfortunately, disrupted adoptions do occur and occur at a much higher
rate than most people realize.

Jim/I were very lucky to have adopted Julianne at 5 days of age!  It was
a semi-identified adoption, and although there are a lot of emotions AND
RISK involved in this type of adoption, we still would do it all over again
-- except a lot differently the next time (get YOUR very own adoption attorney
and get him involved DURING the negotiations of the adoption -- NOT after
the adoption -- and DON'T EVER place all your faith in just your adoption
agency and social worker! -- they'll even try to tell you an attorney is
the last person you need right now!!!!!!).

We benefited ten times over by getting involved with people who SURVIVED
THE PROCESS.  People who can brace you for the "ride" ahead, people who can 
warn you about the hurdles ... and more importantly, people who have 
survived this emotional and financial roller coaster -- they have the
softest, most compassionate and understanding shoulders to cry on!  And no
matter what time of day it is, their shoulder will be available to you.

If it weren't for Nick Cappello (ISBU, Marlboro), Jim/I would never, ever
have survived!!!  And if I can ever help anyone (like Nick and Jan helped
Jim/I) ... please, please contact me/Jim.
           -----  ------

Dottie:  CALS::JENSEN	   DTN: 297-7204 (before 2:30 pm)
Jim:     DECSIM::JENSEN    DTN: 225-6423

Please, don't ever lose sight of that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Call or write me ANY TIME.
Dottie

PS:  My understanding of the ADOPTION notesfile was that it was keyed more
     towards "open" adoptions -- where support and resources are discussed
     re: biological reunions.  I could be wrong ... or maybe there are
     more than one ADOPTION notesfile ... but as the adoptive parent, this
     was not the type of assistance "I" was (or will be!) pursuing.

    in re .4
    
    The adoption notes file was/is an attempt to create a forum for
    all three sides of the adoption triad, the bio parent, the adoptee
    and the adoptive parent.
    
    The notes, however, tend to come largely from adoptees and bio
    parents. This is not to say that adoptive parents aren't welcome
    there, just that they've not joined and put in their 2 cents.
    
    We have adopted 4 of our five kids, who now range in age from
    21 to 13. The last adoption was of our now 16 year old son, who
    celebrated his 9th anniversary of his 'coming home' yesterday.
    
    While I can't give any advice on the current mechanics of adoption,
    I'd be more than glad to answer questions about my kids growing
    up.
    
    Bonnie

    We've been members for ODS for a couple of years now.  When I called
    the local DSS office I didn't get encouraging news.  They would put us
    on the list (we are now #120) but it would be a while before anyone
    could get to us.  The DSS in Mass has you go through a 10-week
    parenting/adoption seminar which they only run 4 times a year with
    16-people per class.  With the cutbacks in human services that are
    coming (which will reduce the frequency of the classes) they expect it
    to take a couple of years before our name comes up!  And then they said
    it may take another couple of years to get a permanent placement.  We 
    can, of course, go through a private agency, but we've found the fees
    to be exhorbitant.  
    
    I need to vent a little....
    There are so many children out there in need of homes....and sometime I
    think the state *deliberately* tries to make things difficult!  I can
    understand their need to be careful, but come on, these kids shouldn't
    be the ones to suffer.   Phew....
    
    Conni
    

    Can you/have you tried adopting "Out of state"??  Perhaps the red tape
    in NH or Conneticut isn't so bad as in MA?  I don't know if that's
    legal, but I can't see why not ...
    
    

    Conni,  I believe the DSS up front people deliberately discourage
    people to weed out those that are adopting at a whim.
    While we were told the same story, we were in 'the class' in months.
    Some people on that list just won't stick through the process.
    there's a lot of work to do during that waiting period.  I'd suggest
    trying if you are determined to get a child through adoption.
    Keep good records of everything you do.
    ed
    

Conni:

Please don't get discouraged.  Anyone who has pursued adoption will tell 
you this IS the norm!

You might want to think about:
.  selecting a "potential" child from the MARES book and contacting that
   social worker  (some social workers will move interested "potential" 
   adoptive parents "up the list" in an effort to place one of their kids)
.  pursuing an "older" child (over the age of 2!!) is the difference in
   cost of $20,000 -> $200!  (private OR DSS).  So start the process with
   the intention of pursuing "older" kid(s)
.  find agencies which will accept monthly payments (although you'll
   probably have to pay the balance in full at the time of placement)

Anyone who's survived the adoption process will tell you ... it AIN'T EASY!,
but it IS DOABLE.

Just some thoughts, Conni ... if you really want to adopt, you WILL find the
strength, patience and compassion in yourself that you never knew you had,
and the adoption process WILL test it all to its infinite limits!

God Bless.
Dottie

Conni:

By the way ...

Jim/I saw a sibling group of three (ages: 3,4,5) in the MARES book.
Called the social worker, had an appointment within a day or so, was into
training within a week, had a completed homestudy ($400 ?) within
six months  (private agency).

Unfortunately, the three kids were NOT freed up for adoption.  This was
a terrible emotional setback!   I even prematurely quit a job I held
(and loved) for 6 years!  This was the biggest test I had ever faced in
a lifetime.  Jim was ready to pursue another adoption several months later,
I didn't think I ever could again in a lifetime.  Jim was very loving,
understanding and patient - and stepped back and gave me the time and
space to heal.

A year later, DSS contacted us for two sisters, 5 and 6.  Several
weeks later a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a... called and said
she knew someone (in the grapevine) who wanted to give up her baby
(due in 7 more months).  We said "please, we couldn't handle another
setback, please call us in 5 months when we KNOW the mother still wants to
give up her baby".  Jim/I put the "newborn" out of our minds (we had to!)
and started looking into the backgrounds of the two girls.

Five months later, Jim (and a friend) flew to Wisconsin (in Jim's plane) 
to attend an airshow.  They hit bad weather and made an "unplanned stop".  
That evening I got a call that the mother was now 7 months along 
and NEEDED an answer NOW -- did we want the baby? I couldn't reach 
Jim (didn't even know where he was!).  Oh how my heart ached, I could 
NEVER survive another setback ... what if the mother changes her 
mind when she gives birth?!!

Finally, Jim called me.  I cried and cried ... my heart JUST couldn't 
take the chance.  Jim said "I understand".  That night I didn't sleep.  
I called him at 3 am and said "Hon, I want this baby SO BAD and I am 
so scared!"  He said "me, too ... but I'm willing to take any chances
and any risks for this baby ... I don't even care if he/she is yellow,
black or white ... tall or short ... big or small ... I just know if we
do get the baby, I'll just love it forever ...".  That morning, I
called our friend and told her to pass along the name of our social
worker and agency -- everything would be done "unidentified and
strictly by the books"!

The agency started the process and then Jim's grandfather (who raised
him as a "child") passed away.  We flew to Utah for several weeks.  The
mother started pre-mature labor.  We borrowed a crib, never got to paint
the baby's room and bought some bottles, diapers and tshirts (we did
not want a shower until we KNEW the baby was ours ...) and Juli was born
three weeks early (Labor Day weekend).  Grandma always said Juli was her
remembrance of Grandpa ... a shining star born right after his death.
(Grandma was murdered two months ago!).

The adoption was not EASY ... we still had a mountain to climb.  The
mountain was high with many challenges.  Yes, we stumbled.  Yes, we made
some mistakes ... but we did get Julianne on the fifth day after her
birth and her adoption was "legally LOCK-TIGHT" and "by the books".
Even today, 19 months later, we are still facing the hurdles that come
with a semi-identified adoption (biological mother has activated the
grapevine and now knows who we are and where we live ... in fact, upon her
recent return "from duty" in Saudi, she observed Jim/Juli from 
within 50' of our home).

You learn the difference between "annoyance" and "tragedy".  The BM
(bio-mother) is an annoyance ... not a tradegy.  A tradegy would be if 
Juli had not joined our lives ... or would not be with us today.  We
know we have a good, solid, legal adoption ... and that gives us the
strength to jump just about any hurdle facing us ... life could be
a lot more testing, a lot more cruel, an awful lot more UNfair... 
a lot more tragic!

So, Conni, the drift of this (sorry it's so long) is that ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING went as planned!!  We entered the adoption process worrying
about the $$'s, too.  And the final bill was nothing like WE expected
($4500, plus mother's medicals -- same private agency) ... but WE
SURVIVED and that's all that matters!

The love your child brings into your heart will give you all the 
strength, patience and love necessary to survive ANY test!  Just stay
focused on that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!!!  And don't let
the turkeys get you down!!!

God Bless.
Dottie

PS:  I can't stress enough the importance of getting involved with people
     who have survived the adoption process.  Every adoption is DIFFERENT!
     Everyone has a different set of resources and a different set of
     hurdles they have already jumped (which you might be able to avoid
     with prior warning).  Again, good luck and God Bless.

    Thanks folks, I am feeling a little less stressed, but it's still
    tough.  We have found a beautiful little boy in the MARE book, he's
    about 8 years old and legally free.  I've been trying to reach his
    social worker since last week, but she's not in the office much.
    Since we may end up with a private agency, we haven't had the home
    study started yet - in case one doesn't accept a study done by another
    agency.
    
    I'm also keeping a log of all the calls I make, who I talk to, and
    what was discussed so I can keep track of what's going on.  I know
    the state was probably trying to discourage us - trying to weed out
    the field - but when you're on the receiving end it can sound a 
    little callous and hard.   
    
    As a matter of fact, I think I'll try the social worker again....
    
    Conni