Conference moira::parenting_v3

    I had it easy as a teenager, my parents were strict BUT leanient (sp?). 
    I had 2 older brothers to break the ice for me....
    
    anyway, when it came time for dating, my folks let me go on dates like
    to movies, to a school dance etc (ecsourted by a parent of course) when
    I was in Junior high, then once I hit High School (I was 13yrs old
    going on 14, my freshman year), they let me go on car dates as long as
    they met the young man first, and I had a curfew of 11:00 or midnight
    (I can't seem to remember), but if for ANY reason I was going to be
    late, I had to call and let them know, 'ABSOLUTELY, NO EXCUSES' or I'd
    be punsihed for coming home late w/out calling!  I thought that was a
    good deal and I rarely abused the privelidge.  I didn't get asked out
    on too many dates w/boys that had their drivers license(s) anyway,
    until I was that age myself, but it was good to know that if I did get
    asked out by an older boy (one who had his license already) that I
    could go and not have to worry about sneaking out or making up an
    excuse like I'm going w/my girlfriends etc.  
    
    Good luck making your decision....
    Mel

    My parents wouldn't let me date until I was 16.  However, I could go to
    mixed parties at my friends' houses, or to movies in large groups
    before then.  And I could only see my boyfriend on Wednesdays and
    week-ends (I didn't live in the same town or go to the same school as
    my first boyfriend).  As I recall, my curfew on Wednesdays and Sundays
    (school nights) was 9:00, and my curfew on the weekends was 11:00,
    unless it was to the prom or a formal dance.  And curfew meant I had to
    be home, and he had to be gone.  I tried pushing that limit once, but
    wasn't very successful and never bothered trying again.
    
    It wasn't until I reached college and wasn't living at home that I
    could stay out later.  My folks gave me similar curfews when I was home
    on the weekends, but I certainly don't think I'm any the worse for it. 
    I'm sure I'll have very similar rules for my children when they are
    older.

My parents wouldn't let me "car" date until I was 16, but by the time
I was 16 it was the summer before my senior year...so I'd sneak out!

We all learn from mistakes our own parents make, so when my daughter
started being interested in boys, I wanted to be "fair."  Through
freshman year in high school, dates were typically school dances or
going to the movies or a party -- and a parent drove.  (Fortunately,
she only dated boys her own age, so going on a date in a boy's car 
didn't happen until she was 16 and mid-way through sophomore year.)

Dating was never allowed on school nights.  On weekends, the typical
curfew was 11:00 unless there was a special event.  The rule was always
"call if you're going to be late."  By senior year, we realized we had
to be more flexible.  (After all, she was going away to college soon, 
where there's be NO curfews.)  I'd ask, "when do you think you'll be
home."  She was usually reasonable; if I felt it was too late, we'd 
talk about it.  That way, if she said she'd be home by 12:00, that was
her curfew.  This system did work very well for us.

She's a sophomore in college now, and hasn't felt the need to "rebel
against her parents' domination," which happens all too often when
kids leave a too-strict home.

My advice in summary: be fair and be flexible.

    I guess, because I didn't really worry about Lolita's dating, she and I
    just sort of slid into it easily.  She ran with a batch of kids in the
    neighborhood from 10 on of both sexes in a friendship fashion.  When
    she hit 14, they started going out together in groups to movies, sports
    events, etc, this with parental driving to and from.  
    
    Once she became a sophmore, she was starting to go to dances, and about
    half the young men drove.  Rule #1, I meet any new person who is
    driving for the first time, and go with my impressions.  I also have
    encouraged her to be honest, and have fostered a trusting relationship
    by not having fits, or absolutes until we hear each other out.  She has
    never given me a reason not to trust her because , as she said, I trust
    her, her judgment with young men, and her judgement period.  She will
    be 17 the end of this month.
    
    Her curfew is 9:30 on week days and 12:30 on week ends unless there is
    a special function, or she calls.  She and I have a SADD contract
    (students against drunk driving) that she will not ride in a car if the
    driver has indulged in any mind altering substance.  She also said she
    isn't interested in dating any one that irresponsible as to drive
    loaded or to be loaded around her.
    
    Meg

I don't have teenagers yet, but can tell you what my family did.

I am an only child.  When I was in high school, my mother was the Girl's
Vice Principal of the same high school!  Needless to say, my mother had seen
a lot of what worked and what didn't, and I found out later that my friends
parents often deferred to her as to what the rules might be for an unusual
situation. :-)

I started dating when I was 12.  Most people think that is very young, but 
it depends on the child and who she is going out with and *what* they are 
doing.  The boy that asked me out was also 12.  We went to movies (often
religious ones, which bored me to tears) and to high school plays (his 
brother and my mother taught at the same high school at that time).  His
father would drive us.  It was all very innocent, and he never so much as
tried to hold my hand until 3 *years* later (too late for me, I had another
boyfriend by that time).

When I really got into dating was when I was 15, and even then it was mostly
group stuff - high school basketball games then pizza afterwards, movies then
pizza afterwards, football games then pizza afterwards.  :-)  Either a parent
drove or else we walked (2-3 miles to home).  I don't remember my curfew 
exactly, but I think it was around 11:00 for a normal night.  If a game
went into overtime or something, then my mother might allow me to stretch it
(she was often at the game, but working, *not* with *us*), but I had the same
rule that everyone else has mentioned: if I was going to be late, I *had* to
call and tell them.  My mother never gave me a hard time on the phone, and 
usually if I was late it was because someone's parent forgot to pick us up.

I wasn't allowed to have a "car date" until I knew how to drive (but I didn't
even know that until I *could* drive, because no guy who could drive had yet
asked me out).

When I was older, maybe 16 or 16 1/2, my mother extended my time out to 
midnight (this was weekends, it was much earlier for school nights).  When
I was about 17 she changed it to 1:00 (I was *appalled*; I had not asked
for that extra time, and I liked having an excuse to get home sometimes!). ;-)
When I was about 17 1/2 my mother dropped *all* curfews.  Again, I was stunned,
but she said that I would soon be 18 anyway, and free to do what I wanted,
and if they hadn't taught me right by now, then it was too late anyway,
or something to that effect.

Well, I don't know if it was my mother, or the rules, or just my personality,
but I never did drugs, got drunk (or even drank at all at parties), or did
any of the things that parents worry about.  We girls ran things, and didn't
approve of such things, so the boys didn't do it around us, either.

I imagine that I will emulate much of my mother's parenting style in this
regard.
          Carol

    I have to agree with .3.  I don't have any teenagers yet, so I can only 
    speak as a former teenager myself but...

    My parents never imposed a "curfew".  They asked that if I planned to
    stay out past 11:00, that I call them and tell them where I was.  As a
    result, I felt very responsible for my own actions.  And, like .3, I
    never felt a need to rebel or go wild once I was out of the house.

    I hope I have the patience to be so flexible and trusting with my own
    daughter when the time comes.

    We have a number of rules with our girls, no dates on school nites
    until second semester senior year. Call if you are going to be late.
    While in jr high/high school no dating anyone more than two years
    older. This meant no car dates until over 15. Right now our oldest girl
    has a 1 am weeekend curfew, at 17, and she is quite responsible about it.
    Once she is out of high school I'll do the same thing with her that
    we did with her older brothers, no curfews but want to be told when
    she expects to be in, and to wake us and say she's home when she is in.
    
    Bonnie

    
    I'm an only child, and by the time I was a teenager (age 13), my
    parents were divorced--and I lived with my mother.
    
    I don't remember ever having a curfew or, any restrictions involving
    who to date, when, where, how, etc.  I went on group dates, single
    dates, etc.  By the time I was in 9th grade, I had an ankle bracelet
    from my steady boyfriend at the time.  My mother didn't even flinch.  I
    hope I can be as casual about these things when my daughter gets older.
    
    I remember most of the kids in my class doing the same things I was
    doing--only they were lying to their parents about it.  Most of the
    kids in my class would hang out at my house--because they felt they
    could talk to my mom about their problems--everyone except me of
    course.  I didn't feel like I could talk to my mom about my problems
    until I was well into my 20's!
    
    Anyway, I do remember coming home at least once at around 3am--but when
    I got in and found my mother asleep on the couch--the novelty of
    rebellion quicky disappeared!  I rarely came home after midnight during
    my entire teenage years (mainly because I've always needed my sleep!)
    and rarely went out on school nights--too tired!
    
    I wasn't into booze or drugs--I hung out with a crowd of kids who were
    totally anti-drug.  We did go to rock concerts a lot and the boys had
    real long hair, but that was about the extent of it.
    
    I'm eternally grateful to my mom for being so easy-going around
    curfews, rules, etc.  It made my teenage years somewhat pleasurable and
    manageable--and when I got to college--I had none of the "rebellion" in
    me that most of my dorm-mates had.  A lot of my friends in college
    really got screwed up on drugs and partying until all hours of the
    night--rebelling against their parents in one way or another.  I NEVER
    felt the need to do that.
    
    However, most of the above people eventually turned out just fine.  One
    of them--the one who was the most "gone" on drugs (was on LSD almost
    constantly) ended up graduating at the top of his class at NYU Law, and
    is now a real hotshot Manhatten criminal lawyer--he's been drug-free
    for many years.
    
    So....
    
    
    

    My son's a senior in high school, so I'm seeing this from the opposite
    side of the fence :-)
    
    If someone else is driving, I want to meet them.  I expect my son
    to go to his date's door and introduce himself to her parents.
    
    He's been "allowed" to date all along - and got invited to the senior
    prom as a freshman!  (She drove, believe it or not.)
    
    Curfews are set based on two criteria, which I discussed with him
    before hand.  One is the number of hours of sleep he needs before
    the hour he has to be up the next morning.  This resulted in a 10:00
    curfew on Saturday nights last summer when he had to be up early for
    his job on Sunday.  The other is that he must be home by 1:00 when
    his license expires at the latest.  *Always* a "call if you will
    be later, your driver is impaired" situation.  The penalty for failing
    to call is worse than the penalty for being late.  And I've spent
    lots of nights sitting home praying that the phone doesn't ring.
     (I view it as being the safety net while he tries his wings - in
    my view, that's what the high school years are all about.)
    
    Hope this helps.  Critical to me have been explaining the logic
    behind my decisions, asking for his input to those rules we must
    have, and respecting his opinion.  Sometimes that has meant saying
    "I'm not sure I agree with this 100%, but we'll try it and see what
    happens.  If I don't like the results, we'll renegotiate."
    
    Alison

    Thanks for all the timely replies.  Guess I'm not as out of step
    as I thought.  We have made some progress at home when my daughter
    brought the subject up to her Dad on Monday.
    
    His first response was, no, you are too young.  But she came back 
    with No is not an acceptable answer any more, only degrees of Yes!
    It will take some negotiating back and forth.  Progress has been
    made, though.  And I appreciate all the honesty in your replies
    as help to me to weigh my ideas about this.
    
    Chris

    Well, for my daughters, I'll be sitting on the couch cleaning my
    shotgun and I'll sit the young fellow down and say "You will have my
    daughter home by 10:30....PLEASE don't make me come looking for you (as
    my neck and eyes twitch erratically and I cock my shotgun)......but 
    seriously folks.  This is a very hard time for a father (I imagine, my
    daughters are not near that stage yet).  I think the preparations for
    dating are done throughout growing up (yes, for both males and
    females).  The rest, I' ll be reading up on in this note as well.
    
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike 

I have to smile at that too Mike ... with 3 daughters (all too young for
the moment to have me worried ... too much) I have joingly threatened to
have an Uzi, a macheti and a rapier in locked mounts on our hallway wall
for any prospective date to see!  Kind of in the style of UNcle Buck!

:-)

Stuart

    I kind of liked Uncle Buck's style.  As I recall the movie (haven't
    seen it for a while), he treated each child on a level necessary
    for the situation.  When the oldest daughter was out of line, he
    complimented her actions with more outrageous actions of his own.
    Real life... I don't think so.  But I got a sense that he had
    genuine feelings for the children and did the best to "guide"
    them.  My kids also enjoyed the antics.
    
    Chris