Conference moira::parenting_v3

    I can't speak from experience, we have 1 child aged 16 mos.
    but I've read several articles recently that suggest a 3 yr.
    age difference is best.  Alittle over 3 yrs. being better
    than alittle under 3 yrs.
    
    I believe there was an article in last month's PARENTS magazine
    on this subject.
    
    Linda

    Our first and second children are 22 mos. apart, and so are our second
    and third children. The third and fourth will be between 25 and 26
    months apart. Yes, this is close. We planned it that way. 
    let me give you some pros and cons...then you weigh them!
    
    PROS:
    kids will develop very close bonds with one another (no, this does not
    mean they won't fight, but the love they show will be just as intense
    as the fighting and squabbling).
    
    Little jealousy on part of older child, as they do not yet feel they
    "own" mom and dad to them selves (we've found this in all cases...right
    now, the older two can't wait for #4!)
    
    You get all the baby stuff over at once. You never get out of the habit
    of carrying a diaper bag and changing diapers.
    
    Kids are each others best friends, and seem to develop closer family
    ties, too.
    
    CONS:
    It's exhausting!
    
    Kids close in age seem to have more sibling rivalry, but as I mentioned
    above, the love is much more intense also, and they will
    defend/comfort/console sister or brother with a will that would surprise
    you! They tend to be both more and less gnerous ("That's *MINE*!!", and
    also "I'll only eat half that cupcake and save the rest for my sister
    cause she's not feeling well today".....actually this is a "pro" as
    much as a "con")
    
    It's hard to believe yu will *ever* be finished changing diapers or
    diaper bags!
    
    You will get little rest for several years. But, they do eventually
    grow up.
    
    
    
    Overall, we considered the "pros" to greatly and vastly outnumber the
    "cons" in their relative importance....*to us*. Everyone is different.
    I think some people would go nuts having two in diapers and 3 kids
    under the age of 4! (i'm not sure we haven't gone nuts!!!!). Now, soon,
    it'll be tow in diapers, again, and 4 under the age of 6!
    
    Talk to people in lots of different situations, don't just rely on what
    the "experts" say. Most "experts" would commit us to the nuthouse for
    choosing to have them so closely spaced, but for us it was just right.
    Good luck on *your* decision! Whatever you choose, ti will almost
    certainly be the right choice for you!
    
    --dave--
    
    
    

    Joanne,
    My mom and I have been discussing this at length, because there 
    was a distance of 6.5 years between my younger brother and myself,
    due to my mother's two intervening miscarriages. It seems, as the 
    previous noter has implied, there is a much greater chance that the
    children will be very close if they are close in age, but the work
    for the parents would be greater. With my brother and myself we
    were not so much kids together as we were older and younger person --
    me being mom's helper. I was old enough to understand that I should
    not be jealous of the attention he got as an infant and was ready to
    help out. However, I cannot say we are the closest of siblings --
    indeed I feel closer to my cousins who lived next door (who were
    1.5 and 5 when I was born, and moved 3000 miles away when I was 4).
    
    Monica

    I echo reply .2 in that having two kids under 4 is work.  Mine are 16
    months apart (2+ and 3+) adn there are times when I would like to show
    each of them the inside of the woodstove up close and personal!!  But,
    for the most part, the age of diapers is soon to be over.  We both look
    forward to watching them grow up together.  Being close in age, they
    will both be relatively compatible in theie interests throughout their
    childhood.  That is not to say that they won't fight... they do a
    pretty good job even now!
    
    We both originally wanted 3 or more, but have decided to let our two
    grow up a bit and then perhaps get involved with the foster parent
    program or adopt an older child.
    
    What you will find is that whatever choice you make will be the right
    one for you.  Some people would say that the author of .2 and I are
    nuts (I don't necessarily disagree, but I'm not in a position to
    judge :^)  
    
    The best way to sum up the experience is to say: enjoy them.  They are
    a precious gift and ones to be enjoyed to the fullest.
    
    Dan

    I have to echo what .2 had to say.  My first and second are one minute
    apart,  my third is 17 months younger, my fourth 3 years younger.  Yes,
    I had three in diapers at once.  Yes, the last few years have been
    hectic to put it nicely.  And expensive.
    
    But my children are quite close, I can honestly say they love each
    other immensely, feel bonded to each other, and are each others best
    friends.  Even the youngest, who is 18 months old now.
    
    And there is something to be said for getting it all "over with" in a
    few years -- the diapers, bottles, baby food, and all the accompaning
    gear that babies require.  Instead of going from one baby, out of it to
    a 4 or 5 year old, then getting back into it again.  I think a lot of
    this decision is also based on your personality too -- and how old you
    are (Mom mostly).  My first were born when I was 33, so my husband and
    I didn't have a lot of time to dawdle about making a decision on the
    next.
    
    One thing that I consider is travelling.  My husband and I really like
    to travel, and having all the kids in a bunch and grwoing up so, makes
    it a little easier to hold out fewer years when travelling involves
    packing portacrib/hichair/diapers/toys/babyfood/three changes of
    clothes per day/etc, etc, etc that comes with Baby.
    
    But things to consider are -- can you afford it?  If you send your
    children to daycare can you afford two, work part-time etc.
    
    Can you stand the steress of two screaming for their dinner, arguing
    over toys, the laundry, less time for yourself, organizing yourself
    over two, the medical bills, getting up at night  when two may be sick,
    and everything else.
    
    I'm  reall happy we had them so close together.  I personally think 3
    years is too far apart.  But then, what else would I say, considering
    my circumstances?  :-}
    
    Best to You, Whatever You Decide!
    

    My two are 26 months apart.  We made our decision based on a lot
    of factors.  My husband was 36 year old, when we had our
    first.   I was 28.  We both feel that we cann't wait too long.
    My first has always been very mature for his age.  Therefore,
    I was confident that he will do fine with the baby.  My first
    was also potty trained at 22 month.  So we only have one
    in diapers.   I am glad that we did it.  My second is 5 month
    old now.  She already sleeps through the night and is on a
    shechdule.  Our life is getting better everyday.
    
    Wendy

    We have a 25 month old and I am due with number 2 in 4 weeks.  Ours
    would have been closer together, but we have a hard time getting
    pregnant.  Our reasons were age (I am 36, Jay is 39), not wanting to
    spread out the number of years that the kids would be in diapers, and
    other reasons similar to those already expressed.
    
    But there is another thing to consider, it is hard physically and
    emotionally to be pregnant with a toddler.  There is no going home at
    the end of a long day and napping or just sitting in front of the TV.
    No matter how bad or tired you feel there is another little person
    who is still very dependent and demanding on you.  I have a wonderful
    husband who certainly does his fair share and who has a terrific
    relationship with our daughter, but when Lexi gets sick or feels a 
    little down in the dumps she wants Mom.  However, after knowing 
    what I know now, I would still choose to have them close together.
    
    Penny
    

    
    I am having mine almost 4 years apart--I would have prefered them to be
    closer in age--but 2 miscarriages prevented that from happening.
    
    What is nice is that my 3 1/12 year old can amuse herself while I'm
    upstairs taking a nap--or trying to get some things ready for the new
    baby.
    
    I don't know how it will be once the baby comes (due in April!)--I'll
    let you know.
    
    However, my husband is the oldest of 3 boys--there is a 2 year
    difference between the middle child and my hubs--and a 6 year
    difference between the youngest and my hubs.
    
    While we are close with the middle brother--we are EXTREMELY close with
    the youngest brother--despite the 6-year age difference. 
    
    So--it depends on the family, the kids, etc.--as usual!
    
    Bonnie
    
    

    I don't believe there is one right answer - a lot of it is what works
    for you and, as other replies pointed out, whether you can afford the
    double daycare etc.  In our case, Ryan will be 3 at the end of July;
    our 2nd is due the beginning of August.  I personally couldn't handle
    the idea of having another while he went through the "troublesome"
    twos. Also to consider are ages - mine isn't a factor yet, but my
    husband is 45 and definitely wants to be done with diapering before
    he's 50! :-)
    

    I have three girls.  Jacqueline will be 6 in June.  Marybeth will be 4
    in April, and Denae will be 2 in May.    It is exhausting to have them
    so close in age.  Mary was one who kept us awake for long periods each
    night until she was 2 1/2 and I had never felt so tired for such a long
    period in my life before. I was also 38 when I had my first.  While Mary 
    is mellow during the day, Jacqueline is high spirited and has always been 
    a challenge.  Denaes personality is somewhere in the middle.
    
    Despite their differences,  I think the closeness in age is a real
    plus.  They all play very well together and take care of each
    other.(especially their dad).   My sense is that to seperate them by
    three years rather than two might leave them with less in common
    however is would provide, for the second, a greater opportunity for
    being independent.
    
    						pt

    
    There is no right answer for all. It depends on your background, finances,
    job situation, age, etc. What is right for someone is not right for
    you. You and your spouse are the only ones that will know the right
    time. I personally think the best is either to have them one after
    another (about 18 mos apart) or have them 3 1/2 yrs or more apart. 
    2-3 years apart, to me, is the worst. I grew up more or less by myself,
    and I love tranquility. Having 2 toddlers in the house would drive
    me cuckoo. So, to each his/her own. You'll know when the right time
    comes.
    
    
    Eva.  

    Keep in mind, that 3 years is nothing when a child grows up.  I am one
    of six siblings.  Here's the difference between us:
    
    John born May 1957
    Judy born July 1958
    Jean born Sept 1959
    Janet born Feb 1961
    Jim born June 1965
    Jill born Aug 1967
    
    And, yes, there is a pattern with the J names.  Three of us even have
    the initials JAB. I sure as h*** wouldn't have wanted to be my
    parents!  It's just a little too much, too soon.
    
    I am particularly close to my sisters Janet and Jean.  Jean and I were
    not close at all growing up and my Mother was upset about that at the
    time.
    
    Do what your instincts tell you, since you know yourself the best.  I
    just put this here to say that a wider span may not mean anything.
    
    judy

    
    I agree with many of the replies so far but with a little different
    twist since I now have two teenagers.  My son is almost 18 years
    old, 2-1/2 years older than his 15 years old sister.  When they
    were young, I had 2 in diapers (cloth ones).  Because of their
    ages, they took their second nap at the same time, and while my
    daughter took her first nap, I gave my attention to my son (I was a
    stay at home Mom for 10 years).   There was some sibling rivaltry,
    but that "private" time helped a lot.  
    
    Yes, there were still times I was exhausted because of the closeness
    of their ages.  But they both napped at least once a day, and I
    sometimes joined them!
    
    As teenagers, they have their good days and less good days.  But, on
    the whole they cooperate and help each other.  Because of the age
    requirement at school, they are 3 years apart.  This becomes especially
    important when looking at college expenses.  There will be one year
    that we will be paying for 2 college tuitions (unless they go to 
    graduate school, and by then they should be helping out with the 
    cost hopefully).  
    
    In my own family, the first three of us are within 3 years of each
    other and are closer than the last 2 kids.  My brother (the youngest)
    is 15 years younger than me (the oldest).  My youngest sister is 9
    years younger than me.  We were raised at literally at different times.
    There is love caring there, but we didn't grow up together or share
    childhood experiences.  I got married and moved away when they were
    6 and 12 years old.  Maybe it would have been different if I lived 
    in the area. 
    
    Chris
    
    

    I don't think there's any right answer to this because everyone is
    different.  My brother is 15 years older than me (it's just the 2 of
    us), and my folks always say that they had 2 only children.  We are
    extremely close, and always have been. I don't ever remember any
    sibling rivalry, and we've never fought about anything.  We think very
    much alike, and always go to the other for advice, or just to talk and
    see what's going on.  I'm not sure that just because children are close
    or far apart in age that that makes any difference in how they get
    along or how close they are.  We all know siblings who are very far apart
    in age like me and my brother and get along very well or not at all. 
    And the same can be said for siblings that are very close in age.  You
    can't predict how their relationships will turn out, though I tend to
    think that a parent can help to foster a close relationship.  At least,
    I think my folks had an active role in encouraging us to be close.
    
    I'd say that you have to look at your own situation to decide what's
    best for you in terms of spacing your children.  I think if I had the
    choice to have more children (I'm expecting twins in July, but these
    are GIFT babies, so there is very little chance that we'll have any
    others), I would want them about 2 years apart so that it would be
    easier for me to handle.

    My cousin's wife had 4, all born exactly a year apart, she said she
    wanted to have all the diapers, colic and childhood diseases over and
    done with at once.  And you know something else, these kids are now
    High School and college age, and couldn't be closer!  They have always
    looked out for each other and it's a real wonderful place to visit. 
    But I still maintain it's because my cousin and his wife are just so
    calm and cool about everything.
    
    From where I stand, if I hadn't miscarried twice it would have been AJ,
    and another when he was 20 months, and another as he turned 3, I'd have
    to have a live in psycaitrist (sp?) to get through 3 that close
    together!  He's the best thing ever to come into my life!
    
    

    I forgot to mention, my husband is one of five, there's 7 years between
    his older (firstborn) sister and he, he's referred to her several times
    as the "family babysitter" which in my opinion seems to be a cruel
    responsibility to place on an older child. and almost ten between he and 
    the youngest (boy).  He's said several times that he really never got to
    know his sister, she was moved out of the house to college and her own
    life before he was old enough to appreciate her.  He's still alientated
    from her.  He became close to h is younger brother as they both grew
    up, especially when his brother found the woman he eventually married,
    and we had our children within months of each other.  
    
    Kind of odd how patterns repeat themselves though, his sister had a
    large family of 4, but she had 2, girls a few years gap and 2 more,
    boys!
    
    Lyn
    

    Good Morning,
    
    What do you feel is a good spacing between children?  My son, Spencer,
    is 14 1/2 months and we are starting to think about having another. 
    What has worked out well in your family, 1, 2, 3, 4 etc. years between
    children.
    
    Thanks,
    Joanne
    

I think this very much depends on the type of people you are.  My husband 
would never have agreed to a second (third for him) if the wait had been too
long because he finds little babies too troublesome.  I had to wait two
years (at least one year to get pregnant again) because the 1st was a 
Caesarian.

My sister had her two 11 years apart and likes it very much.  For them it is 
like having two only children.

Two years apart work out well for us because they are close enough in school
that thier vacations coincide but far enough apart that their not often
involved in exactly the same activity.

My mother had 9 children.  One died at birth.  We were 1.5 to 2 years apart.
I guess if you want that many you kind of have to pack 'em closer together :-)

Some people like to have one out of diapers before the next one comes.  I
didn't worry about this but Dirk was dry about the time Mark was born so it
wasn't a big deal for me.  A new baby can be a cause of regression in toilet
training for an older child.  In our situation this didn't happen although
Dirk developed some sleep problems when we had Markus.  

Just some ideas.

ccb

There are as many right answers to this question as there are kids I swear.

Our 3 are spaced about 3 years apart.  It hasn't been ideal, but then I'm
not sure having them any closer would help.  Not only does it depend on
your own lifestyle etc., but it also depends on the temperment of the
older child(ren) -- and even then you never really know.

I think the bottom line is have them when you feel ready and hope it works
out!

Stuart

>> I think the bottom line is have them when you feel ready and hope it works
out!

 How true, Stuart!  My both are 26 months apart.  We made our decision
    based on our ages (want to have all the babies before 30), financial
    plan (can we afford 2 in the college at the same time), etc..  My
    first was out of diapers when the second was born, this helps.  So
    far, it works pretty well.  They are best friends and play very well
    together.
    
    Wendy  
    

   Spacing..  
   
   Well, I've often found that putting them far enough apart that they
   can't readily hit each other with their favorite stuffed friends
   works well!  :-)  :-)
   
   Sorry, I just had to say that....  :-)  :-)
   
   - Tom
   
   
   

    On a different note - my children are 8 years apart.  We planned it
    that way and love it!  My son is older now, has his own friends, and
    isn't as demanding of my time.  Frequently he is outside playing or at
    a friends home. (Of course there are days that all the 9 year olds are
    at my house!)  I have a very active 1 year old who is very demanding
    and I'm grateful to have more time for her.  Since David was much
    older, he was able to accept a sibling much better than say at 2 year
    old would.  He is not threatened by her at all.  We also have quality
    time for David since he is involved in team sports and plays etc.... and
    we are actively involved in those with him.  I'm very glad we waited.
    (And I won't have 2 in college at the same time!)
    
    Kathy
    

    We had planned to have our children 3 years apart but it did'nt work
    that way.  They are 4 yrs apart.  I enjoy this span in age.  I think
    that when you work it is easier to have them further apart.
    
    As an example.  This morning while I was getting ready for work (I was
    running late), the baby (4mos) woke up and needed fed.  Alicia (4)
    offered to feed her for me.  It was so cute to see the two of them
    cuddled up on the bed together.  Jessica kept looking at Alicia and
    smiling while eating and Alicia would check the bottle and say mom I
    think its time to burb her.
    
    My sister in law on the other hand has two children aged 17 mos and 4
    mos.  I talked to her today and her morning went like -- baby #1 woke
    up needed fed and changed, baby #2 woke up needed fed and changed, baby
    #1 kept knocking #2's bottle out of his mouth.  Baby #2 cried, Baby #1
    cried.  S-I-L made cereal for #1 and changed #2.  #1 dumped cereal over
    #2 and so on.
    
    I really prefer the age difference and my SIL perfers her difference. 
    In a couple of years both her children will be out of diapers and she
    will have many advantages to having close children.  It really is a
    personal preference.
    
    Angie        

    Angie. I thought your portrayal of your sister-in-law's typical morning
    sounded pretty funny. Sort of reminds me of my cousin's predicament.
    She had 4 children in 4 years!
    Gosh I could never cope with that!
    
    Monica

    
    I have 3 children. My older two are 17 months apart (boy 13 (next
    week), girl 11) and the youngest will be 9 in April. When my older
    2 were between 0-3 years old it was hectic. Between 3 and 9 it was
    great. They pretty much did alot of things together and were pretty
    good pals. between 9 and recently it's been hectic again. As kids get
    into middle school there's alot of activities that are seperated by
    the grade their in. It makes life difficult when two kids have to be in
    the same place 2 hours apart. Their interests are also changing
    dramatically and they both want so much independence that sharing
    resources becomes almost traumatic. I'm also not looking forward to
    the bills for two kids in college at the same time 3 out 6 years!!
    
    But I am looking forward to the fact that by the time I turn 50 they'll
    all be through school and onto lives of their own :-)