Conference moira::parenting_v3

I lived with my parents for a year after I graduated college (before I got
married).  They knew I was saving money for a new car, my wedding, and a 
honeymoon, so they weren't trying to make money off of me.  But we just agreed
I would pay them $25/week to help cover expenses (electricity, food, etc.) I
don't recall how we came to that agreement.

As far as household chores, I had my own bedroom and bathroom on the 2nd floor
which I was expected to keep clean.  My mother agreed to include my dirty
laundry in with theirs, but I had to do my own ironing.  Before I bought my
own car, I got to use one of theirs alot, and I would put gas in it when needed.

It was really a great arrangement for me.  My father often dropped me off at
work on his way in to work (I worked 1 mi. from home) and my mother picked me
up.  She would have dinner waiting for me and my dad when we got home.  I got 
along great with my parents (usually) and all of my other siblings had already 
moved out, so I had the whole upstairs to myself (very private).  Plus, I saved 
oodles of money and bought a great sports car, paid for � of my wedding, and
got to go to Hawaii on our honeymoon! (my fianc� was still in school at the
time and couldn't afford much.)

Probably some of the reasons this arrangement worked out so well was
  1. We all knew it was only for 1 year
  2. I got along with my parents
  3. I was pretty responsible
  4. I was the last to leave the nest, so my parents probably enjoyed (I like
     to think) having me there, especially after living away from home at 
     college for the previous 4 years.

    
    I had an almost identical arrangement as .1 ... however, I stayed home
    with Mom/Dad much longer ... until my late-20's.
    
    I wish I knew back then what I know now as:
    
    .  I think I put a strain on my parents' relationship ... as my folks
       spent more time trying to please me than trying to please themselves!
    
    .  I became a little spoiled and demanding ... without realizing it.
       You see, I began to believe it was MY house, MY garage and got
       used to the dinners, laundry and extra income!
    
    In my late 20's, my folks had a heart-to-heart talk with me and 
    helped me TREMENDOUSLY go out on my own, yet I was hurt that I was
    leaving MY HOME ...  Best thing my parents ever did for me!  As I
    lived on my own (and become much closer to my folks and family because
    of it!) for about 4 years before I married.  I needed that
    responsibility and independence, but was so afraid to "leave the nest"
    where Mom/Dad kept it cozy, clean, loving, well-fed, inexpensive and
    was always there to solve my problems around car-pooling, getting
    things done, etc. -- why move out?!!
    
    I hope I have the opportunity to assist my folks some day!
    
    Dottie
    

    My brother-in-law moved home at the age of 32 after his wife divorced him
    and moved out of state with the kids.  That was 5 years ago.  He pays
    a small room-and-board charge for which my mother-in-law feeds him, does
    his laundry, and cleans up after him.  He fixes any major problems
    around the house and maintains the yard.

    *** note - the rest of this note is my very biased opinion

    In this situation, I think that both my brother-in-law, Dennis, and
    my mother-in-law are worse for the wear.  Dennis has no incentive
    to get his life back on track.  He spends most of his time sitting
    around the house watching TV and smoking cigarettes.  Mom spends
    most of her time picking up after Dennis, trying to get rid of 
    the odor of cigaretts, and worrying if he will ever get his life
    back together.  

    Perhaps this situation is an extreme case because the family is VERY
    old fashioned (mom has never worked a day outside the home in spite of
    the fact her husband passed away 20 years ago, Dennis probably wouldn't
    have a clue how to do laundry or run a vacuum cleaner) 

    In my opinion, mom never should have let Dennis move back in because
    now she is stuck with him for life.  At a minimum, she should have
    imposed a time limit and stuck to it.

    *** back to unbiased discussion

    The base-noter does not tell us what situation prompted the question,
    so the scenario listed in this reply may or may not be completely
    irrelevant.  I think .1 offers some very sound advice for making
    a living arrangement work out much better than the one I have described
    here.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences and opinions.  I have a child
    who has moved back home for a while, and we'll try to hit the high
    spots of .1 through .3.
    
    John

    Just a quick added note from a couple prospectives.  My husband and I
    moved into my inlaw's home after we sold our condo, and before our
    home was ready.  I was 7 months pregnant and subsiquently delivered
    while staying with them.  We were both requested to "pitch in" with
    household chores, and my mother inlaw made it quite clear that it was
    thier home and we would abide with their house rules.  We had our own
    phone number and cable TV installed in our living area (the upstairs 2
    bedrooms but the area was sizable with a bath) and paid our bills for
    these.  Mother inlaw cooked dinner, we were responsible for other
    meals, their preparation and cleanup, we also were responsible for
    helping to clean up after dinner.
    
    During this period my husband's sister was still at home, she paid some
    amount of board, and paid for any tollcalls she made on the phone, plus
    if she decided she didn't like what was being served for dinner she was
    welcome to buy and prepare her own meal (that went for us too, even
    though I'd frequently have a meal ready when they got home, since I was 
    home after I had the baby)  We, the children, were responsible for our
    own laundry, and making sure the upstairs area and bathroom were clean.
    
    Bottom line, as inconvienient as it was with a newborn and not really
    anyplace to call you *own* home, I am appreciative that I could recoup
    some rest right after my C-section!  My favorite saying was "happiness
    is finding your mother inlaw's picture on the back of a milk carton!"
    But I hope everyone knows I never meant it!!
    
    Lyn