Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Since you asked -
    
    I would suggest waiting for at least the first 3 months befroe telling
    anyone you are pregnant.  Miscarriages occur most often during the
    first trimester, and it is somewhat uncomfortable telling even a close
    friend about a "mis" and having to explain why you are not pregnant
    anymore to people.
    
    Second, after the first three months your body begins to change and
    people are more likely to wonder upon looking at you if you are indeed
    pregnant, or simply getting "fat". 8*)
    
    Best of luck!
    

    I told family right away and my manager at work.  I waited a little bit
    to tell others.
    
    Anne

    I agree with .1 for all the same reasons.  Wait a few months.  
    But where some may disagree with me is regarding family.  I say to
    wait to tell them too, though it depends of course on how close
    your contact is.  In some cases, you may find yourself under intense
    pressure at exactly the worst time.
    
    What they don't know won't hurt them.
    
    		Steve

    Tell whomever you feel comfortable telling.

    When I first got pregnant, I was sooo excited that I wanted to tell
    everybody but held back because everybody warned me that the first
    three months are "risky".  But if I had miscarried, I would have wanted
    my closest friends to be there to support me anyway.   Regardless of the
    outcome I would have ended up telling my close friends and family, so
    I decided to share the good news right away with the people I was close
    to.  I waited the "standard" three months to tell aquaintences.

    So - it depends on what type of person you are.  If you are very private
    and don't like other people knowing about your personal affairs - wait
    as long as you like.  If you are more outgoing and have people you like
    to share your "secrets" with - go ahead and tell them right away.   

    I told everyone the day I found out. I told even more people after i
    had it confirmed by a blood test. I couldn't see waiting to spread the
    news because if something were to happen before the 3 months were up, I
    would have had to tell everyone that I was pregnant but lost the child.
    So IMO you should do as you feel, if you are excited and can't keep it
    inside, tell the world! Truthfully, I tried never to think of the 
    "what if's". When your pregnant and totally excited why hold back from
    everyone?
    
    Just an opinion.
    
      Sandy
           

    
    I told my family and close friends right away and waited 3 months to
    tell aquaintances and co-workers.  I got this pointer from someone
    who had a couple miscarriages. She found it very difficult to tell
    everyone that she was no longer pregnant and that she could stay on
    the project longer or start a new project. 
    
    
    Eva.

For those of you who say the first 3 months are risky...well, I think you
MEAN to say that IFF a miscarriage is going to occur, it is MOST likely to
occur in the first 3 months.

Anyways, I agree with .4 and .6.  With my first, we told all of our families
right away, and NO ONE ELSE until after the first trimester was up.  With my
second, again we told all of our families right away PLUS we told a few close
friends.  I figured, "If I miscarried, who would I be comfortable discussing
it with?  Who would I want to know about it?"  I would not feel comfortable
with having my co-workers know about it, so I didn't tell any of them until
I was 3 months along.  Everyone is different.  Only you can make this decision.

� �ori �

    I don't think that the possibility of a miscarriage should be a factor
    in telling others.  If you do lose the baby, then you will have all
    these emotions bottled up inside you.  If people know, then there will
    be support.  We told people right away with all  ours, we couldn't wait.  
    My wife has been pregnant four times and she is going to give birth for 
    the third time in February.  We had told people about her being pregnant 
    last fall (her last pregnancy) and she lost the baby right around
    Christmas.  It was a very hard time and I think the only thing that
    would have made it harder is not acknowledging the pregnancy.  It does
    not make it go away.  It is a profound loss.  
    
    Nuff said about that.  Congratulations on your pregnancy, will say a
    prayer that everything goes smoothly.
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike

    I told everybody right away because I figured the word was going
    to seep around through the grapevine pretty quickly anyway, what
    with my two best friends and my spouse working in the same general
    area . . . also, I'm not a terribly private person and I figured
    that if I did miscarry, they'd all know about it anyway, and I'd
    want and need their understanding and support.
    
    Besides that, I was so happy I just *couldn't* keep it to myself,
    and Neil was beside himself . . . even announced it at the staff
    meeting . . . 
    
    A lot of it depends on your personality.  If you're not
    comfortable discussing your family interactions or private
    feelings of any kind with your coworkers, or don't consider them
    particularly friendly or supportive, it would probably be better
    to keep it to yourself.
    
    --bonnie

    I'm kind of like Bonnie...I told my sister right away, mostly because I
    was so thunderstruck that I'd gotten pregnant and I wanted a sanity
    check!  Then after a couple of weeks, I began telling family, then
    my manager and close friends at work.  I wanted to tell my manager
    because someone will have to cover for me while I'm on maternity leave,
    plus he's good people and has been *extremely* supportive of me and
    my family needs.  Along about the end of November, the knowledge was
    pretty general.  I'm small and tend to slimness, so my "pot belly"
    became obvious by the time I was about 6-8 weeks!
    
    And like Bonnie, if I'd lost the baby (God forbid), I would want
    understanding and support from as many people as possible.
    
    Good luck to you, whatever you decide.  I can remember my mother
    telling me that it was "in bad taste" to announce your pregnancy before
    the end of your first trimester.  I'm glad we're a little more honest
    about these things today!

    I waited the three months to tell almost everyone, I guess because
    that's how my mother did it!  I told Mom and Dad, a very
    good friend at work and my manager (so she could plan for
    when I was out and so she'd understand if I was sick a lot).  If
    I miscarried I would not have told all my co-workers, so why tell
    them I'm pregnant before I feel comfortable - which was at 3 months.
    The doctor also said when we heard the heartbeat, "you can
    go tell everyone now".  That was just around 12 weeks. 
    
    If I get pregnant again I will tell all my good friends and all of
    my immediate family right away.  I think I'd like to keep it a
    secret from co-workers for as long as possible (except my manager
    and the one other person in my group) just because I think it would
    be a great and fun secret to have.  Then again, should the time 
    comes I probably won't be able to keep quiet about it.
    
    By the way, I like finding out about people's pregnancies as late as
    possible - makes the waiting much shorter (because I get excited for
    their due date, too).  
    
    Donna
      

    With my first preganancy, I told my immediate family at about 10 weeks
    and miscarried one week later!   I am glad that I hadn't told
    co-workers and other acquaintances because I was so weepy afterwards
    that if more people had known, I would have been busting out in 
    tears every time I saw someone who knew.
    
    With my second (successful) pregnancy, I told my family as soon as
    I found out but saved telling my in-laws and friends until I had 
    a "healthy" ultrasound at 8 weeks (the miscarriage was blighted
    ovum).   I told co-workers as it became obvious :-).
    
    Spreading your joy is a very personal thing, what works for one
    might not work for another.
    
    Best of luck,
    Carol

    
    With my first pregnancy I told my family and friends right away. Well
    some of my friends I work with and they told everyone else at work. I
    ended up having a miscarriage, but because I was showing by the time I
    miscarried people would have known anyways. When I got pregnant again I
    told my boss and one friend at work, both of whom were sworn to
    secrecy. I was even going to wait to tell my family, but I had to call
    Mom and all my sisters about something else and knew I wouldn't be able
    to keep my mouth shut so I told them. This was at about 6 1/2 weeks.  
    At about 10 1/2 weeks I started letting people know at work since I was
    starting to show and wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer. My
    folks spread the word to the rest of the family at this point too.
    
    One thing that bothered me was that I found out that good news travels
    fast and bad news doesn't travel at all. Two months after my
    miscarriage I had people at work commenting on the fact that I was not
    looking very pregnant at all. It didn't bother me, but I felt terrible
    for them when I had to tell them that I had a miscarriage 2 months
    earlier. That was my biggest deciding factor in not letting people know
    right away the second time.
    
    Patty

    Well, much like Bonnie, I didn't hesitate. After I was 3 days late
    for my period, we bought the kit from the pharmacie. When it turned 
    positive, Alan and I told our parents, but told them too, that
    confirmation would come with the doctor a few days later. After the
    positive result at the doctor, I told everyone, including my boss so
    that he would have the maximum time to figure out what to do without
    me next summer -- I guess if I would have or would loose the child
    my feelings would be hard to hide anyway.
    
    As everyone else mentioned, it really depends on yourself as a person
    and your relationship with those around you.
    
    Monica
    

First of all, congratulations!  I am excited for you and I don't even know
you!

I wanted to tell my mother and sisters, whom I am very close to, right away,
but my husband didn't want to tell *anyone* until he felt more sure that
everything would be alright.  For him, that was 3 ultrasounds and 5 weeks
later ( I had problems conceiving so we were a little scared it might be an
ectopic pregnancy. ).  So I agreed but we had to tell my mother because we
had already scheduled a trip to visit her the next day, cross-country, and
when we got there I was sick the whole time and felt we owed her an
explanation!  She couldn't stand that she couldn't tell anyone else!

One thing good about waiting, it was our precious secret to share just
between the two of us and revel in and that was very romantic.

As far as telling my co-workers/manager, I waited even longer (
almost 5 months) because I didn't know what I wanted to do in terms of
leave and also because I didn't want to be treated as a 
disability/short-timer.  I am glad I did it that way, looking back.

One of my good friends who is a co-worker was upset though that I didn't
tell her earlier.  I told her when I told my sisters and I tried to
explain to her that no one else knew except my mom but she was still a
little upset.

As far as the 3 months/possible miscarriage explanation, I felt I wanted
my close family to know immediately because I would want them to
be excited for me and then if anything happened then be sad for me.  Kind
of like, go through it with me.  I didn't want to call them up and say 
"hey guess what I was pregnant but then I miscarried".  But despite my
opinion, I deferred to my husband's wishes.

Kyra

    Well, with this pregnancy, we waited until I was 3 months along to
    tell most of our family, due to my past history of miscarriages
    4 in all but one great son.  However, my Mom figured it out so we 
    told my folks at around 8 weeks.  I was so tired and grumby from
    being sick and afraid about losing this baby too, that my Mother
    asked me if I was pregnant.
    
    I also, informed my manager at 8 weeks since I was soooo sick all
    day long.  Told everyone else I had the flu that was going around
    at the time. We waited until I was about 14 weeks along before telling
    co-workers and friends, since I was showing and started to wear
    maternity clothes about then.   
    
    Now, I feel comfortable letting the Parenting community know, since
    I was once pretty active in this notes file at one time.  I'm 22
    weeks, due May 8th.  Had an ultra-sound on 12/28/90 and the baby looks 
    great and is right on target.  Saw all the vital organs, legs, toes,
    fingers etc. We have no idea if it's a girl or boy, though the
    technician was pretty sure of what we are going to have.
    
    We let our son, Kevin 3 1/2 years old, know gradually.  He's estastic
    about becoming a big brother.  He says it's a girl because we need
    a sister since he's the brother.  Kevin and I spent about half hour
    last night with our hands on my BIG belly feeling the baby kick. 
    
    Pat K.
    
                             
    

    With my first pregnancy besides my husband I told my manager, just incase 
    something happend and I wasn't in work he would understand why I wasn't
    in.  This worked out well because a few days later I had a miscarrage
    and was out of work for about 3 days due to heavy bleeding and sever
    abdominal pain.  After waiting the 3 months my doctor told me to wait I
    got pregnant agian and told my manager agian just incase it happened a
    second time.  Well the second one dicided to stay in and right after my
    4 month check up I told everyone else besides they started to get
    curious because I started to gain weight early.
    
    Good luck and do what you think is best.
    
    
    Liz

    With my first, I told my family right away, and waited about
    3 months to tell my boss and co-workers.  I didn't tell my
    mother-in-law until I was 5 months along.  She has been
    pushing us to have kids since the day we got married.  Although,
    I knew the news will make her really happy, but I didn't want
    the pressure.
    
    With my second, I told everyone right away.  Well, no one
    seemed supprised, since we have been talking about wanting
    another child for awhile.
    
    It's really up to you to decide.
    
    Wendy

    Why wouldn't you want to tell people now?  Wouldn't you want the people 
    who will share in your joy to also share in any grief?   A miscarriage
    doesn't have to be kept a secret - nor does a pregnancy - unless you
    fear discrimination of sorts.
    
    I know I thought about it with my first.  Before I became pregnant, I
    held to the theory that I was going to wait.  Once I found I was
    pregnant, I sure couldn't keep it to myself.  As far as co-workers,
    that's totally at your discretion since a pregnangy most likely
    wouldn't affect your ability to work - especially in the beginning.
    
    -sandy
    

   My wife and I promised each other than would wait to the eind of the first
   trimester before telling a soul. We lasted three days. Everyone was
   thrilled with the news.
   
   A later pregnancy, which miscarried, had everyone warned straight away, and
   the miscarraige  got no undue amount of concern/commiseration etc.
   
   NOw, we have already pre-warned Grandparents that we will be starting
   another one, real soon now.... :-)
   
   q
   

When I found out I was pregnant for the third time, having lost my
second pregnancy, I still told everyone right away.  One reason I
did was that I wanted people to know in the event that I lost the
third one, too.  That way people would understand if I was down.

Liz

    So...... Have you decided?  Are you going to tell us who you are? :')
    
    
    
    Peace,
    
    Mike

This is the basenoter's response:
    
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	Thank you all for your replies. Basically this is what I have
    decided and already done. Our very close friends already know,
    darned if I could keep my mouth shut about that, if there is a
    problem, I would want them to know anyway so there is no conflict
    there.

    	I have decided not to tell my co-workers until the
    third-fourth month (provided it is not already blatantly obvious).
    With the layoff situation here (I am in the Northeast) I think
    that it is especially important to keep quiet in the office
    setting for awhile.

    	As far as you people, some of you already know me, I've been
    in and out of here before, but I still think that I'll wait at the
    very least until the official blood test this afternoon. ;-)

    	Luckily for me, I feel great, there is no morning sickness and
    I am eating all meals (actually I'm eating 6 small meals instead
    of 3 larger ones in an effort to stabilize blood sugar). I spoke
    with one of my sister's who is pregnant (three of us are currently
    pregnant) and she said that she never had morning sickness and is
    still wearing her normal clothes (with the zipper a little down)
    in her fourth month. My other sister carried her babies the same
    way and hopefully that is how I will be, just a little basketball
    in front.

    	Believe me, I have a million questions and when the time is
    right, you will know who I am, in the mean time believe me that
    your continuing notes are giving me a vast amount of information.	

 
 Not knowing (or not remembering) how common miscarriages are, I looked this
 up, and others might be interested.  One in six pregnancies ends in
 miscarriage.  Three out of four miscarriages occur during the first 12 weeks. 
 It is thought that a majority of miscarriages occur because of a genetic
 abnormality in the fetus.
 
 		- Bruce
 

I am entering this note at the request of a PARENTING notesfile 
who would prefer to remain anonymous at this time.

Carol Stolicny, PARENTING co-moderator



	Hi,

	I'm nine weeks pregnant, and am trying to decide when would
	be the "right" time to tell my boss.

	I'd appreciate some insight from the noters here, specifically
	on the following questions:

	- When did you tell your supervisor/manager you were expecting ?

	- What factored into your decision ?

	- Would you do it differently next time ?

	Thanks!

    
    
    - When did you tell your supervisor/manager you were expecting ?
    
      If I can remember correctly, I told my supervisor at the end
      of three months.   By that time, I had been asked by one person
      if I was pregnant (I put on 9 lbs in the first trimester...big
      mistake!), so I figured I couldn't hide it any longer.  I also
      wanted to give him and myself ample time to prepare for STD and
      a possible parental leave.  I never told my manager directly, I
      let my supervisor handle that.
    
    - What factored into your decision?
    
      Ooops, see above.  
    
    - Would you do it differently next time?  
    
      If I were to become pregnant again, I would probably follow a similar
      course, though I might tell just my supervisor a bit earlier.  I
      feel he was as fair with me as I could have expected in the
      organization that I work in...so I owe him that much.
    
    Good luck in your decision and best wishe for your pregnancy!
    
    Carol   
      
    

>	- When did you tell your supervisor/manager you were expecting ?

	Actually, I told my to-be-boss at the time of the interview when
	he actually offered me the job.

>	- What factored into your decision ?
	I figured he had a right to know, in accepting the job, that he
	was going to temporarily lose me in about 8 months.  We discussed
	the fact (known by me) that I WOULD definitely be returning from
	work right after the allotted disability time and how I thought 
	the job would/would not be affected by having the baby. 
	
>	- Would you do it differently next time ?
	No, I wouldn't, since I feel it was my boss's right to know, 
	especially if I was/would be out/late due to morning-sickness.
	Even now, I was very upfront with my 7-years-later-new-boss
	in talking with her about the fact that I am a single parent,
	my son is very important to me and how I would handle the job
	in that relationship.

From talking/reading what others have to say (in other notes/conversations),
I guess one of the other decision factors is how comfortable YOU are with your
boss.  Some people have stated that they wouldn't say anything for fear of
miscarriage, others have said they wouldn't tell because they just don't want 
all the questions starting too soon.......

Do what feels right to you.  Most importantly, have a very healthy, happy
baby !!!!!!

Debbi J

    
    I think it really depends on how you interact with those you work
    with; specifically your superior.
    I have a fairly good rapport with my manager, and so, BOTH times I
    became pregnant I let him and everyone else know right after I found
    out.
    Why?
    professional reason: to give my boss the maximum time he can have
    to plan for my absence. As our materity leave in Canada is on the 
    order of months, and we have a tight staff, I figured the longer
    he had to arrange things, the better it would be for him and the
    folks having to cope with one less person around.
    personal reason: I am the kind of person who likes to share my
    experiences with others. If something happened to me or the baby
    (and it DID) then my co-workers and employers would find out one
    way or the other anyway. Having gone with me though most of my
    pregnancy, I felt they were real friends to me when the bad times
    came, since they were part of the experience all the way along.
    
    Would I do it again?
    I did! Turns out my boss's wife is due 2 weeks after me!
    
    Like I said, depends very much on your relationship with your boss.
    
    Monica 

I agree, it depends on the relationship with your boss... BUT, keep in mind
that most people WILL treat you differently once you do announce it, so wait
until you're ready for that.  Suddenly, when people see you, even if you're
not "showing", they see "the pregnant person", instead of "the team member"
or whatever.  If you think the circumstances (as in planning for a project)
warrant a big lead time, and you're comfortable with the onslaught of questions
and comments, then certainly break the news early.

I told around 4 months -- just my supervisor first, then team members a couple
weeks later. Next time, I'd probably do the same unless it was more obvious
earlier.  Although it's a very happy and exciting occurrence, it is also a
personal one, and it took me some time to get used to discussing my body
with acquaintances and complete strangers!

Good luck,
-Cori

    
    I work in a very close-knit group and I'm good friends with the group
    secretary. My group knew I was trying to get pregnant, so as soon as I
    thought I was everyone knew. This pregnancy ended in a miscarriage late
    enough that everyone would have known by then anyways, so waiting to
    tell wouldn't have made a difference.
    
    With my second and successful pregnancy I decided to wait to tell most
    every one except my boss. I was very nervous and very nauseous so he
    was able to cover for me where if he hadn't known he might have been
    questioning me. I planned to wait and tell everyone else in the group
    after my first appointment (about 11 weeks) when they would be doing
    an ultrasound. This didn't happen as I started to show early and had
    been asked by a couple of people if I was pregnant and I had to lie
    (and I hate lieing). Also our group was having a 2-day woods meeting
    and since I was living on saltines and in the bathroom I figured it
    would be kind of evident. So, I ended up telling the group when I was
    10 weeks along and thankfully everything worked out.
    
    Patty

    I have a good relationship with my supervisor & manager.  I wound up
    telling them before I even saw my OB since they wanted me to fly to a
    customer, and I wasn't feeling all that well at the time.  
    
    It really depends on how you get along with everyone....
    
    marianne

    In restrospect, I had an extremely early miscarriage during the summer. 
    I had just begun working with this group and just felt uncomfortable
    "spilling it all" to relatively new acquaintances.  I had decided even
    before the spotting started not to tell them until it became "obvious". 
    I only chose to tell people (actually some female coworkers) what was
    happening during the miscarriage which took several days to get past
    the worst stages.  I did this only because several people asked if I
    was feeling OK, and commented on "how awful" I looked, I utilized the
    opportunity to tell them the truth at that point.  I actually lost no
    work time while it was happening.
    
    Sort of interesting though, one of the other women in the group
    recently announced she was pregnant, and I humourously thought that had
    my pregnancy actually developed, the two of us would have probably
    driven our group crazy with doctors appointments, morning sickness,
    hormone swings and all the lovely things that come with pregnancy, not
    to mention both of us probably going out on leave at the same time! We
    both would have had the same due date!
    
    I think I'm going to feel terribly close to her babies (twins) for a
    lot of reasons! (I've recently introduced her to the wonderful world of
    these great notes!
    
    Lyn
    
    

    If you are going to have an amniocentesis, and its results may affect
    the continuation of your pregnancy, consider waiting to tell people
    until you get the amnio results.  You get the results of even the
    earliest amnio in your fourth month, so you'd have to be quite discreet
    even when you're showing a bit.  However, with the physical and
    emotional upset that would accompany a problem amnio result, you would
    probably not want to make it a public topic of discussion.
    
    L

    
    	Personally? I didn't feel it was really anyone's business until
    	I felt ready to tell them.  As it turns out it was something
    	of a nasty situation where the news went around before I had
    	even opened my mouth.
    
    	I don't feel it takes THAT long (i.e. six months) to decide about 
    	STD/parental leave, etc.  So, to me, my pregnancy was MY 
    	business.
    
    	/Kim
    
    	

    I told my boss quite soon on - basically because i was running out of
    excuses as to why I wasn't coming in OR why I was coming in late - as I
    felt so sick or was sick I thought it best.
    
    In fact I probably told her sooner than I thought - as I found out
    yesterday I am only 13 weeks now and not 15 weeks!
    
    You must do what YOU feel comfortable with.  I'm sure that people
    understand the risks you run telling them before the magic 12 weeks has
    passed.
    
    Good luck.
    
    Alex