Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    Hi,
    
    	When I was getting re-married last year my then 9 year old went
    through all kinds of trauma.  It's possible that Donald, although you
    may think he's accepting your getting re-married, is really upset about
    it.  After all, kids have this fantisy that their parents are going to
    get back together and now you're spoiling that.  It's a lot easier for
    him to be angry with you than his father since his father has already
    left him.
    
    	Also, my daughter took out most of her anger at school.  She loves
    school and I guess she wanted to punish herself with something she
    really likes.  Fortunatly, she's gotten over it for the most part.
    
    	Try to sit down with Donald and talking to him.  Ask him how he
    feels about your getting married.  Tell him that you'll always be his
    mom.  He needs to hear that.
    
    	About the "changing his name", maybe you should let him know that
    if he wants to be called "Donny, or Don" it's okay.  Not that there's
    anything wrong with Donald, however, I could understand where a group
    of kinderguarteners could come up with some mean comments.  Kids CAN be
    really cruel.
    
    	Well, that's my $.02...
    
    
    						jean
    

Speech problems can often be caused (or exacerbated) by stress.  Perhaps he 
feels stressed in the classroom, and the speech problem is far worse there.

I hate to keep saying "get some professional help", but I can't help saying it
again.  Donald is going through a lot.  Even if he's happy about your 
impending marriage, that's stressful.  The birth of a half-sister is not 
trivial -- he may look upon it as the final chapter in losing his father.
As .1 says, problems don't always show up where they are caused.  If you're 
the author of 385, then it sounds like Donald's relationship with his father 
has been very difficult for quite a while.  You might also either buy, or 
check your library for reading materials on children of broken homes.  And my 
recommendation to get professional help extends not only to Donald, but also 
to you -- you seem very stressed, and while this notesfile can be very good at 
"listening", we aren't very personal, we aren't trained, and on occasion we 
say some dumb things.

As for some of the other issues-- concerning the speech issue, you might 
consider an examination by a specialist.  I don't understand your "filling a 
quota" suspicion, but I generally think that if you mistrust the school's 
evaluation, it's a good idea to get one done independently.

I'd ask the teacher if Donald has problems with any other children in the 
class.  I'd also ask the parents of other kids in Donald's class, if you know 
any, if their child has any problems with Donald or with the other child.  If 
it's just between the two of them, I'd tend to dismiss the comment -- just 
about EVERYONE has someone that they don't get along with.  If a lot of other 
kids have problems with the other boy, then the problem is not Donald's.

I agree with .1 about the name.  I could see a child named Donald who didn't 
speak clearly get called "Donald Duck" and begin to resent his name.  I think 
that's worth exploring.  Kids DO say strange things, but they are usually very 
meaningful, at least to them.

Clay

    re: .0
    
    As I read your note, I have conflicting feelings. One is to second
    Clay's advice to get some help for yourself, to add a cheerful
    testimonial to how much speech therapy helped my neighbor's
    daughter, who was shy and withdrawn but not noticebly behind in
    her speech, to suggest at least getting an evaluation from the
    speech specialist, and to suggest that he probably feels like his
    life is completely out of his control.  That can lead a child his
    age to revolt at the strangest moments -- sharing toys or supplies
    during joint work being one of the ones I've seen most frequently
    in my kids. 
    
    The other is a gut feeling that the problem is between your son
    and the teacher, not in his home life or between him and the other
    kid.  She doesn't seem to be very sympathetic or open-minded. 
    Perhaps it's something as simple as a difference of work styles --
    my gregarious chatterbox of a six-year-old occasionally runs afoul
    of a lone-wolf art teacher who doesn't understand how you can draw
    while your mouth is flapping, and Kat, who prefers to work alone,
    always had behavior problems when she had to work in groups.  In
    both cases all that was required was explaining to the child that
    sometimes you had to behave differently than what you would
    prefer, and explaining to the teacher where the child is coming
    from -- we're still working on Steven, but then it's only first
    grade.
    
    Is the kindergarten part of the same school where Donald went to
    preschool?  Is there someone else at the school, perhaps the
    director or last year's teacher, who you could talk to to get a
    different perspective?  
    
    As for telling his grandmother to get out of the house -- that
    sounds typical for a kid this age.  They're just starting to learn
    they have some control over life, and when they're mad and feeling
    unjustly treated,  they'll come out with some of the most
    ridiculous edicts.  

    Thank you all for your responses.
    
    Re: .1  I really don't think Donald has a fantasy about his father and
    me getting back together.  Daddy blew that away last year when HE got
    remarried and had another baby.  We have talked to the kids about us
    getting married.  In fact, the children wanted to know when we were
    going to, BEFORE we were officially engaged!
    
    Re: .2  Clay, I think you may be right about Donald looking at his new
    sister as a final chapter in losing daddy.  Although he hasn't shown
    any signs of this.  He hardly ever talks about daddy, except when daddy
    calls.  My "filling a quota" suspicion stems from the more people I
    talk to in Townsend, the school has said the same thing about their
    children.  The school has to have so many children enrolled in Special
    Ed. in order to get funding from the state.  
    
    Re: .3  I agree with you also that the teacher isn't very sympathetic
    or open-minded.  I think she's trying to cram too much learning into
    the short time that the kids ARE there.  It's Kindergarten for heaven's
    sake!  What happened to playing in Kindergarten and learning simple
    things like the alphabet and how to cut a shape?  It seems like the
    school's want the kids to know all these things BEFORE they get there! 
    No the kindergarten is in a different town from where he went to
    pre-school.  I've had plenty of other opinions.  I really do not feel
    that Donald needs speech therapy.  
    
    Thank you again and you've all been very helpful and understanding. 
    It's nice to know there's other parents out there that are going
    through the same thing.
    
    Happy Holidays! :-)
    

    I just had to reply to this note, my daughter, Amber also
    hates/hated kindergarten.

    She's doing better now that I've had a talk with both her
    and her teacher.  

    After the first day of school I asked Amber how she liked
    it, she told me she loved her teacher and that the teacher
    was so nice that we were going to have to get her lots of
    presents throughout the year. 

    The second day Amber came home and announced that she hated
    the teacher and kindergarten. The teacher did nothing but
    boss her around, and the class was boring.

    The word "burnout" immediately came to mind.  I had noticed
    the subject of preschool burnout now and then in parenting
    magazines but never paid much attention to them.  Now I wish
    I had. 

    I started noticing the projects Amber brought home from school
    were virtually identical to the projects she had been bringing 
    home the last two and half years from preschool. I'd burnout
    too if I did the same thing for 2 or 3 years.  Kids aren't
    any different.

    I had a conference with her teacher. The teacher explained that
    Amber was advanced in many of her skills and is a candidate for
    a program called the GATE (Gifted And Talented Education) program
    but most schools don't start the program til 3rd grade. So I asked
    if Amber should move up to the 1st grade.  The teacher said she
    could, but suggested we leave her in K and let her be at the top 
    of her class.  As a result of this conference, the teacher has been
    giving Amber more advanced projects and responsibilities and now
    everything seems to be evening out.     
     
    As far as the problem with other children 'bothering' your child;
    if it truly is unwarranted harassment by another child, here
    is what I have done.

    True story:
    One day when Amber was a little over four years old I noticed one
    of her fingernails had been bitten quite short. She did not bite
    her nails at the time so I asked her why she started. She told me
    Melissa at school did it. I was skeptical but asked her to not
    let Melissa to do it again.  A few days latter, Amber came home 
    with a bandaid on her little toe. She told me again that Melissa 
    did it.  I was baffled.  I embarrassingly mentioned to the pre-
    school teacher who said she was aware of the problem and Melissa
    had been given time-outs for her behavior. BTW, Melissa would do
    this during nap time. The third time Amber came home with a gnawed
    finger I decided to have a talk with Melissa. The next day I 
    approached her and asked her if she had been biting Amber's nails,
    she said "no". I then turned to Amber and asked her the same question,
    she said "yes".  I turned to Melissa again and asked her "why" she
    bit other peoples nails, she said "I don't know".  I told her that
    it was not good manners to do such a thing.  I then gave her a hug 
    and left.  End of problem.  I still don't know what Melissa's motive
    was, but letting her know that it was unacceptable was all she 
    needed to know.
           
    Hope some of what I have said here helps sort out your situation.
    
    Jodi-
          

    The best thing that can happen for your child in Massachusetts is
    to have your child officially recognized as "educationally handicapped."
    In Massachusetts educationally handicapped children are entitled
    - by law - to an education that will allow them to reach their maximum
    potential.  Non educationally handicapped children don't have the
    same legal right to achieving their maximum potential.
    
    My son had a similar situation, where he was happy in pre-school
    but fell apart in grade school.  In Chris's case his unhappiness
    did not occur in kindergarten but in first grade.  In first grade
    he started to discover he just could not keep up with the other
    kids.  I didn't really want to believe it.  I was sure that he'd
    catch up - no son of mine was going to be "educationally handicapped."
    
    Well, he did not catch up.  He got further and further behind
    academically and more and more unhappy because he also could not
    keep up emotionally.  For three years he went through hell.  He
    went from being a real happy youngster up until first grade to
    need psychological and psychiatric help by the time he got through
    the third grade.
    
    Today I accept the fact that he has some handicaps - he has learned
    to accept them and understand them and he is now, in the seventh
    grade, the same basically happy, well adjusted child he was before
    he started in first grade.  
    
    I won't go through all of the history here, but I will say that
    a major part of his current success is that I accepted the fact
    that he was educationally handicapped and the schools validated
    that he was educationally handicapped.
    
    I can add that over the years Chris has had various teachers -
    some who knew little about his problems but with whom he got
    along beautifully, and at least one who was brilliant at
    diagnosing his problems, but who had no ability to cope with
    Chris on a day-to-day basis, and - perhaps - this is the type
    of teacher your child is now faced with.
    
    My suggestion would be to have him evaluated by the school - but
    that you sit down with the school beforehand to define what you
    want to see in the evaluation - including not just speech issues
    but any other issues like, why does he hate pasting so much (my
    concern here is that he might have some fine or gross motor issues
    that would need to be looked at.)
    
    
    After you get the school's evaluation you are entitled to reject it and
    take your son for a more thorough evaluation at a place like Boston's
    Children Hospital, where they'll do a full day look at him and charge
    the cost to your school.
    
    Good luck.
    
    If there's anything you want to know about concerning your rights
    and your son's rights with regards to special education laws please
    let me know.
    
    -----Dick

    This is not a comment about the problem posed in the basenote, but a
    narrower complain about the phrase "children of broken homes," which
    was used in one of the replies.  This used to be a fairly common
    phrase; I think it fortunate that this is no longer so.  The phrase
    suggests that children whose parents do not live together cannot have
    proper or functional "homes," a suggestion that I reject.  There are
    plenty of happy homes maintained by single parents, or blended
    families.  My kids happen to have two distinct homes, but I believe
    that each of them works just fine.  And I think we all know that some
    of the most dysfunctional home atmospheres may exist in homes with two
    semi-estranged parents who stay together "just for the sake of the
    kids."  What is a child going to think if told they come from a
    "broken home?"  Is it broken like a doll which can be mended good as
    new with a little glue?  Or is it broken like Humpty Dumpty:
    irretrievably smashed?  In fact, the home may be just fine, thank you;
    perhaps it's only the marriage that didn't last happily ever after. 
    Let's allow this phrase the quiet retirement that it deserves.

    		- Bruce

re: .7

Bruce,

I realize, to my chagrin, that it was I who used the term.  While I understand 
that your note was to take issue with the use of a phrase and not to admonish 
me personally, I apologize, and thank you for bringing it to my attention.  

I agree with you, the term is pejorative and imprecise.  I personally don't 
think of "broken home" as synonymous with "divorced parents".  I agree with 
every point you make about divorced parents, dysfunctional, but intact 
families, and the like.  I just blew it.  I'll try to use more precise 
terminology in the future.

Clay