Conference moira::parenting_v3

    I believe a child's rate of development is based on a combination of 
    both physical and mental abilities, as well as nurturing.
    
    In other words, a child won't walk until it's legs are "ready" to
    support him AND he has a desire to walk AND he's been somewhat exposed
    to the process.  Given enough time, he'll probably figure it out ...
    however, with a little extra encouragement and assistance, he'll
    probably "catch on" quicker.  There's a lot of pros and cons about
    walkers (and the risk they pose), however, after much assurance from
    JA's Pedi, we put her in one at 6 months ... her legs suffered no
    consequences (despite mucho protest from my physical therapist
    sister-in-law AND she never bounced down the stairs in a walker) ...
    JA survived just fine ... and she was cruising at 8 months and walked
    at 10-1/2 months ... because she was ready to walk AND she was exposed
    to the process at a fairly early age.
    
    I believe children thrive on interaction ... rocking, singing, reading,
    playing, showing them how to sit on a tryke, then ride a tryke ...
    and they'll all react to it at different times and at different levels
    ... but I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that interaction and challenge is MOST
    beneficial to a child's development.
    
    We don't push JA ... we provide her with lots of "tools" and exposure 
    (toys, showing her how to do things, working with her on puzzles,
    words, singing ...) and let her decide when she's ready to "respond",
    when she "wants" to play, when she's ready to do puzzles, when she
    wants to read or sing ... and when she doesn't ... then down she goes
    and she's off and running.
    
    We're very lucky that JA is very active and loves to be challenged ...
    and it SHOWS!  She's way ahead of most 14-1/2 month olds.
    
    I get tired, I get overwhelmed, I get frustrated ... but I try "so
    hard" to find that necessary time and patience to interact with JA ... 
    help her, show her, teach her, LOVE HER!  It's all equally important 
    and she'll only "catch on and do it" when SHE'S READY TO!  But never 
    stop planting the seed(s), as they WILL grow!
    
    Dottie
                                           

    
    re. 0
    
    Yes, everything we do have effects on our kids.
    
    The way we talk, the things we say, the way we treat other people,
    the way we dress, our attitudes and values, etc.
    
    We can't really change how fast they mature, but we have effects
    and control over what they know and how they behave.
    
    When my older daughter was about 2 1/2, she wanted to know how to
    write her name. Well, I showed her, she didn't do too well copying it.
    I thought she was too young to do it and we dropped the subject. 
    Well, one day when she was 3 or so, she came back from nursery school 
    and showed me a picture and on the bottom, she signed her name. 
    I thought the teacher taught her to write her name, but she said 
    I showed her when she was little. Well, geez, I thought to myself 
    "I better watch what I say and what I do these days, this kid will 
    tell me about it 10 years from now!!!!"
    
    So, don't give up your efforts, they'll pay off sooner or later.
    The kid will store the info and retrieve it when he/she needs it.
    
    
    Eva.

    There was an article in this Sunday's "Parade" Magazine (inserted in
    most newspapers) about child prodigies.
    
    Part of the article discussed the environment that children grow up in
    and how it relates to their development.  It also talked about
    something that has been said here many times in many ways - children
    will develop at their own rate!  One person interviewed said that
    parents should nurture and help develop their children's talents rather
    than *molding* their children; and also to remember the social skills.
    
    Interesting reading.
    
    
    Judi
    

    A statement I keep hearing recently:  The best predictor of a child's
    success in school is how many stories have been read to him/her by the
    time she/he enters school.  This apparently has a higher correlation
    than parents' educational level, money, IQ, or the child's scores on IQ
    tests.
    
    For whatever that's worth.

    I think that it is easy for many parents to push their children too
    hard, just because they want the child to do things, but the child may
    not be ready.  I believe this can be psychologically damaging to a
    child; for instance, they may end up doing things primarily to please
    their parents, or to avoid feeling a failure.  I believe our nephew, 
    who is now 10, is an example of this; he is an only child, and has had
    all his parents' attention on him; it seems to me that they want him
    to be the best at everything, regardless of what he himself wants.  I
    don't believe he is a very happy child; he is rude and aggressive, and
    doesn't interact well with other children; he is always in fights at
    school, and being reprimanded by the teachers.  (BTW I'm not saying that
    this is a result of being an only child, because I have several friends
    who are only children, and you couldn't wish to meet nicer people.)
    
    I've read several articles on successful people, who never feel
    successful, because they are always striving to do better, but at the
    same time 'keep moving the goalpost'.  There must be a correlation
    between this and the pressure put on you when you're younger.
    
    Equally damaging is when parents don't take enough interest in their
    child, and make them feel loved or special, which would obviously
    create a different set of problems.
    
    With our own child, we will try to let her go at her own pace, give her 
    encouragement where we think she needs/wants it, but above all, let her
    do the things *she* shows an interest in, and hopefully she'll grow up
    happy *and* 'successful'. 
     
    Donna 
    
      
    
    

    I agree that there is little parental influence on timing of crawling,
    walking, stairs, etc.  But timing of these stages is also of virtually
    no significance (as even those of us who keep saying so forget when our
    OWN darling passes a milestone!).  And we may not have much influence
    on more durable attributes, either, such as stature, IQ, conformance to
    current standards of "attractiveness," or whatever.
    
    But we parents can profoundly affect things that are probably much more
    important (as earlier replies have suggested), such as: self confidence
    (or the opposite); ability to balance one's own needs with those of
    others; ability to listen openly and sympathetically to other points of
    view; pleasure in the more creative and enobling expressions of human
    creativity (say, music, art, literature, science, history . . .) rather
    than some of the alternatives (my list would include most commercial
    TV, ice hockey (unless Bobby Orr is playing), People Magazine . . .);
    pleasure and confidence in setting one's own goals and working hard at
    them within one's abilities; and (?sadly?) ability to mature to
    independence from parents, hopefully without long term rejection of
    them.
    
    Most of these may not show up very directly in the easy tangible
    measures of comparison we are used to (SAT scores, most popular/famous
    kid/person, greatest Net Worth aquired at death . . . [though some may
    have a considerable indirect effect]).  But they are surely more likely to
    show up in the overall richness and happiness of an offspring's total
    life, and the kind of impact s/he may have on the lives of others, than
    when the kid left diapers behind, or his/her rank-in-class in 2nd grade.
    
    The influence parents have on those fundamentals is quite enough to seem 
    daunting to me.  Even worse, these impacts are doubtless exercised
    considerably more by what we _do_ than by what we _say_.  Not that our
    explicit "lessons" are wholly trivial, they are just overwhelmed by
    the way we actually behave in between.
    
    		- Bruce

    Dottie (.1) took every word out of my mouth. 
    
    There is a combination of factors and parental influence does play a
    role. I don't really like the term influence but would prefer to use
    encourgagement. Physical things happen mostly at the child's rate of
    development. You cannot make a 6-month old crawl because you think it
    is time but you can provide the "tools" and encouragement to assist
    (like holding favorite toy just out a reach so the little one has to
    scoot forward to get it and use words of encouragement). 
    
    There is a good book out there called "Raising Children Who Love To
    Learn" written by the folks at Children's Television Workshop. It is
    basically light reading with practical ideas to help develop a child's
    natually curiosity starting from infancy. I know I've advocated it
    before here. Once you have helped your child realize that there a whole
    world to explore out there and shown them many ways to explore it, they
    will have developed a curiosity and appreciation for learning new
    things. 
    
    We have never forced our son to do anything but his personality also
    dictates that he will try things on his own. I'd definitely call him
    tenacious and persistent and those are characteristics in both my
    husband and I. Whether he developed those characteristics as a result
    of "living with us" or whether there is a herditary aspect, I'd say
    that it must be the result of a combination of both. 
    
    I'd say the best any parent can do is give sensible enouragement for
    the child's age and ability. If you are becoming frustrated because
    your child isn't "performing" at the level YOU want, maybe you need to
    look at yourself and not the child. If you are frustrated, imagine how
    frustrated the child must feel being pushed beyond a level they cannot
    even comprehend.
        
    Happy Parenting!!
    Andrea

    re: "Raising Children Who Love To Learn"

    Sounds like an interesting book - where can I find it?

    I found the book in a local book shop in the mall - Lauriets, I think.
    This was about 2 years ago though. Now that I think of it, I think the
    title is "Raising KIDS who love to learn" but the whole series of books
    has the CTW "street sign" on them.
    
    I just thought of a situation where excessive encouragement "back
    fired". Friends of ours were excessively keen on reading to, with and
    by their son. At age 1, he was enrolled in a book club, already had
    over 350 books and was "reading" at an age 4 level according to his
    mother. They assumed that since they were reading the infant and baby
    books at 3 months, that the child was grasping it all. He made attempts
    to say "elephant" before he could even say "cat" because when his
    speech finally came they were on the 4 year old books. He has ended up
    with a speech problem and even his father cannot understand him. They
    now have to go back to square one and unfortunately Dan is now making
    comments on how he doesn't speak well. As parents they assumed that he
    was keeping pace with them and totally forgot that he also he his own
    pace. 
    
    Andrea
          

    Anybody who's planning on raising a "better baby" should also read
    the biography of John Stuart Mill, a genius of the 19th century
    who could read and write Latin and Greek by the time he was 5 and
    who had a complete nervous breakdown at 24. 
    
    --bonnie

    
    
    From Doug's pediatrician, I learned that motor movements, (turning
    over, walking, etc.), were hereditary.  I also believe that
    propensities toward such things as math, reading, etc. are somewhat
    hereditary.  
    
    Where the parent comes in, is those interests can be encouraged and
    developed further as the time is right for the child.  Doug can be
    exceptionally analytical for a seven year old and has a better than
    average understanding of math concepts.  His reading is coming along
    nicely but for my expectations of what I had read, that reading to
    a child every day before he/she is one year's old would almost ensure
    an early reader was not true.  Between his school and home, the light
    bulb for the reading has just been lit.  I strongly associate his
    pattern of development with my own as a child.  
     
    His analytical talents are much more advanced then mine at his age due 
    to home stimuli--games such as checkers, stratego, cards (he has a very
    good understanding of hearts and crazy eights.  The math, we have
    discussed. He has the beginnings of understanding the commutative
    and distributive laws regards addition and multiplication.  
    
    Placing the child in an environment which will maximize his/her
    learning is about the most you can do.  In this environment, when he/she
    is ready, he/she will develop that area at a faster rate.  Definitely
    knowing when to back off is a key.  I have introduced Doug to things
    with a minimum of interest on his part, and then any where from 6
    months to 1 year later, he can't get enough of it. 
    
    Positive encouragement is a must.  Doug has mentioned to me that he is
    not the best reader in school.  I have told him that just because he
    may not believe is one of the best now, that he can't be next year. 
    It's important that he not develop the attitude that "This is the way
    it will always be."  I try to give examples as how I was not the best 
    at something like reading but later a teacher in another grade gave a 
    complement that I was a good reader.  We try to concentrate on the 
    positive with occassional suggestions which may help him do better.