Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    Kate:
    
    We've noticed that JA has been experiencing some "clinging" fits ... in
    other words, it's not "continuous" (thank God!), but there are those
    moments when she grabs the back of my legs, whines and tries to
    LITERALLY climb up into my arms!
    
    Now, as annoying as it can be at times, I did find if I picked her up,
    hugged and kissed her, craddled her for maybe 1-5 minutes (which can
    seem like an hour when you're trying to beat the clock), she'll usually
    let go of me and return to playing (or whatever).  If I try to ignore
    her, or side-track her, or change her mind ... or whatever ... it only
    seems to re-enforce her current demands for attention and affection.
    
    I also noticed that JA's "clinging fits" usually occur when she's tired,
    interested in what "I'm" doing, wants something, etc., so if I pick her
    up, give her the requested (well, demanded!) attention/affection and
    attempt to seek out what she's yearning for, the episode then
    dissipates much more quickly than trying to "sidetrack her".
    
    Dottie
    

    Kate,
    
    I have had similar problems with clinging and my daughter is 3.10 years
    old.  I am a single parent, but let me tell you she does not lack one
    bit for love and attention.  At this moment, we live with my parents,
    and she is the only granddaughter, so they love to give her attention
    to a spoiling (boiling for me) point.
    
    I have been very lucky with daycare and dropping her off in the
    morning, they providers talk to her from the start and bring her to the
    window to wave goodbye to me or they ask her if she would like to play
    with a certain toy or draw mommy a picture to give to her when she
    comes to pick you up.
    
    I think that you should talk to your daycare provider and ask them to
    help you during this time no matter how long it takes, in the long run
    it will help you and also make their (daycare) morning go a little bit
    better.  
    
    I don't think it is harmful for you son to follow you around the house
    and to want to be with you.  You have got to figure in the fact that he
    is away from you during the day and until he realizes that you are
    staying around at night he will be a little clingy. 
    
    I sympathize with the bathroom comment, my daughter still wants to come
    into the bathroom with me and she is almost 4 years old.  But, I draw
    the line with her and tell her that I need my privacy.  I only go into
    the bathroom, when she is using it, if she calls for me to help her. 
    Other than that, I want her to feel like a "Big Girl" and give her some
    responsibilities.  My daughter loves it when I allow her to brush her
    teeth on her own, she loves putting the toothpaste on the brush, etc...
    
    If you want to accomodate him now, don't think that he won't expect it
    later...
    
    I hope this helps a little!
    
    Julie

    Kate,
    
    Alex, who is also 2.5 years old, goes through the clinginess also. 
    When it does happen, I sit him on my lap and ask him if there's
    anything wrong.  Sometimes he says he wants to be hugged or held, he's
    sad or mad about something (i.e., his sister is picking on him), wants
    to be by me, etc.  It is hard to leave the house with a little face
    standing at the window crying or sad.  Fortunately, Daddy is there to
    comfort after I leave.  When I'm around, I try to comfort him the best
    I can.  They're only little for a little while.
    
    I know what you mean about wanting some privacy going to the bathroom!

    Kate,
    
    My son Daniel is almost 3, and has had spells of clinginess all his
    life. He was a real leech at 2.5, and I indulged him as much as I
    could stand (but I do have my limits, so sometimes I said no, and
    he squalled). I tried to remember that it wouldn't last forever. 
    
    I found that having some kind of goodbye ritual in the morning helped 
    (like waving out the window). It's a grin-and-bear-it situation. 
    He's much better now, by the way.
    
    Lucy                        

    I agree with most of the advice that's here already, but I did
    draw the line at letting Steven accompany me to the bathroom.  If
    he wouldn't wait outside, he got time out as soon as I was in a
    condition to enforce it.  Yes, they need extra comfort at this
    stage (though if you can get the other parent to share some of it,
    it helps), but you're also entitled to your privacy and your child
    needs to be gently taught to respect that and to understand that
    it doesn't mean you love him any less.
    
    --bonnie

    
    I'm rather concerned about the clingy behaviour of my little girl,
    Rosie, one and a half years old.  She's had a change in her daily
    routine recently.  I used to stay home in the mornings with her, then
    take her to my Mum's house in the afternoons while I worked.  No
    problems at all.  However, recently my partner has changed jobs and now 
    works shifts.  While he was unemployed I went back to work temporarily 
    full-time while he stayed home with Rosie.  We also had my partner's 
    ex-girlfriend and their little boy (Rosie's half-brother) to stay for 
    two weeks during this time, so that was another change for Rosie to cope 
    with.   We all get on well, I can't see that there was a stressful/tense 
    atmosphere and it was a happy two weeks with Rosie seemingly enjoying 
    having her 4 year old brother to play with.
    
    Our routine now is that I work one week full-time, one-week part-time
    fitting in with my partner's shifts, with us taking it in weekly turns
    to stay home with Rosie in the mornings and her going to my Mum's while
    we work afternoons.
    
    Rosie's behaviour has showed an obvious change which I believe may be
    related to anxiety.  She's become very clingy, crying if I so much as
    leave the room, screaming when I have to leave for work in the mornings
    and clinging to my legs.  She's also stopped going to bed easily - she
    used to go with no trouble whatsoever, but now screams and screams when
    I put her down and has also been waking up crying every night.  Of
    course I go straight to her and comfort her when this happens.  When
    she wakes in the mornings she always screams and screams until I go and
    get her up, whereas she used to be content to sit and play with her
    toys until I collected her.
    
    I believe she may be feeling insecure and anxious that when I leave I
    may not return.  However, I'm not at all sure how to cope with it and
    it is causing me a lot of heartache.  I'm also worrying that my own
    anxiety over the matter may add to Rosie's anxiety - in short, I'm
    getting in an emotional turmoil over it and even, in my worst moments, 
    wondering whether it would be best to give up my job and stay with her!  
    
    Can anyone refer me to a related topic in any of the Parenting files or 
    offer any advice?
                    
    Thanks.
    Ali
      

    Ali,
    
    Children are really creatures of habit and most any little change to
    their routine can upset them.  Rosie's had to deal lately, from the
    sounds of it, with a lot more than a little bit of change.  My boy,
    Markus hated vacations, even though he always had a wonderful time. 
    When we'd get home, he'd run around saying "MY house, MY bed, MY
    kitchen, etc."
    
    Now, you can't avoid the changes to your professional life and I also
    personnally think it wrong to "give in" (too harse a term but I mean
    there is room for compromise, you're a person too).
    
    So I think the solution is to establish as much routine in Rosie's life
    as you can that doesn't change.  Try also reading Ferber on separation
    anxiety.
    
    For example, keep your hours as absolutely regular as you can so that
    you always arrive at the same time, spend time with Rosie, have dinner
    always at the same time, establish a fixed drawn out bedtime routine
    with lots of focus on Rosie and follow it religiously.  I believe that,
    by controlling as much of the little things in her life, she will feel
    less anxious (over a period of time).
    
    Hope this helps.
    
    Cheryl

    
    Just a note to reassure anyone who's reading this who's having
    similar problems, but following my note at .6 it seems Rosie has settled 
    back down again now.  She's still a little clingy when I leave the room 
    etc. but getting better all the time and her bedtime routine has reverted 
    to it's usual straightforward pattern again.  She's also stopped waking 
    in the night.
    
    It does seem that the disturbance to Rosie's routines was to blame and
    now that she's back in a steady pattern again she's feeling more secure 
    and hence more settled.
    
    Phew!!
    Ali
    

    My twins have been clingy since I brought them home from the hospital
    and that was 3.5 years ago.  Now my 1.5 year old is the exact same way.
    I don't remember one time of leaving the room to change my clothes or
    do the laundry without one or all of the them yelling "MOMMY" and then
    coming to find me.  If I don't respond immediately they start crying. 
    
    I constantly pray that someday they will be able to entertain
    themselves and not have me in the same room with them all the time.  
    
    Don't misunderstand me, I love all 3 very much but oh would I love to
    do some work around the house without hearing "Mommy" all the time.  
    
    Does anyone have a suggestion?

Sounds like (for whatever reason) they need to learn to trust that you aren't 
leaving them forever.

I would suggest that for now you let them know when you are leaving the room,
where you are going, and when you will be back.  ("I'm going to the living room
to drop off these books; I'll be right back") Then make sure that you really
are only gone as long as you say.  When you leave them at daycare or with a 
sitter or friend, *always* say goodbye to them before you leave, and make sure
that they have heard you.  Again, let them know when you will be coming back
("after bedtime", "at bedtime", etc. can help, and sometimes you need to 
specify, too, that you *will* be there if they wake up in the middle of
the night and in the morning).

At first they will probably follow you.  Bit by bit, though, they should 
allow you to make short trips on your own, and then longer ones.  Once this
has occured, you should be able to start making short trips without announcing
them.

Good luck.  :-)

    Carol