Conference moira::parenting_v3

There are many notes in PARENTING in this version and in previous versions
about when to take away a pacifier (or *if* to take it away).  

As to your question about sleeping with one, my son is 2 1/2 and sleeps with
one and it doesn't bother us a bit.  We have a couple of pacifiers that we
(usually) keep in the crib with him, and we usually own about 3-4 pacifiers
total.  We sometimes put spares in a toy bucket for him, so they are easier
to find.  

Incidentally, the hard yellow pacifiers are especially helpful when they are
teething and they want something hard to bite.  My son finds a pacifier 
very comforting, and it is something that he can do for himself.

        Carol

    Kat always used a pacifier to get to sleep -- I don't remember
    very clearly but I think she was about 3 when she gave it up.  But
    she was never really satisfied by sucking her fingers or thumb.
    
    I found that it worked better in the long run than a lot of other
    techniques because, even though she needed the pacifier, she was
    learning to soothe herself to sleep instead of expecting me to do
    it for her.  I had to get up for a few months to find the pacifier
    when she woke up at night, but when she got old enough to look for
    it herself (sooner than you think) she could get herself back to
    sleep.  
    
    About the feedings, I can't say, because I never tried to use the
    pacifier as a substitute for a feeding (except for times like
    driving, when she had to wait a few minutes).  
    
    --bonnie

    
    I was always thankful for Hannah's pacifier, because it really was a
    comfort to her and it definetly helped her go to sleep.  I felt it made
    life easier for me because if she did wake up--I could just "plug" her
    back up and she would be right back asleep.
    
    I was starting to get worried when, by age 2, she showed no sign of
    giving up her "paci."  I didn't take it away or hide it or do anything
    else.  I continued to let her suck on it, but made up strict rules for
    her paci...ie: it could only be used in her bedroom, it could only be
    used in her bed, etc.
    
    Right around her 3rd birthday, we got her a new bed.  At that time, she
    announed that "big girls don't use paci's in their big girl bed."  We
    threw all the paci's out--and that's been the end of it.
    
    Similarly, Hannah's best friend Erin who lives up the street also just
    gave up her paci.  She is 3 as well.  One day she suddenly announced
    she was too big for a paci...and threw hers out as well.
    
    I'm not saying that the two girls don't ask for their paci's once in a
    while--but it's not a big deal when they're told that there are no more
    paci's in the house.  
    
    I don't know.  Just my opinion--I'd let her keep it until she's ready
    to leave it behind.  Obviously, it gives her some sort of
    comfort--what's the big deal if it's around for a while longer?
    
    Bonnie
    
     
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    
    
    By 5 months my son had become a real passie-addict. He would wake
    up during the night and cry for it...I agree, a real drag. He stopped
    needing night feedings at around 2 months, slept through the night
    from 2 mos to 4 mos, then started the night waking. Once one of us
    popped the pac. back in, he'd doze right off. We ended up taking
    it away cold-turkey before he was 6 mos -- couldn't deal with the
    constant waking. He cried some for it the first night, then seemed
    to accept his fate. He never started using thumbs or fingers.
    
    It sounds like you really need your sleep - I urge you not to be
    overly afraid of causing your daughter misery (as I was) - at least 
    try taking it away. If she really freaks out, you can revise your 
    plans. Good luck!
    
    Lucy   

I had the exact same problem.  Kati loved (and STILL loves) her "peta."  But
I just couldn't stand waking up at night, looking for it, and popping it back
in her mouth.

After reading Ferber's Book ("Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems," mentioned
in several other notes) I was convinced that Kati would have to find a way to
go to sleep by herself without any help.

The first 2 or 3 nights were difficult - she wanted it when she went to bed.
But it only took a short while for her to establish her new pattern of going to
bed without it.  She still likes it while riding in the car, and when she is
cranky or sleepy, but at bed time she does not get it.

Perhaps that is worth a try?

Kristen

P.S.  I must admit that on those nights that something DOES wake her up, I
occasionally give her the "peta" to go back to sleep!

    RE: .- a few
    
    Both of my kids used pacifiers for a while.  My son  (almost 2) still
    has one only at bedtime.  We attach it to his shirt with a clip and
    short piece of ribbon.  My wife found this at some store.  You simple
    loop the ribbon thru the "handle" and it has a piece of velcro on it
    that completes the loop.
    
    As far as weaning from the pacifier.  Our opinion is that as long as
    the child is not dependent upon it for everything (eg walking and
    playing all day with it in his/her mouth), there is no problem.  More
    and more frequently, my son is waking up without the pacifier and not
    complaining.  I suspect that by 2-1/2, he'll do without it completely. 
    This is what happened with my daughter.  Please note that this occurred
    without any prompting from either my wife or me.
    
    Dan

    We had the same problem with my daughter.  Our solution?  We bought
    3 more pacifiers and sprinkled them around the bed, figuring she'd
    always be able to find one.
    
    The result?  She became very attached to every single one of them, and
    would wake up in a panic, or refuse to go to sleep if every one of
    them wasn't there to be found.
    
    Since the probability of finding 4 pacifiers is smaller than the
    probability of finding one, we wished we'd stuck to one at a time.
    
    :-)

    As this string illustrates, infants and parents may vary more on
    pacifier needs and practices than just about anything else.  I myself
    incline toward pacifier-permissiveness.  But what weird names.  Doesn't
    everyone call them "binkies"?
    
    Here's the Collier secret.  From birth, Aaron sucked so hard he'd pop
    his binky across the room.  The nursery staff suggested tieing an
    infant undershirt through the handle.  It was great!  At that age, it
    gave the thing enough mass so that it didn't pop out.  It also turned
    out to have many other advantages, too.  For example, when dropped by a
    carried infant, it would usually catch on parental clothes, rather than
    fall (unnoticed?) to the ground.  It made it easy to spot.  And it
    never got mixed up with another child's (not that I'm against generous
    sharing of germs).  It also made it into a general purpose
    security-comfort object (known as a "schmata" to the technically
    pure-at-heart).   As with a security blanket, trouble came primarily
    with washing when dirty.  With experience, we learned mostly just to
    let it get dirtier. Also, to have multiple ones in circulation all the
    time, comparably soaking up experience, love, and dirt, so that
    occasionally misplacing one or another was never a trauma.  This was a
    staple item for both my kids, up to about age three. We ended up with
    no hand-me-down newborn undershirts, as they all got incorporated into
    binkies.
    
    Needless to say, this also meant that the binky very rarely fell out of
    the crib at night, or was not easily found by a half-awake infant. 
    
    		- Bruce
    
    p.s.  As an indication of Aaron's champion level newborn sucking, I
    could pull him and his cart up and down the 100 yard hall from the
    hospital nursury with no contact other than my thumb in his mouth!
    However, I would recommend this method for any kid, such as Eric, whose
    sucking was closer to normal.

    Well my three oldest kids used pacifiers and the youngest used her
    thumb. Since the older kids were all weaned from the pacifiers by
    age three and my younger daughter didn't give up thumb sucking until
    7 I'd recommend pacifiers over thumbs. ;-)
    
    With our oldest we followed the advice of the baby books and forced
    him to give up his pacifier at age 1. The result was that he had
    problems going to sleep for a long time after that. So for #2 and #3
    we let them use the paci until they had their third birthday at which
    point they threw them away. The only problem with this was that
    they were all sleeping in the same room at that time . I was afraid
    that Peter would decide he wanted Judy's paci but he seemed to enjoy
    being 'older' than her and never complained. We had *lots* of
    pacifiers. We used to line them up on the window sill every morning 
    to be sure we knew where they were at nap time and bed time. When they
    were in cribs the multiple pacifier in the crib trick seeme to work
    well.
    
    Bonnie

    All 3 of ours used pacifiers (in our home they're called "suckers").
    The first tow gradually (by 18-24 mos? I don't honestly remember)
    weaned to just having them at bed/nap times and in the car, then just
    in bed. Then we'd start "forgetting" to give it to them at bed time
    unless they asked for it. Eventually, it got forgotten and given
    up...by about 2.5 with our first, 2.1 with our second. Our third,
    Daniel, no longer needs it at beditme (he is 17 mos), but does still
    like it once in a while when hurt, or very frustrated with something he
    is trying to do. 
    All three kids went through the losing it at night, and mom or dad
    having to grope for it and pop it back in. We always had several...one
    in bed with the kid, and a bunch more on the dresser top, so we could
    just grab a new one and pop it in...we'd look for 'em all in the
    morning. They do learn to find 'em by themselves amazingly fast...by
    about 5-6 mos. in all our cases (unless they get knocked onto the
    floor, in which case they can't find them! :-(  ).
    Sucking is a basic biological need....very storng in some babies,
    weaker in others, but present in all but the very developmentally
    delayed. I would not personally recommend taking it from her unless you
    feel utterly backed into a corner and hopeless. She is sucking it
    because she *needs* to. While she may find her fingers, she may not.
    This phase will not likely last much longer...its one of the joys
    (??????) of parenting!
    
    --dave--

I have to agree with the advice of not trying to take it away until the child 
is ready to give it up, and certainly not when the child is only a few months 
old.  We had one pacifier baby and one thumb sucker, and I'll take the 
pacifier baby any time.

I like the ideas in .6 and .8.  One technique NOT to use is to tie it on a 
string around the baby's neck.  This is an extremely dangerous practice that 
could lead to strangulation.  

Clay

    My 4 month old (today!) daughter, Jaclyn, was *born* with her binky in her
    mouth!  Then one day, about a month ago, we went to the beach 
    "with out the binky" (horror, horror), well, Jackie found her thumb,
    and since it's already attached to her body (!) she's used it ever
    since.   It certainly makes it easier on Mom and Dad!! Dr. Spock
    says that thumbsucking is not harmful and better than binky use
    since the child can do it independently (fwiw).
    
    RJ (26 months old) on the other hand, would dramatically refuse
    any offer of a binky, never seemed to associate his thumbs or fingers
    with something to knaw on, but, to this day, will wake up in the
    middle of the night (I think he's slept through the night a total
    of 7 nights since he's been born) and demand the ba-ba!! I keep
    one in his room (sometimes filled with water, sometimes empty -
    whatever works).  He, in turn, "throw the ba-ba in the garbage"
    every morning before leaving for day care!!
    
    I'd rather have a thumbsucker (Jaclyn just pops it in her mouth,
    then falls back asleep!) anyday.  But, then again, you learn what
    habits *not* to fall into quicker with your second than you did
    with your first!!    
    
    Meg (who loves to use parentheses (evidently))!!

    A friend of mine tied the pacifier (we always called it a "plug")
    to the arm of her daughter's teddy bear.  Since the first thing
    the daughter always wanted to do was snuggle up to the bear, the
    second thing she found was the pacifier she needed, and Mom seldom
    had to wake up (except when, horror of horrors, bear fell out of
    the crib . . . )
    
    --bonnie

We call them "plugs" at our house too.  We always allowed Matt to use a plug
when he was a baby.  But I vowed I wouldn't let him use it as a toddler. I
hate seeing 2 yr. olds with those things in their mouths.

He always needed it for sleeping.  Yes, we went thru a stage where we'd have to
get up in the middle of the night and pop it back in, but it didn't seem to
last too long.  (And my husband would often be the one who would get up, and
not even remember doing so the next day!)

During the day, he was pretty indifferent about it, until he started walking.
Then, whenever he saw a plug lying around the house, he would pop it into his
mouth.  This is when the daytime habit began. (However, he NEVER asked for it
at daycare, even during naps!)

In the previous Parenting file, many noters said they waited until their child
was 3 before making them give it up. "Why force them to give up their comfort
objects?"  I decided to follow that timetable.

One rule : When Matt turned 2, he was not allowed to take his plug out of the
house (unless we were on a trip.)  He started using it less and less, forgetting
about it at night.  Now, at 2.3, he asks for it about once/2 weeks, when he
is really upset about someting, and never uses it at night.

� �ori �

    
    JA was a "plug" baby.  She even had multi-colored plugs and lifelines
    (those ribbons which snap to the bib to hang the plug on "at all
    times"!!).  The only time she didn't have it "handy" was when she was
    taking a bath  (go ahead everyone -- FLAME on me! ...).
    
    Jim/I set a time limit - 6 months ... then each and every plug would
    disappear!  Well, around 5 months "she" decided she didn't need it as
    much (we didn't attach it during the day, laid in in her crib to "find"
    if she needed during the night ... kind of like it's there for the
    seeking when the urge arises).  'Round about 6 months, it disappeared
    more and more and we'd only give it to her ON DEMAND!  What we found
    was, she wasn't sucking on it ... but CHEWING on it.  Sure enough, she 
    was teething and the plug was her teething ring.  After biting through
    the liquid teething rings, we decided to let her keep the plug until
    the teeth broke through.  After that, she NEVER missed her plug!
    
    She's never sucked her thumb or fingers (reason we were so generous
    with the plug was we felt we could shelf the plug, but tough to shelf
    the fingers!).
    
    Now, however, (at 1 year) she cradles a bottle around the house 
    (mostly water).  Jim/I decided this morning we had best switch over to
    "HER cup" during the day and hold the bottle for naps and bedtiime only.
    
    The other day she must have found her "favorite plug" (God only knows
    where!) and was walking around the house with it in her mouth.  Looked
    so ridiculous at her age and having not seen it for 5 months!  Cracked
    me up!  Soon after, she flung it and then I trashed it.
    
    Bottom line:  JA "lost interest" in her plug - never sucked her thumb
    or finger - and is now cradling a bottle under her arm.
    
    I'd let your daughter keep it a little longer, make it less visible and
    see if she loses interest in it "on her own".
    
    my 2 cents!
    Dottie
    

    I always like the pacifier notes, because it's been an ongoing dilemma
    for me since Ryan was born. From the minute he came home from the
    hospital, he sucked on anything and everything you put in his mouth. I
    spent the first night home with a finger in his mouth, when he wasn't
    nursing.  The pacifier was his joy.
    
    When he started crawling at 6 months, we started leaving "paci" in the
    crib for naps and bedtime. Yes, there was a time when we'd have to get
    up to find it for him at night, but they do quickly learn to find it on
    their own.
    
    Since about 18 months (he's now 2), he does not use a paci at the
    sitter's house - she just told him she doesn't have one anymore - and
    he sleeps well there. So, my fears of him being able to sleep without
    it have been allayed.  At home, he does have his paci in the crib for
    naps and bedtime, and in the car on long trips.  We do have a rule that
    he has to stay in his room (like sit in his rocker when in need of
    comfort).  Some weeks he's in there every 5 minutes, other times he
    doesn't look for it til bedtime.
    
    One comment after reading all the replies - the sucking instinct,
    especially for kids who are hard suckers - doesn't really start to
    leave til 12 months. So I guess my feeling is that if your child uses a
    paci and seems to need it,don't force them to give it up til 12 months.
    
    I have finally reconciled myself to the reality that most children need
    a security or comfort object, and the paci is Ryan's. I personally
    prefer that to a thumb, since whether thumbsucking is harmful or not
    may be debated, it is definitely difficult to rid the habit.
    
    Lynn
    

Am I the only one who doesn't like thumbsucking because the thumb gets
so gross after being sucked on?  I hate having to hold hands with a 
hand that has just had the thumb in the mouth.  

Maybe every other parent's "gross instincts" have gone away.  I still
have a couple of mine.  Yuk.  :-}

        Carol

    Carol
    
    I didn't like holding Jessie's hand after she'd thumb sucked either..
    
    and she developed a large callus (fortunately long gone) on the ball
    of her thumb.
    
    Bonnie

.7 made me laugh!  Kathryne never attatched to anything BUT her pacifier!
It got to the point where we'd sprinkle about 6 in her crib and what a
riot to see her when she woke up with one in the mouth and two in each
hand!  She probably would have held them with her toes if she figured
out how.

I think she was around 2 or so when she got off them.  It just happenned
that we forgot to bring one to daycare one day.  I called mid-morning
offering to bring one in, but her teacher said she was doing fine.
For a few months she had one when she got home and at night, then the
last one got lost (so I thought).  She really did pretty well for a few
days, then the cat decided to crawl under her crib, she went after it,
and there was the darn thing!  Well, shortly after that I lied and told
her the cat took it (hopefully she won't be scarred for life and become
a criminal over it :-).   )

One of the funniest videos we have of her is where she' stark naked,
wearing my bright red shoes and sucking the pacifier!  (talk about
first-date blackmail!)

    My son was sent to my room from the nursery with a pacifier (we call
    them "buttons") in his mouth - I knew we had trouble if nursery nurses
    needed to plug him!  Since he developed colic shortly thereafter, the
    button was a godsend.  He is 9 months old, and only uses it for
    bedtime. I bought a "NUK" brand that glows in the dark, so he can find
    it himself if it's in the crib.  And I can find it easier if he
    throws it out of the crib in the middle of the night! It also makes a
    great night light - if it's in his mouth, I can see his face when I
    look in on him.  I have never even attempted to wean him from it, but I
    can see little by little that he needs it less.  We no longer take it
    with us on day trips, and sometimesssssss he falls asleep with a toy in
    his arms instead of the button in his mouth.  I'd say don't sweat it.
    Life it tough enough on them without adding the stress of  giving up a
    very important comfort item before they are ready.

    Here's my story of PURE LUCK!  AJ had some kind of orthodontic pacifier
    that he had from birth, it was hillarius in NICU since we swear the
    thing was bigger than him!  He was a vigourous sucker, and for his
    first 7 days he couldn't have anything by mouth due to his surgery at
    birth (another long story).  Anyway to make a long story short, we were
    living with my inlaws until AJ was 4 months old, and somewhere in the
    process of moving it fell out of the carriage, we'd keep him in the
    carriage while we were fixing the house up prior to the furnitue
    arriving, and was never seen again.  I went out and bought several
    other look-alikes but either they wern't the same or he's already
    decided he could live without the thing.  
    
    The only other time I attempted to get him to take a pacifier was when
    we were waiting for him to go for one of his surgeries, he was about 6
    months old, and couldn't have anything by mouth for several hours.  I
    tried hospital issued pacifiers, bottle nipples, and even my finger he
    refused all of these, of course he wanted some REAL food!
    
    The other extreme was my niece who was around 3 and still sucking a
    pacifier, she know how to talk with it, run and play with it and was
    even aware that is was not really acceptable any more.  We used to joke
    that you could pick her up and carry her by her pacifier.  But
    eventually she too got rid of hers, so be patient!
    
    I guess loosing the pacifier in the move was pure luck!!
    Lyn
    

    All kids are different but here's our experience...I was totally
    against pacifiers (binkies) before my son was born and was FURIOUS
    when he came back from the nursery at about 1 hour old with a plug
    in his mouth.  Well, my tune changed after one day of breast feeding
    the power sucker.  Around 4-5 months Josh started showing little
    interest in the pacifiers and showed more interest in chewing on
    the edge of a cloth diaper that we kept under his chin for dribbles,
    etc.  He never sucked his thumb but did occasionally chew on a finger.
    Since he started getting teeth at 4 months (18 now at 15 months)
    we provided lots of teething toys but even then he seemed to prefer
    a bottle over anything else--to drink, eat, and chew on!!!  He teethed
    on his bottles chomping and pulling on the nipples.  At his 1 year
    check up the doctor suggested he be off the bottle by his next checkup
    @ 15 months because of tooth decay/jaw structure with all those
    teeth.  Josh gave up the binkie at 4-5 months and the bottle at
    13 months with relative ease--again all those teeth have a lot to
    do with it.  He'd much rather have a milkshake out of a cup then
    a bottle any day.  I'm telling you-this kid is ready to eat steak!!
    He does not seem to need to suck for comfort at all any more and
    seems to get more out of hugs and kisses then he did from the bottle
    or binky in the way of comfort.  He also loves on a variety of animals
    (stuffed) but doesn't seem to rely on one.
    
    Just our experience...
    Pam

    Thanks for all the suggestions.  It helps knowing that we are not
    alone with our paci-addict daughter.  I LOVED some of your stories.

    We have decided to let Michelle keep her paci.  At 5+ months she 
    still has a very strong need to suck.  Last week she cut
    her first tooth - definitely not the right time to take her beloved
    pacifier away from her.  And this week she has become much more adept
    at finding her paci in the middle of the night - so we are getting
    more sleep.

    I might add that we no longer pop the paci in her mouth when she 
    cries - we just move a couple into view.  She actually prefers to
    pop them into her mouth by herself.  Of course, some times she can't
    decide if she wants the one in her left hand, or the one in her right
    hand - she will just keep switching back and forth between the left
    then the right, then back to the left...

My Michelle is also in this situation and I also thank you all for the replies 
and advice.  I think the main thing I learned is that you need to follow the 
lead of your child and she will tell you what to do.  For us, for now, that 
means Michelle needs/wants her pacifier and I will have to get up at night and 
give it to her.  (It is amazing how well it works, like a drug almost.)

But will it really take another 1.5 to 2 months before she can get it herself 
in the middle of the night?  Woe is me...

Kyra

You know I actually feel lucky that Michelle takes a pacifier because a friend
of mine has a baby the same age who will not and when she cries there's nothing
her mother can do to 'pacify' her.  And yes she has tried everything (what
mother doesn't?).

Kyra

re: .24

>For us, for now, that 
>means Michelle needs/wants her pacifier and I will have to get up at night and 
>give it to her.  (It is amazing how well it works, like a drug almost.)

>But will it really take another 1.5 to 2 months before she can get it herself 
>in the middle of the night?  

It might.  But in another couple of weeks, you will be able to go into her 
rooom, retrieve the pacifier, and go back to bed, without waking up.

:^)

Clay

    My son will not take a pacifier.  He spit it out the first time they
    tried to give it to him in the hospital.  I'm very glad about the fact
    that he won't take a pacifier.  I hate those things with a passion! 
    I'm lucky that he's such a good baby though. He only cries when he's
    hungry or wet.  If he starts sucking on his hands, I give him a bottle
    and he's fine for another three hours or so (at least 8 at night).  He
    hasn't woken up in the middle of the night since he's 7 weeks old.  I
    put him to sleep at 9:00 p.m. and he sleeps until 6:00 or 6:30 a.m.  I
    think the reason most babies need pacifiers is because the parents
    insist on giving them to the baby.  I always said that when my baby was
    born I would not give him a pacifier (because I hate them so much!), I
    didn't, and he doesn't even know that they exist.  Besides, what
    did mother's do before they were invented?
    
    Lori B.

    The oldest pacifier known is about 1800 years old . . . it was
    found in an excavation on the Danube somewhere in central Europe.
    
    It's made of leather and wood -- a leather nipple that appears to
    have been stuffed with something greasy, perhaps animal fat pulled
    through a hole in the middle of a wooden disk.  The leather was
    tied on the back so it wouldn't pull back through the disk. 
    
    --bonnie

    re .27
    I find your belief that babies only need pacifiers because parents give
    them a little farfetched. 

    .27 
    
    I think you hit it when you said "I'm lucky that he's such a good
    baby, though." If you ever have an unhappy, miserable baby you'll
    probably want to do anything you can to make your child feel better.
    
    A pacifier can be a god-send, and I congratulate parents who are 
    openminded enough to give up prejudices in the face of reality.
    (Prejudices like "no baby should ever sleep in its parents' bed"
    or "pacifiers are bad" or "if I don't nurse my baby for one year 
    I'm a failure" etc.)
    
    Lucy
    

    Well I'll tell ya, my mother felt the same way about pacifiers that I
    do and she never gave one to any of us kids (there are four of us) and
    we all turned out to be very well adjusted people.
    
    All of my friends that have allowed their children to use pacifiers
    have "pacifier addicts" one of them has a nine year old that had the
    pacifier until she was five and now she still sucks her thumb and her
    nine month old also will not sleep without it.
    
    My nephew cried an awful lot as a baby, but my sister-in-law also hates
    pacifiers and never gave one to him either, he's a very well behaved, very
    well adjusted 3 year old.
    
    There's an article in one of my baby magazines (if I remember, I'll
    bring it in tomorrow and enter it) about pacifiers.  One of the things
    that was mentioned is that a pacifier should never be used in place of
    comforting.  Alot of the time when a baby cries, he/she is in search of
    comforting.  Alot of parents don't think twice about automatically
    "plugging" their child up as soon as a little peep comes out of their
    mouth.  Let the child cry, it's good for their developing lungs!
    
    Lori B.

    Lori,
    
    I think what bothers me most about your comment that went something
    like...What did they do years ago...is that it sounds exactly like
    something my mother-in-law would say when Eric was an infant and
    I did something different than the way she used to.  It used to
    make me so angry when she used that phrase with me.
    
    Anyway, Eric is almost 15 months old and he only uses his pacifier
    to go to sleep.  I personally do not like to see kids with a
    pacifier constantly in their mouths, but I would not begin to 
    judge a parent whose child does that.  I didn't plan on using a
    pacifier for Eric but when he wouldn't calm down and the nurse
    suggested one, I went along with it.  I don't regret it for a
    second.  I also spend most of my time holding Eric (less, now
    that he'd rather play), but when he was an infant I held him
    constantly - not just to comfort him, but because I loved to.
    I would hate to think you are suggesting parents who use 
    pacifiers don't pay enough attention to their children or don't
    take the time to comfort them.
    
    Donna

<    Let the child cry, it's good for their developing lungs!
    
It was stated in the earlier version of PARENTING, and I will state it
again here: a fullterm baby is born with fully developed lungs.  There is
nothing in crying that helps them in any way.  

My view is that if a child is happier with a pacifier, then let the child
have the pacifier.  If they are just as happy with one, or don't like them,
then don't use them.

Incidentally, what parents did without pacifiers is the same thing that many
of them in other countries do now: they let the child suck and chew on the 
parent's finger.

         Carol

    You must be selective in your reading. Babies have a need to suck that
    is not always satisfied with nursing. That's where the pacifier comes
    in. My baby sucked her thumb in utero. It is also said that breastfed
    babies will less likely require the additional sucking of the pacifier.
    
    Not all babies are alike in their comforting requirements. If I
    remember correctly, your baby is just a couple months old?  My
    daughter started sucking her thumb at four months and she was
    breastfed for 18 months. You may in for a surprise when your baby goes
    through a developmental change and starts to require more sucking. 
    
    Well, good luck and remember to keep an open mind because you may need
    to throw aside your old beliefs and deal with the reality of your baby.
    
    - Jan

    
    Lori,
    My daughter used her pacificier ALOT until her 3rd birthday.  Around
    her 3rd birthday, she decided she didn't want it anymore and that was
    that.  I don't know if she would have been any happier or unahappier
    without a pacifier--all I know is when they gave it to her in the
    hospital, she took to it like a duck takes to water.  Obviously, for
    whatever reasons, she liked it.  I never had a problem with her
    attachement to it and always felt that she would give it up on her own.
    
    She was a cuddled, held, non-attention-starved baby--believe me.  She
    is now a very well-adjusted 3 year old for whom a "paci" is but a fond
    memory.
    
    I strongly doubt that her kindergarten, junior-high, or high-school
    teachers will blame any kind of misbehavior on the fact that her
    parents let her have a pacifier when she was little.  
    
    The bottom line is that most of us have happy well-adjusted kids.  The
    means to getting there differs from family to family.  Our family uses
    pacifiers (if the child will take it)--yours doesn't.  Our family
    stuffs our turkey at Thanksgiving with bread stuffing.  Maybe yours
    uses rice.  So what?
    
    Please don't judge someone elses parenting or be so harsh on people who
    do things differently than you or your family.  Your mom may have
    raised 4 well-adjusted kids without pacifiers.  I'm sure there are moms
    who have raised large well-adjusted families with pacifiers.  I've
    never seen a kid go to school with a pacifier or still in diapers.  One
    way or the other, all kids grow up.  The means to getting there is
    different in every family.
    
    Bonnie
    
    

    .27 > I hate those things with a passion! 
    
    That's quite clear, Lori, but one can be passionate without being right. 
    
    Kids vary tremendously in the strength of their sucking instinct.  My
    first son would have sucked himself inside out if he hadn't been given
    a pacifier.  Number two would probably have survived fairly well, but
    he would certainly have been a bit less happy if his parents hadn't
    gotten over their anti-pacifier prejudices the first time.  And then
    there are kids like yours, who couldn't care less.  I hope if a
    subsequent kid of yours is a super-sucker, that you can accept it.
    
    		- Bruce
    

>    Kids vary tremendously in the strength of their sucking instinct.  My
>    first son would have sucked himself inside out if he hadn't been given
>    a pacifier.  
    
    What a great description, Bruce!  Sounds just like David.  He
    would suck frantically on his hand, alternately screaming and
    gagging.  But if he wasn't hungry, he wouldn't take a breast or a
    bottle. And when the fierce sucking urge passed at about 5 or 6
    months, he suddenly quit using it.  Was totally uninterested in
    it.
    
    Steven, on the other hand, wouldn't have a thing to do with a
    pacifier.  
    
    And Kat didn't care either way.  Liked it when there was one
    around, especially at bedtime, but didn't have any problems if
    there wasn't.
    
    --bonnie    

re: .27

Who ever said a child who used a pacifier *wasn't* well-adjusted?  When I
see a child or teen-ager, or adult for that matter, misbehave, I don't say
"gee, that person must have used a pacifier".  Doesn't that sound silly?

Sometimes when Michelle is sleepy, she starts to get fussy and rubs her
eyes and they start to get droopy.  Most times when I put her down, she
falls right to sleep.  But other times, she cries when I put her down.
If I pick her up and cuddle her and rock her, sometimes she *still* cries.
But when I put the pacifier in her mouth, it actually calms her down
enough for her to realize, "hey, all I have to do is shut my eyes and I
will go to sleep".  Her pacifier is very helpful to her.

Kyra

    After reading these responses I am wondering when Samantha, or if
    Samantha, will ever find her "Paci" by herself.
    
    Samantha would not take a pacifier in the beginning.  We tried it
    several times and she wanted no part of it.  I was able to nurse her
    for 6 months, and it was after I stopped nursing that I noticed the
    pacifier more important to her.  (Only to sleep)  
    
    Just recently the Pedi told me that it was essential that I get
    Samantha off the bottle. I was afraid that she would require the
    pacifier more often, but this was not the case.
    
    Samantha is now 22 months old and she has a pacifier only in her crib. 
    But in the middle of the night she loses it and you can hear her
    calling out "Mommy, where's Paci, where'd paci go?"  When we go into
    her room her eyes are still closed and she is moving all around her bed
    looking for "Paci".  She will also call out for her blanket, that is
    ussually under her head.
    
    We have tried everything from many in the crib, to putting them between
    her animals to coral them.  We haven't tied one to her, but I don't
    think that I will.  
    
    We discussed this with her Pedi and she said that she may be having
    some problems sleeping.  She is reassured when we go into the room and
    calms down immediately.  There have been nights that we have waited
    several minutes before going in to her room.  We listen for her
    responses.  The only problem I have with this is we may wait too long
    and she will be awake for the night, rather than still somewhat asleep.
    
    We have decided that when Samantha is ready to give up her pacifier she
    will tell us, we will not force the issue.
    
    Regards,
    Cheryl

    Cheryl,
    
    I have a wall hanging with 2 pockets in the bottom over my daughters
    crib. Justine is 20 months old and just recently started using the 
    pacifier again (she was a b ig thumb sucker). She will put all of her
    treasures in the pockets, binkies, ribbons (she has a strange habit of
    rubbing silky ribbons between her fingers). She can find her binkie on
    her own. Just an idea.

    Cheryl,
    NUK makes a pacifier with a glow in the dark handle.  Maybe Samantha
    can be taught to look for the glow to find her paci?  I didn't realize
    the new ones I bought for David glowed until I put him down in the dark
    with it...thought he had a nuclear reactor in there with him! But it
    helps me find it easier when he flings it out of the crib then cries to
    have it back.  I also put four of them in there, so he is bound to find
    ONE during the night.  Funny to walk into his room in the morning to
    see him with a big grin on his face, one button in his mouth, and three
    in his little hands!  Almost like he found a treasure!
    Sarah
    

The following article was taken from Baby Care magazine without permission.  I 
am entering it because of all the flaming I received in response to the reply I 
entered.  This article was written by a professional, and it backs up 
everything I believe.

Lori B.



		THE PLACE OF PACIFIER AND THUMB


A new grandmother proudly appraised her daughter's first child: "Oh, she's 
darling.  So precious."  Then she pronounced a grandmotherly edict: "Don't you 
let her suck her thumb or a pacifier.  Nobody in our family ever sucked her 
thumb."

Feelings about thumbs and pacifiers can be intense.  Some detest such 
behavior; others, trying to cope with an irritable baby, are quick to pop a 
pacifier into a wailing mouth.

Parents should understand that nearly all infants try to suck something 
besides the breast or bottle nipple, but only approximately half ultimately 
become real thumb or pacifier addicts.  About three out of four of those who do 
develop the habit begin by three months, and almost all start by five months of 
age.

Why do some babies but not others acquire this practice?  Two points of view 
have been the focus of considerable debate by experts.

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, felt that infants had an 
instinctual need to suck on things.  It was as if each child were required to 
perform a certain amount of sucking.  If nursing at the breast or bottle was 
not enough, then that child would suck on other things-thumb, pacifier, 
pencils, cigarettes-now or later in life, to accomplish the required amount.  
And either excessive or insufficient sucking in infancy was thought to lead to 
certain personality characteristics later in childhood.

Opposing this view are professionals who believe that nature disposes infants 
to suck purely as a means of feeding and survival, and that sucking for 
purposes other than feeding is a habit that is learned.  If babies are not 
encouraged to suck on objects, it is reasoned, they won't learn to do it, and 
they won't suffer any ill effects.

While research results on the matter are not totally conclusive, the learning 
explanation is favored.  For example, one study showed that infants may first 
learn to suck their thumbs in bed.  Babies placed face down in their cribs turn 
their heads to one side, their arms on that side reflexively extend upward, 
their hands touch their mouths, and they automatically suck on hands or thumbs. 
When this sequence of events was prevented in an experiment, by using special 
mittens, infants were less likely to suck their thumbs.

In a more crucial test of this questions, some infants were reared on special 
cups and did not have to suck for food.  There was no evidence that this caused 
any frustration; the infants simply didn't learn to do as much sucking as 
babies reared on the breast did.

Finally, no evidence supports the notion that too much or too little sucking 
during infancy leads to a specific personality style later in life.

But while thumb-sucking may simply be a learned bait, can't it lead to dental 
problems?  Although this is possible, most-but not all-thumb suckers give up 
the practice before permanent teeth arrive.  If, however, the habit does 
persist and threatens the alignment of teeth, a dentist will be able to 
determine whether the behavior is really worth worrying about and, if so, will 
provide effective treatment.  This a is better approach for you than yanking 
the offending thumb out of your infant's mouth or painting it with essence of 
hot pepper.

While pacifier sucking rarely develops into a serious problem, you don't need 
to encourage the practice either.  If you do find the pacifier useful, try to 
use it sparingly, perhaps only to soothe tender gums when your infant is 
teething.  And when you baby needs comforting, take time to calm him or her in 
more intimate ways.

		-Robert B. McCall, Ph.D. 

re .42,

Quit remarkable.  The whole point of the article is to demonstrate that 
thumb sucking and pacifiers are no big deal, one way or the other; and 
then, out of the blue, the author comes out with "If you do find the 
pacifier useful, try to use it sparingly..." in the last paragraph, 
with no justification.  It's as if he hadn't read the rest of the article
that he'd just finished writing!

	-Neil

    re: .43
    
    No, the whole point of the article is not to demonstrte that thumb 
    sucking and pacifiers are no big deal, but rather that neither should 
    be encouraged.  Nothing irks me more than when I see a baby spitting
    his pacifier out and the mother immediately puts the pacifier back
    in the baby's mouth, and the baby isn't even crying.

    It's been said before, but it bears repeating:  so much depends on
    the individual baby and what will comfort it. 
    
    All three of my kids were different: 
    
    *  I think the eldest was born sucking her finger, and has had
    something in her mouth constantly ever since then.  Finger,
    bottle, toy, corner of a blanket, any old thing she picked up off
    the floor, even the dog's tail once.  I taught her to use a
    pacifier because I at least had some chance of keeping it
    reasonably clean, which is more than you could say for the dog's
    bones.  Right now I don't remember how old she was when she gave
    it up -- around two, I'd guess.  It was no big deal.  She still
    constantly sucks and chews on something, usually cough drops, gum
    or a pen cap.  Just like her mother.
    
    * The second wouldn't have a thing to do with thumb, pacifier, or
    anything else in his mouth, and was interested in the bottle only
    as long as it was the most efficient way of getting food.
    
    * The youngest had bouts of urgent sucking when he'd alternately
    howl and suck frantically on his fist -- but he couldn't get it
    far enough into his mouth to really satisfy this imperative need. 
    He wouldn't take a breast or bottle if he was full, and rocking or
    stroking wouldn't comfort him.  But a pacifier calmed him
    instantly.  The urgent sucking need and the interest in the
    pacifier both ended at about 5 or 6 months.  
    
    So -- did I teach my kids to use pacifiers? Yes.  Did it do any 
    harm?  No, and I think it benefitted the youngest quite a lot. 
    Were there any long term problems?  No.  Would I do it again? You
    bet.  
    
    --bonnie

    Lori,
    
    What bothered me most about your first note against pacifiers wasn't
    so much that you hate them, but that I felt you suggested parents
    who used pacifiers didn't take the time to comfort their children
    by holding them, etc.  I feel the author of the article you entered
    also suggests the same thing and I resent it coming from him, too.
    
    I feel Neil is right on, the author says neither thumb sucking or
    pacifier sucking are a big deal, cause dental problems, etc, etc,
    then he concluded the article with his obvious bias against them.
    
    Donna
                                                

    
    I have spoken to my pediatrician about the pacifier (as I am now
    expecting #2) and once again, it is a widely accepted MEDICAL belief
    that pacifiers (or thumbs) do NO HARM AT ALL to those babies who will
    accept them.
    
    I fully intend to introduce a pacifier to my #2 the minute he/she is
    born (well, maybe not the minute, but you get the idea).  If the baby
    takes it--Great!  If not, que sera sera...so it goes.
    
    Like I said before, it does no harm at all (this is proven).  Each and
    every one of us has our own values and beliefs.  While you may not
    agree with using pacifiers, I like to use them.  I'm sure my children
    and your children will end up equally well-adjusted adults, all things
    considered.
    
    Let's not go down a rathole on this issue.  Can we just leave it that
    you don't like pacifiers and that some of us do--and we agree to
    disagree?
    
    Bonnie
    
    

    I thought the same thing as Neil when reading the article - it really
    doesn't support what you believe Lori, except for the last sentence or
    so.
    
    The bottom line is that it's your belief - don't expect others to
    agree, and please don't assume that all parents just stick a
    thumb/pacifier in their kid's mouth without some thought. Give people a
    little more credit than that.
    

>> Finally, no evidence supports the notion that too much or too little sucking 
>> during infancy leads to a specific personality style later in life.

Isn't this the only thing that counts?  Whether someone else does or does not 
like the pacifier in my daughter's mouth because of how it looks is 
inconsequential in comparison.

Re: sticking pacifier in after baby spits it out

My husband and I have both done this before without thinking just because 
Michelle was needing the pacifier less without my even realizing it at first.  
It does almost get to be habit to stick it in when they use it so much in the 
first few months.  And then when I visited my mother, she would put it in 
Michelle's mouth when she didn't need it (i.e., not crying).  So I just 
explained to her to *only* give it to her when
	1. crying
	2. and cannot console in any other way
and that worked fine.  So don't get too irked because we're ...

Human-too,
Kyra

    THIS IS A TOUGH ONE, MANY PEOPLE GIVE YOU LOOKS AND COMMENTS ABOUT
    BABIES SUCKING PACIFIERS.  I SAW A SHOW THAT SAID THAT THIS IS A
    HEALTHY INDEPENDENT THING FOR A CHILD TO DO.  THEY SAY THAT THE CHILD
    IS ABLE TO HELP ITSELF FEEL SECURE AND CALM ON AN OBJECT RATHER THAN
    CLINGING TO A PARENT AND THAT SHOWS INDEPENDENCE.  IT MAKES SOME SENSE. 
    MY SON, NOW TWO LIKES HIS PACIFIERS STILL, HE DOES THOUGH LOOK LIKE A
    BIG CHOOCH WITH IT.  SO NOW I TELL HIM THAT THE PACIFIER NEEDS TO STAY
    IN HIS CRIB AND HE CAN ONLY USE IT WHEN HE IS SLEEPING.  THIS SEEMS
    TO WORK.  WITHIN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS, I'LL THEN TRY TO WEAN HIM
    PERMANENTLY, I THING THIS WILL MAKE THE TRANSITION EASIER.
    
    

    I've read all these replies and I think I'll take the advice to let
    my daughter keep her pacifier until she doesn't "need" it anymore but 
    since she "needs" it for a different reason, I thought I'd see what 
    others have think, have experienced.
    
    My 13 month old has had lots of trouble with each tooth that's come in;
    her molars being the most recent trauma.  The big problem is that
    to cope with the pain, she sticks her fingers in her mouth and gags -
    usually throwing up.  I'm not crazy about pacifiers (just because
    they're something else to keep track of!), but to keep her
    from gagging, her doctor suggested getting those hard yellow NUK kind.
    It worked.  But now she's older.  She loves chewing on those things,
    especially when I put them in the freezer.
    
    Any suggestions on how to keep her sticking her fingers down her
    throat?  (Tylenol helps her with the pain but doesn't take effect
    immediately and that gel stuff only makes her put her hand in her mouth
    more.)

re:  .51

>    her doctor suggested getting those hard yellow NUK kind. 
>    It worked.  But now she's older.  She loves chewing on those things, 
>    especially when I put them in the freezer. 

I'm a little confused.  When you say "those things," do you mean the
pacifiers?  If that's what you mean, have you tried a teething ring?  They're
plastic things usually filled with water or a non-toxic liquid that you put
in the freezer, and the child can chew on them.  

Clay

>    It worked.  But now she's older.  She loves chewing on those things, 
>    especially when I put them in the freezer. 
					^^^^^^
>>pacifiers?  If that's what you mean, have you tried a teething ring?  They're
>>plastic things usually filled with water or a non-toxic liquid that you put
>>in the freezer, and the child can chew on them.  
	 ^^^^^^^
Just FYI, these teething rings should only be chilled in the REFRIGERATOR -
I've read that if they are frozen, they can become too hard and the child may
hurt his gums when chewing on one.

Another tip re: pacifier needed for sleeping -- try attaching the pacifier
(via one of those pacifier clips) to the sleeper, so that if the pacifier falls
out of the mouth, the baby might be able to find it again him/herself. This
seemed to work for us occasionally, around 3 months of age (before our son
rolled over/moved a lot at night).

-Cori (dealing with the first 2 teeth appearing in 4.5-month-old!! A washcloth
       dampened in cold water seems to be the best comfort device so far...)

I'd worry about attaching "anything" near a child's head/neck ... 
especially during "sleep time"  (strangulation).

I did read where they found "frozen" teething rings tended to get
brittle and easily ruptured.

We were lucky that Juli lost all interest in her plug at 5 months of age
and was only troubled by the first two pearlie whites and the 2-year
mollers.  Juli was happy munching on cold carrots, icecream and almost
anything that fit in her mouth (including the padded playpen rails).

    please don't clip anything attached to a string, cord, etc. to your
    child while sleeping.  There are a number of deaths each year
    attributed to strangulation by these devices.  It's worth the
    inconvenience of getting out of bed to find the pacifier and return it
    to the child.
    
    Bev

There are short ribbons with pacifiers and clips attached which do not have
the danger of strangulation.  However, I would suggest that you don't use these
in bed anyway, because *fingers* can be entangled in these ribbons very
tightly, and the ribbons can cut off the circulation. 

    Carol

    I should have known I would start up a storm with that one... Well, I'd
    never heard of the finger circulation bit (although I'd seriously doubt
    that this would happen!), but I felt perfectly safe using the
    ribbon-type clip -- it's only about 5 inches long -- for the few times
    that I did use it when he was sleeping.  Thankfully, my son, Collin,
    never had a "dependency" on the pacifier anyway - I just gave it to
    him as an option... I guess each parent must use her own judgement
    when dealing with these situations.
    
    For instance, I never hesitated to use some blankets my mother-in-law
    knitted for the crib, but the other night we discovered that Collin
    had unravelled one whole end of it and had tangled his hands in the
    yarn!! Nothing is safe!!
    
    -Cori

When Dirk was a very colicky baby, he needed the comfort of a pacifier to ease
his tummy cramps.  We simply bought several of the kind he liked and scattered 
them throughout the crib.  This way he could inevitably find one when he woke
in the middle of the night.

ccb