Conference moira::parenting_v3

    I don't think she was really "putting you through this" in a conscious
    manner.  I also skipped grades and was with kids older than me.
    The social adeptness that only comes with years of age just wasn't
    there so it was easy for me to make mistakes.  And things sex-related
    are one area where pressure occurs.  
    
    It actually sounds like this little girl is very mature and has
    already learned from this one instance.  I wouldn't give myself
    any more grey hairs worrying about it -- I don't think she's going
    to jump in bed with the next guy she runs into.  It sounds like
    she's managing; the nature of this age for a girl child advanced
    can be (was for me) that things are pretty miserable at times, running
    up against people who are giving you a hard time on something or
    another.  I wasn't mature enough to even say, "Let me handle it".
    Thank heavens she is.  She'll be ok. So probably will you -- but
    there will also probably be other explorations into forbidden or
    difficult lands of seeming enchantment.   Given that you've already
    had a constructive discussion on this subject, try to keep it (the
    subject) in general one that's talked about.  I remember thinking
    I was fooling my parents about having kissed someone; it was almost
    like living two lives, the goody-goody, never does wrong life and
    the real, down and dirty life (for that period of time).  I graduated
    from high school in 1963, just having turned 16, and went off to
    college in the fall, 3000 miles away from home.  I include this
    time period so that you can have a sense of what down and dirty
    meant for that time -- no drugs, no real sex, also not much information
    about the birds and the bees, despite somewhat enlightened parents.
    I'm sure there were some for whom this didn't hold, but they were
    more in the minority than the majority.  Good luck!

    I don't think she is 'putting you through this on purpose'.
    
    You seem so strong that school work is more important than boy friends
    that I makes me wonder if you have forgotten how strong the urges
    to have friends (and yes boyfriends too) are.  How can schoolwork
    be more important than relationships with other people? Yes the school
    work is important but getting along socially in all senses of the word
    is IMO more imporant. 
    
    You are reacting the way most fathers would who observe boys going
    after their daughter.  If she knows the facts of life and you are
    available to talk to her there is little more you can do.  Sometimes
    I think we parents forget that our kids are people too, and subject to
    the same needs adults are.  Adults have many options that kids don't.
    For example, adults can actively date and have sex with consenting
    partners.  Your daughter may not do that but the urges are still there.
    What am I trying to say?  I think that you should help her deal with
    'appropriate' ways to handle her romantic needs.  How?
    
    Be willing and available to talk to her as you obviously are.
    
    Try and minimize the guilt trips when she is honest with you.
    
    Help her talk about her feelings and problems.
    
    Respect her feelings as legitimate.... not as feelings she is 'too
    young' to have.
    
    Help her channel her energies into appropriate activities.  Dances,
    sports, schoolwork etc.
    
    

    Something tells me you're getting not quite the answers you may
    have expected ... and I hope you don't feel ganged up upon, but,
    I too get the feeling that you are over-reacting.  I certainly
    remember a lot of 13 and 14 year old girls up to this kind of activity
    some 25 years ago ....  and with an older boy is not so unusual
    either, since it is generally deemed that a girl becomes more
    sexually aware earlier than a boy.
    
    Trust your daughter ... give her back some of her freedom.  By
    restricting her you  run the risk of resentment and a desire to
    do things even more behind your back.  There's more to growing up
    than school and grades.  By showing her that trust and giving her
    back some freedom, she'll be able to work out the difficulties of
    the relationship far easier ... don't tell her what to do about it
    but make sure that she has all the info to make her own decisions
    about wanting to see the boy and so on and how to balance that with
    schoolwork.  If you let her make the decisions, right or wrong,
    she'll respect you for it.  I'd only intercept the desparately wrong
    decisions ... sometimes it's better to learn the hard way.
    
    For the parent, it's hard to let go when you realize your children
    are growing up ... and sometimes it's a bit of a shock.
    
    Anyway,  good luck
    
    Stuart

    I, too, was skipped a grade and was considerably younger than my
    peers.  
    
    It was *exteremely* *difficult* socially.  I don't think I can
    emphasize enough how painful it can be for a child in this
    situation trying to handle situations for which she's just not
    emotionally ready.  It sounds like your daughter is handling them
    exceptionally well and has an exceptionally supportive family who
    is really there for her -- she may make mistakes but I think
    she'll pull through.
    
    One thing that might help a lot is to see if you can find a
    mixed-sex mixed-age youth group -- a church youth group, perhaps,
    or a service organization, or a drama club, or some other group
    that has a purpose other than hitting up on members of the
    opposite sex.  That would let her practice her social skills in a
    less threatening environment as well as giving her a chance to
    make friends with people her own age as well as her own grade.
    
    --bonnie

    The kissing seems pretty normal for a 9th grader, though the parental
    overreaction is also probably pretty "normal."  Kissing a boy in front
    of your little sister and other neighborhood kids is a childish
    silliness, not the step before perdition.  But I would worry that
    you're headed for a communications breakdown, and encouraging her
    mostly to lie more carefully.  She has a developing right to privacy,
    whatever its real boundary, which perhaps you don't sufficiently
    respect; the apparent use of her sister as an informant seems rather
    unfortunate.  If you can't get into a discussion of this rather
    innocent incident without judgmental grounding her and other
    punishment, I hope you aren't counting on discussing other sensitive
    topics later in her teen years.

    Kids are supposed to feel emotional conflict and do embarrassing things
    during adolescence.  So they can get some of it out of the way before
    they become grandparents.  I'm not sure her age has much to do with it. 
    I skipped a couple of grades, but it didn't get me in trouble, and I'm
    sure I would have experienced emotional turmoil at times even if I
    hadn't.
    
    		- Bruce

Along similar lines...

My neice is 14, and her father (my brother) is feeling pretty similar to
what you describe in .0.  Funny too, since he was WILD as a teenager (part
of the reason for his feelings now, I'm sure!).

At any rate, he was having troubles communicating with her, finding things
out about what she was doing in a not-so-direct manner, etc.  He talked to
her teachers and they all said, "Oh, Alisa is wonderful.  You have nothing
to worry about.  She's a good student, she's mature, she doesn't do too
many 'stupid' things, etc."  Meanwhile, he's turning gray.

Finally, he and his wife (not her mother) had a family meeting.  They
turned on music she liked, made sure her brother wasn't at home, sat on the
living room floor, and talked about it all... sex, drugs, cars & teenage
drivers, smoking--the works. They were prepared with straight answers when
they finally got her to open up and ask them.  And they say it helped.  A
lot.

It's still an on-going thing, of course, but they talk much more openly,
they trust each other more now, and most of all they try to understand
where the other is coming from.  A daily stuggle.

I think a lot of what others have said is good--it sounds like you're
trying and listening, but maybe you need to relax a little (i.e., loosen up
on knowing everything she does when with a boy).  Hang in there--she'll be
20 soon!  (Just kidding--it should get better sooner than that!).

    Having 2 teenage step-children I know what you're feeling!!!
    
    Last year I got my husband a mug for Father's Day with a saying to the
    effect of "Fatherhood: where you're proud your son is growing up like
    you and worried that your daughter is dating men who are"!!!!   It's
    definitely true!!!
    
    Andrea