Conference moira::parenting_v3

   Just a general comment...   listen.  Really listen to your
   daughter, try to understand, and try hard not to judge.  I have no
   idea where to go after that, but I recall occasions as a teenager
   thinking that my folks really didn't care what I was saying and
   that they simply didn't understand me.  
   
   Good luck,
   
   - Tom
   

I suggest taking a look at topics 1044 and 1045 in QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS which
discuss this topic from various angles.

				Steve

    Maryann,
    
    I can offer sympathy. I'm in the reverse situation as you. I'm the
    step-mom and my step-daughter just turned 17. The past few years have
    had their moments of tempers and emotions. She only is with us on her
    vacations so there isn't constant exposure to her emotions but we do
    get our share of them when she's with us. Looking back over the past
    2 years, I can really see how difficult it is growing up. There is such
    a battle between staying a "little girl" and "becoming a young woman".
    We've probably had only 2 incidents of major proportion - luckily she
    is the type who will tell you what she is thinking so most get settled
    immediately. 
    
    The first thing I would do is find out why your husband is not her
    favortie person. You can't expect him to be but you can insist on her
    being cordial and understanding of your relationship with him. I
    honestly don't know what I would have done if I didn't get along with
    my step-kids. I'd start there. It is also your husband's responsibility
    to build a relationship with her.
    
    IMO, the issue with dating an older man starts with the relationship
    with her step-father and/or father. I hate to think textbook, but almost 
    every one says we look for men that fill the role of our fathers. It 
    may mean something to you, maybe not. I personally wonder what a 23/26 
    year old man has in common with a 16 year old. He either has a 
    "maturity-level" problem or is suffering an ego problem at a very young 
    age. I'd insist on knowing him as well. 
    
    Sorry no answer but plenty of understanding for what you are all going
    through. Sorry no backround in psyche but plenty in the teenage
    step-child arena. Good luck. Listen to your daughter. Don't push to
    much because once tempers flair, it gets out of control and nothing is
    accomplished. Talk it out, if it is really possible, and keep talking.
     
    Andrea 
                                                                          

    Hi Maryann, 
    
    Is Shirl 16 already??? Good grief, I guess she has to be since
    Kat's 16, too, but geez, doesn't time fly?
    
    The first thing I'd say is that however difficult this is now,
    Shirl's a good kid and you've raised her right, so even if she
    goes through some rough times, she's going to pull through all
    right in the long run because of the good foundation you've given
    her.  I know this is true in my own life, and I've seen it happen
    often enough to say it with confidence here too.
    
    The second thing is that though 16 seems awfully young to us, in
    other days and times a 16-year-old would have been considered a
    woman, and she would have been in charge of a household and
    raising her own family.  A *LOT* of the problems we have with
    teenagers in this society happen because society doesn't give them
    any recognized, valued roles.  We tell them, "Get in school, stay
    there, and don't cause us any trouble for a few more years." 
    Sometimes about all they can do to exert control over their own
    lives is to get involved with someone -- the more inappropriate
    the better for purposes of rebellion.  
    
    And unfortunately sometimes growing up and being in charge of
    their own lives means they'll make mistakes that hurt them and us,
    and that we can't do anything about.  Falling in love with the
    wrong person is one of them, and 16 is plenty old enough to be in
    love. 
    
    And there's nothing remarkable about a 16-year-old falling for an
    older man who shows an interest in her -- it would be more
    remarkable if she didn't.  What I wonder about is why a
    23-year-old would go out with someone that young.   Shirl does
    seem a bit older than her age -- do you think it's possible that
    SHE has lied to HIM about how old she is, and he thinks she's 19
    or something?  
    
    In general trying to break them up backfires because the more you
    oppose it, the more she'll feel she has to stick by her decision. 
    Giving him up has to be her choice.  But you'll need to figure out
    if there's an underlying problem that she thinks this man will
    solve, and address that problem.  Attacking her directly won't
    help.  
    
    I don't like to bring this last thing up, because it sounds either
    permissive or judgemental, perhaps both, but I'm only thinking of
    Shirl's safety here.  If you haven't had a frank talk with her
    about birth control, condoms, and sexually transmitted disease,
    you had better do it soon.  At 23 he's liable to  be ready and
    able to handle a sexual relationship while she isn't ready yet but
    goes along with it to prove she's grown up.  She may be making a
    serious mistake but there's no need for her to pay for it with her
    health or perhaps her life. 
    
    If there's anything else I can do, feel free to contact me
    offline...
    
    --bonnie (Kathy Schutzman's mother)

    Yes, I have had experience with this.  Except I WAS the 16-year-old
    (actually 17) and my boyfriend was 25 at the time.  My parents had a
    hard time with this, and it eventually lead to some very difficult
    years for me.  When I was 18-1/2, I moved in with him and we moved a
    few hours away.  Whenever, I would go home (to my folks') to visit, I
    would be lectured to about him.  This was a VERY difficult time for me
    - I felt like I was in the middle, being pulled in every direction.
    
    I am happy to say that things did eventually work out - we'll be
    celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary on Thursday!!  My parents and
    my husband have reconciled and accepted each other finally.
    
    I guess my advice is this:  be open and honest with your daughter about
    your concerns, but listen to HER, also.  Be there when she needs you,
    but try to let her make her own decisions.  If you try to dictate her
    behavior, it will only cause a LOT of hurting for everyone involved.
    
    Hope this helps,
    Deb
    

    Maryann,
    
    At 16 it all comes down to one basic thing, and it's the law. Felonious
    Sexual Assult. IF he does make sexual intercourse with her. Other
    than that who says a 16 year old can't have friends that are in
    their 20's or even 30's or more. I have a friend who has a 16 year
    old daughter who calls me for advice (I'am 39) and even tells me
    of some sexual encounters, one involved rape. Sometimes a parent
    will over react in just trying to protect their kids. Things that
    she tells me, she feels she could never tell her mother or father
    and I would never betray her trust in me, I just try to help her
    as much as possible. Good luck in this trying time.
    
    
    John
    

    This may be a naive response, but it just might work.
    
    Have you ever met this person?  Perhaps if you invite him over for
    dinner or a barbeque, it would show your daughter that you're willing
    to meet him.  It would also give her a chance to see how he acts in a
    family setting.
    
    A friend's father used to invite her current boyfriend out sailing. 
    She was able to see how her boyfriend acted around other people and
    her father was able to meet her boyfriend.  There was no "grilling",
    just a friendly afternoon out sailing.
    
    For what it's worth,
    Judi
    

    The last reply is actually kinda funny, in a way.  
    
    When I was dating people my parents thought were inappropriate, they
    simply made no big deal about it.  This person was always invited
    along, etc...pretty soon I began to see the light.  Kinda like when
    something stops becoming forbidden, it loses some of it's allure.
    
    Sue
    

    When I was 16, I began a relationship with a guy who was 22 years
    old.  I believe at the time, my parents were concerned with the
    age difference, but they never gave me a hard time.  The unspoken
    message that I got from them was that they trusted ME.  They
    trusted my judgment.  And they respected me as an almost-adult.

    They did take an interest in getting to know him.  They asked me
    about him the same way they would ask me about any of my friends.
    They encouraged me to bring him around the house rather than
    try to hide the relationship.

    My relationship with him lasted 6 years (most of them good).  My
    relationship with my parents has now lasted 29 years, and I 
    appreciate the fact that they always respected my right to make
    decisions about my life.

    As a caveat - I was not a rebellious teen-ager.  I can't say whether
    my parents treated me like an adult because I acted like an adult,
    or if I acted like an adult because my parents treated me like one.  

  I was 16 when I first started seeing my husband, who was then 23.  I never
  told my parents but when I was 19 they accidentally found out.  They 
  still don't know I was seeing him when I was so young.  We had a very
  free relationship where we just dated occasionally and also dated other
  people but when I was 20 we decided to see just each other.  We became
  great friends before we ever got serious.  Fortunately my husband had
  the insight to let me enjoy my college years and not tie me down to
  a tight relationship.  

  I know at first seeing an older man was so exciting and I couldn't believe
  he would be interested in me.  I think once the infatuation stage and the
  newness of the realtionship wears off you can see the older man for who he 
  really is.  Just have faith in you daughter that she will see the person
  for who he really is and make the right decisions.  I guess you have to
  let her make her own mistakes though.

  We have 2 great kids now and have been married for 3 years.  Good luck.  
  I'm not looking forward to being a parent of teenagers...and I thought
  the two's were tough!

  Karin

  

    
    
      Coming from an 18 year old with experience.  I met my husband  when I
    was 14 years old (he was 24).  My mother has always given me my freedom
    because she considered me more mature for my age.  She changed her mind
    real quick!  She did everything in her powers to stop me from seeing
    him, this just made me more determined than ever.  I moved in with him
    when I turned 15.  We struggled at first with his family and mine but
    it was worth it.  We have now been married for 2 1/2 years and have a
    beautiful son (4 months) and a beautiful home.  My family has finally
    accepted him and we have a perfectly healthy marriage in spite of the
    age difference.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that parents must
    use their own judgement in deciding if the child is mature enough
    to handle the situation but, old-fashioned discipline never hurt
    anyone.