Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Dottie,
    
    Yes, you will all survive!!! I know how difficult it is being seperated
    from your husband and then feeling like you are leaving the children and
    never really knowing what they are thinking, especially your little
    one. All I can offer is to maybe really spend some time with them now
    explaining why you are going and about the move and that YOU WILL BE
    BACK!!! Maybe Aisha (is her name a "modern" spelling of a Turkish name
    by any chance??) could keep a calendar and cross off the days as they
    go by. Maybe show them a map of where you are going and that it isn't
    right around the corner so you need to be gone overnight. Don't make
    any promises around the time you are going to return, like "we'll all
    go out to McDonald's for dinner when I get back" only to find your
    plane delayed 2 hours and little ones in their pj's when you get home. Do
    call as often as you can and ask your friend to allow the children to
    call you, especially on your anniversary. I would also speak to your
    friend about your thinking and what you have been telling the kids;
    don't want them to get mixed messages!! Maybe suggest they make a
    "welcome home mommy" sign help pass the time and feel free to talk
    about missing mommy but all the time knowing mommy and daddy are
    thinking about them and miss them too!! 
    
    Remember it is only 3 weeks until your are all back together for good.
    It will fly by. 
    
    Happy house/apartment hunting!!! Best of luck with the move and happy
    anniversary!! (I'll beat the dinner conversation will be about
    children!!)
    
    Andrea                                 

    I remember going through this when we moved from New York to New
    Hampshire.  I got the job here several months before Neil finished
    his degree, so we had to make the househunting trip, move, and
    then live apart from January to June.  We had only the one child,
    and she was almost old enough to understand, but still it was
    rugged and painful.  
    
    Like you, when we made the househunting tirp we had to leave her
    at daycare and count on the person who was taking care of her for
    the weekend (a teacher at the school) to get her home etc. after
    we left.  I think the worst moment was trying to land at Logan
    airport in a 35 mph wind in a commuter airplane (1 row of seats
    down each side of the aisle) and thinking that we were going to
    crash and I'd never even had a chance to say goodbye to Kathy. 
    Seemed pretty silly as soon as we landed, but it was awful.
    
    But the rest of the trip went pretty well.  At the time we were
    living on something thinner than a shoestring, so we couldn't even
    afford the long-distance calls to check in, but we had confidence
    that if anything had happened, the sitter would have called us
    immediately.  
    
    One thing I did was allot myself some worrying time -- ten
    minutes, three times a day, before meals.  No, don't laugh, it
    worked.  When I found myself worrying about how lonely Kat must
    be, I'd tell myself that it had to wait for the next worry period. 
    Then I'd let myself go for ten minutes, thinking of all the awful
    things that had been nagging at me . . . and they usually got so
    ridiculous that I was able to laugh at myself and enjoy the meal
    and the time alone with my husband.
    
    It was rough on all of us, we were sick more than usual that
    winter, and we were all nervous, tense, and on edge.  Sometimes
    when we did get those too-rare visits, we all snapped and
    quarrelled instead of enjoying the time together.  But everybody
    made an extra effort to make allowances for the stress of the
    situation, and we pulled through just fine.  
    
    If I had to give one piece of advice, it would be simply not to
    try to pretend the situation's normal.  Yes, try to keep the
    children's routines as much as you can, but admit that things are
    disrupted and it's going to be hard for a while and you
    understand and all that good stuff.  And tell yourself the same
    thing.  It's okay to be stressed out and teary or whatever your
    personal style is for a while.  Lower your expectations if you
    have to.  It ain't easy!
    
    --bonnie

    Dottie, don't worry - relax.  Children have their own way of bouncing
    back.  When I returned to work after my first daughter I was more
    upset than she was.  I remember calling the sitter almost every
    hour only to hear that she was having a ball!  (sniff sniff).  Your
    children will be with a friend of yours - one that they feel
    comfortable with.  I'm sure she will fill their time plenty.  I
    would explain the situation to them so they understand that you
    ARE coming back and so is daddy.  The time will fly especially if
    you are house hunting.  I know you will miss them and they will
    to, but you will be amazed at how children adapt.
    
    Good luck house hunting and to your new life in PA.  Also have a
    great anniversary celebration with your hubby!!!!
    
    
    Denise

    Take along a camera and get some pictures of their dad - in his living
    quarters, out in the area in which you will be living, and especially
    of the houses you will be viewing.  That way you can involve them in
    what you were doing while you were down there, and show them how daddy
    is doing.
    
    It may help them understand better, as well as make them feel included
    in the decision yoour making about a house!
    
    Best wishes.
    
    

    Thanks everyone. I do feel a bit better. 
    
    Bonnie,
    
    You have described our weekends together to a "T". We end up fighting
    over stupid things (Like whether or not the liqour store will accept
    the Stop&Shop soda bottles as returns) and we have all been sick.
    I've had my 3rd upper respitory infection in a few months and the
    kids have had a virus.
    
    And, off the subject a little:
    Andrea,
                                  
    When I was an exchange student in Turkey (Istanbul), my Turkish
    "sister's" name was Ayse. I have always loved the name (means "one
    who lives a pious life!) and vowed to name my daughter Ayse. We
    changed the spelling to fit the American alphabet, but people still
    mispronounce it. My son's middle name is Habib (means "loved one").
    We gave one Arabic and one Christian name each.
    
    Keep that support comin'! I can still use a little more.
    
    Dot
    

    re: .5
    
    Dot,
    
    I think people who haven't been through a separation like this
    tend to  underestimate the amount of strain it puts on the adults
    involved.  Everyone expects the kids to feel it, but us?  We're
    adults, we're choosing this move, it shouldn't be any big deal for
    us, right?  At least that's what I thought before we went through
    it.  And I was surprised how wrong it was. 
    
    One thing that might help the strain between you two is to make
    some romantic gesture -- bring some flowers on your weekend trip,
    or whatever it is that you do when you're feeling especially
    close.  Something that says "It's rough, I know you're lonely and
    I am too, but we'll pull through and we'll all be together soon."
    
    Are you going to be moving straight into a house, or are you
    finding an apartment, then looking for a house after you get
    there?  
    
    --bonnie
    
    p.s. if you'd rather talk about this off line, you can send me
    mail.  

    Bonnie,
    
    I don't mind talking over the tube. Yes, we are looking for an aprtment
    first. We don't want to rush and buy just any house. With the prices
    so much lower in PA, we have more to choose from and want to get
    just the right one.
    
    I figured I purchase some sort of slinky lingerie to suprise My
    husband with this weekend. Seeing as the kids keep showing up in
    our bed every night!
    
    I have been doing a few things to relax or ease up on myself while
    My husband, Arshad is gone. I buy frozen dinners (the kids like
    those kiddie tv dinners) and get Mcdonalds occasionally. For a while
    there I was just letting the cleaning wait for a few days, but now
    we have to keep it tidy in case the broker brings someone by. I've
    taken a few days off for myself to. I'll just be glad when it's
    over, and we are back to normal!
    
    Dot

    I agree with bonnie about the relative strain on kids versus parents.
    
    I also endorse Andrea in avoiding promises of compensating treats.
    1st, offering compensation reinforces in the wrong way the notion that
    they should suffer while you're gone.  2nd, even if it doesn't seem
    to you like a serious committment ("let's plan to go out for ice cream
    Sunday night when I get back"), it may to them, and they may long
    remember and resent it if it isn't "fulfilled" for some reason.  3rd,
    its almost a kind of an insult to oneself, as if the parent's return
    itself wasn't enough of a pleasure and reassurance, or the thought of a
    future treat would really offset the feelings arising from your
    absence.
    
    Also, don't overestimate the ability of a 2.5 year old to comprehend
    time spans of more than a few hours (I'll be back in 2 days; you'll see
    daddy in 2 weeks . . .).  But, on the other hand, I'll bet the familiar
    presence of the other sibling while you're gone will be a comfort and
    reassurance to each of your kids.
    
    		- Bruce

    Do you think it would be a good idea to take the kids over to the
    friend's a few days before hand  and show them where they will be
    sleeping? I'm kind of worried about bedtime, as that's the area
    where thier emotions show up the most. It might make me feel better
    anyway.
    
    Dot

    It can't hurt.  Dot, at a time like this, you just gotta do whatever
    it takes!!
    
    Many hugs,
    Kate

    If it will make you feel better, I'd go ahead and take them over. 
    My guess is that it will make it a little easier for the kids when
    the time comes, too.  Kate's right -- you just do whatever it
    takes.  
    
    It sounds like you're dealing with it pretty sensibly.  I wish I
    had thought of half these things _before_ I went through it
    myself!  It would have saved quite a bit of strain on our young
    marriage.  Though I think the romance suffered as much if not more
    than the sexual side -- we always managed to find time for the
    lingerie somehow, but not always for the candlelight and the
    bubble bath and the back rubs.  
    
    Oh, and make sure you have the name and phone number of a
    responsible financial officer at your banking institution.   When
    we rented the apartment, they wouldn't take a personal check for
    the deposit.  Fortunately we had enough travellers' checks to
    cover it, but that left us with almost no cash for the trip back.
    (This was in the days before either of us qualified for a credit
    card.)  If the rental people had been able to call the bank, we
    would have had a lot less hassle. 
    
    When it comes to the move itself, you can pack a "gourmet"
    housewarming picnic -- a box of favorite foods that don't need
    cooking or refrigeration that you can use the first night in the
    apartment in case you get in late or ahead of the movers and the
    kitchen supplies.  Include napkins, paper plates, etc.  "Gourmet"
    will vary according to the age and taste of the individuals
    involved.  Aisha is probably old enough to enjoy helping pick that
    out.  
    
    --bonnie
    
    

    Well, so far, Aisha seems pretty excited about going to Beth's (the
    friend who's watching the kids) house. She wanted to go this morning.
    So that made me feel a little better.
    
    Arshad called yesterday and told me he had found us a house for
    rent in Butler (I'm sure Kate knows where that is) w/3 bedrooms
    and a yard for $450/mo. I think gas and electric are included. That
    is less than half our mortgage, so that will make life easier for
    a while. The woman wants us to rent it, and even said she'd let
    us out of the lease with a 30 day notice when we find a house to
    buy. So, that's one worry gone now to. I will see the place this
    weekend.
    
    The gourmet picnic sounds good. I'll have to plan for that. I think
    I will pack a bottle of champagne for our anniversary this weekend.
    
    Thanks everyone! I feel so much better after all your support! Too
    bad I won't have the notesfile when I move. I won't be working for
    DEC there. Hopefully, I won't be working at all!

    Ahhh, the memories! It was a rough go for all of us when we moved from
    central NY to mass. Our son was then 3.5, our daughter 6 mos. Our move
    went like this: one week in hotel room all together while
    house-hunting, then one week at my mom's house, while I started job.
    Then 2 weeks with just my wife and kids alone back in NY, not seeing
    daddy and always needing to keep house perfect so realtor could show it
    at a moment's notice. Then 1 week in a teeny apt. with cardboard walls
    (through relocation), then into a 3 br. townhouse for the remaining
    (gulp) 4.5 mos. till everyything was finally done on selling one house
    and buying another. (this all through relocation). The baby never
    seemed to notice, but our son developed several problems, the worst of
    which was severe stuttering, and the least of which was increased
    clinginess and whining (all of which, I'm thankful to report)
    dissapeared within about 1 month of moving to our permanent location).
    The first week in that timy apt., my car broke down, so I had to take
    my wife's. the kids were all cranky and sick (vomiting, diarrhea, bad
    head colds). No doctor yet, and no car to take them even if we had one.
    Stuck inside, the week before Christmas with 2 sick kids, in a strange
    town, with no friends or family nearby. Not fun. VERY stressful on the
    adults, as a prev. reply mentioned. But....we got through it. You take
    it one day at a time, do what you gotta do, and live through it. Make
    the most of the good moments, and don't dwell too long on the bad ones.
    We can look back on it now (2.5 years ago) and even (almost) laugh
    about it all. The kids were extrememly resilient, I think more so than
    we adults. Stress your love for them, keep routines as similar as
    possible, let daddy call'em, on the phone. Send him notes, drawings,
    cards. Send Polaroids shots...have daddy take some Polaroids of where
    he works (even like this...one getting in car to go to work, one goin
    into building, one of building exterior, one of daddy where he is
    living now. Then at appropriate times of day, you can say "Daddy is
    leaving for work now", etc....makes 'em feel lots closer). Make art
    creations for daddy to hang up at work. Take pictures of your old home
    for kids to look at when you move...helps them feel less uprooted
    (don't force 'em to see these, but ours wanted to. Frequently at first,
    and then  less and less, as they got more used to this being home).
    Have daddy make a tape recording reading their favorite bedtime stories
    or whatever. Let them make a tape for him. Anything so they feel
    connected. 3 weeks is really not a very long time (except when you're
    living through it!). Good luck and best wishes!
    --dave--

    correction to my reply:
    Our oldest was *2.5* not 3.5 when we moved...same as Aisha.
    --dave--

    I geuss if I could stand it for 2 1/2 months being a single mother
    during the week, I can take it for 3 more weeks! At least I know
    now that it will be over soon. It really hasn't been too bad. I
    have been letting the kids sleep with me alot, and we have been
    doing things together in the evenings. Parts of it have been fun.
    
    But I really can't wait to get the kids settled to make them feel
    better.
    
    Thanks again everyone! Any other support will be gladly received!
    
    Dot