Conference moira::parenting_v3

    	Perhaps it is time to get a puppy.  A yapping dog (if it is 
    	a small fry) is as good a deterrent against an intruder as
    	an overwhelming large dog.  Your kids might feel safer knowing
    	that the dog will "protect" them.  Use Lassie as an example if 
    	you get a large dog, and use Benji as an example of a small dog
    	in showing the kids that a dog can be smart and may make a
    	difference for future break-ins.

    	Besides the security features of a dog, this new arrival and the
    	associated excitement and fun of a dog may help take their minds 
    	off the recent incident.

    	Joe Oppelt

    	BTW, you can't take the kids' fears away.  Fear is a strong
    	feeling, and you can't dismiss it.  I'm sure that you yourself
    	think twice as you approach the house now.  Let them express their
    	fears.  EAP is a good choice for your family.  This is a good
    	way to help everybody grow closer in your common feelings.
    	A break-in is a very intrusive event in your lives.  In a sense
    	your personal space -- your castle -- has been raped.  Kids see
    	their homes as a haven from evil.  To realize that evil can 
    	penetrate their fortress is understandably traumatic.  Grandmom's
    	fortress has never been penetrated.  It is easy to see why they 
    	want to go there.  Perhaps the addition of the dog can add a new
    	dimension of security and make the house seem like a safe haven
    	again.
    	

    Before I answer, I wanted to check one thing in your note --
    did you say the kids are afraid to sleep in the house without
    Daddy there even when you are there?
    
    --bonnie

    EAP is the right avenue to go down.  We have never been broken into
    before, but with all the crazy things happening and my husband does
    work some weird hours, we decided to install an alarm system.  I'll
    tell you I feel 100% more safe with that thing.  Maybe you could
    look into getting one for your home.
    
    Like a previous noter said, fear is a big emotion to deal with.
    It won't go away over night.  It will take some time for your children
    to get over this feeling of intrusion.  So I believe that couseling
    would help a great deal.  Maybe your husband could stay closer to
    home for a while for the children's sake seeing that they are afraid
    to stay in the house without him.
    
    Time will heal all wounds.
    
    Denise

    Boy, is this timely...  My sister's house was broken into last week
    while she and her daughter were home!  The thieves climbed into my
    sister's bedroom window at about 10:30 pm while she was watching TV
    at the other end of the house.  My niece was sleeping in the bedroom
    right next to my sister's room.  Anyway, they took my sister's purse
    and split, but Jane woke up and looked out her window and saw them
    running down the driveway.  Needless to say, she's having an incredibly
    difficult time sleeping now (her dad and my sister are divorced) and
    my sister is beside herself about what to do.  On Monday night she
    brought Jane to see a psychologist...  Jane has always been a worrier
    and somewhat of an insomniac and this break-in thing has really
    compounded it.  My sister is hoping that she'll get the help she
    needs.  She couldn't afford an alarm system, so what she did to
    alleviate some of Jane's fears was to attach metal spoons and kitchen
    gadgets to string, attach the string to the bedroom window screens
    so that is someone tries to put the screens up, the metal stuff will
    clank and cause a racket so the thieves will be scared off and Jane
    and her mom will wake up.
    
    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation...  I'd be frightened too.
    Maybe if you rig up something like my sister did, your kids will
    rest a little easier.  Their fears are very real and I think all you
    can do is constantly reassure them and let them know you'll protect
    them.
    
    Good luck,
    Kathryn
    

    Re: 186.2  Yes, the kids are afraid to sleep in the house while dad
               is away even though I am at home.  Dad came home yesterday
               and last night the two of them slept like logs.  
    
               I guess that's something else I'm trying to deal with,  the
               fact that I am not perceived by my children as capable of
               protecting them....
    
               I have a 2:00 p.m. appt. with EAP today to discuss this.
    
               BTW, thanks for the replies so far.  

    Did you say your husband was away when the break-in took place?  (If
    not, ignore the rest of this note)...
    
    Maybe the children don't think you're capable of protecting them
    because you were "home" when the break-in happened, sort of making you
    responsible for it in their minds.  Since Daddy was out of town, he had
    no part in it.
    
    Good luck... as has been said, having your house broken into is
    traumatic for _adults_.  A friend of mind stayed with a friend for
    about a week after someone else's apartment in her building was broken
    into in Boston.

    re: .5
    
    I was going to say pretty much the same thing as .6 -- that you're
    taking the brunt of it because you were the person on the spot,
    not because they don't perceive you as the protector.  There might
    be some other things going on there, too; perhaps they were
    picking up on your fears that something worse was going to happen.
    
    Sometimes what a child is really afraid of isn't what just
    happened, but "What would have happened to me if Mommy got killed
    by the robber?"  They might not consciously be aware of this fear,
    but sometimes it helps to reassure them that you're all ok. 
    
    Steven's afraid of the house catching on fire, and I used to try
    to reassure him that no, the house wasn't going to get hit by
    lightning in the middle of a blizzard, or whatever.  I finally 
    told him, "Yes, the house might catch on fire, and if it does,
    the fire alarm will go off and  we'll all get out of the house. 
    And if the house does burn down, we'll just build a new one and
    buy new toys. It will be sad, but we'll be okay."  He seemed to
    find that much more reassuring than my attempting to say it
    couldn't happen when he sees fire trucks and burned-out houses
    that tell him it COULD happen.
    
    But it sounds to me like EAP is definitely the right way to go.  
    This is an upsetting thing to have happen, and it will help just
    having someone to unburden your feelings onto.
    
    --bonnie

    
    
    This happened to a friend of mine - the break in, kids feeling scared
    etc.  I think the counselling is a great idea, but also make security a
    visual thing.  Acknowledge to the kids that you know they're scared,
    assure them that you don't *think* this will happen again, and make a
    show of putting up security things: door chains, window locks etc. 
    have them around the place while you're putting these things up.  I
    guess it's partly psychological, but it shows you're protecting them.
    
    All the best.
    
    
    Chris   :-)
    

    If you should "consider" getting a dog-- it doesn't have to be a
    Doberman or a German Shepard or Rotweiler.  Any medium to large size
    dog can become very protective of your home, and I've heard it said
    that a barking dog is one of the biggest deterents to burglars.
    
    If you do reach a decision to get a dog, please let the folks in the
    "CANINE" noting community help.  There are also many beautiful home-
    less dogs in shelters waiting to becoming loving, caring, protectors of
    the family.
    
    Rgds,
    Marcia, "mom" to Laddie & Trixie - my "Mutley Crew"
    
    P.S.  I wish you and your family the best in overcoming your fears.
          I am sure EAP will be helpful.

    A relevant tangent, prompted by the previous reply.
    
    Rottweilers are very good family dogs - we have a 130 lb. male who is
    really a gentle giant, and really good with our 2 year old son.
    
    

   re getting a dog. 
   
   	The important consideration in getting a dog for security is not so
   much breed, but training. I have seen so many "good guard dog breeds" that
   do nothing more than wet themselves when an intruder is around, or bark at
   squirrels all night long...
   
   If you do get a dog, certainly go for a medium to larger dog, and *** Make
   sure *** that you and it go through obedience training together. My wifes
   dog, (she had it for five years before we married) (Dane-Alsatian cross)
   was as gentle as a lamb around children, but if anyone started slinking
   around the house at night, heaven help them. He even bailed up a burglar
   several houses down the street, one night...
   
   
   q
   

    Along the lines of .7's idea, my first thoughts were that the
    children might be afraid that the burglar might come back and
    get them.  Were their piggy banks in their room(s)?  If so,
    their personal space has been violated.  I've seen adults struggle
    with this so I imagine it's worse for children.  Also, although it
    seems pretty trivial that just a few dollars were taken from their
    banks, it may seem much worse to them.  Some of those dollars
    could be very precious to them if they were received on special
    occasions - birthdays, holidays.  If they had had the piggy banks
    for a long time (like a baby shower gift) I imagine that could
    compound the loss too.
    
    I feel very sorry that you and your children have had to deal
    with the horrors of reality at such a young age.  I hope all returns
    to normal soon.
    
    Best wishes,
    Ruth

    I forgot to put this in .12.
    
    If your children are afraid the burglar might come back, it might
    help to "arm" them so they won't feel defenseless.  I think the
    feeling of having some power would help so the "weapon" wouldn't have
    to be too dangerous.  An example is sleeping with a baseball bat
    within reach.  A much older child could be given a spray bottle
    containing ammonia.  The best nonviolent items I can think of are
    a loud whistle or a loud bell that could be kept by their beds.
    They could also use these to summon you if they were afraid at night.
    
    I have experience with this type of fear.  When I was about eight years
    old I was terrified that our house would catch on fire and I wouldn't be
    able to get out (to the point where I couldn't sleep at night).  My
    mother said I could use my baton to smash a window in order to escape.
    Once I had the feeling that I could control the situation, I was able
    to sleep again though I've never gotten over the fear itself.
    
    Ruth

re: .13

I like the idea of the whistle or the bell.  I do not like the idea of a 
baseball bat.  If a burglar actually were to break in a child should summon 
help (whistle, etc) and flee.  If a child were actually to try to confront an
adult burglar, the child would probably be quickly disarmed -- and a panicky, 
drunk, or drug affected burglar may turn the weapon on the child.  

IMO, a feeling of defenselessness in a child is much better countered by 
trying to make them confident that help is available than by providing them 
with a weapon.

Clay