Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    My parents never stayed up waiting for us (3 of us). They usually
    got woken up when we got home, if not, I would just drop by their
    room to tell them I was home. It worked out better that way. They
    got their sleep and I got my fun!!! I guess, my parents figured
    out after a while that it didn't help sitting around worrying!!!!
    
    
    Eva.
    
    

    My parents never waited up for us either.  We let them know where we
    were going and about what time we'd be home, and if that changed we
    called to let them know.  I never felt that this was too much to ask. 
    I guess from their point of view, as long as they could get in touch
    with us if they needed to, they felt comfortable enough going to sleep
    knowing they would get a phone call if there was a problem.
    
    As far as curfew's go, we never had one set by our parents, but they
    expected us to respect the 1 AM curfew imposed by our licenses while we
    were teenagers.
    
                                                  Tracy

    My mother couldn't sleep until we all got home because she worried
    so much!  I used to tell her to just go to sleep, but she never could.
    I can't really remember what my curfew was at 16 - I think it was
    maybe around midnight.
    
    - Kathryn
    

    
    I guess I am a combination of the previous replies.  My sixteen year
    old daughter has a midnight curfew (or for a very special event 1:00). 
    She also lets us know where she is going and if plans change she calls. 
    I go to bed and "cat nap" until she gets home.  I don't get a lot of
    sleep, but at least she doesn't feel as if I am crowding her.
    
    On the few occasions she has been late (and not called) we have
    discussed it in the morning.
    
    The calling when she is going somewhere or plans are changing works
    well for us (this is our habit during the day as well as at night).
    

    My wife and are are 'old fashioned'.  Our 17 year old had a school
    night cerfew of 10PM, a non-school night curfew of midnight.
    We stayed up.  We also knew who he was going out with. And where they
    expected to be.
    Also, we signed one of those no questions asked forms, where we agreed
    to come anywhere , anytime, to pick him up if his ride was drinking
    [deal with the situation later, but don't embass him on the spot].
    
    Near graduation and the parties thereafter, we relaxed things a bit.
    
    And now that he's out of the nest, we miss him dearly.  But, thats
    probably a different note.
    
    ed
    

    Kat, 16 1/2, has a school-night curfew of about 11 and a summers-and-
    weekends curfew of approximately midnight.  Since the guy she's
    going out with doesn't get off work until 9, we've been allowing
    her to stretch that so they can go to the late movie Friday night
    and still stop for a snack on the way home.  And we'll make
    allowances for special occasions.  If she's going to be late, she
    calls.  We didn't actually sign a contract, but we've discussed
    and told her several times that if she gets into a sitation she
    doesn't like, call us and we'll come, no questions asked.
    
    The first times she stayed out late weren't for dates, they were
    for dance rehearsals (some of which run to 2 or 3 in the morning)
    so I got used to the idea that my little girl was growing up
    before I had to deal with the idea that my little girl might be
    out there having sex.  I don't normally wait up for her any more,
    and I do sleep.
    
    --bonnie
    
    p.s. Excuse me, I see I've said she's going out with Scott.  She
    tells me that they go out together, but they aren't going out. 
    The distinction is apparently extremely important. . .

    My to-be-senior son has a 10:00 curfew when he has to be up the next
    morning (school or work), 1:00 when he doesn't.  I don't wait up, but
    he does come in and tell me when he gets home.  Sometimes I don't wake
    up when he does this :-).  Any problem, he calls and I come help out. 
    Fortunately, he's the driver most of the time - and vehemently opposed
    to drinking so that's a worry I don't have.  He's also learned to call
    AAA *first*, and then call me while waiting for the tow truck :-}.
    
    And Bonnie - my son had one of those that it was important to the girl
    that they went out to things together, but they weren't "going out with
    each other".  He couldn't figure out the difference!
    
    Alison

    I remember those days (just about!).  I never had a formal curfew, but
    certainly was expected to be in at a "reasonable" time ... typically
    by 11 from about 16 on.  I always let my parents know where I was going
    and phoned if plans changed.  My mother would 90% of the time wait up
    ... even today, if we go to visit, she'd wait up I'm sure (It's been
    22 years since I was 16!)
    
    For a long time I had friends who were girls ... but not girlfriends.
    I can understand the difference!
    
    Stuart

    My 16 year old does not have a flat curfew but it is based on
    where she is going and who she is going with.  She has a few
    friends that are "in my opinion undesireable" so when with 
    those people the time she needs to be in is earlier.
    
    I do go to bed but she as yet has not been quite enough
    that I did not know when she got home and it usually is
    within 5 minutes of the time we all agreed on before she
    went out.
    
    We also have an agreement similar to one of the earlier
    replies.  No matter what the situation we will go and
    pick her up any time any place, no questions asked.
    She has taken us up on it already.
    
    Judging from my experiences as a teenager the kids that
    had the strict curfews just used to spend the nite at
    the house of a friend with a less strict curfew when they
    wanted to stay out late.  My opinion is, I'd rather
    negotiate with my daughter even if the negotiated time is
    a bit later than I would like.  At least I have an idea
    of where she is and when she gets home.
    
    My mom is very nervous and even when I go to visit now
    she waits up for me.  I remember way back when my mom
    was an avid late nite TV viewer but she did not have to
    get up for work in the morning.
    
    Judie (who_lives_with_two_teenagers)
    
    

This brings back interesting memories.  My sister had curfews, and they were 
the subject of many heated battles between her an my parents.  I don't 
remember if they stayed up for her to come home.  But I do remember that if my 
sister and a date drove into the driveway and didn't come in right away, my 
mother would do things like turn the porch light on and off.

I never had a curfew.  When I would come home, I would find my parents asleep, 
the door unlocked, and the porch light on.  I was never sure if it was 
because:

	- I was the younger and they became calmer

	- I didn't go out as much, and they didn't want to discourage me

	- I was more responsible, and never stayed out late anyway

	- they had a double standard

I suspect it was mostly the last reason.

Clay

    Clay,
    
    I was the 4th in a family of 5 children.  Talk about DOUBLE STANDARD?!?
    The girls had to be in by a certain hour.  And when we weren't... there
    were happier places to be the next day.  The boys?  They strolled in
    whenever they wanted to.
    
    That's high on my list of "When I Become A Parent I WILL NEVER Do This:"
    
    Marcia 

My parents never waited up for me, and I didn't have a curfew.  But I 
also rarely stayed out late because I couldn't stay awake.

    	I had a curfew, but my parents still got their "beauty sleep".
    
    	There method was to put a large alarm clock outside their door
    	set to go off about 15 minutes after my curfew.  My responsibility
    	was to turn off the alarm before it went off.
    
    	That worked out well until my younger brother decided to go back
    	out after he turned off the alarm.

    .13
    
    

    
    
    Re: .13  I love it ... pretty ingenious !!!!
    
    
    My 17-year-old daughter has an 11-ish curfew during the week, and
    12-ish on weekends.  I had to add the -ish because that was high on
    my list of things I wouldn't do ... I can remember being in pretty
    big trouble for being 5-10 minutes late and hated it !!!!  She doesn't
    abuse the -ish, so we keep it there ... 15 minutes is reasonable, past
    that a phone call is expected.  We don't wait up, but she does come in
    and tell us she's home ...(BUT last year at 16, I did wait up .. guess
    you just get used to it).  Even though I don't stay up, I don't think I
    sleep soundly, and I'm thoroughly exhausted by the time September gets
    here and my family gets back to normal schedules.
    
    We also are pretty flexible about special occasions and base the
    time expected home on the occasion ... just went to her boyfriend's
    senior prom and stayed out all nite ... we knew where and that it
    was traditional but we still didn't sleep too well that night.
    
    
    Re the signed contract:   That's part of SADD.  When a teenager joins,
    they sign a paper saying they won't drink and drive, and parents sign
    saying that they will come pick them up whenever they need a ride due
    to their drinking or whoever is driving's drinking.  I guess it's meant
    to make both of you realize the commitment.
    
    	- Kathy
    
    PS  Thanks Bonnie for what you said about the reverse of being able to
    say no ... I feel the same way ....

re: .13

�    	There method was to put a large alarm clock outside their door
�    	set to go off about 15 minutes after my curfew.  My responsibility
�    	was to turn off the alarm before it went off.
    
�    	That worked out well until my younger brother decided to go back
�    	out after he turned off the alarm.

I thought you were going to say that it worked out well until your younger 
brother stopped turning off the alarm for you!	:^)

Clay

    My mother waited up for me until I was well into college - she never
    said why (couldn't sleep, wanted to smell your breath during her good
    night kiss, etc). It seems so funny because I NEVER abused any curfew.
    Now, with 2 teenage step-kids, we go to sleep but I do wake up when
    they come in and definitely note the time. They don't get hit with the
    "punishment" (if the offense is repeated) until they ask to go out the
    next time then they get an even earlier curfew. We've only had to pull
    this a couple times until realized that they better not abuse a
    PRIVILEDGE we are giving them. 
    
    I opt for the wake me up when you get in option, call if your plans
    change and changing the curfew to fit the activity (seeing a 9:30
    movie and then getting a pizza would make it impossible to get home by
    midnight so it will be 1:00 that's acceptable). We do have a standing
    curfew but it does get altered.              
    
    
    Andrea

    We have about the same curfew times for our high school kids as
    mentioned here. No late nights on school nights, 11ish on weekends
    and later for speical occasions.
    
    We have also used the alarm clock method when we wanted to go to
    bed or asked a sibling that was home and watching tv to stay up
    until the one that was out got home.
    
    Bonnie

    I was 1000 miles away at college shortly after turning 16, so I largely
    spared my parents this problem.  I didn't have very specific curfews most
    of the time before then, perhaps because I was the 2nd kid, and pretty
    reliable, anyway.  We had a pretty effective communication trick. 
    There was an extra hall light visible from my parents' bedroom; they
    would leave it on, and I would turn it out when I returned.  If they
    awoke late, they could tell if I had returned with no more than a half
    opened eye.  This also worked nicely for later years when I was home on
    vacations or visits, and certainly would not have accepted curfews.
    
    		- Bruce

Mine was midnight, unless something special was going on.

One funny thing--my folks didn't stay up, but they did want all of us to go
into their room and tell them when we got home.  All of us except for one
brother just stood at the door and said "I'm home" loudly enough to wake
them up.  One of them would wake up and say 'good night' and that was it.

But this one brother always went in and wiggled my dad's foot to wake him
up.  One night he'd had a little bit to drink and accidentally fell into
bed with them.  This one still makes me laugh!


Marty

    If you go with the "wake me up when you get in" routine, be sure that
    you are one who can be woken up.  I can't begin to count the number of
    times that I would go in and wake my parents up, they would have a
    discussion with me ("How was the party?", "What time is it?", etc.),
    and say good night.  Then the next morning I was punished for not
    waking them up - they would never believe that I had woken them up!
    
    Or worse yet, my father (the vengeful type) would come in at 6:00 AM
    after I had been out until 1:00 AM, and INSIST that I wake up AND GET
    UP!  He would say "You kept me up all night, so you have to get up with
    me."   The real story was that I woke him up, he didn't remember it,
    and he tried to convince me that he couldn't sleep all night because I
    was out!
    
    Kristen

    I have two children, a son 17 years old and a daughter 14-1/2.  On
    school nights, bedtime is 10:00PM unless they are still working on
    homework.  They are seldom allowed out on school nights at all.  It
    may sound old fashioned, but between work and homework, they don't
    even ask to go out.  Both have to be awake by 6:00AM and they both
    really need the sleep.
    
    Friday and Saturday nights are different.  We don't have a flat time
    for these days.  If there is a party, movie or whatever, we make
    a decision at the time.  Usually, if the kids are visiting friends,
    11:00 is the deadline.  Yes, either my husband or I wait up for
    them.  We also expect (and get) a call if the child will not be in
    on time.
    
    Chris

We moved around alot when I was in my teens and at 16 I ended up living and
attending school in NH while most of my pals were back in Lexington, Mass. I 
was studious and kinda shy, not terribly pretty, and frankly I didn't go out 
much. I was usually home nights reading a book or playing the piano, or over
my grandparents' house playing cards. I had no curfew at all!

My dad however, was a handsome widower with a good job and an eye for the
ladies. He did not have a curfew either, but I would always wait up for him. :-)

	Sue

    I'm with you .22.
    
    I don't believe I'm old fashioned, I think it's a matter of the kids
    knowing their still kids. Many kids are really pushing too hard with
    school, homework, jobs and socializing. 
    
    My son who is 14 (& 1/2) put priority on his socializing and myself
    trying not to be old fashioned gave him plenty free time. All he
    thought about was out the door and before you knew it was not doing his
    part at school or home. So this year after the summer of discussions
    the curfew went to in the house at 7:30 and into bed at 10:00. It took
    some getting use to but he is never late. I am more flexible on
    weekends as long as we know where and whom he is with. So far this year
    there has been great improvement.
    
    When I was his age my curfew was 9:00 p.m. on weekdays and 10:00 on
    weekends. If you messed up you lost any priviledges. No questions
    asked, you just knew better than not do what was expected. After all
    there were five of us all a year or two apart. As we got older our
    curfews were extended.
    
    When any of us kids walked in the house Mom or Dad would say "Is that
    you _____?" or "Whose that?" So I guess they were waiting up.