Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Part of the problem may be that he's feeling "watched" when the baby
    starts to cry.  This happens to me sometimes when I'm holding my nephew
    and there are other people (especially his Mom) around.  If he starts
    to cry, I feel like I'm being watched to see if I know how to handle
    it, if I can comfort him, etc.  I definitely makes me more tense than
    if I'm alone with him.  Maybe your friend can try to pay less
    attention and let her husband know that she has confidence in him.  If
    being watched is the problem, he'll probably do fine when he and the baby
    are alone.
    
                                                    Tracy

I gather this baby is a newborn, and it could be the hubby is inexperienced
around babies and therefore is uncomfortable or nervous around them.
I was nervous around my son when he was born.  My husband was so relaxed about 
everything (he's been around babies before!), but me (I had NO experience with
them!)... I was terrified the first time I was left alone with Matt! :-)  
I had this fear that he would start crying and I wouldn't be able to get him 
to stop.  When me and my husband were both home and Matt would start to cry, 
I let my husband handle it most times.

This wore off within a couple of months... as I gained experience with
handling and caring for infants, I began to feel more confident and therefore
more relaxed.  I say give it time.  The suggestion of leaving them alone to-
gether sounds like a good one.  It'll help boost his confidence.

� �ori

    I agree with both of the replies so far...  It could be a combination
    of both.  This situation happened with my husband, as well, so I know
    how your friend is feeling.  It wasn't necessarily inexperience in
    my husband's case as he already had a child from his first marriage.
    But when I got him to talk about it, he finally admitted that he just
    doesn't deal well with babies.  He says he's much more comfortable
    with older kids who can talk and tell him what's wrong as opposed to
    just crying.  Also, I think he felt "watched" by me and felt a little
    slighted when my daughter would immediately calm down as soon as I
    held her instead of him.  This eventually wore off as a few months
    passed and he's used to her now and really deals quite well with her.
    She still can't talk yet, (only 9 months) but soon she will and then
    things will be even easier between the two of them.
    
    Tell your friend that they just need more time to get to know each
    other and that it will help a great deal if her husband tries to
    consciously relax more when he holds the baby.
    
    - Kathryn
    

I think I understand how the father must feel.  I have a 21 month old daughter 
and I can remember the first couple of months of being a new parent.  Deirdre 
was not a problem child in any sense but as is normal, she seemed to always 
sleep during the day and want to play (or be played with) at night.  I can 
remember many nights when I walked her to quiet her.  I couldn't just hold 
her, she had to be moving.  She would fall asleep in my arms but as soon as I 
put her back in the crib, she would cry again.  I was very tired and being 
inexperienced, felt totally frustrated at why she cried, even when I cuddled 
her, walked her, sang to her (that might have been a problem with my voice!), 
etc.  There were times I was so angry, I just wanted to shake her.

Luckily, I caught myself before I took my frustrations out on my daughter who 
was only being a normal new born.  I was lucky that my mother-in-law (who 
raised 6) came for a week and really helped both me and my wife learn how to 
deal with Deirdre.  It also helped to realize that it was ok to be angry, but 
that if I was, I turned to my wife and said I needed a break and asked her to 
deal with Deirdre.  Janet, my wife, knew she could do the same and I would 
support her.  (As a side note, I don't know how single parents can do it.  I 
have a lot more respect for them now.)

The bottom line is that after about the first month, I was much more relaxed 
with my daughter.  Janet and I supported each other.  We each interacted with 
Deirdre diffently but we recognized that fathers and mothers play and deal 
with their children differently and that that was normal.  I was much more 
confortable as a father and much more patient as a parent.

So tell your friend to hang in there.  It takes awhile to get used to one 
of the most important jobs in the world, being a parent, but with time comes 
patience and understanding and the joy of the job.

Jim

My husband didn't tense up, but he'd say often that the sound of our son
crying was to him like fingernails on a blackboard.  He's a great dad now,
so it'll probably work out.

    My husband was the same way as the base noter's. He was very nervous
    about having a newborn (he already had 2 much older kids too). Thinking
    back part of it could have been that I was very confident with children
    and really had no fears of having a newborn around and certainly may
    have unconsciously made him feel that he didn't have the same expertise
    as I did. It's only natural. I also remember thinking that since he
    didn't feel confident with a baby, how could I feel confident to leave
    him with a baby? I think I over-compensated and did alot with child in
    tow so as not to have both of us left with our respective set of fears. 
    At 6 months, I still remember him saying "watch his head" and "support
    his neck" (Berk was already pulling himself up to stand at that point
    too!!)
    
    A very funny story (at least from my perspective)...when Berk was
    about 3 months old, I just ran out for a quick trip to the grocery
    store. My husband was going to give Berk his evening feeding. When I
    came back and entered the house, there was my husband standing in his
    underwear, Berk was sleeping in the middle of the floor with only a
    diaper on and all my husband kept saying was "it was so gross! it was
    so gross!!". Berk had decided to do his "exorcist impression" after the
    bottle and had perfect aim all over my husband, himself, the couch and
    the wall. My husband got both of them undressed immediately but was so
    grossed out, that he didn't know what to do next. I still laugh about
    the thought of him standing in his underwear with the pathetic
    grossed-out look on his face. 
    
    Advice to any "nervous" or "uneasy" parent  -  make them stay involved.
    It's the only way to build their confidence. And don't give them a list
    of stuff as you're running out the door. It makes them even feel more
    like they cannot do it themselves. I'd do subtle things like leave
    pajamas and a clean diaper right on top of the changing table and just
    say "he'll probably be hungry around _____" and let him figure out the
    rest. It took about 4 months until my husband felt really comfortable
    with our son - I think he really needed to get out of the very baby
    stage.
    
    We'll see how he does with number 2 coming.
    
    Andrea

    re. 4
    
    I have had experiance being a single mother of infant child and it
    is not easy. I had a great Day Care Provider who would often talk
    about coping skills around infants and toddlers . 
    
    When you  Think you are at the end of your endurance
    Rule 1. If the infant is crying and everything has been checked, Check
    everything one more time then carefully lay child in his/her crib and
    walk out of earshot.(Stand on the front porch if nessicary).Take your
    break and after 10 or 15 minutes reset your mind to Caring Concern
    
    "Oh what seems to be the problem here?" Sometimes the infant is
    so pleased at feeling you pick him up or hearing your voice that her
    will stop crying if not I go thorgh the check list again.
    Offer food, Change diaper, change clothes, shoes, change rooms, 
    rock, sing,. Once I took all the clothes off and did not replace them
    until I finally found a thread wrapped around her toe from a pair of
    booties. I threw those away. when the thread was removed she allowed
    me to comfort her. After being comforted I redressed her.
    
    Rule 2. Call a friend(preferably one who has had a child).