Conference moira::parenting_v3

    We have one son (Joshua age 1) and that is all we plan on for a
    while but already we get pressure from family and friends as to
    when we'll have the NEXT one.  Right now we are perfectly content
    to have just one.  I have never really considered having an only
    child but after having the responsiblility, expense, etc. of one
    I am not sure I could be a good parent to more than one.  I give
    all I can to my son and worry about him being "spoiled" as an only
    but worry that I couldn't give enough for two/more.
    
    Great topic!  Am interested in other's view.
    
    just sign me...
    
    one is enough

    
    My husband is an only child, and I am 10 years younger than
    my nearest brother, so we both spent most of our early years
    playing alone.
    
    Neither of us were spoilt, in fact quite the reverse!  I really
    don't think it did us any harm at all, and it meant we both
    got quite a bit of parental attention when it came to trips
    out, teaching us things and games etc...
    
    However, now we are adults and my parents in law are elderly,
    the big difference is that my husband has no-one to share the
    problems of older parents with.  In my family we have taken
    turns and shared then problems, my my husband is always the
    only one to sort out their problems.  Not that he minds at
    all, but I sometimes think it is hard on him, as they are
    old and live far away from us.
    
    Cheers,
    Sarah

    
    I suspect this issue used to seem more important when we had narrower
    expectations about what women and moms should do.  Since everyone
    "knew" a woman's role was to stay home with the kids, everyone assumed
    she would want more than one.  An only child probably suggested either
    infertility or weird parents (not that this was _correct_, just a
    common assumption).  I think that these days choosing to have only one
    child seems less peculiar than it used to to most people, and thus also
    less suggestive of some kind of family misfortune.
    
    Similiarly, we have much less narrow models of what constitutes a
    "normal" family - mom and dad (married for life), 2.7 kids, one dog and
    three goldfish.  Since we can no longer expect that this is experience
    of most kids, variations in any area seem less peculiar.
    
    Finally, lifestyle changes make sibling status much less significant in
    a practical way in the lives of many families.  When a kid is in some
    combination of (say) homecare and pre-school much or all of the day,
    and learning peer relations from classmates rather than family members,
    it makes a lot less difference how many (if any) brothers or sisters
    are around at home.
    
    		- Bruce

    re: .3
    
    I think improved birth control is a major factor in the changing
    perception of only children.  There were a lot fewer only children
    when "choosing to have only one child" meant choosing to avoid sex
    entirely in the marriage, and there was a certain amount of truth
    to the infertility or weird parents implication.  
    
    My mother was an only child.  It wasn't her parents' choice, it
    was because her mother miscarried 6 times in 7 years -- my mother
    was born prematurely in the middle somewhere.  So with her mother
    sick from the unsuccessful pregnancies all the time, the family
    situation was less healthy and less happy.  My father's mother
    didn't go through the same thing only because they "chose" the
    abstinence route.  
    
    Going on merrily with a normal marriage and one much-loved child
    simply wasn't an option until after WWII, when they developed the
    tube-tying surgery for women.  And then most hospitals and doctors
    wouldn't tie your tubes until you'd had two children.  I'm sure if
    it wasn't for that rule, my mother would have had only one, or
    none.
    
    --bonnie

    First I want to say I am from a family of seven and love it very much. 
    My mom died of cancer a little over a year ago at the age of 58.  If we
    didn't have each other to lean on (and still do) I don't know what we
    would have done.  Needless to say it has helped my dad a lot to see a
    little bit of my mom in all of us.
    
    I do have to admit that I am not as close as I would like to be to my
    eldest brother since he is 10 years older that I am. We communicate but
    we really don't know each others likes and dis-likes.  
    
    As for me, I have 3 children but I can relate to the original noters
    concern.  My son was 10 when my daughter was born.  My attention was
    focused on trying to spend equal time/attention on both of them since
    their needs were entirely different.  I had some much love for them
    that I thought "How could I possible have room to love another". 
    
    Well seven and a half months ago I had Brandon.  And YES he was
    planned,  very careful I might add.  The experience both children have
    got is irreplaceable.  Nate finially has his little brother and Britt
    is so devoted to her little brother and Brandon lights up and has happy
    feet everytime he sees or hears either one of them.  I have more than
    enough love for all of them.
    
    The only problem is I will be going through the TEENAGE years and the
    terrible TWO's at the same time in which I may come back and delete
    this entire note.
    
    Just another note.  My mom was adopted and was an only child, which is
    why she choose to have all 7 of us.
    
    Carole  (who has more than enough love for 3 children) 

I don't think that being or having an only child is per se good or bad.  I do 
think that parents of only children have to conciously work at doing some 
things that parents of siblings do by default -- like sharing, like learning 
to get along with people that you can't just avoid.  Because of there are more 
opportunities for that kind of interaction these days -- play groups, part 
time daycare, etc. that's very doable, as Bruce has pointed out.

Because parents of siblings do things by default, they may give them no 
thought, and the result can chaotic, and almost as bad as if the children were 
"onlies".  The children may end up with the bad points of having siblings, 
without any of the good points.  Some very painful psychological wounds can be 
inflicted by poor parental handling of sibling relationships.

One of our son's friends is being retained in first grade for social, 
non-academic reasons.  He is a (spoiled) only child.  I think he would have 
benefitted from having a brother or sister.  He just doesn't interact well 
with other kids.

I think if my child were an "only", I would take special pains to observe 
her/him interacting with other kids as much as possible.

And while I do think that a person can be well adjusted and "whole" even if 
they have no brothers or sisters, there is no other relationship like it, even 
a "best friend" or spouse.  There have been times that I have asked my sister, 
"Am I crazy or did mother/father __________?" and gotten very interesting and 
useful feedback.  When you are still a kid, and especially if you are an adult 
having difficulty interacting with your parents, a sibling has a unique and 
valuable perspective that no other person can possibly have.  I don't think 
that reason alone is a good reason for having a second child, but it is 
something that is there.  And I suspect that parents of only children do have 
to encounter the "why don't I have a brother/sister" question frequently, and 
need to be prepared to discuss it.

Clay

My mother is an only child.  My father is an only child.  My 
wife is an only child.  And my son (10) is an only child.

Thank goodness my parents had more than one child, though; I 
was the second of four.

There is a book that has lots of information on this, I think it's called
"The Birth Order Book" but I forget the author.

    My daughter Tina, now 4.5 years old, appears to be on her way to
    being a only.  Time, money, job requirements, age (mine) all seem
    to be pointing to her as the one and only.  She appears to be quite
    content in her position, she has many friends to chum with, and
    all of mommy and daddy's love and attention.  I worry sometimes,
    about her being alone when we are gone and think about whether having
    brothers and sisters would make a difference.  I have one brother
    who I rarely see, my husband has two sisters who we see maybe once
    every three or four months.  Everyone lives out of state.  
    
    I believe that the most important thing is that she grows up well
    adjusted and at peace.  Most of my life was spent dealing with the
    fact that my brother was and is favored by my parents, receiving
    noticably more attention, financially and emotionally, that I ever
    did.  That is one thing my only will never have to deal with.  She
    knows she is loved - 
    
    /bobbie

    
    I am an only child.  I don't think I am particularly spoiled,
    hard-to-get along with--or any of the other stereotypical wives tales
    about only children.
    
    I was always the center of attention in our house--and as a result,
    have a very healthy amount of self-esteem and confidence.  I do not
    identy myself by my job or my family--but rather from an inside (deep
    in the heart) very strong feeling that I am special and that I have
    good things to give.  I've talked to other "onlies" and they have this
    same feeling as well.  Most of my friends who have other siblings
    identify themselves (ie: get their self-esteem) from either their jobs
    or families.  Not that this is wrong--just that it's different.  I feel
    very lucky to have been an "only" in this regard.
    
    My mother put me in nursery school when I was 3 years old.  She says I
    got along well with other children and never had a problem with sharing
    or socializing.  She said I did both very well (and still do).  
    
    The down side for me of being an only when I was a kid--were snow and
    rainy days (the kind of days when you don't go out).  I remember being
    envious of my friends who had siblings to play with on those days--I
    only had myself.  However, as an adult--I can spend literally DAYS with
    myself and be perfectly content.  I don't need outside stimulation to
    be content--and actually, need a certain amount of "quiet" or "alone"
    time each day to relax.  This is a problem sometimes--especially with a
    3-year old--but I do manage to find my "alone" time at some point each
    day.
    
    The real down side of being an "only" is that you don't have any
    siblings to relate to as you get older--and you are solely responsible
    if something happens to one or both or your parents.
    
    My husband is the oldest of 3--and each year we have Thanksgiving at
    our house for "the brothers" only.  That means no parents--just us
    "sibs!"   I am extremely close to both of my husbands sibs (and also,
    to the soon-to-be-wife of 1 of them)--and in that closeness, I realize
    how much I missed out on.  Yet, many of my friends tell me they're not
    close at all to their sibs--and I'm very lucky to have been "adopted"
    by such close-knit brothers (who live on opposite sides of the country
    no less!).  But I do envy my husband the relationship he has with his
    brothers--they talk and laugh about their childhood together--I can't
    do that with anyone...
    
    And last but not least--when my father became chronically ill--the
    entire burden of his care fell on me.  That was the absolute *worst*
    part about being an only.
    
    Would I have an only child?  I'd rather not--I want my daughter to have
    the benefit of a sibling relationship.  But if it turns out I can't
    have more children, I won't cry over it either.  All in all, it was a
    positive experience and I don't think it's a bad thing at all.
    
    Bonnie
    
    

re: .-1 

I can relate to note 85.10 (by Bonnie Polakoff) because I have an only son who
seems to be turning out the same! He is not spoiled and his kindergarten 
teachers and sitter rave about how congenial and kind he is. He is often the 
center of attention in my house, but again, in a positive way that is building 
his self-esteem and independence. (I agree with your comments about from whence
onlies and non-onlies derive their self-esteem since I see it with my S-O).

I am 36, and planning to marry my S-O in 2 years - NOT sooner (as a divorcee
I have a strong need to be SURE this time! We've had almost 1 year together 
so far, and I think after 2 I'll be sure enough to plan a wedding and put down 
the $1000 deposit for the reception!).

I have a small, out-of-state family - one local younger brother that I'm not 
close to 'cause we have little in common, although we get along ok. I have no
other sibs and no other local family.

My S-O has a terrific family with 3 sisters who all live 15-30 minutes from us.
We see them, and his folks, often. We get along splendidly! So far I don't
envy their relationship because these warm people have made me a "4th" sister!
But sometimes when I watch Ed and "Sis" together I feel sad that my little boy
has no siblings.

My son is 6 and I'm 36. By the time I marry Ed we'll be (3)8. Ed and I are 
ambivalent about having more kids and being tied down, esp when my Jeffrey
will be at an age to really start travelling, cycling, sailing, etc with us.

But my son is already asking for a sibling and I feel guilty!

I already see the down side of being an only when he has only had himself
to play with. I fear the down side of him not having any siblings to relate to 
as he grows up. And I fear that when I am old and maybe chronically ill--the 
entire burden of MY care will fall on HIM! I also fear that he will move away
and I'll be bereft of my only parent-child relationship. Even though I have
joint-custody and don't see him all the time now nor revolve around him he
is STILL the most important relationship to me. And given the personality I
see evolving in him I think we will like each other as pals, as adults, as my
own Dad and I do. (I regret that my Dad moved away too!).
    
So what's a mother to do? I guess there is no easy answer to this!

	Sue